A Steady Hand on Your Wallet

In hopes of sparking a meteorological dispensation for the sunlit uplands Fishy Rishi, who in happier days helped to engineer the 2008 crash, is plotting to remove the restraints that were placed upon the gambling élite when the extent of their achievement became known. On a smaller scale but in the same plucky entrepreneurial spirit, a Conservative-controlled local authority has incurred massive debts by betting on concerns which rapidly went bust. They were warned of the likely consequences, but the warnings were fatally flawed by coming from mere experts; and in any case the consequences will not be paid by the profligate councillors, but by the taxpayers who have the good fortune to be represented by them. Everyone knows that the most convenient solution to problem gambling is to throw money at the perpetrator; and the party of bankers and landlords is particularly well aware that the convenience is significantly enhanced when the money does not happen to be one's own.

Nasty Business

Citizens of nowhere and enemies of the people at the British Chamber of Commerce are forming yet another fifth column to deny and belittle the sunlit uplands of Britannic independence. Even though the latest chancellor has pledged a new dawn of deregulation and new things to do, fuelled by a supernovan trash-fire of beastly Euro-wog laws, a mere four per cent of BCC members make any pretence of understanding the likely impact of their liberation. All too many seem preoccupied with trivial, materialistic, unpatriotic concerns such as being able to trade with the lesser breeds, or with not going bust in the foreseeable future: a deplorably ungrateful attitude towards the Brexit visionary Jacob Rees-Mogg, who very sportingly moved his own investments into the EU so that indigenous companies less exalted than his own would have more room to grow.

Limited and Specific Ethics

Despite considerable demand, incarnated in allegations of racism and bullying as well as in the reappointment of a security risk to one of the former great offices of state, it appears that market forces are having a bit of trouble supplying Fishy Rishi with a conscience for hire. The role of ethics adviser has been vacant since its definitive demotion to laughing-stock without portfolio under the National Johnson, whose robust British integrity drove two incumbents to resign. With perhaps more optimism than foresight, the last to go predicted that his successor would be given increased powers and the right to undertake investigations on their own initiative. Oozing moral courage in characteristc fashion, Fishy Rishi has responded that candidates for the role must be prepared to submit to an impotency clause, on the grounds that the only time a watchdog should have teeth is when it's being loosed against the little people. Even so, a number of otherwise eligible persons have apparently placed rather too high a value upon their own dignity. Doubtless we have not long to wait before the accountable, the professional, the integritous decision is made to cut out the unelected middle-man and force the accused to investigate themselves.

Pride and Industry

Not content with deposing the Old Queen shortly before her ascension to the right hand of that great Englishman God, the Republic of Barbados is plotting to victimise an upstanding member of the master race because of his family history. Richard Grosvenor Plunkett Ernle-Ernle-Drax, a far-right Conservative MP and descendant of the pioneering Caribbean slaver Sir James Drax, is under threat of demands for reparations by the Barbadian government, despite having kept the old plantation going as a symbol of reconciliation. As a youthful republic, Barbados is perhaps unaware that patriotic pride in one's ancestors tends to preclude excessive attention to their little peccadilloes, and Grosvenor Plunkett Ernle-Ernle-Drax has duly denied all responsibility for things that happened centuries ago; although he is no doubt as happy as anyone of his pedigree to take credit for Waterloo, Stalingrad and the Somme. Grosvenor Plunkett Ernle-Ernle-Drax has apparently met with the republic's prime minister to discuss the matter of reparations, and it is to be hoped that he was treated with compassion. So occupied is the poor fellow's mind that he recently forgot to declare his inheritance of an estate in Barbados valued at five and a quarter million.

Criminals for Better Law Enforcement

Among the fundamental doctrines of the national religion is that where private enterprise falls short, bureaucratic Big Government is to blame; and so it has proven in the case of Britain's plucky little moisture provision profiteers. One of the past few weeks' various Environment Secretaries, Ranil Jayawardena, ordered the company CEOs to provide him with plans to reduce sewage dumping, and the response was rather less constructive than the salaries might imply. The water companies complained about the Government's libertarian attitude towards a 2010 law on drainage systems for new developments, and its refusal to enforce a ban on non-biodegradable wet wipes, which are a significant contributor to the formation of those fatberg species that forsake the House of Expenses Claimants in favour of sewers merely physical. The CEO of Thames Water, one of the worst offenders at wasting water through badly maintained pipes, came dangerously close to suggesting that lecturing the little people about turning off their taps might not prove a sufficient solution. Indeed, so altogether righteous was the water companies' anger that there was barely a trace of sensible and moderate hints about how Ranil Jayawardena or his successors might benefit financially.

Legal Technicalities

It seems that San Francisco police are making a commendable attempt to eliminate human error from the ranks. A policy document on the use of robots, which originally stipulated that the machines should not be involved in the use of force against persons, was re-written in less woke style to include homicide "when risk of loss of life to members of the public or officers is imminent and outweighs any other force option available to SFPD." The department's robots can be fitted with various implements of law enforcement including shotgun shells, machine guns and grenade launchers; although it remains as yet unclear whether they can reliably distinguish an imminently and unavoidably disposable suspect from a Caucasian.

They Just Don't Deserve Us

Astoundingly enough, Britain's latest attempt to civilise Afghanistan has proved a rather costly flop, with aid money paying for corruption and human rights abuses despite being disbursed by the kind of people who considered Cressida Dick and Boris Johnson fit for high office. As a price worth paying for the Special Relationship, the UK threw money at American objectives, only for its minor disagreements with US strategy to be loftily ignored. Britain spent three and a half thousand million in aid over the two decades to 2020, of which some seventy per cent was spaffed after 2014; though this may merely be the result of some creative accounting whereby the Conservatives and their Liberal Democrat accomplices redefined paramilitary counter-insurgency operations as humanitarian investments. Despite what one might imagine from their record at home, successive British administrations managed to achieve "an extreme form of state capture, which benefited a narrow group of ... political elites at the expense of the population at large" and where leaders saw government institutions as "fiefdoms for patronage, rather than mechanisms for promoting the public interest." What can possibly have gone wrong?

Thames Water Wags the Finger

One of the more enterprising members of Britain's proud moisture provision cartel is lifting the hosepipe ban imposed during last summer's drought, while lecturing the little people on their duty to avoid waste. Thames Water, whose vocation for dampness distribution is so profound that it leaks a couple of billion litres a year, has managed not to lose at least some of the recent heavy rain, but has warned that "we're not out of the woods yet" - a singularly apt choice of phrase for a company with Thames Water's talent for defecation. Given that spending on infrastructure runs contrary to the national religion, it is to be hoped that forthcoming bills will provide the non-shareholder community with further incentivisation towards aquatic thrift and prudence.

Respect For Their Laws

Britain's favourite fundamentalist head-choppers have once more been showing their dedication to British values, with seventeen executions in the past fortnight demonstrating a commendably no-nonsense attitude to human rights. Further Britishness was evident in the Crown Prince's media proclamation that the House of Saud was getting rid of the death penalty in its entirety, except when it wasn't. In fact, the entirety has reached such heights of Britishness that even David Davis, the sometime Minister for Showing Johnny Euro-Wog What's What, has apparently caught wind of a bandwagon in motion. Davis, who used to be rather rah-rah for capital punishment, has requested his intellectual equal, the Minister for Wogs, Frogs and Misnomer, to intervene on behalf of a Jordanian under sentence for drug-smuggling. After a confession which he says was extracted under torture, an appeal court overturned the guilty verdict, whereupon the head-chopping House of Saud magnanimously decided to give the enemies of the people another chance to get it right. The UN working group on arbitrary detention says the man's nine-year imprisonment has been arbitrary and that he should be released immediately; but then the UN working group on arbitrary detention is presumably unburdened by such grown-up concerns as selling more weapons and training for the profitable slaughter in Yemen.

Heavenly Balls

Doubtless in a spirit of charity, Britain's soldiers of Christ have been advised to undertake a discreet retreat from the Sunday before Christmas, in case their fellow misogynists and gay-baiters in the State of Qatar should provoke a humiliating desertion. Instead, with its characteristic combination of venerable wisdom and eternal relevance, the Church has told vicars to attempt "Christmas sports day" and football-themed nativity plays, thereby ensuring that the festivities will be seasoned with a plentiful garnish of home-grown embarrassment. Meanwhile, the commandment to love the heavenly tyrant with all one's heart, soul, strength and mind, and the Saviour's dictum concerning the unworthiness of anyone whose affections were so depraved as to favour parents or siblings above Himself, are evidently to be considered among the less reliable sections of the Gospels.

All Grown Up

Rumours of dawning realism on the Euro-wog front have brought predictable squeals of outrage from the more blithering factions of the Conservative Party. With fiendish foreign cunning, the Brusso-Strasbourg dictatorship has offered a trading deal resembling the one imposed on plucky little Switzerland; but despite the implication that the British economy now comprises little more than banks, Nazi gold and cuckoos, it seems the gammon-faced howler monkeys are less flattered than one might think. Accordingly, the latest Minister for Profitable Healthcare was extruded to deny that plans were afoot to improve relations between the Continent and the mainland; while the shadow anti-shirker secretary made haste to proclaim Team Starmer's position of warmed-over Johnsonian cakeism.

True Blue Confessions

I've kissed a Tory and I am not ashamed;
I've snogged a slum-lord and I cannot be blamed.
For friends who are Right I strive and never shirk;
I've bussed a Brexiter and tried to make it work.
With rich boys and rentiers I'll always try to please;
Lead me to Capital and I'll get on my knees.
Connected so well, such fine social webs,
So fine their techniques - I'll try them on the plebs.

Keene Smarmer

Scrap of Paper

Several countries with glorious traditions of wog-bombing have led the signing of a declaration which, under certain circumstances, and at the discretion of appropriate authorities, may at some future point in time impose some voluntary limits upon the Anglo-American style of urban pacification. Though about as meaningful as one would expect of an agreement that took three years to negotiate and which the USA condescended to sign, several military powers, including both the aggressive and the unfortunately-erroneous sides of the Ukraine war, are not disposed to endorse it. Even so, the moral force behind the declaration will doubtless come in handy next time the oppressors of Kharkov are righteously scolded by the liberators of Fallujah.

The Lesser Evil

Although investigations in France, Canada, Ireland and other countries have not noticeably resulted in the dissolution of the world's largest known supernaturally-sanctioned paedophile protection network, they did at least have the temerity to lay bare the quantity of abuse that the Deity is prepared to tolerate. In compensation for any impression of humility that might inadvertently have arisen, and in sure and certain hope of efficientising the forgiveness process and easing any claims of compensation on the Vatican Bank, the Catholic church in Italy has limited its own investigation to a period of two years, and has ignored all data not provided by its own complaints department. Even with this degree of moral courage, it was found that eighty-nine people had accused sixty-eight suspects, the majority of victims being aged between ten and eighteen. Fortunately, the archbishop of Ravenna-Cervia was on hand to forestall any temptation to relativism, boasting of the Church's empathy towards victims and pointing out that most cases of abuse take place within the family - an institution openly disdained by the Saviour for its tendency to distract people's attention from their jealous Father in heaven.

Morally Mouldy

Members of the party that voted against forcing landlords to keep rented homes fit for human habitation are aghast with moral indignation because landlords are not keeping rented homes fit for human habitation. The death of a two-year-old from an infestation of black mould has brought Conservatives crawling and sermonising from woodwork conveniently softened by the steady inundation of crocodile tears. The jabbering homunculus Michael Gove expressed amazement that the boss of the housing organisation is still in post, given that the slumlord in question is not a Cabinet colleague of Michael Gove. So far no straight-talking centrist of the people has gone on the record to say that if the victim had stayed in Sudan the whole thing need never have happened; but it can only be a matter of time.

A Simple Solution

Unpatriotic and backsliding persons have written to the Speaker of the House of Claimants, requesting that he forbid his charges to identify hotels where asylum seekers are being confined. Several brave protectors of the master race have responded to the terrorist fire-bombing of a wog warehouse in Dover by mentioning other locations where the environment could do with being made a bit more hostile; and the Refugee Council has rather tactlessly invoked the Home Office practice of keeping such places anonymous. Unsurprisingly, it had not occurred to the Speaker himself to remind expenses claimants of the rules; even less surprisingly, it also had not occurred to anyone in the Parliamentary Labour Party.

Fortunately, the invasion of our tolerant and welcoming nation may soon be at an end, thanks to the psychic abilities claimed by one of the namer-shamers. Jonathan Gullis, a former minister for education and sometime agitator in favour of fourteen-year prison sentences for vandalising war memorials, gave vent to the expectable fulminations. "People in Stoke-on-Trent, Kidsgrove and Talke are rightly angry that over £6m a day is being spent on hotels for illegal economic migrants to stay in," Gullis foamed, thereby unobtrusively revealing his paranormal talent for detecting illegal migrants before their claims have been processed, and incidentally clarifying the simple and elegant solution to the whole dreary problem. All that is required is for Jonathan Gullis to be dumped on a beach somewhere and left to exercise his telepathic vigilance on any small boats that approach. For still greater efficiency, and with the added advantage of keeping the nation's raw sewage clear of polluting Gullis-slicks, he might even be dumped far out to sea.

Cleverly Respectful

English, Welsh and "whatever other British" football fans in Qatar will be incalculably reassured that the Minister for Misnomer has made it his personal mission to ensure their safety. All that the non-heterosexuals among them need do in return is to demonstrate respect for Qatari law, specifically by keeping their filthy carnal appetites under strict control. Having served without demur in the cabinets of the National Haystack and Fishy Rishi - convicted law-breakers both - the Minister for Misnomer proclaimed that the little people are bound not only by the laws of the master race, but also by those of the lesser breeds. In the interests of promoting "a real embracement of diversity", the Minister claims to have held a real discussment with the Qataris, in which presumably he also expressed a real admirement of their no-nonsense attitude to workers' rights. In any case, non-heterosexual football fans attending the World Cup can now sleep easier in their separate beds.

Our Useful Dead

Let's give a minute, even two,
For servicepersons brave and true
Who gave themselves in noble cause:
To help us with our present wars.
They toddled off, their lives to yield,
And thus improve some foreign field,
Without unmannerly demand
For heroes' homes in fitter land:
Those useful dead, those glorious tools
To propagandise later fools,
Shall have their silent tribute; then
We'll start to shoot our mouths again.

Hunter Frome

Sacred Cows

Vegan activists argue that most of the world's farmland should be re-wilded rather than being used to feed livestock, and that genetically modified yeasts and bacteria should replace meat as a source of protein. They also recommend a government-enforced overhaul of the food industry, which may prove rather difficult in a country where capitalist self-regulation has the status of a religious precept and where the government is too busy fighting itself to bother organising anything else. Even if the reforms were technically feasible, they would still face implacable opposition from those with patriotic qualms about endangering British beef, or ethical qualms about cruelty to micro-organisms. Since the intellectual and moral abilities of the average yeast or bacterium arguably exceed the combined endowments of the last half-dozen Home Secretaries, the risk of a slippery slope appears not inconsiderable.

We Shall Fight on the Beaches

Since Border Force staff are showing the white feather in the war against the swarming migrant hordes, the Government has responded with an expectable degree of sensible moderation. Rather than doing anything silly like putting together an offer that would get people back to work, the Ministry for Wog Control has demanded that the Ministry for Wog-Bombing send in the troops. Military personnel will be given a few days' training and then shoved into the front line against the refugee invasion, doubtless with a salutary deterrent effect. Terrifying as it is, the Border Force strike is only a single aspect of industrial action by the Public and Commercial Services union, whose treacherous tentacles extend into services primarily concerned with the abuse and harassment of non-wogs, such as job centres and passport offices. Nevertheless, it remains as yet unclear whether the armed services are to be used in the motivation of British subjects.

Cash Flow

Astoundingly enough, the entrepreneurial gumption of British retailerdom does not always extend to passing on a financial saving to a captive market. As chancellor Fishy Rishi removed the VAT rate on tampons, while as a Conservative he did nothing to ensure that buyers would see any of the benefit. Prices have fallen by about one per cent on average, against the five per cent cut represented by the removal of the tax, with the retailers apparently absorbing the remaining eighty per cent. A Government spokesbeing responded in expectably strong and forthright fashion, whining at the profiteers to play fair.

Environmental Hostility

Even as Fishy Rishi dedicates himself to the serious business of not being out-copped by the National Haystack, the beastly French are treating the climate emergency with their customary cowardice and frivolity. Car parks, farmland and empty spaces next to motorways and railways are to be deprived of their natural beauty and given over to solar panels, in a blatant attempt at appeasing the kind of people who glue themselves to banks and hinder car owners in their noble attempts to eradicate the dreaded plagues of home working and public transport. On the mainland, of course, no such surrender will be contemplated: the Minister for Non-Email Security has given police orders to stop being soft on the kind of extremists who fail to throw petrol-bombs at asylum seekers. The commissioner of the Metropolitan Police has denied plans to put snipers in motorway gantries or to enforce control by decapitation, but these omissions will no doubt be rapidly repaired if Team Starmer gets into power.

Not Quite Kigali

Somehow or other, despite the relevant minister's flying visit in a Chinook, the wog warehousing crisis at Manston still contrives to be ongoing. Parliamentary expenses claimants who dropped in for a quick snigger found families sleeping on mats even though the minister for immigration and Richard Desmond, not necessarily in that order, claimed that overcrowding was a thing of the past. MPs and local councils alike are up in arms at the idea of accommodating the swarming hordes in hotels, especially with the hospitality industry in its present healthy state; but it remains to be seen whether the policy of driving the cockroaches into the middle of a city and leaving them to crawl around and spread disease is quite the solution the Government sems to think. Depriving people of what little shelter they have is of course the default Conservative solution to any housing crisis; but there remains some doubt as to whether urban wog-dumping is hostile enough to satisfy either the Labour Party or the great British public.

Scuttle for Cover

If anything can excuse the scrapping of plans for a new royal yacht, the hatching of plans for new-fangled military snoopery must surely be a candidate. The National Johnson's idea, if idea is the word I want, for a "national flagship" to toddle about the world spreading peace, Britishness and post-Brexit trade has been cancelled in favour of a multi-role ocean surveillance ship which will protect the national infrastructure from the fiend Putin and his reckless disregard for those international arrangements painstakingly designed to keep the lesser breeds in line. Fishy Rishi is in an excellent position to appreciate the futility of Johnson's vanity projects, having himself spent several years as one; but it remains to be seen whether many will share his belief that pale floating pachyderms are necessarily the more rah-rah for being military. The Minister for Wog-Bombing, who had previously denounced yacht sceptics in true Brexitannic fashion, had a bit of a burble about protecting undersea cables and sniffing out threats to the sea-bed, which will probably strike the more patriotic breed of Conservative as being dangerously close to boffin stuff or, worse yet, wishy-washy woke environmentalism, rather than good old-fashioned freedom of the seas.

Those Who Vilify the Arab Republic

Having belatedly condescended to attend the climate summit in Egypt, Fishy Rishi has made encouraging progress towards the next stage of his green agenda: namely finding a convenient distraction from his lack of a green agenda. Fortunately, one of those imprisoned by the Egyptian government for their derelictions during the 2011 uprising has recently acquired honorary status as a member of the master race; so the British government has an excuse to wag the finger at President Sisi without too much risk of being denounced from its own back-benches as a globalist woke conspiracy dedicated, with unrelenting and insensate fanaticism, to the genocide of British statues and the condoning of the beastly Euro-wog agenda to restrict the freedom of movement of British sewage. Just like the Heathen Chinee ambassador when subjected to a moral dressing-down by La Truss, Sisi will no doubt be grateful for British guidance on tolerance of peaceful protest, the sanctity of due process, and the need for humane conditions in prison.

Must Be One of Those Cultural Things

A mere six days after a suicide attack by a man with a history of online extremism, police have determined that the culprit, despite being a High Wycombe white and targeting a swarm of invaders, was in fact a terrorist. The Bravermanly-surnamed Andrew Leak apparently killed himself after petrol-bombing a wog disposal emporium, having found that making Islamophobic comments on social media did not sufficiently fire the patriotism of others. It remains as yet unclear what fair yet rigorous measures Britain's free, fearless and cantankerous media will be recommending as a first step towards solving the white far-right problem in High Wycombe; although in fairness the present case is complicated by Leak's having been white enough for there to be "strong indications that mental health was likely a factor."

Good Breeding

Doubtless purely on principle, all four holders of the sinecures formerly known as the Great Offices of State have consistently voted against women's reproductive rights. Fishy Rishi, Jeremy Chunt, the Minister for Wogs and Misnomer and the Minister for Wog Disposal all share with the new minister for women a clear dislike for the idea of women having control over their own health. Between a quarter and a third of this week's Cabinet have also voted against measures to increase women's autonomy and in favour of emotional blackmail outside abortion clinics: a stance which might be more convincing as a defence of free speech if Government and opposition were not united in favour of lengthy prison sentences for peaceful protest on other issues. The fact that Fishy Rishi, Jeremy Chunt, the Minister for Wogs and Misnomer, and the Minister for Wog Disposal themselves constitute four of the best arguments in favour of abortion on demand at any stage before, during or after birth is, of course, neither here nor there.

Our Civilising Mission Continues

Those who recall the Reverend Tony Blair's five-year stint as moral adviser to the Republic of Kazakhstan will doubtless be almost as surprised as your correspondent that the former Soviet republic continues to ban opposition parties, imprison protesters and disregard the United Nations charter. So obtrusive is the mote in Kazakhstan's eye that British parliamentarians are to blink away their own little beams in order to mount a formal investigation. One Conservative participant has already recused himself, being so concerned with human rights and international law that he joined Fishy Rishi's government as minister for aid-slashing; but the rest of the commission has promised to proceed with whatever openness of mind is consistent with British values and Kazakhstan's mineral wealth.

Malicious Interventionism

Even as Fishy Rishi and Jeremy C Hunt prepare to expunge the revisionist horrors of their socialist-deviationist predecessors, the malevolent octopus of internationalist interference circles like an ominous, shrieking vulture in the clear blue sunlit uplands of renewed austerity. A foreigner with a funny name has declared himself "extremely troubled" by the Government's likely plans for a renewed assault on public services and the poor, and even went so far as to imply that there is such a thing as a bad time for putting the boot into those not wealthy enough to pay taxes, let alone dodge them. His predecessor, an uppity colonial whose somewhat more sensible name did not prevent his finding the Government's fiscal probity punitive, mean-spirited and callous, was comprehensively rebutted by minions of Tumbledown Tessie saying they disagreed; on this occasion, having been provoked beyond endurance by the persistent mention of human rather than British rights, and of international law unmitigated by either limitation or specificity, the Government has not deigned to respond.

Keep Smiling Through

Among the major forces powering the world economy is, of course, groundless optimism. Without the support of this lightweight if eminently collapsible crutch, few workers would leave their beds in the morning and no pensions or pay rises could be gambled away by the wealth-creating classes. The Gabonese environment minister therefore deserves acclaim for his superbly groundless assertion that rich countries will act to mitigate the climate emergency once their people start dying in sufficient quantities. Lee White's optimism is all the more remarkable for his being a native of Manchester, in a country where the cure for economic slowdown is to stop people spending money; whose reaction to the global pandemic was to cut the pay of medical personnel and accelerate the decline of public health; and whose solution to the lies, corruption and incompetence of David Cameron, George Osborne, Nick Clegg and Theresa May was to vote decisively for Boris Johnson.