The Curmudgeon


Sunday, August 31, 2014

But Is It Condemnation in the British Sense of the Word?

In a fiendish attempt to bamboozle the scumbag press and their fellow outposts of persecuted British Christendom, half a dozen British Muslim scholars have issued a fatwa against joining the Islamic State. As most Daily Mail readers and all cruise missile liberals are aware, this is an improper and un-Islamic use of the fatwa, which is defined in the Chambers dictionary (2002) as "a formal legal opinion or decision issued by a Muslim authority, e.g. that someone should die or be killed." The present pseudo-fatwa proclaims that Muslims have a "moral obligation" to help people in Syria and Iraq, but that they must do so "without betraying their own societies". It is not as yet clear whether the scumbag press and their fellow outposts of persecuted British Christendom will allow British Muslims to regard British society as their own; certainly the decrees of the Ayatollah Leveson would make such a tolerant attitude extremely difficult to maintain.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Because It Works

The terrorists are doing stuff;
It's time we toughened up the tough.

Iraq was very very rough
For us, because we had to tough.

The first Gulf War was not enough;
We failed to implement our tough.

Post-World War One, we tried to bluff,
But soon were forced to do the tough.

Our colonies gave them the huff,
Perhaps through insufficient tough.

Crusades of piety and puff
Did not convince them of our tough.

Mohammedans spread pagan guff;
It's time we toughened up the tough.

Weston Perrill

Friday, August 29, 2014

Wide Open

Britain's Head Boy has apparently decided that Alistair Darling cannot be trusted to save the golf courses on his own, and has toddled his dewlaps up to Scotland for a bit of a burble at business leaders. Daveybloke burbled that business should defy the fiend Salmond and "choose openness over narrowness", which is a jolly good argument given Daveybloke's consistent opening and widening of the gaps between rich and poor, between male and female privilege, and between the rhetorical claims of his administration and the actual state of affairs pertaining on the present planet. An unfortunate reminder of this latter void came from the president of the Confabulation of Business Interests, who reminded the Head Boy of the possible economic consequences of pandering to the Farage Falange; but it is unclear at this late stage whether Britain's Head Boy has any more window-dressing to apply on that issue.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Where They Ban People, They Will in the End Also Ban Books

A supermarket chain in straight-talking Australia has shown the poncy Poms a thing or two by banning a children's book from its shelves because of "comments by a limited number of concerned customers regarding the language used". The book is Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes, in which the author re-works various well-known fairy tales. Among other delights, it presents the case against Goldilocks for breaking and entering, property damage and theft; while Red Riding Hood, if I remember right, disposes of the big bad wolf with a pistol she whips from her knickers. However, the censors are concerned neither with juvenile crime sprees nor with phallic-envious aggression against animals. The rhyme which has exercised the limited patrons of Aldi Australia is the one about Cinderella, in which Prince Charming's idea of fun is to chop people's heads off. "Who's this dirty slut?" he cries on seeing the heroine; "Off with her nut! Off with her nut!" The problem was the word slut, of course. The Prince uses the term in its older sense of a messy or untidy female, and it is arguable that even Roald Dahl did not intend him as a role model, linguistic or otherwise; but such pleas of mitigation count for nothing with the limited patrons of Aldi Australia or their po-faced protectors at Head Office. To be fair, a country that needs G4S to protect it against refugees must have a rather delicate constitution.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Total Contrition

After only the odd year or three,
I can say that we finally see
And admit, more or less,
That our use of CS
Was maybe a little too free.

Legitimate protest, we know,
Should only be met with gas-flow
In the absence, let's say,
Of those cannons that spray
All that lovely, high-speed H2O.

We are happy that no-one was slain,
Though it's true that you suffered some pain;
We used too much force,
And we're sorry, of course,
Until we can do it again.

Sir Bernard Hogan-Howitzer

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Unlocked and Unhinged

It appears that the minions of the Minister for Justice and Heterosexual Hostelry are nearly as good with computers and things as their brothers in efficiency, the minions of the brilliant Iain Duncan Smith. Having lost an unencrypted hard drive with the details of sixteen thousand people in 2011, the Ministry for Profitable Incarceration was issued with new devices which could encrypt the informaton stored on them. These devices were given to the prison service in 2012, but nobody realised that the encryption option had to be switched on, and now another unencrypted hard drive has absconded with the details of just under three thousand people. In accordance with the demands of natural justice, the taxpayer has been fined £180,000 for the omission.

Perhaps these comic episodes might throw some light on Chris Graybeing's notorious ban on sending books to prisoners. The Minister for Justice and Heterosexual Hostelry does not persist with the ban merely because he is a vindictive, sanctimonious, authoritarian guttersnipe with the morals of a tapeworm and the breadth of vision of an Ebola virus. He is, of course, all that and less; but in the context of his department's other achievements it seems increasingly evident that neither Graybeing nor his minions has ever seen a book or would know how to operate one if they did.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Helping His Fellow Men

Doubtless in a malicious attempt to distract from the peace in which so many Middle Easterners are resting, ignorant and backsliding persons have criticised the Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair for giving PR advice to the president of Kazakhstan. Nursultan Nazarbayev is an autocrat, as opposed to a populist or a dictator, and everyone's favourite envoy has been trying to help him polish his reputation with a bit of New Labour grease and glitter. After police killed fifteen people during a protest, his reverence advised Nazarbayev to borrow from Tony's very own book of homilies on Iraq, the surveillance state, the PFI boondoggle and just about everything else: "By all means make your points and I assure you we're listening. But give us credit for the huge change of a positive nature we have brought about." It is as yet unclear whether his reverence charged any royalties, or whether his ethical foreign policy, "Look over there! Terrorists!" was also included in the deal.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Creating the Scroungers of the Future

A coalition pledge to provide nursery education for very small proles is being fulfilled after the usual fashion of coalition pledges. The very small proles in question would need to mingle with very small middle-class people from hard-working families, and the resulting moral taint is apparently too much for many private nurseries to bear. Employing the evil public sector, with its platinum-plated pensions for nursery teachers, would of course bring about fiscal apocalypse, or at least something far, far worse than a three-year economic depression followed by a wageless recovery. Nevertheless, the private and voluntary sectors are only providing about 55% of the necessary places; so a spokesbeing for the Department of Gove Without Gove has blamed local councils for not investing in new buildings.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Freedom Frozen

Although anxious to lower prices and eager to pass on savings to its customers, the energy cartel has been prevented from doing so by a government policy that hasn't been implemented yet. In a letter to the regulator published in the Murdoch Times, the chief executive of Npower had a squeal about Labour's pledge to freeze energy prices for twenty months, which could have apocalyptic consequences for virtually everything. At the moment wholesale gas prices are down, but the energy cartel cannot lower its prices in case the Milibeing attains power and starts turfing its executives into the street. Under more compassionate circumstances, of course, when wholesale gas prices are down the energy cartel does not lower its prices because it does not feel like it.

Friday, August 22, 2014

The Nastiness of These New Nasties Supersedes All Previous Nastiness

Britain's lack of wog-bombing in the Middle East cannot long continue, according to what passes these days for a couple of elder statesmen; in this case Lord Dannatt, the former head of the army, and Sir Malcolm Rifkind, who served as Minister for War and then as Secretary for Wogs, Frogs and Huns during the post-Thatcher interregnum that preceded the rise of the Reverend Blair. Both of these gentlemen have intervened to warn Britain's Head Boy that his unfortunate experience in trying to defend Islamist rebels from Bashar al-Assad should not deter him from leaping into bed with Bashar al-Assad in order to attack Islamist rebels. Regrettably, Britain's leading liberal newspaper makes no mention of Rifkind's qualifications as a mercenary contractor; his outfit, ArmorGroup, was gobbled up by the famously efficient humanitarian organisation G4S, but it is unclear whether Rifkind was made redundant, or whether he stayed on to continue the good work.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Frenzied Moments

Fury at filth on Four

Channel Four has been forced to defend itself against charges of pornography over an explicit drama which it plans to screen in the run-up to next year's general election.

Coalition will explore the "emotionally wrought, politically-charged and often frenzied moments" which led Nick Clegg to publicly sacrifice his virtue in a rose garden during the spring of 2010.

Along with its sex scenes, the 90-minute drama will show the decision-making process which led Clegg to throw out his party's policies on proportional representation, tuition fees and civil liberties, and sign up to half a decade of kicking the poor, privatising the NHS, bashing immigrants and squabbling with Europe.

Although the script contains explicit scenes of Clegg and his party colleagues humping the Prime Minister's leg and ejaculating over their little red boxes, the makers have denied that the film will be pornographic. "It's a very passionate and romantic story, but it's all very tastefully done," said production executive Rennard Groper.

However, Channel Four did not deny that there have been some difficulties finding actors for the lead roles. It is thought that Andy Serkis turned down the role of Cameron because of the numerous heavy-duty purple rubber dewlaps whcih he would need to wear on his face, neck, chest, stomach and buttocks.

The casting of Clegg has also been problematic. "Actors by their nature tend to be charismatic, attention-getting types," said one executive who asked to remain anonymous. "It isn't easy to find an actor who can convey Clegg's presence and personal substance and still register on a standard visual medium."

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Bleating for Votes

After only four years of connivance, a fairly negligible underling at the Department for Profitable Healthcare has noticed that mental health services for children are "stuck in the dark ages". The Deputy Conservative minister for cuts in care and support, Norman Lamb, has suddenly decided that consigning the young and troubled to the tender mercies of Chris Graybeing's prison system isn't quite the way to whip them into shape as good little worker-consumers. Lamb was thinking of the children because he was announcing a new task force, which will be charged with finding new and better excuses for whatever closures and privatisations have already been decided upon. In January Lamb's alpha sheep, Nick Clegg, set out twenty-five areas where the Deputy Conservatives have not improved matters in the health service; among other things, he proclaimed it unacceptable that children with severe problems were being processed on adult wards, and that some were being transferred miles away from their homes. As the general election approaches, the acceptability of such practices will no doubt continue to decrease for all three branches of the British Neoliberal Party, only to take a sharp upturn after May 2015.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Noxious Vapours

The greenest government ever has once more been forced to set the Euro-wogs straight on the matter of whether rules that apply to foreigners should also apply on the mainland. The Aberthaw power plant is one of the highest carbon emitters in Europe, but was granted an exemption from the European Commission because it used low-volatility coal and supported a major local industry. Now the law has changed and the British government, as in so many other matters, cannot be bothered to get its data right. If the plant is forced to close there may be job losses, but they will only be Welsh ones. The Department for Emissions, Fracking and Rural Attrition has nothing to say on the matter, since the station is operated by RWE whose confidentiality is sacred; meanwhile a rival company, Eon, has extruded a spokesbeing to proclaim the undesirability of special treatment as it applies to companies other than Eon.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Daveybloke Rallies and Waves the Dead Baby Again

Someone - possibly the Conservative Party's de facto chair, Lynton Crosby - has advised Britain's Head Boy that attracting the filly vote will take a bit more than replacing male Cabinet gargoyles with female ones. Daveybloke has therefore ordered Nick Clegg up into the loft to dig out the Head Boy's rather soiled and worm-eaten Cuddly Conservative mask, which has seen very little use since the extent of the Deputy Conservatives' attachment to principle became clear after the last general election. Now that all the dewy-eyed pre-2010 weediness has been buried in the Dark Net and hence forgotten by the voters, Daveybloke's handlers evidently believe that the reek of exhumation can pass for the perfume of novelty.

Accordingly, Daveybloke has had a bit of a burble at the Relationships Alliance, in which he offered single parents admission to the human race, though he does not appear to have specified whether the ticket will expire before or after May 2015. Daveybloke burbled about how jolly families are, and gave due praise to his trophy wife and spawn; one of the latter, it will be remembered, was considerate enough to be sufficiently dead and handicapped for use as an emotional colouriser for some sweet nothings about nurses and the NHS before somebody or other let Twizzler Lansley loose on them. Daveybloke burbled that there is at least one aspect of conjugal relations about which the Victorians did not know best, namely the omission of mothers' details from marriage registers. No doubt the party has a few upstanding members, like Owen Paterson and the brilliant Iain Duncan Smith, who still believe that each spermatozoön is a miniature Conservative and the female merely an incubator; but at least it should be easier now than in 2009 to persuade these intellectual giants that Britain's Head Boy has no intention of following through his pledges.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Advocatus Diaboli

Abbott in Jesuitical casuistry horror

Australian prime minister Tony Abbott has become the second leader of an ex-British imperial possession to warn Scotland against becoming an ex-British imperial possession.

"What the Scots do is a matter for the Scots and not for a moment do I presume to tell Scottish voters which way they should vote," said Abbott, a moment before telling Scottish voters that anyone who votes for independence is an enemy of justice and freedom.

Abbott echoed US president Barack Obama in implying that the examples of both America and Australia constitute dire warnings for the Scottish people on the perils of independence.

Obama has already warned that an independent Scotland could easily end up being led by a corporate drone and serial murderer by remote control after little more than two hundred years.

Australia has gradually severed its links with the UK while retaining its links with the UK. Nevertheless, only a century after federation the country is led by a religious maniac who wants to sell the Great Barrier Reef for commercial development and likes to bestow mediaeval titles on his friends and sponsors.

If Scotland follows the Australian example, asylum seekers from England in the early 2100s could end up being deported to concentration camps in Scandinavia.

Additionally, both the USA and Australia were financially crippled soon after independence thanks to the failure of their pathetic attempts to adopt sterling and/or a currency other than sterling.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

An Addendum on Man

An optimistic gentleman opined
That man's the proper study of mankind.
And, noting that the ways of Godhead ran
Not always by convenience of Man,
He did his best to justify for him
The divagations of the holy whim;
Which led him ultimately to declare
That anything which is, is right - so there.

Three centuries have nearly gone their way,
With famines, wars and sundry other play.
The optimistic gents, and ladies too
(Their Maker's very image, it is true),
Still grin upon the victims in their plight
And see what is, and say that it is right.
The study made, behold the human race:
Itself its own jest, riddle, and disgrace.

Alexander Pip

Friday, August 15, 2014

Small Fluffy Creatures from Alpha Centauri

British scientists have participated in a successful hunt for seven immigrants which arrived eight years ago from outer space, having hitched a ride on a space probe which was intended for peaceful scientific purposes. The immigrants cunningly arranged to be only a few thousandths of a millimetre in diameter in order to avoid detection, and equipped themselves with fluffy bits so that ordinary people would not consider them a threat. Although used to the harsh extremes of space, the immigrants are thought by ministers to have deliberately and calculatingly made their way to Earth so as to take advantage of Britain's welfare state.

The Prime Minister has chaired seventeen Cobra meetings on the subject and is in constant contact with California, where the immigrants have been detained while authorities try to discover whether they have brought their families along without paying. Although a spokesbeing stressed that British dust was safe from adulteration, Labour criticised the Government for not doing enough to keep microscopic, inert aliens out of the solar system, while maverick UKIP councillor and part-time MEP Wilberforce Bosher-Mosley called on the Department for Profitable Pedagogy to make teaching of the flat-earth theory compulsory in Britain's schools. A Liberal Democrat is thought to have said something about tax credits, but not many people heard him.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Pull It Out and Rub Away

Pious parents in Fremont, California have managed to get a textbook censored for implying that sex can be for pleasure as well as procreation. The book, which is aimed at the upper masturbatory grade of thirteen to fourteen-year-olds, has information on "erotic touch" and sex games such as bondage. The righteous were not slow in ejaculating their concerns, even unto the inevitable scare-word "pornography"; although it is not as yet clear whether the good breeders of Fremont believe that Your Health Today plumbs the same depths of depravity as Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five or the diary of Anne Frank. In what is tactfully referred to as a "compromise", the book has been withdrawn pending various deletions, thereby giving pupils the opportunity to learn about sex from virtuous parents and fumbling classmates, as the Lord in His infinite wisdom decreed.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

PM Authorises Humanitarian Aid

Emergency meeting yields decisive action over crisis

The Prime Minister has cut short his latest holiday and returned to the UK in order to deal with the developing military and humanitarian emergency in Westminster.

The crisis began with an unruly Muslim last week, and soon spread to the London Haystack despite firefighting attempts involving large buckets of drivel being passed from hand to hand.

Today, the military situation swiftly deteriorated to the point of Liam Werritty.

However, sources said the Prime Minister was mainly concerned about the unfolding humanitarian disaster in the region.

"While the party-political aspect and the potential for pre-election wog-bombing are of course deeply important, it's the need to relieve the deserving poor that concerns him most at this point," a spokesbeing said.

"When the minister for an entire continent of Bongo Bongo Lands can't afford to chillax with his family, the proper course of action is obvious to anyone with a shred of British values."

It is believed that, after chairing an emergency meeting earlier today, the Prime Minister has authorised the RAF to drop food hampers to the family of Mark Simmonds.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Cheerfully Defiant Criminals Mock British Justice

Some doubt has emerged as to whether the sentences of jailed phone hackers include sufficient emphasis on the punitive. The recently released Neville Thurlbeck has reported, in a "light-hearted" blog entry, that Andy Coulson is in good spirits and has received "nothing other than the hand of friendship" from other warehouse stock. There have been reports of the Prime Minister's former Murdoch stable-mate being attacked, and Thurlbeck expressed a wish to "put the record straight". In a denizen of the scumbag tabloids, this is certainly a rare and precious motive; but it is as yet unclear what the stern moralists in Chris Graybeing's Ministry for Profitable Incarceration will make of the matter. Given that the Ministry, like many scumbag tabloids, usually does not consider people sufficiently punished until they have been driven to riot or suicide, all this unrepentant chirpiness must be a cause of deep concern.

Monday, August 11, 2014

A Criminal Even Before He Was An Immigrant

The Home Office, which is zealous enough when dragging harmless cleaners away from their daughters' weddings, has managed to let a convicted double murderer into the country because the minions of Daveybloke's mad old cat lady failed to file the necessary paperwork on time. Both major branches of the British Neoliberal Party are duly huffing and puffing: the Real Conservatives because it's all the fault of the previous administration and the Human Rights Act, and the Wannabe Conservatives because the gentleman in question hasn't been in prison nearly long enough and there is no such thing as a reformed criminal. The man, a Bangladeshi, is married to a British woman and they have three children who are British citizens; but evidently the couple's income is not sufficient to mitigate the enhanced risk to public safety that will inevitably result from the immigration tribunal's awkward adherence to family values and the letter of the law.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Common-Sense Conservatism

Britain's Head Boy's ex-token female wog, who resigned last week, ostensibly over the latest Israeli rampage in Gaza, has been doing her best to posture as the straight-talking common-sense northerner, after the fashion of her friend the Member for Brentwood and Ongar. "I am a brown, working-class woman from the north. People have been telling me I'm not good enough since the day I was born," said Baroness Warsi, who is only a baroness. Warsi does not hold the public-school background of the Bullingdon Club against them, but wishes they could be more understanding of those who lack similar opportunities in life, such as Baroness Warsi who is only a baroness and has held ministerial posts without the voters having any say in whether she was good enough or not.

Warsi also had a few things to say about the Bullingdons' appeal to ethnic minorities. After only four years of immigrant-bashing, refugee-bashing, forced repatriations, messages on vans, and means-testing for marriage outside the EU, it has dawned on Warsi that the Conservative Party isn't really interested in the wog vote. She has also noticed, perhaps almost as quickly, that the party leadership consists entirely of white male millionaires who occasionally have some difficulty distinguishing the wishes of their chums from the interests of the nation as a whole. I suppose there are places in the universe where a penny would take longer to drop than the Warsi cranium; but I doubt that many such places are within the pull of gravity.

Saturday, August 09, 2014

Clash of the Charmers

The leader of the Farage Falange is apparently poised to declare himself a candidate for the immigrant-ridden post-industrial hell-hole of South Thanet, where his populist credentials and down-to-earth charm will be displayed to best advantage owing to the proximity of London TV stations, and where any invading fleets from the Continent will be readily visible for him to repel with sword and shouting. The sitting Conservative MP is standing down, and the London Haystack has shown no wish to be parachuted in for the purpose of demonstrating the Conservatives' commitment to the British values of tolerance and sound economic sense. Therefore, the Conservatives have fielded a candidate who used to be a Farage Falange member, in the hope that some of the UKIP glamour will rub off on them. After all, Winston Churchill was a racist turncoat, and look what happened to him.

Friday, August 08, 2014

The Brightest and the Best

The Osborne economic miracle is alive and well in Whitehall, where any efficiency savings that were made from firing civil servants are being happily splurged on hiring the Government's chums in the private sector. Ministries are employing consultants at up to two thousand pounds a day; the most expensive seem to have been hired by the Department of Transport and Chris Graybeing's Ministry for Profitable Incarceration, and almost certainly the Ministry of Moron as well. A spokesbeing burbled that the consultants were needed because the ministries were "undertaking complex transformative projects" or, in Standard English, selling off public assets for private profit; and naturally one cannot expect mere minions of the State to know anything much about that. Doubtless this explains the absence from the list of the Department for Workfare and Privation, whose complex transformative project of replacing social security with Universal Credit, sanctions and food banks has been so smoothly managed by the brilliant Iain Duncan Smith.

Thursday, August 07, 2014

Learning the Lessons

Some unintended consequences of US benevolence have been sentenced for their roles in the Cambodian economic reforms of the early nineteen-seventies. The two men, now in their eighties, were high-ranking members of the Khmer Rouge, which gained power partly as a result of the Americans' deliberate escalation of the Vietnam apocalypse into a regional holocaust. Nostalgic for more innocent times, the Khmer Rouge instituted a rather radical back-to-basics programme, during which about a quarter of Cambodia's population was collaterally detrimented. The régime was eventually overthrown by the evil Vietnamese, who were roundly condemned by the forces of Western civilisation.

On a different subject entirely, some unintended consequences of US benevolence have chased forty thousand Iraqi Christians up a mountain, and are giving everyone else who disagrees with them a rather radical back-to-basics choice of Islam, death or exile. The Americans are reportedly considering air strikes, which did so much to win them the War Against the Abstract Noun and bring peace to the Middle East.

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

In the Name of the Compassionate, the Merciful

An old friend of Margaret Thatcher's apparently surfaced recently in Iraq. Saddam Hussein, who was one of the old bag's most favoured trading partners, was dug up eight months ago and relocated because his tribal allies were afraid his grave would be vandalised. Their fears appear to have been justified: after the body was moved, some forces of democratic virtue broke into the grave site and set it on fire. Saddam was executed in 2006 for the killing of a hundred and forty-eight Shia Muslims, which took place in 1982 and became a crime against humanity in August 1990. According to Reuters, he was "defiant until his last breath"; according to camera footage taken at the time, the forces of democratic virtue strung him up in the middle of his last prayer. They did have the decency to taunt, abuse and hate him while they were doing it; which may or may not be more pleasing to God than the cool professionalism of the lethal-injection functionaries now at work on the other side of the civilisational clash.

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

Slow Learners

Despite more than a hundred and fifty years of British great-gaming in Afghanistan, it appears that some of the natives have yet to learn those sobering moral lessons of the First World War to which the victors' heirs so piously subscribe. A British-run military academy outside Kabul has undergone minor shock and awe, resulting in the highest-ranking demise of an American officer since the start of the present crusade; generals being less easy to find on the field of battle than on the field of Mission Accomplished. The culprit was apparently a native officer; which shows that, whatever lessons may have been learned since the First World War, some people have yet to absorb the lessons of the Sepoy Mutiny.

Monday, August 04, 2014

Turn Out the Lights

Turn out the lights in memory
Of those who died for liberty;
For country, monarch, home and hearth,
For God, for peace, for righteous wrath;
For little Belgium, end of war;
For land, for Man, for mud; nay, more:
For Empire, for those hard-faced men
Who brought the darkness forth again.

Marlin Flanders

Sunday, August 03, 2014

They're Trying to Take Over Our War

Representatives of two lesser participants in the Anglo-American triumph of 1914-1918 have commemorated the centenary of war's outbreak between Germany and France in typically unmanly Euro-wog fashion. The presidents of both countries took part in a ceremony of reconciliation which, unlike the more spontaneous and democratic manifestations prevalent on the mainland, has been described as "carefully choreographed". As one might expect, the occasion was hijacked by both parties for the purpose of propaganda in favour of Brussels, Strasbourg and the undermining of Westminster's sovereignty; and any celebration of the British Empire seems to have been scandalously muted.

Saturday, August 02, 2014

Available Now

This is an English moron mine. It has the usual two shafts, one for safety and one not, and the quality of its product consistently exceeds the required international moron standards for obduracy, blatancy, flakiness and dudgeon. Visible for miles around, its tower and slag heap rise inescapably towards the vacant sky; while the moron lies thick in the dim below.

This particular mine has been in operation since at least the inception of the company, and there is evidence that this particular seam has been systematically exploited as far back as the Neolithic Age. Like every other country in the world, England is uniquely rich in moron seams, which exist in all varieties of landscape, from temperate to tundra, from the most barren desert to the most teeming jungle, and throughout history from the great Australian drongo digs to the California dub rush of 1853. Product from English moron mines is used all over the world, in contexts ranging from the military and quieting children to transport, entertainment, domestic appliances and marital aids. Computers, mobile telephones, video game consoles and, of course, all forms of internet connection module include elements of moron in their construction, whether those elements be silly little slivers or great stupid lumps. In a good year, the export profits from English moron are almost sufficient to pay for the import of moron from everywhere else.

The company’s methods and techniques of moron mining are drawn from long and fruitful experience, while simultaneously taking advantage of the very latest ideas in technology and resource management. The company continues to insist on the highest standards at all levels, from extraction through processing to final packaging and certification. Such standards are achievable only through a rigorous and continually evolving concern to maintain the best possible quality while taking account of necessary constraints. This the company will continue to do, as it has done for thousands of years, by appointment to the Monarch and in close and fraternal collaboration with the Ministry of Moron.

Learn much more

Friday, August 01, 2014

Blood Money

In yet another access of Home Front good taste, the Royal Mint has produced a commemorative £20 coin indicating, among other things, that the outbreak of the First World War was an event equal in fiscal significance to the birth of a royal baby. Some of the dead are hinted at on the reverse side, with an image of Britannia waving toodle-oo to her boys as they sail off to the butcher's. "I decided to use the figure of Britannia," said the designer, John Bergdahl, "in order to represent all of the allies who took part, most of whom were British or drawn from the British Empire." Britannia, it would appear, did not so much rule the waves as share them equally with her chums, coloured or not. The coin will be legal tender but "too prestigious to spend", unlike the blood and guts of those selected sacrifices which it deigns to commemorate.