The Curmudgeon


Saturday, August 02, 2014

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This is an English moron mine. It has the usual two shafts, one for safety and one not, and the quality of its product consistently exceeds the required international moron standards for obduracy, blatancy, flakiness and dudgeon. Visible for miles around, its tower and slag heap rise inescapably towards the vacant sky; while the moron lies thick in the dim below.

This particular mine has been in operation since at least the inception of the company, and there is evidence that this particular seam has been systematically exploited as far back as the Neolithic Age. Like every other country in the world, England is uniquely rich in moron seams, which exist in all varieties of landscape, from temperate to tundra, from the most barren desert to the most teeming jungle, and throughout history from the great Australian drongo digs to the California dub rush of 1853. Product from English moron mines is used all over the world, in contexts ranging from the military and quieting children to transport, entertainment, domestic appliances and marital aids. Computers, mobile telephones, video game consoles and, of course, all forms of internet connection module include elements of moron in their construction, whether those elements be silly little slivers or great stupid lumps. In a good year, the export profits from English moron are almost sufficient to pay for the import of moron from everywhere else.

The company’s methods and techniques of moron mining are drawn from long and fruitful experience, while simultaneously taking advantage of the very latest ideas in technology and resource management. The company continues to insist on the highest standards at all levels, from extraction through processing to final packaging and certification. Such standards are achievable only through a rigorous and continually evolving concern to maintain the best possible quality while taking account of necessary constraints. This the company will continue to do, as it has done for thousands of years, by appointment to the Monarch and in close and fraternal collaboration with the Ministry of Moron.

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