The Curmudgeon


Friday, September 04, 2015

I'm Not An Inquisitor, But

Having suffered one or two strategic setbacks in the war against the objectively disordered, the Vatican has opened a new front against transsexuals. The Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, known in more pious days as the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition, has declared that transsexuals cannot be godparents because they have manifestly failed in the "moral requirement to resolve one’s sexual identity problem according to the truth of one’s sex"; said truth to be infallibly determined by some ostensibly celibate men in frocks and their invisible friend. This is not discrimination, because the Vatican says it isn't; so that's all right.

Thursday, September 03, 2015

Not Quite So Full Up as We Had Been Led to Believe

Britain's Head Boy has had a bit of a burble about the refugee crisis. Apparently his handlers have warned him that pictures of dead toddlers sit rather badly with Rothermere-Stürmer rhetoric about marauding swarms, and even the father of Little Ivan™ (remember him?) can hardly be unaware of the propaganda potential of detrimented infantine resources. Britain's Head Boy proclaimed that "we are taking thousands of people, and we will take thousands of people", presumably just as soon as the Home Office and those reliable folk at Serco and G4S have drawn up plans for appropriate accommodation. Britain's Head Boy stressed the need for a final solution to the problems posed by excess wog mobility, and in particular the need for "a new government in Libya". It seems that someone or other has very carelessly deposed the old government in Libya without leaving anything viable in its place; but Britain's Head Boy apparently chose not to dwell on who the culprits might have been. Britain's Head Boy instead had a bit of a burble about President Assad and the Fighting Sons of Tony in the Middle East, while the London Haystack obligingly backed him up with some blather about sorting the telegenic from the scroungers and looking harder at the prospect of wog-bombing Syria, since wog-bombing always leads to such alluring results.

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

The Nightmare Continues

Fury at migrant horror

Rail passengers between Britain and France have suffered yet further agonies due to the wrong kind of migrants on the line.

The crisis has prompted fears of a humanitarian catastrophe, with trains being halted and re-routed because of migrants attempting to get through the Channel Tunnel.

In extreme cases, passengers and rail companies have been forced to make alternate arrangements for travel and accommodation.

Rail companies said that every possible emergency measure would be taken, but that the main problem was "the wrong kind of migrant."

"If they were a bit thinner, or more of them were children, we could just plough on through and keep going," the spokesbeing said.

"Unfortunately, most of these swarms are strapping young men who have been fed on a regular basis, and red tape prevents the company risking damage to its rolling stock."

Passengers complained that the sight of migrants clinging to the roofs of trains caused them to fear for their salaries.

As an afterthought, Britain's leading liberal newspaper noted that some people had died.

Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Tougher Than Us

While Britannia squeals and clutches her pearls at the thought of five thousand poor devils swarming up her from Calais, twelve thousand Icelanders are calling on their government to take in more refugees. Four per cent of the country's population, the equivalent of something over two million Britons, have signed an open letter asking the government to increase its quota and offering help, education and living space. Iceland, of course, is a Viking colony, with a far more robust economy and culture than we Brythonic tribespersons could ever hope to achieve.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Learning from the Best

An inquiry by the Australian Senate has found that the country's Nauru concentration camp is finally beginning to approach the standard set by those reliable people at Serco and G4S here on the mainland, with incentives such as child abuse, sexual assault and recreational violence providing due safeguards against unintentional pull factors. Portions of the swarm have even been driven to start marauding against themselves, allegedly at the instigation of workers from Save the Children whom the Australian Green Party wants reinstated so they can continue their reign of terror.

The Senate committee insists, ludicrously enough, that the concentration camp is the responsibility of the Australian government just because the Australian government is throwing taxpayers' money at Transfield, the flesh-traffickers who claim to be running it. In fact, of course, the concentration camp is the responsibility of the government of Nauru, much as the abuses in Guantánamo Bay were the fault of Fidel Castro. An attempt to dump the excess in Cambodia seems to have failed, despite bribes of six million pounds per cockroach.

Sunday, August 30, 2015


'Twas yesterday the slimy Tones
Did whine and wibble in the Press.
All grimly came the horrid moans
Of wrath and much distress.

"Beware the Jerricorb, my flock!
The flip-flop shoes, the beard of grey!
Beware Democracy, and lock
The Membership away!"

He'd taken Party well in hand,
Long bowed and scraped at Murdoch's court;
So laboured he 'neath the Tory tree
And sold both hard and short.

But as he gathered up the cash,
The Muslim hordes, with eye of flame
And vicious Saddamite moustache,
To bomb the country came!

One two! One two! And through and through
He pacified the Middle East!
Alas, it terrorised anew -
Ungrateful little beast.

Tomorrow, and the slimy Tones
Will whine and wibble in the Press.
All grim will come the horrid moans
Of wrath and much distress.

Wacky Jabber

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Draughts of History

Chileans are protesting over the presence at London's Tall Ships Festival of La Esmeralda, a naval training vessel and sometime floating torture chamber. The ship was used in the 1970s to provide short, sharp shocks to opponents of the sainted Thatcher's chum, General Augusto Pinochet; enhanced incentivisation methods included rape, the use of electric shocks, mock executions and beatings, as routinely prescribed by defenders of democracy from that day to this. According to Britain's leading liberal newspaper, the only role the USA had in Pinochet's coup was to commission a 1986 report exposing the régime's maritime indiscretions; the Chilean protestors are exercised because the navy has not yet acknowledged its role in these well-intentioned yet mistaken anti-terrorist activities. One of the victims was partly British, which seems sufficient reason for Britain's leading liberal newspaper to think we should care.

Friday, August 28, 2015

A Faith That Can Move Mountains of Marauders

It appears that, thanks to the Home Office, our great country is in no immediate danger of being swamped by marauding Eritreans. The Eritrean government, who are very nice people, have assured the minions of the mad old cat lady that all anyone needs to do is sign a letter of apology for leaving the country without permission, and pay their income taxes. This latter may seem a bit ruthless in our own more civilised political culture, where tax-dodging is the defining attribute of the wealth-creative hard-working family; but a report commissioned last year by the Danish government suggested that conditions in Eritrea were improving sufficiently to be fit for the natives, if not for the average Conservative Party donor. The fact that the Danish government has distanced itself from the report, and the mere reality that the UN has reported migrants being arrested on return, imprisoned for up to three years and "systematically ill-treated to the point of torture" are naturally matters of no consequence, since Government policy dictates that things must be otherwise.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Upward Mobility

Sweet honest labour pays the bills,
And cheers you up, and cures your ills;
So stir your carcass, move yourselves -
Flip burgers, stack some pound-store shelves,
Recall that work, to some degree,
Improves a chap when done for free;
And since you're dead, there can be few
Who'll need this blessing more than you.

Of idleness you must be rid;
So claw away that coffin lid,
Then dig your way up through the dirt
(It's work, therefore it cannot hurt),
And shamble forth to meet with us,
The zombies at JobCentre Plus.
(Please be on time, or else we'll come
And rip a chunk out of your mum.)

C V Mendax

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Oppressive Church

Is there no end to the persecution of ordinary decent corporations? Shell, which has recently been granted permission to finish off what remains of the Arctic, was today subjected to a malicious campaign of unprovoked melodic dinsincentive. The culprits were Greenpeace protesters abetted by Charlotte Church and a string quartet, and the bullying drew expectable squeals of outrage from the victim. A spokesbeing was extruded to express Shell's respect for the right to democratic protest and disappointment at certain malcontents' inability to engage in constructive dialogue and say yes to whatever drilling, spilling and profiteering Shell might feel itself able, in good conscience, to carry out. The spokesbeing delivered a lecture upon the continuing necessity for fossil fuels, which are a path to prosperity for Shell's little brown brothers in the developing world and also, coincidentally enough, for clean-living companies like Shell.