The Curmudgeon


Monday, March 30, 2015

Scarcely the Old Feudal Spirit

An immigrant family business has been accused of bad faith and underpaying its staff, and this despite a small genetic connection to Britain's Head Boy himself. Staff at a Berkshire property belonging to the family of a Mrs Battenberg say they are paid less than the living wage; a spokesbeing confirmed this beyond all doubt by stating that serfs are kept in accordance with government guidelines. An "unsatisfactory pay offer" was accepted last year, on the understanding that additional payments would be considered this year; as is customary in such cases, the management seem to have considered the idea mainly as the chance for a patrician snigger ot two. There will now be a vote on withdrawal of "goodwill" (viz. unpaid) duties, which could mean that class war might break out in the very week when Mrs Battenberg's plump purple chum from Carlton Television is receiving due homage from the proles. It all seems frightfully inconvenient.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Ever-Increasing Insidiousness

Much to the chagrin of the faith-based community at Westminster, the European Union committee of the House of Lords has reported that there is no evidence of excessive Euro-wog influence in any aspect of British life. Chaired by a Conservative ex-minister, the committee even implied that Britain's Head Boy, in claiming that the Euro-wogs had excessive powers, was squealing the thing that was not. To any sensible hard-working family, of course, this merely means that the conspiracy is even more insidious and foreign than previously imagined; but the Conservatives decided that such subtlery of reasoning is beyond the average voter, and opted for simply burying the review. The Deputy Conservatives are very annoyed, now that a Real Conservative has consdescended to tell them all about it; and there are rumblings of discontent in the business community. A spokesbeing for the empty suit at the Ministry for Wogs, Frogs and Huns, however, declared that the review showed that, as usual, the faith-based community at Westminster had been right all along. Remarkably, in spite of their qualms being borne out in every particular, the Conservatives' friends in the Press have said very little about it.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

But Will There Be Tough?

The Ministry for Profitable Incarceration has sneaked through a contract with a foreign company for the UK's first "titan prison", a vast human warehouse first proposed under the kidnap-and-torture régime of New Labour, and subsequently designed to ensure that any attempt by a future government to cancel the project would result in severe and uncompromising punishment for the taxpayer. Fortunately, an incoming government from the other wing of the British Neoliberal Party would be open to other possibilities, provided only that they were punitive enough. The shadow Minister for Profitable Incarceration, Sadiq Khan, claims that he would cancel plans for a new "secure college" (child warehouse, in Oldspeak), partly because it wouldn't cost anything, but mainly on the grounds that the institution "would do little to punish and reform young offenders".

Friday, March 27, 2015

Coming Soon

Thursday, March 26, 2015

They Hate Our Freedom Still

Some eminently sane proceedings at the Old Bailey have ended in a verdict of acquittal for a man charged with plotting to commit acts of terrorism. The trial was originally intended to be held entirely in secret, but after a legal challenge by the media the appeal court put in place a compromise arrangement whereby some of the trial was secret and some of it could be attended by up to ten journalists who were ordered to report only the good bits. The reasons for the secrecy are also a matter of secrecy, although it is believed that security agencies may have uttered the magic words terrorism, national security and brown person, which generally suffices. Meanwhile, the mad old cat lady at the Home Office will doubtless be deeply concerned that a partially secret trial has resulted only in a partially guilty verdict (the accused was found guilty of possessing a bomb-making manual). Certainly the results would have been far more satisfactory if only things had been done in a more confidential, cosy and British fashion.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015


Ignorant and backsliding persons are furthering their evil anti-business agenda with a vicious attack against the innocent pursuit of wealth on the National Health Service. It will be remembered that Twizzler Lansley, the dead-eyed apparatchik charged with pimping the coalition's NHS wrecking bill, took advice from the fast-food industry while ignoring such founts of pseudo-medicine as the BMA. Now McDonald's and Burger King are reaping their rewards through endorsement of their products by association with hospitals, while the BMA is understandably displeased. Taking on the usual function of a parliamentary select committee (viz. the function that used to be the prerogative of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition), the select committee on health has called for a ban; although, as usual, nobody seems to know where else the NHS is going to get its money, since Jeremy C Hunt's Department for Health and News Corporation certainly has no interest in supplying it.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Calling All Churchills

With all its achievements in regard to the budget deficit, the NHS, the infrastructure and the greenest badger-hunt ever, it is hardly surprising that the Government should wish to fall back on wog-bombing to scrape a few votes in this glorious anniversary year of VE Day, VJ Day and the Dardanelles Campaign. Alexei Pushkov's comments yesterday have evidently sent a few Conservative cog-wheels creaking into motion, and today the Minister for War and the Colonies announced that he would "beef up" the defence of the Falkland Islands. There are rumours that Argentina has secured a deal with Russia for the lease of twelve long-range bombers which, in the vew of the Ministry for War and the Colonies, means the likelihood of attack on the islands is increasing. Numerous global threats may also be materialising, despite Britain's consistently pacific stance and its provision of a seemingly inexhaustible supply of Tony Blair.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Not the Same Sort of Thing At All

Some remarks by an empty suit on the subject of the Eastern Question appear to have given a Russian parliamentarian occasion to blaspheme. "The annexation of Crimea was illegal and illegitimate in March 2014, and remains illegal and illegitimate in March 2015," proclaimed Britain's Head Boy's minister for Wogs, Frogs and Huns; whereupon the head of the Russian parliament's foreign affairs committee started drawing comparisons with the Falkland Islands, over which the sainted Thatcher fought a war for peace, freedom and democracy thirty-three years ago. The war cost more than nine hundred lives, many of them British, and was fought against a fascist dictatorship with which the sainted Thatcher's government had been, until then, only moderately friendly. Twenty years after first annexing the islands, Britain fought a war for peace, freedom and civilisation in the Crimea itself, to protect the democratic and humane Ottoman Empire against the illegal and illegitimate onslaught of the baby-eating Russian Bear. Russia's own experience of such purely defensive and democratic wars and land-grabs has, of course, been laughably limited, particularly since the year of the London Blitz.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Right-Wing Solutions

Over the past twenty-four years, five hundred and nine people in prison, police custody or migrant detention have been detrimented without due care and attention, or occasionally with excessive assertiveness. Some of the prison detrimentations showed a "lack of care and disregard for human life that is so blatant that it often appears as deliberate acts and omissions by individuals and institutions", which clearly shows that the minions of Serco and G4S have taken to heart the British Neoliberal Party's policy of perennial and ever-increasing toughness. Fortunately the five hundred and nine demising resources were all wogs, so nobody is to blame; and the Insititute of Race Relations reports that matters can only improve given that the present régime of profitable incarceration makes it even harder for troublemakers to interfere. There has been, as yet, no indication from Britain's Head Boy whether any of this makes him as physically unwell as the thought of allowing prisoners to vote.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Financial Headache

Yet further evidence of efficientisation in Jeremy C Hunt's Department for Health and News Corporation emerged today, when the charity Meningitis Now politely reminded the Government that vaccines tend to save lives and that, at least in a few unregenerate back-wards of the NHS, saving lives is still nearly as important as saving money. A vaccine was recommended to the Department of Health a year ago by the Joint Committee on Vaccination and Immunisation; but it has not been introduced because the Government is still negotiating the price with a drug company. It is as yet unclear whether coalition ministers have shares or hopes of directorships in the company; therefore it also remains unclear whether the Government is trying to negotiate the price downwards or upwards.