The Curmudgeon


Monday, February 20, 2017

Bringing the War Within Almost But Not Quite Measurable Distance of Something or Other

Remarkably enough, despite the late Head Boy's official victory rah-rah nearly two and a half years ago, it appears that our mission to civilise the fuzzy-wuzzies in Afghanistan is not quite so accomplished as we had been led to believe. The blustering blimp at the Ministry for Wog-Bombing has repeated last week's suggestion by the flunkey in charge of cannon-fodder that, thanks to the stability achieved through sixteen years of military intervention, total collapse can be prevented only by further military intervention. Such a collapse, blubbered the blustering blimp, would result in "three to four million young Afghan men sent out by their villages to migrate westwards" and, no doubt, to perform hideous Islamic acts of job-stealing upon our lily-white memsahibs, whatever prophylactic measures may be taken in the meantime by the Home Office and its efficient child-jailing chums at G4S. If it was right to go in and cock things up, blathered the blustering blimp (I paraphrase slightly), then it cannot be right to leave before we've cocked things up as thoroughly as can be managed.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

It Couldn't Happen Here

So dedicated are the Heathen Chinee to their anti-American hoax that they have called in an architect who is foreign even to them in an effort to green their most polluted cities. Stefano Boeri, who designs buildings coated with plant life, has been commissioned to build two neighbouring towers covered in trees and shrubs, and has hopes of applying the principle to an entire city in the near future. Although Britain is a world leader in the fight against climate change, thanks to our American frackers and Franco-Chinese radiation hazards, there is of course no necessity for any such extreme measures here because of the quantity of vegetable matter at the highest levels of Government.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Lower Countries

Geologists in the well-known British Imperial possession of New Zealand have discovered that those humble islands are an outcrop of a large submerged mass which answers all the criteria for a continent, except for the minor one of being above water; and since many more land-masses are likely to become submerged in the near future, it hardly seems fair to quibble over that. The new Imperial territory has been named Zealandia, and governments worldwide are no doubt considering the possibilities of ambassadorships for their nations' more inconvenient luminaries. It is understood that our own Foreign and Colonial Office has already made appropriate diplomatic overtures, ordering the continent to sell its resources cheap and forbidding migration to the British mainland.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Efficiency Savings

Mere experts have once again attempted to put a spoke in the well-oiled machine that is Jeremy C Hunt's National Health Service. Researchers have published the extraordinary claim that unprecedented cuts to public health services have led to an unprecedented rise in excess mortality. The Government, which prefers its excess mortality confined to fictitious "weekend spikes", the better to motivate junior doctors, has naturally shrugged the whole thing off, since the researchers are from a medical institution, an academic institution and a local authority in, if you please, the north of England; hence their links to the Conservative Party or its chums, and thus their scientific impartiality towards alternative facts, must at best be dubious.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Rewriting History

The French presidential candidate Emmanuel Macron has "sparked Algeria row", according to the headlines of Britain's leading liberal newspaper, by saying something that provoked a fascist to patriotic indignation. Macron referred to France's colonial history in Algeria as a crime against humanity, and said that the nation must face up to its past and apologise to those who suffered. Worse yet, he said it in Algiers, surrounded by the very same sort of people who carry out fictitious sex attacks in Frankfurt. Having taken a day or two to get over her moral shock, Marine Le Pen had a squeal on Facebook; while the conservative and possible crook François Fillon accused Macron of disliking history and of "continual repentance" after the fashion of our own Mau Mau-hugging Britain-bashers who can't even find a bit of rah-rah in the Somme. Fillon himself has referred to France's colonial past as a "cultural exchange", which is a bit more woolly and liberal than the idea that We did all the giving and They did all the taking, but still not quite how the uppity wogs tend to see matters.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Making Them Pay

Having waited an excruciating two and a half years since its last execution, the Christian state of Arizona is evidently becoming desperate for a fix. A hundred and nineteen convicts are awaiting the enrichment of God's justice, but the necessary drugs for lethal injections are difficult to come by these days. Though other states are settling for such unimaginative solutions as varying the method of execution, the Christian state of Arizona has hit upon a solution whose ecumenical blend of Protestant parsimony and Jesuitic simplicity rivals that of our own Conservative Party's efforts to fine people for pleading not guilty. The state's new protocol for corrective fatalities invites lawyers for the condemned, or the lawyers' accredited representatives, to provide the agents of justice with phenobarbital or sodium pentothal - always provided, of course, that they can obtain them legally and from a reputable supplier.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

He Serves A Higher Law

Britain's glorious new era of global trade through abandoning and insulting its biggest market may have an unexpected theological dimension. Families of those who were martyred to the Reverend Blair's special relationship with the White House chimpanzee are trying to find out how the country's act of self-mutilation will affect their attempts at legal action. Since Britain's unwritten constitution clearly states that a wog-bomber can do no wrong, the vindictive bereaved have been forced to appeal for funds to pay for the continued harassment of his reverence, and to find out how the permanent re-orientation of our economy towards the Trumpster's financial interests will influence matters. The Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair is probably not quite so wealthy as the Trumpster, at least as regards the present gross material plane of existence; but the moral and spiritual payoffs of his long fight for profitable peace in the Middle East must surely be equal to a gold-plated lift or two.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Will They Never Learn?

Once again it has become apparent that the Euro-wogs have misunderstood their relationship with the mainland: apparently they believe themselves to be eligible for, of all things, legitimate concerns about British nationals. The British régime has repeatedly made it clear that Euro-wogs who have the temerity to be taxpayers on the mainland need not leave the country yet, and the Home Office has efficiently rubbed the message in by ordering several of them to pack their bags. Nevertheless, the Brussels bureaucrats are determined to make life difficult for those members of the master race who have condescended to grace the continent with their civilising presence, and the legal affairs junta is even dragging its feet over agreeing to the sort of transitional deal that the prima donna in charge of Brexit and the vole-brained ex-Minister for Werritty probably settled on the back of an envelope months ago. Acute consternation of the moral sense is no doubt stalking Whitehall, where the very corridors will be aghast at the ingratitude.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Intolerably Threatened

An authoritarian régime headed by a man-child with a bad haircut has responded with the usual noises to North Korea's latest attack on fish. A US official, speaking anonymously in case the Beloved Trumpster changes his mind in favour of re-igniting the officially continuing Korean War, said that the administration had been expecting a "provocation" and would show resolve while avoiding escalation. Meanwhile, there will doubtless be concern at Her Majesty's Government's Ministry for Wog-Bombing over the fact that the missile itself landed in the Sea of Japan instead of on the Heathen Chinee, thus demonstrating that North Korea's delivery systems have a better sense of direction than Trident.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

What Can They Be Up To?

It is of course well-known that Orientals have an enigmatic and subtle sense of humour, but the Heathen Chinee seem to be carrying things a bit far with their climate change hoax. We have the Trumpster's word for it that the Heathen Chinee invented global warming as a means to wreck the American economy; and given its enthusiasm for shale-fracking and continual kicking of the solar industry, presumably Her Majesty's Government agrees with him. Accordingly, the Heathen Chinee have felt bound to carry on the joke by building what is reputedly the world's biggest solar energy farm, although experts have stated that self-interest may be involved. It is all very enigmatic and treacherous, no doubt.