The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

In Their Place

As is only fit and proper, British expatriates in Spain will not be treated like EU migrants in Britain. Although Spain has committed the diplomatic blunder of having its foreign minister make the announcement rather than the king, the UK will doubtless welcome the news that the non-foreign status of Britons among the Euro-wogs is at last beginning to gain due recognition. It remains as yet unclear whether a quid pro quo will be required, other than preventing the Imperial Haystack sailing into Cádiz to singe Mariano Rajoy's beard. Given that Britain's oldest alliance is with Portugal, and that Her Majesty's Government probably doesn't concern itself overmuch with the difference between various subspecies of dago, the profitable presence of British peace-keepers in strife-torn Catalonia may not be far away.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Deal Delayed by Detail Doldrums

Fury at delay horror

The deadlocked nuts and bolts of the May administration's major foreign-policy own goal have been kicked down the road in a possible U-turn.

With characteristic bulldog bravery, the UK government has refrained from criticising the various snubs and insults the country has received from its much larger and more powerful negotiating partner.

The May administration has accepted without demur the timetable imposed by the other side, while proclaiming that nothing has changed and that only a few minor details remain to be thrashed out, such as when, where and how.

It is thought that there is also a measure of issue-oriented unresolvitude on the question of who can do what to whom with whose what.

There are signs in Britain that the will of the people, which was originally against the arrangement, is shifting against the arrangement. However, both governments agree that the will of the rabid orange head-tribble must take priority.

As a show of obedience, the UK recently went to the lengths of dispatching Liam Fox and a team of non-negotiators to demonstrate understanding of the fact that no trade deal is yet on the table.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Imaginative Solutions

Like much of the present Cabinet, magic money trees are strange and temperamental bits of vegetation. Though millions may be to hand for purchasing votes from creationist queer-bashers, and billions may cheerfully be hurled into the black hole of Brexit, mere promises to the proles are quite another thing. Now that bigger and better disasters have pushed Grenfell Tower from the headlines, Her Majesty's Government evidently feels that it's safe to start rowing back on those rash pledges to try and stop it happening again. Ministers are turning down applications for Government money to install sprinkler systems, although in cases "where works are essential" they are prepared to consider before refusing. In response to an MP's query, the dead-eyed warden waved the matter away, proclaiming that allocating money to health-and-safety fripperies was the business of local authorities, as Westminster has better things to do, and that sprinklers are not the only solution to ensuring safety. If the proles were out at work all day and all night, they wouldn't have to worry a bit.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Slapped Down

Given that one of the main attractions of Brexit for its more schoolboyish acolytes is the chance to bring back the birch, it's unfortunate that the Scottish government has once more fallen behind the mainland by supporting the outlawing of corporal punishment of children. The Recrudescent Imperium of Westminster, Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands regards offspring of the non-wealthy as fit mainly for shelf-stacking, call centres or cannon fodder; and a bit of muscular Christianity about the backside also makes a good preparation for the increasingly inevitable time that desperate and disgruntled juvenile resources will spend enjoying the hospitality of those nice G4S people. Present policy permits "reasonable chastisement", except of course between consenting adults who are not prepared to pay.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Buzzed Off

Although it is hardly front-page news, being a purely environmental matter and carried out by mere foreigners to boot, research in Germany indicates a seventy-five per cent decrease in the number of all flying insects over the past quarter of a century. One possible cause of the decline is pesticide use, which may well be one reason why nobody much has bothered about it until now; and of course Her Majesty's Government is unlikely to worry excessively in any case. For one thing, flying insects have never really caught on as the sort of creature that can be hunted with dogs; for another, the problem can always be dealt with by encouraging the ministerial grubs to notch up a few more taxpayer-funded air miles.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Not Quite Such Pure Evil as Some Others We Might Mention

To those who have learned all necessary lessons from the Iraq crusade, the Afghan quagmire, the Libyan débâcle and other humanitarian ventures, the possibility that the Mogadishu truck bombing may have been blowback from an air raid by the forces of righteousness will no doubt come as a considerable surprise. One of the deadliest terrorist incidents for many years, the bombing seems to have resulted from the complex system of clans and alliances which constitutes Somali society's civilisationally-challenged substitute for patriotism and family values. An American operation in August was so carelessly carried out that some civilians were killed, and investigators believe that the bombing was motivated by a desire for revenge, despite the vanishingly rare occurrence of US-inflicted civilian casualties in the mainstream of respectable reportage. Since no Britons were hurt, that mainstream is even now tactfully sparing the attack's eight hundred victims any burden of excess publicity.

Monday, October 16, 2017

The Orange Carpet

Fury at meteorologist party-poopers

Skies all over Britain have been turning the shade of President Trump's head-tribble today in a spontaneous outpouring of affectionate respect for Theresa May's oldest and loudest ally.

In the wake of Liam Fox's triumphant trade mission, in which he managed the spectacular success of landing in America instead of India, patriotic Britons have taken control of the heavens in tribute to the nation's feudal overlord.

The spontaneous demonstrations of respectful affection are thought to be intended as partial compensation for the recent downgrading of the President's scheduled state visit.

What was originally advertised as a full ceremonial reception with optional royal pussy-grab is now more likely to consist of a working afternoon at the trough with whoever happens to be prime minister at the time, or in extremis with Boris Johnson.

However, mere experts have exacerbated the far-left bias of mere facts by attributing the sky's new colour to dust thrown into the atmosphere from recent golf course clearance phenomena in Africa and the Portugal region of Spain.

The president has expressed scepticism on the subject of climate change, in accordance with the minority of scientific opinion which states that large quantities of dust in the air have no effect on the atmosphere but can help to improve the poor by making them work harder for their breath.

The British government has expressed some agreement with the Chinese, but in practice regards climate change on a par with justice or public education, as something to be dealt with by Michael Gove.

Me at Poetry24:
Fox in Stocks

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Troll Triage

It appears, surprisingly enough, that the Government is just as committed to fighting online bullying as it is to greening the economy, curbing corporate profiteering, leashing the scumbag press and preserving the National Health Service. Amber Rudd, the very same Minister for Wog Control who pledged to name and shame companies for employing foreign workers, and whose department regularly sends go-home letters to persons suspected of racial impurity, has allocated £200,000 to the national online hate crime hub, which amounts to about three pounds per incident. Naturally, the money will come from existing budgets rather than from the magic money tree that secured the collaboration of those famous non-haters in the Democratic Unionist Party; which naturally means that something else will have to be cut. It remains as yet unclear whether the Ministry for Wog Control will be issuing any guidelines on which incidents of abuse to prioritise; although it is thought that the emotional requirements of rich, middle-aged men in the white-to-purple colour range are generally the most cost-effective.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Normality Not Normanity

On this day in 1066, the United Kingdom of Plucky Little Britain (which, in the absence of proper Americans, was then generally known as England) suffered invasion by European immigrants. Deposing the democratically elected king, Sir Harold Boris de Pfeffel Godwinson, the Franco-Scandinavian horde proceeded to impose a Feudal System upon the indigenous population, which had hitherto lived a life of carefree liberty in hard-working families. The alien swarm wasted no time in taking over what had been the rights and privileges of freedom-loving Englishmen; in a particularly egregious access of insolence, they even took it upon themselves to harry the North like paid-up members of the British Conservative Party. The nation's very language became bizarrely polluted and mutilated into something nearly resembling the tongue Chaucer spoke, and even the Royal Family did not remain immune, as unpronounceable foreign names like William, Henry and Richard Lionheart replaced solid, businesslike Anglo-Saxon ones like Æthelred, Odda and Eadric the Grabber. Without a doubt, the invasion was the most unsatisfactory subheading in our island story since plucky little England rolled back the Romans under the leadership of that great king, Sir Arthur Boris de Pfeffel Pendragon. Nevertheless, it still remains unclear when the Home Office plans to start deporting all non-Anglo-Saxon taxpayers back to where they came from.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Making Do

When pessimists are talking down
The state of things, with grumpy frown,
Then cries the cheerful-minded chap:
We've never yet run out of crap!

Nay-sayers may yet more complain
That quality will fall again;
The answer to this grumpy gripe:
We have a plenitude of tripe!

Though moaners whine there's not enough
Of any good or wholesome stuff,
Even the cynics must admit:
There are no shortages of shit!

Let now continue, till the end,
This hopeful economic trend;
While we all sink, and smiling die
With optimists in good supply.

Titania Britt