The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, February 07, 2016

The Dust Settles

The blackened bag gapes out a toothless grin;
Soft groceries protrude, strain out dark ends.
The carrier, though little mirth attends,
Widens its smile and cannot hold them in,
And waits for finer fissions to begin.
Through spattered light the modest dust descends;
The dry, white drizzle still serenely wends,
Pale droplets of disintegrated skin.

You would not know, to hear their peace resound,
How noisily the offal pieces played:
How they complained, and dragged themselves around,
And shopped, and shed so much of what has made
This quiet epitaph which moves and lies
Amid the mumbled elegies of flies.

Gleetie Moocher

Saturday, February 06, 2016

They're Everywhere

Is nobody safe? The youth wing of the Farage Falange, comprising mainly those angry, loud white men whose hair has been shaved off rather than fallen out, has been infiltrated by the forces of foreign fascism. Beyond the demonisation of Muslims by those elements of the mainstream media which are owned by an Australian-American economic migrant, and even beyond Daveybloke's cosying up to Latvian Waffen-SS fan club in Europe, British fascist groups are being forcibly reinvigorated by persons of Polish, Ukrainian and Italian heritage.

Tragically enough, in light of the obvious danger to our common Britishness, the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange was apparently not asked to comment, or else was busy with his crusade against the infidel Turks, or was stuck in a wog-generated traffic jam.

Friday, February 05, 2016

Bridge Between Nations

Police in Thailand may have misapplied British values by arresting a number of migrants in what sources said was a gambling den. Thirty-two people, mainly British but including lesser ranks, were taken into custody in Pattaya after a special unit from the interior ministry raided their bridge club. Like Westminster with warmer rain, the resort town is much valued by foreign mafias and is famous for its sex tourism; and, like the United Kingdom, Thailand is run by some not very elected people who have promised to mend what they claim is a broken society, and to that end have given the police unprecedented public accountability by abolishing the distinction between worthwhile tip-offs, malicious denunciation and crank calls. Fortunately, Thailand's wog disposal methods are less enthusiastic than Britain's, especially when the gambling migrants in question turn out to be bridge-playing expats instead.

Thursday, February 04, 2016

Infant Rehabilitation

Given that the Government's prioritisation of mental health appears to consist in slinging the vulnerable into prison and leaving the problem to solve itself, it should come as no surprise that the Home Office is now plotting to put police commissioners in charge of "troubled children". Since the last parliament's attacks on schools and the law have worked out so jolly well, Mad Tessie May has decided to ram the two together Mandingo-style and see what comes of it. Possibly Mad Tessie May has been absorbing Foucault's Discipline and Punish, which draws some facile francophone comparisons between prisons and schools; more likely she is thinking of the commercial welfare of those charming people at G4S, with whom she has almost no marital connection whatever. She has also been inspired by a Conservative police and crime commissioner who, having all the requisite qualifications (viz. an MSc in Politics and Government), plans to open a "free school" with a "crime-specific curriculum" for "troubled children" of four years and older. The school will also aspire to mould "young people on the cusp of crime or interested in joining the police" - that or having, of course, not the slightest tinge of Boolean over-inclusionism. The borstal is already oversubscribed, and it remains to be seen how many of those cherry-picked for attendance will be "troubled" and how many will instead be the kind to keep a policeman's lot a fairly happy one.

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Prevent and Contest

Well, here's a thing: the Government's Home Front strategy in the war on uppity Muslims appears to be inclining towards the counter-productive, though fortunately only if one is concerned with such fripperies as evidence and expert testimony, which the likes of Mad Tessie May have long since shouted down. The programme consists largely of one-word imperatives like Prevent! and Contest!, presumably because shouting is cheap; on the practical side, schools have been ordered to spy on their pupils for signs of "radicalisation", but the Government has not deigned to provide the sort of training which might enable its press-ganged surveillance operatives to make reasonably sensible judgements. Prevent! is apparently short for Prevent, Wogs, Or Else!, and is part of an overall strategy, if strategy is the word I want, called Contest!, which enables citizens to compete in identifying persons at risk of radicalisation from "all groups, such as Islamist extremists or the far right", or anyone else whose values run counter to British ones.

Tuesday, February 02, 2016

I'm Feeling Lucky

Doubtless motivated by nothing better than sour Gallic grapes over Britain's Head Boy's recent triumph against the migrant hordes, a Euro-wog finance minister has had the temerity to cast aspersions at Google's recent triumph over the taxpayers. Google and Osborne have reached a nice, cosy agreement whereby Google, like the Queen, agrees to pay whatever tax it finds convenient while dodging as much as it can get away with and graciously permitting Her Majesty's Government to lobby in Google's favour over Bermuda, where a further thirty thousand million is believed to be basking. The French finance minister has grumbled that the arrangement "seems more the product of a negotiation than the application of the law"; and indeed French tax officers have been known to treat Google in a manner which British enforcers tend to reserve for whistle-blowing journalists and uppity migrants. It remains to be seen whether Michel Sapin's retirement will be more cosy or less cosy than that of the smirking sebacity which gave us the Osbornomic miracle.

Monday, February 01, 2016

Worlds in Collision

Earth knocked off course in drunk-driving migrant horror

The British Government has reacted strongly to scientists' claims that the planet Earth was created by a collision between the real Earth and an alien world called Theia, in which fortunately no Britons were hurt.

The Prime Minister said he was "concerned" at the news, which could undermine house prices for buildings constructed on non-genuine terrestrial resources, thus rendering certain accommodation too affordable for Britain's fragile economic recovery.

The Foreign Office immediately demanded repayments from Brussels and ordered the United Nations to fund an inquest into which parts of the planet have been masquerading as Earth for the past four and a half billion years.

Conservative back-benchers urged the Prime Minister to give assurances that the mind of the Conservative Party would continue to remain off-planet "until our geological heritage is secured, until 2020 and beyond."

In an impromptu speech widely acclaimed as "Churchillian", shadow foreign secretary Hilary Benn urged the Government to hurry up and do exactly what it was already doing, only more so.

Some ministers took a more sanguine view. "Science does get things wrong sometimes," said the secretary for faith schools. "How do we even know the aliens were called Theia? The scientists weren't around at the time, were they?"

Sunday, January 31, 2016

The Secret

He awoke in silence and darkness, listened and strained his eyes. He heard nothing and saw only the darkness. Then there were whispers.
"He has heard," said the first whisper.
"He has seen," whispered another.
He knew they were silently approaching, their hands closing invisibly on his ears and eyes. "I heard nothing," he cried, in hope of mercy.
"But what did you see?" asked the second whisper.
"Only the darkness," he said.
"Then you know," whispered the first; and he awoke in silence and darkness and was never heard, never seen again.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Doing Even More of Even More

Having been forced by legal action to publich its national cleanup plan (those with nothing to hide have no reason to feel accountable to the proles), the Government has retaliated after its usual fashion. The Conservative manifesto included a pledge to "continue to do even more to tackle air pollution", which makes nearly as much sense as Michael Gove's concept of averages; and of course, under the present religious orthodoxy the spending of public money on anything except Trident and tax cuts counts as doing worse than nothing. By a benign coincidence, the Government's new, dynamic initiative means that blame for the country's illegal levels of air pollution will henceforth fall upon local councils, which have been opportunified to clean up their act with a fifty per cent cut in air quality grants.

Friday, January 29, 2016

His Ways Are Not Our Ways

A Commons select committee has blasphemously imperilled its reservation in the Empyrean by seeking to know the mind of God through questioning of His servant, the Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair. Being democratically accountable to nobody but the beliefs in which he believes, his reverence has refused to be questioned in public over his dealings with Colonel Gaddafi; and the Northern Ireland committee is Satanically determined to discredit the miracle whereby the terrorist-sponsoring mad dog was transformed into the Mandela of the Mahgreb by Tony's healing touch. Specifically, the committee seeks the forbidden knowledge of how far, if at all, Gaddafi was pressed for compensation over his régime's involvement in supplying the Provisional IRA with weapons. Given that the Reverend Blair's régime supplied weapons to all sorts of undesirables and was also rather intimately involved in the birth of Islamic State, it's easy to see that certain ethical and theological paradoxes may be apparent to those less spiritually accomplished than the Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair.