The Curmudgeon


Monday, May 25, 2015

Preserving Our Democracy

Those Britons who have lived abroad for fifteen years or more, thereby missing almost the entire earthly ministry of the Reverend Blair as well as the miracle of Osbornomics, will be deprived of the right to vote in the forthcoming EU referendum. A pledge was made that such people would be graciously permitted to exert their democratic influence, despite the obvious risk of their having gone native; but it is most unlikely that the pledge was taken seriously even by expats who habitually go out without their pith helmets, since it was made by the former chair Michael Green. The Government will also be excluding sixteen- and seventeen-year-olds from the vote on the grounds that the franchise, unlike the NHS, the schools and the justice system, is much too important to be tinkered with.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Alas, They Are Not Worthy

Allies of the brilliant Iain Duncan Smith are briefing against his Cabinet colleagues and proclaiming him the Good Cop among the poor-bashers. Apparently the Conservatives, in an unprecedented move, made some pledges during the election that they didn't intend to keep; and now, in another unprecedented move, the Cabinet is trying to keep them, thereby placing a severe strain upon the intellectual capacities of the brilliant Duncan Smith and his almost equally brilliant allies, whose professional advice and expertise Lynton Crosby and the Bullingdons seem somehow to have managed without. The brilliant Duncan Smith, whose pet Universal Credit project is doubtless as much on schedule as it ever has been during the few geological eras since its inception, is worried that cutting the welfare bill by the promised twelve billion will undermine his grand schemes for the moral redemption of proledom. The solution, as always, is "behavioural change" among his inferiors, and "structural reform" of the Department for Workfare and Privation, which has so consistently failed to live up to the brilliant Duncan Smith's compassionate vision.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Trimming Away the Flab

Britain's lissom, slender Head Boy has ordered his prefects to squash a junior tick who proposed a tax on sugary foods. The minister for life sciences had implied that child obesity might possibly be lessened by reducing the profits of companies whose products make children obese. As might be expected, Britain's Head Boy and his chums regard any tax on corporate profiteers as a tax on hard-working families; they did initiate a voluntary "responsibility deal" whereby companies agreed to make their products healthier and were subject to no sanctions at all if they failed to do so, but somehow or other this has failed to have much of an effect. As playground bullies of long standing, the Bullingdons' own preferred solution is a war on fat people, and the Minister for NewsCorp and Profitable Healthcare, Jeremy C Hunt, is already planning the next phase of the campaign. Given Hunt's background as a Murdoch drone, doubtless ritual humiliation will have a role to play alongside the taxpayer-funded forcible surgery.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Never in Albion

The perfidious French have passed a perfidious law which imposes bureaucratic regulation upon the rights of wealth creators. The national assembly voted unanimously in favour of forcing supermakets to give away unsold food, which could mean that poor people will be eating almost as well as hard-working families. Supermarkets are also banned from deliberately making unsold food inedible as a scrounger deterrent, and a fiendish, socialistic re-education programme is to be implemented in schools in order to breed an entire generation of supermarket-victimisers. It is all very perfidious indeed.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Cockroach Trading

Australia, which for economic vulnerability to the migrant hordes is second only to the United Kingdom, has managed to offload four refugees onto the more wealthy and carefree nation of Cambodia, at a cost of only ten million dollars per cockroach. The poverty-stricken island nation notoriously suffers from its native wog population, whose drinking habits have been dragging the country down ever since the rightful owners arrived over two hundred years ago. Cambodia has said that it will accept only genuine refugees, but the definition of a genuine refugee varies between cultures and it is thought that the Cambodian definition, unlike the more advanced British and Australian, does not exclude people who are still alive. All transfers will have to be made on a "strictly voluntary" basis, so Australia has opened a concentration camp in the South Pacific where asylum seekers are given aggressive incentivisation against following the European explorers' glorious example. It is to be hoped that the lucky winners, a Rohingya and three Iranians, will take the trouble to learn Khmer before attempting to take over their new homeland's public services.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Barking Down the Law

The mad old cat lady at the Home Office has been lecturing the Police Federation about how it had better co-operate in the coming apocalypse, because resistance will only hurt more. In a brief lapse into Good Cop mode, the mad old cat lady announced the conversion of police cars into mobile stations, perhaps so that traditional, stationary stations can be converted into affordable housing for all those hard-working families who are struggling to get by on £100,000 a year. The mad old cat lady also wants to reduce the use of police cells to detain the mentally ill, though it is as yet unclear whether the erstwhile detainees will be remanded to the custody of their benefits-slashed, bedroom-taxed relatives (family values) or simply abandoned onto the streets and told to get a job (care in the community).

As to the police themselves, the mad old cat lady does not believe that further cuts cannot be made, which of course quite settles the matter; and she ordered the Police Federation to stop scaremongering and crying wolf. Apparently the Police Federation is full of the kind of irresponsible hysterics who believe that illegal immigrants cannot be deported because of their pets, or who think that accepting 2,309 refugees as part of a European programme would mean the end of the United Kingdom's glorious thousand-year history, or who imagine that terrorism can best be fought by attempting to spy on everyone all of the time.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Spaghetti-Slurping Surrender Monkeys

Italian coastguard commanders have added another inglorious episode to their country's lamentable military history by betraying Fortress Europe to the migrant hordes. Three senior officers in charge of the campaign to clean up the Mediterranean have proclaimed, against all theological reason, that non-NATO countries have territorial waters where military actions may not be carried out; and they have reiterated the claims of Libyan entrepreneurs in the human resource transfer market, to the effect that the most effective course of action would be to destroy abandoned smuggling ships rather than stamp on the cockroaches. Arguably, they have even gone so far as to imply that there are situations involving poor brown people which cannot be solved by a bit of wog-bombing. It is Europe's good fortune that neither the mad old cat lady at the Home Office, nor the empty suit at the Ministry for Wogs, Frogs and Huns, nor the Westminster faith-based community as a whole, has ever had much time for the opinions of people who merely get things done.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Junior Executives Wanted

Some pious chums of Britain's Head Boy are advertising for religious functionaries to dispense divine mercy in a newly expanding economic area where the cuts just keep getting better. No special qualifications are required, beyond a Duncan Smith level of compassion for transgressors and a willingness to work with someone else at the sharp end. Applicants will be expected to work with hands as well as heads, although the presence of hearts and minds may prove disadvantageous, particularly if either should happen to exceed the normal dimensions for faith-based communities such as Westminster and the scumbag press.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Pretty Please, School Bully, Hit Them And Not Us

With the economy back on track and everything going swimmingly, the Chancellor has announced an "emergency budget" for July in which he will commend to a rejoicing House of Claimants his plans for the next round of poor-bashing, cripple-kicking and child-robbing. Accordingly, Conservative local authorities have joined forces with those run by the other one-and-a-bit branches of the British Neoliberal Party, and have written a letter to the Observer, which is obviously just the sort of action to make the Bullingdon Club think again. Better yet, the concerns raised include such matters as "vital services, such as collecting bins, filling potholes, maintaining our parks and green spaces, caring for the elderly", as well as knock-on effects in the hated public sector, such as the NHS. The extent of concern for these fripperies at Westminster generally, and the Bullingdon Club in particular, is clearly more apparent to the honourable councillors than it has been to the reality-based community.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Patriot Missile

As the Labour circle loses one of its most Blairite jerks, in the salesbot form of the Heseltine-wannabe Chuka Umunna, it seems only fair to recall the Reverend Tony's most significant and influential legacy to the world. The peace, freedom and democracy which have been breaking out in Iraq for the past dozen years continued yesterday with a suicide attack by Tony's stepchildren, the god-bothering shock-and-awe specialists Islamic State. This attack was a bit more important than the usual routine of merely Iraqi property vandalism and collateral damage, in that one of the perpetrators is reported to have been a British national. The name which the foreign fighter was using included the suffix al-Britani; which indicates that, as one would expect, the sons of Tony recognise and revere the Union.