The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Frenzied Moments

Fury at filth on Four

Channel Four has been forced to defend itself against charges of pornography over an explicit drama which it plans to screen in the run-up to next year's general election.

Coalition will explore the "emotionally wrought, politically-charged and often frenzied moments" which led Nick Clegg to publicly sacrifice his virtue in a rose garden during the spring of 2010.

Along with its sex scenes, the 90-minute drama will show the decision-making process which led Clegg to throw out his party's policies on proportional representation, tuition fees and civil liberties, and sign up to half a decade of kicking the poor, privatising the NHS, bashing immigrants and squabbling with Europe.

Although the script contains explicit scenes of Clegg and his party colleagues humping the Prime Minister's leg and ejaculating over their little red boxes, the makers have denied that the film will be pornographic. "It's a very passionate and romantic story, but it's all very tastefully done," said production executive Rennard Groper.

However, Channel Four did not deny that there have been some difficulties finding actors for the lead roles. It is thought that Andy Serkis turned down the role of Cameron because of the numerous heavy-duty purple rubber dewlaps whcih he would need to wear on his face, neck, chest, stomach and buttocks.

The casting of Clegg has also been problematic. "Actors by their nature tend to be charismatic, attention-getting types," said one executive who asked to remain anonymous. "It isn't easy to find an actor who can convey Clegg's presence and personal substance and still register on a standard visual medium."

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Bleating for Votes

After only four years of connivance, a fairly negligible underling at the Department for Profitable Healthcare has noticed that mental health services for children are "stuck in the dark ages". The Deputy Conservative minister for cuts in care and support, Norman Lamb, has suddenly decided that consigning the young and troubled to the tender mercies of Chris Graybeing's prison system isn't quite the way to whip them into shape as good little worker-consumers. Lamb was thinking of the children because he was announcing a new task force, which will be charged with finding new and better excuses for whatever closures and privatisations have already been decided upon. In January Lamb's alpha sheep, Nick Clegg, set out twenty-five areas where the Deputy Conservatives have not improved matters in the health service; among other things, he proclaimed it unacceptable that children with severe problems were being processed on adult wards, and that some were being transferred miles away from their homes. As the general election approaches, the acceptability of such practices will no doubt continue to decrease for all three branches of the British Neoliberal Party, only to take a sharp upturn after May 2015.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Noxious Vapours

The greenest government ever has once more been forced to set the Euro-wogs straight on the matter of whether rules that apply to foreigners should also apply on the mainland. The Aberthaw power plant is one of the highest carbon emitters in Europe, but was granted an exemption from the European Commission because it used low-volatility coal and supported a major local industry. Now the law has changed and the British government, as in so many other matters, cannot be bothered to get its data right. If the plant is forced to close there may be job losses, but they will only be Welsh ones. The Department for Emissions, Fracking and Rural Attrition has nothing to say on the matter, since the station is operated by RWE whose confidentiality is sacred; meanwhile a rival company, Eon, has extruded a spokesbeing to proclaim the undesirability of special treatment as it applies to companies other than Eon.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Daveybloke Rallies and Waves the Dead Baby Again

Someone - possibly the Conservative Party's de facto chair, Lynton Crosby - has advised Britain's Head Boy that attracting the filly vote will take a bit more than replacing male Cabinet gargoyles with female ones. Daveybloke has therefore ordered Nick Clegg up into the loft to dig out the Head Boy's rather soiled and worm-eaten Cuddly Conservative mask, which has seen very little use since the extent of the Deputy Conservatives' attachment to principle became clear after the last general election. Now that all the dewy-eyed pre-2010 weediness has been buried in the Dark Net and hence forgotten by the voters, Daveybloke's handlers evidently believe that the reek of exhumation can pass for the perfume of novelty.

Accordingly, Daveybloke has had a bit of a burble at the Relationships Alliance, in which he offered single parents admission to the human race, though he does not appear to have specified whether the ticket will expire before or after May 2015. Daveybloke burbled about how jolly families are, and gave due praise to his trophy wife and spawn; one of the latter, it will be remembered, was considerate enough to be sufficiently dead and handicapped for use as an emotional colouriser for some sweet nothings about nurses and the NHS before somebody or other let Twizzler Lansley loose on them. Daveybloke burbled that there is at least one aspect of conjugal relations about which the Victorians did not know best, namely the omission of mothers' details from marriage registers. No doubt the party has a few upstanding members, like Owen Paterson and the brilliant Iain Duncan Smith, who still believe that each spermatozoön is a miniature Conservative and the female merely an incubator; but at least it should be easier now than in 2009 to persuade these intellectual giants that Britain's Head Boy has no intention of following through his pledges.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Advocatus Diaboli

Abbott in Jesuitical casuistry horror

Australian prime minister Tony Abbott has become the second leader of an ex-British imperial possession to warn Scotland against becoming an ex-British imperial possession.

"What the Scots do is a matter for the Scots and not for a moment do I presume to tell Scottish voters which way they should vote," said Abbott, a moment before telling Scottish voters that anyone who votes for independence is an enemy of justice and freedom.

Abbott echoed US president Barack Obama in implying that the examples of both America and Australia constitute dire warnings for the Scottish people on the perils of independence.

Obama has already warned that an independent Scotland could easily end up being led by a corporate drone and serial murderer by remote control after little more than two hundred years.

Australia has gradually severed its links with the UK while retaining its links with the UK. Nevertheless, only a century after federation the country is led by a religious maniac who wants to sell the Great Barrier Reef for commercial development and likes to bestow mediaeval titles on his friends and sponsors.

If Scotland follows the Australian example, asylum seekers from England in the early 2100s could end up being deported to concentration camps in Scandinavia.

Additionally, both the USA and Australia were financially crippled soon after independence thanks to the failure of their pathetic attempts to adopt sterling and/or a currency other than sterling.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

An Addendum on Man

An optimistic gentleman opined
That man's the proper study of mankind.
And, noting that the ways of Godhead ran
Not always by convenience of Man,
He did his best to justify for him
The divagations of the holy whim;
Which led him ultimately to declare
That anything which is, is right - so there.

Three centuries have nearly gone their way,
With famines, wars and sundry other play.
The optimistic gents, and ladies too
(Their Maker's very image, it is true),
Still grin upon the victims in their plight
And see what is, and say that it is right.
The study made, behold the human race:
Itself its own jest, riddle, and disgrace.

Alexander Pip

Friday, August 15, 2014

Small Fluffy Creatures from Alpha Centauri

British scientists have participated in a successful hunt for seven immigrants which arrived eight years ago from outer space, having hitched a ride on a space probe which was intended for peaceful scientific purposes. The immigrants cunningly arranged to be only a few thousandths of a millimetre in diameter in order to avoid detection, and equipped themselves with fluffy bits so that ordinary people would not consider them a threat. Although used to the harsh extremes of space, the immigrants are thought by ministers to have deliberately and calculatingly made their way to Earth so as to take advantage of Britain's welfare state.

The Prime Minister has chaired seventeen Cobra meetings on the subject and is in constant contact with California, where the immigrants have been detained while authorities try to discover whether they have brought their families along without paying. Although a spokesbeing stressed that British dust was safe from adulteration, Labour criticised the Government for not doing enough to keep microscopic, inert aliens out of the solar system, while maverick UKIP councillor and part-time MEP Wilberforce Bosher-Mosley called on the Department for Profitable Pedagogy to make teaching of the flat-earth theory compulsory in Britain's schools. A Liberal Democrat is thought to have said something about tax credits, but not many people heard him.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Pull It Out and Rub Away

Pious parents in Fremont, California have managed to get a textbook censored for implying that sex can be for pleasure as well as procreation. The book, which is aimed at the upper masturbatory grade of thirteen to fourteen-year-olds, has information on "erotic touch" and sex games such as bondage. The righteous were not slow in ejaculating their concerns, even unto the inevitable scare-word "pornography"; although it is not as yet clear whether the good breeders of Fremont believe that Your Health Today plumbs the same depths of depravity as Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five or the diary of Anne Frank. In what is tactfully referred to as a "compromise", the book has been withdrawn pending various deletions, thereby giving pupils the opportunity to learn about sex from virtuous parents and fumbling classmates, as the Lord in His infinite wisdom decreed.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

PM Authorises Humanitarian Aid

Emergency meeting yields decisive action over crisis

The Prime Minister has cut short his latest holiday and returned to the UK in order to deal with the developing military and humanitarian emergency in Westminster.

The crisis began with an unruly Muslim last week, and soon spread to the London Haystack despite firefighting attempts involving large buckets of drivel being passed from hand to hand.

Today, the military situation swiftly deteriorated to the point of Liam Werritty.

However, sources said the Prime Minister was mainly concerned about the unfolding humanitarian disaster in the region.

"While the party-political aspect and the potential for pre-election wog-bombing are of course deeply important, it's the need to relieve the deserving poor that concerns him most at this point," a spokesbeing said.

"When the minister for an entire continent of Bongo Bongo Lands can't afford to chillax with his family, the proper course of action is obvious to anyone with a shred of British values."

It is believed that, after chairing an emergency meeting earlier today, the Prime Minister has authorised the RAF to drop food hampers to the family of Mark Simmonds.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Cheerfully Defiant Criminals Mock British Justice

Some doubt has emerged as to whether the sentences of jailed phone hackers include sufficient emphasis on the punitive. The recently released Neville Thurlbeck has reported, in a "light-hearted" blog entry, that Andy Coulson is in good spirits and has received "nothing other than the hand of friendship" from other warehouse stock. There have been reports of the Prime Minister's former Murdoch stable-mate being attacked, and Thurlbeck expressed a wish to "put the record straight". In a denizen of the scumbag tabloids, this is certainly a rare and precious motive; but it is as yet unclear what the stern moralists in Chris Graybeing's Ministry for Profitable Incarceration will make of the matter. Given that the Ministry, like many scumbag tabloids, usually does not consider people sufficiently punished until they have been driven to riot or suicide, all this unrepentant chirpiness must be a cause of deep concern.