The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Nocturnal Emissions

God dreamed a universe, and woke, and tried
To call the fading vision back to light.
Mad fragments blinked before His sluggish sight;
Blind masses flickered, disappeared and died.
Loud He proclaimed that from Him none could hide,
Pursued the phantoms with His senile might,
Commanded loud; but never more saw quite
By what rules that dream-world was justified.

Thus incomplete, unjustified, inane,
From peaceful darkness routed and annoyed,
This universe must stay till waking cease:
The sterile spillage of His nighted brain
Briefly polluting silence and the void
With senseless spatterings of galaxies.

Samuel Grimsnipe

Friday, July 22, 2016

Discreetly Disposed

As an indication of her government's intentions in the journalistic index of reliability, Mad Tessie's warm One Nation words at her coronation naturally trump anything she may have done during her six ugly and fact-proof years as Home Secretary. Accordingly, great is the surprise and loud the lamentation now that the Government has reneged on its pledge to end the imprisonment of children. On the last day of parliament, a flunkey from the Ministry for Wog Disposal sneaked out a statement announcing the closure of the accommodation which was opened five years ago, where support is provided by Barnardo's; and the removal of its junior migrant swarms to a prison environment where they will instead be subject to the tender mercies of G4S. The flunkey referred to the prison as a "discreet unit" and gave due reassurance that it would comply with the letter of the law; indeed, the discretion attending the announcement does rather stink of having nothing to hide.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Incorrectly Incentivised

Despite the lack of non-sneaky participation by British forces, the wog-bombing campaign in Syria seems to be going about as well as can be expected. It will be remembered that the crusades in Iraq and Afghanistan, ostensibly intended to wipe the scourge of terrorism from the face of the earth, led instead to some lucrative mercenary contracts and the appropriation of some conveniently ownerless petroleum. Ironically enough given that almost everyone had anticipated it except the Reverend Blair and his chum the chimpanzee, the stringing-up of Saddam Hussein, the decapitation of al-Qaeda and the superbly prolonged extirpation of the Taliban also led to widespread radicalisation and the rise of Islamic State, thanks largely to the shock and awe that accompanied those liberatising events. Having learned all appropriate lessons, the US and its satraps are continuing the good fight in Syria, where at least seventy-three civilians have been forcibly democratised because they were indiscreet enough to live in a strategic centre. The US admits to thirty-six civilian deaths from its daily wog-bombings of the past year or so; which makes perfect sense given the rules of engagement in most US-led military adventures, namely that males in strategic centres are enemy foot-soldiers, and women and children in strategic centres are human shields. Yet still people are somehow or other moved to join the terrorists, whose rules of engagement are not nearly so enlightened.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Cultural Minefields

About 2.3 per cent of the area formerly known as Yugoslavia is littered with unexploded bombs, mines and other mementoes from the 1990s freedomisations; and about fifteen per cent of the population live near the privileged zones. Among this number, the proportion of smartphone zombies is as yet unclear, but may soon undergo a salutary thinning-out. The new game Pokémon Go - which deploys the non-virtual world for the benefit of those who lack sufficient imagination to shoot virtual enemies, play virtual board games or fling virtual irritated avians at virtual squatting porcines, let alone read a book instead - has paradoxically exacerbated the usual smartphone syndrome of chronic inattention to one's surroundings: now that the surroundings have been hijacked by the game designers, the non-virtual world is deemed worthy of attention only inasmuch as it contains interactive virtual critters. Citizens of Bosnia have been warned to "respect demarcation signs of dangerous mine fields and not to go into unknown areas", in spite of the obvious cultural advantages of letting nature take its course.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

When I Became a Minister, I Put Away Backbenchly Things

In what will doubtless be the first of many assaults on our new-found sovereignty, some interfering Euro-wogs have proclaimed that snooping on people who probably haven't done anything wrong is illegal, even when the snoopery is carried out on behalf of Her Majesty's Government and on the whim of Mad Tessie May. The verdict is the result of a legal case brought in part by the assiduous David Davis publicist David Davis, who has been known to posture noisily now and again as a champion of civil liberties. Unfortunately for British values, now that the newly-crowned snooper-in-chief has given David Davis his own little ministry with which to induce the Euro-wogs to give us all the privileges of club membership in return for none of the obligations, David Davis has discovered himself to be in substantial disagreement with David Davis, and has slunk away from the whole affair with his detumescent principles dangling between his legs. It is as yet unclear whether David Davis made his choice before or after he learned that he was going to be thrust into a house-share with Adam Werritty and the Imperial Haystack.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Sparing Themselves

Under different circumstances, the latest report from Oxfam might have come as a bit of a shock, especially to those who voted to leave the EU because they believed the Farage Falange's propaganda about hordes of darky types pushing us past the breaking point. The Oxfam report notes that the world's half-dozen biggest economies, which together account for more than half of global GDP, host slightly less than nine per cent of the world's refugees. Of that number, Germany has taken about a third, with the rest split between the US, China, Japan, France and our open, tolerant and oh-so-fragile selves. It appears that the UK has been driven to breaking point by a swarthy swarm of 168,937, or slightly more than the population of the vast and overcrowded conurbation that is Warrington. Meanwhile, another half-dozen countries - Jordan, Turkey, Pakistan, Lebanon, South Africa and Palestine - are dealing with more than half the problem while accounting for less than two per cent of the global economy; which of course seems only fair. Nevertheless, it might have come as a shock for our sovereignty-mongers to learn that the number of refugees living in their street and taking all their jobs is something less than the world population of scroungers, and certainly less than might be expected given the frequency and enthusiasm of the wog-bombings with which Britain has helped to motivate the future wards of G4S upon their way. Fortunately, given the present frenzy of cool reason among the saviours of our Britishness, these distasteful tidings are likely to remain largely unheard.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Keeping Things Civilised

Britain's brother in values, the Kingdom of Bahrain, has been accused of failing to investigate claims that opponents of the government are being subjected to torture, which in at least one case has resulted in a confession that led to a death sentence. Concerns have been raised by the US civil rights organisation Americans for Democracy and Human Rights, as well as by Amnesty International and the United Nations - which, since the accused is neither Russia nor Iran nor North Korea, Britain's leading liberal newspaper collectively dismisses as "campaign groups". ADHR filed a statement in 2014 to the effect that one dissident was tortured for four days before confessing to taking part in a bombing that killed a policeman. The statement was apparently overlooked by the relevant ombudsman because it was filed via email rather than via the appropriate complaint form; and this despite the fact that the Kingdom of Bahrain is constructing a new Royal Navy base and that the relevant ombudsman is funded by the British taxpayer via the Ministry for Wogs, Frogs and Huns. Fortunately, the Ministry has extruded a flunkey called Toby to proclaim that everything's all shipshape now; and the ombudsman, with all due independence, concurs.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Tackling the Problem at its Source

A veteran of the Reverend Blair's crusade in Iraq has been jailed for terrorism offences, along with a refugee who was shot and crippled during the late Head Boy's crusade in Libya. Although the danger of allowing dusky refugees into the country is well known, it remains as yet unclear whether the activities of Stephen Gray of Moss Side in Manchester will cause lessons to be learned or punditry perpetrated about the dangers of sending heavily armed British natives overseas to kill, maim and displace large numbers of foreigners.

Friday, July 15, 2016

The Ribbentrop Factor

The elevation of the ridiculous Boris Johnson from London Haystack to Imperial Haystack has elicited the expectable reactions from those who will henceforth be called upon to entertain him. The French and the Germans are shaking their heads sadly, the Spaniards think we're kidding, the Turks are standing on their dignity, the Iranians are giving us the hard stare, the Americans are sniggering at us, the Chinese are taunting us and the Ugandans are patronising us.

In fact, the Foreign Office is not what it was. The Bullingdon Club had no real interest in dealing with foreign governments; only with foreign profiteers. Now that the sniggering posh boys have given way to dead-eyed vulgarians (meritocrats, in Modern English), those foreign relations that matter will be handled by the new departments for international trade and Goodbye Euro-wogs. It's true that the former will be headed by an imbecile and the latter by a prima donna; but it does seem possible that Mad Tessie has conferred little of substance upon the Haystack except a golden opportunity to discredit himself permanently in the eyes of the world, the Great British Public and Big School.

Given that the Haystack has himself compared the EU to Hitler, perhaps I may be permitted a small Godwinism. During Hitler's early years in power, when he was aiming at relatively smooth international relations, he employed a strutting dimwit named Ribbentrop as his Foreign Minister, who made quite a name for himself at the start of the régime. When the Nazis began invading their neighbours and conquest was all that mattered, Ribbentrop was sidelined and was barely heard from again until the Nuremberg trials. Similarly, when one's idea of significant international relations consists entirely of barking orders at the wogs (David Davis) or yapping that someone else is to blame (Liam Fox), a proper Foreign Secretary is little more than a source of unnecessary trouble.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Unquiet Spirits

The ghosts of those who have not died
crouch in their cells and shuffle the coils,
rattle the bones in the brain-cage,
haunting the meat while it spoils.

Samuel Grimsnipe