The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Silence is Cheap

A minute's silence now for those who died
For snoopers' freedom, and because we lied.

For them we bow our solemn, well-fed faces
(Because they were not killed in foreign places);

Then raise our heads, and with a pious smirk
Continue with today's wog-bombing work.

Davey St Anthony

Monday, July 06, 2015

Hosepipe Bans to Increase Until 2100

Deprived of the scientific wisdom of Owen Paterson, and after only twenty years of increasingly hot summers and increasingly mild winters, the Meteorological Office has discovered climate change. Against all common sense, mere scientists have proclaimed that global warming means Britain will warm up too; making, as Britain's leading liberal newspaper noted in a minor squib, "scorchers the norm", with all the droughts, floods and hosepipe bans entailed thereby. The Met Office stopped short of recommending more river-dredging, better badger-busting or a bounty for Serco on every prole boiled or drowned; but, mindful of its funding, it did qualify its observations with the caveat that "cold winters and wet summers just become less likely, and we will still have to be prepared for them". Translated from the Modern Standard Whitehall, this means that nothing much will continue to be done.

Sunday, July 05, 2015

Collateral Opportunification

Thanks to the Osbornomic miracle, of course, the National Health Service is not in crisis; people with long-term illnesses are thriving on the Government's cripple-kicking therapy; schoolchildren are being driven into nervous breakdowns only because their teachers have so much time for them; and food banks the length and breadth of the country are being swept away on the tide of general plenty. Accordingly, Britain's Head Boy has announced that his cash-strapped Government will be using the income from penalties imposed on the banks to fund a bit of posturing over terrorist atrocities. Although the Government is doing everything it can to encourage personal responsibility in healthcare, employment, house-building and profiteering, it seems that the hard-working families of terrorist victims cannot be trusted to build their own memorials, thereby necessitating a quasi-Socialist intervention to remind future generations of the need for constant vigilance and continued wog-bombing.

Saturday, July 04, 2015

But Some Rights Are More Certain and Inalienable Than Others

The defence of individual freedom and the rule of law, not hitherto major priorities of the Bullingdon Club and its chums, have been invoked in an open letter requesting the US President to facilitate the release of the last British resident in Guantánamo Bay. Along with Jeremy Corbyn and Russell Brand, signatories include the former attorney general Dominic Grieve, whose concern for the law has increased by leaps and bounds ever since Britain's Head Boy booted him out of office; and libertarian heavyweights of the order of David Davis, Tessa Jowell and the London Haystack; so it is difficult to see how the White House will be unable to resist.

Britain's Head Boy himself, of course, has done absolutely everything that falls more or less within the bounds of his personal convenience to secure Shaker Aamer's release, although it remains unclear what sanctions have been put in place against the United States for its gross and continuing breach of a British resident's rights. In fairness, there are extreme sensitivities at stake: notably those of the Republican heirs to the Bush chimpanzee, who have majorities in both of the US's legislative chambers and don't really want Obama to do anything except go back home to Kenya; and those of the MI6 spooks who were complicit in Aamer's kidnap and torture and whose itsy-bitsy feelings are, as always, a gravely important matter of our own national security.

Friday, July 03, 2015

Britain Soldiers On

Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition has proclaimed that, as usual, it is unlikely to oppose the Goverment, particularly on so vital and morally-charged a matter as wog-bombing. The Conservatives' previous attempt to expand operations from the Iraqi Republic of Mission Accomplished into the Strife-Torn Failed State of Syria ended in embarrassment because Britain's Head Boy failed to whip up enough support to vote down the Milibeing's very timid objections; nor could the Bullingdon Club muster sufficient bipartisan spirit to accept Labour's amendment and allow Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition to share in the adventure's collateral glory. This time, it appears, there is to be statesmanship all around, and the full-spectrum fight against the Fighting Sons of Tony will continue to metastasize until the terrorists settle down and become less extremist than our chums in Riyadh, less reactionary than the British Home Office and less murderous than the Reverend Blair.

Thursday, July 02, 2015

The Invasion Continues

If Britain feels even more full-up than usual today, there is good reason for it. The court of appeal has ruled that the Home Office's fast-track wog disposal system is unlawful and "structurally unfair", with the result that another hundred migrants have been released into the wild, there to mess with our plumbing and drive native proles out of the domestic service market. Since structural unfairness more or less sums up Conservative policy from the social security cuts to the proposed Great Daveymander formalising our one-party state, the hard-working families of Britain's white working class could be excused for wondering what makes asylum seekers so special; and no doubt the Labour leadership candidates will be lining up accordingly to demand a more business-friendly programme of deportation. The ministerial cockroach in charge of wog disposal, James Brokenshire, has temporarily suspended the fast-track system, but hopes to get back to locking them up and kicking them out within a few weeks, as soon as the Government has ensured that everything is working well enough to minimise any risk of unfairness to the Government.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Not Quite Judaea

The estimable J Sewell McEvoy has posted a very generous review of my novella A Place Calling Itself Jerusalem - a long-gestated, humble and/or hubristic attempt to follow in the footsteps of Karel Čapek, Mikhail Bulgakov, Roger Caillois and Tim Rice, all of whom portrayed the figure of Pontius Pilate with varying degrees of imaginative sympathy. Since Čapek also invented the word robot, there is a certain pleasing neatness to their prevalence in my alternate (or serial?) holy city.

Meanwhile, Mr McEvoy's book of review continues to expand with perceptive and intriguing pieces on the overlooked and under-rated (after years of vaguely noticing Richard Cowper's name on second-hand paperbacks, this finally induced me to do myself the favour of reading him). The numinous archives are always well worth a trawl.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Cancer? It's Your Own Silly Fault

Since the Government has no business improving the lives of people who cannot afford private healthcare, the Minister for Health and News Corporation has ordered the proles to start looking after those left behind. It is unheard-of for old people to have no living friends or relatives; therefore the sad and profitless deaths of customers for council-funded funerals must be due to a lack of family values among the benefits-claiming classes, whom Hunt now urges to adopt a granny during their copious free time. Hunt also urges the little folk to eat their greens, take proper exercise and perhaps follow the example of Britain's Head Boy and chillax a bit now and then, because unhealthy lifestyle choices are putting pressure on that precious NHS for which Hunt and his chums have shown such overwhelming concern.

Monday, June 29, 2015

They Have Fought Us on the Beaches, the Bastards

Britain's Head Boy has been doing the statesmanship thingy in response to the murders in Tunisia: he has called a Cobra meeting, dispatched the mad old Home Office cat lady to the scene where she can frighten off any more evil-doers, and had a bit of a burble about what to do next. Since Trident doesn't appear to have deterred the scoundrels, Britain's Head Boy has pledged a "full spectrum" response, which represents an advance over previous pledges (nation's books balanced within a single parliament; no top-down restructuring of the NHS; money no object for the victims of Lake Paterson, etc.) in that it scorns humble falsehood to scale the giddy heights of blathering inanity. A spokesbeing duly clarified matters with the admission that he didn't know what the pledge meant, but that he assumed it meant something or other, of the occurrence of which there is no sign whatever. What it probably means, of course, is that the Government will continue to use the Fighting Sons of Tony as an excuse for doing more or less as the Government pleases, particularly in the fields of all-pervasive snoopery and casual racism. Meanwhile, ministers "privately acknowledge that the starting point for defeating Isis is a stable Iraqi government that embraces alienated Sunni Muslims" - in other words, an administration much like the one headed by that cherished chum and business associate of successive British governments, Saddam Hussein.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Rocky Recovery

Conservative MPs in Yorkshire are squealing because the region's heritage is being dismantled by non-corporate entrepreneurs. Buildings of all kinds, including those that could potentially profit Party donors, are suffering the depredations of stone thieves. It is suspected that the thieves are selling the stone to rogue builders, whose concerns may not be sufficiently oligarch-oriented to qualify them as bona-fide engines of the Osbornomic miracle. Were the risk of a public panic not so great, there might even be whispers of a danger to house prices. Stone is, of course, a profoundly Conservative resource, being not only a useful ingredient for mansions and vertical prole deterrents, but also a traditional weapon in witch-hunts and lynch mobs.