The Curmudgeon


Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Moral Exports

British values have well and truly become the opiate of the Heathen Chinee, who are undertaking a major social cleansing programme to get the plebs out of the suburbs. Unlike our own more advanced and humane planners, the Heathen Chinee do not regard gentrification as an end in itself, and the government is using urban overcrowding as the pretext; but already the results for the housing market have been salutary, so it should be only a matter of time before a local equivalent of the Rothermere Daily Stürmer complains that present measures don't go far enough and urges immediate and compulsory use of vagrancy deterrents such as spikes for the homeless and on-the-spot fines for the indigent. The whole business has caused Dr Yan Song, director of the University of North Carolina's programme on Chinese cities, to recommend full communism: "if there is overcrowding or a shortage of services, why don’t you expand public services? Provide more education, opportunities, healthcare, hospitals - that’s something the government could do, rather than putting effort into pushing away the migrant population." Doubtless the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK will be having a quiet word with the Trumpster about how to deal with mere experts who try to subvert great empires onto the road to serfdom.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Tessie's Numbers Racket

Putinistic evidence-fetishists at the UK Statistics Office have had the temerity to rebuke the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK for, of all things, saying the thing that is not about police funding. Tumbledown Tessie, whose career of rampant truth-telling includes the one about the immigrant and his cat, the one about giving workers a place in company boardrooms and, not least, one or two hints about strength and stability, has been throwing £450 million in largely fictitious currency at the national police budget. The dead-eyed warden's claims were repeated by the Home Office and by the reliably gormless Andrea Leadsom, which should have been hint enough for anyone; but in the view of the UK Statistics Office the joke was still too subtle for the British sense of humour, and mere experts, with their characteristic addiction to pettifogging factuality, have placed their North Korean loyalty to the Labour Party above their duty to Queen and country. Given the likely effect on police morale, it is to be hoped that Tumbledown Tessie's favourite boot-boys, those honest folk at Serco and G4S, can be on hand to beat the more recalcitrant figures into shape.

Monday, March 19, 2018

Britannia Slinks Back to Port

Another of the Recrudescent Imperium's phoney wars has ended in an armistice, yet again with the phoneys rather obviously on the losing side, in that the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove, who had promised to take back control of Britain's fisheries, has emerged from the business looking about as honest and intelligent as he usually does. Although fishing is a relatively small part of what remains of the economy, it is highly significant for feelings, which of course are all that counts. For the jabbering homunculus himself, the quest for piscine autarky is nothing less than a personal crusade: apparently he blames the ghastly Euro-wogs for sending his father's fish processing business to the wall, thereby forcing the jabbering homunculus into his present dead-end job just to pay the bills. Nor should one underestimate the likely traumatic effect upon the senior Gove when a cruel Fate rubbed salt in his wounds by causing him to spawn a scion with the facial and intellectual endowments of an orgasmic turbot. Still, ministers are just about beginning to understand the need for economic stability if any directorships worth having are to be salvaged from the ghastly mess; so the jabbering homunculus has graciously fallen in behind whoever is operating the blithering prima donna David Davis at the moment, with doubtless a Dolchstoßlegende or several already nicely on the boil.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Bad Theology

Text for today: Mark 12 xxviii-xxxi; Matthew 5 xliii-xlviii

Although He much preferred calling down fire and brimstone upon the heads of all who could not hear Him, Jesus did occasionally spare a few words for the comparatively minor subject of love. We may quickly dispense with His final exhortation that His disciples should love one another: what teacher or prophet, aside from Friedrich Nietzsche, has ever required that their followers be divided?

Earlier in His ministry, Jesus was questioned by a scribe as to the most important commandment of all. He replied that it was for the Jews to love God with all their heart, all their soul, all their mind and all their strength; and also that they should love their neighbours as themselves, presumably using the leftovers. But unless we are to take Hear, O Israel as a synecdoche for Hear, O Heathen Gentiles and Goyim, these commandments were intended for the Jews alone.

More interesting is the commandment to love one's enemies. Our thoughts on this injunction should in no way be prejudiced by the fact that Jesus Himself made no attempt to live by it, abusing His detractors in fish-wife language while promising unlimited rewards to friends and dire punishments to everyone else like any other beloved son of a totalitarian génocidaire. A virtue is no less a virtue for being disingenuously recommended by One whose ways are not our ways.

Why, then, should we love our enemies? Jesus gives two reasons, one worldly and the other spiritual. The worldly reason is that we will feel superior to the heathen, who are always good for a snigger in the Saviour's social circle. More importantly for our moral growth, Jesus suggests that in treating our enemies no differently from anyone else we may become like God Himself, who sends His death and disaster to engulf both the just and the unjust, and who sits back in His Heaven to observe, with a beatific smile, the grief and suffering of Jew and Gentile, of weak and strong, of righteous and unrighteous alike.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Nostalgia Time Again

Just as the late Head Boy was never less convincing than in his Daveybloke, Popinjay of the People persona, so the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK has never quite managed to inhabit the mask of vicious populism cosily enough to hide her basic vicious authoritarianism. Nevertheless, it seems she will be using the latest party rah-and-blah to revisit one of her least plausible lines, namely that she has some sort of problem with citizens of nowhere and Putinite stooges calling the Conservatives the nasty party. She will also pump a bit of stale air into the semi-liquescent corpse of the New Labour-vintage excuse that everything which goes wrong is simply the result of everything going wonderfully and the population being too thick-headed to see it. Various postmortem farting noises are likely to ensue, along with corresponding olfactory effects; so at least we should all thank the Conservatives for holding their rah-and-blah during the cold weather and not making summer's perfume even higher.

Friday, March 16, 2018

A Peace the World Might Rest In

Advocates of Mutual Assured Destruction will rejoice to hear that the charming Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, of the head-chopping House of Saud, has expressed an interest in helping to keep the peace in the Middle East by acquiring weapons of mass destruction. It was, of course, the presence of such weapons (specifically those of Britain and her greatest ally, in that order) which kept the peace in Europe after the Second World War. Certainly the peace was entirely unrelated to anything so vicious and genocidal as a lot of silly trade agreements and Nazi-style punishment treaties based in Brussels. Since the Trumpster has been commanded by his rabid orange head-tribble to tear up the deal with Iran, the head-chopping House of Saud now sees an opportunity to start a regional nuclear arms race: a prospect which should please advocates of deterrence, whose logic dictates that the more nuclear powers there are, and the more unpredictable their response to perceived threats, the more peaceful the world will become.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Appearances Deceive

After a bit of a flop in the old Dunkirk spirit on the part of the perfidious French, who still seem to think mere evidence has a place in criminal investigations, various Euro-wogs have joined their amusingly-accented voices to Britain's in condemning Russia over the Salisbury nerve gas attack. Macron apparently changed his mind after a personal phone call from the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK; doubtless she told him she wasn't making it up, and one can certainly sympathise with his need to get her off the line as expeditiously as possible. Much the same must apply to the Lithuanian foreign minister, who staggered out of a meeting with the Imperial Haystack blaming Russia unequivocally, but also indulging in crypto-Corbynite deviationism with the implication that Britain looks weak thanks to, of all things, Brexit. Clearly the Lithuanian foreign minister has failed, just as Vladimir Putin has failed, to appreciate the diabolical Great Game subtlety of screaming "Nazi!" at one's trading partners and then caving in, only to withdraw the cave-in a a little later in the popular press, so that the poor foreign fools will never find out until it's far too late. With this sort of soft power revving beneath our bonnets, it is hardly surprising that fatalities from the Salisbury WMD remain somewhat fewer than those from even a mildly meritorious drone attack.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Safety Isn't Safe

The perils of safety regulations as taught by mere experts have been demonstrated once again in a California classroom, where a teacher trained in weapons use accidentally fired into the ceiling and inadvertently pacified three students. Even in California, teachers are not supposed to carry guns into classrooms without explicit authorisation, and it appears that in this case the authorisation had not been given. Hence, besides displaying the futility of experts, the incident also shows yet again the futility of having rules, since someone with a gun will inevitably break them. On the other hand, if the entire population of the school had been armed to the teeth, the odds would have been greatly in favour of at least one student being quick enough on the draw to neutralise the teacher before he wounded three classmates and the ceiling. Equally, had the teacher not been strenuously trained and qualified in weapons use, he might have been more tentative about the ejaculatory readiness of the weapon he was holding. Guns don't hurt people; what hurts people is knowing stuff.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

More Malcontents

Like a filthy foreign jackboot laced with red tape, yet another subversive nest of traitors and enemies of the people has come goose-stepping into the sunny, cake-strewn uplands of Brexit. This time the infiltrators have taken over the Office for Budget Responsibility, drowning the soulful saccharine of sovereignty in a cold, cruel gruel of mere economic calculations. Rather than rejoicing in the astute diplomacy of David Davis and the foxy free trade of the vole-brained former Minister for Werritty, the OBR predicts that we will gain precisely nothing from leaving the EU. Thanks to a degree of Brusso-Strasbourgian bullying which even the limericks of Boris Johnson have been unable to mitigate in full, the process of settling our financial obligations while compensating for lost EU funding will alone cost the country as much as staying in; and, thanks to our global standing and our kicking out all those wogs, the prospect of a handy economic boom to help matters along appears, to say the least, a bit elusive. Fortunately, as with so many other inconvenient sectors of the populace, the whole problem can be rapidly and efficiently solved by privatising the Office for Budget Responsibility and outsourcing its staff to Poundland.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Sensible Britishness for a Happier Jihad

As the Crown Prince of the head-chopping House of Saud continues to charm Her Majesty's Government with his automotive feminism and appetite for British wog-bombing wherewithal, Tin-Pot Tessie and her mean little God will doubtless be gratified at the latest demonstration that British values are still finding favour among Britain's best-beloved Islamic fundamentalists. Besides showing Yemen the benefits of British arms and training, the head-chopping House of Saud is deporting Yemeni workers from Saudi Arabia into the war zone, in a manner that would do credit to the British Home Office. Since many of the workers have families in Yemen who depend on the wages they send back, the deportations will mean even less money to go round. There are even rumours among the uneducated and unenlightened that the head-chopping House of Saud is somehow in cahoots with Britain, the USA and Israel, rather than with Allah as generally advertised; so there will be no immediate shortage of angry young men to keep all those British toys from being wasted.