The Curmudgeon


Thursday, October 02, 2014

You Can Take the Christian Out of the Oil Man, But...

The Archbishop of Canterbury has overruled his Saviour on the matter of loving one's enemies and not resisting evil. It is all very well to turn the other cheek and go the extra mile, but not when your enemy has been voted for extermination by the House of Expenses Claimants. Speaking in the House of Donors, the Archbishop proclaimed the latest crusade to be justified on "humanitarian grounds to enable oppressed victims to find safe space"; the collateral damage will no doubt find its way to Paradise in good time. Meanwhile the Church will be doing its part, apparently by using abstract nouns to beat jihadis into Anglicans.

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Terror Suspect Walks Free

Terror suspect fury at suspect terror

Terror suspect Moazzam Begg is to walk free once more after the terror prosecution team presented no evidence at the terror trial.

The terror suspect had been detained for seven months in the Belmarsh high security warehouse after being arrested on terror charges which the terror suspect denied.

The terror suspect has a previous record of detention, having spent three years detained in Bagram and Guantánamo Bay at the pleasure of Britain's staunch allies in the War on Terror.

The terror suspect did not deny terror charges during this time, having cunningly arranged matters so that no terror charges were brought.

The recent terror charges against the terror suspect were dropped when police discovered new evidence behind a sofa, and then put it straight back in case it embarrassed anybody.

However, it is expected that questions will still be raised as to why it was necessary to spend scarce public funds on a public trial when convictions could be obtained much more smoothly with private funds at a private trial.

The terror charges against the terror suspect included going to Syria, possession of a terror laptop, doing terror things with funds, lending out a terror generator, wearing a beard without due care and attention, and having extremist thoughts at the sight of Theresa May.

It is now thought that the terror beard in Syria may have been a different beard.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Keeping Them In Their Place

Britain's Head Boy has pulled off another diplomatic coup. A week after meeting the Iranian president, ostensibly in the hope of gaining Iran's co-operation if not its friendship, Daveybloke has had a bit of a posture in front of the UN general assembly. Since he was in front of a different audience and selling a slightly different product, he felt no particular need to be polite to the Iranians, who probably don't have television or the internet anyway. Daveybloke burbled that Tehran was "part of the problem" in the Great Game, due perhaps to its recent interventions in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya etc., and proclaimed that if Iran behaved itself and helped the Crusaders in their legitimate business, it might earn itself a pat on the head. Apart from Iran's support for terrorist organisations, Daveybloke also criticised its lack of any equivalent for Trident and its treatment of its people, of whom evidently not enough are sufficiently poor. The speech has embarrassed the president whose co-operation Daveybloke was supposedly seeking, and has boosted the more conservative factions in the Iranian government, who for some reason or other are "deeply sceptical of British politics".

Monday, September 29, 2014

Not Terribly Bright

Solar energy could become a major source of electricity within a few decades, despite the efforts of the greenest government ever, according to a foreigner with a funny name. The executive director of the International Energy Agency claimed that the cost of solar energy systems has decreased markedly in the past few years; it is as yet unclear whether the greenest government ever will be making a formal complaint over this deliberate and malicious attempt to undermine the market effectiveness of nuclear, shale-fracking and poisoning the Niger delta. Still, the executive director of the International Energy Agency did give the greenest government ever its due with her observation that the solar energy market would most likely be led by the Heathen Chinee, followed by the United States, Africa, India, the Middle East and just about everywhere but Britain.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Weapon-Selling Wog-Bombers For Pluralistic Inclusiveness

Britain's Head Boy has been having a bit of a burble about his comprehensive strategy for democratising the Middle East through wog-bombing. Apparently it would be awfully jolly for the success of the said strategy if the wog-bombing could be extended to Syria. One cannot bomb wogs effectively if the wogs keep on running away and turning themselves into illegal immigrants; self-evidently, one must simply keep dropping things on places until the nonsense stops. The ultimate outcome, as so many times before, will be "an Iraq that has a democratic, inclusive government for everyone", possibly modelled on Daveybloke's own democratic, inclusive government which earned such an impressive mandate in 2010 and has done so much for our own social cohesion ever since; "and, in time, Syria needs exactly the same thing." However, that time is not now and it's all Labour's fault.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Once More

Once more unto the great jihad!
Let us make good, and kill the bad.
Our peril's great, our choices short:
We must bomb wogs, or else do nought.

Our aims are clear, our purpose pure;
The situation's not obscure,
Because the facts upon the ground
Are those we made last time around.

By clash of arms, in battle famed,
The honour of our tribe's proclaimed;
And we shall have a quiet laugh
In six weeks, at the Cenotaph.

Bucky Banger

Friday, September 26, 2014

Home Rule

Not content with having vanquished Michael Gove, the mad old cat lady at the Home Office has chosen the day of the latest debate on wog-bombing to issue a new pronunciamento on the Passport Office. The proclamation intimates that things have not been going terribly well at the agency, where the coalition imposed one of its trademark non-top-down, non-chaotic reorganisations last year, and where passport consumers have been plagued with delays ever since. Part of the pretext for the reorganisation was national security, so naturally the Passport Office relaxed its security checks in order to speed things up. At this point it became apparent even to Daveybloke's mad old cat lady that all was not entirely tickety-boo, and she has now decided to rule the agency by decree until it can be sold off to a private company the next time the Chancellor needs help with his sums or, as with the probation service, just for the pure giddy hell of it. Then as now, Daveybloke's mad old cat lady will doubtless hope to bask in the reflected collateral damage.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Let Us Therefore Brace Ourselves to our Duty

Translated from the Journalese by Philip Challinor and a traitor

RAF Tornado jets are expected to recommence wog-bombing in Iraq within hours of a vote by the expenses-claiming community to permit Britain's Head Boy a bit of party conference rah-rah.

The Ministry for War and the Colonies is planning for an operation that will last until at least the next general election as part of a US-led coalition that includes the French, the liberal press and some Decent Fundamentalists from Osama bin Laden country.

A ministerial spokesbeing cautioned that there would not be a massive set of explosions similar to those that marked the telegenic 2003 crusade, when the night sky was lit up with burning Iraqis.

“It will not be shock and awe,” the spokesbeing said. “This will be a much more fluid operation, involving surgical strikes and minimal civilian casualties, which has never been thought of before because of the mess made by the last Labour administration.”

Jets, special forces and other exciting toys have been deployed to the region, primarily to help identify targets. So far, not many targets have been identified.

The shortage of targets is compounded by the results of the previous major wog-bombing in Iraq, when the War Against Terror relieved the troubled nation of its ministry buildings and television stations.

Some RAF targets will be predetermined but others will be chosen on an ad hoc, opportunistic basis when something moves or looks at the pilot in a funny way.

The US and its clients are depending on the Iraqi army, the Kurds and some Decent Syrians to defeat the enemy on the ground. The Iraqi army was trained by the US, much like the Army of South Vietnam, the contras, al-Qaida etc.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

To Portray is to Participate

"Censors tend to do what psychotics do. They confuse reality with illusion."
David Cronenberg

An exhibition at the Barbican, depicting slavery as a degrading, humiliating and racist institution, has been cancelled because campaigners objected to the degrading, humiliating and racially charged nature of its images. The exhibition consists of a dozen tableaux depicting "settings drawn from real life" in the good old days when everyone knew their place, or at least could be duly informed of it (perhaps via castration) without provoking a lot of liberal fuss. A former equalities and human rights commissioner said that "having people objectified in this humiliating way was always going to cause a fierce reaction"; a statement whose categorical wrongness the exhibition was designed to show. As so often with the morally righteous, a disturbing depiction is as culpable as a hateful act. Certainly, thanks to some loud voices on one side and some weak knees on the other, the depiction is easier to prevent.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

At Last, A Possible Solution

Britain's Head Boy has hopes of livening up next week's rah-rah in Birmingham with a bit of wog-bombing, which always does so much to keep the peace in the Conservative Party. Daveybloke has taken the precaution of buttering up the Milibeing, and Labour's business spokesbeing has expressed cautious enthusiasm. Labour's spokesbeing for international development, Jim Murphy, blathered happily about America's attempts "to stop the humanitarian slaughter" and proclaimed, in case anyone doubted it, that "The Labour party is not opposed to trying to save people’s lives", especially when there are so many exciting toys with which to make the attempt.

If all this were not enough to settle the ethical case for yet more death by democratisation, Jack Straw has also conferred his approval. "Last year’s debate was about strikes against the Assad regime," said the Reverend Blair's minister for humanitarian slaughter. "This year’s debate is a very different one - it is about strikes against the enemies of the Assad regime." This reorientation of the moral compass is necessary because the Middle East, despite all our efforts, remains a remarkably changeable place.