The Curmudgeon


Saturday, March 25, 2017

Perfidious Estonia

Is there no gratitude among the Euro-wogs? Barely a week since British military and security prowess arrived to see off the latest Russian invasion of Estonia, the Estonian president has made threatening noises about Britain's right to do as it dashed well pleases with its own hired killers, and has even cast aspersions upon Tin-Pot Tessie's habit of conflating various European institutions with the European Union. It seems that Tin-Pot Tessie's veiled threats to withdraw from European security (and thereby presumably allow Putin an uninterrupted march into Portugal) have touched a nerve among the uppity foreigners. "You don’t mix different subjects and topics," the Estonian president said, thus gratuitously denying the legitimacy of the Europhobes' only real tactic aside from shouting louder. The beastly Balt also ventured to speculate that "at some point Great Britain will miss its place in the room, behind the table," as if Her Majesty's Government's entire strategy did not centre on the demand that Great Britain's leaving the EU should extend only to the obligations of membership and not the privileges.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Native Unrest

Despite India's unfortunate degeneration from British Imperial possession to functioning democracy, it appears that a few encouraging echoes of the Raj still remain. A Hindu nationalist politician apparently booked a business-class seat on an Air India flight, but found himself among the lesser breeds in economy; his complaint escalated into an altercation with the senior flight attendant, whom the MP was at last driven to chastise in the best East India Company fashion, by corporal punishment with an item of footwear. As a result of this enterprising and barnstorming conduct, the MP is now banned from flying with any member of the Federation of Indian Airlines, despite demonstrating a near-Conservative level of reasonability in demanding an apology from Air India. Doubtless our own Imperial Haystack is even now waiting eagerly for his phone to ring so he can mobilise the sepoys in defence of civilisation.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Lapsed Judgement

Among the many reasons the terrorists hate us is, of course, our independent judiciary, which at present consists of the lord chancellor, Liz Truss; the Secretary of State for Profitable Incarceration, Liz Truss; and the Rothermere Daily Stürmer's legal representative in Cabinet, Liz Truss. An enemy of the people has taken rather extreme exception to Truss' recent conduct; possibly because he is a mere expert and therefore doesn't know what he is talking about. The lord chief justice, being the British people's most senior non-migrant adversary, has put out a statement criticising Truss for putting out inaccurate information about new rules for rape victims giving evidence at trials; apparently the Ministry for Profitable Incarceration has been so thoroughly streamlined that its elbows have merged with its arse. The lord chief justice also took Truss to task for her reluctance to criticise the scumbag press squeals against those judges who made the ludicrous claim that a more or less democratically-purchased Government should occasionally be subject to parliamentary scrutiny. As lord chancellor, it was Truss' duty to defend the judges; fortunately, the checks and balances inherent in her role as a Cabinet minister and Dacre-doggie prevented her doing anything that might have harmed her reputation.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

No Britons Hurt

At least thirty-three non-Londoners, many of whom are believed to have been Arabs masquerading as civilians, were today prevented from inconveniencing Westminster thanks to an airstrike by the US-led coalition for British values in Syria. A separate US chastisement of a mosque last Saturday resulted in the removal of at least fifty-two more non-Londoners, none of whom are now expected to end up in Calais, threatening British jobs and thereby causing rumbles of discontent at the Westminster trough. Indeed, today's non-Londoners may have been attempting to shelter from the fighting, thereby leaving themselves open to the charge of being potential refugees. Despite Britain's status as a major supplier of armaments to head-chopping Islamic fundamentalists in the region, significant casualties were apparently minimal.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Uppity Wogs and Underdogs

Survivors of the Mau Mau rebellion in Kenya, who are suing the heirs of Empire 1.0: Decline and Fall over the murder, torture, rape and herding into concentration camps that accompanied Britain's oh-so-civilised process of decolonisation, have accused Her Majesty's Government of burying bad news, and even of saying the thing that was not. As might be expected from a department under the nominal control of the Imperial Haystack, the Ministry for Wogs, Piccaninnies and Fuzzy-Wuzzies has responded with the assertion that the Government is above the law and that anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of democracy. Leafing through Hansard and comparing ministerial assertions with mere facts, especially to the detriment of the former, apparently constitutes a breach of parliamentary privilege and a technically punishable offence. The merits of this argument may or may not be signalled by the fact that it was employed only after the Ministry had failed for eight months to persuade the court against proceeding further on the grounds that the Kenya Emergency was a jolly long time ago and thus no longer a reason to administer Jewish-style punishment beatings.

Monday, March 20, 2017

You Are Perfectly Safe and Nothing Can Go Wrong

Having taken back control of our energy industry for the profit of France and the Heathen Chinee, Her Majesty's Government has been forced to brush off a request by some foreigners to delay construction of the blanched radioactive pachyderm at Hinkley Point. In the first ecstasy of its newly-freedomised global reach, the bustling, buccaneering hub of Empire 2.0 had apparently forgotten to consult nearby wogs who might be affected, especially once Her Majesty's Government really gets down to repealing all that health and safety red tape. As a result, the United Nations Economic Commission for Europe has asked the UK to consider delaying further work until Germany, Norway and the Netherlands have given, of all things, their own ideas about whether Britain owes them a formal notification in the event of a corporate indiscretion; and this in spite of the fact that the UK has already assessed the risk and decreed that no significant accident can possibly happen, ever, because we are British. What further reassurance could any lesser breed possibly require?

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Nobody Speaks Up

Anyone wondering how we got like this could do worse than observe, if they can bear it, the quality of our elder statesmen. The Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair descends every so often to sermonise, or to announce a new foundation through which to cleanse the fruits of his avarice; Gordon Brown sulks, pronounces and sulks again; and the interregnum which nominally led the Conservative Party through the last seven years of the Thatcher régime remains very considerably concerned to be taken seriously by somebody, anybody, anything at all, even a pot plant, oh yes. One of the present perfect storm's few silver linings is that the elevation of Liam Fox, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson unto the political empyrean is more than likely to be pre-empted by the demise of the state itself.

The interregnum, whose messy, directionless government foreshadowed the corruption of Blair, the futility of Brown, the hypocrisy of Cameron and the ineptitude of May, has been disapproving of loudmouth Europhobes who shout down anyone who opposes them. When such ill-mannered behaviour "comes from politicians, including those from within the governing party, it is time to confront it", which the interregnum proceeded to do by not naming any names in case the culprits felt too confronted. The interregnum did, however, pronounce the ultimate anathema by labelling the miscreants "un-British", thereby asserting that anti-democratic thuggery is a Bad Thing because it's unworthy of the master race. Twenty years out of office and twenty-five out of power have clearly done nothing to diminish the interregnum's genius for incoherence.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

NATO Threatened Again

Fury at aggression horror

British troops have arrived in Estonia as part of a major NATO mission in the Baltic states to deter Russian aggression.

Russia has a long history of aggression against NATO members, beginning with its notorious invasion of France in 1812, at a time when the relationship between Britain and its US ally was slightly less special than usual.

Forty years later, Russia's aggressive attempt to invade Britain through Turkey led to the Crimean War, foreshadowing present troubles in the region.

In 1945, just as the Second World War was being won by Sir Winston Boris de Pfeffel Churchill and a few Americans, Soviet Russia launched an unprovoked attack on Berlin which drew an iron curtain across the continent and precipitated such evils as the Cold War and the European Union.

Russia's aggression towards NATO even extended to the 1979 invasion of Afghanistan, where British and Estonian troops have recently worked together in the interests of the peace that has been blossoming in the country since 2001.

Further threats to NATO emerged in the 1990s, with the collapse of the Soviet empire and increasingly blatant Russian attempts to keep NATO away from its borders, despite consistent NATO tolerance of Russia's presence inside its ring of military bases.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Failing Standards

Rah rah! Watch me simper and smirk!
I've found such a wizard new perk!
And won't it be funny
When I count my money
As little chaps do all the work!

The post-fact purveyors will see
A Press ever more wild and free!
And won't it be great
For reporters to wait
On a sniggering schoolboy like me!

The standards of truth have come far,
To make me their glistening star!
And won't it be nice
When I triple the price
And miss all my deadlines, rah rah!

Gideon Fatwick

Thursday, March 16, 2017


Among the many acknowledged Great Things about the monarchy, of course, is its constitutional role as a check on the despotic and potentially nation-splitting tendencies of corrupt and authoritarian governments which, having bought their way into power and manipulated the electorate with dishonest plebiscites, might then set about dismantling the democratic safeguards of the state while attacking the most vulnerable and disadvantaged of Her Majesty's beloved subjects. It was doubtless with such solemn responsibilities uppermost in mind that a certain tax-dodger from a migrant family, for whose domestic refurbishments the taxpayer has just been ordered to finance a sixty-six per cent pay rise, today signed into law the bill authorising Tin-Pot Tessie to invoke Article 50 and begin the process of informing the Euro-wogs what they're going to give us. The announcement was greeted in the House of Expenses Claimants by the usual grunts and squeals of dignified approbation from those benches being warmed and moistened by the governmental wing of the Farage Falange. Makes you proud.