The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Evidential Managerialism

Well, here's a thing: a Deputy Conservative in the House of Donors has proclaimed that his party's coalition masters tried to distort the findings of a Whitehall investigation and delay publishing the report. The subject of the investigation was the powers of the European Union: a topic on which the Real Conservatives have a long and fragrant history of truth-telling allied to cool rationality. In this case, the evidence of backstabbing Putinites such as the Chamber of Commerce, the CBI and the Japanese government was decisively against the Conservative-UKIP policy of withdrawing from the EU and turning the country into an off-shore tax haven. Accordingly, special advisers to the mad old cat lady at the Home Office did their best to excise these lunatic ramblings in favour of quotations from respected national organisations such as Migration Watch, whose view of the world is more in line with the faith-based policies favoured by the Conservatives and, until a month or two ago, by their Deputy Conservative enablers.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Natural Health and Beauty

Michael Gove, the chief whip of the Pricks and Schoolboys Club, has ruled out getting into bed with Nigel Farage on the grounds that such an encounter would fail to meet rigorous new standards for cheap and sordid power transactions. Gove said he would be "perfectly civil with any Member of Parliament" except possibly the Speaker of the House of Commons, but predicted that the Farage Falange would emerge from the election insufficiently rampant to merit inclusion in any official far-right circle jerk. The Conservatives are known to have had several quick and nasty knee-tremblers with the Farage Falange in stationery cupboards, and Labour are thought to have tentatively touched its bum at the office Christmas bash, but neither main party will admit to going steady or exchanging bodily fluids. A spokesbeing said that getting into bed would be a relic of the "free and easy, 1960s Stalinism of the last Labour government", and that future relations would have to be negotiated on uncarpeted floors in cold rooms over the faces of hard-working families.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Feline Fiction

David O'Brien, an occasional commenter and long-term lurker in good standing on the present weblog, has used my latest novella's review space to post some very generous remarks about my fiction in general. Although some of his comments will undoubtedly prove controversial in the cat community, I'm very grateful to David for his time, his trouble and his kind words.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

They Really Don't Deserve Us

Next month sees the centenary of that glorious day in the Great War when the Kingdom of Italy, the Nick Clegg of the Triple Alliance, finally pitched in with Team Good Guys and declared war on its erstwhile ally Austria-Hungary. It is as yet unclear what celebrations are planned; possibly because of some lasting reservations about Italian moral fibre. Only this week, for example, nearly five hundred British jobs have been saved in the Mediterranean; yet the Italian navy persists in perpetuating the unintended pull factor which invariably results when brown people are not properly incentivised with buccaneering British pluck. The British Government, of course, contributed enormously to rescue operations in the Mediterranean by wog-bombing Libya and thoroughly demoting the Reverend Tony's chum Colonel Gaddafi so that the Big Society could take over. Unfortunately, it appears that too many natives still lack the entrepreneurial gumption to prefer their new, free and happy lives to the risk of death by drowning.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

No Sign of Nick

I am in receipt of a rather sad piece of electioneering from a Deputy Conservative councillor, Jonathan Davies, who is running for Parliament in Finchley and Golders Green despite lacking the advantages of incumbency, a defensible record or a party with any remaining purpose other than to hang onto its leadership's little red boxes.

Predictably enough, the leaflet reads like part of a local campaign with a few national references thrown in, apparently on the assumption that even someone innocent enough to vote Liberal Democrat this year will be vaguely aware that the election is a general one. Equally predictably, there is no hint of the grand visions of 2010: the Deputy Conservatives have no further intention of changing the terms of debate on Europe or immigration, and their commitment to electoral reform is now about as detectable as that of the Real Conservatives and the Wannabe Conservatives.

There is a page of "guarantees" - tax cuts, pension rises, protection for the NHS and schools budget, and continued commitment to "balancing the books" - which are entirely indistinguishable from the anodyne guff being peddled by the two main branches of the British Neoliberal Party. There is a section of white-on-black text where Jonathan Davies names three Real Conservative policies which were blocked by the Liberal Democrats, in between supporting such minor peccadilloes as Twizzler Lansley's anti-NHS bill, Graybeing's vandalism of the justice system, and the Spare Room Subsidy Withdrawal. "Without the Liberal Democrats to stop them, the Tories would have cut public services deeper and faster, making the poorest bear the heaviest burden," proclaims Jonathan Davies; who, like the sitting expenses claimant, somehow fails to make clear his pride in the local food bank which has done so much extra business while his party has been giving heart to the Conservatives.

Most touching of all is the part in which Jonathan Davies drums up quotes from supportive locals. The equivalent section on the Labour candidate's leaflet is headed "Why we are backing Sarah Sackman" and includes four blurbs from four different people: an academic, a school governor, an actor and a student. Jonathan Davies has managed to find one single person who will admit to backing him and even campaigning alongside him. That person is another Deputy Conservative councillor.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Hussein Obama is No Jack Kennedy

Fury at appeasement horror

US citizens may soon receive official permission not to be terrified of Cuba, as President Obama has indicated his intention to normalise relations.

Cuba has been a source of terror to Americans since 1959, when the Castro régime overthrew the island's fragile democracy and imposed a functioning national health service on its unhappy citizens.

In 1962 the Soviets stationed nuclear missiles on the island, bringing the world to the brink of destruction through their failure to realise that only the Americans are allowed to point missiles at people.

The US responded with the purely defensive Bay of Pigs invasion which took place the previous year and ended in one of America's most glorious victories prior to the advent of George W Bush.

Since the end of the Cold War the régime has been largely downgraded from its long-standing Ultimate Evil rating, and Obama's initiative to normalise relations could mean an official classification of Populist before the decade is out.

The island will also be exonerated from mention in any future remakes of the film Red Dawn, sources said today.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Who Would Jesus Damn?

Despite the glittering example of the Reverend Blair, an international survey has found the UK one of the least religious countries in the world, being more pious only than the Dutch, Swedes, Czechs, Japanese, the people of Hong Kong and the Heathen Chinee. Although only thirteen per cent of Britons said they were atheists, a further forty per cent said they were not religious but didn't know how to define themselves; which presumably accounts for the agnostics, the vaguely-spirituals and most of the Anglicans.

Meanwhile, with exquisite timing, the Catholic newspaper The Tablet has chosen to celebrate its hundred and seventy-fifth year of uninterrupted publication by throwing open its archives and exposing the depths of brotherly love that Britons could attain when religion was more prominent in public life. In 1842 a priest was denied access to the death-bed of a servant girl, whose employer abused him as a Satanist and an idolater. Many working-class Catholics were denied employment by Protestant families, and according to one writer, "One was told … as to the Catholic Chapel, she must not even look towards it." The Member of Parliament for Lambeth in 1846 felt obliged to inform all the daily papers that his family had converted to Catholicism; in fact there was a Popish apostate in the nest, which pained the Christian gentleman deeply, but the rest of the family remained staunch Protestants. Protestant or Popish, rich or idle, they are all equal now, and were all duly rewarded when the sky-daddy permitted the country to fall into its present secular Gehenna.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Basically Human

Having played the Red Peril card, the Weak Geek card, and last week, in desperation, the Sex Beast card and the Dolchstoßlegende, the Real Conservatives are now reduced to trying things that once worked against Gordon Brown. Valiantly attempting to broaden his party's appeal among the common folk, the Chancellor has announced that the next Conservative administration will remove inheritance tax from family homes worth less than a million pounds. This will support the "basic human instinct", shared by all hard-working families and the Bullingdon Club, of viewing parents primarily as people who leave you something when they die. The proles of Generation Rent, and those who have been kicked out of their houses because of the Spare Room Subsidy Withdrawal, are self-evidently lacking in such finer feelings, and therefore deserve no better than the tender mercies of their landlords and the latest reboot of the Big Society thingy.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Very Delicate

Rumour has it that, after a few supposedly conciliatory words from Pope Francis, the Vatican is slipping back into its comfort zone with regard to the objectively disordered. There has been some delay in approving the new French ambassador to Mussolini's joke state, which has prompted speculation that the candidate will be rejected because he is gay. Since Vatican citizenship is confined to celibate males who share a highly disapproving invisible friend, the presence of a homosexual would necessarily result in extreme spiritual peril. The Pope himself has implied that he is not one to judge others; which of course is far from implying that Christ's beloved enemies should not instead be condemned, ostracised, anathematised and, with all due humility, handed over to the secular arm.

Friday, April 10, 2015

A Dubious Record

Surprisingly enough given the achievements of the greenest government ever, the pollutive particle known as Matthew Hancock has been taking money from a climate change denier in the City of London. Neil Record is on the board of the Global Warming Policy Foundation, the crank-tank chaired by Nigel Lawson which regularly tells mere climatology experts where to get off. Record has given Hancock £18,000, including £4000 after the latter succeeded the brilliant Owen Paterson as Minister for Flooding and Fracking; Hancock himself is so brilliant that he needs to be ferried about by private jet in order to protect regular airline passengers from the awesomeness of his presence. For his part, Record blathered that “current popular political choices for carbon reduction (wind; solar in high latitudes) are woefully inefficient and unsustainable (because they require subsidies to exist at all)”; by which brilliant logic the entire banking industry should presumably have been wound up circa 2009. Nevertheless, the payments are purely sentimental; Record has never discussed climate change with Hancock, and their conversations tend to centre around their mutual good old days as Bank of England witch-doctors. It would certainly be remarkable if a City philanthropist were to throw money at a Government minister merely for the sake of influencing policy.