The Curmudgeon


Friday, May 26, 2017

Sometimes the Old Ways are Best

Owing in large part to our staunch allies and customers in the head-chopping House of Saud, an old Victorian chum has returned to give the scroungers and shirkers in Yemen another firm yet fair lesson in the robustness of traditional British values. Thanks to the Saudi intervention and its British hardware, Yemen has all the advantages that make for a buccaneering, have-a-go economy: an infrastructure free of government interference; a water system unshackled by regulatory red tape; medical staff whose workloads and salaries are balanced to benefit everyone, provided one takes into account those necessary and appropriate adjustments which must be made according to how much a particular customer really matters. As a result, there is a cholera epidemic: just the thing to weed out the weakling metropolitan élites and leave a cleaner, stronger and more stable nation in its wake.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Entrepreneurial Buccaneering

An encouraging degree of progress appears to have taken place in our still nominally unaccomplished mission of redeeming Libya through British values. Despite the blind persistence of the swarming hordes, jobs continue to be saved for British workers in the Mediterranean; not least by armed Libyan coastguards who have been trained in human rights by the Royal Navy and who have taken up the suggestion by elements of our free and cantankerous press that refugees should be subject to discouragement of the projectile variety. A rescue ship run by the non-British SOS Méditerranée and Médecins Sans Frontières recorded armed coastguards pointing guns and opening fire to intimidate migrants on their continental invasion craft, and boarding one vessel with the apparent objective of taking the occupants' phones and cash into more legitimate ownership. Certain self-styled humanitarian organisations seem to think the coastguards can live solely on these inevitably slender pickings, and have suggested that Britain and the EU should withdraw their support. A spokesbeing for the Ministry of Wog-Bombing expressed awareness of the incident, adding: "We take all allegations of human rights abuses very seriously, and take them into consideration for any support we provide overseas," as the people of Yemen, among others, have recently had occasion to find out.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The Better Part of Vassalage

Perfidious Euro-wogs are attempting to undermine the special relationship between Global Britain and its bestest global ally by contradicting the Trumpster's declared opinion that climate change is a hoax by the Heathen Chinee. Faced with an embarrassing situation, Tin-Pot Tessie appears to have taken the British way out and said nothing at all, thereby showing up the New-Risen Empire of England, Wales and the Falkland Islands as slightly less assertive in its own self-interest than the head oligarch in Mussolini's city-state of theocratic sex pests. It's possible that the dead-eyed warden's discretion was an attempt to appease the Trumpster into some sort of reciprocal discretion on matters of national security and ongoing criminal investigations; or it may be that the woman who abolished the Department for Energy and Climate Change, and made the gormless Andrea Leadsom minister for the environment, was simply acting in the spirit of the new, independent, sovereign, buccaneering Britain, and falling meekly into line with her CEO.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Helping the Terrorists Win

Liberal metropolitan élitists have once more resorted to bullying and intimidation in the face of genuine patriotism. The English Defence League, despite being only recently recovered from the trauma of being smiled at by a nice young lady in Birmingham, assembled a small rabble in Manchester to show that today's atrocity was All About Them, but were outnumbered and even sharply addressed by indignant locals tainted with the virus of multiculturalism. Instead of calling for concentration camps like Allison Pearson of the Barclaygraph, or demanding a Final Solution like Katie Hopkins, or even blaming Jeremy Corbyn like the Hillsborough Truth-Teller, Mancunians seem to be pulling together and trying to help each other through the catastrophe while leaving the burden of witch-hunting and scapegoating to less trivial-minded citizens. Even the medical personnel, despite all the fragrant little hints which have been dropped on them from a great height over the past few years, were reported to be working overtime, without sparing a single thought as to whether or not any particular injury-treatment consumer might constitute good business.

Monday, May 22, 2017

We Did Not Fight In Vain

The United Nations high commissioner for refugees has professed himself shocked at the British values on display in Libya's arrangements for wog warehousing. No squeals of outrage have yet been forthcoming from the British Conservative Party at this blatant breach of sovereignty; possibly because they're all too busy trying to find out which manifesto pledges are looking a bit Nick Clegg, or possibly because the UN high commissioner for refugees does not happen to be a foreigner of dusky female persuasion. Anyway, it appears that harsh conditions are being gratuitously imposed upon the swarming hordes which have materialised in order to take advantage of the flexible passport situation and the buccaneering boat-hire. These entrepreneurial conditions have apparently come about thanks to a civil war which somehow broke out in Libya during 2011, coincidentally preceded by a wog-bombing campaign in which the British Conservative Party joined with such enthusiasm that the diplomatic editor of Britain's leading liberal newspaper has nothing whatever to say about it.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Cleaning Cycles

Given the undisputed and inalienable status of Global Britain as global leader in the fight against climate change (a status perhaps best epitomised by the image of the late Head Boy having himself photographed cycling to the day job with a limousine in tow), to say nothing of the toxic levels of urban pollution achieved by the greenest government ever, it will come as no surprise to find that the most radical and innovative strategies for cleaning up the air are being considered by the Heathen Chinee. As mayor of London, our own Imperial Haystack pioneered a bicycle rental programme which served mainly as an advertisement for Barclays Bank; a Euro-wog designer has now perverted the concept into a scheme to make innocent bicycle users clean up the air as they ride. This stands in stark contrast to the sane and sensible measures employed by Her Majesty's Government and soon to be subject to approval by Donald Trump.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Humanitarian Intervention

Aside from the usual suspects - saboteurs, citizens of nowhere, wog-marrying race traitors and the like - nobody could accuse Her Majesty's Government of an unbalanced approach to legislation. No new attack on the poor takes place without a corresponding kick at the crippled; every cut to public services or environmental protection has its compensatory subsidy for polluters and tax-dodgers. It should come as no surprise, then, that the Government has taken equal care with its new vaping regulations, which make it harder for smokers to switch and thereby ensure that the cigarette industry will not be unduly inconvenienced by the plain-packaging law. The vaping industry is less than ten years old, but has already begun intruding upon the markets of its elders and betters in the carcinogenic profitability club; self-evidently, like the solar industry at a similar stage of development, the young bounder needs taking down a peg or two. Equally self-evidently, it would be imprudent to rely on the free market to administer the rebuke; no strong or stable government can afford to stand by and allow some Stalinist purge of the business community to take place in the name of mere public health.

Friday, May 19, 2017

It Isn't Racism, It's Common Sense

Traitors and saboteurs continue to muddy the pristine waters of British electoral politics. The parliamentary wing of UKIP has committed itself once again to Tin-Pot Tessie's much-failed target of reducing immigration to a few tens of thousands of wealthy people, and getting rid of all the nasty bureaucracy associated with fee-paying students, tax-paying spouses and the like; to say noting of all the medically-inclined wogs who have been causing so much trouble in the NHS. Nevertheless, mere research backed by a conspiracy of renegade employers purports to demonstrate that annual net migration of two hundred thousand will be needed to keep the country from a possible decade of near-Osbornomic depression. Fortunately, the blithering prima donna in charge of Brexit has had the foresight to proclaim that the health of the economy depends on the Euro-wogs falling into line; which means that even as the country is cleansed of nurses, plumbers and people who refuse to speak English on the bus, there will still be a plentiful supply of foreigners to blame.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

The Company He Keeps

However little the Trumpster may scruple at being associated with neo-Nazi lunatics or being seen having his tiny orange pawlets held by Mad Tessie May, it appears that he does retain a few scraps of pride. The Trumpster is scheduled to be bundled off on a tour of the Middle East, which may bear results very nearly as constructive as the Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair's appointment as peace envoy. Among the Trumpster's hosts will be the Islamic fundamentalist head-choppers of the House of Saud, whose régime is notable, among other peccadilloes, for breeding most of the 9/11 attackers and perpetrating a humanitarian catastrophe in Yemen. The Trumpster will then proceed to Israel, the terrorist state par excellence from its very foundation. It is therefore only natural that the Trumpster's handlers should be objecting vociferously to the planned presence at Riyadh of the Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir. Unlike the head-chopping House of Saud, the state of Sudan is on the World Cop's little list of terrorist sponsors; and Bashir, being an African, is wanted for war crimes by the International Criminal Court.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

How to Impress the Natives

Tin-Pot Tessie's joke foreign secretary has been headline-hunting again, with a journalist-grabbing blather about exporting whisky to India. The Imperial Haystack made his latest contribution to international statesmanship in a Sikh temple in Bristol, though it remains as yet unclear whether the Conservatives regard Bristol in toto as foreign territory, or only that part of its population that wears an orange turban. In any case, the Imperial Haystack apologised for the fact that anyone had taken offence, lectured the Sikhs on alcohol consumption among Sikhs, and duly got his column-space without any mention of the three hundred and fifty million reasons why he ought to lose his seat. A spokesbeing was later extruded to claim that the natives had been jolly impressed, and certainly it seems that the Imperial Haystack was able to refrain from informing the assembly about the more rah-rah aspects of the Amritsar Massacre; which must, in the present context, be accounted a triumph of sorts.