The Curmudgeon


Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Let Sleeping Wogs Lie

Britain is under no obligation to investigate a possible mass murder by its colonial troops because it was all a long time ago, the Supreme Court has ruled. Members of the Scots Guards shot twenty-four unarmed men to death in 1948, during the twelve-year war on terror known in Whitehall as the Malayan Emergency; and, British values being what they are, no government since has bothered with even the token measures to find a scapegoat which would be de rigueur today. An investigation by the Metropolitan Police found evidence which, according to the president of the Supreme Court, "appears to have been compelling and suggests that the killings were unlawful"; that investigation was terminated in 1970, doubtless for the most honourable and democratic of reasons. The Supreme Court has ruled that the duty to investigate dates back only to 1966, when the Euro-wogs introduced another bit of sovereignty-scuppering red tape. Of course it doesn't matter about the Malayans, whose Emergency has vanished, just as effectively as the Kikuyu rebellion in Kenya, from Britain's noble history of stout chaps doing jolly things; but various parties have taken an interest in the case because of the possible consequences for inquiries into Northern Ireland, some of whose inhabitants are very nearly proper white people.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

A Light Fairly Close to the End of the Chunnel

Fury at blaze horror

Eighteen jobs have been saved in a fire at a wog disposal centre in Algeria.

Thanksgiving among the international community is likely to be brief, owing to the apparent lack of photogenic infantine resources among the warmth-related detrimentations.

The blaze arose from a short circuit which triggered the explosion of a heater. Native authorities have declined to comment on the availability of heaters in sub-Saharan Africa while hard-working British families are at risk of fuel poverty.

Algeria has become a favoured destinaton for North African benefit tourists since Libya's failure to take proper advantage of its 2011 liberation by David Cameron and a few of his chums.

A projected wog-bombing in Syria, which may turn out to be almost equally well-planned, is expected to have better results because somebody ought to do something.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Defending Our Values

Well, here's a thing: Britain's chums in Bahrain are torturing people despite Britain being frightfully concerned about it. So concerned is the empty suit at the Ministry for Wogs, Frogs and Huns that it has refused to meet with opponents of the régime, so as to avoid compromising Britain's efforts to promote democracy. The country of Cressida Dick and Mad Tessie May is throwing money at Bahrain for "security service reform", so Bahrain's security services are, by definition, being reformed. Detainees have complained of "being subjected to electric shocks; suspension in painful positions, including by their wrists; forced standing; extreme cold and sexual abuse"; but such is the closeness of Britain's co-operation with Bahrain that it is not even clear whether MI6 officers were present, as with the CIA, to make sure things didn't get out of hand.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Still, Small Voice of CofE plc

Three leading cinema chains are refusing to show a commercial for a Church of England website, JustPray UK, on the catch-all grounds that somebody might take offence. Since the only spoken words in the advert are those of the Lord's Prayer - grovel grovel; gimme gimme; grovel grovel - it is difficult to see what problems a god-botherer of any persuasion might have with it; while to the godless, of course, the entire sacrament and its "Prayer is for everyone" punchline constitute merely one more minute of corporate dross to be sat through before the main two hours of corporate dross. The feature in this case would have been the new Star Wars, "a multi-generational cultural event" according to the Church of England's director of communications, who also seems to think that mouthing words in "pop songs ... daily assemblies and national commemorations" bears some sort of resemblance to a spiritual exercise.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Churchill's Heirs

Ever since the Bullingdons and their Liberal Democrat appeasers went to war on public spending in 2010, the efficiency savings have been coming back to bite people on the behind. Sometimes the savings are in accordance with the prevailing religious doctrine and the victims unimportant, as with the cuts to nursing staff. Sometimes, however, the savings will result in one of those ineffable paradoxes which are so characteristic of the market's mysterious ways, as when refusing to spend money on a thing leads to a lack of that very same thing. Such is the odd situation with Britain's reconnaissance aircraft, which were scrapped in 2010 by the people who are now squealing about the danger to national security posed by left-wing pacifists. Still, the ability to learn from one's mistakes is a mark of true statesmanship, and the repair of this particular error has taken a mere five years and the generous co-operation of the Russian air force. At this rate, it is just about conceivable that in a decade or two Whitehall may begin to suspect that when it comes to buying aircraft carriers it's usually best to take into account your own plans for buying aircraft; and not too many years after mid-century the penny might even drop that nuclear weapons don't make much of a deterrent for suicide bombers.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Not Enough Coppers to Rub Together

Left-wing militant deficit deniers have infiltrated Britain's police forces to such an extent that senior officers are writing scaremongering letters to Mad Tessie May about the possibiities of a terrorist attack. Forty thousand police workers have already been efficiency-saved, but such is the laziness and inertia of the crime-fighting blob that the prospect of further re-organisation is causing panic in the upper ranks. Even the introduction of common-sense measures like the power to snoop on everyone's internet use and the fine for pleading not guilty has not freed the police chiefs from the rigidity of their thinking, which dictates that in order for things to get done, people have to be paid to do them. And we've got Trident and the prospect of more wog-bombing, too. What on earth are they worried about?

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Tessie's Big Clearout

Britain has ordered Nigeria, as a former colony and therefore a significant cultural debtor to British values, to take back an estimated twenty-nine thousand unauthorised wogs who are living in Britain and interfering with Conservative plans to take back the UKIP vote. The minions of Mad Tessie May gave the Nigerian vice-president his instructions last month, after the Home Office signalled its intentions by booting out dozens of Nigerian care workers, since heaven knows there's no shortage of those. Nevertheless, the Nigerian government seems to be dragging its feet, and even seems to think that Mad Tessie May and her minions have the slightest interest in how long each particular unauthorised wog may have spent here. No doubt this lazy, sit-in-the-sun attitude is what has led so many unauthorised wogs to believe they can get away with working and paying taxes in Britain without heeding the examples of Lord Ashcroft and Rupert Murdoch, and making genuine contributions to our way of life.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Securing the Future for Somebody or Other

The Bullingdons' hapless token filly at the Department for Energising Climate Change has a delicate balancing act to perform between energy security, affordability and climate change; and when a token filly learns delicacy from the Bullingdons, of course, she learns it from the best. Under orders from the Chancellor, Amber Rudd has announced that she will protect our energy security by handing it to Gazprom and the Heathen Chinee; that affordability will be assured subject to the requirements of the fracking companies; and that keeping the planet habitable will just have to wait until rich people start getting their feet wet. The Government has no particular problem with phasing out coal-burning power stations, because most Conservatives are still vaguely aware that coal has something to do with miners and Arthur Scargill; but the need to do more with less has naturally led Rudd to abandon such unreliable and non-sustainable energy sources as wind, water and solar, and to concentrate on those that provide a decent post-parliamentary career for ex-ministers whose qualifications consist mainly in being as honest as Nick Clegg and as intelligent as Owen Paterson. Still, credit where it's due: she has found a way to recycle Ed Davey, her department's former Deputy Conservative doormat, by blaming him for the muesli-chugging profligacy of the previous Conservative government.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Cyber Phish

Date: 17 November 2015 15:30 Luncheon Extended Time
Subject: gotcha!!!!1!!!

Daer Isil or ISiS Terrorrits

i am George i am hradworking UK Chancerlor of UK Exchequer adn honororory Wogbomber by Appontiment to dave who is Teh New Winsnot CHurchill who defeattd Adolf Hlitler's Russia in WWWII whit teh hlep of a few Americans rah rah i am George Obsborne i Do nottttttake illlllllegal Durgs Durgs Dugs Drugs i dno t take Durgs.

I am Warming youy notto to cyber atttack our graet conununtry wiht yuor fiendish Cyber atttack. we are ale arble barble able to hit back butt but i wlil nott ttel yuo HOW because i amm Sutble that way. We reverse the Rigghht to repspondd to Cybnerattttack in ANY WyaaY wya way taht we chose HA HA HA i am Gorge obs borne i dnont teak durg

drug we knwow all about Infromatopm technonology in brittain we have Iaain Duncansmith and Un1vers@l Cr£d!t on oour side

rah rah

all best to Knig Salmon


Monday, November 16, 2015

Giving Something Back

Every healthcare professional worthy of the name will rejoice that the Twizzler Lansley gravy train shows no sign of jumping the rails. The Twizzler has taken on three more private sector posts, in addition to those he already holds; which just shows the purity of the ministerial work ethic as compared to those five-day-a-week junior doctors. One of Lansley's little jobs will be giving advice on "pharmaceutical supply and pricing issues in Europe" to the cancer profiteers Roche; another of Lansley's little jobs will be giving advice to the chair and executive director of UKActive, an organisation which works with anyone who has a role to play in getting "more people, more active, more often", such as Coca-Cola. It is certainly true that Coca-Cola has about as much genuine interest in public health as Twizzler Lansley. All of Lansley's new employers have very sensibly determined to make the best possible use of the Twizzler's record in government and his personal charm, and have thus forbidden him to lobby on their behalf.