Saturday, July 11, 2009
Where Moth and Rust Doth Corrupt
The moral backbone of our nation, which has done such marvellous work protecting us from gay bishops and Wintervalism, is once again faced with a hard choice between God and Mammon. As one would expect given the Church of England's searingly honest claim that 72% of the population are Christians, the Church of England is so worried about the decline in membership that it is considering a reintroduction of the tithe in order to keep Mammon propitiated. A report by the diocese of Bradford recommends that priests emphasise the value of generosity to the right sort of people, and then ask churchgoers to contribute five per cent of their income directly to the church, and another five per cent to "other charities (sic) and mission organisations", so that the commandment at Matthew 6 xxxi-xxxiv may be obeyed in the customary Christian manner. Doubtless aware of the fall in the value of the Church's investment portfolio, the Bishop of Ripon and Leeds notes in a foreword to the report that "A time of recession is also a time of opportunity. We need to reflect on how we can support those in our own society and throughout the world who have been savagely damaged by the credit crunch" by getting more money out of them.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Fast Breeder Reaction
A disturbingly large number of Britain's women are still too stupid to realise the financial advantages of childlessness, according to a report by the Fawcett Society. "It is critical that those mothers who choose or need to be in paid work should be able to do so without suffering a pay penalty," said the Society's director, Katherine Rake. In a world of diminishing resources and increased overcrowding, it might be cheaper and more prudent to ensure that men who choose or need to spread their genetic inheritance around suffer an equivalent pay penalty to that inflicted on spawning females; but this view of things does not appear to have occurred to the Fawcett Society. Instead, the report makes a denigrating comparison of Britishness with five sorts of foreignness - a blatant example of failing to compare like with like - and agitates for patent impossibilities like longer parental leave entitlements and interference with market forces in the interests of "affordable childcare".
Thursday, July 09, 2009
It's How You Play the Game
The seventh significant demise in Afghanistan this week had ambitions to compete in the 2012 Olympics, a fact which has prompted Britain's leading liberal newspaper to indulge in one of its all-too-frequent bouts of reality soap opera. Trooper Christopher Whiteside was "a talented swordsman who had hoped to begin training for a possible place in the British fencing team on his return from Afghanistan", rather than in the security forces who will no doubt be making the Olympic village and its unfortunate environs bomb-proof, gun-proof, nuke-proof, bioweapon-proof and protest-proof by mugging everyone in the vicinity who isn't voluntarily carrying an ID card. Whiteside had been taking part in Operation Panchai Palang ("panther's claw"), a name presumably designed to impress any remaining Decent Afghanis with the awesome nobility of our intentions. As long as it is strictly necessary to be collaterally detrimented in a military operation named after a B-movie native expendable, I suppose it may be marginally less annoying if the detrimentors are courteous enough to translate.
The Secretary for War and the Colonies expressed his deep sense of personal loss at the death of Trooper Whiteside, whom he appears to have known rather well: "He was a courageous soldier who fought back from injury to rejoin the army, and it is clear his fitness, determination and sense of humour were hugely admired by both his comrades and his commanders," he said. "Their thoughts, and mine, are with his grieving family at this difficult time." The other six soldiers killed in Afghanistan since the beginning of the month include a lieutenant-colonel and five others whose lack of rank or Olympic ambition renders them unworthy of any but the most cursory attention.
The Secretary for War and the Colonies expressed his deep sense of personal loss at the death of Trooper Whiteside, whom he appears to have known rather well: "He was a courageous soldier who fought back from injury to rejoin the army, and it is clear his fitness, determination and sense of humour were hugely admired by both his comrades and his commanders," he said. "Their thoughts, and mine, are with his grieving family at this difficult time." The other six soldiers killed in Afghanistan since the beginning of the month include a lieutenant-colonel and five others whose lack of rank or Olympic ambition renders them unworthy of any but the most cursory attention.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Banking Phish
From: darlingbloke@payback.gov.uk
Date: Wed Jul 08 2009 4:00pm Europe/London
To: database-recipients::
Subject: Incraese Yuor Size |\|0 LIMIT
Reply-To: darlingbloke@payback.gov.uk
Dear Banker!!!!!!!!!!!
I am darlingbloke i am Darling bloke i am Chancerlor of teh Ex cheque er er of dymanic british Thrid Wrold no 10p taxbad rah rah economoney i am darling Bloke bloke. as yuo may be aware irrepsonsibile pay practicices made bakns bnaks tak too much R | S K laeding ot ot ot to iflnatioomn defflaiition rcessssion & BUST. bnaks abnks aslo had litltltlte aprecaprtion of waht was goigng omn isinide thier own businessinessesses laedig to flations of alllll srots & MORE BUST. Acccordigly in acordance with my accccord teh sz siz size of yuor busisinesiness wlil nott be rgleulated adn the zs zsiz zsis zszise of your salarily adn Broadroomm Bosnusnes wlill ALso Nnot be rgluttated. i am Darlingb loke bloke.
i hop soon to be Wroking in Pirvart Sector & i Lok frowardx to yr Appreciatton.
wram gregrards
darlingbloke
(Darling Bloke)
xxxxxxxxxxx
Date: Wed Jul 08 2009 4:00pm Europe/London
To: database-recipients::
Subject: Incraese Yuor Size |\|0 LIMIT
Reply-To: darlingbloke@payback.gov.uk
Dear Banker!!!!!!!!!!!
I am darlingbloke i am Darling bloke i am Chancerlor of teh Ex cheque er er of dymanic british Thrid Wrold no 10p taxbad rah rah economoney i am darling Bloke bloke. as yuo may be aware irrepsonsibile pay practicices made bakns bnaks tak too much R | S K laeding ot ot ot to iflnatioomn defflaiition rcessssion & BUST. bnaks abnks aslo had litltltlte aprecaprtion of waht was goigng omn isinide thier own businessinessesses laedig to flations of alllll srots & MORE BUST. Acccordigly in acordance with my accccord teh sz siz size of yuor busisinesiness wlil nott be rgleulated adn the zs zsiz zsis zszise of your salarily adn Broadroomm Bosnusnes wlill ALso Nnot be rgluttated. i am Darlingb loke bloke.
i hop soon to be Wroking in Pirvart Sector & i Lok frowardx to yr Appreciatton.
wram gregrards
darlingbloke
(Darling Bloke)
xxxxxxxxxxx
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Ignorantia Legis Excusat
The chief inspector of constabulary, Denis O'Connor, has reported on the violence at the remarkable success in April. Apparently some senior officers in the best police force in the world felt no particular urge to find out the legal ramifications of kettling before they used it, and not all officers on the ground had been apprised of the possibility that whacking people on the side of the head with a riot shield might do someone a mischief. O'Connor also made the rather baffling observation that the tactic of confining large numbers of people in small areas without food, water, toilet facilities or exit belongs to a "different era". Perhaps it was more effective during the good old days of warm beer, village cricket and the bobby on the beat. Now times have changed, and "we live in an age where public consent of policing cannot be assumed"; hence "policing, including public order policing, should be designed to win the consent of the public". As a matter of fact, the best police force in the world did quite a bit to win the consent of the public to its belligerent tactics during the remarkable success: they hyped the threats beforehand and lied about the casualties afterwards. However, given that officers are now working with the possibility of an "instant visual record of police conduct", O'Connor sensibly recommends "a presumption in favour of facilitating peaceful assembly", at least until the law against photographing policemen in the course of beating up a terrorist suspect can be enforced with sufficient instantaneity and utterness.
Monday, July 06, 2009
Record Profits
Daveybloke, the Cuddly Conservative, has a policy advisor called Steve Hilton. Steve Hilton is married to Rachel Whetstone. Rachel Whetstone is a senior executive at Google. By a remarkable coincidence, Daveybloke, the Cuddly Conservative, has just decided that people should use services like Google Health as a means of storing their own medical records and ensuring that there is sufficient freedom of information for the health of the pharmaceutical companies. Health industry consumers would be "given the option" of storing their records with private companies or utilising Brand X, much as people are now given the option of gambling on private pension schemes or working until they drop. Medicino-surgical customers would also be given a choice of provider, ensuring that no single company would have a monopoly; there is every reason to believe that this would work at least nearly as well as the wide choice of whimsically-priced rail service providers which has made our transport infrastructure the wondrous cure for melancholy it is today.
A spokesbeing for Daveybloke's Cuddly Conservatives would not discuss the idea in detail, because there are still one or two problems to be ironed out; for instance, "Google Health and Microsoft HealthVault systems would need to be adapted for them to work in Britain"; or, more likely, Britain would be adapted so that Google and Microsoft HealthVault could work here without tripping over any inconvenient consumer protection laws. Apparently Daveybloke believes that this arrangement would be an "alternative" to the NHS database. Presumably, then, Daveybloke intends to abolish the database, erasing all records kept on it so that those who submit their medical records to the tender mercies of Google and Microsoft may receive an equal standard of care to those who choose otherwise; or else Daveybloke intends to keep the database as a parallel system, so that the NHS may save the money spent on it by spending money on the database.
A spokesbeing for Daveybloke's Cuddly Conservatives would not discuss the idea in detail, because there are still one or two problems to be ironed out; for instance, "Google Health and Microsoft HealthVault systems would need to be adapted for them to work in Britain"; or, more likely, Britain would be adapted so that Google and Microsoft HealthVault could work here without tripping over any inconvenient consumer protection laws. Apparently Daveybloke believes that this arrangement would be an "alternative" to the NHS database. Presumably, then, Daveybloke intends to abolish the database, erasing all records kept on it so that those who submit their medical records to the tender mercies of Google and Microsoft may receive an equal standard of care to those who choose otherwise; or else Daveybloke intends to keep the database as a parallel system, so that the NHS may save the money spent on it by spending money on the database.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Without Natural Affection
The Bishop of Rochester, Dr Michael Nazir-Ali, who is due to hang up his skirts in a couple of months, has had one last bash at demonstrating the wonders of a secular society. As Daveybloke the Cuddly Conservative cuddles up to gay people while vaunting Family Values (only to be accused of "hypocritical moralising" by Harriet Harman - an indignity on a par with having one's honour impugned by Gordon Brown), the Bishop told the Sabbath Torygraph: "We want to uphold the traditional teaching of the Bible. We believe that God has revealed his purpose about how we are made." It is not clear whether we in this instance means the entire Anglican Civil War, its God, its Saviour, its head the Queen, the dithering politician in Lambeth Palace, its archbishops, bishops, deacons, deaconesses, vicars, blue-rinsers and choirboys; or whether it just means Dr Michael Nazir-Ali and the Fellowship of Confessing Anglicans, a right-wing splinter group which has no doubt allied itself with the African and American sodomy-smashers in much the same spirit as Daveybloke has jumped into bed with the East European gay-bashers. In any case, people who do not believe that homosexuals are morally inferior human beings (somewhere between women and Muslims, I take it) "don't share the same faith" as the Bishop of Rochester and the FCA. "They are acting in a way that is not normative according to what God has revealed in the Bible", rather like people who don't believe in killing witches, stoning adulterers, or executing people for breaking the Sabbath. Dr Michael Nazir-Ali and his chums "don't want to exclude people", but there are some people who cannot in good conscience be put up with unless they "repent and be changed"; otherwise the privilege of having Dr Michael Nazir-Ali and his chums as co-religionists must regretfully be withdrawn. Besides wanting to cling to the traditional teaching of the Church, the Bishop also wants "a movement for renewal", though without the bother of any culture or trends. A "reformation of the Church and the life of the Communion", presumably in the image of Dr Michael Nazir-Ali and his chums, is recommended - doubtless in all humility.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Gay Abandon
SIR ARTHUR STREEB-GREEBLING: I believe it was shortly after World War Two. Remember that - World War Two?
INTERVIEWER: Yes, indeed.
STREEB-GREEBLING: Absolutely ghastly business.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, indeed.
STREEB-GREEBLING: Absolutely ghastly business.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, yes, indeed.
STREEB-GREEBLING: I was completely against it.
INTERVIEWER: Well, I think we all were.
STREEB-GREEBLING: Yes, but I wrote a letter.
Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, The Frog and Peach
The Foreign Office is to risk the wrath of homophobic regimes with which Britain does not have profitable business relations by writing letters to British diplomats. A newly-appointed underling of the Upper Miliband has been charged with a final desperate attempt to give some impression that New New Labour has some sort of interest in human rights by sending written messages of approbation to diplomats who show public support for gay rights, provided they are not in Saudi Arabia, Uzbekistan, Turkey, the Vatican or three-fifths of the United States. The purpose of the letters, as noted in Chris Bryant's press release and verified by the Guardian's Journalistic Telepathy Unit, is "to spell out that the British Foreign Office policy of support for gay and lesbian rights is not just a formality, but instead a central part of the government's drive for human rights" which has had such brilliant results in Iraq, Afghanistan and Westminster. Bryant has written letters to British diplomats in Poland, Bulgaria and Romania, noting that the home of the elected Member of the European Parliament, Nick Griffin, "is not just a tolerant country. We fully respect the rights of everyone, regardless of their sexuality", if not regardless of their asylumseekerdom. Bryant also plans to write letters to British high commissioners in the Commonwealth, "even though this will run contrary to the teachings of some local churches", such as the Church of Rome and the Church of England. Bryant's "determination" to write letters to British representatives within the Commonwealth, as noted in Bryant's press release and verified by the aforementioned JTU, "will be hugely controversial if he pushes the message and diplomatic pressure hard"; which handily explains why he probably won't.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, indeed.
STREEB-GREEBLING: Absolutely ghastly business.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, indeed.
STREEB-GREEBLING: Absolutely ghastly business.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, yes, indeed.
STREEB-GREEBLING: I was completely against it.
INTERVIEWER: Well, I think we all were.
STREEB-GREEBLING: Yes, but I wrote a letter.
Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, The Frog and Peach
The Foreign Office is to risk the wrath of homophobic regimes with which Britain does not have profitable business relations by writing letters to British diplomats. A newly-appointed underling of the Upper Miliband has been charged with a final desperate attempt to give some impression that New New Labour has some sort of interest in human rights by sending written messages of approbation to diplomats who show public support for gay rights, provided they are not in Saudi Arabia, Uzbekistan, Turkey, the Vatican or three-fifths of the United States. The purpose of the letters, as noted in Chris Bryant's press release and verified by the Guardian's Journalistic Telepathy Unit, is "to spell out that the British Foreign Office policy of support for gay and lesbian rights is not just a formality, but instead a central part of the government's drive for human rights" which has had such brilliant results in Iraq, Afghanistan and Westminster. Bryant has written letters to British diplomats in Poland, Bulgaria and Romania, noting that the home of the elected Member of the European Parliament, Nick Griffin, "is not just a tolerant country. We fully respect the rights of everyone, regardless of their sexuality", if not regardless of their asylumseekerdom. Bryant also plans to write letters to British high commissioners in the Commonwealth, "even though this will run contrary to the teachings of some local churches", such as the Church of Rome and the Church of England. Bryant's "determination" to write letters to British representatives within the Commonwealth, as noted in Bryant's press release and verified by the aforementioned JTU, "will be hugely controversial if he pushes the message and diplomatic pressure hard"; which handily explains why he probably won't.
Friday, July 03, 2009
And Was the Holy Lamb of God On England's Pleasant Pastures More or Less Important?
A national survey of Biblical literacy has found that, despite three-quarters of respondents owning a copy and despite the traditional British affection for sex and violence, most of us are as ignorant of the Bible as we are of anything else that might have a whiff of history, literature, mythology, poetry, culture or other kind of foreignness about it. Despite thirty years of Thatcherite government, a majority of respondents did not know the parable of the Good Samaritan; perhaps even more surprisingly, a similar majority did not know the story of Joseph and his brothers, despite the best efforts of Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Perhaps the reputation of these stories can be salvaged once Dan Brown or a wannabe has constructed a suitable plot around them.
A Methodist preacher, the Reverend Brian Brown, said that he was "startled by the lack of knowledge and understanding among people questioned, despite a third of them saying that the Bible was important to them"; which shows that the Reverend Brian Brown has a good deal to learn about good old British honesty and straight talk. Most of the third probably considered the Bible important in repelling vampires and other undesirables of a similar nature, rather than for any qualities it may possess as reading matter. Still, it would be injudicious for the churches to be too concerned about this latest example of blessed ignorance, since actually reading the Bible can occasionally have unfortunate consequences. I can still remember the effect of an illustration depicting some victims of the Great Flood in a Bible for Children during my nonage. Somewhat later, the Gideons visited one of my schools and committed the indiscretion of handing out New Testaments in which the Saviour's callousness, vengefulness, self-pity and megalomania were thrown into sharp relief by a modern English translation.
A Methodist preacher, the Reverend Brian Brown, said that he was "startled by the lack of knowledge and understanding among people questioned, despite a third of them saying that the Bible was important to them"; which shows that the Reverend Brian Brown has a good deal to learn about good old British honesty and straight talk. Most of the third probably considered the Bible important in repelling vampires and other undesirables of a similar nature, rather than for any qualities it may possess as reading matter. Still, it would be injudicious for the churches to be too concerned about this latest example of blessed ignorance, since actually reading the Bible can occasionally have unfortunate consequences. I can still remember the effect of an illustration depicting some victims of the Great Flood in a Bible for Children during my nonage. Somewhat later, the Gideons visited one of my schools and committed the indiscretion of handing out New Testaments in which the Saviour's callousness, vengefulness, self-pity and megalomania were thrown into sharp relief by a modern English translation.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Could Hun Invade Grief of Heroes' Families?
A new medal, the Elizabeth Cross, is to be given to the families of those military personnel who have been killed in combat since the Second World War. "Ever since Christopher died I have wondered what I will say to the children of his younger brother when they ask 'What did Uncle Christopher get from this country?'" said the mother of one non-collateral detrimentation. "I will now be able to point to the Elizabeth Cross and say 'That's what Christopher got'." A great comfort, no doubt. The Chief of the Defence Staff said he thought the medal would be worn with "immense pride" by those whose relatives paid the ultimate price in wars of liberation from Malaya to Aden to Kenya, and more recently for Halliburton's profits and the Vicar of Downing Street's echt-Churchillian posturings - matters to which the Chief of the Defence Staff tactfully referred as "our security and freedom". The Queen observed that we have an "enduring debt to those who are killed while actively protecting what is most dear to us all" and implied, rather offensively, that this kind of solemn hypocrisy is a facet of our "national character", whatever that may be.
Since the contract to manufacture the medals has to be tendered across the European Union, a headline writer at the Independent seized the occasion to flash his Britishness by practising his Daily Mail skills, highlighting the EU's inexcusable interference in a matter of exclusively British glory, and the possibility that the medals may end up being made in a country defeated in the two wars and one World Cup What We Won - issues which together occupy almost one-eleventh of the story's length.
Since the contract to manufacture the medals has to be tendered across the European Union, a headline writer at the Independent seized the occasion to flash his Britishness by practising his Daily Mail skills, highlighting the EU's inexcusable interference in a matter of exclusively British glory, and the possibility that the medals may end up being made in a country defeated in the two wars and one World Cup What We Won - issues which together occupy almost one-eleventh of the story's length.
