The Curmudgeon


Thursday, October 08, 2015

Poor Law

Another left-wing firebrand has spoken out against the Government's new system of fines for pleading not guilty. This time the troublemaker is the Lord Chief Justice, Baron Thomas of Place-the-Welsh-Secretary-Probably-Cannot-Pronounce, who attacked the scale of the fees in a speech ostensibly about the supposed legacy of Magna Carta. He made the speech to an audience of legal workers in New Zealand last month, but it was apparently not thought safe to release the contents here on the mainland until after Michael Gove got safely through his turn at the Conservative Party's belch-and-burble in Manchester.

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Hot Air

Onshore windfarms have very sneakily taken advantage of Government subsidies to become the cheapest way of generating electricity, according to a report by the hard-left pressure group Bloomberg New Energy Finance. The price of wind in Britain has almost halved in the past twelve months, to £55 per megawatt-hour, and is expected to plummet even further when the eructations and flatulations of the Conservative Party conference are taken into account. The price of nuclear, by contrast, has risen; which is doubtless why the Government has removed investment in renewable energy in order to hand over our generating capacity to the Chinese. Fortunately, a spokesbeing was extruded to blather about hard-working bill payers, who are approximately as hard-working as hard-working taxpayers but less familial than hard-working families, and are not nearly as important to our security, stability and opportunity as hard-driving tax dodgers.

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

On Point

At last the Government has solved the conundrum of how to save the NHS while sacking nurses: Britain must import more ballet dancers. Helped by their little orange chums in the coalition, the Conservatives started their hob-nailed re-jig of the health service by cutting several thousand nursing posts; and in the interests of hard-working families there are no plans to repair the damage in anything less than a couple of years from now. Accordingly, the Government intends to deport nurses from outside the EU should their work ethic prove insufficiently Chinese to earn them £35,000 after six years in the country. Ballet dancers, by contrast, will be immune from the attentions of those charming G4S boot-boys because ballet dancers are defined as a shortage occupation; doubtless because the present Minister for Health and News Corporation was once Minister for Cultchah and News Corporation, and did not fail to leave his mark.

Monday, October 05, 2015

Cultural Revelation

I'm Jerry C Hunt, and methinks
The British state still has some kinks!
To straighten them out,
I'll bustle about
And take a few tips from the Chinks!

As brightest of Dave's little toolies
I say kicking proles in the goolies
Is lovely, it's true,
But more is to do -
We do not need workers, but coolies!

We'll work them all hours, like the Yanks,
And give all their pay to the banks!
If ever they dare
Protest in a square,
Why, then we'll just send in the tanks!

Fitzrupert Spadsacker

Sunday, October 04, 2015

Wheels Within Wheels

For those whose hobby is keeping the planet habitable for human civilisation, there is encouraging news: the agency responsible for certifying that vehicles meet standards on emissions receives just under seventy per cent of its funding from car manufacturers. Of course, there is no conflict of interest: a spokesbeing for the Ministry of Motoring has already been extruded to proclaim that it is only natural for those under investigation to pay for the service they receive; just as the police and the scumbag press always investigate their own derelictions in order to protect hard-working families and ensure that no funny business occurs. In any case, the governance framework for the Vehicle Certification Agency is determined by the Government, which consistently breaks the law on air pollution and has been trying to block EU legislation that would strengthen checks on car emissions; so that's all right.

Saturday, October 03, 2015

Stuff Happens

The forces of freedomisation have managed to collaterally detriment the only functioning hospital in the northern Afghan city of Kunduz, to the immeasurable benefit of stability and world peace. Afghan security forces were able to close it down for a while a couple of months ago, when they went in to search for bad men and ended up assaulting three members of the staff; but this intervention is in a somewhat different league. The airstrike was conducted "against individuals threatening the force", according to the Jedi spokesbeing; Médecins Sans Frontières, which runs the facility, says that the hospital's location was known to all participants in the nation-building process and that the bombing continued for half an hour after the alarm was raised with the country's official protectors. It is to be hoped that the Russians, whose presence in Syria has caused actual civilian deaths and complicated a situation so simple that even Philip Hammond could understand it, will take due note and learn the appropriate lessons.

Friday, October 02, 2015

Humanitarian Intervention

The perils of failing to heed the Reverend Blair were demonstrated once more today, as it emerged that the holy man tried to save his chum Colonel Gaddafi from the consequences of excess democratisation. His reverence is thought to have held a special affection for Gaddafi, whom he personally redeemed from officially-designated mad dog status and whose attitudes to everything from national security to personal ostentation so closely paralleled his own. During the Arab Spring the Reverend Blair exerted his famous humanitarian influence, urging Gaddafi to flee to a safe place so that western governments could come up with a suitably humane retirement package, with the Reverend Blair acting as an honest broker in return for suitable remuneration. Although the Reverend Blair invoked his most powerful dialectical weapon - "I'm saying this because I believe it" - the Libyan dictator somehow contrived to remain unmoved, with notorious and deplorable consequences. The Reverend Blair, of course, having made his restraining influence felt on the Bush administration in Afghanistan and Iraq, went on to influence the peace process in Palestine and the liberalisation process in Kazakhstan, with similar spectacular success.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

No Fraternising With the Gooks

So resoundingly successful has been the Osbornomic miracle, and so equitably distributed the profits thereof, that Conservative Party bosses have been forced to warn their minions about venturing without disguise among the northern powerhouse's restless natives. In a magnificent gesture of Bullingdon tact, the Conservatives have decided to hold their annual belch and rah-rah in Manchester, which was not particularly rich in 2010 and has therefore been subject to the usual Osbornomic stimulus of budget restrictions on top of efficiency savings on top of austerity cuts on top of routine neoliberal nastiness. None of this has been in vain, since the money saved has gone to stimulate entrepreneurship and hard-working families in richer boroughs; but it appears that not all Mancunians have fallen in with the doubtless prevailing mood of forelock-tugging gratitude. Accordingly, the party chairman has ordered activists to remove their identification badges when out absorbing the local colour beyond the "ring of steel" which, in tribute to the party's popular mandate, the Home Office will be deploying around the proceedings. It is to be hoped that the glorious victors of May 2015 can also remember to put their badges back on before venturing back into the security zone; what a loss to the country should the next Sayeeda Warsi or Sajid Javid be drone-bombed into oblivion in mistake for a flat-cap militant.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Vergangenheitsbewältigung, Boy

Britain's Head Boy has toddled along to Jamaica, where some mean-spirited persons have called on him to apologise for the slave trade which brought them to their holiday destination. Daveybloke responded with a bit of a burble in which he called on the uppity wogs to draw a line under the whole distasteful episode. Slavery has no place in a civilised society since it has, after all, long since ceased to be profitable for anyone except the kind of dubious African entrepreneurs who are seeking to inflict more migrants upon us. As an advocate of purely indigenous forced labour, Daveybloke expressed his pride in having abolished the slave trade and his abhorrence of an institution which places all the responsibility for feeding, clothing and housing the unwaged on rich people instead of on the Trussell Trust. Daveybloke simpered that rich people and their little brown chums, having helped each other through so many delightful adventures, ought now to move on from the painful legacy of misplaced benevolence on one side and shirking on the other, and proceed about the more important business of making money in a low-tax economy. According to a spokesbeing, Britain's Head Boy has informed the Jamaican prime minister that the "long-standing position of the United Kingdom is that we do not believe reparations is the right approach", a position coincidentally shared with many long-standing offenders.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Justly Proud

Snapshots from the venerable world of British law and order:

A have-a-go heroine has had her manslaughter sentence halved, and could be back in action in less than a year. As a mother of five, she got drunk and righteously perforated a neighbouring paedophile, thus winning herself the sympathy of all law-abiding, hard-working families. The judge noted that she "never disputed responsibility for the killing as a matter of fact, did not take the opportunity to get rid of evidence and demonstrated remorse". Having turned herself in to the police, she said to an officer, "Who houses a fucking paedophile on an estate, like, seriously? He was, like, asking for trouble"; but it is unclear whether she had any plans to take a carving knife to the landlord.

A magistrate was suspended from his position and has now resigned after donating £40 of his own money towards the depredations of an asylum seeker. The marauding swarmer in question was prevented from working in case he stole a British job, but still somehow lacked sufficient funds to pay the British state for protecting British citizens against him. The Ministry for Profitable Incarceration responded with a proclamation that "the charge [for a fair trial] is separate to the sentence and should not be considered as a mitigating factor", which certainly clears things up.

The idea of forcing people to pay for their own trial was broached satirically in the 1985 film Brazil and instituted by the walking satire Chris Graybeing and his little yellow helpers during the coalition. Graybeing's successor, the equally silly but somewhat slicker Michael Gove, is persisting with a Graybeing-era contract to sell British offender management techniques to Saudi Arabia, which has just sentenced a man to be decapitated and crucified. Gove cannot cancel the contract because, as always, the "wider interests of the British government" are at stake. Fortunately, the UK opposes the death penalty in all circumstances, so the job will be over and done with in six months. Makes you proud.