Benign Condition Observed at White House - No Need to Panic, Medics Claim

As if all the nonsense over the Epstein files were not enough, the White House has now spawned a conspiracy theory about the Trumpster's legs. The official role of court physician is of course being squatted in by the Kennedy brainworm, so the Trumpster is understandably inclined to seek personal medical advice elsewhere. The royal physique has been examined by one Sean Prettybeard instead, and it seems the Trumpster's legs are subject to swelling which, if left unattended, might obliterate his bone spurs and with them all public record of his heroism in saving America from Vietnamese aggression. In ordinary mortals such swelling results from the veins lacking the necessary entrepreneurship to carry blood to the heart; but matters of mortal circulation hardly seem relevant when the patient's physical entity consists entirely of a super-sized fluorescent orange bladder inflated by the toxic flatulence of a rabid mutant head-tribble. Fortunately, treatment for chronic venous insufficiency can include such all-American pastimes as walking and losing weight, so even should the head-tribble take the diagnosis seriously it shouldn't cause anyone too much bother.

Cleaning Up

Those efficient people at Southern Water have joined other moisture provision profiteers in imposing a hosepipe ban, although doubtless some flexibility exists for consumers whose gardens can get by on raw sewage alone. In fact, so flexible are Southern Water that they have responded to a government prohibition on executive bonuses by awarding their fattest boardroom felid a double-cream fuck-the-plebs. A spokesbeing was extruded to proclaim, presumably with a straight face, that the wage inflation was merited because Southern Water have been doing such a wonderful job lately, and also that it wasn't really a bonus anyway because it was part of a long-term incentive scheme, actually. Whether any of the little people will be able to escape their thousand-pound fines under the rubric of tubular aqueous distribution systemics remains to be determined.

Values Can Go Down as Well as Plummet

Since the national religion forbids the stimulation of economic growth by putting money into the hands of those likely to spend it, His Majesty's Government has settled for a homeopathic remedy. Uncontrolled gambling did much to bring the country to its present lamentable pass, so more uncontrolled gambling should be just the thing to cure it. Accordingly, some of the tens of millions saved through the latest round of poor-bashing and cripple-kicking have been spaffed at an advertising agency in order that the little people may be induced to join in the fiscal frenzy. Simultaneously, Team Starmer has announced its intention to deregulate the casino and remove even the pitifully inadequate safeguards that were introduced when Jeremy Corbyn caused the 2008 meltdown; so nobody need fear the red tape that might prevent their losing as much as market forces require.

Useful Allies

There is still much that isn't known about the data breach by the Ministry for Wog-Bombing which led the Conservatives to slap a superinjunction on the issue, thereby preventing our free, fearless and cantankerous press from either reporting upon the matter or reporting that there was a matter upon which it was forbidden to report. It is unknown, for example, how far the data breach was due to the habitual Conservative preference for loyalty over competence; or to the British establishment's happy relationship with the Babbage calculatification engines; or to some enterprising employee at the War Office hoping to incentivise the Taliban to clear a few thousand potential immigrants out of the Government's way. In any event the affair went about as well as anything has gone during the few dozen Conservative administrations of the past half-decade; and thus the present Conservative administration has been left with the task of apologising for the admission of several thousand Afghans into the country without the Farage Falange being asked what it thought about the idea and without any immediate prospect of deporting them all to Albania. On the bright side, the cost has been on a scale "which makes a material difference to government spending plans," so Team Starmer now has several thousand new excuses for its plans to take money from the poor.

Painful Swellings in the Great American Groin

Like many mediaeval societies, the southern United States suffers from endemic plague; and the Christian state of Arizona has confirmed a recent death from the pneumonic form of the disease. The woke scientific mind virus remains active enough for blame to be laid upon the Yersinia pestis bacterium rather than upon Iran, the Heathen Chinee, or the Deity's wrath concerning excessively free and easy attitudes to female bodily autonomy; and citizens have even been warned against the perils of excessive contact with rodents, insects, wild dogs and other natural-born vectors of Trumpsterism. Doubtless the head-tribble, with the aid of its court physician the Kennedy brainworm, is already working to ensure that such elementary medical errors are not repeated.

Important to Humanity

Presumably in order to help absolve itself of being the educational, scientific and cultural wing of Hamas, UNESCO has added one of America's more spectacular cultural achievements to its list of world heritage sites. Two Khmer Rouge prisons and a killing field are to be ranked as a fitting twentieth-century contibution to the catalogue of human aspiration that includes the Great Wall of China, the Taj Mahal and Angkor Wat. Despite the official Hollywood recognition of the Cambodian catastrophe, the selection may well be controversial; not least because, unlike the colonisers of America and the Righteous State, the brutal communists of the Khmer Rouge did not aspire to genocide. They were not trying to exterminate the Cambodian people, merely to deliver them into a redeeming agrarian utopia: a patriotic urge akin to the British establishment's penchant for rewriting the history of the Second World War and kicking out the wogs, and having rather less in common with Marx and Lenin than with the more otherworldly reaches of Buddhism. It was doubtless this lack of appropriate ethnic cleanliness that prevented the Khmer Rouge being fully accepted into the international community until after its officially brutal communist régime acquired a measure of legitimacy through its heinous removal by the communist Vietnamese.

Let's Purge Again

Fifty-nine Labour backbenchers are courting expulsion, deselection, charges of antisemitic hate crimes and illegally refining weapon-grade uranium, and dismissal as "noises off" by accusing the Righteous State of ethnic cleansing in Gaza even though the Righteous State has repeatedly demonstrated, by word and deed, its intention to carry out ethnic cleansing in Gaza. The extremists are also demanding that illegal settlers be treated as criminals and that Britain recognise Palestinian statehood even though that might induce the beastly French to do the same. In response, the grown-ups at the Ministry for Wogs and the White House extruded a spokesbeing to shrug that Britain is committed to recognising Palestinian statehood, but only when Britain dashed well pleases: His Majesty's Government is awaiting the point of maximum impact, recognition of which will presumably be left to the Pentagon.

Another Monolithic Conspiracy

Sending people back where they came from may be no more than common sense, but property is a very different matter. It seems that a secretive and treacherous cabal is negotiating with a foreign power, and a party to the Strasbrussels dictatorship at that, regarding the possible return of the Parthenon sculptures to their country of origin. A lusty band of patriots, including the race-baiting historian David Starkey, the doll-eyed woodentop John Redwood, and the forty-nine-day blunder Liz Truss, has dispatched a stern letter to the Prime Minister, to the British Museum, and to the Secretary of State for Cultchah, Propaganda and Rah-Rah, demanding that any such negotiations be called off lest the beastly Euro-wogs forget who won the war. Whether the missive is in green ink or purple ink remains as yet undisclosed; as does the brand of lavatory paper on which it is inscribed. Still, in all fairness it must be acknowledged that the continued presence of Starkey, Redwood and La Truss in public life shows convincingly that present-day Britain does not have so many marbles left that it can afford to deport those few it still retains.

Gummed Up and Watered Down

Once more the moisture provision profiteering watchdog has deployed the gentlest gingival pressure and a dignified dry-humping of well-trousered corporate leg to steer a miscreant onto the path of righteousness. The latest penitent is South West Water, which has generously condescended to do its job in lieu of paying a fine for breaking the law. After two years of investigation, the regulator found that the company had not installed the proper equipment to prevent illegal sewage discharges, had not properly dealt with the sewage under its care, and had not adequately monitored its treatment works; but since the investigation was at the taxpeyer's expense there seems no good reason to burden real people with excessive financial obligations that might interfere with the next round of boardroom pay rises. Clean water ideologues are complaining as usual, apparently influenced by the antisemitic and dinosaurid dogma that corporate crime should be punishable; nevertheless, the Home Office has not so far announced plans to proscribe them as terrorists.

Loyal Toast

British nationalists in Northern Ireland have drawn criticism for adding effigies of refugees to a bonfire. The pyro-patriotic display, which seems in little danger of being considered a hate crime by the state to which the artists pledge their loyalty, will be part of the annual commemoration of a military victory by a rather tolerant seventeenth-century European immigrant. Even the Demagogic Unionist Party, which was tolerant enough to enter an informal coalition with Theresa May, has condemned the display on the grounds that bonfires should be "positive cultural celebrations" about the smiting of the Papist scum.