The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Happy Halloween

Thanks in large part to the policies of successive greenest governments ever, Halloween 2064 is expected to be the warmest on record, with sunburn, heatstroke and and skin cancer expected to hit record levels for the time of year.

The Government believes that hard-working families who work hard and want to get on are entitled to make their own decisions about how best to take advantage of Britain's rich heritage of traditional commercial festivals, or "holidays" as older dementians still sometimes call them.

Nevertheless, it is important to remember that 99% of people have duties as well as rights, so the following guidelines should be borne in mind.

Each generation has its own monsters. With just under 29% of Britain now covered by Lake Paterson, costumes with an aquatic theme are recommended. Water-sprites, creatures from black lagoons and sea-monsters have a much higher buoyancy than cloaked vampires or over-sized Frankenstein creatures.

If you have been wading through the shallows of Lake Paterson or its tributaries, take care to dry yourself off before trick-or-treating at a wealthy home, as many such homes have electrical anti-terrorist devices installed. Mixing water and electricity without due care and attention can cause inconvenience to home-owners and occasional fatality to others.

The badger count tonight is expected to be medium to high. Wear protective clothing at all times. Remember that it is your responsibility not to hinder patrol boats, shotguns, grappling irons, water cannon, mini-nukes or drones with any part of your own or your children's anatomy.

Happy Halloween! Merry Pre-Christmas! Shop early for the warmest Easter on record!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

With Chums Like This

Britons arguing for a sane attitude towards immigration have suffered another setback thanks to an intervention on their side by the Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair. Tony has been relaxing a bit now that his strenuous efforts to bring peace to the Middle East have started turning out so marvellously, and has bestowed an interview upon Progress magazine in which he proclaimed that it would be inadvisable to chase after the policies of UKIP. At the same time, anything would be better than a lurch to the left: what are needed are "strong values, but practical, non-ideological solutions", such as the eminently practical and non-ideological Blairite survellance state and, no doubt, a bit more wog-bombing wherever it seems to be called for. During his own, all too brief ministry among the children of Albion, of course, Tony's practical, non-ideological selling points were chasing after the policies of the Conservative Party and following Cheney's chimpanzee.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Hard-Working Consumers

In a stark illustration of the moral dangers of stem cell research, scientists have grown the first artificial Young Conservatives. The miniature creatures were bred in petri dishes and when fully formed are brainless, legless, hollow and prone to ulceration, while their interior workings are ruled almost entirely by glands and pits; hence, virtually the only thing that distinguishes them from normal Young Conservatives is their size. Called flatulating eructoids by scientists, they are not quite so inarticulate as their natural-born counterparts, but researchers say they are nevertheless fully belch-capable and fart-ready at all times. Many of the more advanced individuals can already digest the Murdoch press and spew out gobbets of natural fragrance in response.

Since none of them are women, the creatures are expected to take little more than a generation to replace those parts of the parliamentary Conservative Party which have not already been replaced by UKIP, the English Defence League and the Labour Party. The Prime Minister was offered one to keep, but refused on the grounds that he thought there was still a bit of mileage left in Little Ivan.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Freedom of the Seas

A few years ago, when the Farage Falange and its Caudillo were still being taken about as seriously as they still deserve, the leader of the British National Party proposed a short, sharp deterrent for migrant wogs; namely, sinking a few of their boats. Nick Griffin denied that he was advocating murder at sea: "they can throw them a life raft and they can go back to Libya." The coalition has adopted Griffin's policy, with a couple of significant modifications. In the first place, there seems no particular reason to expend valuable ammunition sinking boats which are often quite capable of sinking themselves; and in the second place, it would be irresponsible to provide rafts when such provision might be interpreted as an open-door policy towards job-stealing benefits tourism. So far, the only Deputy Conservative to speak against this latest manifestation of tough love has been Sarah Teather, who will not be standing at the general election; while Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition have apparently been shocked into silence at the leniency of it all.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Swamp Thing

They're swamping the cities and towns,
Which are rightfully ours and the Crown's!
From over the sea
Their movement's too free:
Britannia gurgles and drowns!

The Kippers are playing our game
Of finding some poor folk to blame:
They're turning some coats
And stealing our votes,
So we must behave just the same!

The march of the wogs must be ended,
The siege of our country suspended -
I shouldn't, you know,
Have phrased it just so;
I'm sorry if some were offended.

Fallon Crosby-Dysentery

Sunday, October 26, 2014

The Most Heinous Legal Act Since Our Previous Moral Panic

An independent body, whose sale to G4S will doubtless only be hastened by this indiscretion, has decided that a man should be released from prison. He was sentenced to a minimum of thirty years for the murder of two police officers; he has served that minimum and a further eighteen years, and is now seventy-eight years old and quite probably less dangerous to society than certain fine young men doing a wonderful job under difficult circumstances. Nevertheless, Bernard Hogan-Howitzer, Commissioner of the Metropolitan Firearms and Headbangers' Club, is unhappy; the chair of the Police Federation of England and Wales is appalled; the Labour MP for Dudley North has come over all theological; the mad old cat lady in the Home Office has pledged to enshrine in legislation the idea that the life of a police officer matters more than the life of a civilian; and the London Haystack has decreed that Londoners shall be sickened. Personally I am not sickened, although I do find the idea that the prison service is purely for warehousing a little distasteful; but then I am not a real Londoner, only an immigrant.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Responsible Members of Society

Those charming people at Serco and G4S have made payouts to fourteen people who were assaulted while being detained in New Labour's "secrure training centres", which in Oldspeak would be designated child prisons. The companies have declared themselves innocent of all wrongdoing although, as with the Metropolitan Firearms and Headbangers' Club, it remains unclear how they manage to keep hiring bad apples in such impressive and regular quantities. The companies' contracts with the Government state that force can only be used as a last resort, in order to prevent injury or damage; but those charming people at Serco and G4S, like the Ministry of Justice, evidently take a liberal attitude to the mere letter of the law. On the bright side, the régime has resulted in a high rate of re-offending, to the continued profit of Serco and G4S; and at least one former detainee committed suicide rather than be re-arrested, which certainly testifies to the lack of a holiday-camp atmosphere in the child prison system. Fortunately, lessons have been learned: children are still having their limbs broken by Government contractors, but the Government refuses to say what level of force is authorised in case the children learn to fight back.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Don't Treat Us the Way Our Chums Treat the Proles

Britain's Head Boy has been having a bit of a squeal because the Euro-wogs have demanded more money without paying for it in free holidays and other lobbyists' incentives. To add insult to injury, the pretext for the demand is the idea that stronger economies should pitch in and help the weaker ones; which of course is pure face-purpling anathema to the post-2010 Social Darwinist now in nominal charge of the Real Conservatives. Even were he not being taunted by the Caudillo of the Farage Falange, handing over cash just because a contract with the Euro-wogs requires it would go against every instinct in Daveybloke's bulgey Bullingon body; prompt payment in such circumstances would be a faux pas almost on a par with settling a tailor's bill on time.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

You Think You've Got It Tough

Like the hard-working families to which they are such a shining moral example, many members of the House of Expenses Claimants are supplementing their meagre salaries with an extra job or two. After all, an MP only has a guaranteed income for five years, after which they have to start picking up the pieces of their lives and recovering from the trauma of public service. A few are altruistically concerned to avoid creating a professional political class, which might easily result in our being ruled by a detached clique of rich white men. In any case, it is certainly reassuring that so many of our lords and masters can not only find their own arses with only a few private secretaries to help them, but can also manage to keep their snouts buried in one trough while their trotters are busy in another.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Holy Warriors

After only seven years of palaver, an American jury has cleared up a few misunderstandings about one of the more deplorable incidents in the last Iraq crusade. Some boots on the ground who were thought to be doing a wonderful job under difficult circumstances have turned out to be little more than trigger-happy mercenaries who caused damage above and beyond the acceptably collateral. Blackwater, the outfit for which the military advisers worked, was so proud of its record that it changed its name twice, first to the science-fictional Xe Services and then to the Orwellian Academi, and paid an undisclosed sum to slightly less than one-sixth of the victims. The contribution of these corporate heroes towards the cause of peace in the Middle East is described by Britain's leading liberal newspaper as "one of the darkest incidents of the Iraq war"; and certainly the Nisour Square massacre was a lot less clean and tidy than what can now be achieved merely by floating a drone or two on the warm updraughts of wind from the Tony Blair Faith Foundation. As usual, no doubt lessons have been learned and precautions put in place, which will ensure that so distressing an indiscretion can never happen again until it does.