Hospitality Sector Perks Up

Those forces of British decency which rage against the accommodation of asylum seekers in hotels, or indeed anywhere at all other than prison hulks or Central Africa, will doubtless rejoice that the invasion at least enables a few hard-working families to scrape an honest living. Two private companies have made combined profits of a hundred and thirteen million: one of them, the cleansingly-named Clearsprings Ready Homes, has increased its net profits from twenty-eight million to sixty-two and a half; while the other distinguishes itself from the swarming hordes by making do with office space in Mayfair and providing a Conservative MP with pocket money. Both companies' dividends are courtesy of the ever-accommodating British taxpayer, whose elected representatives awarded Clearsprings a ten-year wog warehousing contract; while the blame for any suspicion of profiteering attaches as naturally as ever to the invaders.

Gove Sorts it Out

Vague threats to implement a manifesto promise to end no-fault evictions have brought squeals of horror from that substantial portion of the Conservative Party which consists of landlords; though naturally every objection was made in a spirit of pure and disinterested altruism. The villainously-monickered Desmond Swayne worried about his ability to kick out antisocial tenants, while the intellectually piscatoid Marcus Fysh predicted the end of the private housing market and an apocalyptic rise in inflation when miffed landlords sold up and moved out. Fortunately, the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove was on hand to reassure: there would have to be changes to the court system in order for the changes to work, and even the likes of Swayne and Fysh are capable of recalling that the court system has already been pre-emptively wrecked. Nevertheless, the more intelligent among those private renters who helped the National Johnson to his landslide may soon be feeling betrayed yet again by the Conservative Party's chronic disinclination to follow its man-of-the-people instincts.

Verbal Values

Even protests which are peaceful and still not illegal can sometimes have unfortunate consequences, and the recent demonstrations against Israel's holy war on the human animals have caused Britain's Minister for Wog Warehousing, the well-known interior designer Robert Jenrick, to start thundering his moral gusset about the perils of intemperate speech. As sensitive to the nuances of language as befits a former servant to a noted publisher of uplifting material, Jenrick has called for those who chant jihad on the streets of London to be dealt with in a manner appropriate to invaders of our shores. Unfortunately, the Metropolitan Police seem to think they have better things to do than arrest and deport people who utter inflammatory words in public.

Class Monitors

Effective government is all about priorities, and with so many schools falling apart it's only natural that His Majesty's Government should be concerned about what teachers, teaching assistants and our few remaining librarians are saying on social media. Even amidst the cornucopia of freedoms which has burst orgasmically forth since Global Britain's liberation from the Strasbrussels yoke, there are still those who expect the state to solve every problem, including those where no more expensive solution is required than yet another healthy helping of plucky positivity. Accordingly, the Ministry for Infantine Discipline and Training has compiled files on those who talk down British schools, or who raise objections to Government policies just because those policies happen not to work. In the interests of conserving funds, the Ministry has also blacklisted mere experts who might say nasty things at conferences, and has indicated its unwillingness to sponsor subversive elements with money that would be more responsibly spent on pre-election pork-barrelling. With excusable indirection, a spokesbeing proclaimed that it is standard practice to carry out due diligence when throwing money at anything that doesn't profit the Prime Minister's wife.

The King's Prayer

We thank Thee, Lord, for making us
Respectful, staunch and virtuous,
Inclined to listen, not to fight,
Except, of course, when we are right.

We thank Thee for those wells profound
Of tolerance we've spread around,
In which we bask entirely free
Of lesser breeds' complacency.

We thank Thy just and awful might
Which keeps our passions so polite,
And helps us on that civil way
Which made us what we are today.

In unity discreet yet stout
Where others are inclined to shout,
We thank Thee, and Thy bounty bless
For this our special Britishness.

Charles Mansion

Bad Etymology

Hypocrite, n. from Greek hupo under and Latin crux cross: a subordinate of Christian symbolism and/or a groveller beneath the flag of Saint George.

Noble, n. an aristocrat; from nobble to gain victory or influence through corruption or intimidation.

No Buffers for British Babies

Even far-right governments believe in peaceful protest as long as it isn't necessarily peaceful and accords with the will of the Führer in the sky; and the Fishy Rishi administration's attitude to demonstrations against women's bodily autonomy constitutes a fine example of such Trumpsterite libertarianism. Although Parliament has agreed that women seeking medical attention should be spared the ministrations of the God-botherers at least unto a distance of a hundred and fifty metres, the Home Secretary has better things to do these days than implement protections that might be tainted with vulgar actuality. A spokesbeing made noises about the unacceptability of harassment and intimidation, but the matter is self-evidently not an urgent one for the Minister for Passionate Britishness. Provided that protesters are not suspected of persecuting fossil fuel profiteers, escaping from a prison hulk or displaying the Palestinian flag, they need fear no curtailment of their crusades.

Politically Homeless

Among the few remaining areas in which Fishy Rishi's floundering administration can convincingly rival Team Starmer is, of course, breach of promise. Having shown how seriously he takes the housing crisis by palming it off on the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove, Fishy Rishi has procrastinated unto this eleventh hour over the Conservatives' manifesto commitment to reform the law on private renting. In fairness, the commitment was made by the National Johnson and therefore can hardly be said to have counted even before that statesman's moral repudiation; but the jabbering homunculus and one or two others are populist enough or stupid enough to take it seriously. Meanwhile the Conservative Party's landlord wing is flapping noisily at the prospect of losing its right to arbitrary eviction without appeal; so it remains as yet unclear exactly how far along the Team Starmer route of dilution, emasculation and self-contradiction Fishy Rishi will have the courage to venture.

Joseph R Malarkey

President Biden's re-election campaign team has opened an account on Truth Social, the postmodernistically-monickered platform created in the wake of an outstandingly diarrhoeic defecation by the rabid orange head-tribble into the yawning vacancy that is the Trumpster cranium. Doubtless Biden-Harris 2024 are doing their best to appease Team Starmer after recent allegations by Rashida Tlaib and other Democrats that the Righteous State is not entitled, let alone morally obliged, to commit war crimes. Such inflammatory and divisive language risks condoning antisemitism and thereby alienating a vital US ally in the war against Russia, Iran, North Korea, the Heathen Chinee and the Labour Party membership. In the interests of global stability, it is therefore to be hoped that the Biden campaign's courting of moderate and sensible fascists will bring the desired result; although the confessed motive "mostly because we thought it would be very funny" appears to hint at a discouraging un-Starmerite frivolity.

Gloves Off

Voracious Heathen Chinee crustaceans are depleting the racial purity of Britain's native fauna. The mitten crab, whose Fu Manchu fingernails are insidiously cloaked in a silken covering, has been eating its way through Lincolnshire's salmon, shrimp and trout almost as calamitously as if it were human. Fortunately a hostile environment is being prepared, with specially designed river accommodation and a website where members of the public can exercise their vigilance. Crabs with insufficient cunning to avoid the traps will be frozen and dissected rather than herded and deported, so they can consider themselves to have been jolly leniently dealt with.