The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Brits Don't Quit

In a report which will shock only those whose minds have been affected by family values, the charity Women's Aid has noted that most women who are murdered by men die at the hands of their intimates, rather than, as the present religious orthodoxy demands, at the hands of Muslims, ethnics, refugees or others supposedly not from around here. Two-thirds of those killed were killed by a current or former partner, and over eighty per cent were killed in their own home. Naturally, the Government is removing funding for refuges, presumably in the interests of defying the lesbian feminazis, keeping families together and empowering the British people to take back control and work things out for themselves. After all, if a deserving woman suffers a misunderstanding with the head of her household, she can always leave any infantine resources with the nanny and live at a proper hotel until it's all sorted out.

Saturday, December 09, 2017

Non-Extreme Ultimate Values

Inaugurating the annual ding-dong-merrily-on-Winterval of Christian self-pity, the downtrodden and repressed occupier of a free seat in the House of Lords has blamed the individualistic materialism of secular schools for failing to indoctrinate potential junior Anglicans with appropriate British values. A chronic failure to push moral absolutes laid down by a supernatural being might even be helping to fuel the rise of extremism, according to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who has previously expressed bewilderment over the number of church-goers who are fans of the Trumpster. Rather than mere utilitarianism, which decrees that terrorism should be fought because the persistence of terrorism is to our disadvantage, the Archbishop would prefer a less functional approach, whereby terrorism would be fought because the persistence of terrorism is unprofitable to the Church of England. Reports of the salutary effect of the Archbishop's speech on ISIS and Britain First are, at the time of writing, yet to start flooding in.

Friday, December 08, 2017

In the Beginning was the Correction to our Earlier Report

A mere few centuries after burning people who re-translated the Bible, the Catholic Church is beginning to get an inkling that all is not infallible about some of the texts we have. The Gospels as they stand are translated from various unreliable Greek translations of the rumoured Aramaic rantings of a fundamentalist yokel from Galilee; so one or two errors in transmission might be excusable from any god whose omnipotence is less advertised than Jehovah's. The Pope is concerned about the interpretation of the translation of the translation of a single line of the Lord's Prayer, which specifies that He who created the world, the flesh and the devil is morally answerable for their frailties. The original is lost, and the Greek means something rather different; but "Lead us not into temptation" is unfair to the sky-daddy, since it implies that He who made the human race and allowed Satan to tempt the faithful bears some sort of responsibility for the consequences, and if there is one thing Omnipotence cannot stand, it is being unfairly saddled with responsibilities. The Pope would prefer the line to read "do not let us fall into temptation", suggesting that the Father's conduct towards His children can be explained by neglect rather than deliberate malice, and that He had intended all along to speak in French.

Thursday, December 07, 2017

Economic Health

We're still clearing up Labour's mess,
A bit sluggish, let me confess:
Still burdened with shoals
Of unemployed proles
Despite there being none, more or less.

But if productivity's limp
Be British and don't be a wimp:
Keep calm and don't chide,
And swallow your pride
And think about sacking that gimp!

Anonymous

Wednesday, December 06, 2017

Oh, the Humanity

Most people with a mental age of ten or under believe that turning on the waterworks will get you out of trouble; doubtless the only reason the blithering prima donna David Davis hasn't tried it yet is that he holds to a more old-fashioned, page-three-girl-posing, Diane-Abbott-grabbing idea of what it means to be a Man. The Conservative MP Heidi Allen has no such inhibitions, having apparently brought a handy onion to the debate on her party's latest round of poor-bashing; and she was shamelessly egged on by the chair of the workfare and privation committee, Frank Field, whose concern for lives blighted by poverty evidently does not extend to twisting rhetorical knives in an opportunistically leaking blighter. The whole posturing pantomime has been reported with slightly more than due reverence, both for the underlying message (viz. that parliamentary expenses claimants deserve your sympathy at least as much as any suicidal scrounger) and for Allen's Duncan Smith homily on, by God, working together and kicking the poor better still.

Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Even Our Homes Are Foreign Now

More than a sixth of people working on building sites for houses are Euro-wogs, and the figure rises to fifty per cent in London, according to a survey by the Home Builders Federation. Contractors will need continued access to Euro-wog labourers if the Government's housing target is to be reached; so it seems, on the whole, rather fortunate that the Government does not particularly care about reaching its housing target. Most of the Euro-wogs apparently plan to stay despite the hostile environment; possibly some hope to better themselves by applying to the Home Office, where they are much more likely to be genuinely valued and appreciated; at least until those hospitable G4S people come for them, too.

Monday, December 04, 2017

When Irish Noes are Twitching

Well, here's a thing: the DUP are not like the Liberal Democrats. Having allied herself with the creationist gay-bashers, apparently under the impression that anyone from so untroubled a province of the Empire could hardly help but be reasonable, Tumbledown Tessie toddled off to give the Euro-wogs what-for, only for her allies to chop her off at the knees in front of all the grown-ups and David Davis. The deal, which might have been expected to last at least until more than one person tried to interpret the wording, did not even survive through lunchtime. By contrast to the junior partners in Britain's previous hard-right coalition, the Democratic Unionists are in earnest about at least one word in their party's name - an attitude which must come as quite a shock to the Conservatives, whose name tends to suggest such outmoded political virtues as strength, stability and economic competence.

Sunday, December 03, 2017

The Heartless and the Brainless

Although eighty per cent of Britons say they support organ donation, more than half of British families are against organ donation. Presumably the logic is much the same as operated among Britain's majority of non-xenophobes who voted to let the Euro-wogs fend for themselves: although almost all Britons are in favour of tolerance and economic prosperity, more than half who expressed a preference voted for patriotic rah-rah and economic suicide. For the intellectual élite among these not-a-racist-buts, the realisation is slowly dawning that leaving the EU may somehow be vaguely connected with a loss of EU funding and investment; it remains to be seen how many of Britain's hard-working families will be able to join the dots between the lengthening queues for organ transplants and the kind of loved one who prefers dead meat to the prospect of helping a stranger who might not, after all, deserve it.

Saturday, December 02, 2017

There's Always That One Restaurant You Never Got to Trash

Given all the problems he managed to cause, it is certainly charitable of Britain's late Head Boy to regret mainly the fact that he failed to provide a sufficiently attractive market for insurance companies to profit from the elderly. With the merry connivance of their little orange faglings, the Head Boy and his chubby little chumlies of the Bullingdon Club passed the Health and Social Care Act, effectively wrecking health and social care; now, having reaped the financial rewards from his six-year spree of poor-bashing and cripple-kicking, the Head Boy has had a bit of a burble about where it all went wrong. The answer, as always, is doubtless that his government failed to create a sufficiently hostile environment for the young, the unemployed, the sick, the poor, the wogs and the hated public sector. For his own part, the Head Boy saw in his constituents the catastrophic cost of care for the elderly, and was so concerned about it that he decided representing them was far less important than putting up a new garden shed.

Friday, December 01, 2017

Boosting the Green Crap

Although the British Conservative Party generally takes a liberal attitude to unfair dismissal, it seems there are limits. The blithering prima donna in charge of Brexit has given forth an aria upon the wonders of doing right by working people, provided the people happen to be chums of the blithering prima donna in charge of Brexit. The lily-white innocent in this case is the dead-eyed warden's consiglierrore Damian Green, whose straightforward shop-floor virtues apparently include office-party gropery and a can-do attitude to lever-pulling. As a member of the most persecuted minority in the world (wealthy white right-wing male nasties, for those who came in late), Green is apparently the victim of a vendetta by those ghastly, non-G4S police persons, and the blithering prima donna has accordingly readied the nuclear deterrent and is presumably hoping it can manage not to hit Miami. Should Green be dismissed in a manner unsatisfactory to the blithering prima donna, the latter has threatened to leave the Government and thereby risk the Brexit process coming to some sort of order.