The Curmudgeon


Sunday, April 23, 2017

Then They Came for the Fat People

Fat and pollutive persons who have the temerity to be ill while lacking sufficient British pluck and gumption to afford private healthcare are to receive their proper come-uppance under plans to ration NHS care according to worthiness of lifestyle. "We are seeing, bit by bit, the destruction of the solidarity that this country has been so proud of with the NHS," mourned the Liberal Democrat health spokesbeing, Norman Lamb, whose principled resignation from ministerial office over the Bullingdon Club's vandalism of the NHS was one of the moral highlights of the coalition in a universe slightly less cretinous than this one. The medical director for NHS England in Yorkshire and Humber has written a letter supporting management of resources "for the benefit of all patients" by forcing smokers and the obese to wait longer for hip or knee surgery. Those denied such surgery can suffer severe pain, as they deserve, and have trouble walking, which means they will burn off the calories that much more efficiently as they hobble towards their foie gras from the food bank.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Social Disease

As the Christian state of Arkansas bags itself another nigrah four minutes before the death warrant was due to expire, researchers have discovered that legally-sanctioned death by medication may have adverse consequences for real people. The drugs which are used for lethal injections are also used for curing taxpayers, and some have fallen into short supply; at least four death-penalty states, including the Christian state of Arkansas, are hoarding them. In a particularly deplorable lapse of American values, one of the country's largest pharmaceutical suppliers is suing the Christian state of Arkansas to prevent the use of drugs which the company says were obtained by state officials under false pretences. Although they claimed to be re-stocking prison hospitals, these angels of mercy were hiding their virtue under a bushel: in fact the drugs were to be held against the day when they might be required to provide closure for grieving relatives and show whining liberal snowflakes what God's justice really means.

Friday, April 21, 2017

No More Black on the Union Jack

More than three decades after the sainted Thatcher crushed the saboteurs of the Enemy Within, Britain is set to declare final victory over the pernicious national disease that has plagued the country since the start of the Industrial Revolution. The National Grid has predicted that the first working day without coal power generation is nigh; and the last coal-fired power station is due to close in a few years under the rubric of meeting the Government's climate change commitments. Other symptoms of the Government's interest in meeting its climate change commitments include abolishing the relevant ministry; cosying up to the Trumpster, who does not believe in climate change; and appointing drooling imbeciles like Owen Paterson and Andrea Leadsom to the Department for Environment, Floods and Whatever. The true significance of Britain's first coal-free day is much happier, more glorious, more far-reaching and patriotic. With the rise of new and sustainable energy sources such as Russian gas and blanched radioactive Franco-Chinese pachyderms, the nation is finally at liberty to march towards a future that is free from the centuries-long moral stain of reliance on uppity coal-miners.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Criminal Psychology

In a kingdom as prosperous and united as our own, it is sometimes necessary for human resources to flexibilitise their starvation-avoidance functionality. Hence teachers are required to spy out Muslims for the security services, GPs are ordered to double up as border police, and the boys in blue themselves are now frequently required to cover for the mental health services which were cut to pieces by the Bullingdons and their little orange enablers. As Home Secretary, the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK presided over massive cutbacks in wasteful red tape (or sacking of experienced staff, in Standard English), thereby leaving the police in the best possible state to intervene where the tattered remnants of the hated public sector have unaccountably failed to prevent someone having a mental breakdown. The new commissioner of the Metropolitan Police has a vision of a force with fewer officers and more tasers, which certainly ought to help matters; particularly given that a dead paranoid schizophrenic is arguably even easier to defame than a dead immigrant electrician.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Spiritually Foreign

Given our great country's present parlous state, with almost half the population comprising saboteurs, enemies of the people, citizens of nowhere, non-white working classes and other metrosexual élites, it is surely an insult to Britishness that young Muslims have been approached on the subject of terrorism with anything other than an order to condemn and denounce. Nevertheless, a study has been carried out by a professor of criminology at Birmingham City University, and has risked provoking righteous wrath in the more united parts of the kingdom with its lack of democratic feeling. Rather than favouring hanging, flogging and other means of British law and order which have hitherto been forbidden by Euro-wog human rights lawyers, the survey's respondents favoured alien, Sharia-tainted measures such as reintegration and rehabilitation. One interviewee had the temerity to note that inflicting the stick without offering a carrot can lead to reoffending: an attitude which goes against everything the Ministry for Profitable Incarceration stands for. Others made the inevitable quasi-foreign complaints about wog-bombing, and worried about, of all things, a "lack of identity", as though the categories of suspected immigrant, suspected extremist or even brown person were somehow not good enough. Well, really, how un-British can one get?

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Her Promising Career

All Englishmen and lesser breeds
Can always look to me
As one who marches straight, and leads
With true consistency.

I have a mandate strong and bold;
I don't get in a flap,
And certainly will never hold
Elections that are snap.

Last year I joined with the campaign
To stay in the EU;
That we'd be better to Remain
Is certainly untrue.

Division cannot help but feed
The SNP infection,
And that is why we do not need
A general election.

I am convinced that workers should
Be given far more say;
I'm certain it would do no good
If they should get their way.

Some sixty million people all
Are with me, staunch and burly;
I have no need or wish to call
Elections that are early.

Humility, most Jesus-deep,
My vicar parent spurred:
No earthly thing is mine to keep -
Especially my word.

Verity Trumpette

Monday, April 17, 2017

An Expensive Place to Die

Some of the more buccaneering and entrepreneurial elements of the senior citizens disposal industry have been emulating Tin-Pot Tessie's favourite boot-boys. It will be remembered that those efficient people at G4S and Serco were caught charging the taxpayer for monitoring deceased miscreants; the care home industry has now adopted a similar business model by charging residents' families for accommodation after the residents have died. Some consumers ("relatives", in pre-family-values Oldspeak) are also being forced to subsidise shortfalls in state funding since the state, as a privileged client, is excused from funding the care of dead people so as to have more money to spend on their surveillance. As one would expect from caring people, the trade body for the senior citizens disposal industry defended the arrangement by stating that it was stipulated in the contracts. If care consumers are dissatisfied, they can always shop around; just try doing that in the Stalinist dystopia that is the hated public sector.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Dim Beginnings

In a rare instance of nearly joined-up thinking, the Government has claimed that it will double the funding it provides for fighting various tropical diseases. Given the Conservatives' general enthusiasm for runaway climate change, it makes sense to attack the vectors of such diseases before conditions at Westminster become conducive to their immigration. The instruments of our triumph over the pathogenic swarms will of course be those leading pharmaceutical companies which will soon be fleeing Britain thanks to the amputation of our biggest trading partner; and those world-class universities and researchers which the Conservatives have starved of funding and whose paying foreign students Tin-Pot Tessie and her minions are obsessed with kicking out. One cannot expect the Not Awfully Bright Party to join up too much thinking at once.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

What Can He Be Up To?

Experts on international relations continue to ponder the likely consequences of the present military posturing by a chubby mad-haired man-child in north-eastern Asia. Apparently motivated by parade envy, the infant has dispatched what he calls an armada, a term most famously used to refer to a sixteenth-century invasion fleet from the existential threat to Gibraltar. As the world's biggest nuclear power, with a record of destroying non-nuclear countries that is second to none, the United States is deeply concerned at the increasing ability of North Korea to bother fish in the Sea of Japan. The chubby mad-haired man-child is on record as implying that nuclear weapons are for using rather than for deterring; which makes Kim Jong-Un's obsession with military might all the more sinister and enigmatic.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Exercitia Spiritualia

Heresy-hunters in the Christian state of Kansas have sniffed out another threat to the faithful, namely the ancient, lurking evil that is yoga. The Benedictine College has just discovered that the practice includes not only bending and stretching exercises, but a spiritual dimension which is tainted with Eastern mysticism and comes highly recommended by the Beast himself. As always when the children of God permit themselves knowledge outside the purview of Mussolini's artificial city-state, hideous blasphemies and horrid apostasy can be the only possible result: "It is a mind and body practice developed under Hinduism, the goal of which is spiritual purification that will lead to a higher level of understanding and eventually union with the divine," shuddered the chancellor for the Archdiocese of Kansas City. Since the Catholic church has no truck with higher understanding or union with the divine, the Benedictine College is now encouraging its flock to seek out ways of bending and stretching their bodies without exercising their spirits.