We Happy Few

A Sanguinary Dialogue for Corpuscles

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
How's it going, lad?

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
We're beating them back, Sarge, but - oi! You civvies - get out of the way there!

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
What was that about?

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Bloody Reds getting in the way again.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Erythrocytes?

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Too bleeding right, Sarge. Look at them - there's an epidermal breach up there, so what do they do? Flock tofuckingwards it, that's what. Get away, you silly bastards.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
They can't help it, son. It's their nature.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
I know it's their nature, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Little biconcave disky bastards.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Bastards.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Bastards.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Bastards.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Bastards. Anyway, how can it be their nature? They belong here in the circulatory system, just like us.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Yes, but they're full of haemoglobin, aren't they. Makes them wild for oxygen. They can't resist it. As long as the system's secure they'll go with the flow, pick it up at Respiratory Central and drop it off wherever it's needed; but you let that old epidermis get breached and see what happens.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
But what does happen? I mean, once they get out there?

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
According to their religion, they die in ecstasy and their souls go to the Liver for rebirth.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
The Liver?

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
The Heavenly Hepatic Portal, they call it. Daft if you ask me.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Bastards.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Bastards.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Bastards. Makes you wonder why we bother.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Now, lad - none of that. It's a dirty filthy job we do, but somebody's got to do it and that somebody is us. Without us, the whole system would collapse.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Where's the fucking Platelets got to, that's what I'd like to know. Help us seal that breach and stop the Germs getting in.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Seen any Germs, have you?

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Just a couple, Sarge. The lads got them proper.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
No trouble?

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Well, Binty scoffed a big one and had a bit of indigestion afterwards, but he's all right now.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Good. Here come the antibodies. Should be an end to this nonsense now.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Hang on, Sarge - here comes another one -

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Incoming!

GERM
Brrarp!

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Blimey, he's a nasty one. Anchors tattooed on his cilia and all.

GERM
Nyah nyah nyaaah nyah! Yuuuuurgh!

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
The antibodies don't seem to be having much effect on him.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Game little buggers, though, aren't they.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
What's that they're yelling?

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Dunno. Sounds like Banzai or something. They always shout it when they're on the squeeze.

GERM
Brrrarrgh!

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Well, they're not squeezing that one, are they? He just belches and they drop over. Look, there goes another lot.

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Quaaah, no fucking wonder. Belch like that would lower property values in Rectum Gulch. I think we'd better help out.

GERM
Cumanavagowiffyeffinkyerardenuf!

FIRST PHAGOCYTE
Summon up the blood, Corporal.

SECOND PHAGOCYTE
Right you are, Sarge. Come on lads - once more unto the breach.