Whatever Happened to the Freedom of the Seas?

Patriots dismayed at seven years of Brexit backsliding will find little reassurance in the latest act of wokeness by the Ministry for Wog Disposal. Removal of some swarming hordes to a prison hulk has been delayed through, of all things, Health and Safety. Forty invaders will remain in their current luxury accommodation until unelected officials complete fire checks, despite the Grenfellesque potential for economising on compensation when the survivors lack even that purely honorary association with the master race that befits a low-income ethnic in the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea, and despite the incandescent Britishness of burning human refuse while it floats in sewage.

Pragmatic Moderation in Bipartisan Veracity

In a rare instance of joined-up planning, the Department for Motorists, Limousines and Helicopters seems set to match Britain's future lack of railway staff with a corresponding lack of railways. Despite being in the charge of Grant Shapps, Michael Green, Sebastian Fox and Mark Harper the Racist Van Man, the HS2 rail project has been declared unachievable along with Fishy Rishi's Starmer-style pledges on tree-hugging. Fortunately, unachievable pledges tend to be less of a problem when they also happen to be insincere.

Let Down Again

Once the strutting Caudillo emeritus of the Farage Falange and his co-religionists in the Parliamentary Conservative Party have finished setting the banking system to rights, there seems a distinct moral imperative that they should turn their patriotic attention to Britain's continuing membership of the Euro-wog Space Agency. With unmitigated gall, the ESA has compelled a British-born satellite to take on a foreign descent, despite the said satellite being so clearly and characteristically British as to be defunct. Were it not that the master race has its hands full administering lessons in sovereign decency to the beastly Russians and the Heathen Chinee, such an act of terroristic sabotage would surely be considered an act of war. Even the manner of the satellite's demise was deliberately engineered to avoid damage to people or property, and therefore a calculated insult to the traditional world-beating attributes of crashes made in Britain.

But Was It Tough Enough?

Deterring crime with ever longer sentences in ever harsher conditions is, of course, a particular decency of our great Nation, whose return to the populist glories of public hanging and flogging is prevented largely by its basic and fundamental lack of democracy. Nevertheless, an enemy of the people has taken it upon himself to imply that a prison in which a teenager can give birth alone and untended, and lose the child, is in some way none too soft. The coroner rebuked the prison and the local NHS privatisation trust for having no plan to deal with the labour and for providing no professional standard of midwifery, while making no allowance for the needless expense that such luxuries would have entailed. He also noted a "national absence of policies and pathways for pregnant women in custody," while the usual extremists were quick to proclaim that some people should hardly be locked up at all. Such libels are all the more unpatriotic in that, besides being so deficient in family values as to be a care-leaver, the miscreant had confessed to robbery and is of the Windrush race, which for the purposes of British justice makes her practically an asylum seeker.

Bad Etymology

Chum, n. conflation of chump and scum, a rancid slick of dead flesh and blood for the purpose of baiting lower creatures; hence a friend and ally from an English private school.

Tory, n. from Latin taurus and qualitative suffix -y, someone characterised by bull.

Inflation Conquered

Despite the chance of setting a dangerous international precedent for the suppression of media scrutiny, the Conservatives have reduced the price of covering their annual rah-and-blah to an amount only slightly in excess of what the experience is likely to be worth. Charges of between £137 and £880 were imposed last year for the privilege of practising journalism upon the Party conference, leading media organisations to complain that lesser breeds may, as usual, take a moral lesson from Global Britain's mother of democracies. There will now be no charge for media attendance at the Götterdämmerung, which is likely to make four October days in Manchester an even more luminous prospect than it sounds.

More Sunlight for the Uplands

Nine million people in England will either be paying healthier rates of insurance or else become a self-solving problem within the next decade and a half, according to a report by the Health Foundation. A rise in chronic diseases caused largely by "poor housing, unemployment, poor food and air quality" and other things our lords and masters don't much care about will coincide with the effects of the climate catastrophe and the final, much-heralded and overwhelmingly voted-for demise of the hated National Health Service. The deserving will survive and prosper and buoy up the average life expectancy; the poor will suffer and die, washed out of the world upon a cleansing wave of finger-wagging lectures about their work-life balance while rejoicing with their betters that there aren't so many wogs about these days. Nevertheless, the Health Foundation descends so far into communistic fanaticism as to suggest, if you please, a long-term plan, apparently on the dubious assumption that real people might find this state of affairs undesirable.

Significant Progress, Considering

Despite several years of internal turmoil, the Conservative Party has managed to preserve its venerable tradition of morally acceptable racism: a tradition unsullied even in the impressive diversity of a Cabinet united only by Sunakian greed, Bravermaniac meanness and Cleverlyesque stupidity. The more liberal factions of the Party have few objections to Muslims in their place, as witness Toby "the Brain" Ellwood's recent rah-rah for the Taliban; but such moderate and sensible perspectives are not always greeted with enthusiasm, and a token report on Islamophobia appears, despite all good intentions, to have been lost amid the noise. The Party still has no formal procedures for handling discrimination by the deserving, and even when sanctions are imposed there is no particular interest in enforcing them, to the vast surprise of everyone whose capacity for observing the obvious approaches the journalistic.

Something Very Wrong

In the increasingly likely-looking event that Team Starmer succeeds in taking over Britain's Conservative government, the city of Milan need look for no diplomatic favours. The mayor of Milan has explicitly condoned the fiend Khan's ultra-low emissions zone, thereby openly defying the Leader's pronunciamento that the London mayor lost the Uxbridge by-election and brought the Labour Party into disrepute by wilfully and deliberately persisting with a policy the Conservatives disliked. The mayor of Milan has further undercut Team Starmer's ongoing defeat of its party activists by advocating, of all things, investment in public transport; and he even had the nerve to mention working together, as though Team Starmer's promise to keep Britain safe from the clutches of Strasbrussels were of hardly greater worth than one of its long since memory-holed sensible pledges. Clearly the mayor of Milan would do well to meditate upon his moral faults as the fiend Khan has already been instructed, lest his city too fall under the dreaded sway of uncosted antisemitism.

Better Banking for Fiscal Freedom

Good may yet come of evil in the distressing case featuring the strutting Caudillo emeritus of the Farage Falange and his cancellation by minions of the woke remainer establishment. The great man's account at Coutts was closed because there wasn't enough money in it, and insult was added to injury with the offer of an ordinary person's account at NatWest. Internal documents then emerged alleging that His Exalted Britishness held, of all things, "xenophobic, chauvinistic and racist views" which were incompatible with the values of the financial sector. Ready as ever to accommodate itself upon the instant to the Dear Leader's whimsies and whinges, the Treasury proposes to compel banks to spell out the reasons why they are closing an account, thereby creating a fairer playing field for fraudsters, money launderers and other potential Conservative donors. The relevant legislation is unlikely to see the back of a Government envelope until the House of Expenses Claimants returns from its two-month holiday; but Fishy Rishi and Chancellor Chunt will no doubt be eager to expedite the matter, thanks to their usual overriding concern with free speech, financial probity and sheer disinterested benevolence.

Bad Etymology

Convention, n. (Middle High Business English) from Latin con together, and Middle French vent wind, hence a commercial and/or political gathering of blowhards.

Presbyopia, n. from Latin presbyter priest, and -opia vision; hence a natural disinclination to see what is in front of one's own eyes.

Undiplomatic Language

In a further symptom of how far adrift from the mainland the Continent has become, the beastly Euro-wogs appear to have forgotten who won yet another war. Not only have they conspired with some uppity purveyors of black ingratitude to produce a declaration using the Argentine words for the Falkland Islands, but their travesty of a text gave the enemy name priority over the real one. It might almost be thought that the Strasbrussels dictatorship had some sort of point to make about the idiocy of a small archipelago pretending to have closer ties with a country on the other side of the world than with its immediate neighbours on the same lump of continental shelf. As one would expect, the blasphemy elicited squeals of outrage from Global Britain: "The UK is not part of the EU. They are upset by the use of the word Malvinas," an unelected bureaucrat eurosplained with galling realism. "If they were in the EU perhaps they would have pushed back against it." Somehow, goodness knows how, the legitimate sovereignty of the master race over both Europe and the Caribbean seems still to be eluding the lesser breeds on both sides of the Atlantic.

Boys Will Be Boys, Or Else

Now that trans-bashing is taking its rightful place as the new queer-bashing, it seems particularly unkind of the Association of School and College Leaders to pester Fishy Rishi for guidance just because they've already been waiting five years; let alone because Fishy Rishi once pledged in an unguarded moment that he would provide it. Torn as ever between the need for stability and the need to ugly-up the culture wars, the Government has developed a sudden squeamishness over tormenting transgender children without proper evidence, or at least without the guaranteed backing of a few more Party baboons; and as one would expect, the minister for equalities is greatly concerned lest certain pronouns be treated more equally than others. The head of the Association of School and College Leaders has demanded, of all things, clear, practical guidance on whether tale-telling and birth gender should be enforced in schools, thereby demonstrating the usual teacherly insensitivity to the dilemmas of real people with helicopters and swimming pools to look after.

Among Thieves

Archaeological treasures sent by Israel to the USA during the Trumpster presidency have vanished into the black hole that is the great man's private toilet-paper library in Florida. The ancient artefacts were not even used for their intended purpose of augmenting a White House event, after concerns emerged that they had been acquired in accordance with British Museum values (looted, in Standard English) from occupied Palestine. Their return was delayed by the pandemic, and after that they somehow ended up as house-guests of the Trumpster and his head-tribble. Much as the ancient Philistines were occasionally pressed into ill-paid service as instruments of the divine wrath against the wayward Hebrews, so it seems the Trumpster been suffered to perform a similar chastisement upon the Righteous State. It remains as yet unclear whether the epitome of present-day philistinism will receive a suitably Biblical reward.

Throats Cleared in Long Grass

To his many and varied derelictions against democracy, truth, good taste, and chaste British womanhood, the National Johnson has added the unforgivable sin: namely that of treating the House of Lords as a rest-home for used-up sycophants and a repository for well-disposed inquiry-mongers, even though it is actually something or other a good deal more dignified, actually. A committee of noble lords has expressed righteous indignation that the National Johnson did not behave more like his glistening pink Bullingdon Club chum and prime-ministerial predecessor, whose sense of the upper house's dignity was such that he personally ennobled his private hairdresser. The committee's report also worries that little more than a fifth of peers are affiliated to Labour, which may cause Team Starmer some difficulties in the event that, as slightly more than nobody now anticipates, it attempts to enact non-Conservative policies once in office. Fortunately for the dignity of Parliament, Team Starmer has pledged to abolish unelected peers, which means that Team Starmer has hinted that it will appoint more unelected peers to force through its wage-freezing, migrant-bashing, climate-crashing agenda. Meanwhile, the committee has offered several helpful suggestions.

Slanted Investments

Is there no limit to the insidous, treacherous cunning of the Heathen Chinee? A bank set up by the general secretary of the Chinese Communist Party has been found, amid the consternation of the master race, to be acting in the interests of the Chinese Communist Party. Such unauthorised exercise of soft power by the Yellow Peril has elicited squeals of moral outrage from straight-dealing gentlemen like Baron Patten of Barnes, who has never really felt that his position as the last Imperial Governor of Hong Kong gained him quite the obeisance he is due from the lesser breeds. Even so, given the bank's purchase, apparently in the name of credibility, of Britain's glistening pink ex-Head Boy and one of his more ludicrous Liberal Democrat fags, it appears that the Chinese Communist Party is either much more or much less subtle than it has hitherto been given credit for.

Bad Etymology

Imperial, adj. (Middle High British), from Latin im- not, and per through: a system of measurements which has not been properly thought out.

Solvent, adj. from Latin sol sun, and Middle French vent an aperture; hence a chink of light in fiscal darkness. Possibly related to solution, n. from Latin solutus loose: change or saving which needs only a rainy day to dissolve.

Jolly Good Chums

A corrupt authoritarian state with a history of military aggression and a violent loathing of dissent has invited the crown prince of Westminster's favourite head-chopping fundamentalist theocracy for a cosy chat and a bit of a snigger about tree-huggers. On the fifth anniversary of Jamal Khashoggi's chastisement, Mohammed bin Salman and Fishy Rishi will doubtless have a good deal to talk about, such as the relative merits of decapitation and indefinite imprisonment when dealing with journalists of an insufficiently fascistic persuasion. Also high on the agenda will be commiserations over the sabotage of a British arms deal by the beastly Euro-wogs: BAE Systems sold forty-eight jets for peacekeeping duties in Yemen, but apparently failed to take into account that a third of Eurofighter components are manufactured in Europe (if only the Strasbrussels dictatorship had thought to put some sort of clue in the name), where some people take a less constructive attitude than Global Britain to the ongoing Saudi rampage.

Struck Out

Enemies of the people have once more conspired to subvert the entrepreneurial Britishness of the sunlit uplands. The high court has quashed measures brought in by Calamity Kwarteng, who was Minister for Profiteering at the time, to undermine the right to strike. Kwarteng was told that the policy would be of negligible benefit in the short term and probably counter-productive, and therefore pressed ahead, apparently out of a burning moral urge to protect the public against members of the public. The high court judgement acknowledges that, as befits the fiscal clown of the La Truss régime, Kwarteng showed little interest in mere evidence, disdained to consult anyone who might complicate the issue with traitorous remainery wokishness, and in his general approach was "so unfair as to be unlawful and, indeed, irrational." Apparently the high court considers all this to be somehow disadvantageous, which demonstrates just how far out of touch with genuine British values it has become.

The Empire's Old Clothes

Yet again the Continent has cut itself off from British values by the persistent perverseness of its perfidy, with the beastly French hatching a treacherous plot against the rag trade. The government has announced a scheme forcing the taxpayer to subsidise repairs of clothes and shoes, thereby dangerosuly subverting the great capitalist principle of planned obsolescence which has already been dangerously undermined by Robespierrean interference in the restaurant industry. Once again, Britons will be grateful that independence from the Strasbrussels dictatorship was achieved in time to liberate the master race for its world-beating crusade to save the environment through fossil fuel extraction.

Proud Maritime Traditions

Given the roaring fiscal success that attended both the Osbornomic poor-bashing spree and the war of independence against the beastly Euro-wogs, few except journalists will be surprised to find His Majesty's Government once again claiming to reduce the taxpayer's burden while in fact pursuing goals less crassly materialistic. The plan, if plan is the word I want, to pack asylum seekers onto prison hulks will save less than ten pounds a day per invader assuming any docks can be found, according to a couple of NGOs of the kind Team Starmer will probably want to ban. The horde-huggers also worry that those who suffered trauma from travelling on small boats may be further traumatised by being kept in limbo on a large boat; and they even suggest that the costs of confinement might better be spent on, of all things, employing people to process more claims. Adding to the British decency of the affair is the fact that the barge hired by the Ministry for Wog Disposal was used on at least three voyages by the Atlantic slave trade; the vessel's owners claim that the criminal swarms "will be provided with a quality, comfortable and safe place to stay" and "treated with care and dignity," although it remains as yet unclear whether the Minister for Richard Desmond and Child-Catcher fanboy Robert Jenrick has been consulted on the matter.

It's Hardly the ECHR, After All

Among the few international treaty obligations which the master race still recognises is, as one would expect, the Energy Charter Treaty, which was set up to protect energy profiteers in the former USSR from the public interest and now allows corporations to sue any government which dares to prioritise dealing with the climate emergency over the whims of private profit. Despite this, unelected officials are urging the Government to withdraw from the treaty, even though the beastly Euro-wogs have already announced their intention to do the same. In the great British tradition of treating brain-haemorrhages with sticking plaster, His Majesty's Government has been squeaking about "reform" of the treaty, while busily undermining its own pitifully puny climate targets. Whether any new progress will be prompted by the resignation of the ludicrous little racist Baron Goldsmith of Richmond Park remains as yet all too clear.

Bad Etymology

Migrant, n. from megrim a headache or a whimsy, borrowed from Middle French migraigne a headache, ultimately from Latin hemicrania half of the head; hence a capricious provoker of noisy one-sided discussion.

Opinion, n. from oh and pinion, a process of mental confinement by means of verbal exclamation.

Relative Piety

After only a couple of millennia, the mills of God have seemingly ground one or two Christians into the vague realisation that the term "Our Father" may be thought by some to exude a certain subtle whiff of patriarchy. The Archbishop of York hinted at the discovery during a blah-and-burble at the General Synod, and immediately became embroiled in the usual brotherly negotiations between bigotry and hypocrisy when the chair (or unrepentant chairman, as he may prefer to be known) of a conservative faction squealed that some church leaders were "taking their cues from culture rather than scripture." As a critque of "liberal" Christianity and its mealy-mouthed moral maunderings, this can hardly be gainsaid: the Bible states unequivocally that God created Adam first, in His own image, and male, and that Jesus unequivocally endorsed the Mosaic law with its unequivocal subordination of women to the status of property. It's true that the Saviour rather flippantly proclaimed that souls in Heaven are sexless like the angels; but it surely never occurred to Him that the eternal Dear Leaders of the holy hierarchy might be anything other than a Father, a Son and a dozen male Jews. By the same token, the more Christlike members of the Church's hypocritical wing may perhaps profitably speculate as to whether those who claim to take their cue from Scripture really do spend much time wandering the earth, dressed in garments made of only one fabric and without carrying a change of clothes, preaching the Apocalypse and performing conjuring tricks.

Another Winner

Since the Labour Party exists to win elections and not to keep the planet habitable, it should surprise nobody that, regarding the matter of fulfilling Britain's pitifully inadequate international obligations on the climate emergency, Team Starmer once more agrees with the Conservatives. Although communistic non-governmental organisations have responded with crypto-antisemitic indignation, the only really noteworthy aspect of Labour's refusal to risk offending Supreme Leader Rupert and the Rothermere Daily Stürmer was that it took a full week after the hottest June on record for the full extent of front-bench abjection to make itself apparent. Hard-working families with well-mannered children will no doubt rejoice that Labour voters, like one or two other inhabitants of the Earth, have nowhere else to go.

For the Birds

Alongside his famously no-nonsense attitude to human welfare, Mr Churchill's great contemporary Adolf Hitler took a deep and sincere interest in the welfare of ravens and lobsters, and the present master race has adopted a similar benignant perspective. Far-right cadres who think nothing of starving employees out of public service and deporting refugees to Rwanda are giving the rah-rah to a national policy for the accommodation of swifts. The bird's numbers have fallen because of the catastrophic decline in flying insects, so in the absence of any intention to tackle that problem a hollow brick in every home is considered a suitable compromise. Conservatives are no doubt attracted by the argument that the rabble have contributed to the loss of bird populations by living in non-crumbling, energy-efficient woke housing; though naturally the Government is taking the more pragmatic and grown-up view that local authorities shuld be allowed to boycott environmental measures if nothing else.

Reliable as Ever

With characteristically unconstructive pessimism, unelected bureaucrats have warned that should His Majesty's Government persist with plans to subject a major pledge on climate action to the Team Starmer treatment, Britain's moral ascendancy over the lesser breeds may suffer adverse consequences. Since the Ministry for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets has denied any plans to renege on yet more of the country's international agreements, there is obviously every reason to believe that the Government intends reneging on yet more of the country's international agreements; and civil servants have suggested a variety of cheap dodges and petty swindles to ensure that the process reflects the values of Britain today. However, even this grudging acquiescence has been diluted with unpatriotic claims that wogs, woggettes and their innocent little woglings may no longer look up to the master race as their paternal superior. With their simple minds and short memories, they may all too quickly forget the straight shooter of Iraq and Afghanistan, the liberator of Libya, the saviour of Syria, the benefactor of Diego Garcia, the compassionate haven of refugees, and the most refined among that cultural élite which draws some sort of distinction between public service and profiteering, and even between rivers and sewers. Fortunately, Oliver Dowden said today in the House of Expenses Claimants that the UK is a reliable partner on climate; which should settle the matter once and for all.

Testy Match

Someone of an unsporting persuasion once remarked that the great thing about cricket was its being such a crashing bore most of the time that one can occasionally get quite worked up when something actually happens. An event of sorts appears to have occurred at Lord's, where an England batsman's legal dismissal was followed by a voluble outbreak of British sportsmanship against the Australian victors. The captain of the England team proclaimed that he wouldn't want to win a match by dismissing a professional cricketer who couldn't tell whether a ball was in play, and Fishy Rishi duly parroted the sentiment. Few among the master race will be surprised to hear that the Prime Minister has no particular interest in winning within the rules; but the matter has now been taken up by the Australian prime minister although, since neither La Truss nor the National Johnson is still in office, any danger to the Grand Pacific Alliance against the Heathen Chinee seems thus far comparatively remote. Utilising the primary-school vernacular which the wider world has learned to employ in dealing with the modern Conservative and Unionist Party, Anthony Albanese advised Fishy Rishi to "stay in [his] crease," although it remains as yet unclear which particular pair of scabby, flabby, haemorrhoidal buttocks encloses the fissure in question.

Bad Etymology

Democracy, n. from Anglo-Norman demi- half and Greek -kratia power; hence a political process or system that underperforms by design.

Politics, n. from pole a point of magnetic focus, and tic an involuntary movement or vocalisation; hence the business of attracting and leading hearts and mouths.

Leading on Bluster

It appears that our increasingly unreliable planet has reached so profound a state of unreality that a thing can be true even when Zac Goldsmith has been saying it. A ridiculous little racist who once campaigned for mayor of London by telling the city's Hindus that Sadiq Khan was a Muslim terrorist hell-bent on stealing their bling, Goldsmith was rebuked for trying to undermine the Commons privileges committee's inquiry into the National Johnson; whereupon he suddenly noticed the past thirteen years of Government enthusiasm for exacerbating the climate emergency and flounced out of office on a voice-of-the-people verbiage dump. With his usual adroitness, Fishy Rishi has countered the charge by reneging on plans to resume building onshore windfarms, which were banned eight years ago by Britain's glistening pink Head Boy in one of his pre-referendum panderings to the far right. Almost significantly less than a decade later, a few vague qualms are starting to break out among Conservative MPs, though more on the grounds of wounded patriotism than of mere looming environmental catastrophe. Ukraine has installed nine and a half times more turbines than England since the Russians went in, which may possibly have contributed to dawning suspicions that - even taking into account its plucky defiance of invading small boats - Global Britain no longer seems quite the world-beater that it was when Mr Churchill won the war.

Some Peacemakers Are More Equal Than Others

As joint protectors of the peace and guardians of the world order against the insidious incursions of the Heathen Chinee, Japan and the USA have signed an agreement linking the city of Hiroshima's peace park with a memorial to the bombing of Pearl Harbor. In fact, the city has been linked with Pearl Harbor since President Obama's visit seven years ago, which was reciprocated with a visit by Shinzo Abe, a hard-right re-armament advocate and fully paid-up member of the Pacific Anti-Chinese League, with an illustrious family background in war crimes denial. Though comparatively few Americans will be uncomfortable with the implication that one US serviceman is worth sixty Japanese civilians, survivors of Little Boy's glorious victory have expressed annoyance at the idea that a military assault on a naval base is somehow equivalent to the destruction of an entire city in a country which had been offering to surrender for three months previously. Representatives of the hibakusha have even gone so far as to call the Hiroshima bombing indiscriminate, despite its deliberate careful and near-exclusive targeting of civilians.