Our Glorious Dead

Thrifty Dialogue for Penny-Pinchers

DOUGLAS
Good day, sir.

EBENEZER
Good day.

DOUGLAS
And a merry Christmas. Only forty shopping days left, sir.

EBENEZER
Good day.

DOUGLAS
Would you care to purchase a poppy, sir?

EBENEZER
A what?

DOUGLAS
A poppy, sir. A token of remembrance for the fallen and a means of support for their dependents.

EBENEZER
A poppy?

DOUGLAS
Yes, sir. Assembled by crippled veterans from all Britain's most honourable campaigns.

EBENEZER
These assemblages of paper and plastic are assembled by veterans?

DOUGLAS
Indeed, sir.

EBENEZER
And the veterans are paid for this work?

DOUGLAS
Indeed they are, sir.

EBENEZER
By whom?

DOUGLAS
By the Royal British Legion, sir. I founded it myself, after the Great War to End War, as a precautionary provision for future contingencies.

EBENEZER
You wanted something other than Third Ypres on your tombstone, I take it.

DOUGLAS
We won in the end. That is what these poppies commemorate. Would you care to purchase one, sir?

EBENEZER
If the veterans can assemble these things, can they not assemble something more useful? Munitions, perhaps?

DOUGLAS
The manufacture of munitions has become increasingly automated.

EBENEZER
Then can you not also automate the manufacture of poppies, and save the trouble and expense of paying cripples to do inefficiently what a machine can do better?

DOUGLAS
But what of their dependents?

EBENEZER
Is there no life insurance?

DOUGLAS
Indeed there is, sir.

EBENEZER
Are there no pension plans?

DOUGLAS
Most certainly.

EBENEZER
Then let the brave defenders of our glorious way of life avail themselves of these advantages before they go abroad, and should misfortune occur all will still be well with them.

DOUGLAS
Do you not think they deserve better - a home for heroes to live in?

EBENEZER
There is nothing heroic about merely doing what one is told. Surely the words of Nelson have not been forgotten - England expects that every man will do his duty. I do not recall that the Admiral promised anyone an improvement in living accommodation, yet Boney was duly beaten. Even during that monument to civilisation, the Great War to End War, the refusal to do as one was told was considered cowardly and even treasonous. Surely there is nothing heroic about merely failing to commit treason.

DOUGLAS
But the sacrifices were immense. I myself had to put up with the authority of Sir John French for an endless period of months before I succeeded in outflanking and defeating him.

EBENEZER
You seem to bear your combat injuries lightly enough.

DOUGLAS
I am British, sir.

EBENEZER
And so am I. I practise thrift and hard work, and I advise all your crippled veterans, and their dependents with them, to practise the same, rather than attempting to live on a charitable dole like so many single mothers. Have they no sense of dignity at all?

DOUGLAS
Indeed they do, sir. Many of them show their dignity to great advantage in the various photographic advertisements which the Royal British Legion has emplaced about the city.

EBENEZER
So you have sufficient money for advertisements, but in order to support your crippled heroes you must needs pester me?

DOUGLAS
Even a charity must cover its incidental expenses, sir.

EBENEZER
Good day.

DOUGLAS
Won't you purchase a poppy, sir?

EBENEZER
Good day.

DOUGLAS
Think of the children, sir.

EBENEZER
Good day.

DOUGLAS
And remember to observe two minutes' silence at eleven o'clock, sir. It reminds everybody who won, in case they've forgotten, and it does the widows and orphans a power of good. If you could see their honest faces -

EBENEZER
Good day.

DOUGLAS
Good day, sir.