Another Humble Day

Newsroom Dialogue for Proud Professionals

(The editorial office of a family newspaper. In the central trough an Editor wallows, humming off-key snatches of "Rule Britannia" and submerging to blow bubbles in the ordure when he can't remember the words. His labours are interruped by a mobile ringtone bleeping the theme from "Rupert the Bear".)

EDITOR: (snatching up phone) Cunt!
REPORTER: Noblett.
EDITOR: Cunt?
REPORTER: Massacre.
EDITOR: Yes!
REPORTER: Bomb.
EDITOR: Yes!
REPORTER: Shooty.
EDITOR: Yes!
REPORTER: Kids.
EDITOR: Yes!
REPORTER: Bad news.
EDITOR: Whafuck?
REPORTER: Oslo.
EDITOR: Whafuck?
REPORTER: Norway.
EDITOR: England?
REPORTER: Norway.
EDITOR: Mideast?
REPORTER: Norway.
EDITOR: USA?
REPORTER: Norway.
EDITOR: Scotland?
REPORTER: Norway.
EDITOR: Whafuck?
REPORTER: Europe.
EDITOR: Brussels?
REPORTER: Sorta.
EDITOR: Celebs dead?
REPORTER: Not much.
EDITOR: Brits hurt?
REPORTER: Not much.
EDITOR: Muslims?
REPORTER: Sorta.
EDITOR: Whafuck?
REPORTER: Not much.
EDITOR: How much?
REPORTER: Not.
EDITOR: Buildings?
REPORTER: Kiddy camp.
EDITOR: Compound?
REPORTER: Sorta.
EDITOR: Write it.
REPORTER: Front page?
EDITOR: Front page.
REPORTER: Pre-tits?
EDITOR: Pre-tits.
REPORTER: Pre-lotto?
EDITOR: Pre-tits.
REPORTER: Angle?
EDITOR: Usual.
REPORTER: Day Norway Forgot About Phone Hacking?
EDITOR: Norway's 9/11.
REPORTER: Gotcha.
EDITOR: Cunt. (Rings off, submerges and gurgles public-spiritedly)