The Miracle of Birth

A Dialogue for Protozoa

Warning: Explicit Reproductive Fission Scene

FIRST AMOEBA
Hello.

SECOND AMOEBA
Oh, hello! Didn't see you there. How've you been?

FIRST AMOEBA
Not bad. How about you?

SECOND AMOEBA
Oh, fine, fine.

FIRST AMOEBA
Have you seen Millie lately?

SECOND AMOEBA
You mean you haven't heard?

FIRST AMOEBA
Heard what?

SECOND AMOEBA
About Millie.

FIRST AMOEBA
Well, what about her?

SECOND AMOEBA
She split.

FIRST AMOEBA
Really? Where did she go?

SECOND AMOEBA
No, I mean she split. You know - the fission thing?

FIRST AMOEBA
What - Millie?

SECOND AMOEBA
Yes, Millie.

FIRST AMOEBA
We can't be talking about the same one.

SECOND AMOEBA
Millie.

FIRST AMOEBA
The Millie with the contractile vacuole?

SECOND AMOEBA
Millie.

FIRST AMOEBA
I don't believe it.

SECOND AMOEBA
It's a fact.

FIRST AMOEBA
You just never know, do you?

SECOND AMOEBA
Miracle of birth and all that.

FIRST AMOEBA
Amazing really.

SECOND AMOEBA
Amazing.

FIRST AMOEBA
Amazing.

SECOND AMOEBA
One minute there's one, and the next there's another.

FIRST AMOEBA
So now there's two Millies?

SECOND AMOEBA
Well, it's sort of hard to tell.

FIRST AMOEBA
They look a lot alike, I suppose.

SECOND AMOEBA
Well, they have the same mother and everything.

FIRST AMOEBA
Must be practically impossible to tell them apart.

SECOND AMOEBA
Easier now that they've split up.

FIRST AMOEBA
I can imagine.

SECOND AMOEBA
And of course, they're quite similar temperamentally, too.

FIRST AMOEBA
Well, Millie always was.

SECOND AMOEBA
That's what I always said.

FIRST AMOEBA
Ever thought of doing it yourself?

SECOND AMOEBA
Fission, you mean? No, never.

FIRST AMOEBA
Not once?

SECOND AMOEBA
Absolutely not. Makes me queasy just thinking about it.

FIRST AMOEBA
Queasy? It's the most natural thing in the world.

SECOND AMOEBA
I suppose.

FIRST AMOEBA
You take it from me. Cellular fission is as much a part of life as protein synthesis in the ribosomes.

SECOND AMOEBA
Yes, but all the diseases you can get nowadays...

FIRST AMOEBA
It's perfectly safe if you take precautions.

SECOND AMOEBA
What precautions?

FIRST AMOEBA
Well, if you're doing it in someone's intestine, make sure they're not gay or promiscuous.

SECOND AMOEBA
That's disgusting.

FIRST AMOEBA
Not at all. We must learn to control our excess of population. Too many amoebae spoil the chyme.

SECOND AMOEBA
Anyway, I'm a Catholic.

FIRST AMOEBA
I've often thought of doing it myself.

SECOND AMOEBA
Oh, for heaven's sake...

FIRST AMOEBA
I feel a meiosis coming on.

SECOND AMOEBA
Arthur - you stop that right now.

FIRST AMOEBA
Oooooooh!

SECOND AMOEBA
Oh God...

FIRST AMOEBA
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! (splits in two)

SECOND AMOEBA
Well, I hope you're pleased with yourself.

THIRD AND FOURTH AMOEBAE (in chorus)
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!