The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

A Good Citizen Questions Everything

Is your neighbour a terrorist? Does he behave suspiciously and meet strange people? Does he buy copious quantities of sugar, weedkiller, plastic explosive, apple pips or unknown substances? Does he look at things as if he wants to blow them up? Is he getting ready to nuke your children? If we work together we can defeat terror. Call 0898 STOPTURR for the information hotline and do your bit for society. All calls will be treated with strict confidence. Rewards.

Is your neighbour a yob? Does he behave suspiciously and meet strange people? Does he buy copious quantities of cigarettes, glue, drugs, chewing gum or unknown substances? Does he look at you as if he wants to mug you? Has he just been released from prison, a psychiatric hospital, the armed forces or a turn on reality television? Is he getting ready to assault your daughter? Has he got a tattoo? Call 0898 STOPYOBS for the information hotline and do your bit for society. All calls will be confidently treated. Rewards.

Is your neighbour a personality disorder? Does he behave suspiciously and not meet enough people for your liking? Does he buy objects of which you disapprove for purposes of which you are not entirely certain? Does he look at you in an irrational and potentially violent manner? Has he just been released from prison, a psychiatric hospital, the armed forces or a turn on reality television? Is he getting ready to burn down your house, chop your entire family into small pieces and then cop an insanity plea and live out his natural life in the luxury hotel that is Broadmoor? Does he smell bad or mutter to himself? Call 0898 STOPNUTS for the information hotline and do your bit for society. All treats will be strictly confident. Rewards.

Is your neighbour an asylum seeker? Does he live in conditions of animal overcrowding despite being given near-luxury housing at the taxpayer's expense? Do he and his people jabber loudly in a foreign language? Do they look at you as though you were the intruder in your own country and not them? Do you think they might be about to kidnap your dog or your baby for food? Call 0898 STOPWOGS for the information hotline and do your bit for society. All constrictions will be fiddled a treat. Rewards.

Is your neighbour? Does he? Do they? Have they? Should they? Will they? Might they? Might they not? Rewards. Do you think? Are you worried? Are you afraid? Do you wish? Rewards. Take precautions. Lock your windows. Keep close to a telephone at all times. Call the information hotline and do your bit for society. Rewards. Call with confidence. Be strict. Rewards. We'll look after the treatment.

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