The Curmudgeon


Thursday, September 22, 2005

Campaign History

An extract

Indeed, following Nigel Witherspoon's disastrous attempt, a formal complaint had been made to the local authorities, with the result that the use of elastic bands has been forbidden by city ordinance ever since.

Undeterred by such measures, the Association continued its efforts to gain international recognition, and an important step towards this goal was achieved by Lavinia McGurk of Muckle-on-the-Marsh in Buckinghamshire, who between June and November of that year wrote six hundred and fourteen thousand letters to her Member of Parliament, the Conservative Edwin Upsnoddle. The longest of these letters, which arrived at Upsnoddle's surgery on 22 October, was sixty-three pages long and resulted in his secretary being taken away in a van without any windows at the back. Finally, Upsnoddle agreed to meet with Lavinia McGurk and her colleagues, and in January he asked a question in Parliament.

Despite this encouraging development, the reputation of Lavinia McGurk's group suffered something of a setback when three of its members were found ritually disembowelled at the side of the M4 motorway. Several drivers registered concern at the sight of various intestines strewn about the place, and one or two even telephoned the emergency services under the impression that something serious had occurred. That particular stretch of the M4 had always suffered from an unfortunate reputation, owing to the notorious seventeen-year roadworks at Allsopp Gulch and the unfortunate outbreak of bubonic plague at the Little Chef barely half a mile away.

Fortunately, Lavinia McGurk's intestines were not among those found draped across the road signs or interwoven with the traffic cones at Allsopp Gulch; and so her tireless campaigning continued anew. A certain amount of unfortunate publicity became attached to the Association's besieging of Edwin Upsnoddle's pied-รก-terre in Brixton, especially as several expensive windows were broken when some of the more zealous members attempted a forcible entry; but shortly after that Upsnoddle was crucified on his own front lawn and the ruffled feathers were effectively smoothed.

Meanwhile, Nigel Witherspoon had recovered from some of his lighter injuries and was trying to pay his medical bills by touring the country with a travelling fair. Witherspoon, who owing to his fragile physical condition had to stay in an airtight tank lined with feather pillows, had a special transparent container constructed so that people could view him as he underwent convalescence encased in emollient jelly. He made a considerable amount of money in this fashion, although his agent claimed that the constant travelling caused thickening of the jelly and consequent delays in the mending of his kneecaps, sinuses, and liver.


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