The Curmudgeon


Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Artificial News

Rumours are afoot among the Heathen Chinee about plans to illuminate the city of Chengdu at night by means of an artificial satellite rather than conventional streetlights. The speculation appears to be newsworthy mainly on the grounds that the potential satellite is being compared to the moon, which is, as we know, American property. While the plans' feasibility and progress remain as yet unclear, the rumours are at least cogent enough to be patronised in Britain's leading liberal newspaper, whose correspondent apparently believes that artificial and fake are synonyms (cf. fake light, fake fibres, etc.), but does know how to trawl an archive for precedents: a frequently elusive skill in leading liberal journalists when it comes to wars, massacres and other colour stuff.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Astronomical Gains

We are all aware, because the parliamentary wing of the Farage Falange never tires of informing us, that our approaching independence from the Euro-wogs will mean liberty to trade with the whole world - a market which the Brusso-Strasbourgian axis has doubtless never even considered, being too busy strangling us with red tape and persecuting the innocent likes of Viktor Orbán. However, it seems the wider implications of Britain's new freedom to trade are still to be properly appreciated in all their cosmic magnitude. Although the research has been done by mere experts and is therefore subject to the usual legitimate doubts on grounds of patriotism, orders from Rupert Murdoch or simple stupidity, it is thought that collisions between neutron stars are flooding the universe with such marketable elements as gold, platinum and uranium. Our bracingly abrupt self-ejection from European scientific research programmes will of course give us a vital edge in exploiting this immense resource, particularly given the present Cabinet's high quota of extraterrestrial specimens. The risk of glutting the markets and causing prices to drop will also be well within our control, since it should be a simple matter to prevent overproduction. All that will be necessary is to prevent too many collisions, presumably at ministerial level by interposing between each pair of neutron stars a high-flying obstacle even denser than themselves.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Humane Intervention

Remembrance Sunday, particularly in a centenary year, must be among the more stressful events in the calendar of Her Majesty's Government. There is rah-rah to be organised, there are heretics to be criticised, and all dutiful citizens are required to maintain a proper degree of vigilance in denouncing any public figure who fails our forces in thought, word or poppy. Fortunately, the Ministry for Wog-Bombing and Telling Russia What's What has been considerate enough to try and lighten the burden, at least with regard to the festival's ostensible purpose of remembering the victims of war. Last year, partly to demonstrate the disapproval of Her Majesty's Government for head-chopping Islamic fundamentalists who don't happen to belong to the House of Saud, and partly to show that Britain's status as Washington's vassal remains unaffected by mere geopolitical reality, the Royal Air Force rained down security and stability upon the Syrian city of Raqqa. However, in over two hundred opportunities it managed to avoid harming a single civilian, whether because British bombs can distinguish terrorists from nice people or because the RAF limited its activities to property damage. This of course means that the work of remembrance on Remembrance Sunday has been correspondingly reduced, leaving all the more time out of the two minutes to concentrate on the important things.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Bad Theology

Text for today: Luke 17 v-vi

The apostles ask Jesus to increase their faith; Jesus responds that if they had faith like a grain of mustard seed, they could order a mulberry tree to be uprooted and planted in the sea, and the tree would obey.

Jesus implies that the faith which the apostles have is less than the amount required to perform miracles. Jesus here explicitly equates faith with power: those who believe in Him are permitted to uproot and destroy in HIs name, while those who lack such belief have only themselves to blame if they are unable to wreak havoc by similar means. Nevertheless, since their Father knows what His children need before they ask for it (Matthew 6 viii) but refuses to grant the apostles' request through His Son, God has evidently decided that, for the elect at least, a faith smaller than a grain of mustard seed is enough to be going on with.

Jesus has previously (Luke 13 xviii-xix) compared the kingdom of Heaven to a grain of mustard seed which a man sows in his garden, and which becomes a tree for the birds to nest in. By contrast, the seed which the apostles must somehow find within themselves is a destructive force which will uproot trees from where they can flourish and place them where they will drown and rot. As might be expected, in the former case Jesus was teaching at the synagogue and addressing the general population; while in the latter case He is addressing the elect, before whom He feels no need to water down the murderous violence of His doctrine.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Graybeing Wheels About

Three months after the briliiant Chris Graybeing published a strategy thingy for promoting low-emission vehicles, and three days after an urgent warning by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Her Majesty's Government has responded in expectable fashion, by increasing the prices of low-emission vehicles. Car manufacturers and dealers have lined up to express their dazzlement at the sheer intellectual incandescence of it all. According to the AA, the single most significant obstacle to people buying low-emission cars is the purchase price, so it is only natural that the brilliant Chris Graybeing should be adding thousands of pounds to the cost of electrical and hybrid vehicles. After all, despite the titanic efforts of the fiendish Brusso-Strasbourgian axis Britain's pounds are still pounds and not euros, and Britain's newly-independent drivers will want to celebrate that fact by spending all the more of them; not to mention the fact that the Government will need to claw back all the money it can get in order to incentivise tax-dodgers, shale-frackers and other wealth-creating chumlies.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Partial Reassurance

Even the Conservatives like to make some sort of show at being concerned with public health, especially when the political atmosphere is feverish with electoral speculation; so last summer, after only eight years of more or less open war on the National Health Service, the Minister for Wog Control relaxed the rules against medically-inclined foreigners coming over here and giving medical treatment to unsuspecting citizens. True-blooded patriots were duly reassured with the stipulation that the measure was purely temporary, and the implication that the usual purge and deportations would follow as soon as the racial composition of Britain's doctors and nurses attained a more satisfactory balance. However, the compliant Sajid Javid has now felt obliged to reassure various traitors and citizens of nowhere that he has no plans to re-hostilitise the environment, at least until the Government feels secure enough to start putting the boot in once more. Given what the present administration has achieved without the Stalinist fripperies of planning, it seems doubtful that the migrant-bashers will be bothered overmuch.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Graybeing Trucks it Up

Motorways in Kent are being closed off and turned into lorry parks because the Minister for Transport is convinced they will not be needed. The minister in question is, of course, the brilliant Chris Graybeing, who has added to his triumph by not telling anyone about it, including the local Conservative MP. The work, which is expected to double the length of journeys for lucky drivers, was apparently unplanned as recently as a week ago, but since then Graybeing has had a bit of a wave in his supra-oesophageal ganglion, resulting in all sorts of ructions inside that peculiar hollow dome which he wears above his suit. It is certainly reassuring to see Graybeing making sensible provision, even against a possibility so astronomically remote as Chris Graybeing getting something wrong; but the local MP apparently lacks the breadth of vision to see the matter in so charitable a light, especially as planning permission seems to have been waved through without the usual entertaining pretence of consultation with the proles. Graybeing has offered a placatory meeting; not with the proles, of course, but just a bit of a chat to reassure the local MP that the only people to be adversely affected will be illegal immigrants, road haulage operatives who just sit in cabs all day, and other Conservative Party non-donors. However, the director of policy at the Road Haulage Association has also taken a negative view, warning of dire consequences for people who have so far abandoned their Britishness as to live on perishable goods. If one didn't know any better or recall his glorious record in office, one might almost think some people were taking the brilliant Chris Graybeing for a fool.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

He's Got the Little Bits of Baby on His Hands

With labour relations generally in a volatile state, it should come as no surprise that the Pope has plucked up sufficient courage to criticise the moral turpitude of his employer. Addressing his weekly congregation at St Peter's Square, Francis attacked the "contradictory approach to life [which] allows the suppression of human life in the mother’s womb in order to safeguard other values," and asked, "How can an act that suppresses an innocent and helpless life as it blossoms be therapeutic, civil or, simply, humane?" The Pope was referring to abortion, of course; and by grace of the God without whose will a sparrow cannot fall there are thousands of miscarriages every year, at the cost of great physical and emotional pain to women and their relatives and, in many cases, physical danger to the bereaved mothers. However belated or indirect the rebuke, it is certainly brave of Francis to confront his repulsive deity with at least some of His crimes, rather than carping at female autonomy and thereby pandering to all the coathanger fetishists in the Church and in Italian politics.

Tuesday, October 09, 2018

It Isn't Quite Only About the Money

Friendship, as the vole-brained former Minister for Werritty noted with regard to his chum Rodrigo Duterte, depends on shared values; hence the long, happy and profitable relationship between Her Majesty's Government and the head-chopping House of Saud. In their love of royalty, their reverence for tradition, their enthusiasm for wog-bombing and their respect for democracy, Britain's favourite Islamic fundamentalists are every bit the equals of the British Conservative Party, and of course quite unlike those ghastly Euro-wogs with their Soviet-style penchant for free movement, free trade and the rule of law. Accordingly, it is no doubt more in sorrow than in anger that Tin-Pot Tessie's current Minister for Wogs, Frogs and Huns has rebuked the head-chopping House of Saud over the disappearance and possible murder of a prominent journalist and well-known critic of the values of Jeremy Hunt. The Saudi royal family has apparently neglected to make even the slightest attempt at contriving some tenuous finger of blame to puff at Brussels, the Russians or Jeremy Corbyn. Even allowing for cultural differences, as the Conservatives are famously happy to do with regard to the right sort of people, such a blatant abuse of friendship can hardly go unchallenged.

Monday, October 08, 2018

They've Let Big School Down All Over Again

As might be expected from the people who thought the education of Britain's non-fee-paying children was best left to a few religious freaks and Toby Young, the Department for Education's statistical pronouncements have taken a somewhat mythographic turn. The national statistics watchdog, which is doubtless on the shortlist for privatisation and efficiency savings if not outright abolition, has reprimanded the Minister for Small Prole Control, Damian Hinds, complaining that it has written to the DfE on four separate occasions this year about the misuse of data, only for the Minister to continue failing to hand in his homework. Hinds' colleague Nick Gibb, the Minister for Targets and Teacher-Bashing, proclaimed last week that school spending in the UK was the third highest in the world: a figure he arrived at by including private school fees and university student loans. It is of course jolly encouraging that cutting expenditure on education is no longer seen as a self-evidently wonderful thing, on a par with eternal economic growth and letting brown people drown; but if the minister delivering the message cannot tell a nought from a nine, as happened when Gibb claimed that England had moved from nineteenth place to eighth in an international table of reading abilities among persons with a slightly higher mental age than Nick Gibb - well, then unfortunately the message is apt to become a little fogged.

Sunday, October 07, 2018

Bad Theology

Text for today: John 17 viii-xii

Immediately before His arrest, Jesus addresses a long prayer to His Father, in the course of which He pronounces His mission on earth complete and states that He is praying only for the elect, who belong both to His Father and Himself.

Having informed His Father that His work is done, and that He has acquired disciples who believe in the Father, Jesus hastens to make clear that He is praying for these disciples only: He has no interest whatever in saving anyone whom the Father may have destined for outer darkness with wailing and gnashing of teeth. This is a shrewd and necessary manoeuvre to protect Himself from the Father's notorious jealousy, which has always led to the most unfortunate consequences for anyone who provokes it.

Jesus proclaims that the disciples belong both to the Father and to Himself, and boasts that He, Jesus, is glorified in them. This is normal enough rhetoric for an ambitious heir to a powerful ruler: while ostentatiously acknowledging the Father's supreme authority, Jesus also drops a hint about His own capabilities. In linking His glory with His work of recruiting disciples, Jesus reminds His Father of the reward which He feels He has earned by completing His errand of proclaiming the approaching purge of the Father's flawed and sinful creation. Jesus informs the Father that although He is no longer in the world, His disciples are still there, and requests the Father to look after them. The Son and hopeful heir thereby demonstrates His personal concern for the disciples as newly-acquired assets of the family business.

Emulating His Father, Jesus takes no responsibility for the flaws which the Father has built into His creation. Far from seeking to redeem the world, Jesus regards it as entirely separate from Himself, and as something from which, by His ministry, He has redeemed not quite all of His disciples. The exception is the betrayer, the "son of destruction" as opposed to the Father of fire and brimstone, who has damned himself throughout eternity for the evidently unforgivable crime of fulfilling the holy scriptures.

Saturday, October 06, 2018

We Cannot Rest Content With Merely Halting the Ocker Genocide

...there is a distinction between an urn and a chamber-pot, and ... it is this distinction above all that provides culture with elbow room. The others, those who fail to make this distinction, are divided into those who use the urn as a chamber-pot and those who use the chamber-pot as an urn.
Karl Kraus

Now that the great Australian nation has been more or less thoroughly rescued from both immigrant invasion and Aboriginal subversion, the time has clearly come to complete the transition and bring the country's entire culture down to exactly the proper level. A roaring start has been made in New South Wales, where the state government has ordered Sydney Opera House to allow an application for advertising space by a horse-racing firm, much to the horror of the metropolitan élites. Given that the opera house's exterior is so well known, allowing it to go unused for moderate and sensible purposes would clearly be a criminal waste of potential; particularly at a time of straitened macro-economic circumstances when so many hard-working bookies are struggling to keep the thylacine from the door. On the other hand, it could simply be that the New South Wales state government is in ecstatic thrall to a right-wing loudmouth with the manners of a mugger and the cultural sensitivity of a treponeme, as regularly occurs with certain moderate and sensible politicians here on the mainland.

Friday, October 05, 2018

Pipe Down Or Else

A plucky little entrepreneur, whose name and profession are so British as to make him sound like something from a Carry On film, is suffering persecution from his local authority over his exercise of freedom of speech. Charlie Mullins, founder of Pimlico Plumbers and citizen of nowhere by Prime Ministerial decree, has been ordered to remove a Bollocks to Brexit sign from his premises near (where else but) Waterloo station, apparently on the grounds that Brexit is not relevant to business. There have also been complaints from commuters, who apparently are unaware that the word bollocks was ruled decent enough for advertising purposes more than forty years ago, thanks to the sterling efforts of the Sex Pistols and the creator of Rumpole of the Bailey. It remains as yet unclear whether the free, cantankerous British press will promote Mullins to cause célèbre with the same alacrity as it has promoted those free-speech enthusiasts who advocate a more robust attitude towards the lesser breeds.

Thursday, October 04, 2018

Prime Cuts

Market forces have triumphed once more in the efficientised National Health Service, where another private company has made a few million in profit while failing to do its job. Various unwanted bits and pieces of NHS patients who can't yet afford to take the hint and go private have been kept in fridges by the amusingly-named Healthcare Environment Services Limited, because the company's services are too limited to dispose of them properly. Naturally, Healthcare Environment Services Limited has blamed the whole thing on the Government, which is too busy burning bridges with foreigners to think about incinerating stray portions of British prole; so the Minister for Health and Social Care Monetisation, Matt Hancock, has chaired a Cobra meeting, which is generally the first option for panicked Whitehall flunkeys with some malodorous buck to pass. Hancock has now borrowed some affordable accommodation for the anatomical inconveniences, and will soon be storing them up like the sort of bargain-basement Ed Gein his party seems to enjoy putting into high office these days. Matt Hancock's entrepreneurial gumption will no doubt receive its due reward, provided a lid can be kept on the matter until Britain escapes those beastly Euro-wog food hygiene regulations.

Wednesday, October 03, 2018

Uncle Shaun's Blabbing

Having scored, thanks to the populist brilliance of Zac Goldsmith, a decisive moral victory in the last London mayoral election, the Conservatives have carefully selected a charmer of equal merit as their new candidate. Unlike Sajid Javid, whose sole wish is to keep people like his own parents out of the country (the Hollywood origin story, complete with daddy issues, is no doubt already in pre-production), Shaun Bailey seems mainly interested in shifting the wog barrier from British versus Coloured to British versus Infidel. In a pamphlet written for a Thatcherite thick-tank a dozen years ago, Bailey proclaimed that the presence of Muslims and Hindus was robbing Britain of its community, and that their alien ethics and peculiar holidays would cause the country to slip into a crime-riddled cesspool. Black people, on the other hand, find it much easier to integrate because of their Christian faith and shared language, whose nuances are evidently impenetrable to the average Diwalic or Ramadanian swarming horde. Remarkably enough, the instigator of the Windrush persecutions and hostile environment has apparently endorsed Bailey "despite" his magnum opus rather than because of it.

Tuesday, October 02, 2018


More than thirty new British jobs have been saved in the Mediterranean, where a boat full of migrants has sunk along with two potential school-place stealers. The Spanish authorities were alerted to the boat's approximate location, but passed the information to the Moroccan authorities because the reported location was in Moroccan waters; and by the time anything was done thirty-six hours had passed in a state of some environmental hostility, with the usual fair, humane and economically-sustainable results. It remains as yet unclear whether the Conservative Party rah-and-blah was given the opportunity of rejoicing that the latest threat to Gibraltar has been neutralised.

Monday, October 01, 2018

Charitable Austerity Bureaucrats

Since the departure of the late Head Boy, who filled in the time between his prime-ministership and his pig-sticking days as an office boy in a PR firm, Her Majesty's Government has been woefully short on media skills. Even the presence of Murdoch goons like Jeremy Rhymes-with-Hunt and the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove has done little to counteract the general effect of dead-eyed affectlessness and gurning incompetence; and the Cabinet's closest approximation to a media performer now appears to be the Minister for Poor-bashing and Cripple-kicking. Esther McVey used to be on TV, which doubtless accounts for her brilliant public-relations wheeze that the fiasco of Universal Credit would be greatly improved if only the charitable sector as well as the Government could be implicated in all those wrongful refusals. "The state cannot, and should not work in isolation," babbled McVey at the Conservative Party rah-and-blah, "and must reach out to work with independent, trusted organisations to get the best support to vulnerable people." It would indeed be a most sinistral and Stalinist state of affairs if a Government department were actually to perform the function for which it was set up. Accordingly, in a few months' time, every underpayment, every deprivation, every order to get up and stack shelves at Poundland dispatched by the Department of Workfare and Privation to a cancer patient in their last coma, will be entirely the fault of the Citizens' Advice Bureau.