The Curmudgeon


Sunday, August 14, 2005

Fun With Your Brain

The human brain, when it is present at all, consists of a large bulky cerebrum at the top and a small cerebellum at the bottom. The cerebrum consists of two hemispheres, each of which is divided into three lobes. The hemispheres are joined by the hypothalamus, the function of which is concerned with all matters which are in any way hypothalamic.

Both hemispheres are thoroughly crinkled and convoluted; it is not entirely clear why this should be the case, except possibly through repeated and excessive washing with unsuitable detergents. Although the eradication of dirty-mindedness in all its forms is a worthy and eminent goal, it cannot be too emphatically stressed that brains can become badly wrinkled if treated with the wrong washing powder. Care should always be taken to read the instructions on both brain and washing powder before use.

The cerebellum is a small carnivorous part of the brain which is attached to the spinal cord. Should the customer have the misfortune to fall out of an aeroplane, a firm downward pull on the spinal cord will cause the cerebellum to open out like a parachute, enabling the utiliser to land without bodily injury, although some difficulty may arise should it be found necessary to locate and replace the top of the skull.

For maximum convenience, the cerebellum should be kept neatly packaged between the cerebrum and the spinal cord. The cerebellum is frequently known as the crocodile brain because human beings inherited it from the reptiles. As a result, the cerebellum likes to spend its time basking in the hot sun and eating raw meat. It should not be approached by the non-expert and can be dangerous if provoked.

Crocodile brains have been hunted almost to extinction in recent years due to the excessive demand for high-quality shoes and intelligent hand luggage. As a result, crocodile brains are protected on all sides by the skull and the cerebrum, and they are extremely difficult to extract without specialised equipment including scalpels, hacksaws and a very large drill. These are obtainable at most brain dissection outlets and are very satisfying to work with.


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