The Curmudgeon


Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Astronomical Gains

We are all aware, because the parliamentary wing of the Farage Falange never tires of informing us, that our approaching independence from the Euro-wogs will mean liberty to trade with the whole world - a market which the Brusso-Strasbourgian axis has doubtless never even considered, being too busy strangling us with red tape and persecuting the innocent likes of Viktor Orbán. However, it seems the wider implications of Britain's new freedom to trade are still to be properly appreciated in all their cosmic magnitude. Although the research has been done by mere experts and is therefore subject to the usual legitimate doubts on grounds of patriotism, orders from Rupert Murdoch or simple stupidity, it is thought that collisions between neutron stars are flooding the universe with such marketable elements as gold, platinum and uranium. Our bracingly abrupt self-ejection from European scientific research programmes will of course give us a vital edge in exploiting this immense resource, particularly given the present Cabinet's high quota of extraterrestrial specimens. The risk of glutting the markets and causing prices to drop will also be well within our control, since it should be a simple matter to prevent overproduction. All that will be necessary is to prevent too many collisions, presumably at ministerial level by interposing between each pair of neutron stars a high-flying obstacle even denser than themselves.


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