The Curmudgeon


Saturday, May 28, 2005

Hot Tips on Heatwave Survival

The Government believes that climate change is among the most pressing issues of our time. While not quite so pressing as getting everybody's name, number and habits onto a privately-run database, climate change is still a very important matter, not only for Tony Blair but for the human race.

Thanks to New Labour policy over the past eight years, Britain has become ever warmer and sunnier. Many of the hottest summers on record have taken place during New Labour's government. However, as with open government and ethical foreign policy, too much of a good thing can lead to unfortunate consequences.

Heatwaves, which are caused by public apathy on carbon reduction measures such as tree planting and household cistern adjustment, can be detrimental to the health if overindulgence is indulged in too much. Accordingly, the Government has provided the following easy-to-understand pointers for coping with heatwaves:

More Shade. Shade can be distinguished by the lack of direct sunlight wherever it occurs. It is darker and cooler than sunlight, and therefore enables minimisation of sunlight-related risks. The business community helps to provide shade by increasing the prevalence of non-transparent carbon molecules in the atmosphere and by providing covered shopping malls for the protection and convenience of consumers. These services are for your own good. Use them.

Minimal Exertion. Do not attempt to run at high speed for long periods in direct sunlight. Use your air-conditioned vehicle wherever possible, and hire a chauffeur to avoid road stress. If you use public transport, use it during off-peak hours when delays and overcrowding will be at their least disruptive.

Workplace Efficiency. If your workplace is equipped with air conditioning, ensure that the air conditioning is switched on while you are in the workplace. This will facilitate a de-temperaturisation effect which will cause the air to cool. Use your favourite skin creams and soft drinks (available from covered shopping malls, as above) to minimse personal desiccation and workplace coughing. If you do not work in an air-conditioned office, take advantage of New Labour's unprecedented social mobility facilitation and find a new job today!

Remember: Heat exhaustion, heat stroke and skin cancer can potentially cause human resource de-efficientisation and unnecessary additions to health insurance premiums. Have a pleasant summer!


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