We Shall Grovel on the Beaches

Such is Team Starmer's reverence for Britain's plucky little servicepersons that it is dispatching the head of state for a rah-and-blah with the Trumpster and his head-tribble. Leaving aside the intense relaxation of His Majesty's Government about war crimes, the Tangerine Emperor has been known to proclaim that America's allies prefer to stay away from the frontlines, and has even referred to the Royal Navy's boats as something less than jolly big; even so, the less special side of the relationship will be sending king and consort to help America celebrate its return to autocracy after that quarter-millennial blip into republicanism. In a pleasant demonstration that a healthy sense of humour still remains on at least one side of the Atlantic, the last day of the visit will be the anniversary of Hitler's death.

States' Rights

Much as British patriots have supplemented Mr Churchill's winning of the Second World War with an earlier generation's abolition of the slave trade, a patriot in the Christian state of Texas is reaching back beyond the late unpleasantness to re-ignite the glories of the eighteen-thirties and -forties. A rather new and dim lone star in the Texas house of representatives has proposed annexing some counties from the neighbouring state of New Mexico, which was stolen from Mexico when Texas declared independence and which the USA did not deign to restore when Texas surrendered that independence ten years later. Although the New Mexico governor's office has derided the proposal as not serious, there are apparently legislators in Texas who have nothing better to do than study its potential; and it would surely be imprudent to imagine that there is no man-baby or head-tribble in the USA at present who might benefit from the distraction of a civil war breaking out in Dixie.

Marginally More Mainstream than the Manosphere

Never let it be said that the middle management drones at Farage Falange, Inc. are less perceptive than middle management drones at other corporate poisoners of the air. Some have even noticed the public-relations perils inherent in associating with the Reverend Tommyrot Yaxleyson, or with Andrew Tate and his clean-limbed cohorts of militant male virgins, and are hinting that the Falange would be better off sticking with such famously sensible moderates as Jenrick, Braverman, Zahawi and the strutting Caudillo himself. Of course Yaxleyson has been tainted with woke socialistic replacement condonement ever since he approved Team Starmer's migrant-bashing policies; but it's encouraging that cadres of the Falange are taking the initiative and attempting to close the border between themselves and the more overtly criminal classes, while continuing to maintain legitimate routes of entry for economic migrants from the Conservative Party.

Refusing Integration

It seems the mayor of London, having accomplished three consecutive electoral victories, has no plans to jump aboard Team Starmer, which looks unlikely to manage two. Sadiq Khan has warned that Labour must stop taking progressive voters for granted, which seems rather unfair: far from taking progressives for granted, Labour has explicitly repudiated them, called them student politickers and antisemites, and told them just where they can go if they don't like it. Were it not implausibly subtle for either the Starmer inertia or the McSweeney bludgeon, one might suspect an attempt to discredit Khan by association with themselves; especially as Khan has also maintained an electoral coalition that includes Liberal Democrats and even the beastly Greens, without deigning to pander to that vital Farage Falange demographic which constitutes the moderate and sensible heart of the nation. With such a record on his conscience, it's hardly surprising that Khan would hesitate to tackle today's choppy electoral waters buoyed up by the ball and chain of accredited membership in Team Starmer.

Economic Paralysis

Team Starmer has continued the Conservatives' programme of cutbacks to global healthcare initiatives, because more money is needed for wog-bombing and because raising taxes on those who can afford to pay them would constitute an unpardonable breach of post-ministerial career prospects. Complementing this moral case is the undeniably pragmatic fact that unhealthy wogs are usually easier to bomb, particularly when the defender of civilisation is armed with the sacred right to attack hospitals with impunity. Even so, the sensible moderation of the policy has not forestalled certain little ironies in its execution, as when the polio virus appeared in London less than a week before the UK withdrew funding for polio eradication among the lesser breeds. Whatever else may be lacking in the talent puddle that is Team Starmer, the Britishness of its comic timing remains resolutely undiminished.

Up For A Tumble

Since there are now only a few billion human beings too many, a small portion of the excess has naturally been looking into how best we may export our overpopulation to other worlds. These vital researches indicate that spermatozoa tend to lose their sense of direction in low-gravity environments, which could result in wasted effort and some tragically disused females if priapic pioneer propagators like Elon Musk were to try splattering their genomes across the universe by the old-fashioned method. Then again, while the contraceptive properties of free-fall may be rigorous they are not perfect, and dumb luck will inevitably favour certain individuals in even the giddiest circumstances.

Gagging Order

India's Muslim-baiting government bids fair to surpass even Team Starmer in sycophancy towards Israel, as the Central Board of Film Certification has blocked the release of a film about the cleansing of Gaza. The Voice of Hind Rajab features vérité audio from a phone call by a five-year-old child whose death somehow or other occurred during the bombing (the terms killed and IDF are both studiously absent from the report in Britain's leading liberal newspaper). Apparently the Indian government is worried that exhibiting the film would harm its relations with the Righteous State, but it seems doubtful that any war criminal has much to fear from The Voice of Hind Rajab. If vérité audio of a child's death is what is needed to induce qualms, it was probably too late in any case.

His Rightful Place

America being a Christian country and thus enamoured of graven images, the grounds of the remains of the White House have been graced with the remains of a statue. The original was thrown into a Baltimore harbour during anti-racism protests, and a replica unum has been constructed out of the fragmentary pluribus. The subject of the statue is Christopher Columbus, whom the Trumpster and his head-tribble have acclaimed as "the original American hero." Given that Columbus had a habit of sailing to other people's countries in order to enslave them, and that his geographical knowledge was such that he mistook the Caribbean for India, there seems little reason to dispute that assessment.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

No statesman can prosper without learning the correct lessons from history, and having already waved aside medical confidentiality, national security and intellectual property rights in the interests of private profit, His Majesty's Government could hardly be expected to hold the taxpayer's financial data particularly sacred. Accordingly, the Financial Conduct Authority is going to spend the next three months throwing taxpayers' money at Palantir in return for the privilege of giving Palantir access to some eminently saleable information. The company, which is named after a highly selective surveillance device in a fantasy universe where virtuous races combine to wipe out an evil race, was founded by a sponsor of the Trumpster and his head-tribble, and has supported Team Starmer's ideological brothers in both ICE and the sacred Israeli military. Victims of the Post Office scandal will doubtless join other patriots in rejoicing at the news that yet further functions of the great British State are to be entrusted to a corporate profiteer; especially if they know what's good for them.

Extreme Times Demand Innocuous Fiddling

Concerning the question of whether the plebs are poor enough, it is natural and predictable that Team Starmer's chief adviser should be the executive chair of a supermarket chain; yet the latest advice about what might be done to mitigate the effects of the Persian Crusade may still breach the bounds of what is moderate and sensible. Writing in that bastion of the honest and impoverished, the Murdoch on Sunday, the prosperity champion proclaims that he has requested Team Starmer to give its gracious consideration to a purely timid and temporary limit on oil profiteering. Few measures are more suited to Team Starmer policy than hopelessly diluted versions of those which should have been implemented decades ago and intensified with each new stage of the climate catastrophe; nevertheless, given Team Starmer's well-known ideological indulgence towards water profiteering, even the suggestion of a consideration may still be sliding a little too far towards the un-British and the antisemitic.

Breeding Will Out

In NATO and the special relationship alike, America's military subordinates are still scrambling to formulate their responses to the Persian Crusade. His Majesty's Government is so annoyed at the vagaries and insults of the Trumpster and his head-tribble that it is stepping up its collaboration in the war crimes, amid much stern finger-wagging at the mad mullahs for not sitting still and taking their medicine quietly. The Trumpster has also rebuked Japan, South Korea and Australia for dragging their feet on the march to World War III, provoking Australia to respond that it has in fact capitulated to every demand, actually, and has even signed a statement demanding that Iran behave itself. Such diplomatic robustness is surely an encouraging indication that, somewhere deep inside, the great Convict Commonwealth still retains the guts of the Pom.

Liberty With Truth

Since advanced and civilised countries are run on the basis, or at least the excuse, of pseudo-economics, it is doubtless an encouraging sign that Madagascar's new government is to be run on the basis of pseudo-science. Ministerial appointments will be conditional upon a polygraph test, in which candidates will have to show themselves liars no more than forty per cent of the time. Assuming that polygraphs could actually detect lies, this would constitute a substantially more rigorous vetting process than was ever imposed upon the National Johnson or the CEO of Team Starmer, let alone upon the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange, whether by their respective parties and corporations or by the great British public. Fortunately polygraphs cannot in fact detect lies, so the Malagasy measure is purely for show and therefore legitimately democratic. Whether it will prove as grown-up as claiming that a major capitalist economy resembles a maxed-out credit card, or implying that such an economy incorporates a fixed quantity of jobs which migrants can come along and steal, remains as yet unclear; but it is indubitably a valiant effort.

Relationships Are Our Specialty

Ominous noises are emerging from Cyprus, whose president has threatened an "open and frank discussion with the British government." Anyone lucky enough to be acquainted with our great nation's debate over migrant-bashing will be aware of the intimate relationship between open and frank discussion and kick 'em out, and the Cypriots' annoyance at being caught up in the Persian Crusade seems to augur a similar moral equivalence. Although His Majesty's Government retains bases on the island for convenience when wog-bombing the Middle East, it doesn't seem to have occurred to the master race that the Trumpster and his head-tribble might attack Iran, let alone that the mad mullahs might feel irritable enough to retaliate against anyone conniving at such an attack. Naturally, the beastly Euro-wogs are poised to take unfair advantage of the situation, and have announced their intention to favour the interests of Cyprus, a mere member state, over those of His Majesty's Government and its sovereign American territories.

Memory Holes

Proposals are being considered for the re-use of graves, which at the moment takes place only in London and the Church of England; the latter presumably because the only mouldered corpse that Anglicans need revere is the corpse of the Church itself. Recommendations for improvement include an increase in the time limit before graves can be re-used; and the extension of protections on military graves, whose contents are Government property and cannot be interfered with. It will be a melancholy day for British patriotism when the rotted remains of our glorious dead become just as indistinguishable as the rah-rah megaphoned by those who first fed them into the meat-grinder.

Shanks' Penny

While it would hardly be true to say that Team Starmer never rushes into anything, one must do it the justice to admit that the things it does rush into tend to be moderate and sensible activities like purging progressives, throwing the nation's resources into climate-wrecking infoslop hubs, or appointing Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring ambassador to the Kingdom of the Trumpster. When it comes to anything dangerous or extreme, such as genocide prevention, wealth taxes or profiteer curtailment, Team Starmer has resolutely refused to be hasty; and its response to the economic ramifications of the Persian Crusade is no exception. No commitment has been made by the party of working people regarding the likely jump in energy prices on top of the current overcharge; but every penny that makes its way from public pocket to private profit will now do so under scrutiny from something called Michael Shanks, which is doubtless a great comfort.

Sensible Triangulation for Moderate Criminality

Since the CEO of Team Starmer has proclaimed that the mainland will not be drawn into the wider war in the Middle East, we may doubtless be assured that Team Starmer is considering means for aiding and abetting the wider war in the Middle East without unduly risking its own interests. Several of the lesser breeds have indicated their unwillingness fo participate more directly, but Britain is "looking through the options;" while the CEO of Team Starmer made sure to concur with the Trumpster and his head-tribble about the re-obliteration of Iran's military capability and the need for the region's famous security and stability to be re-established. Team Starmer's attitude to the cleansing of Gaza has already demonstrated that His Majesty's Government has no particular problem with war crimes, and no doubt Team Starmer will be happy to sit back and derive what profit can be derived provided the Persian Crusade proves genocidal enough.

A Vital Trade

We thank you, O great British mother
(And trust that our thanks are enough),
For giving the world yet another
Consumer to squeal for more stuff.

We thank you for all new meat plying
Meat's route (though it's sometimes a chore)
To rot via breeding and buying:
God knows we can always use more.

Patty Rishon

Exceptional Circumstances

British prosperity creators in the vicinity of the Persian Crusade are showing their staunch Blitz spirit by fleeing to the European Union; although a few of them have said they will condescend to take up residence on the mainland provided the Government lets them dodge their taxes for another couple of months. Despite the Persian Crusade having been operative for all of a fortnight, Team Starmer has so far shown little sign of caving in, even though it would require little more than a change of wording in the travel advice issued by the Ministry for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets. Meanwhile it is to be hoped that opponents of the Persian Crusade are appropriately grateful, since they have escaped general denunciation as traitors, antisemites, useful idiots, or minions of the mad mullahs precisely because of the unusual inconvenience which this particular Crusade is inflicting on wealthy tax dodgers.

Their Ways Are Not Our Ways

Someone has rammed a Michigan synagogue complex with a vehicle, driving into the hallway with apparent intent to set off explosives. As it turned out, only the attacker was killed; but the Trumpster has nevertheless called the incident a "terrible thing," perhaps because of reported fire and smoke damage to the real estate. The attacker was a US-naturalised Lebanese whose brothers, niece and nephew were recently pacified during the latest cleansing operations by the Righteous State. It is possible that the attacker, for his own obscure and barbaric reasons, regarded this as a terrible thing and, like Jehovah and His humble servants in the United States, believed in collective and indiscriminate punishment.

One Day They'll Thank Us

Team Starmer's administration was elected on a manifesto of change and, true to form, is altering our great nation's foreign policy to something meaner than that of the Conservatives. Where the National Johnson cut the aid budget from an extravagent seven-tenths of one per cent of GDP to a merely princely five-tenths, Team Starmer is cutting it further to a moderate and sensible three-tenths of one per cent. The latest achievement in this noble enterprise is the closure of a project supposedly meant to guard against future pandemics and to invest in those African countries from which Britain habitually poaches cheap and expendable health workers. As one would expect, the money thus rationalised will be spent on wog-bombing, thereby helping to reduce the number of indigent foreigns relying on His Majesty's Government's largesse.

Slow to Mercy

The values that made America great are being tested in the Christian state of Alabama, where the governor has commuted a thirty-five-year-old death sentence, apparently on grounds of neatness. The beneficiary and his accomplice were both condemned for the murder of a customer during a robbery, although only one of them actually did the killing. The perpetrator's death sentence was reduced on appeal, so the state governor felt obliged also to reduce the sentence of the man who wasn't in the building when the shooting took place. It certainly comes to something when the Christian state of Alabama can refrain from gassing a nigrah even when the nigrah didn't commit the crime.

Almost No Safe Haven

After only a couple of years or so facilitating and conniving at war crimes and crimes against humanity while tutting with mild disapproval, the great British state has gone about demonstrating its moral mettle in the manner one would expect, by placing a beastly foreign on trial for war crimes and crimes against humanity. A sometime Syrian colonel is charged with murder and torture insofar as these fall within the jurisdiction of the great British state, which seems to have concluded belatedly that the alleged miscreant is less an expatriate than an asylum seeker. Whatever else the nation may have sacrificed in supporting the Gaza cleansing and the Persian Crusade, it has clearly lost nothing in the way of comic timing.

Out of Temptation's Way

Christian Britishness has come over encouragingly ecumenical, with Catholic piety neatly complemented by Protestant thrift. Beneficiaries from the Church of Rome's houses of penance for unfortunate mothers and their unholy offspring have been receiving worldly compensation from the Irish government; but the mainland has mercifully intervened to claw back at least some of the filthy lucre with corresponding cuts in social security benefits. This dose of British decency has led a number of reformees to proceed unto the next life without letting their souls be burdened with excesses of treasure on earth, and the Department for Workfare and Privation is now carefully considering the matter. Given the likelihood that we will all have to tighten our belts in aid of the Persian Crusade, there seems every chance that virtuous impoverishment will be allowed to continue bestowing its spiritual graces.

Mental Strife Redux

There is no such thing as inclusive patriotism. The term is an oxymoron. At best, patriotism is a membership badge: look at me, I'm in the Churchill Club! At worst, it's a driving power behind the combination of megalomania and self-pity that characterises the Trumpstersphere, the Farage Falange and all the rest of the master-racers, ghetto-builders and Other-bashers. One can have good reasons for adopting it, as when a small nation seeks to differentiate itself from an imperial oppressor; but since patriotism itself compels us not to view England, let alone Britain, as small or subordinate to an empire, such stunts as this look all the more fatuously hypocritical. The idea that one can usefully debate a burbling incoherence, as the Blairites tied themselves in knots doing twenty years ago, is very nearly as ludicrous as the hope that one might somehow impose nuance on thugs by having a less heated debate over who's Out and who's In.

Free Money, No Commitments

Where depth has no value, scum can sometimes have its price; and recent defections from the Conservative Party to the Farage Falange seem to have prompted a bit of a revaluation. One of the migrant squillionaires who runs the strutting Caudillo has declared himself no longer interested in an electoral pact between the Farage Falange and the least popular of its major imitators; presumably because the remains of the Conservative Party would constitute an electoral asset almost as buoyant as the CEO of Team Starmer. The squillionaire in question has in the past provided some pocket change to help the National Johnson with his P45, and has donated several squillions to the Farage Falange under at least two of its several aliases. Nevertheless, the squillionaire is one with the strutting Caudillo in proclaiming loudly and clearly that he requested nothing in return for his spontaneous and disinterested generosity. Whether the strutting Caudillo was told rather than asked, or whether only a nod or a wink was required for the necessary understanding, is of course a matter purely for their private delectation.

British Bastion Bought By Boche

It could hardly happen to a more deserving newspaper, or at the expense of a more satisfactory loser. After three years of turmoil precipitated by the Barclay family's financial indiscretions, the Waily Toryguff has been bought by a company of beastly foreigns, and Euro-wogs to boot, which has edged out a competing bid from the Rothermere Daily Stürmer. Apparently the plan is to turn the blithering old rag into the "leading centre-right media outlet" among the English-speaking peoples; which will of course require a substantial move leftwards, not only from the Toryguff's current wallowing-grounds but from almost the entire mainstream of the British press. The new owner's acquaintance with the mainland's media scene is slight enough that the company's chief executive can refer to the Toryguff as having something to do with "quality British journalism;" so it is devoutly to be hoped that buyer's remorse can be sufficiently postponed.

Not All Fun and Games

It appears that wog-bombing, even when a special relationship is involved, may occasionally result in complications. An estimated three hundred thousand real people are in locations adversely affected by the Persian Crusade; whether as tourists who thought the Palestinian genocide would bring peace to the region and set up some quality beach-front, or as immigrants who have integrated fully into the local community and speak fluent Arabic. Many such worthies now legitimately and understandably crave repatriation, which in this context differs from the Home Office's version because the idea is to pull real people out of danger rather than pushing little people into it. Alas, the Persian Crusade is at least sufficiently Christian to make no distinction between millionaires and billionaires, so the private aircraft market is in the midst of an embarrassment of riches; not least courtesy of His Majesty's Government and the ever-obliging domestic taxpayer. It is certainly to be hoped that net contributors to economic growth will be appropriately prioritised.

Common Ground

Not only do Christians not love their enemies or do good to those that persecute them; not only do they not sell all they possess and give to the poor in sure and certain hope of treasure in heaven; it seems they cannot even summon up sufficient faith to believe in their Saviour's promise of jam at the end of time. More than two hundred potential participants in the Persian Crusade, representing all three branches of the Abrahamic delusion but mostly the Christian, have complained because their commanders are echoing the Christ's more demented millennial rhetoric and proclaiming the Trumpster's divine mission to bring about the Second Coming. The present US Secretary of War has endorsed capital punishment for homosexuality and doubtless for sorcery as well, besides the usual business about women knowing their place; so although his position on wearing more than one fabric at a time remains as yet unclear, we may at least be reassured that the Persian Crusade is not being preached from mere antipathy towards the values of the Islamic Republic.

Contemplating the Naval

From the Crimean War through Afghanistan, the Somme, Operation Market Garden, and more Afghanistan, the British military mind has been notable for the efficiency and rapidity of its informational processing; and its response to the newly initiated Persian Crusade appears to be no exception. Hostile drone activity around Cyprus has induced the Ministry for Wog-Bombing to consider the possibility of sending a destroyer, or possibly a different destroyer, to see about things; which has induced a former defence attaché to comment: "That the UK is now 'considering' sending a destroyer to the eastern Mediterranean is a clear indication one should have been there already." In fairness, there have been comparatively few military build-ups recently to indicate that the Trumpster and his head-tribble might be less than whole-heartedly oriented towards regional tranquillity. Besides, it's hardly as if Cyprus or the Mediterranean Sea were near enough to the Levant, viz. the Middle East, for any reasonable grown-up to anticipate that an assault on Iran, which sponsors Hezbollah, which operates in Lebanon, which is an hour and a quarter's flight from Cyprus, might lead to a bit of trouble there. If the struggle for independence from the Strasbrussels yoke has taught any lesson at all, it is that islands owned by the master race are not prey to the whims of nearby continents. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Shoulder to Something or Other

No matter how unsustainable a moderate and sensible administration may find such fripperies as social security, infrastructure and wages, there is always money for war. A related principle evidently applies in the matter of Team Starmer's U-turns, the promptitude of which is pereceptibly if subtly enhanced when wog-bombing is the issue. Initially in favour of perpetuating child poverty, Team Starmer took about eighteen months to decide otherwise; the shift from rear-echelon complaisance with war crimes to full-on facilitation took all of forty-eight hours. More gloriously still, not even that level of abjection proved sufficient to satisfy the Trumpster and his head-tribble, who expressed disappointment at the unwonted show of tardiness, as well as Team Starmer's lack of real-estate smarts in dealing with those cunning Mauritians.

Middle East in Flames - No Britons Hurt

Iranian missiles are very inconsiderately falling within a couple of hundred metres of Britain's plucky little troops. While the glorious co-victors of Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya have elected to sit this one out for the moment, Britain is still participating in the Persian crusade after a non-participatory, British sort of fashion, much as it would ideally like to participate in the European Union. Yet despite all moderate and middle-way efforts to be simultaneously involved in the good bits and not involved in the rest, Muslim extremists persist in causing unnecessary trouble. It is to be hoped that the work of freedomisation can be brought to a rapid and happy conclusion before Iran is able either to harm any non-expendables or to goad the World Cop or the Righteous State into a friendly-fire indiscretion.