Higher Reasoning

Residents of New England have been reassured that a large aerial explosion which rattled their houses yesterday was neither an alien spacecraft nor a radical immigrant clearout nor a preliminary to the long-dreaded invasion by mighty Cuba. The culprit was apparently a meteor which underwent a rapid disassembly process over the border between Massachusetts and New Hampshire; and NASA was able to deduce fairly quickly that it was neither a Muskmodule or a Bezospodule from the fact that it exploded off the ground.

Making America Germy Again

Vaccines for children in the United States are to be substantially cut, thanks to the latest collaboration between the Trumpster, his head-tribble, and the Kennedy brainworm. The scientificular justifecality for the measure is that "peer, developed countries" use a similar system; but contrary to what one might anticipate, the main example cited is not a theocratic kleptarchy where the standard prescription for diseases of the non-rich is thoughts and prayers. In fact, despite its unconstructive attitude regarding the ownership of Greenland, the peer nation in question is Denmark; and nay-sayers, backsliders and un-Americans have been quick to point out that Denmark's vaccine policy works because its population is small and homogenous and because, like the equally recalcitrant Cubans, Denmark operates a Satanic socialistic system of universal healthcare. A more nuanced approach to determining which American children are expendable would of course take into account that the USA's population of wealthy white people is about as small and homogenous as anyone could wish, and that the said population's democratic Christian system of universal healthcare, viz. being wealthy white people, seems thus far to be working well enough for those whose opinions matter.

That Strain Again

Seven out of the nine musical acts booked for a concert series which the Trumpster and his head-tribble decreed to celebrate America's quarter-millennium have withdrawn within two days of the announcement. Freedom 250, the Trumpster affiliate behind the feast of culture, describes itself inspiringly as a "nonpartisan 501(c)(3)," which means a non-profit organisation that can be used as a tax dodge. Such organisations have hitherto not been permitted to engage in political campaigning; but if this anniversary is about anything, it is about America's return to government by men and not by laws. Some of the artists managed to extricate themselves without laying down a carpet of F-bombs; others expressed surprise at having been extended the privilege in the first place. In music as in diplomacy, the Trumpster and his head-tribble do not stoop to inform their servants; which presumably means the CEO of Team Starmer will shortly claim that the Special Relationship means Britain gets the rock-star treatment.

All Perfectly Innocent

One of the Farage Falange's new local authority stormtroopers is facing calls to resign even before the workload takes its toll. Despite belonging to a race-baiting rabble with a rigidly top-down hierarchy headed by a mouthy egomaniac, the gentleman apparently has a swastika tattoo on his arm. The revelation prompted the local Team Starmer representative to decide that the Holocaust began at some point before 1926, but it nevertheless seems that the symbol actually derives from a youthful flirtation with Buddhism. The local Farage Falange Truppführer pointed out that the Nazi swastika, unlike the Buddhist one, is always tilted, as on the personal standard of Adolf Hitler; and the rigorous Farage Falange vetting process is famously efficient at weeding out undesirables.

As Perfect as it Gets

Lovers of liberty will rejoice that the Trumpster is about as fit as any octogenarian possibly could be whose hollowed-out cranium happens to be farctate with the controlling defecations of a rabid radioactive head-tribble. His legs are swollen from doing a healthy nine miles a day around the golf course, and his hands are world-beatingly bruised from hard-won power-grip victories over Xi Jinping, the head-chopping House of Saud, and Sir Keir Starmer. The imperial physician, Sean Prettybeard, has previously admitted that the Trumpster has ailments; but it seems that these derive from the Grand Orange Physique's immune system reacting to those parts that still retain some vestigial traces of benignity.

Irregular Conceptions

Whether from the effects of climate change or some insidious biological warfare by the Heathen Chinee, or simply because the state's human population is sparse and widely scattered, it appears that strange things are aborning in South Australia. A labour migration specialist turned compulsory-labour entrepreneur has published pictures apparently sent by a penitent mother who claimed they showed her aborted twin girls, whom the anonymous lady tactfully cleaned up before starting the photoshoot. Analysts have identified the objects as the local equivalent of flying squirrels which, if they really did once occupy a human womb, might well have miscarried on their own without any help from the forceps-wielding fiends of fanatical feminazism. Even so, the images have been widely circulated in aid of a forthcoming rally in Sydney on behalf of the coathanger industry, and presumably on behalf of a world made safe for were-marsupial mutant miscegenation.

Another Fiendish Provocation

Is there no end to the depravities of the Russian Bear? Having interfered with one of Michael Green's pseudonyms when it was playing with its toys a couple of years ago, the menace from the East has imperilled civilisation yet further by trying the same trick upon the almost equally capable Team Starmer equivalent. The Minister for Wog-Bombing had been to Estonia for a bit of a rah-rah with the troops, doubtless with the salutary effect on morale that is generally to be expected when a politician drops in. On the return trip the aircraft's GPS was disabled, causing some inconvenience to the Minister and his free, fair and rigorously impartial journalistic retinue. Despite standard British procurement practice and the inherent expendability of almost all British ministers, the aircraft was of French manufacture and therefore had a backup navigation system; nevertheless, the beastly Russians clearly have much to answer for. It is certainly to be deplored when a sovereign state interferes with the military activities of a hostile power operating near its own borders.

Tourist Trap

Of all the underhanded tricks perpetrated by the ghastly Euro-wogs in revenge for Britishness, the latest must surely rank among the lowest. As is well known, many voters in favour of British independence underestimated the cunning and deceit of the Strasbrussels dictatorship, and so failed to realise that ending freedom of movement would apply to real people as well as to the wogs; and now the beastly French have taken unscrupulous advantage of the climate catastrophe to rub the error in. Border checks at Dover have been temporarily suspended, thereby preventing tourists from the mainland being poached alive in their cars as they wait for admission to the Continent; but beneath its sensible and moderate surface the measure clearly functions as propaganda for the dreaded migration magnification mechanism, insidiously implying that freedom of movement may have conferred some advantage even upon the master race. Collaborationist port authorities have gone so far as to demand that staff be appeased with kindness and respect, which is unlikely to help Dover's case when the Farage Falange is finally elected to sort the nation out once and for all.

Who Needs Science Anyway

Among the more arduous burdens involved in accepting Jesus as one's personal Saviour is, of course, the need for sufficient humility to correct Him where He went wrong. Few of the faithful have ever let themselves be troubled by the joke about selling all they have and giving to the poor, let alone by that unholy gaffe about welcoming strangers; but the Christian state of Florida has incurred a substantial moral cost through its relaxed attitude to the typographical error about loving one's enemies and responding to persecution with exceeding gladness. Rather than rejoicing at its heavenly reward, the state's fish and wildlife conservation commission sacked a biologist over a social media repost after the Deity's mysterious oversight in the shooting of Charles James Kirk. The state has now agreed to settle the resulting lawsuit for just under half a million dollars, in return for the plaintiff's pledge not to darken the agency's payroll again. Presumably this is not too great a sacrifice on the scientist's part, since the agency will doubtless be winding down anyway in order to free up state funds for the study of UFOs and the Ten Commandments.

Transparently Defensive

One of the more patriotic explanations for the success of the Trumpster and his head-tribble in America and the Farage Falange on the mainland is the insidious influence of the beastly Russians, as if the English-speaking peoples might have some aversion to voting racist or stupid without a substantial injection of foreign cash. Team Starmer's Minister for Wog-Bombing, who evidently has nothing more important to do these days, has joined in the optimism with a written urge to the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange about the latter's recently revealed billionaire bung. Depending on whether you believe the strutting Caudillo himself or the strutting Caudillo himself, the five million in question was either a donation towards the great man's security or a reward for liberating our great Nation from decades of unwelcome prosperity; but the Minister for Wog-Bombing has demanded assurances that the lucre was tainted neither by connections to Tsar Vladimir nor by excessive support for the Persian Crusade. It is to be hoped that the strutting Caudillo's response will aspire to the transparency, the parsimony and the freedom from foreign influence for which the British Ministry for Wog-Bombing has long been renowned.

Despicable Indignities

Presumably because the ramifications of the Persian Crusade continue slightly inconvenient, various paragons of the international community have suddenly discovered that ministers of the Righteous State do not, alas! always conduct themselves to their own best advantage. One of the Netanyahoo's numerous secretaries for war published video footage of non-Arabs being treated like Palestinians, featuring himself waving the flag and displaying legitimate and understandable concerns. The Trumpster's ambassador and even the Netanyahoo himself joined the British mainland and some lesser breeds in expressing disapproval, on the usual moral grounds that such conduct is unworthy of a master race and is not the sort of thing in which a dignified militarised apartheid rogue state should be seen to indulge excessively. Doubtless the sanctions and asset-freezings to come will be correspondingly salutary in their rigour.

St Michael's Anathema

As one would expect from the party of working people, Team Starmer has responded to the latest economic difficulties by asking corporations if they would very much mind not making quite so much profit for a while; and the chief executive of Marks and Spencer has responded in the expectable manner. Thanks to global headwinds and the Persian Crusade, the retailer is expected to profit by a beggarly eight-tenths of a billion rather than the anticipated nine-tenths, so any talk of cheaper necessities for the poor is completely preposterous. Like many other corporate complainers, Marks and Spencer are in the process of automating and AI-ensloppifying their business, viz. depriving working people of the living that would enable them to spend money, expand the economy, and profit corporations. It's difficult to sell merchandise when you're busy making sure that most people can't afford to buy it; so the obvious answer is, as always, lower taxes and less regulation. That's how we got to where we are today; and as one would expect from the party of working people, Team Starmer will most likely beat a hurried retreat from any whimper of a hint that any moderate or sensible non-antisemite might wish to try making the situation even slightly otherwise.

Another Triumph

Negotiators for the Strasbrussels dictatorship have been rubbing their greatest victim's noble Britannic proboscis in the fact that the evil, dirty, filthy, nasty, Nazi, Stalinst, sovereignty-sapping terms by which the mainland previously condescended to remain in the EU are unlikely to be available should it ever deign to rejoin. Even in the face of Russian militarism, Chinese economic coercion and the Trumpster's America First policy (there are, of course, no such things as NATO militarism, American economic coercion or Beijing's China First policy) - whatever new betrayals may be in store from the communistic crypto-Islamazoid lizards who rule our great Nation, a return to the status quo ante Nigellum will not be among them. Never let it be said that Britain achieved nothing by its independence from the beastly bureaucrats of Brussels.

A Diplomatic Exit

Quasi-British historical justice is alive and thriving among certain élite strata of the beastly Euro-wogs. Whereas on the mainland no real people are ever likely to suffer inconvenience over the murder of a post-colonial African statesman, in Belgium the one man to be charged in the case of the Congolese prime minister Patrice Lumumba has had the good taste to expire before any trial could take place. According to Britain's leading liberal newspaper, Lumumba's murder was a dark chapter in Belgium's colonial history, which until that unfortunate aberration had evidently been a model of humanity; at times perhaps even more so than Mr Churchill's great feeding time in Bengal. The late lamented was a viscount and junior diplomat in 1960-61, and was no doubt merely obeying orders. After a long and successful career subsequent to Lumumba's removal, he was promoted to count by the current occupant of the throne of Leopold II; the diplomatic timing of his demise should elevate him to posthumous marquis at the least.

Pious Felony

Other than worldly power and cold hard cash, there are few more enduring enthusiasms in the Church of Rome than the fetish for anatomical specimens. This little kink seems to have turned the head of a pious gentleman in the Czech Republic, who took exception last week to the public exhibition of a saintly skull. Having apparently prayed to God for an opportunity to rescue the relic, he was granted his wish and managed to encase the consecrated cranium in concrete, but was headed off before he could sink it in the river. The saint in question is the patron of those ridiculed for their piety, and also of difficult marriages; although since she was one of the vast mob of persons canonised by the de facto patron saint of sex abusers, John Paul II, she presumably grants her favours more to those who perpetuate the difficulty than to those who attempt escape.

Too Trumpian for Texas

According to a database run by a non-profit organisation, more than thirty of those pardoned over the Epiphany Treason are facing criminal charges for other offences; and at least five have been accused or convicted of some little indiscretion after the monarch exercised his head-tribble's clemency. One made death threats against a Democrat congressman; another got seven years' imprisonment for burglary; and a third has allegedly threatened someone with a handgun in a church parking lot while out on bail over harassment offences against other people. The gentleman in question also ran a short distance for Congress last year before deciding, possibly with justification, that he lacked "the ability to properly lead this country," and has been known to talk about himself in the third person. Eminently compatible as all this may be with the MAGA brand both of government and of the Abrahamic superstition, local authorities in Texas seem to be taking a dim view of the matter.

Democracy in Adversity

It's all kicking off in the Righteous State, where the various right wings of the Netanyahoo's coalition seem to have turned on each other; although it remains as yet unclear whether the opposition parties, like all other critics of the Netanyahoo, are paid-up members of Hamas. Political fanatics are angry because not enough Muslim nations have been wiped off the map; while religious fanatics are annoyed because no law has been passed to let them use their religion as a permanent excuse for avoiding military service and the concomitant risk of being moved prematurely closer to God. For his own part, the Netanyahoo has no plans to relinquish power, despite being embroiled in a corruption trial and despite facing possible blame for the security failures in October 2023 that enabled the Arab Untermenschen to mount their unprecedented and (it goes without saying) entirely unprovoked attack. Given that Iran is, as always, a few minutes away from developing a nuclear bomb, it is to be hoped that chaos does not descend, as we are assured it will in Britain should the empty suit now in charge be replaced with a slightly different one.

More Sunlight on Nigel's Uplands

Those who recall the shifting justifications for Brexit (It'll solve all our problems! Well, at least most of our problems! Well, at least some of our problems! Well, at least it'll get the wogs out! Well, at least it hasn't turned out quite so badly as the absolute worst that was predicted!) will not be surprised that the godfather of our national triumph is proving equally flexible in justifying his acceptance of a substantial expatriate squillionaire bung. The strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange originally claimed that the money was to hire goons to protect him against dusky types armed with milkshakes, but has now changed his story to claim that it was a reward for twenty-seven years of campaigning against the beastly Euro-wogs. However that may be, the man of the people spent at least some of the money in solidarity with victims of the housing shortage, by adding one more to the quantity of his non-constituency residences. A parliamentary inquiry is under way to determine whether such rules as remain have been seriously breached; if it turns out that they have, the voters of Clacton may be given an early opportunity to make dupes of themselves once again.

Honourable Intentions Gone Astray

Since 1959, Cuba has famously posed a looming existential threat to the United States arguably in excess of the threats variously posed by Iran, Iraq, Libya, Afghanistan, Nicaragua and a pharmaceutical factory in Sudan. So grave was the danger at one point that the sainted John F Kennedy attempted an invasion, which backfired and left to subsequent administrations from both wings of the Republicrat Demoblican Party the task of punishing the island for its unsympathetic attitude towards US interests in the region.

A mere six and a half decades on, with the Trumpster and his head-tribble in China, thirty-odd members of Congress feel safe enough to petition their frères et semblables to the effect that the current escalation goes too far. Extra sanctions against the Cuban population, and threats of military intervention to remove the government, are denounced on the grounds that they constitute a potential cause of migrants; while the use of Guantánamo Bay as a beaner warehouse is "not a response to migration - it is an attempt to contain the consequences of the exact policies that are driving it." If nothing else, the assertion that one does not respond to a policy by attempting to deal with its consequences should have some appeal for native speakers of Trumpsterian English.

Criminal Inflation

Judicial Britishness has set another example for the lesser breeds in the case of four Palestine Action protesters convicted of criminal damage to Israeli government property. Before the organisation had been proscribed, the judge in the case determined that their offence included a terrorist connection, apparently on the grounds that terrorism means attempting to influence a government and that interfering with the Gaza cleansing constituted an attempt to influence the government of the Righteous State. So as not to complicate matters or bother anyone too much, the trial jury was not informed of this codicil, which could mean swingeing penalties and life-long restrictions on the protesters' liberty if upheld. Fortunately, judges and juries will soon be released from all such cruel dilemmas thanks to the forthcoming abolition of jury trials, and eventually of all legal proceedings which do not contribute to the nation's economic growth.

Newly Unreformed

By a supremely unfortunate coincidence, one of the Farage Falange's shiny new councillors has had to resign for "personal reasons" before even dipping a toe in his time-consuming, non-grandstanding, unsalaried duties. In an unrelated matter, the patriot in question had allegedly posted on social media celebrating the rape of a Sikh woman and referring to Muslims as "dirt" and "rats." He has denied the allegations; and the Cadre of Directors at the Farage Falange has expelled him from the corporation, so presumably they believe the denial. The patriot also allegedly committed the indiscretion of claiming white people, rather than rich people, as the master race; which would be unlikely to help his case in any of Britain's three or four national right-wing parties.

Moderate Actions for Sensible Solutions

We've had a kicking, that's a fact,
So now it's either time to act
Or else to go on as before
And tell the plebs to love us more.

Our options now are stark and clear,
So let us face them without fear:
We'll either throw our Leader out
Or let him wait and hang about.

The work of change is not yet done,
The fight for Britishness not won.
We must transcend these ups and downs
And really verb the abstract nouns.

Verity Midler

Needs Must When the Tribble Drives

It's a cruel hard world for special people, and perhaps never more so than when enemies are inconsiderate enough to fight back. Fortunately, the United States also has allies and client régimes, and the Trumpster administration has shown itself prompt in turning on those whenever circumstances require. Although Denmark and Spain proved recalcitrant, Italy dubious and Britain whinily half-hearted, the recently installed satrap in Venezuela has obligingly rolled over and permitted the extraction of a slightly smaller quantity of enriched uranium than that which has served among the less whimsical pretexts for the Persian Crusade. The spoils of this brilliant victory were transported to South Carolina; presumably for storage in the private larder of the Trumpster's rabid radioactive head-tribble, which will surely be made greater as a result.

Could Do Better

British educational values remain robust if slightly diluted in Singapore, where the great pedagogical sport of flagellation is to be reintroduced. The pastime will only be practised upon male schoolboys who bully others, and only as a "last resort." Both conditions betray a certain post-imperialistic lowering of standards: true Britishness would never reserve corporal punishment to the last resort, and would not regard bullying as punishable at all, except possibly in cases where the victim was bringing in higher fees than the pupil with the leadership qualities.

Still Not Quite Worthy Of Us

Despite their shared British values and exalted status as His Majesty's Government's favourite fundamentalist head-choppers, the sensible moderates of the House of Saud have declined to follow Team Starmer's robust example in abetting the Persian Crusade. Naturally, the decision is motivated entirely by self-interest: having agreed a deal with Iran to safeguard Saudi oil exports, the House of Saud has chosen to ignore the great moral lesson, embodied in both the Trumpster and the CEO of Team Starmer, that one's pledges should never be worth the paper they are written on. By contrast with Britain's stalwart capitulation, the Saudi régime refused to allow use of its bases and airspace even for wink-wink defensive operations in the Strait of Hormuz, and does not even seem to regard Iran's reckless retaliations as significantly more sinful than such little indiscretions as the Trumpster administration's opening schoolgirl massacre.

Southern Water

Although Gibraltar notoriously voted against independence from the Strasbrussels dictatorship, it has remained thoroughly British in its standards of hygiene. Lacking a waste-water treatment plant, the colony is pumping forty thousand non-Barbary primates' worth of raw sewage into the Mediterranean. Attempts to improve matters have consisted mainly in throwing taxpayers' money at a pair of private companies, of which one pulled out because of financial difficulties and the other decided that it would rather do something else instead. Fortunately, the British government has exonerated itself of all legal responsibility by removing the UK from the jurisdiction that ruled against the pollution; while the colonial administration has blamed eveything on the dirty dagoes next door. It is surely a hopeful and glorious sign when an issue can be kept unresolved by methods even more British than the problem itself.

Tainted Holes

Despite several years of intermittent proximity to the Trumpster and his rabid radioactive head-tribble, it seems that certain portions of the White House have become unaccountably toxic. The monarch has requisitioned three Washington DC golf courses for conversion into his personal pleasure gardens, and some dumped rubble from the palace renovations was found to be poisoning the soil. A federal judge has attempted to interfere, warning of serious consequences should these ecological adjustments be permitted to continue without first filing the appropriate paperwork. How far the head-tribble will be minded to adapt its reproductive cycle to the whims of the judiciary remains as yet unclear.

The Better Class of Refugee

As one mediaeval potentate to another, the Pope has responded to the Trumpster's recent insults with a carefully measured fuck-you, appointing a sometime Salvadorian illegal immigrant as the church's chief henchman in West Virginia. As with our own Archbishop of Canterbury, who considered her talents too modest for a medical career, the appointee's initial vocation in janitorial and construction work apparently entailed insufficient humility and excessive material joy, besides the obvious moral flaw of mere worldly usefulness. Having moved to the US during the latter stages of the civil war in his own country, the appointee also has the advantage of presumed cleanliness from the taint of Liberation Theology, and of being politically shrewd enough to remove himself from the reach of the death squads by emigrating to the country that paid them.

They're All Right In Their Place

Certain cadres of the Farage Falange seem to have fallen victim to the environmentalist mind virus, and are seeking to associate themselves with the reintroduction of beavers into the Leicestershire landscape. While the Farage Falange does not normally endorse scenery-chewing wild animals whose buildings lack gold-plated lifts, it seems the Leicestershire local authority has come to the dim realisation that beavers can help protect against flooding and will not require fiscal recompense that might better be spent on union-jacking every lamp-post in the county. Despite the squeals of patriotic indignation from the Falange and its strutting Caudillo over proposals to portray beavers on British currency in place of one of the last century's more inept Chancellors of the Exchequer, it remains as yet unclear whether there will be any excommunications over the matter.

Unequal Aspirations

In anticipation of a scheduled state visit by the American monarch, the Heathen Chinee have very subtly and insidiously suggested that stability should be safeguarded. Such a stance is of course in blatant contradiction of every shared British value painstakingly defecated into the Trumpster's cranium by the rabid radioactive head-tribble that controls him. Beijing is especially exercised by continuing American obduracy over plucky little Formosa, which China claims as its own even though the realm of the Trumpster claims only Greenland, the Caribbean, the Americas and anywhere with petroleum; and the master race will no doubt respond with its accustomed levels of diplomatic engagement.

Full Spectrum Nuance

King Charles's state visit may have gained the special relationship another week or two, for whatever that may be worth; but the Trumpster and his head-tribble remain thoroughly displeased with America's other NATO subordinates and are once more making noises about stomping off in a huff and leaving the beastly Euro-wogs to fend for themselves. The Trumpster and his head-tribble have even threatened to remove from several countries the glittering privilege of playing host to large numbers of heavily armed people who obey the Trumpster, his head-tribble and the Apostle Peter Hegseth. The government of Spain sinned by refusing to collaborate, even in the most two-faced Starmerite fashion, with the Persian Crusade; the government of Italy suddenly remembered that the Vatican has historically proven a more reliable Fascist ally than the United States; and the chancellor of Germany went so far as to assert that the Crusade thus far has been a humiliation for the Nobel-trophied victor of Venezuela. The Trumpster and his head-tribble have countered with threats to remove the American military presence from Spain and Italy, but merely to reduce it in Germany: Merz's remarks were presumably intended to goad the Trumpster and his head-tribble into escalating the war and thereby safeguarding Germany's arms exports to the Righteous State, so he has a more legitimate excuse.