Heavenly Balls

Doubtless in a spirit of charity, Britain's soldiers of Christ have been advised to undertake a discreet retreat from the Sunday before Christmas, in case their fellow misogynists and gay-baiters in the State of Qatar should provoke a humiliating desertion. Instead, with its characteristic combination of venerable wisdom and eternal relevance, the Church has told vicars to attempt "Christmas sports day" and football-themed nativity plays, thereby ensuring that the festivities will be seasoned with a plentiful garnish of home-grown embarrassment. Meanwhile, the commandment to love the heavenly tyrant with all one's heart, soul, strength and mind, and the Saviour's dictum concerning the unworthiness of anyone whose affections were so depraved as to favour parents or siblings above Himself, are evidently to be considered among the less reliable sections of the Gospels.