A Simple Solution

Unpatriotic and backsliding persons have written to the Speaker of the House of Claimants, requesting that he forbid his charges to identify hotels where asylum seekers are being confined. Several brave protectors of the master race have responded to the terrorist fire-bombing of a wog warehouse in Dover by mentioning other locations where the environment could do with being made a bit more hostile; and the Refugee Council has rather tactlessly invoked the Home Office practice of keeping such places anonymous. Unsurprisingly, it had not occurred to the Speaker himself to remind expenses claimants of the rules; even less surprisingly, it also had not occurred to anyone in the Parliamentary Labour Party.

Fortunately, the invasion of our tolerant and welcoming nation may soon be at an end, thanks to the psychic abilities claimed by one of the namer-shamers. Jonathan Gullis, a former minister for education and sometime agitator in favour of fourteen-year prison sentences for vandalising war memorials, gave vent to the expectable fulminations. "People in Stoke-on-Trent, Kidsgrove and Talke are rightly angry that over £6m a day is being spent on hotels for illegal economic migrants to stay in," Gullis foamed, thereby unobtrusively revealing his paranormal talent for detecting illegal migrants before their claims have been processed, and incidentally clarifying the simple and elegant solution to the whole dreary problem. All that is required is for Jonathan Gullis to be dumped on a beach somewhere and left to exercise his telepathic vigilance on any small boats that approach. For still greater efficiency, and with the added advantage of keeping the nation's raw sewage clear of polluting Gullis-slicks, he might even be dumped far out to sea.