The Lesser Evil

Although investigations in France, Canada, Ireland and other countries have not noticeably resulted in the dissolution of the world's largest known supernaturally-sanctioned paedophile protection network, they did at least have the temerity to lay bare the quantity of abuse that the Deity is prepared to tolerate. In compensation for any impression of humility that might inadvertently have arisen, and in sure and certain hope of efficientising the forgiveness process and easing any claims of compensation on the Vatican Bank, the Catholic church in Italy has limited its own investigation to a period of two years, and has ignored all data not provided by its own complaints department. Even with this degree of moral courage, it was found that eighty-nine people had accused sixty-eight suspects, the majority of victims being aged between ten and eighteen. Fortunately, the archbishop of Ravenna-Cervia was on hand to forestall any temptation to relativism, boasting of the Church's empathy towards victims and pointing out that most cases of abuse take place within the family - an institution openly disdained by the Saviour for its tendency to distract people's attention from their jealous Father in heaven.