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The Government has once again denied that there are any plans to re-introduce slavery in Britain after the next general election, and has stated categorically that if there were any such plans, they would certainly not be carried out on a racist basis.

"The British people have had a natural moral loathing for slavery ever since it stopped being profitable," said the Home Secretary at a press conference this morning. "In our estimation, that situation appears unlikely to change in the foreseeable future except in the event of unforeseen circumstances which may have a metamorphosing effect on the situation."

Child labour and forced unpaid labour, as opposed to slavery, are common in parts of the world which have not had the benefit of a Protestant upbringing, such as Africa, Asia, Latin America and Liverpool. But such systems would be unlikely to work in this country as Britain does not receive as much American aid as some other societies, the Home Secretary claimed.

"It would be very difficult to introduce an efficient system which was also cost-effective," he said. Plans had been drawn up for implanting laser-scanned bar codes under the skin of everyone resident in the UK at birth, but the expense of this system compared with ordinary ID cards had caused the scheme to be shelved.

Another possibility would be to introduce a "flexible-format" ID card which could be modified according to changes in its carrier's social status. However, since all efforts so far have been directed to making the ID card system as inflexible as possible, in order to limit freedom of action for potential terrorists, the introduction of such a card would also be prohibitively expensive.

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, condemned what he called the Government's "timidity" in adopting modifications to the ID card scheme in the interests of society at large. Asked whether the reintroduction of slavery would be part of the upcoming Conservative manifesto, Our Gallant Past, Mr Johnson said that party and country would have to move with the times.

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Britain is to re-relaxify its rules on food additives to make life easier for those claiming benefits, the Department of Social Encouragement announced today. In what was described as "a fruitful collaboration" with the Department of Ingestion, several restrictions have been overturned.

Among other improvements, from the beginning of next year food companies will be free to use such terms as "pasteurised" and "enviro-noninimical" as registered trade marks, and the use of additives which enhance the appetite of the customer will be permitted, except in circumstances of extreme coronary risk.

Food corporations have given the proposals a guarded welcome. "This is certainly a fairly progressive package of measures as far as it goes," said Glutonate Pruitt of Flense and Addipose. "We hope that the Government's constructive attitude will ensure a reasonable decision on the baby food issue as well."

The ban to which Mr Pruitt was referring - on introducing addictive substances into baby food - will come under "close scrutiny" in the next Parliament, the Department of Ingestion said.

But the shadow Social Encouragement spokesman, Horace Wrigley-Hogg, condemned the Government's "half-heartedness in business incentivisation" and said the proposals merely "pandered to the idle element among the potential workforce".

The potential workforce, or the unemployed as they used to be called when millions were allowed to live by cheating the taxpayer, will benefit from the measures because food will be cheaper and more plentiful as manufacturers dispense with "frills" which eat into their profits, the Government claims.

Mr Wrigley-Hogg asked whether the Government really wanted "a lot of fat people claiming Temporary Inutility Benefit" rather than a "lean and hungry potential workforce". The Secretary for Social Encouragement responded that Temporary Inutility Benefit will be subject to review three months after the food reforms come in, and that any necessary measures will be taken then.

Among other possibilities, the Government is chewing over the idea of issuing part of the benefit in the form of ration cards sponsored by food companies. The cards could be exchanged for food manufactured by the sponsoring company, which would then have a chance to convert the card-holder into a loyal customer by means of whatever additives were at the company's disposal.

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Putting the wind up the first draft of history

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The loss of the Bulldog 13 Mars probe was largely the fault of asylum seekers, the official report will state tomorrow. The Foundation for UK-Interplanetary Travel (FUKIT) has spent nearly three years investigating what was, at the time of its occurrence, the British space programme's latest mishap.

Bulldog 13 was the eleventh in the series of robotic probes, funded and launched by the US but painted by British employees in Liverpool, Birmingham and the Punjab, which represent Britain's efforts at independent space exploration. The programme was begun after Britain elected to opt out of the European Union's space programme, on the grounds that participation would have undermined Westminster's sovereignty over the colour of the capsules.

Contact was lost with Bulldog 13 three minutes before the exploration module was due to land on the Martian surface, some 200 miles from the US base at New Texas, where several British nationals are employed for their quaint accents and toilet-cleaning talents. An American exploration party later found the wreckage and returned it to Earth via the space shuttle Mom's Apple Pie.

The official report on Bulldog 13, which will be published tomorrow, says that the primary cause of the crash was loss of communication with the exploration module during its descent towards the surface. "It's pretty clear that this whole fiasco can be laid at the doorstep of asylum seekers," said FUKIT chairperson Lady Zelda Scott-Tracy. "If we didn't have to keep them alive while they're waiting to be sent back, none of this would have happened. They're just using up electricity that could be better spent elsewhere."

The British energy supplier, PowerCon, has said that it will look into the amounts of electricity used in the country's seventeen processing centres, where asylum seekers are almost routinely fed, clothed and kept from freezing to death at the expense of the British taxpayer. "Obviously we will do all we can to ensure that the power we generate reaches the most deserving causes," said PowerCon executive Winfield Sellascale.

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Putting the wind up the first draft of history

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The United States says it will reduce its military presence in Taiwan if China will agree to reduce its oil consumption by 50% over the next five years. China has the fastest-increasing rate of oil consumption in the world, while the rate of increase in the USA has been slowing steadily over a period of years as deaths from carbon monoxide poisoning gradually reduce road traffic.

China is going through a period of intensive industrialisation, which the American government views with concern because of the human rights violations involved. "I'm sure we all remember the industrial revolution in England," said State Department spokesman Grendon Tiptweeze. "Children used as chimney brooms and forced into factory conditions with water looms and suchlike. We don't want to see that happen to the slant kids in this day and age, is all."

The Chinese government regards Taiwan as part of Chinese territory and has called the US presence there an "act of aggression". Beijing claims that it is doing everything possible to reduce oil consumption and switch to renewable resources, but Washington is sceptical.

"They've been using renewable resources for thousands of years," Mr Tiptweeze said to gusts of mirth from the White House press corps. "They've got the biggest biomass resources in the world. I mean, if a rickshaw puller isn't renewable, all he's got to do is get married."

Meanwhile, in Taiwan, rioters attacked American troops and were shot in numbers which spokesman J Danforth Albright described as "not unacceptably excessive". The rioters shouted slogans such as "Free Taiwan" and were apparently pro-Chinese fanatics who may even have been secretly imported from mainland China in order to disrupt the peaceful flow of life in Taiwan.

A statement from the US Commander-in-Chief two days ago reaffirmed America's determination to remain in Taiwan until the job is done. "Our duty is to stand firm and ensure a plentiful supply of plastic toys for our kids this Christmas," the statement concluded. "If in doubt, think of the children."

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The environmental pressure group Greenpeace has been officially designated a terrorist organisation, it emerged today. The Ministry of Defence and the Department of Environmental Conscientiousness made a joint statement to the effect that the organisation's British and US assets have been seized and that membership is henceforward a criminal offence.

A similar announcement was made by the US Department of Homeland Security yesterday, but ministers have denied that Greenpeace has been outlawed at the behest of the American government. A similar announcement from Australia, where French agents valiantly battled Greenpeace fanatics in the late twentieth century, is expected at any time.

The outlawing of the group indicates the Government's concern at the growing anti-globalisation movement and its frequently violent actions. Although ministers stated that the move had been under consideration for some time, the timing of the announcement leaves little doubt that it is related to the Happy Roentgen incident three weeks ago.

The British-crewed, Andorran-registered tanker was carrying nuclear waste from the USA to the Irish Sea for dumping. Members of Greenpeace in small boats and dinghies made various manoeuvres intended to hamper the ship in completing its mission. Although the tanker managed to dump the waste successfully, the captain was forced to ram several of the boats and a number of the Greenpeace terrorists were killed. It is hoped that the outlawing of the pressure group will help prevent unproductive actions by the colleagues and relatives of those who drowned.

The United States has announced that, as a precautionary measure, future shipments of radioactive waste to the Irish Sea will take place in convoys and will be escorted by vessels of the US Navy, possibly including submarines. "We understand the concern of the US Government and welcome this prompt action to safeguard the security of this by-product of our drive to make energy production more enviro-unpollutative," a spokesperson said.

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The sag in the Millennium Dome is still "a cause for concern", but poses no danger to the public, organisers said today. The progressive slackening in the roof of the Dome, which first became noticeable to experts three years ago, is now visible to the naked eye from both inside and outside, giving the revered edifice a "deflated" look.

Equipment stored in the so-called "penthouse hemisphere" immediately under the dome's apex, has suffered some damage owing to the roof's instability. The owners, Pinnacle Publications plc, have threatened to sue the owners of the Dome, Ramphorhynchus Enterprises, who bought the Greenwich Peninsula in 2012 as part of a complicated tax avoidance exercise.

Ramphorhynchus Enterprises deny that the sag is a result of negligence, and their website states that the Dome is available as normal for exhibitions, conferences, family outings, puppet shows and "whatever".

Since before it was constructed, the Dome has never been a particularly successful enterprise, but takings have plummeted in the past six years. The owners put most of the blame on the London Eye disaster, when the famous landmark, affectionately described by those who lived near it as "a 140-metre bicycle wheel with Prozac™ capsules stuck on the rim", came loose from its spindle in a freak gale and rolled half a mile before toppling over.

The incident, in which 104 people died, is generally considered to have been a setback for tourism in London, although the verdict of the Arts and Heritage Minister at the time, Geoff Hoon, was that "it could have been worse." The disaster has been variously blamed on bad weather, excessive talking by people inside the capsules, and pedestrians who, in Mr Hoon's words "just wouldn't bloody run fast enough".

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The Home Secretary today unveiled proposals for legislation to deal with the problems caused by buskers and new age travellers, which he described as "among the most serious nuisances of our time." More even than the new diseases and the chronic unreliability of the postal service, he said, vagrants and beggars of all kinds were potentially a scourge of our peaceful streets.

The past few years have seen a dramatic upsurge in the number of buskers on all the metropolitan underground railway networks which are still in operation. Many of them play music at a volume which interferes with the comfort and quiet of the experience of waiting on platforms and getting in and out of trains. Government-funded research has laid part of the blame for two of the recent King's Cross disasters on the distraction caused by buskers. According to their reports, the music caused unnecessary bodily gyration in certain elements of the crowds on the platforms, which reinforced the crush and forced people at the front onto the electrified lines.

New age travellers are a diminishing problem, says the Home Secretary, particularly since the introduction of compulsory residential postcode display on all identity cards. However, a few obstinate elements still remain, and the Home Secretary found time in his speech to thank the Daily Mail for repeatedly drawing public attention to the nuisance caused.

Although the proposed legislation does not go quite as far as the Daily Mail might wish (the newspaper has advocated flogging, castration and severing of the Achilles tendon for persistent offenders), the Home Secretary said he was "confident that it would get the job done". Among other things, it is proposed that a new crime of "automotive residence with malice aforethought" be placed on the statute books, and that harsher penalties be imposed for melodic disruption of public facilities.

The Home Secretary has also announced plans for a new offence of "suspicious behaviour" and an extension of police powers to enable them to deal with what is expected to be a large influx into the new crop of privately-run prisons. The offence, which will be cause for summary arrest and brief incarceration, could include anything from "just standing around" through "looking at an officer in a manner likely to cause alarm or despondency" to "unwarranted self-assertion in the face of questioning", the Home Secretary said.

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The ongoing corporate battle for full spectrum dominance in the genetic field continues with the attempt of three separate conglomerates to patent the XYY chromosome. Researchers claim that men with this genetic abnormality are susceptible to extreme fits of uncontrollable aggression. "That sounds like the kind of chromosome we want to have on side," said Shelby Nugget of Murdoch Disney, one of the corporations bidding for the patent.

Murdoch Disney's two rivals - fast-food and aerospace chain McDonalds-Douglas, and venture capitalists Carcharodon Carcharias - are also believed to want the chromosome for its ability to increase competitive drive. "This is not just another tarbrush lawsuit," said Burton Halley of McDonalds.

Mr Halley was referring to the still controversial case of 2012, when General Foods and Fertilisers patented various portions of the genetic profile of black people, then sued the entire black population of the planet for violation of copyright every time one of them had a child.

"This is a simple matter of survival," said Mr Halley. "We've got to be realistic here. In the corporate arena, nice guys don't even finish last. They don't finish at all." At the same time, he said, "McDonalds has a long and cherished tradition of service to the public good - a tradition which we plan to continue once we get our hands on that patent."

But the chromosome may prove more trouble than it's worth to the winners, says genetic expert Dr Miniver Mutoid, who produced the first custom-built tsetse fly for the medical insurance company Lansley Burstow Reid, and is now a senior adviser to the Health Secretary. "Whichever company gets the patent on the chromosome, it's still going to be hard for them to control the men who have it," he said.

Yancey Bladderine of Carcharodon Carcharias believes the whole race to patent the XYY chromosome is misconceived. "It's strictly a minority thing," he said. "What's needed now is to patent something everybody's already got and can't avoid having. That's where the paydirt is. But it can't be managed just yet because of the creeping state socialism we're living under at the moment. Nobody seems to want businesspersons to be dynamic these days."

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Thousands of bodies have been found in a mass grave near what was formerly the border of Iraq and Kuwait. Preliminary surveys by Amnesty Impartial claim that up to 20,000 bodies were shovelled into a huge pit and then covered over, probably by bulldozers.

The grave appears to date from the early 1990s, probably from the time of Operation Desert Storm, when the British and American governments led a military coalition to free the tiny republic of Kuwait from the grip of the dictator Saddam Hussein and restore the picturesque emir's democracy which had flourished there since time immemorial.

Most if not all of the bodies appear to be male, and a few rusty rifles have been discovered in the grave as well, leading to speculation that the bodies could be those of American GIs who up till now have been considered "missing in action" in the Middle East. A fresh ultimatum has been issued to the Iranian government in exile "just in case," the US State Department said today.

However, Amnesty Impartial has said that the bodies are unlikely to be those of Americans. "I don't think there were that many killed or captured during the 1990 war," a worker said. Another possibility is that the men were Iraqis whom Saddam had murdered for refusing to face the might of the American military machine.

The US government has replied that, although Saddam Hussein's forces were laughably inadequate to face the might of the American military machine, some Allied soldiers were killed in accidents or as a result of friendly fire. "It's entirely possible that this is a particularly tragic instance of friendly bulldozing," said State Department spokesperson Fulsome J Huggins. "Saddam may have kidnapped millions of servicepersons that he just wouldn't admit to, and whose plight America could not in conscience publicise for fear of being used as an instrument of publicity for evil."

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People from wealthy and influential families are more likely to gain good results at school and go on to higher education, a new report reveals. In what is perhaps a more surprising revelation, given the Government's commitment to choice for all, the report also shows that virtually all the best paid professions are occupied by people with wealthy and influential forbears.

The study, commissioned by two Government think-tanks, the Department of University Learning Liberalisation (DULL) and the Department for the Incentivisation and Maximisation of Mentation (DIMM), notes that "a very large percentage of Britain's educated people come from families which could afford to give them an education," and notes the seeming lack of motivation among those on low incomes to save the necessary fees for their children's further and higher education.

As with private health insurance, the reluctance of people on low incomes to pay the necessary premiums has resulted in considerable hardship, about which the Government is "very sad indeed", a spokesman said. "It is regrettably possible that the concept of 'deserving poor' may have been rather too broadly and naïvely applied with regard to education," claims the report.

Abolition of corporal punishment has had relatively little effect on trends in educational results over the past two decades, the study finds. A number of Tory MPs claim that the phasing out of corporal punishment has produced a decline in standards, but the report points out that the reintroduction of child labour and the threat of being sent down the mines in the event of failure in the seven-plus exams is a compensating influence.

A parents' pressure group is threatening to sue the broadcast networks for transmitting unpleasant or tedious news at unsuitable hours. "It costs us money when our children are bored or disturbed," one mother claimed. "My five-year-old got bored watching the latest about the war in Africa and I had to buy him a new computer game to keep him quiet. Operation Friendly Fist at £59.95 this time, all for a bit of peace while those Africans just laze around besieging each other."

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Recently declassified documents show that the 1999 military intervention in what is now the Panslavonic Protectorate may simply have added to the region's problems, at least in the short term.

Members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation, one of the precursors of the Holy Alliance, carried out a 78-day bombing campaign in the disintegrating failed state of Yugoslavonia. The action was one of the first humanitarian interventions in history, and was greeted with effusions of joy and wonder from all over the world. Lord Blair of Belmarsh, in his memoirs In All Humility, referred to it as "one of the many acts of constructive co-operation in which, I truly believe, God and myself may properly take some small degree of pride."

The bombing was undertaken to prevent a humanitarian catastrophe as marauding Serbian hordes engaged in "ethnic cleansing" of Bosnian Muslims, it was claimed. But documents newly released under the Freedom of Information Act show that the situation was not quite so clear-cut, and that the bombing may ironically have triggered the very humanitarian crisis it was trying so valiantly to prevent.

"This is certainly a tragically ironic revelation," said former Guardian newspaper editor Allan Fusbudget from his luxury secure retirement home. "If only the press had known some of these facts at the time, a great deal of unnecessary bloodshed might have been prevented."

Much of the information contained in the government documents was released into the public domain at the time. However, the media were unable to give any credence to the facts as the sources were mostly left-wing intellectuals who contradicted official press releases.

The in sarcophago trial of Slobodan Milosevic's frozen cadaver resumed last week after a five-year recession caused by Mr Milosevic's death. The United States and Britain have been pressing for a resumption of the trial for some time, perhaps partly as an object lesson to certain disruptive elements in the Panslavonic Protectorate who claim that the West is exploiting the region for its own ends.

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The Carbon Emitting Organisations (CEO) cartel has announced plans to cut emissions to 90% of 2010 levels by 2050, in line with the most recent projections for coal, gas and oil shortages over the next few decades. "It's a very ambitious target that falls within the parameters of corporate responsibility," Alberta Scrimgeour of Exxon-Mobil-International-Texaco said today.

Based on CEO's most optimistic forecasts, Birmingham, Sheffield and parts of Detroit in the US may be using natural sunlight again by the end of the century. Many of the world's largest industrial conurbations are suffering similar problems with smog blackouts. The new Clean Air Act, intended to free up corporations to do more for the environment by setting out tentative voluntary guidelines for the reduction of as much or as little pollution as they like within a highly flexible time-frame, has so far done little to help.

Controversy arose recently in Llanelli over the decision to award the Ian MacGregor Compassionate Prize to a hospital which sold its autopsy records to Britcoal, who then claimed the amount of carbon in the autopsied lungs as part of the reduction in their emissions into the atmosphere.

CEO has expressed "deep concern" about the incidence of pollution-related disease in the industrial heartlands. "Naturally, we are working to prevent absenteeism from lung problems," said Mrs Scrimgeour, referring to the CEO's lobbying of Parliament to flexibilise working conditions for the terminally ill by revising the health and safety laws and re-downrevising the lower age limit on child labour.

When the sun does come out in Birmingham, it may present problems to the natives, according to some scientists. Ozone depletion means that harmful rays could get in and cause massive incidences of skin cancer, eye problems and other difficulties in these conurbations, where few people have had the foresight to stock up on protective creams and lenses. There is some debate among the members of CEO as to whether it would be more compassionate simply to keep the levels of carbon emissions as they are, which would stabilise the smog and save the working classes a lot of bother.

"It is a dilemma and we are definitely looking into it," Mrs Scrimgeour said. "But we've also got to remember that sunlight is a rare and precious commodity. That means there's a market for it out there somewhere, for whoever has the gumption to take advantage."

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The Department of Health is to spend £1.6 million on an advertising campaign to counter public misconceptions about radiation sickness, it was announced today. Many members of the public have an exaggerated fear of the fallout from the various minor nuclear strikes which have taken place in the past few years as part of the response to anti-globalisation violence and terror. The radioactive dust is carried by atmospheric weather systems to all parts of the earth, but the Department of Health says the British people are becoming "unduly worried about a very small risk."

"It will be a very upbeat campaign," said Cranbourne Glibb, the Health Secretary. "The adverts are very amusing and tasteful, and I hope will convincingly debunk some of the more ludicrous fallacies while providing a concise and effective guide to prevention."

Among the fallacies to be debunked will be the idea that radiation sickness is invariably fatal and can be caught from toilet seats. "Of couse it's perfectly true that it makes your hair and teeth fall out, causes subcutaneous bleeding and blocks your intestines now and again," said Mr Glibb, displaying the waggish sense of humour which has made him one of Britain's least popular public figures; "but surely that's more than enough to be going on with, without adding mythical problems to the mix."

Mr Glibb added that there were many other health problems which posed a far greater risk for the British public than radiation. "You have a far greater chance of being run over by a car or blown up by terrorists than of suffering radioactive contamination from nuclear fallout," he said. "And, if you're on benefits and live in the slums, it would really be more responsible to start worrying about rickets, tuberculosis and typhoid."

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An automotively-mounted domestically-assembled explosive device (AMDED) has exploded outside one of the US embassies in Iraq, injuring five of the diplomatic staff who were repairing a tank. General Claiborne F Minuteman of the Special Embassies Iraq Zone Unified Response Executive (SEIZURE) stated at a press conference that the bombing was the work of the elusive Khazi of Kalabar, who is believed to be hiding in Afghanistan while directing operations in Iraq and carrying out acts of pointless sadism in Venezuela.

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, has called for another radical reform of education in Britain. His comments came after a Daily Mail survey found that large numbers of children under five do not know who won the Napoleonic Wars, have no idea of the nature of the victory at Dunkirk and believe Agincourt is a computer tennis game. Three-quarters of under-sevens also believe that "We shall fight them on the beaches" is a quotation from the Benidorm deckchair wars of the 1980s.

"Our young people are losing touch with the great British spirit of heroism," Mr Johnson said. "With modern educational standards they way they are, it's no wonder people are so thick and apathetic about the war on terror." The BEEP leader, Robert Kilroy-Silk, concurred. "Look at what those yellowbellies did to our boys in the Pacific," he said, his tanned face titian with feeling. "And they haven't even apologised properly. We'll be inviting them into Europe next, I suppose."

Elspet Grimsdyke of the Department of Education and Work Preparedness replied that the Government was more concerned to help children towards a brilliant future than to dwell on Britain's admittedly glorious past. "If they want to study history, there's plenty of time for that once they've finished their education," she said. Ms Grimsdyke reminded the House that literacy rates among children leaving school were almost up to their pre-2010 levels, which meant all the more budding historians in the next generation, she claimed.

Mr Johnson also queried the Government's controversial proposal to extend the Civil List to include the Commander-in-Chief of the United States. "I trust the Government has made every effort to ensure that any new Civil List personnel are the kind of human resources that would be good for Britain and good for her image abroad, and have the proper ancestry," he said. The Prime Minister assured Mr Johnson that many of the Commander-in-Chief's ancestors had been born in England, and that those who were not Protestants had, during the reign of Elizabeth I, been thoroughly persuaded to adopt the national faith.

After years of controversy, the French government has finally decided to ban the Tricolour from display in schools, along with all other religious symbols. "The Tricolour symbolises the ideals of the Revolution and the Enlightenment," said Interior Minister Armand Crétin. "Since these ideals have no ultimate basis in rationality - indeed, many of the men behind the Enlightenment were Deists, believers in a God of sorts - their flag must be considered a religious icon."

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The Prime Minister has issued a "categorical denial" that British troops will go to Central America in order to help the United States in its continuing campaign against anti-globalisation insurgents. Parliamentary experts say this probably means the Government is giving serious consideration to sending the troops; some even claim that they can tell how many will be sent from the Prime Minister's facial expressions and bodily gestures.

"Computer analysis of the Prime Minister's face and posture while he's making these denials can leave us with a pretty clear idea what he intends," said respected political commentator Preston Peters."He can't tell the public directly, of course, because that might lose him support on emotive issues like this; so he has to resort to something a bit convoluted. But it isn't really a problem. The people who need to know are always in the know."

Estimates of the number of British troops required by the Americans range from 850 to a thousand or more. The US campaign, Operation Healing Balm, has been under way since the invasion of Guatemala five years ago. Since then, the war has spread throughout Central America and has included the controversial nuclear strike on Belize, which led the Foreign Office to "put a very strong case" to the Americans for trying hard not to do it again.

It is not known, or deducible from the Prime Minister's body language, exactly where the troops will be sent, but it is thought they will be used in areas where a subtle touch is needed. British troops have a long and splendid history of getting on with the natives, as in the Catholic areas of Northern Ireland during the "troubles".

Asked when British soldiers would be sent to Central America, the Foreign Secretary declined to comment and gave a brief grimace which leads several noted experts to believe they are probably already on their way.

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One of the Provisional Archbishops of Canterbury, Dr Lionel Marmaduke Lilliwhyte, has spoken out strongly against the employment of members of so-called "new religions" in government. The other Provisional Archbishop, the Reverend Jebediah Icke, has not commented so far. It is unclear whether Dr Lilliwhyte's comments were meant to include the evangelical wing of the Anglican church as a "new religion".

Dr Lilliwhyte's comments, which were made to mild approval at the Feast of Medius Caldus in the liberal half of Westminster Abbey, came as two junior ministers were forced to resign from their posts because of their religious convictions. Dora Bugge had to leave the Department of the Environment because her belief that the world will end on 1 January next year meant that she did no work during the seven months of her tenure; and Aloysius Gumbone of the Department of Education and Work Preparedness suffered a "crisis of conscience" over the teaching of the "sex play" Romeo and Juliet to adolescents and had to be taken away in a van with very small windows.

The question of minority religions has come up recently in the USA, where several of the Commander in Chief's closest advisers belong to various cults whose memberships vary between a few dozen and several million. Mrs Verna Zeeble, one of his 482 national security counsellors, is a member of Good Ship Lollipop, which believes that benevolent aliens will evacuate the faithful "in the nick of time" and whose members once released sarin gas into the New York underground system. Senator Mongo Dumbelmeyer, one of the Commander in Chief's most faithful allies, is an adherent of the white supremacist group God's Legitimate Offspring. And Mr Quentin Feetch, the national secretary for bowling, is one of millions of Americans who attach theological significance to US political events in the twentieth century.

"We believe, quite simply, that John F Kennedy is the second incarnation of Jesus, who was crucified by His enemies, and that Richard Nixon is the Antichrist," Mr Feetch recently told Fox News On Sunday. Asked how many Americans shared his beliefs, he said, "Most of those born between 1940 and 1980, I think." Sociological surveys have tended to confirm this view.

The Prime Minister, who belongs to both wings of the Anglican Church, in accordance with the Revised Establishment Act, has said that Britain remains a free country with regard to religious worship "so long as goats aren't being slaughtered in the streets".

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The Ministry of Defence has said it may be impossible ever to establish blame in cases of mistaken firings by the Offshore Homeland Missile Security System. The American defence system was installed in the British Isles over a period of ten years, starting in Yorkshire and now including Lancashire, Cornwall, Scotland, Wales, the Orkneys, the Hebrides, the Channel Islands, the Isle of Man, Belfast and the Falklands. The system is designed to shoot down enemy missiles on their way to targets in the United States, which according to the MoD is an "absolutely vital prerequisite" for the defence of Britain.

Considerable criticism has been levelled against the OHMSS by various presure groups, who claim that several "avoidable errors" have taken place which, if allowed to continue unchecked, may lead to potentially problematical difficulties for the locals.

It is undeniable that the missile system has had its problems. During the past five years, OHMSS has shot down one airliner (Air France Flight 119, in which no Britons were hurt), three cargo flights, two private planes, five RAF training craft, six weather balloons, nine flocks of starlings and a partridge in an apple tree. The MoD denies that these were "avoidable errors" and says that improvements in the tracking and aiming systems are continual and ongoing.

Today's statement is a response to the attempt by the owners of the cargo planes and the families of those shot down in the private aircraft to prosecute the operators of the OHMSS for negligence. The missile system is operated by the US-based contractor Patriotic Fire Inc., which according to the MoD operates strict confidentiality rules for the protection of its personnel. "Patriotic Fire is a deeply committed and caring organisation," says today's statement. "Any company which takes such good care of its employees undoubtedly deserves the loyalty and gratitude of the customers it is hired to protect."

A press release by Patriotic Fire, after every accident in which a fatality occurs, has expressed deep regret and stated that the computer error responsible has been tracked down and eliminated forthwith.

Clarification: It is of course untrue that no Britons were hurt in the destruction of Air France Flight 119. However, all British casualties took place on the ground, where the aeroplane made what is officially termed an "inadequately controlled landing without appropriate structural integrity". Our statement that no Britons were hurt on Flight 119 was therefore accurate, since by the time the Britons were bio-detrimented the aircraft was no longer in flight.

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The Israeli government today issued a forceful condemnation of the Arab states' inability, or reluctance, to help their Palestinian brethren, who are living in what a UN observation team described as "inhuman" conditions. Three reservations in particular were criticised in the UN report as lacking in basic necessities for people living in them. The numbers of Palestinian residents in Camp Ben-Gurion, Camp Shamir and Camp Sharon are not known since, in the words of one camp controller, "We don't do head counts."

The Israeli government has repeatedly said that the Palestinians can leave the camps and enjoy full citizenship rights in Jordan, Egypt or Syria; but despite considerable pressure from the international community, none of these nations is prepared to offer the Palestinians the rights to which Israel claims they are entitled. The Syrian foreign minister sparked a row with the British Foreign Office three years ago when he claimed that his country's policy was "no worse" than the British policy on asylum seekers. "Asylum seekers are not British," a spokesperson said. "But Palestinians are Arabs. A certain fellow-feeling seems regrettably lacking in some of these countries."

Today's statement by Israel once more implored the Arab states to show more compassion for their Palestinian compatriots. So far only Egypt has responded, saying it would not rule out the possibility of taking the matter under consideration at some future date, depending on the feasibility of the practicalities involved. Britain and the United States joined in welcoming the Egyptian announcement as "a constructive and positive step on the road to peace in the Middle East".

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The Supreme Freedom Tribunal in the United States has upheld a ruling that corporations can sue their workers for "actual corporate harm" if the workers' actions can be established as causing detriment to the corporation's performance on the free market.

Down Home Blues Inc., the garment manufacturer which makes 25% of America's blue jeans, sued 3,000 female workers from its Unionberg, Alabama factory when they came out on strike two years ago claiming higher wages and shorter working hours. Since the company's profits would have been dented by giving any concessions, DHB's obligation to its shareholders meant it had no alternative but to close the factory and sack the strikers.

The corporation then sued the strikers for the losses incurred by shareholders as a result of the closure. "The factory's remaining productive life, if the strike had not taken place, could have been as much as forty years," said DHB spokesperson Buford H McGonnigle. "That's forty years of profits our shareholders have lost because of this one irresponsible action, and I think our shareholders deserve some recompense for that."

In addition to the financial damages, the Supreme Freedom Tribunal has now ruled that corporate bodies can legally be treated as human bodies in such cases, which means that any or all of the strikers could now be eligible for prison sentences as long as twenty years for causing "actual corporate harm". In future cases, if worker action results in the closure of a company, charges of corporate manslaughter or corporate murder could mean that the culprits might suffer the death penalty.

Mr McGonnigle said yesterday, "It will help the cause of freedom and business efficiency enormously if some of these malcontents get sent to jail where they can make themselves useful repairing some of the damage they've done this company." Down Home Blues has contracts with correction facility operating company Industrial Confinement and Chastisement to manufacture uniforms for convicts. The uniforms, like the blue jeans which go on sale in the outside world, are often hand-made by convicts as part of their rehabilitation during their stay with ICC.

"The Tribunal has made a very sensible ruling," said Mr McGonnigle.

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The Indonesian government has offered a new set of concessions to its tiny neighbour East Timor in the ongoing conflict over the Timorese weapons of mass destruction. Indonesia has said that it will withdraw half its troops from East Timor and allow an international peacekeeping force to take partial control of the country if the Timorese government hands over its stock of chemical and biological weapons. Jakarta says that these weapons, if they exist, constitute a "grave existential threat" to Indonesia and perhaps the entire south Pacific region. Indonesia's actions have the full backing of several of the UN Security Council's permanent members, including new member Australia.

The Sub-Sahara Water Company may face liquidation after failing to show a profit for the eighth consecutive quarter, it emerged today. The company made large profits during the first two years of its existence, after Overseas Development Minister Clare Kurtz helped facilitate the streamlining of water supply in Ghana, Somalia, Zimbabwe, Uganda and Kenya.

However, returns have fallen thanks to catastrophic droughts in several areas, and to the Africans' traditional unwillingness to engage with new approaches to moisture. Some tribesmen have resorted to violence in an effort to gain control of the privatised wells, necessitating expensive security measures.

"This company has always put the customer first," says Sub-Sahara Water's latest report. "However, when exploring opportunities among different cultures it is not always easy to endow customers with a full appreciation of the advantages of the arrangement." Even a special offer of a free garden sprinkler with every bottle of water sold has failed to prevent a massive dying-off of customer loyalty, the report concludes.

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Russian scientists attempting to create the first living woolly rhinocerous in over ten thousand years are being sued by the American motion picture corporation Murdoch Universal Distributors. The scientists, led by Dr Marta Dobkouska, are dependent on American technology for the process of recreating the animal from the genetic material of the preserved woolly rhino recently uncovered by the retreat of the Arctic ice cap. MUD claims "intellectual primacy" for the idea of cloning prehistoric creatures, as depicted in the 1993 film Jurassic Park.

"This lawsuit is simply an attempt to destroy our work," Dr Dobkouska claimed. "Everyone knows that the idea of cloning is much older than this film." However, under US intellectual property laws, information can be copyrighted by whoever is first to register a claim to it, whereupon unathorised users can be sued for copyright theft.

Dr Dobkouska's laboratories have only been able to get this far with their work because they managed to copyright the genetic material of the Arctic rhinocerous in time. Several western corporations, including Macdonalds and Laboratoires Garnier, narrowly missed out on claiming ownership. Dr Dobkouska suspects that MUD's demand for massive punitive damages (thought to be in the region of $20 billion) is an attempt to punish her team for being first past the primacy post.

In a further development, it has emerged that Michael Crichton, who wrote the novel on which the film Jurassic Park was based, is suing Murdoch Universal Distributors for a share in any proceeds they may receive from the copyright lawsuit. The 78-year-old author successfully sued the estate of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle for copyright violation last year, thanks to Doyle's having used the title The Lost World for a 1912 novel of the same name. Mr Crichton used the title for his sequel to Jurassic Park, and managed to secure the intellectual property rights in the United States. Mr Crichton's lawyers claimed after the verdict that, thanks to this lawsuit, by 2025 Mr Crichton would be acknowledged as the creator of Sherlock Holmes.

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The pharmaceutical corporation SKG Health and Strength has threatened to boycott the 2024 Olympics unless athletes who use its drugs are permitted to display the company logo. The Olympics Committee opposes the SKG claim with the objection that display of corporate logos on athletes' clothing could be construed as advertising and hence a violation of their amateur status. SKG argues that the athletes would not be paid to wear the logos and that, in any case, even professional advertisers can still be amateur athletes. It is estimated that, in the 2020 games at Tashkent, 75% of Britain's gold medals and 90% of America's were won by athletes using performance enhancers manufactured by SKG subsidiaries.

The case against rail contractors Jarvis Junior, brought by the families of the 147 people who were crushed to death in the last two King's Cross disasters, has collapsed because the plaintiffs can no longer afford to pay the legal costs involved. Cady Shunt KC, representing Jarvis Junior, called the result "an unequivocal vindication". The families' condemnation of the pursuit of profits was "spectacularly naïve," said Mr Shunt, for it was only by making a profit that the company could hope to continue improving its safety measures. "If you're really concerned for safety on public transport, use our trains and pay your fares," said Jarvis Junior executive Murtagh McCrimm. "If you want something done about the overcrowding, use our trains and pay your fares so we can afford the necessary improvements."

Emergency telephone calls to the police, fire and ambulance services have decreased sharply since the introduction of the 0898-999 number, government figures revealed today. The privately-run emergency line replaced the old 999 number eighteen months ago, and the contractor's latest set of six-monthly figures shows a continuing increase in profits, derived from the call charges, from the monthly connection charges paid by hospitals, police and fire stations, and from the fines payable in case of inappropriate usage. Both the Government and the contractor, Caring Communications plc, said they were "highly satisfied" with the company's performance. "The decrease in emergency calls shows that private partnership in public services really does make for a safer Britain," said Home Office junior minister Nigel Gent.

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National Police Executive czar Sir Rupert Bingham-Upjohn will propose that Britain's police forces should be paid for partly out of the national defence budget, it has emerged. Sir Rupert has in mind a model much like that operating in the United States, whereby the Pentagon works closely with the FBI to identify and apprehend suspected "internal enemies" - a category which, under the Homeland Constitution, can include anyone who "subverts, distorts or otherwise undermines, whether incidentally or by design, the fabric of society".

But the Chancellor is understood to be concerned about the costs of adopting the American model. The Pentagon's expenses accounted for 73% of the United States' national budget last year, and the Secretary of Defence has warned that further austerities in civil life may soon be necessary if the war against internal and external terror is to continue.

There have been some signs of discontent in the US government with what is sometimes seen as the disproportionate share of funds habitually allotted to the Pentagon. The Secretary of State for defence, Condoleezza Rice, recently felt it necessary to remind the nation why such a large allocation is made. "I think it's important not to forget what happened in September 2001," Ms Rice said in a recent interview on Fox News In Depth.

"Remember that the Pentagon was attacked. These people hijacked an airliner and flew it into the very heart of our homeland defence system. Now, it's easy to get complacent about it nearly twenty years later. But if we start making cutbacks, who's to say it couldn't happen again, maybe even worse?" Ms Rice went on to say that the price of making economies in the Pentagon's budget could be "a mushroom cloud over Washington".

Sir Rupert Bingham-Upjohn is unlikely to use such an apocalyptic scenario when he makes his Microsoft SuperPowerPoint™ presentation to the Ministry of Defence. But he does believe that Britain has its own share of "internal enemies" and that the armed forces could do more to help the NPE in those areas where their duties overlap.

"There are any number of ways in which the fabric of society can be undermined," Sir Rupert said in a recent speech at the British Lawmakers' Annual Ball. "And incidences of violence against the police are on the rise. If we become soft on crime - if we do not combat crime as aggressively and insistently as we combat terrorism - we may end up with a Rodney King scenario in our own cities before too long."

Sir Rupert was referring to a notorious incident in the Los Angeles riots of the early 1990s, during which several policemen were assaulted and badly beaten by a rioter named Rodney King. Although the assault was videotaped, King was later acquitted by a jury. Such incidents may be part of the reason why the United States government decided to phase out jury trials in favour of Freedom Tribunals sponsored by the legal profession and licensed custody contractors.

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As the US election approaches, the Commander-in-Chief has issued a statement to assuage concerns about the state of democracy in the country. In particular, he ridiculed claims from radical and underground groups that democracy had suffered in the transition to a one-party system. "America still stands for what it has always stood for: the right of all folks to take wing after their dream and drag that little sucker down to earth," he said.

The single transferrable Republican party has many advantages over the old two-party system, the statement continued. "I just don't understand these tax-and-spend liberals who seem to think that spending twice as much on election campaigns means you get more democracy for your buck," the Commander-in-Chief said. "Personally I think it's a tribute to the resilience of the American way of life that liberty can continue to flourish here. Let's not forget that only nineteen years ago, on that black Tuesday in September, America was viciously attacked by a ruthless and evil enemy, and that the war against that enemy has not yet been conclusified."

In Britain, the Prime Minister was quick to welcome the statement, describing it as "statesmanlike" and wishing the American public every success with the new Diebechtel voting machines. These machines are an improved version of those used in the last American election four years ago, which were the first to feature the new "preferential ballot" whereby voters can record the degree of their approval for the administration. The machines four years ago recorded that all voters had indicated every degree of preference from the lowest ("satisfactory") to the highest ("heavenly"). The accuracy of the result was questioned in some quarters.

Controversy has arisen in Britain over the rights of the so-called "Big Brother generation" - those children who have been born and spent their entire lives on the sets of reality TV shows. There are now exactly 24,317 such children in Britain, and a further 79,806 children of British origin in reality environments outside the country - 62,019 on desert islands, 8,438 in foreign cities, 6,991 in simulated prisons, 2,352 in genuine prisons and 6 on Mars. Their ages range from four months to fourteen years, and with the NuLibLab government's proposal to lower the voting age to fifteen, two of them will soon be eligible to vote in elections.

Media watchers have voiced concern over whether children who have been exposed only to TV environments will have the necessary abilities to take part in society at this level. The Public Empowerment Minister, Ursula Thwick, has responded that the number of children involved is relatively small, and that in the event of their voting irresponsibly, or being denied a vote altogether under the new legislation, it is unlikely that British democracy will be exposed to unnecessary peril.

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The M339 ring road around London yesterday suffered its second gridlock since completion as millions of commuters disregarded Government advice to use public transport. The M339, the so-called "Fourth Circle of Hell", is the fourth of the Government's planned seven concentric ring roads which are intended to relieve traffic congestion around the capital. Work was scheduled to end on the final ring road two years ago, but because of a series of delays only four roads have been completed.

The general gridlock lasted from about 7:30 in the morning to 9:00 at night, and early this morning helicopters and bulldozers were still at work clearing some sections of the road. A number of people were taken to hospital suffering from heat exhaustion, dehydration, traffic fume poisoning, coronaries and road rage, but so far no casualty figures have been released.

A statement from the Ministry of Transport said, "This incident goes once more to prove the need for better road-building in Britain. We hope to start work on the next ring road as soon as a satisfactory contractor can be found. Meanwhile, we hope commuters will act responsibly in making their travel arrangements."

In a separate report released today, the Ministry of Transport claimed that conditions on Britain's railways have "improved immeasurably" since the last few King's Cross disasters. Although there are fewer trains and the resulting overcrowding has caused a small increase in faintings and suffocations, those trains which do run are experiencing 8% fewer delays. Many of the delays in off-peak hours are also shorter than those during rush hours, the statement said. The Transport Secretary, Tarquin McAdam, described the reports findings as "very encouraging ... proof that we're on the right track."

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Britain's disagreements with its partners on the continent are again threatening its position as the "pancreas of Europe". Following arguments over the Common Agricultural Policy, the single currency, the European Union Defensive Operations Ready Aircraft (EUDORA) and who was to blame for last spring's collapse of the city of Venice into the Mediterranean, further divergences have emerged over the reformation of the United Nations Security Council. Japan, South Africa, Australia, Colombia and Israel have already taken their places as permanent members, but the European Union remains embarrassingly divided.

France and Germany, the powers behind the European Union, are insisting that Britain's seat on the Security Council should give way to an EU seat in which all members would have a turn. The British Government has stated repeatedly that this is an unacceptable violation of sovereignty, and proposes that Britain should retain its own seat as well as having an "opt-in" on the European seat. A proposal that Britain should share the United States' seat was unceremoniously terminated by the US ambassador to the United Nations, Arnold Schwarzenegger, with his famous pronouncement, "My lap ain't for rent to nobody over twenty-five."

The Prime Minister said today that negotiations are continuing, and that options are being considered, including the possibility of replacing the 52-year-old British ambassador to the UN with someone more in line with Mr Schwarzenegger's preferences. The leader of the British Exit Europe Party (BEEP), Mr Robert Kilroy-Silk, condemned what he called the Government's "fawning attitude" to France and Germany and pointed out that, during the twentieth century, Britain had defeated both of those countries in wars that threatened the nation's very existence. When a left-wing rebel MP whose name is not worth recording said that Britain's wars with France had been mostly in the nineteenth century, Mr Kilroy-Silk apologised and said the mistake had been his secretary's.

Hurricane Dubya continues its seemingly inexorable approach towards Florida, where residents are bracing themselves for the third major disaster to hit the state this year, after the nuclear meltdown at Tampa and the massive spillage from the Union Carbide tanker Bhopal, which ran aground in the Everglades in July. It is estimated that the hurricane will cause fifteen billion dollars' worth of damage, and deaths may run into the hundreds. The White House has designated the entire state of Florida an official Disaster in Waiting, and has withdrawn all senior federal personnel and liquidated all major assets in the state, in accordance with the Domestic Disaster Preparedness Protocols.

The Iranian government in exile today made what it described as "another offer to negotiate" as Israeli troops used battlefield nuclear weapons in the continuing pacification of Tehran. The US government has been cautious in attaching credence to the repeated Iranian "offers" over the two years since the first Israeli nuclear strike, and State Department spokesman Lothar Fungal greeted the latest Iranian statement with scepticism. "Our enemies in the war on terror have adopted a new and devious tactic," the Commander-in-Chief was quoted as saying.

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The homeless charity Cardboard Anonymous has warned that the continuing upsurge in youth gambling could lead to catastrophic levels of vagrancy within a few years. Gambling among teenagers and young adults has been growing for almost a decade and a half, and homelessness is increasing fastest in the same age groups.

Cardboard Anonymous singled out the US-owned corporation, Crooked Table, for particular criticism. Crooked Table owns half the licensed casinos and nearly eighty per cent of the slot machines in the United Kingdom. The charity accused the company of "pandering to the exploitation of young people" and the Government of "being in Crooked Table's pocket". In response, Mimsy Driver of Crooked Table said the company was simply providing a form of entertainment which many young people found they enjoyed. A Government spokesperson said Crooked Table was simply providing a form of entertainment which many young people found they enjoyed.

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, expressed concern at the charity's report and condemned what he said was the Government's lackadaisical approach to begging on the streets. It was not enough simply to lock people up for vagrancy, he said, if they were then simply released back onto the streets no better than they were before. The Home Secretary responded that hosing down vagrants while in captivity was not considered economical given the current climate, but that the matter would be looked at again if it rained enough next year.

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Tributes have continued to flood in for George W Bush, who died this Monday after a long conversation. The junior minister for culture in Britain, Victoria Beckham, praised the Commander-in-Chief's contributions to the English language, particularly his popularisation of two children's books, Hop on Pop and My Pet Goat. The latter book, which the then US President read aloud to comfort distressed children on the dark day of 11 September 2001, was described by Ms Beckham as "a masterpiece ... better than Frederick Forsyth."

In a carefully worded statement, the ruling oligarchy in China praised Mr Bush's command of Spanish and his commitment to the free market. The Chinese comment must obviously be seen in light of the recent tension between America and China over the issue of GM rice. The US corporation General Foods is suing the Chinese government for feeding its people rice which allegedly contains genetic material which a subsidiary of General Foods patented in the early 2000s.

Those much-loved British institutions, Sir Mark Thatcher and Lord Archer, received a liberators' welcome in Equatorial Guinea yesterday when they made a brief stop on their round-the-world tour. Riot police in full armour had to turn out in order to keep the elderly peers from being swamped by adoring natives, who revere them for their part in restoring democracy to their country. "It's wonderful to be appreciated," said Lord Archer later. "They are just like happy children," said Sir Mark. "I hope not too many got shot."

The tour is one of Lord Archer's latest ideas for raising money in charitable causes; the object this time being to relieve the distress of Britain's elderly, many of whom have failed to invest sufficiently in appropriate pension schemes. Lord Archer claims that the NuLibLab coalition's plan to raise the retirement age to eighty is not enough, and that only "acts of philanthropy in an altruistic spirit of philanthropic altruism" can help the situation.

Inuit fundamentalists have attacked the Cheneyville pipeline in Alaska, killing three oil workers and injuring nine. A spokesperson for the Big Dick corporation, which owns Cheneyville, condemned the murders as "pointless acts of destruction of valuable mineral and human resources" and added that the company would continue in its efforts "to provide cheap and efficient energy to the world, regardless of these evil madmen who think we should all live in igloos and eat blubber for breakfast."

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The former Prime Minister, Lord Blair of Belmarsh, today paid a heartfelt tribute to his valued colleague-in-arms, George W Bush, who died on Monday after six years as President of the United States and thirteen years as Emergency Commander-in-Chief under the Homeland Constitution. Speaking from his private bunker, Lord Blair referred to Mr Bush as "a valued colleague-in-arms" who deserved his "heartfelt tribute".

With the oil reserves in the Middle East beginning to sputter, the markets were volatile today, settling down towards evening with the Prime Minister's announcement that restrictions on air traffic over Britain will be re-downrevised again later this year to allow up to three times more commercial flights. A sixth London airport will be built to help accommodate the extra traffic, resulting in the creation of twelve thousand new jobs for Cambodian refugees under the Cheaper Compassion Act.

The leader of the opposition, Boris Johnson, criticised the plan, claiming that the environmental impact of the new airport could be detrimental to the countryside. "I trust the Government's contractors will ensure that the Cambodians are properly screened for cleanliness," he said. The Prime Minister said that all workers permitted to benefit from the Cheaper Compassion Act were rigorously trained in enviro-scrupulosity, and that further Government interference in contractors' practices would be an unacceptable violation of free market principles.

The BBC has apologised to Israel for anti-semitic bias in its broadcasting. The use of the word "invasion" to describe Israel's pre-emptive police action against the United Arab Emirates has been sharply criticised by the Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, as well as by the Knesset, the White House, the Pentagon, the B'nai Brith Anti-Defamation League, the Eastern Democrat mayor of Baghdad, and the Home Secretary. The BBC says it has reprimanded the reporter who used the offending term and will be handing him over to Mossad if there is any repetition of the incident.

In other news, a landslide in Bangladesh has killed about ten thousand people and made half a million homeless. Aid workers said the problems were caused by a lack of topsoil. The world shortage of topsoil is especially acute in Bangladesh because of the country's inefficient environmental policies, it was stated. No Britons were hurt.