The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

News 2020

Putting the wind up the first draft of history

Three times winner of the Guardian Media Group Award for Nuance

The environmental pressure group Greenpeace has been officially designated a terrorist organisation, it emerged today. The Ministry of Defence and the Department of Environmental Conscientiousness made a joint statement to the effect that the organisation's British and US assets have been seized and that membership is henceforward a criminal offence.

A similar announcement was made by the US Department of Homeland Security yesterday, but ministers have denied that Greenpeace has been outlawed at the behest of the American government. A similar announcement from Australia, where French agents valiantly battled Greenpeace fanatics in the late twentieth century, is expected at any time.

The outlawing of the group indicates the Government's concern at the growing anti-globalisation movement and its frequently violent actions. Although ministers stated that the move had been under consideration for some time, the timing of the announcement leaves little doubt that it is related to the Happy Roentgen incident three weeks ago.

The British-crewed, Andorran-registered tanker was carrying nuclear waste from the USA to the Irish Sea for dumping. Members of Greenpeace in small boats and dinghies made various manoeuvres intended to hamper the ship in completing its mission. Although the tanker managed to dump the waste successfully, the captain was forced to ram several of the boats and a number of the Greenpeace terrorists were killed. It is hoped that the outlawing of the pressure group will help prevent unproductive actions by the colleagues and relatives of those who drowned.

The United States has announced that, as a precautionary measure, future shipments of radioactive waste to the Irish Sea will take place in convoys and will be escorted by vessels of the US Navy, possibly including submarines. "We understand the concern of the US Government and welcome this prompt action to safeguard the security of this by-product of our drive to make energy production more enviro-unpollutative," a spokesperson said.

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