The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

News 2020

Passing on the pressure of events

When it eventually happens, remember you read it here first

Britain is to re-relaxify its rules on food additives to make life easier for those claiming benefits, the Department of Social Encouragement announced today. In what was described as "a fruitful collaboration" with the Department of Ingestion, several restrictions have been overturned.

Among other improvements, from the beginning of next year food companies will be free to use such terms as "pasteurised" and "enviro-noninimical" as registered trade marks, and the use of additives which enhance the appetite of the customer will be permitted, except in circumstances of extreme coronary risk.

Food corporations have given the proposals a guarded welcome. "This is certainly a fairly progressive package of measures as far as it goes," said Glutonate Pruitt of Flense and Addipose. "We hope that the Government's constructive attitude will ensure a reasonable decision on the baby food issue as well."

The ban to which Mr Pruitt was referring - on introducing addictive substances into baby food - will come under "close scrutiny" in the next Parliament, the Department of Ingestion said.

But the shadow Social Encouragement spokesman, Horace Wrigley-Hogg, condemned the Government's "half-heartedness in business incentivisation" and said the proposals merely "pandered to the idle element among the potential workforce".

The potential workforce, or the unemployed as they used to be called when millions were allowed to live by cheating the taxpayer, will benefit from the measures because food will be cheaper and more plentiful as manufacturers dispense with "frills" which eat into their profits, the Government claims.

Mr Wrigley-Hogg asked whether the Government really wanted "a lot of fat people claiming Temporary Inutility Benefit" rather than a "lean and hungry potential workforce". The Secretary for Social Encouragement responded that Temporary Inutility Benefit will be subject to review three months after the food reforms come in, and that any necessary measures will be taken then.

Among other possibilities, the Government is chewing over the idea of issuing part of the benefit in the form of ration cards sponsored by food companies. The cards could be exchanged for food manufactured by the sponsoring company, which would then have a chance to convert the card-holder into a loyal customer by means of whatever additives were at the company's disposal.

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