News 2020
Putting the wind up the first draft of history
We regret that we cannot be held responsible if the future turns out differently due to inaccuracies in the present
The United States says it will reduce its military presence in Taiwan if China will agree to reduce its oil consumption by 50% over the next five years. China has the fastest-increasing rate of oil consumption in the world, while the rate of increase in the USA has been slowing steadily over a period of years as deaths from carbon monoxide poisoning gradually reduce road traffic.
China is going through a period of intensive industrialisation, which the American government views with concern because of the human rights violations involved. "I'm sure we all remember the industrial revolution in England," said State Department spokesman Grendon Tiptweeze. "Children used as chimney brooms and forced into factory conditions with water looms and suchlike. We don't want to see that happen to the slant kids in this day and age, is all."
The Chinese government regards Taiwan as part of Chinese territory and has called the US presence there an "act of aggression". Beijing claims that it is doing everything possible to reduce oil consumption and switch to renewable resources, but Washington is sceptical.
"They've been using renewable resources for thousands of years," Mr Tiptweeze said to gusts of mirth from the White House press corps. "They've got the biggest biomass resources in the world. I mean, if a rickshaw puller isn't renewable, all he's got to do is get married."
Meanwhile, in Taiwan, rioters attacked American troops and were shot in numbers which spokesman J Danforth Albright described as "not unacceptably excessive". The rioters shouted slogans such as "Free Taiwan" and were apparently pro-Chinese fanatics who may even have been secretly imported from mainland China in order to disrupt the peaceful flow of life in Taiwan.
A statement from the US Commander-in-Chief two days ago reaffirmed America's determination to remain in Taiwan until the job is done. "Our duty is to stand firm and ensure a plentiful supply of plastic toys for our kids this Christmas," the statement concluded. "If in doubt, think of the children."
We regret that we cannot be held responsible if the future turns out differently due to inaccuracies in the present
The United States says it will reduce its military presence in Taiwan if China will agree to reduce its oil consumption by 50% over the next five years. China has the fastest-increasing rate of oil consumption in the world, while the rate of increase in the USA has been slowing steadily over a period of years as deaths from carbon monoxide poisoning gradually reduce road traffic.
China is going through a period of intensive industrialisation, which the American government views with concern because of the human rights violations involved. "I'm sure we all remember the industrial revolution in England," said State Department spokesman Grendon Tiptweeze. "Children used as chimney brooms and forced into factory conditions with water looms and suchlike. We don't want to see that happen to the slant kids in this day and age, is all."
The Chinese government regards Taiwan as part of Chinese territory and has called the US presence there an "act of aggression". Beijing claims that it is doing everything possible to reduce oil consumption and switch to renewable resources, but Washington is sceptical.
"They've been using renewable resources for thousands of years," Mr Tiptweeze said to gusts of mirth from the White House press corps. "They've got the biggest biomass resources in the world. I mean, if a rickshaw puller isn't renewable, all he's got to do is get married."
Meanwhile, in Taiwan, rioters attacked American troops and were shot in numbers which spokesman J Danforth Albright described as "not unacceptably excessive". The rioters shouted slogans such as "Free Taiwan" and were apparently pro-Chinese fanatics who may even have been secretly imported from mainland China in order to disrupt the peaceful flow of life in Taiwan.
A statement from the US Commander-in-Chief two days ago reaffirmed America's determination to remain in Taiwan until the job is done. "Our duty is to stand firm and ensure a plentiful supply of plastic toys for our kids this Christmas," the statement concluded. "If in doubt, think of the children."
3 Comments:
At 11:36 pm ,
Raoul Djukanovic said...
Surely you would not stand by and see the democratic aspirations of the Taiwanese crushed in the name of thwarting the Empire? Even if they stopped making cheap toys? Outrageous. They love the trickle-down effect in Asia; just look at those thumbnail galleries...
At 12:13 am ,
Philip said...
Excuse me, but what decade are you living in? Everyone knows there are no Empires any more; only good globalisers and bad bombers. Even the idea of "virtuous" imperialism went out of fashion years ago, about the time the existence of Professor Niall Ferguson was declared counterfactual by the Sellar and Yeatman Memorable History Committee.
At 9:08 am ,
Raoul Djukanovic said...
I do apologise. I was of course forgetting that when America became Top Nation, history came to a . On no account attempt to read both sides in the paper at once, and all that. Got any more bullseyes, what?
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