The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

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Britain's disagreements with its partners on the continent are again threatening its position as the "pancreas of Europe". Following arguments over the Common Agricultural Policy, the single currency, the European Union Defensive Operations Ready Aircraft (EUDORA) and who was to blame for last spring's collapse of the city of Venice into the Mediterranean, further divergences have emerged over the reformation of the United Nations Security Council. Japan, South Africa, Australia, Colombia and Israel have already taken their places as permanent members, but the European Union remains embarrassingly divided.

France and Germany, the powers behind the European Union, are insisting that Britain's seat on the Security Council should give way to an EU seat in which all members would have a turn. The British Government has stated repeatedly that this is an unacceptable violation of sovereignty, and proposes that Britain should retain its own seat as well as having an "opt-in" on the European seat. A proposal that Britain should share the United States' seat was unceremoniously terminated by the US ambassador to the United Nations, Arnold Schwarzenegger, with his famous pronouncement, "My lap ain't for rent to nobody over twenty-five."

The Prime Minister said today that negotiations are continuing, and that options are being considered, including the possibility of replacing the 52-year-old British ambassador to the UN with someone more in line with Mr Schwarzenegger's preferences. The leader of the British Exit Europe Party (BEEP), Mr Robert Kilroy-Silk, condemned what he called the Government's "fawning attitude" to France and Germany and pointed out that, during the twentieth century, Britain had defeated both of those countries in wars that threatened the nation's very existence. When a left-wing rebel MP whose name is not worth recording said that Britain's wars with France had been mostly in the nineteenth century, Mr Kilroy-Silk apologised and said the mistake had been his secretary's.

Hurricane Dubya continues its seemingly inexorable approach towards Florida, where residents are bracing themselves for the third major disaster to hit the state this year, after the nuclear meltdown at Tampa and the massive spillage from the Union Carbide tanker Bhopal, which ran aground in the Everglades in July. It is estimated that the hurricane will cause fifteen billion dollars' worth of damage, and deaths may run into the hundreds. The White House has designated the entire state of Florida an official Disaster in Waiting, and has withdrawn all senior federal personnel and liquidated all major assets in the state, in accordance with the Domestic Disaster Preparedness Protocols.

The Iranian government in exile today made what it described as "another offer to negotiate" as Israeli troops used battlefield nuclear weapons in the continuing pacification of Tehran. The US government has been cautious in attaching credence to the repeated Iranian "offers" over the two years since the first Israeli nuclear strike, and State Department spokesman Lothar Fungal greeted the latest Iranian statement with scepticism. "Our enemies in the war on terror have adopted a new and devious tactic," the Commander-in-Chief was quoted as saying.

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