Brexhibitionism

Since the fly-blown corpses of numerous plucky little British businesses are apparently not monument enough, the architects of our liberation from the Euro-wog yoke are seeking to raise a more permanent memorial to their world-beating success. The voluntary and spontaneous contributions of a grateful nation being inexplicably insufficient, the culture warriors have been forced to seek charitable status for their enterprise; which in turn has forced them to present the triumph of the master race in, of all things, a "neutral" tone. Accordingly, the planned museum to racial hygiene will present itself as an exploration of the horrors of Europe since the Romans defiled our landscape with their roads, with possibly some account of the Neolithic pollution of our native industries by the perfidious French. Hilariously, the museum is being touted as an aid to researchers, with a collection of "correspondence, diaries and campaign material" to enlighten future generations. How far the projected feast of learning will extend beyond Churchill hagiographies, Union Jack colouring books and Farage Falange leaflets remains as yet unclear; as does the vital issue of whether room will be found for the epoch-defining £350 million bus.

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

The nobleſt Values and Morals of our great Nation have been ſtimulated to new and glorious Heights of Supremacy with Her Majeſty's Government's lateſt great Proclamation, which muſt rank with Magna Carta, the Roll of Memberſhip for the Eaſt India Company, the Booke of Joſhua, the Newgate Calendar and the other defining Documents of the Conſtituton of the Greatneſs of the Engliſhneſs of our Britiſhneſs. As of yeſter Day the expendable Claſses are officially enjoined and commanded to ceaſe the rank and unproductive Idleneſs, which hath too often characteriſed the vulgar Reſponſe to the Peril of our Realm, and to reſume their Labours with due Care and Caution for the Health of their Betters, while alſo playing more Cricket. The Spirit of this moſt entrepreneurial and World-beating Innovation, is faithfully reflected in our noble Prime Miniſter, whom certain traytorous Elements among our notoriouſly radical Juſtices, Magiſtrates and other Shyſters, have had the baſe Temerity to fault, concerning various Courteſies which he hath ſhewn to his laſt Whore but two or three. Alas for the Day, when a true Gentleman in our great Country ſhould have a Caſe to anſwer over utiliſing the publick Exchequer in a healthy commercial Tranſaction. For it muſt truly be the Wreck and Ruin of all the moſt fundamental Foundations of our Civiliſation, when the Favours of a Gentleman's Whore are aſcribed to mere Boddily Urges, in defiance of all Britiſh Reſtraint and Chriſtian Continence, and aſsigned no redeeming Value in honeſt Caſh.

Plain English

When bigots have their flags unfurled
With rah-rah fit to beat the world,
The thing for decent chaps to do
Is ban an acronym or two.

At last our citizens are free
And ministers at liberty
To use that Anglo-Saxon speech
Which some would place beyond our reach.

No longer need we twist our tongues
And strain our brains and fog our lungs
To play the sociologic game
And call our piccaninnies BAME.

We've taken back our sacred right
To say a wog is not a white.
So much more British and less fuss:
Good old straightforward Them and Us.

Frank Littell-Britton

The Father of Teeth

Text for today: II Bicuspid ccxii-ccxxxiv

Centuries earlier, however, when the Father of Teeth was incarcerated for immoral conduct exacerbated by halitotic manslaughter and unauthorised biting of the national flag, he was fettered within a cell which had only a single small window high up near the rat-haunted rafters of the roof. The sepulchral gloom that resulted was a compassionate measure, protecting the human rights of the turnkeys and flunkeys who tended to become traumatised when they witnessed the Father of Teeth grinning at them. Each day, nevertheless, the callous and compassionless sun sent a single bright beam through the window. Entering in silence during the early hours, the eager beam would crawl across the bare planks of the floor to a point just beneath the Father of Teeth's inexcusable feet; for he was fettered slightly above the floorboards, to prevent his chewing through them.

"You leprous light-lump," snarled the Father of Teeth, contemptuously uncovering his uttermost canines; "you flaunter of idle and frivolously floating epidermal effluvia, you craven crawler out of the radioactive searchlight, you flunkey of the heavenly firmament and incorrigible spy - what seek you here?"

But the sunbeam continued its importunate progress, raising shadows from splinters and making of each pit and crack in the cell's construction a fathomless, carious tribute to the blackness of entropy. With all the ceremonious futility of a polluted rock's dance around its dim star, the sunbeam crept across the wall towards that archetype of cosmic disrepute which was the visage of the Father of Teeth.

"You sneaking shaft," sneered the Father of Teeth, protruding his more horrendous incisors at so hideous a profusion of angles that the sunbeam's light bounced off them with pardonable alacrity, "you yellow log, you shiny-bottomed shade-stealer, you pedantic plucker of particles from oblivion's dark peace - do you dare approach me?"

And the sunbeam, making its bright, blithe way among the bristles and thickets, the seams and orifices, the mildewed leather and rusted wire, was abruptly swallowed up by a cavity in one of the Father of Teeth's most gravitationally uncompromising molars.

"Sod off, sunshine," said the Father of Teeth; and within the hour his chains were struck off by a turnkey with averted eyes and the longest-handled chisel he could find; and the Father of Teeth was escorted in shuddering silence from the prison, and transported with all courtesy and caution through city streets in which every shutter was closed and every door bolted; and finally turned loose at the great western gate, where his infractions were formally forgotten by the Mayor, the Vice-Mayor and the Attorney General in that order; and his guards averted their gaze from the bitten and dented disc of the wounded and bloodied sun.

Flypast

Humanity is unlikely to go the way of the dinosaurs before it has a chance to cook itself to death. A large asteroid named Apophis, which makes occasional close approaches to the Earth, will not be colliding with the planet for at least another century, which leaves plenty of time for Homo sapiens ipsedixit to complete the Anthropogenic Extinction Event on its own. Staff and agencies at Associated Press and Britain's leading liberal newspaper have done their duty to the flag by working in a rather tenuous bit of rah-rah, comparing sneaky asteroids to "a second world war fighter ace" attacking out of the sun. As a matter of fact the tactic was invented by airmen during the First World War, though presumably with more contribution from Boelcke, Immelmann and the Red Baron than from Mr Churchill.

Honourable Members

While Muslim-bashing, treaty-breaking Brit
May eat his moral cake while having it,
Because his appetite can well abide
Some supping with a wealthy genocide,
These yellow crumbs must learn their proper place,
And leave such pickings for the master race.

Zillah O'Hugh

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

Our noble Prime Miniſter, that vigiliant Cuſtodian of our national Libertie and ſtern yet ſcrupulous Prefect of our Law and Order, hath proclaimed in true patriotick Wiſe, that all Publick-houſes ſhall heretofore be empowered by Royal Charter to declare themſelves cleanſed of the ſubverſive Symptoms of the Woo Han Peſtilence, and to ſtop at the Doore, report, incarcerate and ſentence to ſummary Puniſhment, any Perſon who may preſume to cough in ſuſpect Accents or diſplay an unduly foreign Conſiſtency of Phlegm. More benign and viſionary ſtill, thoſe Publick-houſes where an entire three Days have paſsed, without ſeeing a ſingle Cuſtomer carried off by the Heathen Plague, ſhall be granted the certified Privilege of diſplaying that great Symbol of Freedom, the national Flagge, to the immeaſurable Improvement of the general Populace. For whether in Mourning for a demiſed Parent, a defunct Spouſe or an economically inactivated Off-ſpring, there is nothing ſo curative to the Plebeian Soul, nor ſo ſtiffening of the Moral Fibre of the inferior Claſses, than the magnificent Sight of the Union Jack fluttering like ſome brightly-coloured Oblong of Cloth above the Place where they buy their Beer. It is by the Adoption of ſuch pragmatick and ſenſible Meaſures, that the holy and liberating Force of entrepreneurial Plucke and Gumption muſt at laſt attain its final annihilating Triumph over the pagan Horde and the beaſtlie French, with a ſubſtantial reſulting Advantage to our international Trade.

Brazen Ingratitude

Treacherous elements among the beastly Euro-wogs are conspiring with the beneficiaries of Empire to undermine the glorious reputation of Britain's heroic colonial history. The Ethnological Museum in Berlin is negotiating to return more than five hundred historical objects which were collected from what used to be British and is now merely Nigeria. Hundreds of bronze artefacts are among the victims, though it remains as yet unclear how many are worshipful images of Cecil Rhodes, or even Sir Richard Burton; and the negotiations themselves are a calculated snub to the Global British Museum. The Museum's collection was assembled during a bit of a rah-rah by our brave boys during the Jubilee year of 1897: a punitive expedition by patriotic necessity, in due and proportionate response to the unpardonable provocation of attacking a British business force. Although the collateral damage was so biased towards the lesser breeds as to be unworthy of calculation at the time, the Museum has fully acknowledged the devastation and plunder wreaked during the British cultural exploration. It is certainly to be commended that the beneficiaries of British looting should at last condescend to admit that devastation and plunder might have been going on concurrently with the same. Nevertheless, the Museum has no plans to return the bronzes, believing that its strength resides in the depth and breadth of its collection and in the British fair play of inherited smash and grab.

Justification By Faith

Given the famous right-wing belief in personal responsibility and detestation of namby-pamby excuses for criminal behaviour, it should come as no surprise that one of the Trumpster's loudest metalegals is trying to cop an insanity plea. During the recent election campaign Sidney Powell pressed all the patriotic buttons to cast doubt on the reliability of the voting machines, and even went so far as to conjure up the spectre of that most plausibly potent threat to American security since Nicaragua, the democracy-devouring pineapple god Hugo Chávez. Dominion, the company which manufactures the voting machines, is understandably annoyed and has filed a suit for defamation, to which Powell's team have responded by stating that no sensible person would have believed her anyway. She was merely spouting "opinions and legal theories" which were no more to be taken as actual true facts than all that science stuff which the Bible declines to corroborate. Unlike British libel cases, where the only real criterion is the injury done to rich people and their itsy-bitsy feelings, defamation plaintiffs in the US have to demonstrate deliberate falsehood on the part of the defendant; so the Dominion company finds itself in the unenviable position of trying to show legal sanity in a groupie of the Trumpster and his hydrophobic head-tribble.

Cloth Ears

One of the great things about British patriotism is, of course, its mature and civilised lack of the petty nationalism exhibited by the lesser breeds, which at its worst can lead to such barbarous outbursts as the migrant-baiting falsehoods of the recent German anti-EU campaign, the rape of India by the beastly Mughal Empire and the robbery and expulsion of the Jews by Edward I of France. At its best, by contrast, British patriotism can throw up figures such as James Wild, a Conservative MP with the name of a second-string ne'er-do-well in a third-rate Victorian novel and the smile of a quiet loner type with a mother and a cellar. Wild has brought the full weight of his intellect to bear against a fellow Conservative for failing to include the national flag in a business document, apparently because he has simply squillions of constituents whose patriotism will be outraged when they leave off re-reading Boris Johnson's autohagiography of Churchill in order to peruse the two hundred and sixty-eight pages of the BBC's annual report, only to find an entire dearth of Union Jacks. The as-yet-unpurged apparatchik in charge of the BBC responded with nearly equal relevance that the flag still flies over the BBC homestead, though he seems to have displayed a rather excessive degree of kindness in resisting any temptation to ask Wild what the first B stands for.

Bad Theology

Text for today: Deuteronomy 13

Speaking through Moses, God states that if a prophet performs a miracle in the name of other gods, this means that God is testing the faith of His property. He then commands that any such prophet, as the instrument of His testing, should be executed. God also requires that if any family member or close friend suggests serving other gods, a lynch mob should be gathered to stone them to death; and that if anyone in a conquered city should suggest serving other gods, the entire population and their cattle should be killed, and the city burned as a sacrifice and never rebuilt. God warns against looting at the scenes of these autos-da-fé, on the grounds that such misbehaviour would hinder His compassion.

Like all the most durable cult leaders, God recognises the importance of binding His dupes to Himself by making them accomplices in His crimes. Although He has the power to burn His own heretics, He prefers to compel His children to murder so as to consolidate His hold over them. It is notable that, even at the time of Moses, the example of the fig tree holds good: by God's own admission, the prophets of other gods are acting by His will in order to test the master race, but they must nevertheless be killed for the actions to which He has predestined them.

By the time of the Saviour's ministry, God's genocidal ambitions had expanded from mere cities to the entirety of Creation: a fact for which He again blamed His chosen people, as when Jesus proclaimed (Matthew 19 viii) that the laws of Moses were made so lax and liberal because of the unauthorised hardness of the Israelites' hearts.

Not Answerable

While hard-working ministers of the Crown do their bit to drive off the virus by waving the Union Jack at it, a chorus of less patriotic voices is sounding a more treacherous note. Several public figures, as well as the families of Britain's world-beating collateral damage in the quest for herd immunity, are demanding an immediate public inquiry into the handling of the pandemic. Although the Cummings administration, the Stratton-Symonds administration and their middle-aged front-man in a hurry have displayed unseemly haste in various other aspects of what passes for national policy, on the matter of an independent inquiry they appear to have forgotten that those with chums with nothing to hide have nothing to fear from the will of the people. Of course Her Majesty's Government has almost every sympathy with the deserving bereaved, provided that such sympathy is consistent with the requirements of the more deserving factions of the Conservative Party; but the minister for homelessness and brown envelopes has received no prior consent from Richard Desmond, and one of the health secretary's stooges has suggested that an inquiry would constitute an unacceptable instance of cultural appropriation by distracting the rabble's one-track mind from the hope and glory of the Union Vaccine. Since no conceivable inquiry at present could possibly result in any improvements except in the financial prospects of the major culprits, it does seem a lot of unnecessary bother.

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

Much Rejoycing at the Meeting yeſter Eve of the Libertarian League of Maſqueleſs Defiants, wherein my Lord Whynynge-Wyndebagge proclaimed his Intention of putting a Bill before Parliament, to ſtrengthen the patriotick Sentiment of the Nation and thereby haſten the Defeat of the Woo Han Peſtilence in its migratory Heatheniſhneſs, while ſimultaneouſly ſtimulating the Trade in Cotton and increaſing the Efficiency and Productiveneſs of our idle Niggers. The new Law once having received the ſignal and World-beating Privilege of the Royal Aſsent, would compel proper Diſplay of the Flag of our Union in all publick and private Spaces, with a due Showing of Pride and Reſpect in the Engliſhneſs of our Britiſhneſs, whenever a Subject of the Crown ſhould paſs within a Yard of the Reverent Fabrick. A moſt thorough and conſtructive Debate then aroſe, as to whether it were more patriotick, to diſplay the Croſses of Saint George and his Heavenly Subordinates outwardlie and in extenſive Compaſs, as upon a Cummerbund or Guſset in Red, White and Blue; or to enhance one's Perſon with a dozen or ſo Flags in more modeſt Dimenſions. It was further ſuggeſted, that the Watch be given extenſive new Powers, to enſure that Perſons of a ſubverſive and traytorous Tendency, who may attempt to diſplay the Symbol of Freedom and Libertie in Locations ſuch as the Trap-door of their Breeches, do not eſcape the Conſequences of their infamous Irreverence. At laſt the Meeting ended, with ſome cordial Divergence of Opinion, concerning what Form of Diſplay for the Flag would count as its being upſide-downe, and my Lord Whynynge-Wyndebagge was ſtruck in his ſecond Dewlap with a pewter Beer-mug and became ſomewhat hindered of Diſcourſe.

Gone Native

Rumours that the Ministry for Wog Warehousing may outsource its human waste disposal to Gibraltar have provoked a most unpatriotic reaction, which skirts the borders of dago in its blunt ingratitude. Clearly, not even the mightiest nation can languish for decades beneath the Euro-wog yoke without one or two adverse cultural consequences, and it seems that certain peripheral portions of the Recrudescent Imperium have succumbed to the sordid siren lure of foreign values. Since the process of regaining the blessings of our globality may yet require a nuclear war or two, many years of blood, toil, tears and sweat could be in store for those patriots who have neither the gumption to inherit wealth nor the pluck to marry it.

Anti-Vigil

Though killers, muggers or just bent,
We do our policing by consent,
And thus do not apologise
In any manner, way or wise.
Hostility in protest song
Or looking at a bobby wrong,
Or failing to be careful lest
You're not provocatively dressed:
All such behaviours indicate
A fall from citizen's estate.
So if we break your head a bit,
It's always that you asked for it.

Dickson Smacker

Transformatisational Rehabilitatism Through Ethicalising Libertoidification

Greatly to nobody's surprise, the brilliant Chris Graybeing's privatisation of the probation service has brought not only the trademark institutional chaos, but also some amusingly enhanced levels of flirtation and wog-baiting. Since the reforms were introduced by the Conservatives and nodded through by their little yellow chums, non-woke criminals have been allocated without warning to officers of the deportable persuasion, and good-natured Johnsonian banter has held unfettered sway between the would-be alpha males and the more exotic breeds of filly. The service has also taken a more strictly moral approach to crime, eliminating any nonsense about racial or social factors contributing to those people's ancestral hatred for British law and order. Some of the Graybeing reforms are to be revised this year, and it is certainly to be hoped that the result will prove even more transformative for the prospects of the deserving.

There Are Limits

Despite his credentials as a pusher of pernicious untruths to further an authoritarian and persecutory agenda, to say nothing of his physical resemblance to a Renaissance catamite slightly shop-soiled by a decade or three of syphilis, the sometime Trumpster string-puller Steve Bannon is a Roman Catholic. Since falling out of favour with the head-tribble he has involved himself in the pedagogical machinations of the Dignitatis Humanae Institute, which has been trying to take over an ancient monastery in Rome where it hopes to raise a new generation of gay-baiting crusaders against the infidel. Unfortunately, the law in Italy has proved obstructive, on the wholly unpredictable grounds that a religious institution backed by the likes of Steve Bannon may occasionally consider itself above its contractual obligations; and Bannon also alienated friends in the Vatican by alleging that an entire city full of eunuchs and paedophiles might also contain some specimens of the objectively disordered.

The Father of Teeth

Text for today: Gingivitis xci-cviii

When the Father of Teeth came in sight of the walls, the sentries in the towers nevertheless opened up with their machine-guns and the Father of Teeth was forced to catch their projectiles between some of his least calibrated incisors. "Full metal crust; my favourite," pronounced the Father of Teeth; whereupon, horrified at his irreverence towards the monopoly of legitimate violence, they opened the prison gates and let him walk right in, masticating noisily.

The Father of Teeth was still chewing when they brought him before the Governor, who lectured him upon the virtues of hard work and good citizenship, and then ordered him to break rocks for the next twenty years as an improvement to his character and a deterrent to future malefactors. "You must also wear a pattern of arrows," added the Governor, "so that your status as a moral pariah may be the more easily distinguishable by citizens of good character and observant eyesight."
"Do you always humiliate those whose character you wish to rehabilitate?" inquired the Father of Teeth.
"Harshness in punishment is a necessary and effective deterrent to crime," said the Governor.
"Always provided," said the Father of Teeth, "that your potential criminals plan on being caught."
"There is, in any case, no gratuitous humiliation in being a moral pariah," said the Governor coldly, "so long as one has the will to improve. I myself wear the arrows to bed, in compensation for my lustful and licentious nocturnal visions."

The Father of Teeth was dragged from the Governor's office and taken to be processed, and someone hauled a wriggly rubber glove onto one hand with intent to check for contraband; but the Father of Teeth had powers of halitosis which caused the rubber glove to shrink and melt from the very fingers that wore it, and somehow that particular processing procedure became lost in the bureaucracy.

Several armoured and extensively beweaponed persons of good character escorted the Father of Teeth to the yard of rehabilitation, where a thousand men all dressed in the same pattern of arrows were sombrely engaged in self-improvement. The guards led the Father of Teeth to a boulder, where they chained his ankles to a stout metal ring and handed him a large hammer and a blunt chisel.

"Go on then, improve yourself," they said; so the Father of Teeth stopped chewing and started expectorating, and for a full ninety-three seconds the yard of rehabilitation echoed with ricochets. By the time it was over, there was blood and dented kevlar all over the place, but the boulder was undeniably broken. Indeed it was practically gravel, as the guards were quick to deduce from the fact that it was fragmentarily embedded in their faces, rather than crushing their skulls outright as would be the inclination of an intact boulder similarly situated. "You didn't use the chisel," they said, suffused with moral indignation, and the Father of Teeth was unceremoniously precipitated into a cell as black as his own back molars and about as opulently furnished.

That night the Governor in his arrow-patterned silk nightgown awoke from dreams of horrid eroticism, in which the Home Secretary and kevlar colostomy bags featured with undue prominence. Quivering and perspiring with annoyance at whoever was to blame, the Governor scratched furiously at the junction of ribs and paunch, where one of the silk arrows was chafing. Immediately each arrow on the Governor's silk nightgown was transformed into a black and grinding unit of deadly dentition. Some were incisors, which cut and sliced; some were canines, which stabbed and cracked. Possibly worst were the bicuspids at the back, but it was a close-run thing.

In the morning, of course, the black and foetid cell was as empty of the Father of Teeth as a wisdom tooth is empty of folly; which was just as well on the whole, as there was more than enough to do clearing up the mess in the Governor's bedroom.

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

It hath been decreed by Her Majeſty's Government, doubtleſs with the due and proper Conſent of the Lords Spiritual and of all relevant philanthropick Organiſations and charitable Clubbes of applauding Ladies, that the twenty-third inſt. ſhall be a Day of National Reflection upon the conſiderable Suffering and Diſmay, which the Woo Han Peſtilence hath inflicted upon the Realm. It is certainlie to be hoped, that the Inſtitution of ſuch an Occaſion of ſolemn Remembrance may lead to ſome genuine Improvement in the Situation of all deſerving Perſons, who have fallen Victim to the Afflictions of the Heathen Plague: Whether by the near Impoſsibilitie of finding a healthy Whore, a Nigger who knows his Place, or even getting a Guſset properly adjuſted; Or by the Decline in the Value of Property owing to the Proliferation in our City Streets of putrid and vulgar Corſes; Or ſimply by running ſhort of Servants at the very Hour and Moment, when the Demiſed of the Houſehold run to ſuch Numbers as to require replacing. I have written to inform our noble Prime Miniſter, that I await the twenty-third inſt. with the greateſt Intereſt and Anticipation of due and material Compenſation for the Martyrdoms of the Worthy; eſpecially thoſe who have ſacrificed their Birthright of Liberty for that prolonged Impriſonment and dretful ſtifling Diſcomfort which attends the wearing of a Maſque, which digs Trenches of abyſmal Profunditie into the Jowells and hideouſly oppreſses the Dewlap, contrary to all naturall Juſtice and numerous Precepts of Magna Carta.

Nukes Not Nurses

Among the numerous woke and entrepreneur-stifling international obligations from which Global Britain has pluckily cut itself loose is, of course, the one about not committing genocide, whether in defence of our way of life or as a result of the ever-happy relationship between Her Majesty's Government and its electronical Babbage computating engines. The strategic review of Britain's new, independently independent nuclear deterrent is expected to increase the quantity of those warheads which have done such a wonderful job deterring such menaces to our democracy as illegal prorogation of Parliament, arbitrary withdrawal of citizenship and the forthcoming voter suppression programme. There has been some unpatriotic speculation that the whole idea is a bit of fiscal throat-clearing, as the Minister for Wog-Bombing has already instructed our American subordinates to hurry up and provide us with an even more independent deterrent than before. Then again, given that the greatest threat to our way of life is anthropogenic climate change, it's always possible that Whitehall's more visionary factions, just in time for the Boris Johnson Climate Rah-rah in November, have hit upon a handy push-button solution.

Which Way is Up?

Connoisseurs of mathematical Britishness will recall the famous attempt by the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove to declare the children of the master race above the law of averages. A recent survey of the pandemic's effect on social inequality has brought forth an entrepreneurial innovation which is arguably even pluckier, and demonstrates that the Symonds-Stratton administration of the National Haystack is by no means resistant to what fellow journalists are pleased to call Gove's "intellectual heft." As one would expect given the Conservative idea of redistribution, the survey's better-off respondents reported feeling better off and the worse-off gave vent to the usual materialistic grumbles; to which a spokesbeing responded that Her Majesty's Government is "committed to levelling up outcomes for every individual, across the country," from the tax-dodging squillionaire to the nurse at the food bank. Since elevating them all to the same height would amount to nothing less than Stakhanovite antisemitism, we may doubtless assume that some elevations will be more on the level than others.

Chafing Truss

Three years ago the Conservatives made some noises about banning gay conversion therapy; but then they discovered there was a culture war to be fought. In the wake of the Government's increasingly obvious yearning for the good old days of sodomy laws and Section 28, one member of the Government's LGBT+ advisory panel has finally taken the hint and walked away, even though the seriousness with which the National Haystack takes human rights blazes forth in his appointment as equalities minister of Liz Truss, who is barely equal to chewing gum while someone else does the walking for her. It is certainly encouraging that, while there are no longer any penalties for lying and corruption in public office, Her Majesty's Government remains committed to the great British tradition of constructive dismissal via bigotry.

Race to the Bottom

Well, here's a thing: the great migrant-bashing Muslim-baiting British press, where Winston Churchill and Boris Johnson alike served their apprenticeships in truth-telling and piccaninny depiction, has been accused of racism. Since the accusation was made by a member of the royal family, some sort of rebuttal was considered necessary, and the executive director of the Society of Editors duly belched out his indignation. Not all the newspapers support the same faction of the Conservative Party, and a small minority are even woke enough to pass for Blairite, with that holy fraternity's wholly non-racist concern with bombing the wogs to freedom and British jobs for British workers. Even in 2016, before woke culture descended to its present depths of censorious depravity, a full four-tenths of one per cent of journalists were Muslim and a dizzying one-fifth of one per cent were black. Nevertheless, a hundred and sixty-seven members of the profession have signed a letter rebutting the rebuttal, which just goes to show how morally and culturally insensitive to corporate free speech certain people can be.

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

It hath ever been my conſidered and unanimous Opinion, that juſt as an uppity Female butters no Parſnips, and a Nigger without the Whip is an Agent of Chaos like unto a voting Scullery-maid, ſo he who ſeeketh to educate the lower Claſses committeth a moſt ſorrie and ſcurrilous Indiſcretion, in that he muſt inevitably ſeed the chill Dragon-teeth of Ingratitude in the warm Boſom of Patronage, and thereby rend aſunder the benignant Sinews of Condeſcenſion with the dread atrocious Talons of Inſurrection. It muſt be confeſsed none the leſs, in the preſent unuſual State of Society, that what may at other Times appear a moſt perilous Circumſtance will upon Occaſion prove a tranquil Harbour and a welcome Refuge from the piratick Depredations of a ſubtil and unchivalrous Foe. And thus hath it proved in the Matter of this Heathen Peſtilence, whoſe utter Defeat by Midſummer Day hath been guaranteed by the ſacred Britiſh Word of our noble Prime Miniſter. For it cannot be gainſaid that in ſending back to their Labours the Off-ſpring of mere Road-ſweepers, Coſtermongers, Carters and their Whores, Her Majeſty's Government hath brought into Battel a very cunning Stratagem, to provoke the Teeth of the Enemy into firing upon a Canary in a Coal-mine, thereby to betray the Limits of his Strength and be put inevitably to Rout. When the Woo Han Peſtilence looſeth its Chain and Grape upon the low-hung Fruits of idle plebeian Fecunditie, the true Repreſentatives and Embodiments of our unaſsailable Britiſhneſs ſhall baſk courageouſly in legitimate Secureneſs of Life and Limb, for our noble and foreſighted Prime Miniſter hath decreed a Weekes Delay in the Reſumption of Cricket and Applied Bullying at our great publick Inſtitutions, ſuch as Eton College where ſome ſeventeen of his owne favourite Baſtards are at preſent enſconced.

Bad Theology

Text for today: Romans 9 xviii-xxiv

St Paul asserts that God has mercy on whomever He wills, and hardens whomever He wills. Paul quotes God's boast that He hardened Pharaoh's heart in order to kill more Egyptians and thereby ensure the proclamation of His power. Since he is addressing Gentile converts as well as Jews, Paul alters the story, making Pharaoh rather than Moses the recipient of the Father's wisdom. Paul then attacks the argument that God should not fault His creatures for acting as He created them to act.

A few verses after asserting that he is not lying, as befits one secure in the truth, Paul admits the crippling flaw in any argument for justification by faith or by works: namely that human beings are helpless before the omnipotent Will and, regardless of their nature or behaviour, predestined by the whim of that Will for salvation or damnation. A true apostle of Christ, Paul responds with the argument from brute force: the clay has no right to rebuke the potter for knowingly manufacturing vessels for evil use as a demonstration of personal power.

As an artisan in the tent-maker's trade and a sometime leader of lynch mobs, Paul would have been struck by the benign indifference of the awning as to whether it provides shelter from the sun or concealment for the murderer. Nevertheless, since we have it on Biblical authority that Paul was not lying to the community of saints in Rome, he was evidently unacquainted with Genesis 2 vii, where the difference between potter's clay and human beings is clearly set forth.

Viral Yeast

At a time when God has seen fit to afflict the world with a deadly pandemic, and to assist His servant the virus in mutating and evolving to ensure its continuing effectiveness as an instrument of holy chastisement, it is of course entirely predictable and natural that the leadership of the Church of England should be all of a tizzy about sex. In January the Anglican Church in North America issued a statement on the pastoral care of gay people, which moved another faction to complain that the church was holding homosexual people to a higher standard than straight people, and the bishop of Nigeria was provoked to fulmination. He compared homosexuality to a deadly yeast-like virus to be urgently and radically expunged, and has now been scolded by the Archbishop of Canterbury for using dehumanising language and for not being enough of a hypocrite. It remains to be seen how the Archbishop's invisible employer will see fit to discipline those of His servants who dehumanise people whom the Anglican mainstream now considers useful enough to dupe but not human enough to marry.

Patent Absurdity

We are all aware, because our market-appointed masters in the corporate feudal system never tire of telling us, that private enterprise is the best way to get things done, except when the boardroom's latest indiscretion merits another handout from the taxpayer. Nevertheless, a foreigner with a funny name has sought to undermine Global Britain's world-beating vaccinatory supremacy by demanding that the law of patents be abandoned, in a limited and specific way, for the dubious benefit of the lesser breeds. Nations whose destiny is manifestly less glorious than our own are agitating for a waiver of intellectual property rights in the case of vaccine patents: a measure to which pharmaceutical corporations and their friends in government are opposed, on the grounds that keeping poor people alive would interfere with the process of scientific discovery. It would certainly be a most demoralising experience for the remnants of Britain's fact-based community if the fruits of their pluck and gumption were to benefit anyone other than the more fiscally deserving specimens of the master race.

Vexatious Legalities

Although it has been made clear many a time that the petty provisions of international jurisprudence cannot be allowed to hinder the entrepreneurial pluck and gumption of the master race, the Stalinist bureaucrats of the Brusso-Strasbourg Reich perversely persist in their pedantic insistence upon the letter of treaties originally signed as long ago as ten whole weeks. There are even signs that the enemy may seek to use that very same treaty as an excuse for dilatoriness in ratifying the evil empire's limited and specific trade and security obligations towards Her Majesty's Government. Some peoples never learn, and it seems there are still those among the beastly Euro-wogs who have yet to assimilate the lessons of two world wars, one World Cup and the Irish Question.

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

Our noble and virtuous Prime Miniſter hath pledged upon his Honour as a Gentleman, and his univerſal Repute as a publick Servant of the moſt ſupreme Competence, Diſcretion and Foreſight, that the Pluckineſs of our Britiſhneſs will enſure and guarantee, that by Midſummer Day the Woo Han Peſtilence ſhall ſuffer its final and ultimate Vanquiſhment. Theſe Tidings have occaſioned much Rejoycing at the lateſt Meeting of the Claſsical Liberal Society of Maſqueleſs Defiants, whereof from the Bloater and Blueſtocking Coffee-Houſe yeſter Night iſsued much good-humoured Banter and harmleſs Kicking of Beggars. Indeed this conſtituted the firſt Occaſion theſe many Months gone, when the Vagabonds condeſcended for the moſte Part to forſake their cuſtomary Indolence and beſtir themſelves beneath the reſpectable Brogues and Boots of their Betters. At which Circumſtance the acknowledged Miſtreſs of the Surgeon General and ſundry Gentlemen of ſimilar Credentials, my Lady ffryghtenynge-Dymwytte, was taken with the Screeching Vapours and would not be calmed until the verie laft of theſe Vagrants and Gypſies ſhould be ſummarily hanged or in other Wiſe ejected from the Realm. Accordingly within the paſt few Houres I have, with ſome good quality American Cotton at my Eares, compiled ſeverall dozen Petitions for cleaner Streets and a Final Solution to the Homeleſsneſs Problem, which I hope may receive due and prompt Attention. For in the approaching Abſence of the Woo Han Peſtilence there will be a renewed Neceſsitie of tough Deciſions concerning the Queſtion of the Breeding Poore and how to reſtore the proper Balance of Demiſes to their pullulant Numeroſity, particularly if the preſent Spate of temperate Winters ſhould perſiſt in its inconſiderate Continuation.

Queen of Hearts

One of the less defensible fronts in Britain's ongoing statuary war has now been closed thanks to a strategic retreat by councillors in Margaret Thatcher's birthplace. Faced with a global pandemic and the worst economic recession in a generation, an iconic Conservative council has responded according to its primitive fetishistic instincts, by trying to raid the public purse for purposes of partisan rah-rah. Initial plans to soak the taxpayer for a hundred thousand in order to raise the old bag's image in ten feet of bronze have now been scrapped in favour of sponging on the private sector, though not before an enterprising local sculptor was moved to set up a plaster head on a pike, complete with handbag at the base, for a fraction of the cost.

Decent Chaps Doing Jolly Things

Long a happy hunting ground for Her Majesty's Government's favourite fundamentalist head-choppers, Yemen is to receive a further invigorating dose of Global British fair play. Since the situation continues to worsen, there seems little point in throwing good money after bad, so the Symonds-Stratton administration is cutting by half its already meagre humanitarian dole. It is to be hoped that this compassionate and foresighted gesture will compensate in some measure for any losses incurred by the wog-bombing House of Saud through the unconstructive attitude of the Biden administration. Although the World Cop has bestowed a Richard Nixon pardon upon the Saudi crown prince for his part in the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, the Saudi rampage in Yemen may in future be forced to confine itself to defensive measures. Presumably we may safely conclude that the tools of Khashoggi's disposal were purely defensive in nature, but it remains as yet unclear whether the head-chopping House of Saud will continue to be permitted the kind of defence that the US is wont to deploy against such menaces as Latin American voters and Iraqi weapons of mass nonexistence.