The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, May 31, 2024

Fuelling Concern

Despite having been represented in Parliament by a Conservative MP, and by no less a Conservative MP than Jeremy C Hunt, some six hundred households in Surrey appear to have fallen victim to corporate negligence and crumbling infrastructure. Those efficient Thames Water people have warned against drinking their tap water, which has been contaminated by a leak from a supermarket petrol pump. Residents have been complaining about the leak for the past three years; fortunately this year an election has been called, so the Chuntcellor has now deigned to notice it. On the bright side, the presence of petrol in the water may kill off a few parasites, provided they are smaller than the Chuntcellor or the average recipient of a Thames Water executive salary.

Thursday, May 30, 2024

Our Worthy Heirs

That great statesman, the National Johnson, once pronounced that the reason for Africa's postcolonial problems lay not in the mere facts of military invasion, economic exploitation, social disruption, legal dehumanisation and moral improvement, but in the fact that all these blessings were withdrawn too soon. Yet even the National Johnson is not immune to error, and the former British colony of Nigeria has convincingly rebutted the Johnsonian model of history by adopting a thoroughly British solution to its current government's difficulties. Economic crisis and runaway inflation are to be combated with a change to the national anthem; though certainly not a change to some vulgar and untried jingle that might suggest some sort of new beginning. A law was rushed through this week to depose Arise, O Compatriots, which has held the position since the military junta of the nineteen-seventies, and to reinstate Nigeria, We Hail Thee, which was adopted on gaining independence in 1960. Although the merely real-world consequences for Nigeria's economy remain as yet unclear, this unequivocal confirmation of its enduring cultural Britishness will indubitably count for something or other where it really matters.

Wednesday, May 29, 2024

Falling Standard

Like one or two other things that used to be run by George Osborne, the Evening Standard has become unsustainable. Working from home and modern times are apparently to blame, as they are for so much else; and the boardroom plans to consult with staff and external stakeholders, doubtless in that order, to determine whose investments deserve protection and who ought to be sacked. Among the efficiency measures is a plan to replace the daily paper with a weekly one, which would permit a more in-depth quality of panic-mongering and Khan-bashing than has hitherto been feasible. In the meantime, deprived Londoners can at least console themselves with the thought that, even with a Team Starmer government in prospect, the amount of right-wing trash on London's streets may soon undergo a significant reduction.

Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Cultural Digestion

In an outbreak of screaming good taste remarkable even for current levels of cultural Britishness, a firm by the superbly inspiring name of Inventive Productions is pushing an "immersive cocktail experience" in which, rather than imitating olives as the label seems to indicate, bar patrons dress up and role-play as prison inmates while staff pose as old lags and corrupt guards. Subtly named Alcotraz, the experience is allegedly intended as a subtle reference to various cinematic and televisual soap operas set in the prison system. Nevertheless, despite the subtlety, organisations representing prisoners and ex-prisoners have expressed some annoyance at the perceived trivialisation of the system's brutalities. Admittedly there seems a distinct echo, duly vulgarised for the corporate age, of Marie Antoinette playing milkmaid; and doubtless the time is not far distant when Auschwitz itself will graduate from playing backdrop in "serious" Netflix romantic dramas to the still greater subtleties of the hospitality trade.

Monday, May 27, 2024

Incredible Values, Wonderful Proportions

In the wake of the latest rah-rah by the strutting Caudillo emeritus of the Farage Falange, His Majesty's Government is naturally concerned to put clear blue water between acceptable and unacceptable Islamophobia. Shrewdly, it extruded a Foreign Office minister for the task, thus demonstrating from the outset exactly how British it considers British Muslims to be. The strutting Caudillo had proclaimed that forty-six per cent of British Muslims are Hamas supporters; which, given that the Righteous State itself has proclaimed that Hamas runs UNWRA and much of the world, may well be an underestimate. Even taken stricto sensu, the great man's words mean that fifty-four per cent of British Muslims do not support Hamas; and it was doubtless this über-Brexit majority to whom the minister referred when she gushed that a vast proportion of British Muslims, at least in the north-east of England, are wonderful and peace-loving and community-minded and probably understand almost every word real Britons say to them, including the word "proportion." Another and much smaller proportion does indeed wish to challenge British values, and it is this proportion which votes for the fiend Khan and his knife-crime syndicate, and goes around saying Allahu akhbar on protest marches that express an un-British hatred for ethnic cleansing. As an example of her own devotion to the values of the master race (freedom of speech and freedom of choice, both incredibly important and neither available elsewhere without a direct infusion of Britishness), the minister proceeded to defend teenage conscription and unpaid labour, with unspecified penalties for non-participation. What proportion of the Farage Falange may be quaking in its jackboots as a result remains as yet unclear.

Sunday, May 26, 2024

Keep to the Right Bedfellows

As might be expected from the energy security spokesbeing of a party which will most likely allow all Fishy Rishi's oil and gas licences to go ahead, the Upper Milibeing has been wagging the finger at Just Stop Oil over its lack of political tact. Although the climate crisis is an emergency and must be treated as such, any emergency measures must be sufficiently sensible and moderate to avoid inconveniencing drivers, fossil fuel corporations, and other deserving citizens. The Milibeing criticised Just Stop Oil for tactics that risk alienating people who might otherwise be willing to help; which is certainly not a mistake that Team Starmer, with its nuanced, non-ideological and forensic approach to witch-hunts and its enthusiastic embrace of defectors from the far right, could safely be accused of making.

Saturday, May 25, 2024

Practical Benefits

Patriots will rejoice at the right royal Britishness now ruling at Clerrents Hice, one of only eight non-secondary residences at the disposal of the nation's number one public servant, where a closure for short-term building work has been going on for the past five years with no end in sight. The original closure was extended during the pandemic when a spirit of noblesse oblige caused the Royal Collection Trust to sack a hundred and fifty experienced staff, who seem to have lacked sufficient feudal spirit to return in the aftermath. In addition, the country's casting aside of the Strasbrussels yoke has somehow failed to prevent a wog shortage, which now afflicts the entire tourism and hospitality industry. Fortunately, the delicate sensibilities of Team Battenberg prevent any sordid bureaucratic prying into the mere real-world effect of Britain's Ruritanian tushery; so nobody knows whether or not the continuing closure of Clerrents Hice makes any actual difference.

Friday, May 24, 2024

Miraculous Millennial

It's no secret that Vatican Incorporated has been put to some small expense in recent years thanks to the temptations posed by, among others, teenage boys. Nevertheless, the supreme leader of Mussolini's toy city-state has condescended to demonstrate forgiveness by canonising a millennial ephebe. The boy has been credited with the two requisite miracles, in one case effecting a cure through the touching of his raiment, and in the second causing a head injury to clear up by supernatural means despite the victim undergoing emergency surgery by qualified physicians and a week and a half in intensive care. It was doubtless in order to facilitate such interventions from beyond the grave that the All-Merciful afflicted the saintly stripling with leukaemia and did not trouble to save him as far as his sixteenth birthday.

Thursday, May 23, 2024

Voices of Prudence

If there are one or four members of His Majesty's likely soon-to-be-erstwhile Government whose achievement may yet be counted as historical, those one or four members may well be the Minister for Wog-bombing, whose assertion that the Heathen Chinee are providing "lethal aid" to their Russian ally has been shrugged off by Washington despite being unencumbered by supporting evidence. The US national security adviser made disapproving noises about the Heathen Chinee aiding the less than genocidal Russian war effort against the Ukrainian non-Arabs, and this without even building a compensatory humanitarian pier in the Sea of Azov; but said that the provision of actual weapons, as though Russia were the Righteous State and the Heathen Chinee the master race, has not been observed to date. It appears, therefore, that Britain's Minister for Wog-Bombing and their special relationship with reality have jointly and severally accomplished the truly historic feat of promulgating a Yellow Peril myth too groundless for an American to believe.

Wednesday, May 22, 2024

Northern Exposure

Since one can always fool enough of the people enough of the time, there are among the bastions of liberal democracy two pragmatic and politically acceptable approaches to the climate catastrophe. One is to pretend it doesn't exist; the other is to acknowledge its existence and do nothing about it. The nuances of the second approach range between Team Starmer's rolling back the green crap and the recognition of Chris Graybeing as an environmental activist; while the more decorative consequences of the first approach are becoming apparent in the planet's fastest-warming region. Permafrost in the Arctic Circle is melting and releasing metallic deposits into the rivers of Alaska, as well as into less important places such as Russia and Scandinavia. As a result, the rivers of Alaska have been exhibiting the colour of the Trumpster and his hydrophobic head-tribble since 2018; which is also the year the state elected its current climate-denying governor.

Tuesday, May 21, 2024

What He Would Have Wanted

Sing mediaeval hymn and lay to rest
The bones of this our Hampshire river's guest:
A John Doe killed at some point in betwixt
Noll Cromwell and that wimp Henry the Sixt,
And slain, to judge from hasty burying,
Without assist from holy Church or King.
Such relics would be churlish to refuse
A grave, though we know not what rites he'd choose.

Nor know we of his virtues or his crimes;
But one thing's sure: he lived in godly times
When all believed, and prudent men were quick
And loud denouncing witch and heretic.
Although one shouldn't say so at his wake,
He'd likely want us all burned at the stake.

Samuel Grimsnipe

Monday, May 20, 2024

Intimate Particles

It isn't every day that good news emerges from the kind of people who study dead testicles, but we live in interesting times. A New Mexico study of human and canine testes has discovered microplastics in every tested sample, with the concentration almost three times higher in the human. Besides being more plasticised, the huamn testes were less fresh than the canine; but the latter showed a correlation between high plastic content and low sperm count. Hence the good news: while microplastics pollute the environment and damage health, they also help to reduce the likelihood of more people being born to suffer and exacerbate such inconveniences.

Sunday, May 19, 2024

We Will Economise on the Beaches

As the eightieth anniversary approaches for Britain's last successful entry into Europe, it appears that the planned rah-rah may not attain quite the scale anticipated. According to the Rothermere Stürmer on Sunday, a commemorative parachute drop may have to be cut back owing to a shortage of aircraft. Fortunately, there is no shortage of Ministers for Victory in Europe, and Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath, Sebastian Fox and their weird little hanger-on have ordered an immediate review to ensure that RAF resources can keep up the nostalgia porn if not necesarily the Empire. In addition, some children will be led around 10 Downing Street by a noted tax-dodger in order to learn how Mr Churchill and a few Americans made the world safe for Israel.

Saturday, May 18, 2024

A Touch of Realism

Vatican Incorporated, whose entire business model is based upon the resurrection of a dead fundamentalist hate-preacher who was conceived of a virgin by a ghost, has taken decisive action to shield consumers of the aforesaid preacher's flesh and blood from any spurious supernatural manifestations. The current head of the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith (Grand Inquisitor, in Oldspeak) proclaimed, presumably with a straight face, that it was the Church's duty to "protect the faithful from all deception," if not from all discrimination, sexual abuse or financial chicanery. Accordingly, bishops will no longer have the power to proclaim alleged apparitions authentically supernatural, but will be permitted use of a six-step grading system until the Almighty can inform the Infallible whether or not He was joking.

Friday, May 17, 2024

Flux in Business

Despite having elected a Conservative MP, and a lockdown-libertarian face-mask-freedomising high-body-piler at that, it appears that part of Devon has fallen victim to a dirty little parasite. South West Water, whose last seven-figure fine for illegal sewage dumping was positively months ago, extruded a charmingly-misnomered spokesbeing called Flowerdew to pin the blame on a faulty valve, which doubtless went unrepaired because of insufficient shareholder dividends and miserly boardroom pay. South West Water did its bit for the national character by offering derisory levels of compensation and by advising Devon's brightest not only to boil their drinking water, but to cool it before consuming. Whatever one's opinion of moisture provision profiteers, one cannot help but admire the cess-pit depths of Britishness involved in causing an outbreak of diarrhoea just in time for the tourist season; to say nothing of making the water so dirty that every water drinker in the county may be obliged to dirty it more.

Thursday, May 16, 2024

The Courage to be Fried

The Christian state of Florida, in the person of its governor Ronald of the Saints, has adopted legislation which relegates climate change to its proper place as a hoax by the Heathen Chinee. A former Trumpster sceptic turned tangerine-squeezer, the sainted Ronald did his bit for the greatest economy in the world by largely removing the noun climate from the statute pamphlet and banning wind turbines anywhere near the state's considerable endowment of coastline. Florida suffers increasingly from rising seas, extreme heat and severe storms, but since those are all God's doing there seems little purpose in causing unnecessary dents in fossil fuel consumption. Polls apparently show that a majority of Floridians believe that climate change is real and that somebody ought to do something about it; which doubtless explains why Ronald of the Saints was voted in eighteen months ago with just under sixty per cent of the vote.

Wednesday, May 15, 2024

You Can Lead a Right-Wing Horticulture, But...

Somehow or other, despite His Majesty's Government having cut off British farmers' subsidies from the Strasbrussels bureaucrats and put nothing in their place, and despite all that has been done to erode the soil and poison the water, Britain's food security appears to have been disimproved. Who could possibly have predicted it? Fortunately, His Majesty's Government has proclaimed its usual unwavering support and promised to accompany the farming sector on every step of its decline, from which a minister or two and their chums are doubtless set to profit. In the meantime, while something called Steve made disapproving noises, something else called Steve ejaculated a bit of rah-rah about our new, vigorous life inside cutting-edge glasshouses and turbocharging our fruit and vegetable sector beyond the appointment of various specimens to successive Cabinets.

Tuesday, May 14, 2024

Cleaning Up

Contrary to what poor people and other Marxist ideologues would have you believe, money is not always a Good Thing. When it gets into the wrong hands (which include, but are not limited to, the hands of poor people), it can sometimes be a Very Bad Thing Indeed. Accordingly, a flunkey of Britain's glistening pink Minister for Wogs, Frogs, Huns and Hottentots has been wagging the finger at lesser breeds who launder money for "corrupt businessmen, bent politicians and war lords" and others of a complexion that would never be allowed to defile the virtuous asceticism of Lord Ashcroft, Fishy Rishi or Cameron of Tripoli. If Britain's overseas territories and crown dependencies persist in their unworthy behaviour, they will apparently be deprived of the monarchy and the Union Jack, although the extent to which this dire penalty has the miscreants quaking in their sandals remains as yet unclear.

Monday, May 13, 2024

Laborare est Orare

Presumably motivated by an ascetic preference for the treasures of the spirit, the Vatican Museums have repaid their employees for the filthy lucre their work brings in by imposing unsafe working conditions and clawing back salary that was paid during the Covid lockdowns. Allegedly, so trusting and forgiving are the soldiers of Christ that their staff are subject to disciplinary action if they take sick leave and are subsequently not at home to visiting Vatican doctors; naturally, excursions in quest of merely secular medicine are not exempt from this penalty. Anyone who didn't know better might suspect Catholicism's capital of harbouring a hint of Mussolinian despotism.

Sunday, May 12, 2024

Free Wheelchairs, the Shame of our Nation

In the usual spirit of British decency and fiscal prudence, which Team Starmer doubtless aspires to emulate if not to surpass, His Majesty's Government is taking a can-do attitude towards the abilities of disability scroungers. Those with multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy, arthritis and amputations are being turned down for personal independence payments some forty per cent of the time, besides the usual shirkers with cancer, spina bifida, muscular dystrophy, emphysema and the notorious migrants' malady of PTSD. Claims based on autism, anxiety and ADHD are already being met with sniggers of disdain as part of the Government's plan to cut spending on idle invalids and paraplegic parasites so as to leave more funds for tax cuts and wog-bombing. Assessments for personal independence payments are based on the suspects' ability to jump through various hoops before tribunals which rarely trouble themselves with the possibility that certain conditions and symptoms may not always be bureaucratically consistent in their manifestation; and applications are routinely turned down on the first attempt so as to provide beneficial exercise.

Saturday, May 11, 2024

Slow to Learn

Teachers, like nurses, are an uppity lot. It will be remembered that certain medical staff took their applause during the pandemic as some sort of indication that their working conditions should be improved; now an educational resource has taken her pre-pandemic winning of a National Teaching Award as a licence to re-write history and undermine our island story of stout white chaps doing jolly decent things. She even goes so far as to demand, of all things, time and resources for the purpose of embedding such un-Britishness in the national curriculum, apparently by displacing Mr Churchill and Sir Francis Drake in favour of various obscure figures who didn't know their place. And all this despite her own status as a female from non-British stock who idles away her time in a profession that is not only not considered important but is held in clear and frequently displayed contempt; and who nevertheless has not yet been deported.

Friday, May 10, 2024

Pragmatic Protection

It is rare if not impossible for the habitually crude, thuggish and inept British Home Office to aspire to the Jesuitical cunning of the Vatican; but the spirit seems to be willing, albeit after its crude, inept and thuggish fashion. After an inquiry lasting seven years, legislation to make mandatory the reporting of child sexual abuse will not apply to those professionals most likely to work with abused children. Teachers, doctors and nurses will not be affected by the law; neither will head-teachers, football club managers, scout leaders or care home executives. Nor will mere indications be enough: punishment being more British than prevention, there must be hard evidence such as photographs or a signed confession that abuse has taken place. In a poetic touch, the maximum sentence for failing to report will match the length of time the inquiry took to recommend more effective measures; however, this will apply only to diplomats and members of the armed forces, presumably because there is such a thing as too many denunciations even for the British Home Office.

Thursday, May 09, 2024

Good as Gold

Despite his country's position as a key western ally, and doubtless only coincidentally with his personal reputation for human rights abuses, British officials have given the rah-rah to Uganda's newly-appointed chief of defence. Uganda is seen by the forces of the journalistic passive voice as a vital champion of economic and political integration: a process which, despite its toxic effect on the democracy of the master race, is evidently good enough for east Africans. A dossier filed with the International Criminal Court last year claims that the Ugandan government has used torture and arbitrary arrest, and Britain has imposed sanctions on three individuals for corruption, though not for supporting electoral over-assertiveness or the death penalty for homosexuality and imprisonment for its "promotion"; possibly His Majesty's Government succumbed to nostalgia for the sainted Thatcher and her Clause 28. The new defence chief also happens to be the president's son, which demonstrates at least that they share the British establishment's devotion to family values.

Wednesday, May 08, 2024

Political Headaches

Britons unhappy with their likely electoral choice between the current and former parties of Natalie Elphicke might spare a thought for voters in the USA, whose likely options for chief executive are limited to business as usual and the return of the tangerine tyrant. Even the local equivalent of the Liberal Democrats is a babbling demagogue with a brain so toxic that a parasitic worm apparently died after ingesting some of it. Brain trouble runs in the Kennedy clan, of course, from Ted's fatal cancer to the unsolicited opening of John F's mind in Dallas; but with at least one other candidate possessed of a hollow cranium filled entirely with the diarrhoeic defecations of a hydrophobic head-tribble, the mere attested presence of a partial cerebrum is arguably an advantage of sorts, even in the country that elected Ronald Reagan twice and the Bush chimpanzee once.

Tuesday, May 07, 2024

Britain Wags the Finger Really Quite Hard

Breaking international law can be a Bad Thing under certain circumstances, according to Britain's deputy Minister for Wogs, Frogs, Huns and Hottentots. Since the World Cop by the grace of God has requested that the first two days of Israel's assault on Rafah be approximately as consequence-free as all the preceding phases of the Gaza cleansing, the underling made the purely moral point that an attack which was excessively enthusiastic without being sufficiently genocidal might actually strengthen the Hamas Untermenschen. Since the human beasts have shown sufficient cunning to agree to the wrong ceasefire, Britain and its UN subordinates also had little alternative but to demand unequivocally that the Righteous State lift its blockade of humanitarian aid, on pain of further sanctions being inflicted upon Russia and Iran. One wonders how the Israelis have held out this long.

Monday, May 06, 2024

England Your England

There is something about satire that brings out the worst in critics; most often by turning them into pseudo-psychologists. The work of Ambrose Bierce was long subject to dismissal-by-diagnosis, as a product of the traumas of the Civil War combined with a pathological hatred of his parents, his wife, his friends and the universe in general. Karl Kraus was revenge-pathologised by a disciple of Freud, in a manner which Freud himself criticised as uncharitable. George Orwell's essay on Gulliver's Travels assumes that the narrator's voice in Part Four is that of Swift himself, and that Gulliver's deranged rejection of human animality and embrace of the values of a non-human species are uncritically endorsed by his creator.

Naturally, Orwell's own Nineteen Eighty-Four has come in for similar treatment. Having attacked authoritarian tendencies on the political left and defended the old-fashioned virtues, Orwell has retained a certain respectability among the British establishment; and Animal Farm, a specific allegory of the Russian revolution, can doubtless be enjoyed with a told-you-so snigger across the acceptable spectrum of British political thought. While often consigned, even by favourably-disposed critics, to the same consoling category, Nineteen Eighty-Four has always seemed to me a rather more awkward proposition.

When I first encountered the book, the standard interpretation was that it was a prophecy of the future (an inaccurate prophecy, hence verging for some on - shudder - science fiction), perhaps unduly pessimistic in outlook and a bit distasteful in its torture scenes; or else that it was a warning of the dire consequences should the beastly Russians ever be permitted what are now known as "legitimate security concerns." Orwell himself must take some responsibility for these caricatures, having bestowed Stalin's moustache on Big Brother (whose face, in accordance with the principles of doublethink, surely ought to change continually); yet The Theory and Practice of Oligarchical Collectivism makes clear that the state of Oceania is a product, not of Soviet aggression, but of a special relationship between the British Empire and the United States. And Newspeak is specifically an adaptation of the English language, which makes Nineteen Eighty-Four rather less overtly Russophobic than A Clockwork Orange.

It seemed obvious to me from fairly early on that Orwell's dystopia was a picture of the world as it is; and the portrait has remained applicable through the Cold War, the War on Terror, and the current wars for peace - all of which, of course, have been episodes of the same ongoing war for freedom, democracy and civilised values. Recently it occurred to me that the book can also be read as a portrait of Englishness; if a slightly less charitable one than that in The Lion and the Unicorn. The class system is there, determined by character rather than family values but still as uncompromising as ever; the poverty and inefficiency are there, faced with expressions of quiet optimism while mass resentment is redirected into organised xenophobia and popularised witch-hunts. Even the Party's view of sex as a "slightly disgusting minor operation" and its faith in painful compulsion as the best way to keep society going are the pure stuff of respectable Englishness.

In his essays Orwell both lambasted English hypocrisy and dubiously insisted on its virtue as a restraining influence: the presence of hypocrisy, he wrote, at least implies the presence of a moral code. In Nineteen Eighty-Four, doublethink is institutionalised hypocrisy; the moral code is an Orwellian patriotism (my Party right or wrong, or both); and here we still are. Whatever the virtues or otherwise in his critique of SOC, there have been few more compelling assaults than Orwell's against the cosy complacency of ING.

Sunday, May 05, 2024

Sensible Moderation Held to Ransom

In a modern democracy, there is very little point in appealing to people who don't matter. A political party for the whole country must of necessity stamp on the kind of people who need to be stamped on in order to benefit the whole country's owners. Hence Team Starmer has spent years transforming the Labour Party by purging it of ideology and commitments to the little people and replacing them with robust, pragmatic pledges to corporations, squillionaires, landlords and media barons. Unfortunately, at least one trade union appears unable to grasp the subtleties involved in being a party for working people, and is making threats to withdraw election funding if plans to improve workers' rights go the same way as the plans on nationalising public services, abandoning fossil fuel contracts, reforming social security, rationalising our relationship with the EU, taxing those who can afford it, and the famous Twenty-eight Billion. Union funds rightfully destined for Team Starmer's campaign to poach the right sort of voter from the Conservatives and Reform UK might then be used instead to subvert Labour's parliamentary expenses claimants, for all the world as if Labour were meant to be a party for those working people who have yet to attain management pay-grades. Fortunately, the funds in question amount to less than thirty million, and for that sort of small change Team Starmer can always go cap in hand to Supreme Leader Murdoch.

Saturday, May 04, 2024

Southern Fried Employee

As might be expected given the increasing number of people being incapacitated by heat exhaustion or dropping dead from heatstroke, the Christian state of Florida is working to deprive people of protection from the heat. Although several states have passed laws obliging employers to provide protection, there are no federal statutes to that effect and Florida's governer, Ronald of the Saints, has recently signed in a law prohibiting local municipalities enacting any. The prohibition was included as an amendment to a bill reducing restrictions on child labour, which serves only to compound the Christian charity of the enterprise.

Friday, May 03, 2024

Going Under

During his mid-term difficulties in the spring of 1945, Mr Churchill's great contemporary robustly reproached the USSR and its allies for refusing to be driven back by the supremely powerful armies conjured up in his patriotic imagination. Instead the Reich's invaders persisted in defeating troops afflicted with mere carnal actuality, with deplorable if temporary results for the cause of European fantasy politics. In a similar spirit, the Department for Increasing Emissions (DIE) has greeted its latest courtroom Stalingrad with the complaint that the unelected enemies of the people would do better to rah-rah the Government's grand plans than pooh-pooh the petty processes by which it fails to realise them. The high court has found that the carbon reduction action plan (CRAP) emitted by one of Michael Green's pseudonyms is unlawful, and that its approval was not justified by, of all things, evidence. Whether the situation will be improved by Fishy Rishi's decision to allow offshore wind turbines to be used as literal cover for fossil fuel drilling remains to be seen; but doubtless there are maps in the Westminster Führerbunker that make the whole thing crystal clear.

Thursday, May 02, 2024

Innocence Abroad

Those currently bleating that cuts in international aid and support for the Netanyahoo's ethnic cleansing have lost Britain some sort of moral status would do well to look into our glamorous history of fair play with the Chagossians. Arbitrarily evicted from their homeland for the convenience of Britain's favourite ally, some were granted the right to British citizenship mere decades later. Others were deported to Mauritius and the Seychelles, and Mauritius is now claiming the Chagos Ialands as its own and issuing identity documents defining Chagossians as Mauritians. Having acted unlawfully in decolonising Mauritius without decolonising the Chagos Islands, Britain is negotiating with Mauritius on the issue of sovereignty, and has chivalrously refused to permit the Chagossians so much as observer status: doubtless Britain's glistening pink Secretary of State for Lesser Breeds shares the Mauritian government's inability to tell Mauritians and Chagossians apart. Lord Dave, whose noble countenance would indubitably blotch puce should the Strasbrussels dictatorship seek to re-define Britons as Europeans, has also reversed the policy of his predecessor and ruled out any resettlement of the islands; presumably because his predecessor was James Cleverly and resettlement has three syllables too many. Despite its moral status, Britain's Ministry for Wog Disposal apparently declined to comment on the matter.

Wednesday, May 01, 2024

No Head for Business

Eighteen human skulls from ancient Egypt have been withdrawn from legal sale, apparently because things that once belonged to colonialists and fascists should never be sold and because human remains, like six-week embryo Americans, have the dignity and rights of human beings. The inanimate objects in question date from the second millennium BCE, and were originally housed in citizens of an aggressively militarist and expansionist nation whose culture and religion have been defunct slightly longer than those of the British Empire. Having presumably been judged by Osiris and passed on to their reward some little time ago, the rightful owners of the skulls are unlikely to be much concerned about how some far-removed heathens treat the bits they left behind. It is true that the skulls were acquired by a Victorian colonialist who subscribed to the then-fashionable theory of phrenology, and subsequently by his fascist grandson; and the claim that selling the property of dead persons endorses the values held by those persons is very nearly as sensible as the idea that the psychological features of a human being can be read in the lumps on their cranium.