Sovereignty First

Yet another citizen of nowhere with a funny name has crawled from the cockroach-ridden woodwork to imply that Her Majesty's Government may not be fully in control of its taking back of control. The chair of the European parliament's civil liberties, justice and home affairs committee has warned Tin-Pot Tessie against threatening withdrawal from co-operation on security and defence, only a month after Tin-Pot Tessie threatened withdrawal from co-operation on security and defence. Once Britain has freed itself from the toils of the European Court of Justice and taken its proper place among such internationalist powers as the United States of Trump, there will of course be no further need to defend the safety and security of European citizens unless there's something in it for us. Naturally, the citizen of nowhere is seeking to complicate this very simple matter by calling for Britain to accept the legal authority of the European Court of Justice in a transitional deal, rather than taking the sort of direct, straightforward action a Douglas Carswell might understand, and thereby returning control of British law and justice to the enemies of the people here on the mainland.

Go Slower With Graybeing

Japan has some of the fastest and most modern trains in the world, so the brilliant Chris Graybeing has decided to try and help the poor things out. A Canadian company with the refreshingly war-winning name of Bombardier builds rolling stock in Derby, which is just about good enough to be flogged to Britain's own fragmented, profiteering shambles of a railway network; so naturally the brilliant Graybeing has ordered the Japanese to start buying it too. "What Chris was saying to the Japanese was, ‘Yes, your train engines are great, but actually your suburban trains are inferior to what’s produced by Bombardier’," babbled a Graybeing spokesbeing. This certainly sounds like the sort of approach that would impress some strange little yellow people, and praise for the Graybeing vision was indeed quick to ooze from the great man's erstwhile coalition colleague Norman Baker, as well as from the doubtless appropriately-surnamed Europhobe James Cleverly. The spokesbeing also proclaimed accurately that, thanks to Tin-Pot Tessie and her minions, "we're probably the world leaders in tunnelling," although the global market for getting into holes and then keeping right on digging is a little overcrowded at the moment.

Why Can't They Just Be Hypocrites Like Normal Civilised People?

Shockingly enough, in spite of the late Head Boy's victory rah-rah some years ago, the uncivilised tribes in Afghanistan do not appear to have caught up with his enlightened attitude to LGBT people, and prefer instead the British values of the potent, pig-sticking Bullingdon boy who supported Clause 28. A similar attitude has now been adopted by the Ministry for Wog Disposal, whose new guidelines rule that gay Afghan asylum seekers should expect to find a hostile environment in Tin-Pot Tessie's North Korea of muscular Christianity. Since all they need do in order to ensure their safety is deny their own identity, the Home Office sees no particular reason why the new, outward-looking Britain should have to clog itself up with excess homosexuals. Like the well-known free-speech squealer Milo Yiannopoulos, the Home Office blithely equates tolerance of paedophilia with acceptance of non-heterosexuals: a cultural insight so charming that even the Home Office's own Afghan unit choked. And just think of all those gay British jobs that will be saved for British workers.

Brows Furrow, Veins Throb and There Commences a Hideous Parody of Cerebration

After only several years of the London Haystack's defiance of pompous Euro-wog regulations of British air, the Government has noticed that pollution in London is a Bad Thing, possibly for no other reason than that London now has a darky Labour mayor. That brilliant intellect and sometime cyclist-clobberer Chris Graybeing has taken decisive action: he has advised readers of the Rothermere Daily Stürmer to "take a long, hard think" before buying a car. It's typical enough of ministers to advise the proles to take action of which they themselves are morally and physically incapable; doubtless the fruits of Graybeing's homily will be apparent in the coming year's statistics for cerebral haemorrhage among the Stürmer-reading populace. In the longer term, the Government plans to use public money to bribe motorists to buy greener (there, presumably, goes another chunk of the National Health Service's weekly £350 million Brexit bonanza) because the spending of public money on public transport is forbidden by religious doctrine.

Alternative Energy

Some investment bankers and a climate change denier have very newsworthily criticised the Government's pitifully inadequate clean-energy measures for going too far. A cross-party group from Parliament's House of Donors and Droolers has proclaimed that the Government should stop giving priority to its legal obligations under the Climate Change Act (to say nothing of permitting the country to remain humanly habitable) and should instead concentrate on cutting bills for potential Conservative voters. Since recent price increases are mainly due to higher gas prices, the noble peers naturally advocate making it easier for fossil fuel power plants to operate. The committee includes the failed chancellor Norman Lamont, and also Andrew Turnbull, who - although Britain's leading liberal newspaper did not see fit to mention it - is coincidentally a trustee of the Global Warming Policy Foundation, the climate-change-denying thick-tank chaired by the ludicrous Nigel Lawson.

Munich Syndrome

So eager is the Imperial Haystack to maintain close and friendly relations with the Euro-wogs that he has followed up his implication that anyone who deprives an ex-member of club privileges is a Nazi with an equally tactful reference to Britain's stamping and squealing its way out as a "liberation". It remains as unclear as ever which specific laws and rules were forcibly imposed by Brussels and/or Strasbourg without the democratic ratification of our Mother of Parliaments, as a Swedish MEP was tactless enough to point out. The Haystack, who likes to confound junior ticks by blathering in Latin, accused her of being pompous although, despite her being a filly, and a Scandinavian filly to boot, he managed to restrain himself from quoting the strutting ex-Caudillo of the Farage Falange on the subject of Sweden's rape statistics. One does wonder, however, given his obvious sensitivity to the oppressive Euro-wog yoke, why the Imperial Haystack should have declared his wish to maintain a close relationship. Has the Churchill in his shaving-mirror been edged out by a Quisling, or even a Lord Haw-Haw?

Out of the Silent Planets

Fury at xenomorphic apathy

The purely theoretical inhabitants of the Trappist-1 planetary system have responded with equanimity to the excitement they have inadvertently caused in one of the less gentrified districts of the universe.

Simian astronomers on a small blue planet which is rapidly turning black have registered considerable emotion at the thought of discovering alien life in the middle of a local extinction event caused by their own species.

Although the potential for commercial exploitation of the hypothetical xenoids remains as yet unclear, the British government has stated that it will be happy to sell the aliens weapons and train their police forces.

The statement went on to say that no infringement of British sovereignty would be tolerated, and that the aliens should not imagine that the purely speculative nature of their existence would entitle them to get away with any liberties.

The aliens themselves, so far, have not responded to requests for comment and have shown very few signs of being perturbed by the controversy.

Hopeful Signs

There is, as we know because the race-baiting Clegg-pledger Amber Rudd has told us, no better deterrent to a people-trafficker than refusing to help refugees; and if one can also renege on a commitment involving help for vulnerable children, then so much the more salutary. Traffickers in Libya have been doing a roaring trade since the late Head Boy's freedomisation of the country through wog-bombing and laissez-mourir liberalism, and they have responded to the latest moral lesson in admirably entrepreneurial fashion. Rather than going to the trouble and expense of shipping refugees to Europe, they are taking the engines off their boats so that more people can be crammed on board, and then abandoning the refugees at sea; which has resulted in yet further security for at least seventy-four British jobs. The practice of charging poor people money for promises on which one has no intention of delivering seems to indicate that the uncivilised tribes are at last making substantial progress towards genuine democracy.

Bringing the War Within Almost But Not Quite Measurable Distance of Something or Other

Remarkably enough, despite the late Head Boy's official victory rah-rah nearly two and a half years ago, it appears that our mission to civilise the fuzzy-wuzzies in Afghanistan is not quite so accomplished as we had been led to believe. The blustering blimp at the Ministry for Wog-Bombing has repeated last week's suggestion by the flunkey in charge of cannon-fodder that, thanks to the stability achieved through sixteen years of military intervention, total collapse can be prevented only by further military intervention. Such a collapse, blubbered the blustering blimp, would result in "three to four million young Afghan men sent out by their villages to migrate westwards" and, no doubt, to perform hideous Islamic acts of job-stealing upon our lily-white memsahibs, whatever prophylactic measures may be taken in the meantime by the Home Office and its efficient child-jailing chums at G4S. If it was right to go in and cock things up, blathered the blustering blimp (I paraphrase slightly), then it cannot be right to leave before we've cocked things up as thoroughly as can be managed.

It Couldn't Happen Here

So dedicated are the Heathen Chinee to their anti-American hoax that they have called in an architect who is foreign even to them in an effort to green their most polluted cities. Stefano Boeri, who designs buildings coated with plant life, has been commissioned to build two neighbouring towers covered in trees and shrubs, and has hopes of applying the principle to an entire city in the near future. Although Britain is a world leader in the fight against climate change, thanks to our American frackers and Franco-Chinese radiation hazards, there is of course no necessity for any such extreme measures here because of the quantity of vegetable matter at the highest levels of Government.

Lower Countries

Geologists in the well-known British Imperial possession of New Zealand have discovered that those humble islands are an outcrop of a large submerged mass which answers all the criteria for a continent, except for the minor one of being above water; and since many more land-masses are likely to become submerged in the near future, it hardly seems fair to quibble over that. The new Imperial territory has been named Zealandia, and governments worldwide are no doubt considering the possibilities of ambassadorships for their nations' more inconvenient luminaries. It is understood that our own Foreign and Colonial Office has already made appropriate diplomatic overtures, ordering the continent to sell its resources cheap and forbidding migration to the British mainland.

Efficiency Savings

Mere experts have once again attempted to put a spoke in the well-oiled machine that is Jeremy C Hunt's National Health Service. Researchers have published the extraordinary claim that unprecedented cuts to public health services have led to an unprecedented rise in excess mortality. The Government, which prefers its excess mortality confined to fictitious "weekend spikes", the better to motivate junior doctors, has naturally shrugged the whole thing off, since the researchers are from a medical institution, an academic institution and a local authority in, if you please, the north of England; hence their links to the Conservative Party or its chums, and thus their scientific impartiality towards alternative facts, must at best be dubious.

Rewriting History

The French presidential candidate Emmanuel Macron has "sparked Algeria row", according to the headlines of Britain's leading liberal newspaper, by saying something that provoked a fascist to patriotic indignation. Macron referred to France's colonial history in Algeria as a crime against humanity, and said that the nation must face up to its past and apologise to those who suffered. Worse yet, he said it in Algiers, surrounded by the very same sort of people who carry out fictitious sex attacks in Frankfurt. Having taken a day or two to get over her moral shock, Marine Le Pen had a squeal on Facebook; while the conservative and possible crook François Fillon accused Macron of disliking history and of "continual repentance" after the fashion of our own Mau Mau-hugging Britain-bashers who can't even find a bit of rah-rah in the Somme. Fillon himself has referred to France's colonial past as a "cultural exchange", which is a bit more woolly and liberal than the idea that We did all the giving and They did all the taking, but still not quite how the uppity wogs tend to see matters.

Making Them Pay

Having waited an excruciating two and a half years since its last execution, the Christian state of Arizona is evidently becoming desperate for a fix. A hundred and nineteen convicts are awaiting the enrichment of God's justice, but the necessary drugs for lethal injections are difficult to come by these days. Though other states are settling for such unimaginative solutions as varying the method of execution, the Christian state of Arizona has hit upon a solution whose ecumenical blend of Protestant parsimony and Jesuitic simplicity rivals that of our own Conservative Party's efforts to fine people for pleading not guilty. The state's new protocol for corrective fatalities invites lawyers for the condemned, or the lawyers' accredited representatives, to provide the agents of justice with phenobarbital or sodium pentothal - always provided, of course, that they can obtain them legally and from a reputable supplier.

He Serves A Higher Law

Britain's glorious new era of global trade through abandoning and insulting its biggest market may have an unexpected theological dimension. Families of those who were martyred to the Reverend Blair's special relationship with the White House chimpanzee are trying to find out how the country's act of self-mutilation will affect their attempts at legal action. Since Britain's unwritten constitution clearly states that a wog-bomber can do no wrong, the vindictive bereaved have been forced to appeal for funds to pay for the continued harassment of his reverence, and to find out how the permanent re-orientation of our economy towards the Trumpster's financial interests will influence matters. The Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair is probably not quite so wealthy as the Trumpster, at least as regards the present gross material plane of existence; but the moral and spiritual payoffs of his long fight for profitable peace in the Middle East must surely be equal to a gold-plated lift or two.

Will They Never Learn?

Once again it has become apparent that the Euro-wogs have misunderstood their relationship with the mainland: apparently they believe themselves to be eligible for, of all things, legitimate concerns about British nationals. The British régime has repeatedly made it clear that Euro-wogs who have the temerity to be taxpayers on the mainland need not leave the country yet, and the Home Office has efficiently rubbed the message in by ordering several of them to pack their bags. Nevertheless, the Brussels bureaucrats are determined to make life difficult for those members of the master race who have condescended to grace the continent with their civilising presence, and the legal affairs junta is even dragging its feet over agreeing to the sort of transitional deal that the prima donna in charge of Brexit and the vole-brained ex-Minister for Werritty probably settled on the back of an envelope months ago. Acute consternation of the moral sense is no doubt stalking Whitehall, where the very corridors will be aghast at the ingratitude.

Intolerably Threatened

An authoritarian régime headed by a man-child with a bad haircut has responded with the usual noises to North Korea's latest attack on fish. A US official, speaking anonymously in case the Beloved Trumpster changes his mind in favour of re-igniting the officially continuing Korean War, said that the administration had been expecting a "provocation" and would show resolve while avoiding escalation. Meanwhile, there will doubtless be concern at Her Majesty's Government's Ministry for Wog-Bombing over the fact that the missile itself landed in the Sea of Japan instead of on the Heathen Chinee, thus demonstrating that North Korea's delivery systems have a better sense of direction than Trident.

What Can They Be Up To?

It is of course well-known that Orientals have an enigmatic and subtle sense of humour, but the Heathen Chinee seem to be carrying things a bit far with their climate change hoax. We have the Trumpster's word for it that the Heathen Chinee invented global warming as a means to wreck the American economy; and given its enthusiasm for shale-fracking and continual kicking of the solar industry, presumably Her Majesty's Government agrees with him. Accordingly, the Heathen Chinee have felt bound to carry on the joke by building what is reputedly the world's biggest solar energy farm, although experts have stated that self-interest may be involved. It is all very enigmatic and treacherous, no doubt.

World-Class Britishness

Further doubt has been cast upon the capacity of Her Majesty's Government to inflict nuclear genocide from the sea, as anonymous sources for the scumbag press claim that all seven of the Royal Navy's attack submarines are out of action. Four of the boats are in a class called Trafalgar, after a previous victory against the prospect of a united Europe; symbolically enough for British values, the last of these was built thirty years ago and they are allegedly "on their last legs". The remaining three boats are classed Astute, presumably after Liam Fox, and have been known to suffer such minor operational difficulties as failing to detect Scotland. Improvements have since been made, and the submarines are now thought more or less capable of avoiding collision with bits of continent, although they still have trouble with smaller objects.

Champions of Containment

Having dumped the Dubs amendment, which would have swamped our British values with up to seven refugee children per local authority, the Ministry for Wog Disposal has trashed the Dubs amendment's flat, broken the Dubs amendment's furniture and posted revenge porn on the Dubs amendment's Facebook page. The care and welfare of families scheduled for deportation is to be entrusted no longer to the Barnardo's children's charity, but to those efficient people at G4S, whose record of compassionate probity is second only to that of the Conservative Party. A "discrete self-contained unit" (child prison, in Standard English) will open in the spring, and G4S will be required to "provide support to children and families while they await their removal, to help them to come to terms with the plans for their return and to help them make preparations for their departure and future resettlement" - a programme which may or may not include education and other luxuries which are properly the preserve of the wealthy, but which will almost certainly be carried out in such a fashion as to hurt the wogs more than the profits. It remains as yet unclear whether G4S will be permitted, as was its recent policy, to charge the taxpayer for containing those fiendishly cunning wogs who take advantage of our generosity by not actually existing.

Why I Am A Conservative

Conservatives are cautious and take care
To keep preserved what good's already there;
Conservatives believe in rule of law,
And keeping on with what has been before.
Conservatives would hesitate to mess
With seven decades of the NHS,
Or scrawl a new unprofitable border
To grovel to some corporate marauder.
Conservatives would doubt that it is worth
The outlay cost to cook and drown the Earth;
Some even lean towards the Powellite,
And think that we should keep the Arctic white.
Conservatives, in sum, are not the same
As those baboons who now besmear the name.

Samuel Grimsnipe

A Great Trading Nation

Meddling do-gooders are attempting to interfere in the beautiful friendship between Her Majesty's Government and its chums in the head-chopping House of Saud. The Campaign Against the Arms Trade has argued in a judicial review that weapons exports should not be allowed to go ahead in the event of a clear risk of human rights abuses, breaches of international law, and no doubt lots of other things the British Neoliberal Party doesn't care about; and, true to treacherous form, a senior civil servant has been whinging and whining about mere facts instead of how jolly and barnstormingly entrepreneurial our island story continues to be. In this case, the facts concern Sajid Javid, who at the time was the token darky in the Bullingdon cabinet. He was warned that British weapons might be used to kill civilians in the Saudi rampage in Yemen; but, even assuming he cared, he was only the business secretary, which is to say that the Bullingdons considered him a reasonable substitute for Vincent Cable. Over the past two years, Her Majesty's Government has licensed the selling of £3.3 billion in wog-bombing toys, all of them no doubt clearly labelled Not to be used for nefarious purposes; the head-chopping House of Saud has investigated its own conduct to the satisfaction of Boris Johnson; and yet, somehow or other, the questions still continue.

Deplorably Unambitious

Despite his recent decision that Vladimir Putin's chum Bashar al-Assad is really a rather rah-rah sort of chap after all, the Imperial Haystack still intends ordering the Euro-wogs to continue their sanctions against Russia. The Nazi-style punishment beatings were imposed over Putin's annexation of the Crimea, and widened when a Malaysian jet was shot down with a Russian missile; although sanctions against Britain over civilian deaths in Yemen will presumably have to wait until after the Continent cuts itself adrift from the mainland.

Meanwhile, the Euro-wogs have continued their meddling with Britain's precious if migrant-polluted air, the distinctive quality of which remains the London Haystack's major legacy once all the vanity projects, dead-end policies and taxpayer-bleached pachyderms are discounted. Britain has been in blissful, barnstorming breach of nitrogen dioxide limits since 2010, which coincidentally was the year the greenest government ever sneaked into office; and thanks to the dynamic sustainability policies of the Bullingdon Club and its little yellow enablers, the erstwhile realm of the London Haystack overshot its annual air pollution limit in the first five days of this year. Precisely what kind Nazi-style torture the Imperial Haystack has been made to suffer over this breach of duty remains as yet unclear.

In Touch with Real People

Well, isn't this touching? A couple of days ago the shadow health secretary Jon Ashworth, and the former New Labour poor-basher Liam Byrne, spoke in Parliament about their experiences with alcoholic parents. As a result Nicola Blackwood, the minister for public health, was moved to tears and has promised to produce an entire new strategy.

Essentially, there are two possibilities here. One is that Blackwood will not produce a new strategy, has no intention of doing so, and merely hopes to co-opt Ashworth and Byrne into supporting whatever she already plans to do - always assuming that, as paid-up members of the Opposition, they don't support it already. That would be business as usual.

The other possibility is that the minister for public health was genuinely shocked and genuinely moved, and genuinely does intend producing a new strategy. At best, this implies that the minister is unacquainted with her brief; which arguably would be business as usual again, particularly in an area such as public health where the Conservative Party has no real interest beyond asset-stripping and cripple-kicking. At worst, it implies that national policy is to be made on the basis of an emotional response to some personal anecdotes, and that the minister for public health had no idea that alcoholic parenting was a Bad Thing before two fellow-feeders at the Westminster trough stood up and gave her the benefit of their personal experience.

Oh, Arkansas

The Christian state of Arkansas has passed a new pro-coathanger law which gives rapists the right to sue physicians who carry out abortions on pregnant victims. The charmingly-titled Unborn Child Protection from Dismemberment Abortion Act has been rushed through in less than a trimester to protect God's little globules from dilation and evacuation procedures, which have the Satanic attribute of being safe for the incubator and are thus, in the words of one coathanger enthusiast, "gruesome, barbaric" and something that "no civilised society should embrace". Parents and legal guardians will be able to intervene to prevent abortions on minors, including minors who have been impregnated by their God-fearing, family-valuing ownselves; and husbands who take an aggressive stance on conjugal rights will also be able to stop any attempt by the incubators to vandalise their biological product. The ACLU will be challenging the law before it goes into effect; six other states have passed similar laws, and in the four where it was challenged the notoriously uncivilised courts induced a termination.

Keep Calm and Give Generously, Again

In an ever more unstable world, it is reassuring to find that some things never change. Somalia is on course for another famine, rather bigger than the one in 2011 which liberated the West from more than a quarter of a million potential migrants. The rains have been failing persistently, perhaps because of anti-American hoaxing by the Heathen Chinee, although of course this cannot be proved; and consequently Somalia faces similar risks to Nigeria, South Sudan and even Yemen, where British arms dealers' initiatives for peace through profit have somehow delivered results that are less than altogether humanitarian. UN agencies are calling for action before the worst happens, and no doubt we can look forward to the usual moral denunciations from those who believe that humanitarian efforts should be concentrated on the vastly more deserving cadres of the Trumpster and the Farage Falange.

Leading From the Rear

After five years of the greenest government ever and six months of Tin-Pot Tessie, Britain remains a world leader in renewable energy, provided one does not count twenty-three of the twenty-seven Euro-wog nations. Britain generates a staggering eight per cent of its energy from renewable sources, but remains on schedule to achieve its EU target because the evil bureaucrats in Brussels condescended to set the bar low enough. Although more than a fifth of the country's electricity comes from renewable sources, there has been little progress in reducing the greenhouse gases produced by cars and home heating, partly because the Government does not wish to annoy the Rothermere Daily Stürmer by driving down house prices and partly because the Department for Transport has the brilliant Chris Graybeing at the wheel. The cheerful trashing of regulations and bashing of the solar industry by the Bullingdon Club and their little orange enablers, followed by the likely tearing-up of any remaining commitments once the EU cuts loose of the mainland in two years' time, will doubtless provide a friendly climate for the American frackers, Middle Eastern oil barons and Chinese hawkers of blanched radioactive pachyderms who represent our new and glorious independence.

Demeaning the Donald's Lift Attendant

Predictable squeals of outrage have resulted from a Labour MEP's decision to play the Farage Falange at their own schoolboy games. As the strutting meta-retired ex-Caudillo was having a blather about the Trumpster being a cautious democrat and the EU being anti-American zealots, Seb Dance held up a hand-written notice with the merely factual words He's lying to you. The Farage Falange has condemned Dance's conduct as pathetic and cowardly, and has put in an official complaint to the authorities which its representatives hold in contempt and regard largely as a pretext for fleecing the British taxpayer. It is to be hoped that Dance will be suitably punished, preferably with a formal vote of thanks and a small engraved memento for his mantelpiece.