Deplorably Unambitious

Despite his recent decision that Vladimir Putin's chum Bashar al-Assad is really a rather rah-rah sort of chap after all, the Imperial Haystack still intends ordering the Euro-wogs to continue their sanctions against Russia. The Nazi-style punishment beatings were imposed over Putin's annexation of the Crimea, and widened when a Malaysian jet was shot down with a Russian missile; although sanctions against Britain over civilian deaths in Yemen will presumably have to wait until after the Continent cuts itself adrift from the mainland.

Meanwhile, the Euro-wogs have continued their meddling with Britain's precious if migrant-polluted air, the distinctive quality of which remains the London Haystack's major legacy once all the vanity projects, dead-end policies and taxpayer-bleached pachyderms are discounted. Britain has been in blissful, barnstorming breach of nitrogen dioxide limits since 2010, which coincidentally was the year the greenest government ever sneaked into office; and thanks to the dynamic sustainability policies of the Bullingdon Club and its little yellow enablers, the erstwhile realm of the London Haystack overshot its annual air pollution limit in the first five days of this year. Precisely what kind Nazi-style torture the Imperial Haystack has been made to suffer over this breach of duty remains as yet unclear.