Nanny Hunt

Barely a fortnight after a Conservative Party expenses claimant squealed about the British dying out, the Chancellor has paid a visit to the magic money tree for an electoral bribe to breeders. The pittance that Universal Credit claimants receive for child support is to be raised from next month, and the Government will show its trust by allowing parents to receive most of the money directly, rather than foricng them to pay for childcare and then claim back the costs of their skipped meals and unused utilities. A recruitment drive for child-minders is also in the offing, and the Department for Education is about to start a consultation on expanding the charmingly Dickension-sounding "early years workforce." Whether such culturally non-Marxist handouts will prove sufficient to restore the breeding stock of the master race remains as yet unclear.

Bad Etymology

Blastocyst, n. from blast and cyst, a tumorous growth about to explode.

Squalid, adj. from Latin Squaliformes, an order of sharks; thus a term describing conduct becoming to a family newspaper or a minister of the Crown.

We All Make Mistakes

Mere decades after the fact, it has dawned upon the Other Milibeing that the Iraq adventure was perhaps not quite the glorious crusade for Christendom that was presented at the time. Despite the purely moderate and sensible impact of the Other Milibeing's nearly-remembered tenure as Minister for Wogs, Frogs and Huns, he did have time to vote in favour of the war before toddling off to more lucrative pastures. He now sees the destruction and plundering of Iraq as a serious strategic indiscretion, since seeing it as a crude and illegal grab for resources might blaspheme the memory of the Blessed Tony, and would arguably justify reparations at the personal expense of the Other Milibeing. Now that Russia has been so impolite as to invade Ukraine, the true magnitude of the error can be observed in the reluctance of some little brown folk to emulate their natural leaders in trading arms and dispensing moral condemnation. Evidently even the great British pastime of wog-bombing may have a price not worth paying if it leads the lesser breeds astray.

Saving Cuts

In the great Churchillian tradition of protecting Poland from invaders, the greatest army in the world has been collaborating in the great and noble task of deterring people-traffickers by slicing up their victims. On orders from the Ministry for Wog-Bombing, personnel from the Royal Engineers have provided "infrastructure support" on the border between Poland and Belarus, in the form of a hundred-and-sixteen-mile Trumpster-lite razor-wire fence. As one would expect from Global Britain, electrification was an infrastructure too far; but sixteen or more invaders have been seriously injured trying to cross the barrier, suffering damage consistent with the standards of Serco, G4S or the Metropolitan Police. Of course, the swarming hordes have only themselves to blame for trying to cross the barrier, just as cultural Marxists on the mainland bear ultimate responsibility for precipitating the wage and pensions crisis by living too long and eating too much. Curiously, despite the unimpeachable Britishness of the values involved, neither the Ministry for Wog Control nor the Ministry for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets seems inclined to take the credit.

Natural Solutions

When it comes to existential threats to humanity, as we all know, a moderate and sensible approach is generally to be advised. The pragmatic and down-to-earth British managerial class is notable for its moderation in combating climate change, an existential threat to humanity; and for its sensibility in poking Russia and China with sharp sticks so as to precipitate a world war, also an existential threat to humanity. On the matter of artificial intelligence, which poses so existential a threat to humanity that the Chancellor wants to turn it into yet another world-beating British business, the position is inevitably more nuanced: given the undoubted gravity and complexity of the problem, ministers have naturally chosen to frame it in terms of immediate divergence from the ghastly Euro-wogs. The Strasbrussels bureaucrats have adopted the ludicrously inflexible approach of regulating ad hoc, and are considering a law whose application would depend on, of all things, context - and, what with the innate depravity of the foreign hordes, probably real-world context at that. By contrast, His Majesty's Government wishes to stay as nimble as any government possibly could stay whose collective natural intelligence can barely operate one of those Babbage computating contraptions without risking a haemorrhage.

Animal Instinct

With more political nous than one would normally give him credit for, Fishy Rishi has begun emulating the victorious Team Starmer formula by reneging on the promises he made to ensure his selection as party leader. Legislation to ban live exports of farm animals and prevent dog theft has been dropped in case the Opposition forgets its place and starts playing political games with it. Since Fishy Rishi's party has only an eighty-seat majority in the House of Expenses Claimants, there is a distinct danger of inadvertently imposing animal cruelty restrictions that the Huntin', Shootin' and Fishin' comstituency would find morally abhorrent. Instead, an animal sentience committee is to be established next month, which will serve as a convenient generator of long grass for the issue to be kicked into; although it remains as yet unclear whether the committee's remit will include checking for signs of awareness among the jumping rats and shrieking baboons of the Conservative Party.

Needling from a Haystack

The National Johnson's decision to continue the Trumpster routine by sacking his lawyers and squealing conspiracy has prompted calls for his ex-chancellor to cancel or postpone some taxpayer-funded unemployment benefits. About fifty sponsors, stooges and sycophants are set to reap their grace and favour from the great man's resignation rah-rah, but new allegations of illegal pandemic parties have precipitated further unrest among the seasick rodents in the turbid Tory bilges. Some (doubtless the more perspicacious) even claim to be baffled that a statesman of Fishy Rishi's courage, integrity and decisiveness still seems inclined to sit back and allow the erminisation of three Johnson groupies, thereby triggering three by-elections in which the gerrymandering might go almost as well as in the recent culling of the councils. On the other hand, it is possible that the Johnson nomenklatura may prove sufficiently ridiculous to distract media and public attention from any list subsequently extruded by La Truss.

Bad Etymology

Aspiration, n. from Latin aspirare, to breathe upon; hence a form of ambition fuelled mainly by hot air.

Minister, n. from mini- and Latin sterilis, barren or futile; hence a minor political or religious fruitlessness.

High-Priced Talent

As the incumbent clutcher of an office of state recently held by Boris Johnson, any Minister for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets has a large pair of clown-shoes to fill. Doubtless it was this feeling of the hand of history on his crotch that motivated the Minister for Misnomer to add yet another ludicrousness to a persona which a lesser statesman might have thought sufficiently risible already. Toddling about the Caribbean and Latin America to highlight "tackling the climate crisis, upholding democracy and human rights and securing free and open supply chains of critical minerals," though not necessarily in that order, Cleverly availed himself of "the crème de la crème of private business jets," a flying luxury hotel suite with a Johnson-sized bed, a big-screen TV, and a five-figure hourly charter price. Fortunately for the softness of British power, the last will be enjoyed by the taxpayer alone.

What We Do Best

Although efficiency levels in the best armed services in the world have attained such depths of Britishness that wog-bombing on a major scale has become a little inconvenient, the nation's plucky little entrepreneurs continue to do their part in keeping the world safe for war. Leaving aside the many, thoroughly decent transactions that don't go on the record, British arms dealers have commemorated the mainland's recent World Cup glories by exporting almost three thousand million's worth of weapons to the no-nonsense régime in Qatar. As one would expect from so vocal a defender of peace and democracy, more than half Britain's total exports went to violent authoritarians, including Whitehall's favourite Islamic fundamentalists at the head-chopping House of Saud. Sales figures for last year are more than double those of the year before, and exceed even the heights of helpfulness which the master race achieved at the height of the Syrian civil war. Naturally, arms sales are restricted in the event of a clear risk that civilians would be targeted, as opposed to human shields suffering collateral damage; although it is unclear whether the present administration retains the Blairite system of clearly and unequivocally labelling ordnance that is not to be used for war crimes unless absolutely necessary.