The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Presumption of Innocents

Although Her Majesty's Government recognises the contribution made to British society by citizens of the EU, Her Majesty's Government is also committed to kicking out the ghastly wogs as quickly as possible; and further complications arise from Her Majesty's Government's snow-white innocence of expertise in both areas of activity. Something called Brandon, which works for the wog disposal department under the auspices of the race-baiting Clegg-pledger Amber Rudd, is presuming that EU citizens should be allowed to stay; what this means in practice is that the Home Office sends out deportation orders more or less at random and is overruled by an enemy of the people about half the time, with the only loss being taxpayers' money and the only grief being that of people who shouldn't be here in the first place and the citizens of nowhere who love them. Happily, the Brandon-thing and his department are sometimes able to complete the deportation process before any appeal can be heard, which is certainly a tribute to their presumption; and Her Majesty's Government is plotting to efficientise matters yet further by setting up a new database state specifically to keep track of 3.2 million suspected fifth columnists for our enemies in Brussels. On the strength of previous Whitehall adventures in computerland, the fairness and efficacy of this electronic panacea is doubtless being presumed by all the best non-experts.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

That's Teaching Them

Given that the modern Conservative vision of Britain is a tax haven populated by serfs, run by Oxbridge graduates and owned by people who can afford to force others to pay for their stupidity, there should be nothing particularly surprising in the Government's continuing crusade to create a hostile environment for clever people. Nevertheless, at least one university vice-chancellor is talking down Britain's education system (the best in the world, for those who came in late) by pointing out the effect of the Government's refusal to guarantee the rights of job-stealing Euro-wogs. Although the blithering prima donna and one-time civil liberties grandstander David Davis has promised the Euro-wogs a database state of their very own, it seems that many university staff may decide to take the hint and make room for the kind of degree-level Britishness that wins wars, incentivises entrepreneurs and enables people like the present Cabinet to play at being ministers of state. If nothing else, at least those beastly foreign students will be kept at bay, along with their dirty foreign fees.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

It's Only Public Money

Britain's happy backward slide into a simpler and less expert century is further evidenced by the revelation that almost all the water profiteering companies are prepared to admit using water diviners to locate leaking pipes. A spokesbeing for the regulator has proclaimed that the practice is very much a matter for the conscience of the individual water company; and it is true that, unlike such equally scientific practices as treating epilepsy with an exorcism on the National Health Service, launching nuclear missiles by horoscope or putting Chris Graybeing in charge of a ministry of state, the employment of two sticks and a salary-operated crank is unlikely to do any actual harm. After all, any customers who are bigoted enough to believe that their money might be better spent on methods that have some effect can always exercise their democratic, non-Communistic, non-nationalised right to choose between paying for the companies' hired sorcerers or else abstaining from water.

Update The water companies are now denying the use of witchcraft, although the denials have yet to be tested by any of the traditional methods.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Hands in Pockets

In the trade minister Greg Hands, it is evident that Britain's vole-brained Minister for International Werritty has a worthy underling. A telegram has been released to Greenpeace under Freedom of Information rules, and the Government's innovative dynamism is immediately apparent in the fact that it was released first in its naked, unredacted glory and only shortly afterwards in the public version decently habited in blue pencil and wimpled in whitewash. Normal practice, in the interests of ministerial job security, would be to release them the other way round and thirty years apart; but it is, after all, quite difficult for ministers to get the sack these days. The telegram indicates that Hands lobbied Brazil on behalf of Shell and BP, although naturally the maintenance and strengthening of environmental regulations was absolutely tip-top priority for Her Majesty's Government and its jabbering environmental homunculus. Fortunately for his future directorships in the fossil fuel industry, Hands put the case for clean energy so incompetently that Shell and BP look set to benefit from deep-water drilling licenses and tax relief courtesy of the government of Brazil.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Mutual Assurance

If our dear leader should decide
To do a little genocide
He won't be let, unless it's more
Or less within the nation's law.

For otherwise we shall demur:
"But that would not be legal, sir."
And he will say, "Well what would be?"
And then we'll take a look and see.

We think about this stuff a lot.
In our position, who would not?

Gen. Claiborne T Minuteman (Retd.)

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Plastic Dummies All at Sea

Given that a charge on the use of plastic bags has led to a massive reduction in the use of plastic bags, it is natural that the empty suit at the Treasury should be calling for evidence as to whether charges on plastic products might possibly lead to a reduction in the use of plastic products. Even if the call for evidence is not merely a bit of headline-grabbing green crap, the relevant minister is still the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove, and much of the evidence will inevitably come from experts and be full of pessimism and non-positivity and general doing down of our fracked and fossilled land. Environmentalists have gone so far as to claim that any resulting action will need to be coordinated, which rather rules it out from the start. The discovery that plastic litter is affecting even deep-sea fish has no doubt helped to concentrate minds among the slimy pond life that is the modern Conservative Party; but the idea that taxes on something other than prole food or female hygiene products could be part of a reasonable solution may need a few more decades to sink in.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Holy Alliances

Doubtless impressed with the moderation of its British-sponsored rampage in Yemen, the head of the Righteous State's military has been making friendly noises at the head-chopping House of Saud. The aim is apparently to start a crusade against Iran, which has invaded so many sovereign countries recently that even the free and cantankerous British press is often hard put to name one. Evidently the recent domestic re-arrangements among the head-chopping House of Saud have done much to help it qualify as a moderate Arab state; which is to say, one which is willing to join with the region's apartheid nuclear power in jihad against the hated Shia. Of course, from the days of P W Botha to the twilight of Priti Patel, the Righteous State's military has long been known for its amicable dealings with moderates.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

According to the Flesh

For every woman who will make herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Gospel of Thomas


Thanks to those energetic people at the Christian Legal Centre, the latest attempt by the Established Church to gain a toe-hold in the twentieth century looks set to be as reasoned and charitable a process as that little business of accepting gays into the priesthood provided they behaved themselves and didn't get up to anything naughty. The Church has issued guidelines directing its faith-school staff not to bully transgender pupils and proclaiming that children dressing up is not anathema. Predictably, this has caused consternation among the faithful, many of whom apparently believe not only that gender is divinely ordained and therefore irrevocable, but that it is determined at birth, rather than at conception as mere scientists have claimed, or even when differentiation takes place in the foetus, some thirty weeks before the potential convert is ejected from the womb. One such biological revisionist, who presumably believes in spontaneous generation or delivery by stork, is due for a disciplinary hearing on the grounds that he has failed to fall in with what the Christian Legal Centre is pleased to call "the current transgender fad". Like so many of the persecuted and reviled who also happen to have a steady income and a measure of worldly power over the vulnerable, he does not appear to have noticed the guidelines in the Sermon on the Mount about the appropriate circumstances for rejoicing and being exceeding glad.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

We Have Taught Them Much

We are all aware, because historians of the calibre of the Imperial Haystack have informed us, that the only tragedy inflicted upon the wogs by the British Empire was that its boot was removed from their necks too soon for their own good. Nevertheless, as those who favour Chinese-style working conditions for the mainland's own proles have observed, many of our rebellious beneficiaries do have remarkably advanced ideas when it comes to red tape, green crap, and health and safety. In Delhi, for example, thanks to a healthy construction industry and an appropriate respect for the rights of motorists, the air quality is such that even the Imperial Haystack's London legacy pales into near-cleanliness. Mere doctors have declared a public health emergency; but India, like the mainland, is governed by right-wing religious lunatics who have had enough of experts. Hence, the efficiency and foresight on display is worthy of the British at their best: having planned to disperse the smog by dropping water from helicopters despite declaring much of the city a no-fly zone, the politicians have now discovered that the helicopters cannot take off anyway because of the smog. It remains as yet unclear whether the Imperial Haystack has offered to sell his little brown brothers any used water-cannon.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

More Uppity Colonials

Difficult though it may be to believe, there are places in the world still so primitive that cries of coup and treason can be provoked by tanks in the streets, rather than by the squealing ire of tax-dodgers as happens in more developed societies. In what the Foreign Secretary would doubtless call the country of Africa, some very angry piccaninnies are apparently gearing up to get rid of Robert Mugabe, the Rupert Murdoch of Southern Rhodesia, who now plans to pass on his troubled empire in accordance with family values. Zimbabwe's most powerful general has threatened to step in, and military vehicles are reportedly advancing on the capital, owing in part to the absence of a civilising solution from the Recrudescent Imperium, which would presumably comprise plastering a statue of good old Cecil with a special power-sharing paste made from the ashes of Ian Smith.