What Justice Looks Like

After a mere forty-eight years, the Christian state of Texas has condescended to formalise the non-execution of a long-term death row inmate. Being a brain-damaged schizophrenic with mental retardation and the racial handicap, and doubtless with the concomitant degree of wealth that tends to make such people more personally culpable than their betters, the man has had no legal representation in three decades, and has therefore remained in the queue for the ultimate justice despite having been found intellectually ineligible for the privilege relatively soon after his conviction. He is now likely to be re-sentenced to life imprisonment which, given his prospects if put out onto the streets, is probably about as merciful as the Christian state of Texas could be.

Torn Between Two Lovers

Many are the moral dilemmas that arise for those in charge, and a particularly horny one has emerged to toss Team Starmer. A major infoslop merchant has decided not to help His Majesty's Government inflate the AI bubble any further just now, and has halted plans to automate the great British intellect and do for the service economy what the sainted Thatcher did for the miners. Since His Majesty's Government has been approving phantom projects with all the alacrity of the National Johnson handing out contracts to pandemic profiteers, the inevitable squeals about excessive regulation are presumably AI-generated as a matter of corporate routine; but the complaint about high energy prices does have some merit. Thus Team Starmer finds itself caught between the equally exalted and yet conflicting interests of the infoslop merchant and the energy profiteers: a cruel choice for a government so manifestly and sincerely enamoured of both.

Crusade Camp Follower

Having fulminated indignantly over the horrors of Islamic fundamentalism and the recklessness of the mad mullahs in daring to retaliate when under military attack, the CEO of Team Starmer has toddled off to the Middle East in order to wax lyrical upon the virtuous moderation of the head-chopping House of Saud and the civilised restraint of the Netanyahoo's onslaught in Lebanon. He is also expected to thank Britain's plucky little servicepersons for their anticipated contribution towards keeping the Strait of Hormuz only slightly less open than it was before Britain's favourite ally launched the assault that got it so efficiently closed. Given that the Trumpster and his head-tribble regard negotiations as a holding action between military assaults, and that the Righteous State is already implementing its habitual ceasefire policy of not ceasing fire, Britain's petro-chums will obviously be jolly reassured that the CEO of Team Starmer is there to help sort things out.

His Own Man

Those who accuse Team Starmer of parroting the Farage Falange will have egg on the other side of their faces in the wake of the latest peace offering by the Trumpster and his head-tribble. A forthright slab of social-media diplomacy has promised the death of a civilisation unless Iran does as it's told, and the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange was among those who reacted unfavourably. By contrast, the CEO of Team Starmer has not reacted at all, except to continue the mainland's facilitation of wink-wink defensive operations. So now we know: even the CEO of Team Starmer can disagree with the Farage Falange now and then, provided the latter has balked at openly condoning a credible threat of genocide.

Vital Necessities for Hard-Working Families

It has long been evident that Team Starmer is in no particular hurry to re-establish close links with the EU, except in the sacred causes of wog-bombing and refugee-kicking, for fear of alienating the vital Farage Falange demographic. Nevertheless, the moderate grown-upness of the centrist sensibility dictates that Team Starmer shall not utilise our great nation's liberation from the beastly Euro-wogs towards any goal so imprudent as taking back control of trade policy. The administration that condoned the Gaza cleansing and took eighteen months to decide that reducing child poverty might be just about permissible is hardly likely to balk at animal cruelty; so a pledge to ban imports of fur and foie gras has joined the ever-growing heap of manifesto commitments that would constitute too much of a change. Although a majority of Britons would prefer their famously sovereign parliament to stop the import of products involving cruelty to animals, the party of the National Johnson found that idea even less palatable than the thought of kowtowing to the Strasbrussels dictatorship; which clearly settles the question as far as Team Starmer is concerned. Of course, Team Starmer is often accused of being directionless and of ducking important issues; and it is to be hoped that the policy of standing shoulder to shoulder with all working people who consume fur coats and foie gras will expose this liverish canard once and for all.

Open Discussion Within the Borders of Reason

For the truly plucky entrepreneur there is no such word as enough, and certainly receipt of the Tommyrot Yaxleyson Compassionate Award for Wog Disposal has induced no trace of complacency in His Majesty's Government. Hard-working Team Starmer flunkeys are working hard consulting backbenchers for estimates of just how much migrant-bashing would constitute the bare minimum to save their seats. A backbencher of comparatively recent vintage, Angela Rayner doubtless had almost every intention of doing the right honourable thing before being punted from the Cabinet over suspected grift, and has now helped to set the limits of the debate by denouncing the proposed wog-baiting measures as unworthy of the master race. Any lesser figures whose responses go beyond such sensible moderation can presumably look forward to the same tar-and-feather purging as those who demand lower levels of racism than Team Starmer's policy-makers in the Farage Falange.

Void of Victory

What triumph for the race of Man,
With fuel short, in time of war,
To shoot some muscle in a can
Where no tinned meat has gone before.

What new hopes for the species lie
In this high venture, whereby soon
We'll poke the Chinese in the eye
And start to privatise the Moon.

Dianha von Braun

Healing and Dealing

Rumours that the special relationship may be at an end are clearly premature, as His Majesty's Government has happily joined the Trumpster and his head-tribble in yet another assault on Britain's enemies in the public sector. The despised National Health Service, which all three major parties and the Conservatives have been diligently kicking for the past four decades, is likely to pay the price for a drug deal whose terms are so favourable that Team Starmer has kept them secret until the crucifixion and resurrection of the Saviour and the climax of the national chocolate egg crisis were available to provide a distraction. Some of the Trumpster's tariffs on British exports will be skirted, at least until the head-tribble's whims decree otherwise; but the costs are still estimated substantially to exceed any savings for the mainland. Presumably His Majesty's Government intends making up the shortfall with money saved on resident doctors; although it remains as yet unclear how far such savings will run into the necessary thousands of millions. Fortunately, the deal has the approval of drug company bosses and the ministers they pay for, so no doubt all will turn out well where it matters.

Constructive Engagement

Unpatriotic and pessimistic elements are whispering that the British public's idea of what constitutes a legitimate and understandable concern may go a little beyond the migrant hordes massing on our shores and the transsexuals taking over our toilets. A former flunkey to the abject Gordon Brown even implied that many people don't feel their lives are improving despite Team Starmer having spent the last year and a half talking about very little else. Several people and Sir Edward Davey have noted the likely severe consequences of the Persian Crusade for the global economy, and have accused Team Starmer of failing to make due provision.

In fact, the Minister for Lesser Breeds has followed up her government's latest cuts to international aid by suddenly discovering that Africa and Asia might have problems of their own, and has responded by convening a blah-blah to discuss how best to lay the blame on Iran. Much as progressive voters cunningly moved elsewhere after Team Starmer purged them, so the mad mullahs have caused consternation with their unaccountably military retaliation to a military attack. The consensus among the moderate and sensible global community seems to be that somebody ought to do something about it; which will indubitably help matters no end.

Shared Values, Decent Arabs

The United Arab Emirates, whose human rights violations are of the tolerable-to-meritorious variety so often found on the Arabian peninsula, have imprisoned several British citizens and a few dozen nonentities because they supposedly shared images of collateral damage from the Persian Crusade. His Majesty's Government, which locks people up for writing words, is clearly in a position to sympathise, and has discreetly declined to say anything against the arrests or to provide effective help to the nefarious migrants. Since the realm of the Trumpster and his head-tribble is proving such an unreliable partner, Team Starmer is to be congratulated on its promptitude in finding another authoritarian petro-state on which to expend its world-beating powers of sycophancy.