A North Wind Doth Blow

A north wind doth blow
And Burnham's a go,
And what will Keir Starmer do next, poor thing?
He'll mooch off to be
Where freebies are free,
And suits are all vacant and grey, poor thing.

A word-wind doth blow
With pledges on show,
And what will Keir Starmer do next, poor thing?
He'll bench at the back
And brief the odd hack
On how all the racists are vexed, poor thing.

An ill wind doth blow
And bile is in flow,
And what will Keir Starmer do next, poor thing?
He'll clean out the rot
(Fictitious or not)
By which his career has been hexed, poor thing.

A war-wind doth blow
And wogs must eat crow,
And what will Keir Starmer do next, poor thing?
He'll pose as a sage
Upon the world stage,
And look like a clerk come unsexed, poor thing.

A headwind doth blow
And growth has been slow,
And what will Keir Starmer do next, poor thing?
He'll head to the trough
And have a good scoff,
And trust that the swill is enough, poor thing.

Sir Anthony Fondles

Thrift is for the Little People

Moisture provision profiteers are losing about a fifth of the water they pump because of leaky pipes, according to research by Greenpeace. Naturally, this wastage makes it all the more necessary to wag the finger at moisture consumers and exhort them towards more prudent use of what is left. A corporate spokesbeing pointed out that the captive market is very selfishly responding to the heatwaves by using more water, and that moisture provision profiteers are "fixing leaks, moving water across regions and running treatment works flat out to keep supplies flowing" - which, given that their primary function consists purely in profiting their shareholders and enriching their executives, is obviously rather charitable of them.

Not Quite Caught Up

Despite Britain's steady progress with regard to Fascism and changing governments every two years, it does not appear that a corresponding cultural enlightenment has yet occurred in Italy. The country's notoriously slow legal system has convicted and sentenced thirty-two people over the fatal collapse of a bridge in Genoa eight years ago, in which forty-three people were killed. This stands in stark moral contrast to the Grenfell Tower fire, which occurred a mere nine years ago last month and killed seventy-two, and for which our revered English justice has yet to prosecute, let alone convict, a single person or corporate entity.

They're Coming Home

Who says the special relationship is dead? After only a quarter of a millennium, the American colonies are seeking a return to British values by issuing currency depicting the current monarch alongside some sniggerably uplifting slogans. The Trumpster's amusingly-named Commission of Fine Arts has approved the design for a commemorative £0.74 coin featuring the words IN GOD WE TRUST next to a royal portrait with brows knitted and head-tribble rampant. Unlike the British sovereign, the coin is not solid gold; doubtless because American bullion reserves are already under some little strain what with the likely tastefulness of the decoration in the White House ballroom.

Our Sovereignty Betrayed, Again

While Britain's back is turned thanks to the world-rocking conspiracy to discredit, dishonour and de-fund the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange, it appears that treason has been afoot in the notoriously migrant-heavy Mediterranean. Crypto-Hispanic fifth columnists have conspired with the dreadful dagoes to undermine the Treaty of Utrecht, whereby Gibraltar was ceded to the master race as a bribe for not meddling in the War of the Spanish Succession. In keeping with the population's ancient sin of voting to remain beneath the yoke of the Strasbrussels dictatorship, border controls have been undermined and British colonial personnel have mingled promiscuously with the natives. Whether the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange is prepared to commandeer a flotilla of his sponsors' yachts and have them fitted out as gunboats to restore the natural order remains as yet unconfirmed.

Eternal Fire Within the Bounds of Collaborative Landlordship

Since faith is most virtuous when maintained either without evidence or in the teeth of copious evidence to the contrary, there may be one or two members of the Anglican Communion who are surprised at their church's latest decision not to bother with even the usual threadbare pretence of moral leadership. The issue this time is the environment, which the Church has voted against committing itself to protect in any measurable and therefore ungodly fashion. His Majesty's Government has already pledged to ask landowners kindly to take whatever action they feel, in good conscience, they would like to, on pain of being asked again with almost equal assertiveness in a few years' time; and the Church was doubtless duly motivated to fall in with the rigour of the proceedings.

Birthright Politics

Whether to provide fodder for the head-tribble or to yield second-hand flesh of sufficient bagginess and decrepitude for Mitch McConnell to occupy without undue discomfort, the Republican-turned-Trumpsterlicker Senator Lindsey Graham has apparently gone to his reward. The head-tribble and its Trumpster have responded in appropriate monarchical fashion, by decreeing that the great man's political assets should now be made hereditary and bestowed upon his sister. Those who object to the idea will be reassured that the inheritance is purely an interim arrangement for the next six months, after which the term expires and the senatorial seat can be properly bought.

A Very British Energy

In what will doubtless serve as a salutary warning for promulgators of the green crap, Britain's largest community-owned solar energy farm has been ordered to shut down for the summer because it's too efficient for the grid. As one would expect, the Government's energy system operator timed the order with impeccable Britishness, issuing it days before the start of the heatwaves and the resulting increase in demand on the power supply. The project is now forbidden to start generating again until the autumn, effectively punishing the effrontery of its members by fining them a couple of million in revenue. Meanwhile, His Majesty's air-conditioned Government remains thrillingly open-minded about the wonders of new drilling for North Sea oil.

Burning for Learning

During the grand Dickensian days of the great British boarding school, those who collected the fees put out the idea that heated classrooms and proper feeding would induce lazy repletion in the pupils, whereas cold and hunger would aid their concentration and harden them up nicely for a lifetime of service helping to civilise the fuzzy-wuzzies. In the unlikely event that the tech-bros and corporations who run His Majesty's Government have any interest in retaining an educated workforce, a corresponding myth may soon be required for the present academic climate. Since the effects of global heating have been known for a matter of mere decades, it is natural that most of the country's schools should still be adapted for the weather of yesteryear and therefore currently approaching the conditions of a Texas penitentiary; especially as schools tend to be staffed by teachers, a calling for which successive governments have manifested a degree of casual contempt equalled only by their attitude towards NHS medical personnel, unpaid carers, and refugees. Nevertheless, it would hardly be true to say that nothing is being done. In keeping with the great British tradition of the emergency response, His Majesty's Government was advised as early as two months ago that schools should be fitted with air conditioning in the next quarter-century or so.

Burning for Justice

The Christian state of Texas is suffering persecution because of its eminently godly practice of broiling those who displease it. Presumably thanks to divine judgement (Texas of all places must be immune to the Heathen Chinee hoax that is global heating), correctional beneficiaries are being exposed to the purifying fire of fatally high temperatures; while the state has at its disposal only twenty times the amount of spare cash required to fit the institutions with air conditioning. One campaigner has even been so unfair as to claim that the Christian state of Texas tolerates unconstitutional and brutal conditions, as opposed to revelling in them, wallowing in them, and gloating over them.