Vital Necessities for Hard-Working Families

It has long been evident that Team Starmer is in no particular hurry to re-establish close links with the EU, except in the sacred causes of wog-bombing and refugee-kicking, for fear of alienating the vital Farage Falange demographic. Nevertheless, the moderate grown-upness of the centrist sensibility dictates that Team Starmer shall not utilise our great nation's liberation from the beastly Euro-wogs towards any goal so imprudent as taking back control of trade policy. The administration that condoned the Gaza cleansing and took eighteen months to decide that reducing child poverty might be just about permissible is hardly likely to balk at animal cruelty; so a pledge to ban imports of fur and foie gras has joined the ever-growing heap of manifesto commitments that would constitute too much of a change. Although a majority of Britons would prefer their famously sovereign parliament to stop the import of products involving cruelty to animals, the party of the National Johnson found that idea even less palatable than the thought of kowtowing to the Strasbrussels dictatorship; which clearly settles the question as far as Team Starmer is concerned. Of course, Team Starmer is often accused of being directionless and of ducking important issues; and it is to be hoped that the policy of standing shoulder to shoulder with all working people who consume fur coats and foie gras will expose this liverish canard once and for all.

Open Discussion Within the Borders of Reason

For the truly plucky entrepreneur there is no such word as enough, and certainly receipt of the Tommyrot Yaxleyson Compassionate Award for Wog Disposal has induced no trace of complacency in His Majesty's Government. Hard-working Team Starmer flunkeys are working hard consulting backbenchers for estimates of just how much migrant-bashing would constitute the bare minimum to save their seats. A backbencher of comparatively recent vintage, Angela Rayner doubtless had almost every intention of doing the right honourable thing before being punted from the Cabinet over suspected grift, and has now helped to set the limits of the debate by denouncing the proposed wog-baiting measures as unworthy of the master race. Any lesser figures whose responses go beyond such sensible moderation can presumably look forward to the same tar-and-feather purging as those who demand lower levels of racism than Team Starmer's policy-makers in the Farage Falange.

Void of Victory

What triumph for the race of Man,
With fuel short, in time of war,
To shoot some muscle in a can
Where no tinned meat has gone before.

What new hopes for the species lie
In this high venture, whereby soon
We'll poke the Chinese in the eye
And start to privatise the Moon.

Dianha von Braun

Healing and Dealing

Rumours that the special relationship may be at an end are clearly premature, as His Majesty's Government has happily joined the Trumpster and his head-tribble in yet another assault on Britain's enemies in the public sector. The despised National Health Service, which all three major parties and the Conservatives have been diligently kicking for the past four decades, is likely to pay the price for a drug deal whose terms are so favourable that Team Starmer has kept them secret until the crucifixion and resurrection of the Saviour and the climax of the national chocolate egg crisis were available to provide a distraction. Some of the Trumpster's tariffs on British exports will be skirted, at least until the head-tribble's whims decree otherwise; but the costs are still estimated substantially to exceed any savings for the mainland. Presumably His Majesty's Government intends making up the shortfall with money saved on resident doctors; although it remains as yet unclear how far such savings will run into the necessary thousands of millions. Fortunately, the deal has the approval of drug company bosses and the ministers they pay for, so no doubt all will turn out well where it matters.

Constructive Engagement

Unpatriotic and pessimistic elements are whispering that the British public's idea of what constitutes a legitimate and understandable concern may go a little beyond the migrant hordes massing on our shores and the transsexuals taking over our toilets. A former flunkey to the abject Gordon Brown even implied that many people don't feel their lives are improving despite Team Starmer having spent the last year and a half talking about very little else. Several people and Sir Edward Davey have noted the likely severe consequences of the Persian Crusade for the global economy, and have accused Team Starmer of failing to make due provision.

In fact, the Minister for Lesser Breeds has followed up her government's latest cuts to international aid by suddenly discovering that Africa and Asia might have problems of their own, and has responded by convening a blah-blah to discuss how best to lay the blame on Iran. Much as progressive voters cunningly moved elsewhere after Team Starmer purged them, so the mad mullahs have caused consternation with their unaccountably military retaliation to a military attack. The consensus among the moderate and sensible global community seems to be that somebody ought to do something about it; which will indubitably help matters no end.

Shared Values, Decent Arabs

The United Arab Emirates, whose human rights violations are of the tolerable-to-meritorious variety so often found on the Arabian peninsula, have imprisoned several British citizens and a few dozen nonentities because they supposedly shared images of collateral damage from the Persian Crusade. His Majesty's Government, which locks people up for writing words, is clearly in a position to sympathise, and has discreetly declined to say anything against the arrests or to provide effective help to the nefarious migrants. Since the realm of the Trumpster and his head-tribble is proving such an unreliable partner, Team Starmer is to be congratulated on its promptitude in finding another authoritarian petro-state on which to expend its world-beating powers of sycophancy.

We Shall Grovel on the Beaches

Such is Team Starmer's reverence for Britain's plucky little servicepersons that it is dispatching the head of state for a rah-and-blah with the Trumpster and his head-tribble. Leaving aside the intense relaxation of His Majesty's Government about war crimes, the Tangerine Emperor has been known to proclaim that America's allies prefer to stay away from the frontlines, and has even referred to the Royal Navy's boats as something less than jolly big; even so, the less special side of the relationship will be sending king and consort to help America celebrate its return to autocracy after that quarter-millennial blip into republicanism. In a pleasant demonstration that a healthy sense of humour still remains on at least one side of the Atlantic, the last day of the visit will be the anniversary of Hitler's death.

States' Rights

Much as British patriots have supplemented Mr Churchill's winning of the Second World War with an earlier generation's abolition of the slave trade, a patriot in the Christian state of Texas is reaching back beyond the late unpleasantness to re-ignite the glories of the eighteen-thirties and -forties. A rather new and dim lone star in the Texas house of representatives has proposed annexing some counties from the neighbouring state of New Mexico, which was stolen from Mexico when Texas declared independence and which the USA did not deign to restore when Texas surrendered that independence ten years later. Although the New Mexico governor's office has derided the proposal as not serious, there are apparently legislators in Texas who have nothing better to do than study its potential; and it would surely be imprudent to imagine that there is no man-baby or head-tribble in the USA at present who might benefit from the distraction of a civil war breaking out in Dixie.

Marginally More Mainstream than the Manosphere

Never let it be said that the middle management drones at Farage Falange, Inc. are less perceptive than middle management drones at other corporate poisoners of the air. Some have even noticed the public-relations perils inherent in associating with the Reverend Tommyrot Yaxleyson, or with Andrew Tate and his clean-limbed cohorts of militant male virgins, and are hinting that the Falange would be better off sticking with such famously sensible moderates as Jenrick, Braverman, Zahawi and the strutting Caudillo himself. Of course Yaxleyson has been tainted with woke socialistic replacement condonement ever since he approved Team Starmer's migrant-bashing policies; but it's encouraging that cadres of the Falange are taking the initiative and attempting to close the border between themselves and the more overtly criminal classes, while continuing to maintain legitimate routes of entry for economic migrants from the Conservative Party.

Refusing Integration

It seems the mayor of London, having accomplished three consecutive electoral victories, has no plans to jump aboard Team Starmer, which looks unlikely to manage two. Sadiq Khan has warned that Labour must stop taking progressive voters for granted, which seems rather unfair: far from taking progressives for granted, Labour has explicitly repudiated them, called them student politickers and antisemites, and told them just where they can go if they don't like it. Were it not implausibly subtle for either the Starmer inertia or the McSweeney bludgeon, one might suspect an attempt to discredit Khan by association with themselves; especially as Khan has also maintained an electoral coalition that includes Liberal Democrats and even the beastly Greens, without deigning to pander to that vital Farage Falange demographic which constitutes the moderate and sensible heart of the nation. With such a record on his conscience, it's hardly surprising that Khan would hesitate to tackle today's choppy electoral waters buoyed up by the ball and chain of accredited membership in Team Starmer.