While God Sat Back and Watched

As though last spring's little mishap were not enough, more failed Canadians may have been discovered in the grounds of another "residential school." Investigators have found evidence of recalcitrant pupils being dumped in rivers and lakes; or else cremated, doubtless with all due ceremony, in the school incinerator. The school, charged with the enlightenment of British Columbia's natives for ninety years, was run on such merciful lines that some pupils attempted suicide, and at least one runaway received divine retribution in the form of death from exposure. It remains as yet unclear what sanctions are to be imposed against Mussolini's favourite mediaeval city-state in the event of further embarrassments being uncovered.

Corpse Factory

In another glorious victory for Poland's echt-Vatican abortion laws, another woman has been allowed to die rather than imperil the holy foetus. When one of her twins died in the womb, doctors at the sardonically-named Blessed Virgin Mary hospital refused to remove the dead flesh, on the grounds that it is better in the eyes of the law to destroy an incubator than to halt a pregnancy. Only when the second foetus had been dead for two days were the medical staff able to overcome their scruples. By the grace of God, the failed incubator paid the ultimate price for her transgression, after several weeks of deteriorating health which, according to her relatives, the servants of the Blessed Virgin insinuated was mad cow disease.

Another Civilising Intervention

Britain's leading liberal newspaper professes itself shocked at the levels of decency, restraint and tolerance with which newly declassified documents characterise a notably successful episode of literary Britishness. In the early sixties, with Western civilisation yet again imperilled by a so-called elected leader, Britain's plucky little intelligence boffins went right to work. With straightforward British honesty, they declared a fatwa against the Indonesian foreign minister and incited pogroms against the ethnic Heathen Chinee. After all, the minister was a leftist and therefore presumably antisemitic. British restraint was much in evidence in a radio script where six kidnapped and murdered military officers blamed their fate on ethnic communism, and British decency found its own accustomed level in the pronouncement that, while in an ideal world all lives may matter, reality tends to slant against those who bring trouble on themselves by defying a global force for good. Eventually the so-called elected leader was removed and a sensible moderate stepped in to avoid chaos, while so efficiently restraining the natural and spontaneous anti-communism of his little brown brothers that the losses may have amounted to little more than half a million expendables. So sensible was his moderation, so tolerant Her Majesty's Government, and so palpable the shock of the contemporary Press, that he remained in power for over three decades.

Tastelessly Bronzed

Rebellious colonists in Puerto Rico, to which the native and now piously genocided Taino gave the less capitalistic name of Boriken, have de-pedestalled a statue of the local conquistador mere hours before a visit by the current monarch of the original colonising power. Felipe VI of Spain is visiting to commemorate the five hundredth anniversary of the capital's founding; the statue was that of one Juan Ponce de León, whose record as a mass murderer, slaver and thief was such that even a Catholic priest changed his mind about joining in. This aspect of the great man's career the well-mannered press report decorously omits to mention, stating only that Ponce de León eventually became Puerto Rico's first governor. His statue was forged in New York a decade and a half before the colony was seized by the United States, using bronze from captured British cannons; which may possibly explain why no squeals of outrage on behalf of violated history have been forthcoming from the worshippers of such graven images as Colston, Clive and Churchill.

Levellng Up and Down and All Around

Remarkably, considering that the Government's levelling-up agenda is an empty slogan in the charge of a jabbering homunculus, two-thirds of the officials charged with handling the rah-rah are based in the capital. Eighteen months ago the jabbering homunculus in question had a bit of a burble about getting literally closer to the plebs by relocating "government decision-making centres" to different regions of the Conservative Party's United Kingdom; but so far relatively few such palaces of democracy appear to have materlialised. Meanwhile, success has thus far eluded the Government's attempts at expanding the empty slogan to comprise sufficient verbiage for an entire White Paper. The latest excuse is that everyone is waiting for the report on Downing Street's work events which, once duly approved and redacted by Team Johnson, will undoubtedly be the occasion for an improving purge of the civil service, with the more redeemable offenders exiled to a career of getting close to the provincials.

Who Could Possibly Have Foreseen It?

Much to their shock and consternation, certain Conservative seat-warmers in the House of Expenses Claimants have received threats that government investment will be withdrawn from their constituencies unless they vote the right way. Like the gormless Baroness Warsi, who discovered the Conservatives' enthusiastic racism and sexism after mere decades of membership, the Parliamentary Not Particularly Bright Party has taken its time noticing the National Johnson's little character flaws, all of which have been on detectably fragrant display since at least his prole-poisoning stint as mayor of London. Before that, the National Johnson was sacked from the front bench for lying, and afterwards he waggled his prodigious statesmanship as Mad Tessie's Minister for Wogs, Frogs and Huns; but the seat-warmers in the House of Expenses Claimants either did not notice these peccadilloes, or else joined with our free, fair and cantankerous media in dismissing them with a light laugh until Dominic Cummings graciously gave permission to take them seriously. The chair of the standards committee has said that misconduct in public life is a matter for the police, although it remains as yet unclear whether the National Johnson is quite foreign enough to be shot while attempting to escape.

Decent Muslims Help Thin the Swarming Hordes

British values have received yet further stalwart support from the head-chopping House of Saud and its plucky little allies in the ongoing Yemen rampage; although with typical lack of moral fibre for the culture wars, Britain's leading liberal newspaper omits all mention of British backing for the coalition. A migrant detention centre, doubtless with conditions close to what patriotic Britons would wish for future wog warehousing in Rwanda, has been subjected to democratisation by detonation, with the usual edifying results. If the migrants had stayed at home, of course, the casualties would all have been criminals and the liberators would not have been forced to stain their reputation in this way. In a separate attack, Global Britain's favourite Islamic fundamentalists shut down Yemen's internet: an action which cannot help but appear benign to the red-rimmed pisshole perspective of Whitehall, which is suspicious of all communication not based on nods, winks and commercial family values.

Justifiable Homicide

Doubtless for the same weighty moral reasons that caused Him to prevent His servant, the sixteenth Daddy Goodspeak, from acting against endemic child abuse, God sat back on His heavenly throne and treated His dupes to another spectacular display of divine compassion as a couple of dozen people were crushed to death as they attended a mass grovel in Monrovia. Eleven children and a pregnant woman died after the crowd was attacked by street-gang members wielding knives, whose mischief was blithely tolerated by the benign Omniscience. Although the dead have presumably gone to their just reward, the Liberian president declared three days of mourning and recommended that prayer ceremonies be regulated in order to keep more martyrs out of Heaven's clutches. Given the Father's timeless perspective and His demonstrable addiction to collective chastisement, we may take it that the deaths were inflicted in order to punish Liberians in advance for this deplorable lack of faith.

Honourable Traditions, Worthy Successors

In an age when Geoff Hoon and John Major count as elder statesmen, one can hardly expect too much from the title of "Tory grandee," which Britain's free and fearless Press has duly conferred upon the pickled gammon David Davis. Having dutifully defended the National Johnson to his constituents, only to find his famous negotiating skills nearly as effective as when he went up against the Nazi Euro-wogs without a piece of paper, Davis sought to preserve his honour by delegating a spad to hunt up a quote. "In the name of God, go" was first uttered by Oliver Cromwell, who let the Jews back into England after four hundred years, presumably against the advice of the Daily Mail; but Davis and his servant were most likely thinking of Leo Amery, whose thoughts on national self-determination as a facile slogan and the superior advantages of large supra-national blocs would presumably get him precipitately expelled from the modern Conservative Party. However, in May 1940 Amery went some way towards atoning for this treason by using Cromwell's phrase to attack his own prime minister, Neville Chamberlain, who resigned within days and was dead of cancer within months. Whatever Amery's ancestral sins as a Hungarian Jew, not even David Davis could deny his dedication to the principles of modern Conservatism in using a national crisis as the excuse to put the boot into a terminal cancer victim.

Union Undermined

Patriotism and heritage are all very well in the right hands, but both can have unfortunate consequences unless properly controlled by the master race. A county council in Wales has defied centuries of tradition by designating St David's Day a bank holiday, to the ineffable ruination of whatever business interests still continue to survive the sunlit uplands of British independence. All sorts of people the English don't care about - social workers, refuse collectors, librarians and cleaners - will receive a paid holiday, although the least admired group of all - teachers - will not, because their conditions are negotiated (imposed, in Oldspeak) from a higher level. Bank holidays are themselves the responsibility of the gormless Sycophant of State for Business, Kwasi Kwarteng, last seen ordering Parliament's independent regulator to step down for being independent. Nevertheless, the leader of the offending council accused Her Majesty's Government of seeing Wales as the Empire's last colony, which is of course far from true. Although the military mugging and ethnic infiltration of Wales by Edward Longshanks was arguably England's first imperial conquest, for administrative purposes Wales has for seven centuries been considered part of England, like the Lake District, with some pleasant holiday scenery and a few pestiferous natives; hence the lack of dragons on the Union Jack. It remains as yet unclear whether the National Johnson intends sending a few stormtroopers to toddle across Offa's Dyke and restore the Queen's peace.