The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, June 21, 2024

Clouded Out

Since our lords and masters have decided that the climate catastrophe will prove most profitable if allowed to run its course, they are naturally concerned, after their moderate and sensible fashion, to protect themselves from the worst of its consequences. In this regard, spraying clouds with reflective substances has several advantages. It can reduce temperatures in a particular locality, thereby reducing the risk of spreading the benefits to people who haven't paid for them; and fortunately for a civilisation powered by built-in obsolescence, the benefits are short-lived and the technique will lose its effectiveness the more global weather patterns are relegated to the status of a price worth paying. By mid-century, the use of the technique may even have the "unintended" (sic) result of heating up yet further those parts of the globe occupied by one's rivals for said globe's ever more rapidly diminishing resources. Mere scientists seem to regard this entrepreneurial incentive with trepidation, and even suggest regulating the process, thereby demonstrating yet again the ivory-tower ingenuousness of the breed.

Thursday, June 20, 2024

Sparrows are Cheap

No sparrow can fall to earth without the knowledge of God; yet still the Plan dictates that they must fall, or in certain cases be made to fall. One such was an infanticide victim during the early eighties, whose body was discovered in a carrier bag by the local vicar and his wife. So profoundly moved was the community that the child's grave was isolated from the rest on economic grounds; and with similarly British spiritual poignancy, the case is receiving attention again because someone, a teenager when God's will was done, has now been arrested. To prevent the grave becoming completely overgrown with symptoms of common humanity, it was recently found necessary to provide a charity-handout headstone; and although the inscription could be considered unduly sarcastic, it does at least serve as a reminder, for those with eyes to see, of Who ordained the murder from the beginning of time and lifted not a single omnipotent finger to prevent it.

Wednesday, June 19, 2024

Civilisation Re-Imperilled

Supporters of security and defenders of deterrence have reacted with horror to the mutual defence pact between Russia and North Korea, two of the many nations for which legitimate security concerns are by definition oxymoronic. Like Iran's nuclear programme, North Korea's is self-evidently not a deterrent, by virtue of its enemies' eminently rational refusal to be deterred; and the fiend Putin's citing of North Korea's fictitious right to defend itself is self-evidently a crude parody of the more virtuous claims currently being shrieked from the rooftops of democracy with regard to the Righteous State. Putin's remarks are all the more irresponsible given the Righteous State's purely moral assaults against the Lebanese and Palestinian Untermenschen, in contrast to North Korea's seventy-year history of unprovoked and genocidal attacks upon the hapless and cowering allies of NATO.

Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Fiscal Subversion

British values are under attack in Austria, the rump of that unfortunate European empire which produced Mr Churchill's great contemporary. Like Adolf Hitler, who took the British Empire's moderate and sensible racism and violence to an unpalatable extreme by inflicting them on white people, an Austro-German heiress has disastrously misunderstood a fundamental tenet of liberal democracy: in this case, the moral imperative of donating to good causes as a tax dodge. She started badly by co-founding a pressure group campaigning for higher taxes, and has now taken the precipitately un-British action of putting most of her inherited wealth where her mouth is, relinquishing its control to a council of citizens. As a result, the money will be spent on non-profit issues such as homelessness, health and the environment, rather than on wealth creation as in the civilised world. Whether a Team Starmer government would be inclined to send a gunboat remains as yet unclear, but presumably the prospect has not been altogether ruled out.

Monday, June 17, 2024

Authoritative Moderativity for Sensible Electorability

As the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange seeks to establish a bridgehead - or, to use a less D-Day metaphor, seeks to implant his nasty little larvae for parasitic maturing inside a paralysed institution - various representatives of moderate sensibility have been extruded to wag the finger and remind the great British public of its responsibilities. The incumbent Conservative in the strutting Caudillo's target seat blamed the pandemic and the beastly Russians, whose recent atrocities were evidently having a substantial retrospective impact when the semi-melted waxwork Douglas Carswell won the seat for a prior incarnation of the Falange in 2015. The jabbering homunculus Michael Gove globbered that the great British public always elects "authoritative, sensible managers," rather than purple-faced lightweights like David Cameron, race-baiting cranks like Tumbledown Tessie, or blithering crooks like the National Johnson. One of Grant Shapps proclaimed itself a realist. Evidently, among the many blessings of belonging to a Team Britannia that elects only authoritative, sensible CEOs is the lack of any need to rewrite history.

Sunday, June 16, 2024

They Just Don't Think Like Us

We are aware, because ministers and defenders of the Righteous State have proclaimed it, that the influence of Hamas bestrides the world like the tentacles of a malignant international octopus; and the chief executive of Oxfam GB has duly confirmed her organisation's own part in the conspiracy with the claim that Britain's position regarding the assault on Gaza is, of all things, intellectually and morally incoherent. In fact, of course, Britain is the most intellectually and morally coherent country in the world, as may be seen from the fact that its three main political parties exist in lock-step agreement on virtually every matter of policy and differ only as to the methods by which their common aims might most gloriously be achieved. Nevertheless, the chief executive of Oxfam GB seems to think some sort of doublethink may be at work in the British practice of helping to arm the Righteous State while simultaneously sending humanitarian aid to the Palestinian Untermenschen, even though - strictly in accordance with the dictates of moral and intellectual coherence - the armaments are doubtless contributing significantly to the aid not getting through.

Saturday, June 15, 2024

Notional Honour

This day is not his date of birth,
And thus the monarch's listing
Does tribute to the Empire's worth
As something non-existing.

Knights, dames and alphabet-BE:
Our great and modern nation
Gives favoured plebs the pedigree
Of mediaeval station.

Samuel Grimsnipe

Friday, June 14, 2024

Family Planning Goes Wild

Since human activity is changing the ecosystem and altering habitats to the detriment of some species and the advantage of others, inevitably the species that prosper most are those least convenient to human beings: grey squirrels, wild boar, winged rats, feral budgies and Homo sapiens ipsedixit. Since artificial limits on human breeding are a priori out of the question, scientists are considering how best to curb fertility in wild animals. The Americans are already administering contraceptives to feral horses, while the South Africans are injecting them into the local elephants; but expanding the practice to smaller species may involve one or two difficulties. Quite apart from the likely objections by religious groups, many of which are inhabited almost exclusively by voracious little breeders, there could also be trouble from the trans-basher community, who can hardly be expected to support measures that might allow male fish to sneak onto their plates in the guise of femininity.

Thursday, June 13, 2024

Where the Old Folks Wash Away

Despite the valiant efforts by its governor, Ronald of the Saints, to defy the Heathen Chinee climate hoaxers, it seems God has no plans as yet to spare the Christian state of Florida from the deluge. Heavy rain and flooding have blocked roads, amphibianised private vehicles, delayed ice-hockey players on their way to a game against a team with a fossil-fuel name, and quite possibly caused a few school shootings to fizzle because of damp ammunition. Whether God is doing all this because He finds the Sunshine State's work ethic insufficiently harsh remains as yet undisputed; but an unusually active hurricane season is predicted, even if only by scientists, so at least there may soon be a bit of a breeze to dry things out.

Wednesday, June 12, 2024

An Excuse Waiting to be Used

No disaster happens in vain provided it can be used to justify another disaster. Mere weeks after poisoning residents of a Devon town, the forward-looking moisture provision entrepreneurs who own South West Water are consolidating their next excuse with all the efficiency of a minister for rah-rah invoking World War II in aid of World War III. Since climate scientists have warned for a mere few decades about the consequences of global heating, the wealth creators at Pennon Group have suddenly discovered that climate change will bring both increased moisture provision (floods, storms) and increased demand (heat-waves, droughts), besides creating a congenial environment for parasites, pathogens and profiteers. With the co-operation of a government dedicated to rolling back the green crap, the wages of several decades' trading of national infrastructure for boardroom profits can handily be blamed upon the filthy coal-burning habits of the Maldives or the Heathen Chinee, and Pennon will not be hung out to dry.