It's In Their Genes

Given that Britain still hasn't worked out what kind of relationship it requires of the beastly Euro-wogs, it should come as no surprise that the master race is also a bit vague in its dealings with the Heathen Chinee. A report by an international gaggle of legislators noted that China is "an inherently (sic) hostile authoritarian state that does not share our values" - this sentence being underlined, although whether in green or purple ink remains unclear. The report has therefore received the clear-eyed commendation of little Tommy Tugendhat, who even in the intellectual chandelier that is the British hard right was never the brightest bulb. Quite aside from their refusal to knuckle under on the question of what constitutes an acceptable human rights violation, it is certainly true that the inherent hostiles don't share our values on climate change: the Chinese think adaptations should be made as rapidly and effectively as possible, while the British are still arguing over whether anything should be done at all. Nevertheless, in spite of its yellow-peril squealing the report does manage to suggest that His Majesty's Government might consider employing an expert or two, provided any can be found who have lived amomg the inherent hostiles and learned to speak the language without going native; so there seems little danger that the Ministry for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets will take much notice.

Gunboat Something-or-Other

It isn't often that the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange gets to play the voice of moderation, and he has seized his current chance with all the slippery strength of his perspiring little paws. His underling the former Minister for Richard Desmond had waved the wog-baiting willy with perhaps a trifle too much gusto, proclaiming that a Falange régime would send in the Marines to apply all necessary lethal force against the migrant hordes. In response the Minister for Wog-Bombing and Refugee Creation proclaimed such an attitude contrary to British values and worthy only of lesser breeds, and protested tautologicaly that Britain does not take military action against civilians: being on the wrong side of British military action vitiates civilian status as automatically as being on the right side of the Conservative Party guarantees a shadow ministry in the Falange. The strutting Caudillo was moved to clarify that force would only be used if Britain's plucky little servicepersons were fired upon by lowlife scum; although it remains as yet unclear how many of the small boats crossing the Channel are equipped with cannon, or how many armed assaults have taken place other than by the dinghy-stabbing martyr of the Dover and Portsmouth Blackshirts, or how many actual gangsters and people-smugglers are so suffused with British values as to risk their own lives along with those of their victims.

Someone Else's Fault

Apparently there are countries which attempt to influence the politics of other countries in order to serve their own interests. What a wicked world it is, to be sure. Like those opponents of the Trumpster who blame his activities on Tsar Vladimir rather than on the diarrhoeic defecations of his rabid radioactive head-tribble, the Prime Minister has implied that the great British public would require outside interference before ever voting racist and stupid. In keeping with the principles of doublethink (the enemy is about to overwhelm us; the enemy is clownishly incompetent), there has been some hasty rowing back on the idea that Russian interference has had any significant effect; which indicates that the revelation has less to do with the national imperative of war within five years and more to do with demonstrating to the Home Front that Labour isn't soft on official enemies. In any case, it will no doubt be refreshing to see Brexiteer visages mottled in newly apoplectic shades of purple at the idea that they've been stooges for a menace from the East; and it is certainly a triumph of Britishness to ponder an act of xenophobic idiocy for slightly more than a decade and then blame the beastly foreigns.

Deny Yourself

Christian nationalists don't go to church much, which may possibly help to explain why the church named after the greatest country in the world has thus far omitted to endorse them. Researchers into the desperately relevant issue of "Christianity and Britishness" have discovered, mirabile dictu, that Christians who are hostile to Islam and immigration tend not to agree that their values require welcoming the foreigner. It appears that such people are merely invoking the name of Jesus to further their own agenda: something no genuine Christian would ever do, as may be seen from that famous moral unanimity which has characterised and sustained the true faith these past millennia.

Those commenting on the report displayed the customary degree of moral and historical honesty: "You don’t choose who you’re sitting next to in the pew, you don’t choose who’s next to you in the communion rail," said one. "It becomes a bit more human and more humane." Well, you probably also don't choose which Blackshirt is next to you on the barricade; but humane or not, in either case one chooses to be with the saved in-group and not the damned Other. "The church is and has been since its inception a multi-ethnic, multinational group, and may not rightly be equated with any nationality or ethnicity," proclaimed someone else. Unless Jesus doesn't count, the church at its inception consisted entirely of Jews.

Worthy Opponents

As the verdict looms regarding the strutting Caudillo and one of his smaller billionaire bungs, at least two frėres et semblables of the Farage Falange are making noises about the possible second by-election in Clacton. In the wake of the conference season, some parties are perhaps a little distracted by their own affairs: the ex-Deputy Conservatives are worried whether Sir Edward Davey has been falling into enough canals lately, while Labour and the Greens are in the throes of forming a coalition to frame Zack Polanski as the new Jeremy Coebbels. Nevertheless, both the violet-visaged gentleman farmer Rupert of Yarmouth and the mugger-lode for the Falange front bench are readying themselves for a closely-fought contest against the man who enabled Count Binface to retain his deposit.

Fiddling Digits

Remarkably enough, the party that brought us the chancellorships of George Osborne, Kwasi Kwarteng, Nadhim Zahawi and Fishy Rishi seems to be having trouble with its figures. The Conservatives' conference hymnal, a hundred-page screed touted as a precise diagnosis of the country's problems, cites the Climate Change Committee estimate for the cost of net zero at twice the actual number. Apparently someone double-counted a spreadsheet entry, perhaps under the impression that they were filing an expenses claim or estimating the daily income of an asylum seeker. Doubtless it was the kind of honest mistake that can happen even in such intellectually rigorous environments as the Conservative Party; and besides, in those exalted realms the climate is hardly a major issue.

Prudent Peace

We have the word of the Trumpster and his head-tribble, for whatever that word may be worth, that no major new war crimes will be perpetrated against Iran before next month's mid-term elections. Beyond the need to boost the monarchy's vote by re-declaring victory again, the market strategy of wog-bombing the mad mullahs must yield to the military necessity of controlling domestic dissent; so troops and equipment are being brought home for the moment. Once the home front has been appropriately incentivised, motivoted and securitivated, all options remain open for re-unpausing the Persian Crusade in time to celebrate the arrival of Baby Jesus during the subsequent Shoppingmas season.

Enigmatic Escalation

Satellite imagery appears to show that the Heathen Chinee are conducting cunning operations in South-east Asia. Reputedly used by the World Cop during its famously legal and humane intervention to save Vietnam from the Vietnamese, Ban Keun airport in Laos has now been re-purposed to more subtle and sinister ends. A military facility has been sneaked into being, which the Heathen Chinee claim is a support and training centre, and which they have subtly equipped with trainer aircraft almost as if it were a support and training centre. This fiendishly deceptive double-bluff is merely the latest in a series of Heathen Chinee military provocations, and developments will be closely monitored for any sign that the West is about to be encircled or its civilising regional influence insidiously undermined.

Uncomplaining Tenants Deserve Better

Politicians in the state of New South Wales have responded to a Guardian Australia exposé of paupers' graves with the usual moral fulminations, pleas of ignorance, and pledges to improve. One senator asserted that "being poor in a country as wealthy as Australia should not condemn you to an unmarked communal grave," although self-evidently there is nothing wrong in the aforesaid country condemning you to be poor before shovelling you into a labelled single. Meanwhile, the shadow minister for defence personnel was indignant that good patriotic gook-shooters are being treated like mere migrants, rough sleepers and gambling addicts. Just because a person's country allows people to die in poverty, clearly that's no reason why the better class of corpse should be buried in it.

Bombed Out

Those who still believe that Britain's national security has anything much to gain from vassalage to the World Cop will be relieved at the announcement that the USAF base at Fairford is safe even though a squadron of the Trumpster's raghead fragmentation assemblages has departed for less hostile shores. Although it's theoretically possible that something nasty was sneaked in with the catering, the evacuation is ostensibly in response to men in white vans being discovered in possession of petrol, which can be a very dangerous substance when it falls into the wrong hands. With the Trumpster's mid-term triumph approaching, it remains as yet unclear whether the aircraft will be used for an electoral escalation of the Persian Crusade, or for domestic operations against results-faking voter queues.