Will This Land Never Be Clean?

Never content to rest on its lily-white laurels, the Ministry for Wog Control has been busily dispatching letters to citizens of the Strasbrussels threat, informing them that their residency rights are all a ghastly mistake. Hard-working scions of the master race, abetted no doubt by their American infoslop robocolleagues, are apparently sending up to a hundred missives a month, informing the Euro-wog infiltrators that paying tax in the nation of the Farage Falange and its panderers may be too exquisite a privilege for the likes of them. Since the Ministry's conscience is as clear as ever, full disclosure as to the number of looming expulsions has not been forthcoming; but doubtless all is as moderately fair and above board as ome could sensibly expect. Even so, certain subverters of the people's will are carping that this latest purge may violate the withdrawal agreement, which contains a provision that the mainland should not cleanse itself of beastly Euro-wogs except where such measures are, if you please, genuinely proportionate. If genuineness or proportionality had any place in the immigration debate, let alone in its obligate parasite the Brexit debate, somebody would surely have noticed by now.

Swift Justice

Lawyers for the circumvention of law on behalf of the Trumpster and his head-tribble have requested the dismissal of their own case over the alleged vandalism of the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool. The administration had filed charges against a retired Olympic athlete on the grounds that he did wilfully and with malice aforethought place his hand in the water and sabotage the lining, thereby causing algae to bloom and turning the surface from royal blue to Lincoln green. Someone has belatedly discovered that everybody was frightfully busy at the time, booking cage fighters to dignify the White House's Independence Day celebrations, so that the charges were filed in a bit of a rush. It is a tribute to the leadership of the Trumpster and his head-tribble that their administration's customary level-headedness and respect for due process have been reasserted before any missiles were fired.

We're All In It Together

Suffolk may be going up in smoke, but a bracing Britishness continues to characterise the attitude of our great nation's moisture provision profiteers in applying the rules for drought management. While hosepipe bans and paddling prohibitions are in force for the little people and their offspring, golf courses and private school playing fields continue to be healthily besprinkled; although the school in question has hastened to reassure that only the sports pitches are being watered. Such concessions to modern Socialism aside, the fact that the pitches will not be in use until September efficiently rubs in the timeless moral lesson about the difference between real people who own private grounds and the rabble who use public parks.

On the Bright Side

Almost three thousand people have died as a result of the heatwaves in May and June, prompting the Minister for Palantir to donate some thoughts to those who have lost loved ones. The Minister also thanked the NHS staff, care workers and emergency responders whose living standards, if not livelihoods, will doubtless be declared unsustainable in the next few rounds of hard choices and tough decisions. It remains as yet unclear how far, if at all, the record-breaking casualty figures are likely to affect His Majesty's Government's attitude to drilling for more fossil fuels and turning over large swathes of the realm to the production of infoslop and more heat; especially as the excess deaths will most likely have occurred among those expendable enough to be without air conditioning.

Moderate Moisture for Sensible Sunshine

Remarkably enough, despite rainfall levels last winter which drew comparison with a meritorious genocide, and despite the unabashed exuberance of pay packets for the moisture provision profiteers, half of England has somehow contrived to muddle its way into drought. Since no new reservoirs have been opened in thirty-five years, and since reducing corporate waste would blaspheme against the national religion, seven moisture provision profiteering outfits have imposed restrictions on use by the little people. Also on the positive side, the winter's floods mean that reservoir storage is only seven and a half per cent below the average, which certainly ought to show the nay-sayers and tree-huggers that climate change isn't all bad.

Caught Without Papers

A judge has queried the decision of his predecessor in rejecting the appeal of a Moroccan woman against His Majesty's Government's decision to kick her and her potentially job-stealing child back into the arms of her gangster husband. The Ministry for Wog Disposal based its case on a document which confirmed that Morocco was a safe country, but which had the minor disadvantages of being nearly a decade out of date and also not real. Although the judge who heard the woman's appeal did not deign to concern himself with such ontological pettifoggery, his senior colleague has claimed that relying on non-existent documentation is analogous, if you please, to relying on bogus evidence, as if that were anything wrong or unusual in carrying out the will of the people. Given that asylum seekers constitute a non-existent threat, it is surely well within the bounds of British fairness that they should be expunged on the basis of non-existent documents.

Schoolgirls Not Included

Although mere war crimes may not carry much weight with the Trumpster and his head-tribble, a certain residual significance does yet cling to the occasional legal technicality. His Imperial Majesty's Loyal Opposition are up in arms over the fiddling of official casualty figures for the Persian Crusade, which the administration is counting as two separate crusades for the purposes of evading the sixty-day limit on international aggression without the approval of Congress. Depending on whether one counts from before or after the sort-of-ceasefire, the casualties worth bothering about stand at either eighteen or fourteen dead and either six hundred-odd or four hundred-odd wounded. As a result, at least one among His Imperial Majesty's Loyal Opposition has uncompromisingly proclaimed that the Department of War is breaking the law and somebody ought to do something about it.

The Likelier Culprit

Even as the mainland swelters, some seventy million subjects of a more upstart royalty are in for their third major heatwave of the month. As the elevated temperatures will affect the more pious states in the south and centre, they are on balance unlikely to be viewed as divine punishment for the sin of succumbing to the woke mind virus. Instead, blame is expected to fall upon a heat dome, a meteorological phenomenon which holds hot air in place like a cunningly expanded weather balloon and thereby provides a subtly spurious substantiation for the Heathen Chinee global warming hoax. It is to be hoped that, as with the wrath of God, those afflicted will be morally reprobate and mostly expendable.

Flushed Out

Three-quarters of England's major sewage outlets are off limits to the public, even when the latter are not celebrating the latest heatwave by trying to drown themselves. Such is the delirious Britishness of the situation that major designated walking trails are unable to follow the rivers for which they are named; and in keeping with our fundamental values, there is no statutory right to ninety-six per cent of the rivers in the Anglo-Cymric Agglomeration of Nations. It is likely that the situation will change once the country's wholesale conversion into an infoslop farm necessitates the further privatisation of rights and socialisation of liabilities; for the present, landowners are fortunately available to exert whatever prerogatives their consciences allow.

On What Is, and Is Not, An Emergency

Nearly sixty per cent of those arrested for violent disorder during a recent outpouring of spontaneous indignation against police persecution of the poor little master race had also been reported for domestic abuse. Twenty-two of the thirty-seven detained warriors for British values are not only wife-beaters but self-righteous wife-beaters; which doubtless accounts for the response from the Ministry for Wog Disposal. A spokesbeing proclaimed that "violence against women and girls is a national emergency," but made no mention of violence against ethnics, foreigns, migrants, asylum seekers or other causes of legitimate and understandable concern; thereby magnanimously leaving open the possibility that the race rioters are merely seeking a socially acceptable outlet for their plucky bulldog patriotism.