The Curmudgeon


Wednesday, July 08, 2020

He Wasn't Having a Mote Removed

Given that the Dear Leader's trip to the optician's castle at Durham in the middle of the lockdown exposed the Cummings administration as liars and hypocrites, it's only to be expected that the Church of England would have a few moral qualms about those who called out the Cummings administration as liars and hypocrites. Several bishops criticised Cummings and his government on social media, and some of them received death threats in response; though since Cummings is not Jeremy Corbyn any suggestion of responsibility on his part would of course be unacceptably antisemitic. The General Synod is due for an online pearl-clutching session over whether it was appropriate for members of the Church to criticise those who endanger others by declaring themselves exempt from the rules at a time of national emergency; especially at a time when clergy are having to close their cathedrals and are dismayed at not being exempt from the rules at a time of national emergency.

Tuesday, July 07, 2020

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

It is reckoned among our Pedants, that the Quantity of Perſons claimed by the Peſtilence in England may exceed that in any other Realm outſide the American Colonies, though theſe laſt ſhould arguably be omitted from Calculation given their unfair Advantages of Space, Puritaniſm and Smallpox. But if the great Britiſh Nation hath achieved of its own buccaneering Initiative a more thorough Cleanſing of the expendable Claſses than any leſser Breed could accompliſh, then ſurely it is fitting to permit ourſelves a brief Period of Rejoycing. Our noble Prime Miniſter this very day applauded the Attendants at our Aſylums for the Infirm and Bewildered, for having played ſo honourable a Part in relieving the Congeſtion of our Cities and enabling new Heights of Efficiency among the Peaſantry, in victorious Contraſt with the beaſtlie French and other rival Powers. I have it from a moſt reliable Source, that the Piles of bloated Corſes in the Streets of Paris are noted for their Paltrineſs by the great Majority of Witneſses, and that thoſe who have obſerved Conditions in London and the Provinces manifeſt ſuch Aſtoniſhment, that afterward they can ſcarce ſummon the Will to return to their Relatives upon the Britiſh Mainland. Should the Peſtilence leave their Armies more numerous than ours, then ſo much the greater will be our future Glories for being won againſt the Odds.

At the Bloater and Blueſtocking Coffee-houſe there is much Talk of ſetting up a Royall Commiſsion for the Purpoſe of regiſtering formally the Gratitude of the Britiſh People towards Her Majeſty's Government and enſuring that appropriate fiſcal Compenſations are fairly diſtributed among the Heroes, and I have therefore written to Her Majeſty offering my moſt devoted Chairmanſhip for a very negotiable Conſideration, and had copies diſpatched to all her Sons and their Valets, Buttlers, Procurers and the more literate Type of Nannies.

Monday, July 06, 2020

The Colstonoclasm Avenged

Adherents of patriotic relativism - the idea that all the master race's historical figures, with the possible exceptions of Nurse Cavell and Boris Johnson, should be judged by the standards of their times - will rejoice at the initiative of some Fourth of July celebrants in New York who commemorated the re-opening of the mainland's pubs by pulling down a statue of Frederick Douglass. Notoriously disrespectful of the free world's attitude to property rights and human resources management, Douglass not only deprived his legal owners of his labour but compounded this un-Christian subversion by conspiring to help others do the same. In a speech in 1852 he even went so far as to imply that the standards of our own time - siding with the strong against the weak and with the oppressor against the oppressed - might somehow have room for improvement. Certainly, by any profitable reckoning he was a very bad man indeed.

Sunday, July 05, 2020

Bad Theology

Text for today: II Samuel 1 i-xvi

As is His occasional habit, God has stood complacently by while the Philistines slaughter an entire army of His chosen, including all the sons of King Saul. The king has fallen on his sword, having been refused the coup de grâce by a servant who fears to lay hands on him. A man comes before David and states that he found Saul still alive and leaning on his spear, and that he killed Saul when the king asked him to end his suffering. David has the man executed.

Had God been interested in ending the king's suffering, He would have done it Himself, and the premature termination of Saul's pain is therefore the act of a blasphemer and usurper. The king's armour bearer, being presumably a Hebrew himself, having witnessed the gory scene on Mount Gilboa evidently takes the hint. Knowing better than to expect mercy, he commits suicide alongside Saul rather than face David's judgement.

Having torn his clothes to demonstrate his grief (and, no doubt incidentally, to absolve himself of complicity in Saul's demise), David asks the man who brought the news where he is from. When the man responds that he is the son of an Amalekite immigrant, David has him killed for showing compassion to the Lord's anointed when the Lord Himself had none. David's combination of xenophobia with murderous fanaticism prefigures the gospel of the Lord's anointed Son, whose biographers proclaimed Him David's spiritual heir.

Saturday, July 04, 2020

God Murders While They Smile

When asked how happy they are, people who believe themselves under continual supervision by an omnipotent génocidaire who will inflict hideous punishment for any disobedience respond more or less as one would expect. Like any other slaves when questioned in the presence of their owner, religious fanatics from the USA to the Righteous State describe themselves as "very happy," no matter what the suffering inflicted by their fun-loving gods. Although the results of the research were not uniform, with apparently lower degrees of enthusiasm in half the countries surveyed, the Hasidic leader of a team in Tel Aviv has predictably decreed that "the more religious you are, the more resilience you have," whatever the economic and personal consequences of isolation, overcrowding and arbitrary supernatural restrictions. Once the mainland is properly cloistered from the European evil, no doubt the same will apply to Britain's own national cult of racial purity and Churchill twice on Sundays.

Friday, July 03, 2020

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

Our noble and virtuous Prime Miniſter, that Cuſtodian of our Britiſhneſs, that Benefactor of the Peaſantry and moſt manlie Specimen of our ſtout Iſland Breed, hath moſt movingly demonſtrated his Commitment to Family Values by allowing his aged Progenitor to go a Jaunt into the Wilds of Bulgaria, where the Seaſon for Sodomite-hunting is not yet cloſed. I hear from moſt reliable Sources, that it is cuſtomary in thoſe Parts to bait the depraved Creatures by attaching a rainbow Banner to the Hindquarters of a young Stallion, the ſolemn Taſk being performed according to Tradition by a ſmooth-buttocked Student for the Prieſthood. A Sodomite in the full Gripe of his unnatural Luſt will purſue ſuch Bait for Days upon Days without Pauſe for Reſt or Nouriſhment, meanwhile filling the Countryſide with the ſhrill horrid Hullaballoo of its mating Call, and the Sport of the Chaſe is reputed to provide as great and gentlemanly Amuſement as our own Courſing of Hares, Strangling of Badgers, Diſmemberment of Foxes, Hanging of Thieves and Sticking of Pigges.

This moſt ſtateſmanlike Demonſtration of filial Piety by our dear Leader hath naturally provoked much vicious hypocritical Diſsent among the mean of Spirit and filthy of Mind, whoſe traitorous Sniping and foreignerlike Scoffs would doubtleſs inflame the entire Populace if not for the moſt foreſighted Meaſure of opening the Publick-houſes upon the morrow. For that doth not exiſt in Heaven and Earth which can obſtruct the inborn Reſpect and Affection, which a true Native of theſe Iſles harbours towards his Betters, while the Rabble is aſsured of its healthy and vigorous Britiſh Rights of Booze, Binge and buccaneering Regurgitation.

There are no further Tidings of any Moment, ſave onlie that the Head of the Civil Service hath deſerted his Poſt in a fit of Pique at being called a ſeditious Rapſcallion and a vile miſpriſing Traytor and Baby-eating Frenchman, all of which Epithets he merited moſt thoroughly.

Thursday, July 02, 2020

Clean Rivers or Dry Carpets: Britain Cannot Afford Both

There are many was to help shareholders during an environmental crisis, and the fragrant people at Thames Water have been doing their part by dumping raw sewage into an environmental wetland. The area used to be part of the London Olympic Blanched Pachyderm complex; but after the Games of St Tony and the Blessed Tessa it was developed as an environmental haven for the public. Of course, being both a public and an environmental asset the wetland was as natural a target for Thames Water's private excretions as an uppity Negro for the moral splatter of a twenty-first-century Churchill. This doubtless explains the Environment Agency's blithe proclamation that it's all within the rules; and in similar spirit, the fragrant people at Thames Water released a finger-wagging chastisement of the plebeians' unrealistic expectations. The alternative to dumping untreated sewage in environmental wetlands would be to flood people's homes, and literally no other possibility exists because that is how the system has been designed. That's what freedom of choice is all about.

Wednesday, July 01, 2020

Send Us Your Dawsons, Your Lindemanns and Lysenki

Although science has a tendency to let the side down by relying on experts and concerning itself with facts, the Cummings administration has apparently decided that a post-independence brain drain might be a less than desirable result even for the Not Awfully Bright Party. There are certain minor issues, such as that little business of setting up our own satellite broadband without troubling over such petty details as whether it will work, which may possibly turn out to require an expert or two if only for blame-sharing purposes. Accordingly, the Cummings administration has founded a new thingy for helping foreign scientists navigate the hostile environment.The ex-Deputy Conservatives have been quick to dismiss the initiative; which seems scientific enough given their enthusiastic connivance in setting up the hostile environment to begin with.

Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Bigger Than Some

Today being the sixtieth anniversary of Congolese independence, the king of Belgium has expressed regret over the wounds of the past, linking them with the pain and discrimination of the present. He stopped short of an apology, which might have traumatised patriots by implying reparations of a more substantial nature; and with similar tact he also stopped short of the view recently expressed by the Imperial Haystack, that the only problem with the colonial era was that the violence and brutality didn't go on long enough. Before giving up its independence to Brussels, plucky little Belgium was quite the global benefactor; and even during the post-colonial era the Belgian state so far raised its game as to stand by in spiritual Britishness while US-backed freedom fighters assassinated Patrice Lumumba. Although its entrepreneurialism never buccaneered as extensively as that of the British Empire, Belgium under Léopold II did manage to bestow upon the natives of the Congo a comprehensive lesson in respect for royalty. The king's courtly pleasures provoked a degree of disapproval among his more hypocritical contemporaries, although remarkably few British commentators seem to have observed divine retribution descending with the implementation of the Schlieffen Plan.

Monday, June 29, 2020

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

In order that the common Folk remain mindful of their Obligation to breed back the Work-force and Cannon-fodder ſo inconveniently loſt to the Peſtilence, our noble Prime Miniſter hath yeſterday publiſhed an improving Portrait of himſelf with Buttocks majeſtically elevated in Performance of the Act of Generation. However, his preſent Whore being occupied with the Care of his lateſt Baſtard, and the Ladies of the Court being occupied with Chapel-going and ſome frilly Trifles for the Archbiſhop, and the Serving-wenches being naturally without the requiſite Preſence and Dignity, it was neceſsary for the noble Gentleman to aſsume the Miſsionary Poſition over a Knot-hole in the Floor, which had foreſightedly been planed ſmooth of Splinters and thoroughly greaſed with the beſt quality Lard. I am informed by reliable Witneſses, that our gallant Leader roſe moſt adequately to the Occaſion, proclaiming with his accuſtomed good Cheer, that the onlie better Fit would be the ſevered Head of a well grown Pigge, ſuch as he and other Men of Deſtiny would employ at the Univerſity during those Times of hard Famine when other Porkage was not to be had. In Emulation of a great Stateſman I have attemped this Method myſelf, but have found the Pigge, like many among the Peaſantrie, to be ſomewhat ſluggiſh of Motivation once deceaſed. As for the Prime Miniſter it appeareth the Knot-hole was commodious enough, ſuch that the Archbiſhop and a bevy of charitable Ladies on the floor below were much inconvenienced by the Ejaculations coming down from above, and when they raiſed their Eyes to Heaven were covered thoroughly in Confuſion.