The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Extinction Remuneration

For those fun-loving American citizens who are unwilling to take the risks involved in massacring ethnics or shooting schoolchildren, yet who retain a certain enthusiasm for pumping projectiles into live flesh, there is always the pleasure of the hunt. A group called Safari Club International, whose members can win prizes for increasing the danger to endangered species, has spent a million pounds propagandising to block a proposed law against importing hunting trophies into Britain. The National Johnson pledged to institute a ban on body parts of endangered species three years ago, though his eminently divertable determination may have been turned aside by squeals of moral indignation from native Huntin', Shootin' and Fishin' enthusiasts who argued that one must kill the species in order to preserve the species. Then again, given the seven-figure bung from a bunch of gun-toting foreigners, the legislation's failure to reach Parliament may simply be due to one of those benign fiscal coincidences so prevalent in Britain's world-beating democracy.

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Flexible Response

Having already squabbled with the hotbeds of Communist subversion that are the CBI, the Church of England and the courts, Her Majesty's Government now seems on the verge of adding the best military services in the world to its ever-lengthening blacklist. The 2019 Conservative manifesto pledged an annual increase of half of one per cent above inflation for the war chest; but since the Chancellor has been content to sit back and let inflation leap joyously towards ten per cent, the National Johnson has once again been obliged to clarify the matter. On this occasion he did so by decreeing that annually did not mean year on year, but only the best out of five, and that ipso facto inflation must drop precipitately in the next two years or else risk the displeasure of the master race. Meanwhile the Minister for Wog-Bombing, evidently intoxicated by Press headlines crediting him with 0.5% more independence of mind than the mean Cabinet average, demanded a commitment of two and a half per cent of GDP by the beginning of the National Johnson's projected third term in office. An emollient Downing Street spokesbeing designated the year 2019 "a different age," which may be a bit of a shock to a party whose electoral base believes we're still living in the age of Winston Churchill and/or George IV. In any case, things have come to a pretty pass when the Conservative Party cannot even keep its promises to those who kill wogs for money.

Monday, June 27, 2022

Criminal Lawyers

Striking criminal law barristers have been demonstrating their commitment to an outmoded, dinosaurian concept of British justice: "We do this work because we are socially minded," self-incriminated one of them. As has been clear since the original assaults on legal aid by the Conservatives and their little yellow fags in the first Bullingdon Club administration, Her Majesty's Government envisages a smooth-running system whereby those who incur disapproval are arrested by a privatised police force and, should they survive the experience, are subsequently hustled through an efficient corporate trial, and thence into profitable incarceration by an enterprising human warehouse company. Such a system would run all the smoother, of course, if the police, the courts and the prisons were all managed by the same corporation; perhaps those efficient Serco people. By contrast, the enemy within is blatantly nostalgic for a return to the nineteen-seventies, whereby legal representation is available not only to hard-working families like the Maxwells and the Windors, but even to those guilty of that primal malfeasance which contains all genuine offences within itself: the crime of fiscal undeservingness.

Sunday, June 26, 2022

World-Beating Diplomacy

Mere days after allegedly denouncing Her Majesty's Government's wog transportation policy, the Prince of Wales has once more demonstrated his imperfect understanding of British democracy. At a ribbon-snipping speech for the Commonwealth summit in Rwanda, the heir to the throne gave explicit permission for lesser breeds to depose the Queen, and then compounded the constitutional violation by implying that such treason might proceed, of all things, "calmly and without rancour." His remarks were all the more tactless in that Rwanda now has the honour of embodying British democracy's eternal bedrock of nationalist hysteria and racial hatred, and doubtless during their subsequent chin-wag the National Johnson and sometime Minister for Wogs, Frogs and Huns duly reminded His Royal Highness of the need for discretion and restraint when dealing with troublesome piccaninnies.

Saturday, June 25, 2022

Self-Solving Migrants

Even among those rare asylum seekers whom the Ministry for Wog Disposal condescends to regard as non-bogus, it appears that British decency is taking rather a toll. Eighty-two swarming hordes officially deemed vulnerable have died since January 2020 while being accommodated at Her Majesty's wog warehouses. Whether in cases of torture victims neglected until they physically fall to bits, or cases of suicide abetted by the bureaucracy-light ministrations of those charming Serco people, the hostile environment works just as well on genuine refugees as on job-stealing economic migrants, welfare terrorists and Russian spies. With characteristic modesty, Her Majesty's Government has sought to deflate the figures, utilising its usual combination of semantic flexibility and veridical insouciance to rule that safeguarding has nothing to do with safeguards.

Friday, June 24, 2022

Trouble in Embryo

Given the healthy ideological overlap between climate deniers and coathanger fans, it appears that something of a moral dilemma may be incubating in South Korea. Legal representatives of sixty-one children under eleven, as well as a twenty-week foetus, are challenging the state for failing to curtail emissions sufficiently to guarantee future generations their basic constitutional rights. Although the idea of granting rights to children under seventy and outside a certain income bracket may be alien to all that the sclerotic World Cop by the grace of Baby Jesus stands for, the Christian insistence on prioritising the rights of potential human beings over those of the merely sentient may yet yield some amusing twists, especially when brought up against the human rights of corporations.

Thursday, June 23, 2022

Cream of the Crap

One of the country's biggest dairy firms has received a slap on the wrist for its Johnsonian attitude to environmental law. Dairy Crest was fined some small change because it repeatedly contaminated the River Inny in Cornwall with liquid waste, suspended solids and biological sludge. Expectably enough given a water supply that mirrored the British establishment, local people suffered bad smells and headaches while fish were massacred by the hundreds; and expectably enough for Britain's world-beating environmental standards, the company pleaded guilty and paid the fine and continues to break the law.

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

But the Wise Took Oil

True to the spirit of humility, the Church of England leads its communicants from behind: having pledged to divest from companies not aligned with the pathetically faith-based Paris agreement, it continues to abstain from the worldly pride of climate-based puritanism. Presumably the weightiest theological reasons are involved, but even some of the Church's own dupes are beginning to show signs of impatience. With the support of their bishop, Christians in the diocese of Oxford have elected to ignore their Saviour's explicit promise that a new Heaven and a new Earth await them once the rest of us have been burned. Infants having their heads washed in the name of the divine génocidaire and His faithful offspring are to be ceremonially ordered to safeguard the integrity of creation, subject no doubt to the usual Christian safeguards of fiscal self-preservation and sectarian hatred.

Tuesday, June 21, 2022

We Almost Never Make Mistakes

Incredibly unusually, a police error has apparently killed someone without melanin being a factor. A man arrested for stealing sausage rolls was identified as a paedophile on his release papers, and was subsequently driven to suicide by the righteous demonstrations of his virtuous neighbours. Incredibly unusually, police visits to the home of the victim do not appear to have pacified the lynch mob. Cleveland police pleaded "genuine human error," presumably as opposed to the fraudulent human error deployed by the genuinely negligent. An investigation by the Independent Office for Police Conduct concluded that it was incredibly unusual.

Monday, June 20, 2022

Law and Ordure

Presumably in an effort to dispel any impression that laws are just for the little people, Her Majesty's Government has been directing that some laws should not be enforced, only for the levelling-up to be thwarted by vexatious legalistic elements. All pettifogging rules and regulations are due to be gloriously overturned in a scramble to purge the statute book of legislation tainted by Europeanism, and as a preliminary the Department for Effluent, Fracking and Rees-Mogg Agriculture ordered the Environment Agency not to enforce the rules against farmers polluting rivers with manure. Blatantly defying patriotic standards of hygiene, a campaign group threatened a judicial review, on the archaic grounds that governments are legally bound to enforce their own laws. Having shrugged off the challenge as without merit, Defra then changed its guidance, since few things are more persuasive to Her Majesty's Government than a meritless case.