The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Our Values Defended

Britain's capacity to assist in global genocide, even with the permission of the World Cop, has been called into question by a second failure of the Trident wog correction system. On the previous occasion, in accordance with the general efficiency of Tumbledown Tessie's administration, a missile was aimed at Africa but headed towards the USA instead; this time, in accordance with the triumphant achievements of Fishy Rishi's administration, the rampant symbol of British potency suffered an embarrassing deflation and flopped immediately into the sea. Prompted to openness and accountability by a report in the Murdoch scumbag press, the Ministry for Wog-Bombing blamed the specifics of the event; apparently these amounted to the presence of Michael Green and some associates, which is indeed an eminently reliable forerunner of fiasco. Naturally, mere experts were quick to interpose their usual ivory-tower anti-patriotism: one even went so far as to proclaim that the point of spending hundreds of billions on a programme is, of all things, that the said programme should function. Where's the Britishness in that?

Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Grown-up Diplomacy

Among the primary motivations of Team Starmer, preserving the unity of the Party ranks nearly as high as factional hatred and pleasing the Rothermere Daily Stürmer; hence the latest revision of the official line on the Righteous State's rampage in Gaza. Having admitted that Israel's right to inflict collective punishment in defence of its illegal occupation is perhaps not altogether absolute, Team Starmer moved rapidly to support a sustainable ceasefire, viz. one in which the Palestinians had no right of resistance against the illegal occupation. Now, faced with another possible rebellion in the House of Expenses Claimants over a motion proposed by the hated SNP, Team Starmer has proposed an amendment in favour of a humanitarian ceasefire, namely one in which the Palestinians have no right of resistance against the illegal occupation. In addition, Team Starmer has conceded that such a ceasefire should be immediate, which had proved something of a sticking-point until the butchery reached its present moral heights; and also politely requests the Righteous State not to assault Rafah just yet and for illegal settlements to be carried out in a less noisy fashion than hitherto. It would be a depraved and antisemitic sensibility indeed which could respond with ingratitude to that.

Monday, February 19, 2024

The Naming of Cats is a Difficult Matter

Religious sensibles in the Indian state of West Bengal have petitioned to forestall the horrid risk of syncretism among the larger Felidae. A zoo lion named after the Hindu deity Rama was moved from the neighbouring state and renamed after the Mughal emperor Akbar; worse yet, there is now the perilous possibility that a lioness who retains her own Hindu name may be forced to share an enclosure with this polluted creature. Besides proclaiming its concern that permitting such impropriety would amount to blasphemy and a direct assault on the beliefs of all Hindus, the nationalist organisation Vishwa Hindu Parishad has called for a precautionary ban on naming animals after religious figures, because the sensibilities of people who regard leonine nomenclaturial miscegenation as a direct assault must clearly be very sensible indeed.

Sunday, February 18, 2024

Imagine a Boot Stamping on Human Taste Forever

In a cultural move whose impact looks set to rival the Freedom Fries of the Bush chimpanzee administration, the Trumpster and his hydrophobic head-tribble have launched Never Surrender High-Tops: a shiny gold shoe complete with Murcan flag on the back. The brand was sneaked out at the Greatest Sneaker Show on Earth in Philadelphia, where apparently boos and intoxicating substances served to remind the nation that the swamp still needs some draining; and the objects themselves are being marketed through a website which also hawks the bottled odour of Victory47, forty-seven being the number of the projected second tribble/Trumpster presidency. The website disclaims all connection to the tangerine team's campaign, having presumably been set up from motives of pure and disinterested entrepreneurialism. Whether the proceeds will be sufficient to keep the Trumpster clan in gold-plated elevators through the present legal difficulties remains to be seen.

Saturday, February 17, 2024

Our Civilising Influence

However lukewarm its recent comments about the master race's wog transportation initiative, the Rwandan government has provided an admirable demonstration of respect for British values by kicking out an ungrateful foreigner. A Congolese footballer in Kigali celebrated a goal with a gesture in solidarity with victims of the ongoing if comfortingly under-reported mess in the Democratic Republic of the Congo; evidently he intended some primitive emulation of the depraved American practice of taking the knee to condone Caucasian genocide. Within a week, and with an efficiency before which the Home Office of His Majesty's Government can only whimper and ooze bodily fluids, the miscreant received a six-month suspension, the severance of his contract and a deportation order. Further moral progress is apparent in Rwanda's arming and training of one of the more enterprising militias now spreading safety in the Democratic Republic itself.

Friday, February 16, 2024

To a Free Press

Navalny's gone to meet his fate
By process of a gangster state;
And so it might be indiscreet
The name Assange now to repeat.

Samuel Grimsnipe

Thursday, February 15, 2024

Net Minus Three

Since His Majesty's Government's recent relaxation of the planning restrictions on windfarms was as grudging, belated and incomplete as a standard expression of regret for any offence caused, the results thus far appear to be emanating a bracing miasma of Britishness. Seven applications were submitted in England during the whole of last year, and none of them were new proposals to generate for public use. This represents a decrease from the number of applications submitted in the previous year, when the glistening pink Head Boy's proto-Starmerite backtracking on the green crap in favour of full-on rah-rah for shale fracking (remember that?) was still in place. The only blight in the Britishness is the fact that almost fifty applications were made in Scotland, causing at least one metropolitan élitist to lump that troubled province in with, of all places, the rest of Europe.

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

Signature Concerns

It is by no means usual for the Government of the United Kingdom to object to the nation's history being flogged off, or even destroyed altogether. Still, the present age is full of the unprecedented, and Downing Street has intervened to stop the sale at auction of a visitors' book containing the signatures of world leaders and John Major, which a civil servant apparently found among water-damaged boxes from a Whitehall basement. According to the auctioneer, the civil servant had permission to take the boxes, which were marked for incineration, but nevertheless contacted Downing Street twice offering to return the illustrious autographs. Since the first of these contacts took place during the régime of Tumbledown Tessie and the second during that of the National Johnson, the claim that he received no response appears eminently plausible. However, the present administration clearly felt bound to step in when he proposed to sell his find "due to ill health and the cost of living crisis," rather than for patriotic reasons such as tax breaks or personal donations to the Conservative Party.

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

Moral Leadership Again

With characteristic Bullingdon Club acuity, Britain's glistening pink Minister for Lesser Breeds has been wagging his chubby little finger at Israel's latest plan to breach international law, and has done so practically a whole day after his own government was found to be planning a breach of international law. A mere handful of decades into its illegal occupation, the Righteous State was duly warned against failing to fulfil its obligations; although the nature of the sanctions which would follow any unacceptable levels of collective punishment remains as yet unclear, especially as the continuing exaltation of Britain's moral stature requires that arms sales not be interrupted. Glistening pinkly, the Minister informed his fellow elevatees to the House of Crooks, Catamites and Corpses that he would personally be ordering the Heathen Chinee to pitch in and help free trade in the Red Sea, presumably by doing their bit towards wog-bombing the Houthis. A diplomatic initiative along such lines would at least have the advantage that the Heathen Chinee minister for guizi may be subtle enough not to snigger too loudly in response.

Monday, February 12, 2024

Democratic Disrepute

Certain incautious members of the House of Expenses Claimants are flirting with unelectedness by casting doubt upon the sovereign legitimacy of His Majesty's Government's wog transportation bill. Though voted into Parliament as instruments of the people's will, these rogue elements have inveigled themselves onto a committee which basks in the approval of neither their deserving constituents nor the local cadres of the Farage Falange, and which now has the temerity to proclaim that all the pluck and gumption of the master race cannot make a country legally safe even by enshrining the said safety in a statute of British law. The committee's so-called report takes its unpatriotism so far as to say that the disapplication of foreign laws would jeopardise the United Kingdom's hard-won reputation for the rule of law and human rights, despite that reputation's extending throughout Westminster and the British media and the head-chopping House of Saud.