Metropolitan Liberality

Yet further moral glory has accrued to the Metropolitan Firearms and Headbangers' Club, as yet another rotten apple has pleaded guilty to excessive entrepreneurialism in public office. The police constable stole from the wallet of a man who had collapsed and died in the street: an offence mitigated barely, if at all, by the victim's additional possession of a funny foreign name. A custodial sentence is likely, doubtless taking into account the officer's previous good character and the lack of such famous Metropolitan flourishes as rape, assault and culpable homicide. Presumably those patriots who shriek with righteous rage at every early release and at the luxurious régime in Britain's prisons will be watching with vigilance to ensure that the punitive aspect is not neglected.

Shocked and Appalled

Recent earth-shattering events in Clacton, where the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange was elected to the House of Expenses Claimants on only his umpty-whateverth attempt, have been equalled if not surpassed by claims that the very same strutting Caudillo may have said the thing that is not. A former blue-shirt, who was unceremoniously shoved aside to make room for the Caudillo to come belching home, now says that he is owed £8500 in campaign expenses and that the Caudillo himself seems not to take seriously enough the ethical implications of shaking hands with a minion. The rejected swain has also noticed that the Falange contains an aggressive, fascistic element whose presence risks compromising the democratic civility for which Wogs Out plc is universally renowned. It has clearly been a most disillusioning experience; although since the ex-candidate has no background in the media it has penetrated a bit more promptly than British journalism's recognition of the National Johnson's disreputable side after only half a century of clues.

Moral Moderation

Even the saints are not altogether perfect, and according to newly declassified documents the Blessed Tony himself once came dangerously close to antisemitism as currently defined by the Labour Party leadership. In response to a rampage in the West Bank in 2002. the British ambassador proclaimed that a few rotten apples among the forces of the Righteous State were acting more like the beastly Russians than like worthy fellow-crusaders of those soon to civilise Afghanistan and Iraq. Fortunately for the Blessed Tony's heavenly name, these concerns were shared, and thus redeemed from the taint of the Holocaust, by the White House and its resident chimpanzee, who feared that the Israeli campaign would undermine the World Cop's own Arab-killing potential. Further safeguarding the Blessed Tony's moral exaltation is the fact that other newly-released papers show his administration considering the use of a permanent prime ministerial campaign battlebus, thereby demonstrating once more his quasi-divine capacity for prioritising electoral pragmatism. Accordingly, it seems as yet unlikely that the Blessed Tony stands in any great peril of being expelled from the Party.

He Has Sounded Forth the Trumpster That Shall Never Call Retreat

One of the Trumpster's allies has proven himself unworthy of service to the head-tribble by expressing regret over some inflammatory remarks at a Republican rah-and-blah. Addressing the cadres in Middletown, Ohio, where the unpleasant mediocrity that is the Trumpster's deterrent to future assassins attended high school, a state senator proclaimed that "if we lose this one, it’s going to take a civil war to save the country, and it will be saved." It remains as yet unclear whether the senator's own education was sufficiently Murcan as to omit the deplorable consequences of the last civil war, notably the triumph of woke attitudes to slavery and the decidedly uncivil labelling of entrepreneurial go-getters as "carpetbaggers;" but he later invoked the recent assassination attempt on the Trumpster as a reason to be mindful. Neither the Trumpster nor his head-tribble is likely to be impressed with such backsliding, especially if it should become necessary to save the country from a Harris presidency by repealing the Thirteenth Amendment.

Worth Every Penny

The squeaking, scrabbling sackful that is the contest for control of the Maily Toryguff has acquired yet another game little rodent. Former chancellor (however briefly) and blithe breacher of ministerial codes Nadhim Zahawi participated in the mass rodentine maritime evacuation exercise that preceded the general election (his seat went to the Liberal Democrats) and has now gone begging-bowl in hand for a few hundred million with which to acquire the squealing far-right rag and its grunting sty-mate the Spectator. Zahawi is chums with the Barclay family, whose prepossessing scions on Sark originally ran the Toryguff into the ground, and was apparently expecting to toddle into the chairmanship of the media group under the auspices of the United Arab Emirates before being stabbed in the back by the Fishy Rishi administration's announcement of laws against UK newspaper assets being owned by foreigners other than Supreme Leader Murdoch. It is certainly to be hoped that Zahawi will be able to carry out his cureent bid without being driven to mortgage his taxpayer-warmed stables.

Big Wind, Small Change

Not content with implying that the Atlantic slave trade was something Britain perpetrated as well as abolished, several Caribbean governments have requested, of all things, help in repairing the hurricane damage which regularly afflicts their countries. Acting on the working-class Christian values which he shares with the Trumpster's running mate, the Foreign Secretary has pledged the cost of a few corporate lunches to tide matters over until the next disaster; but the Caribbean governments have once again failed to respond with appropriate gratitude, and have even numbered Britain among the "major emitters" most responsible for the climate catastrophe. Apparently news has yet to reach the Caribbean concerning Britain's world-beating record in the battle against global heating, which extends to permitting oil companies to sponsor national museums and thereby cleanse themselves of sin.

They Don't Fight Fair

There is wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Righteous State this day, as a drone has struck Tel Aviv and caused one death and at least ten injuries among real people. Although such casualty figures are appreciably below what can be expected from a normal day's peace-keeping in Lebanon, let alone Palestine, the Righteous State's fragile sense of security has been understandably shaken. Launched by the beastly Houthi, who are notorious for opposing the head-chopping House of Saud's rampage in Yemen, and manufactured by the mad mullahs of Iran, who are notorious for just about everything, the drone apparently passed over much of the divinely-granted Zionist real estate entirely unmolested by the Righteous Air Defence. It is possible that the forces of evil have misappropriated the British strategy of clearly labelling weapons TO BE USED FOR LEGAL AND HUMANITARIAN PURPOSES ONLY, thereby cunningly enabling the drone to pass for a virtuous one.

Normal Service Will Be Resumed

We're sorry for this outage
That caused you such delay;
We'll use all proper cloutage
To speed you on your way.

Our corporate survival
Is now the markets' call:
You can't switch to a rival,
Because we ate them all.

We're very deeply sorry
Our product went this way;
But there's no cause for worry,
Since you'll still have to pay.

Cyrus B Crasher

Makes It All Worth While

Having lived an apparently long and unadventurous life in the Jurassic, the largest stegosaur to leave its fossil to the Anthropocene has at last reached the apex of its existence by becoming a commodity. The head of profitable science at Sotheby's proclaimed that the $44.6 million sale to a private buyer underscores the unwavering commitment of salespersons to preserving priceless scientific finds by putting a price on them. The buyer, who apparently intends exploring the possibility of loaning the specimen to an institution, emphasised its contemporary virtues by observing that the animal "was born in America and is going to stay in America" - any nonsense about its having been born in Laurasia instead being contrary to the Bible, democracy and common sense. Though unavailable for comment, the specimen itself is among the most complete ever discovered, and showed evidence of rheumatoid arthritis but no signs of violence and, other than the paperwork at Sotheby's, no evidence of postmortem scavenging.

Weak Case

An official briefing document for the king's speech has been edited to expunge a claim that the Truss mini-budget was somehow disastrous. La Truss was so exercised by this characterisation of her blip at the top that she took time out from courting the Trumpster and his head-tribble to lecture the cabinet secretary on the proprieties. La Truss urged "suitable admonishment" for the forces of woke metropolitan civil service blobness which somehow detected disaster in a fiscal policy which tanked the markets and led to the sacking of the chancellor and the resignation of La Truss herself after seven weeks in office. Apparently the regrettable events which followed the mini-budget were all someone else's fault, and any disaster lay not in the policy itself but merely in the immediate and wholly foreseeable consequences of that policy, and things might have been very different if only things had been different. Naturally, rather than dismissing the complaint with the snigger it deserves, the cabinet secretary boldly caved in. Pledged as Team Starmer may be to eschew the siren song of populist snake-oil while fixing what is under the bonnet of Britain's maxed-out credit card, its commitment to the itsy-bitsy feelings of the far right evidently remains as unerring as ever.