Still Not Getting It

On the eighth anniversary of the Grenfell Tower fire, a statement from the survivors' campaign group wonders what it says about the country's values that those who facilitated the disaster are still carrying on profitable careers in the housing sector. Given how many of those responsible for the Iraq débâcle have stood trial at the Hague, and the quantity of sackcloth and ashes that characterised Cressida Dick's career after the assassination and posthumous slander of Jean Charles de Menezes, and the moral fibre and sense of honour which our lords and masters displayed over Aberfan, it is remarkable that the question should need asking. The country's values are for the benefit of the right sort of people; if the lower orders wish to avoid unsafe accommodation, they can render up their humble thanks for Team Starmer's plans to repeal the Vagrancy Act.

Slightly Less Assisted Escalation

So irritated is His Majesty's Government by Israel's excessive self-defence against the Palestinian Untermenschen that Team Starmer has denied providing military assistance in the Righteous State's latest assault on Iran. Nor has the RAF thus far been assigned to pacify the Great Satan's unprovoked and antisemitic retaliation, despite the free world having been forty-five minutes from nuclear doom since approximately the turn of the century. Instead the usual restraint on both sides has been called for, whereby Israel stops short of deploying its nuclear arsenal while Iran stops short of developing a deterrent. Doubtless the effect will be as salutary as ever.

Turncoats Need Not Apply

Ever since the greatest armed services in the world yet again fled Afghanistan with their tails between their legs, a priority of His Majesty's Government has been to prevent those who collaborated with the forces of Western civilisation from getting any strange foreign ideas about a lasting and mutually fulfilling relationship. Like the Conservatives, the present administration will condescend to spare an occasional activist the Taliban's tender mercies provided the activist can get their case into the national press; but Team Starmer's Ministry for Wog Control has radically increased the rate of refusal for asylum seekers from Afghanistan so as to ensure that British jobs remain open to British workers. Fortunately, Team Starmer has displayed no particular inclination to repair the vandalism wrought upon the legal system by the Conservatives and their Liberal Democrat accomplices, so there is every chance that this particular example of British fair play will continue unabated into our glorious future.

Careless Talk Costs Little

Although ethnic cleansing, collective punishment, induced starvation and deprivation of aid to the Palestinian Untermenschen remain perfectly acceptable to His Majesty's Government, two far-right ministers in the otherwise moderate and sensible Netanyahoo administration have been indiscreet enough to incite such measures rather than merely having them carried out. Sanctions have therefore been imposed by five countries including the UK, though only upon the ministers as individuals and not by any means in their capacity as actual war criminals. Such daring diplomacy is consistent with Team Starmer's policy towards Britain's domestic far right, which consists of tutting along sympathetically with the general attitude while affecting pearl-clutching moral horror at some of the further reaches of rhetoric; and thus far it does not appear that the Righteous State will be significantly more grateful than the Farage Falange for this demonstration of tolerance and restraint.

Keeping Them Honest

In keeping with British fair play, the Department of Workfare and Privation is debating whether to penalise people who received compensation for the Church of Rome's attempts at moral improvement of fallen women. Recipients who are resident in the UK are liable for yet further moral improvement by being deprived of social security payments until their unearned wealth runs out. Exceptions have been allowed in other cases, notably that of the Windrush persecutions where the compensation process has been made difficult enough to keep pay-outs to a prudent minumum; and a campaign is under way in favour of a similar arrangement in this case. Of course British fair play wouldn't be British without a strong moral component, so there is no hint of a suggestion that recipients of compensation should not as a rule be deprived of social security until they are poor enough to claim the DWP's pittance.

Fox Pass

A corporate greenscape intended to feature acceptable wildlife has suffered an unwarranted incursion of wildlife. The Google garden in King's Cross is designed to allow bees, bats, birds and butterflies a haven in which to observe the destroyers of their species feeding and frolicking between profits; but it seems that London's foxes have also managed to find a way in. There is even a possibility that they are hunting rats, which is something of a faux pas in any corporate environment, let alone one in which the CEO of Team Starmer has been known to drop by for a non-alcoholic Pimm's.

Flailing for the Veiling

Having nothing more significant to worry about, the stop-gap in nominal charge of the other Farage Falange Wannabe Party has made an ungainly lurch for relevance by parroting the Islamophobic wibbles of a Blairite wog-bomber from twenty years ago. As the glories mounted up in Iraq and Afghanistan, the sometime Home Secretary and Foreign Secretary noted his discomfort at talking to women in burqas and squealed about the intolerable trauma he apparently suffered in requesting them to unveil. Now his spiritual successor has proclaimed women's right to wear whatever they like provided it isn't a burqa; apparently on the grounds that no woman would wear a burqa anyway except at the command of her husband or whatever sharia court happens to be terrorising her Christian no-go area of residence. In defence of British democracy, all women in North West Essex who persist in their insidious headgear are liable to be denied access to their parliamentary expenses claimant; although just how many burqa-wearing ladies in that fortunate constituency are queueing up to take their troubles to Kemi Badenoch still remains a matter for speculation.

Adapt or Die

It is of course well known that if a face causes inconvenience one can always cut off the nose; and the principle can be as happily applied to wildlife conservation as to personal relationships or international politics. Mindful that the global religion prohibits any effective restoration of habitats and populations, a team of researchers has determined that rhinocerous poaching can be effectively reduced by amputating that part of the animal from which the poachers derive their profit. Besides being less attractive to poachers, dehorned rhinos are also less aggressive and less mobile, thus leaving all the more scope for a more economically sustainable approach to their territorial rights. Whether the same researchers advocate defeating the ivory trade by sawing the tusks off all the wild elephants, or reducing human sex-crimes via universal and compulsory genital mutilation, remains as yet unclear.

Britain Beats the Care Glut

Squillions of foreign care workers who invaded during the pandemic, and who received the kind of treatment one would expect from the government of the National Johnson, have cunningly omitted to inform Team Starmer exactly how swimmingly their lives have gone since then. Owing to this malign taciturnity, His Majesty's Government has been tragically denied a true picture of its doubtless spectacular success in matching the said workers with bona fide employers; although Team Starmer does take due pride in the fact that in the intervening four years some three and a half per cent of eligible beneficiaries may have learned how to prepare a CV. Meanwhile the care market has a shortfall of over a hundred and thirty thousand useful idiots, which Team Starmer is determined to resolve, along with virtually everything else, by cracking down on immigration.

The Moon is a Harsh Market

Another attempt at a lunar landing by a commercial company has failed, despite a quirky payload and the universally acknowledged superiority in all things of private enterprise over Big Guvmint waste and inefficiency. Amid grandiose talk of colonising the moon within a decade or two, the unfortunately named Resilience robot appears to have succumbed to one or more present-day inconveniences. The setback comes mere months after two Texan settlers fell over on arrival, presumably for lack of space nigrahs on which to support themselves; and only two years after Resilience's own corporate predecessor came to archetypal capitalistic grief by believing itself on solid ground when it was actually in free-fall.