Very Gradual Reform

Western moral tutelage appears to be reaping the usual dividends among Britain's favourite fundamentalist head.choppers. Six years ago the House of Saud decreed that people would not be executed for crimes committed before reaching the age of majority, no matter how much trouble had been taken in beating confessions out of them. Under the current crown prince there has been a large increase in the number of executions generally, and the moratorium on child offenders has been upheld about as religiously as the House of Saud upholds most human rights. Thanks to the current crown prince's enthusiasm for wog-bombing the right sort of terrorist, the West's response has been to laud him as a reformer.

Britain Deserves Punctual Slaves

Slavery and human trafficking are vocally disapproved of by His Majesty's Government, but worse is the sin of treating wealthy and powerful criminals as if the law applied to them. Hence the new immigration and asylum bill looks set to contain all the British decency one would expect, with all appropriate safeguards to protect His Majesty's Government against any obligation to prosecute. Victims will be required to come forward within a specified time-frame, and to keep their story straight without allowing it to resemble anyone else's story, on pain of being disbelieved and chastised by the Ministry for Domestic Robustitude. The resemblance clause in particular is an exemplary stroke of prudence, as it will help to reduce what a spokesbeing called improper use of the system; or in Standard English, to reduce the prospect of any action being taken against the most prolific and best organised abusers, who are also the ones most likely to number Ministers of the Crown among their business interests.

Let's Keep Things Civilised

It's a sad state of affairs when not even public executions are likely to help a US president's prospects in the mid-terms; but it seems the Trumpster and his head-tribble have been forced to that regrettable conclusion. The greased and tattooed Secretary for War has been overruled, and the corrective perforation of a paraplegic Muslim-monickered mass murderer will proceed without an option for viewing by the general populace. Since the Trumpster and his head-tribble have no plans to improve the lives of their subjects in any meaningful fashion, it was thought that live-streaming the happy event would deter other terrorists, in ways that drone-bombing, kidnapping and the Persian Crusade, among other enlightening measures, have somehow failed to do. It is to be hoped that the fanatical fiends will at least be given pause by the idea that revenge killing becomes less barbaric when witnessed by fewer people.

It's In Their Genes

Given that Britain still hasn't worked out what kind of relationship it requires of the beastly Euro-wogs, it should come as no surprise that the master race is also a bit vague in its dealings with the Heathen Chinee. A report by an international gaggle of legislators noted that China is "an inherently (sic) hostile authoritarian state that does not share our values" - this sentence being underlined, although whether in green or purple ink remains unclear. The report has therefore received the clear-eyed commendation of little Tommy Tugendhat, who even in the intellectual chandelier that is the British hard right was never the brightest bulb. Quite aside from their refusal to knuckle under on the question of what constitutes an acceptable human rights violation, it is certainly true that the inherent hostiles don't share our values on climate change: the Chinese think adaptations should be made as rapidly and effectively as possible, while the British are still arguing over whether anything should be done at all. Nevertheless, in spite of its yellow-peril squealing the report does manage to suggest that His Majesty's Government might consider employing an expert or two, provided any can be found who have lived amomg the inherent hostiles and learned to speak the language without going native; so there seems little danger that the Ministry for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets will take much notice.

Gunboat Something-or-Other

It isn't often that the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange gets to play the voice of moderation, and he has seized his current chance with all the slippery strength of his perspiring little paws. His underling the former Minister for Richard Desmond had waved the wog-baiting willy with perhaps a trifle too much gusto, proclaiming that a Falange régime would send in the Marines to apply all necessary lethal force against the migrant hordes. In response the Minister for Wog-Bombing and Refugee Creation proclaimed such an attitude contrary to British values and worthy only of lesser breeds, and protested tautologicaly that Britain does not take military action against civilians: being on the wrong side of British military action vitiates civilian status as automatically as being on the right side of the Conservative Party guarantees a shadow ministry in the Falange. The strutting Caudillo was moved to clarify that force would only be used if Britain's plucky little servicepersons were fired upon by lowlife scum; although it remains as yet unclear how many of the small boats crossing the Channel are equipped with cannon, or how many armed assaults have taken place other than by the dinghy-stabbing martyr of the Dover and Portsmouth Blackshirts, or how many actual gangsters and people-smugglers are so suffused with British values as to risk their own lives along with those of their victims.

Someone Else's Fault

Apparently there are countries which attempt to influence the politics of other countries in order to serve their own interests. What a wicked world it is, to be sure. Like those opponents of the Trumpster who blame his activities on Tsar Vladimir rather than on the diarrhoeic defecations of his rabid radioactive head-tribble, the Prime Minister has implied that the great British public would require outside interference before ever voting racist and stupid. In keeping with the principles of doublethink (the enemy is about to overwhelm us; the enemy is clownishly incompetent), there has been some hasty rowing back on the idea that Russian interference has had any significant effect; which indicates that the revelation has less to do with the national imperative of war within five years and more to do with demonstrating to the Home Front that Labour isn't soft on official enemies. In any case, it will no doubt be refreshing to see Brexiteer visages mottled in newly apoplectic shades of purple at the idea that they've been stooges for a menace from the East; and it is certainly a triumph of Britishness to ponder an act of xenophobic idiocy for slightly more than a decade and then blame the beastly foreigns.

Deny Yourself

Christian nationalists don't go to church much, which may possibly help to explain why the church named after the greatest country in the world has thus far omitted to endorse them. Researchers into the desperately relevant issue of "Christianity and Britishness" have discovered, mirabile dictu, that Christians who are hostile to Islam and immigration tend not to agree that their values require welcoming the foreigner. It appears that such people are merely invoking the name of Jesus to further their own agenda: something no genuine Christian would ever do, as may be seen from that famous moral unanimity which has characterised and sustained the true faith these past millennia.

Those commenting on the report displayed the customary degree of moral and historical honesty: "You don’t choose who you’re sitting next to in the pew, you don’t choose who’s next to you in the communion rail," said one. "It becomes a bit more human and more humane." Well, you probably also don't choose which Blackshirt is next to you on the barricade; but humane or not, in either case one chooses to be with the saved in-group and not the damned Other. "The church is and has been since its inception a multi-ethnic, multinational group, and may not rightly be equated with any nationality or ethnicity," proclaimed someone else. Unless Jesus doesn't count, the church at its inception consisted entirely of Jews.

Worthy Opponents

As the verdict looms regarding the strutting Caudillo and one of his smaller billionaire bungs, at least two frėres et semblables of the Farage Falange are making noises about the possible second by-election in Clacton. In the wake of the conference season, some parties are perhaps a little distracted by their own affairs: the ex-Deputy Conservatives are worried whether Sir Edward Davey has been falling into enough canals lately, while Labour and the Greens are in the throes of forming a coalition to frame Zack Polanski as the new Jeremy Coebbels. Nevertheless, both the violet-visaged gentleman farmer Rupert of Yarmouth and the mugger-lode for the Falange front bench are readying themselves for a closely-fought contest against the man who enabled Count Binface to retain his deposit.

Fiddling Digits

Remarkably enough, the party that brought us the chancellorships of George Osborne, Kwasi Kwarteng, Nadhim Zahawi and Fishy Rishi seems to be having trouble with its figures. The Conservatives' conference hymnal, a hundred-page screed touted as a precise diagnosis of the country's problems, cites the Climate Change Committee estimate for the cost of net zero at twice the actual number. Apparently someone double-counted a spreadsheet entry, perhaps under the impression that they were filing an expenses claim or estimating the daily income of an asylum seeker. Doubtless it was the kind of honest mistake that can happen even in such intellectually rigorous environments as the Conservative Party; and besides, in those exalted realms the climate is hardly a major issue.

Prudent Peace

We have the word of the Trumpster and his head-tribble, for whatever that word may be worth, that no major new war crimes will be perpetrated against Iran before next month's mid-term elections. Beyond the need to boost the monarchy's vote by re-declaring victory again, the market strategy of wog-bombing the mad mullahs must yield to the military necessity of controlling domestic dissent; so troops and equipment are being brought home for the moment. Once the home front has been appropriately incentivised, motivoted and securitivated, all options remain open for re-unpausing the Persian Crusade in time to celebrate the arrival of Baby Jesus during the subsequent Shoppingmas season.