Dyed-in-the-Fuel Nastiness

Even as the benefits of liberation from the Strasbrussels yoke obtrude themselves more clearly with every passing opportunity, the beastly Euro-wogs cannot forbear from revenging themselves upon our robust British prosperity. The European Court of Justice has fined the UK slightly less than the cost of a September mini-budget for infringing some petty rules on fuel in yachts. A ban on red diesel in pleasure craft was introduced in 2018, but the UK had lots of more important things to do during the subsequent two years than bother with mere laws, and argued that the rule is only valid in Northern Ireland, where EU rules still apply to the colony's copious endowment of private yachts. With typical legalistic vindictiveness, rather than accepting British sovereignty over international law the ECJ has decided to treat the United Kingdom as if it were a united kingdom. How far the gratuitous assault on vulnerable yacht-owners will affect the Orangemen's Regatta and other highlights of the maritime calendar remains as yet unclear.

Fantastic Incredibility of Democratic Multiculturality

Fishy Rishi has refrained from echoing his successor's Conservative Party leadership campaign speech which, following the Brexiteer tradition of fighting internal wars mainly by shouting at foreigners, she delivered to a far-right thick-tank in the United States. Distancing himself from the rule-breaking loose cannon whom he appointed through no fault of his own, Fishy Rishi praised the fantastic multicultural democracy which enables a squillionare-by-marriage to take on the job of prime minister with no mandate from the country and then rip up the manifesto on which his party attained its parliamentary majority. Fishy Rishi countered his successor's criticism of those too cowardly to be thought racist with the boast that he and his fellow genuine citizens have done an incredible job integrating people into the monolithic value system of entrepreneurial gumption that is the true glory of Britishness. Doubtless Fishy Rishi's patriotic sentiments are shared, with all due moderation of sensibility, by the two lying, poor-bashing, migrant-kicking white males knighted by the Conservative Party who constitute our fantastic multicultural democracy's main electoral choices beyond the lying, poor-bashing, migrant-kicking Conservative Party.

Natational Johnson

Not content with having defied the laws of country, veracity and decency, the former National Johnson has now taken it upon himself to violate Bertie Wooster's dictum that sex and newts should be mutually exclusive passions. The Johnson, who lives in Oxfordshire with a comparatively recent wife and three of his acknowledged offspring, is trying to keep up with the Sunaks by installing a swimming pool, but has been hindered by the local authority's bureaucratic concern for a neighbouring population of great crested newts. Having previously fulminated against species less protected than himself, the Johnson has now pledged, in no less an organ of truth than the Rothermere Daily Stürmer, to do whatever it takes to protect the animals. Thanks to the Johnson's half-century of truth-telling and promise-keeping, that seems to be good enough for South Oxfordshire district council; so it is to be hoped that the newts will not be excessively traumatised by the prospect.

Union Dues

One of those bits of our great united kingdom that isn't quite as equal as London is hooting and skirling with nationalist rage at some official rah-rah which implies that the Beano comics characters Dennis the Menace and Gnasher were created in London. In fact Dennis was created by an Edinburgh artist and published in Dundee, leading to accusations of the most blatant act of cultural plundering since India's wealth was last ceremonially plonked onto a royal British cranium. A spokesbeing defended the advertisement by explaining that it referred only to the animated series featuring the characters, which is made in London and thereby certifies the Beano as a great British success and enables it to bask in the capital's reflected glory. Besides, no true expression of modern British patriotism would be so crass and vulgar as to refer to something people might read.

Bad Etymology

Horizon, n. the boundary where sky and surface appear to meet; from Anglo-Norman oreison prayer, hence an illusory contact between heaven and earth.

Subject, n. from Latin sub under and iactare to throw: a citizen who can legitimately be cast down.

Simple Business

However favourably it may resonate with the hotly-contested far-right dimwit vote which both major parties are pursuing with such laser-focused assiduity, Fishy Rishi's dumping of environmental safeguards has lost him the backing of the septuagenarian founder of a defunct mobile phone company. The squillionaire donated some lunch money to the National Johnson's campaign four years ago, presumably because his entrepreneurial pragmatism led him to believe that the National Johnson was a chap to be relied upon; today he is denouncing Fishy Rishi in the Sunday Murdoch and threatening to buy shares in Team Starmer instead. "Would I switch to Labour?" he said. "The answer to that is very simple: I will support any party that I believe will do the right thing for Britain going forward," which certainly sounds like the sort of policy statement to which Team Starmer could potentially consider itself as more or less assenting without too much excess of unprofitable qualification.

Help Freeze Britain's Floating Canal Cancer

His Majesty's Government and Loyal Opposition have no particular problem with green crap, provided only that it emerges from the bowels of our Mother of Parliaments in an appropriately British fashion. Moisture provision profiteers are allowed to turn rivers into sewers while the little people receive finger-wagging lectures about spending too long in the shower; fossil fuel corporations are handed an indefinite licence to pollute while the great British voter frets about the fictitious costs of low-emission traffic zones: such is the stuff of leadership. Even more world-beating in its potential is the Environment Act of 2021, which provides for on-the-spot fines of up to £300 for emitting visible wood smoke. Since most councils lack the resources to carry out continual and effective chimney surveillance, local authorities will have to rely on denunciations from public-spirited curtain-twitchers, thereby declaring open season on anyone who lives on a boat. Hard-working families with log burners, whose contribution to atmospheric poisoning has doubled in the past ten years, will be scrambling to cleanse their community waterways of filthy floating gypsies. Among the many great glories of British pragmatism, co-opting the woke tree-hugging agenda for the traditional purpose of traveller-bashing must surely have an honourable place.

Too Hot a Take

Displaying its customary treachery, the Office for National Statistics has attempted to undermine the bipartisan consensus on rowing back the green crap with a tactlessly timed release of mere facts about the impact of the climate emergency. Heat-related deaths are on the increase, with over 4500 expendables succumbing in England last year, which was the UK's most baskable since records began; and over seventeen thousand in the last seven years. Of course this lying down on the job is deeply inconsiderate and un-British at a time when both Team Starmer and its policymakers in Downing Street are doing their mutual utmost to lighten the burden of hard-working fossil fuel corporations. On the bright side, more people are still dying from cold than from the heatwaves, doubtless thanks in part to the Government's pragmatism over fuel poverty; but the ONS clearly has much to learn about flagging up data in an appropriately patriotic manner.

Dynamic Realignment Through Managerial Inertia

A suitful of tepid corned beef has announced a non-change in Team Starmer's European non-policy from the other side of the globe, prompting some in his own party to marvel at his forensic temerity. The parliamentary wing of the Farage Falange was in no doubt: routine protestations that Team Starmer regards with loathing and horror the idea of rejoining the customs union or single market drew squeals of patriotic indignation from the Minister for Wogs and Misnomer and from Jeremy C Hunt, both of whom raised the apocalyptic possibility that a Labour government would undermine Global Britain's glorious epoch of rule-taking and red tape. Nevertheless, it remains eminently apparent that Team Starmer in office would not want to diverge from EU rules and would almost certainly do so only in the event of a more or less pragmatic political expediency such as winning over yet more of the kind of voter who thinks Nadine Dorries a better bet than Sadiq Khan.

Comic-Book Villains

Notwithstanding its intimate linkage with long-standing Christian tradition, the Holocaust did have its disadvantages, some of which persist unto this day. The God-fearing state of Texas has done its part against the moral rot by sacking a teacher who showed thirteen- and fourteen-year-olds a comic-book adaptation of Anne Frank's diary, which includes details of her sexual curiosity that her father excised from the original 1947 publication. The adaptation has previously fallen foul of moral guardians in the God-fearing state of Florida, where a charmingly misnamed gaggle of harridans called Moms for Liberty preached that the accurate representation of what Anne Frank originally wrote constitutes a distortion of history. It is one thing to teach that some Jews were killed (the gays and the gipsies, let alone the commies, are generally considered unworthy of mention even outside the God-fearing state of Texas), but to imply that the Holocaust failed to prevent sexual self-exploration in teenagers is clearly a little too harsh.