The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, February 03, 2023

It Shouldn't Be A Holiday For Them

Apparently the ignorant, the impoverished and the bombed are guilty of a hideous misunderstanding of the spirit of Dunkirk. There can be no other explanation for the afct that, even so long after taking back control of her plucky little borders, Britain continues to stand in perpetual peril of being swamped by invading small boats. Hence the perennial problem of wog warehousing has once again reared its inconvenient head. Although present accommodation in hotels has the advantage of creating business opportunities for entrepreneurial child-traffickers, the Ministry for Wog Disposal is seeking alternatives, amid fears that present expenses will cut into our democracy's electoral tax cuts. Now plans to level up Merseyside by storing asylum seekers at a local holiday resort have apparently been abandoned, although a new and potentially final solution may perhaps be in sight. Ministry officials will be holding a mini-competition in June, following which companies will be invited to design, build or renovate economically viable camps. Those with appropriate numbers of Party donors among their shareholders will doubtless meet the challenge with due concentration.

Thursday, February 02, 2023

Cleverly Slanted

Britain's Misnomer for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets has put yet another uppity foreigner in their place. His Australian counterpart, who has carelessly allowed her British heritage to become tainted with Heathen Chinee, was indiscreet enough to mention the colonial exploitation of Chinese workers, which Mr Churchill once defended with such famous terminological exactitude. The Misnomer shrugged off the matter with his usual sledgehammer tact, proclaiming to a press conference that the Conservative Party now promotes ethnic minorities to the highest offices of state, and that therefore the master race will take no lectures from the different-but-equal. Some may recall how the Soviet Communist Party stopped falsifying history the moment the Georgians Dzhugashvili and Beria were permitted to take charge in Russia; but it seems doubtful that such historical analogies are equal to Cleverly's powers of cognition. More likely his remarks, as usual in the past three or four administrations, were not addressed to their ostensible audience at all, but to the domestic rabble of back-bench baboons who might at any moment gang up to kick him off the gravy train. If nothing else, Cleverly's bragging about the coloureds in the Cabinet shows that he subscribes unequivocally to the great Conservative axiom that policy is less important than parentage.

Wednesday, February 01, 2023

Vexatious Litigation

Just as the natural party of racism and sexism is prepared to tolerate wogs, women and gays provided they are sufficiently greedy, thuggish, hypocritical and stupid, so the ideological prejudice against taxpayer-funded legal aid for workshy criminals tends to become a bit more nuanced when real people are in the dock. Being no longer in a position to trade government sinecures for cash loans, the National Johnson has been allocated nearly a quarter of a million in public funds, with the prospect of more, to defend himself against the charge of deliberately saying the thing that was not, as opposed to undergoing a timely lapse of memory, within the hallowed chamber of the House of Expenses Claimants. Fishy Rishi, whose lack of affinity for the kind of mugs who pay their taxes has been on edifying display more than once, proclaimed that there is a precedent for ex-ministers to receive handouts should their conduct as ministers come under legal scrutiny; which is no more than to say that a liar may also, on occasion, be a parasite. By way of demonstrating that he deserves another bung, the National Johnson has declared chickenfeed of two point three million from the cluck-for-bucks circuit and the final instalment of his trilogy on Churchill, Shakespeare and Boris Johnson; as well as the public money he receives in his purely nominal role as the representative of a parliamentary constituency.

Tuesday, January 31, 2023

We've All Done It

At a time when many revered British traditions are being eroded by the forces of woke remoaner treason, patriots will rejoice to learn that the fine old sport of Paki-bashing is alive and well in the House of Donors. Baron Ranger of Mayfair, whose Hindu background was doubtless a considerable help in negotiating the British caste system, bought himself a peerage some time ago and has since spent a healthy amount of time and energy fostering what passes for goodwill in the Conservative Party, by verbally abusing younger women and racially insulting Pakistanis. "We are a very hard working community, we are not in prison as much as the Pakistani community, we do not do grooming of young girls, we do not do drug pedalling," Ranger burbled on India Today, in the course of defending the authoritarian god-botherer Narendra Modi against an unflattering depiction in a BBC documentary. Indian viewers will be spared the film's outrages, as Modi's government has considerately censored it; but his Lordship, evidently feeling that a further calming influence was required, dashed off a screed to the BBC asking whether the documentary was the work of a Pakistani conspiracy. When the complaints began to pile up and the Party enforcers were getting ready to thank him for being brought to their attention, Ranger drew himself up and, in the courageously principled spirit of the National Johnson, caved in. He issued a proclamation withdrawing his comments completely; it seems his words were merely an overreaction to his not seeing the British Pakistani community in the way his words implied. In the heat of the moment, with emotions running high, it is of course all too easy to state repeatedly, in speech and in writing, the diametric opposite of one's own true beliefs.

Monday, January 30, 2023

Suffer the Little Blastocysts to Come Unto Me

Those whose idea of moral responsibility is to trust in Providence can hardly be expected to be paragons of planning. A mentally disabled fourteen-year-old in a Catholic country was impregnated by her uncle, who was presumably aware of the Vatican's powers of forgiveness in such cases. An aunt tried to help her obtain an abortion, but the treatment was refused at several hospitals where medical staff evidently believed that a merciful Deity had already ensouled the foetus. Eventually a women's rights group had to step in and arrange an abortion in Warsaw; and the Polish minister of health has declared himself appalled that legislation designed to remove women's rights has resulted in the removal of women's rights.

Sunday, January 29, 2023

Built on Sand

Two hypocrites and a eunuch are planning to enrich the Republic of South Sudan with their presence, amid signs that the local Christians are unlikely to welcome a bout of finger-wagging from their white and wealthy brothers: their elder brothers, in Dr Schweitzer's enlightening phrase. The head of the Anglican church in South Sudan has already been tactless enough to point out the lack of Biblical authority for tolerating homosexuality, even to the paltry extent now causing joy to gush forth from the Archbishop of Canterbury. Both Anglican and Roman churches are suffering decades of dupe-drain in Europe and the USA while retaining large memberships in Africa; so any prospect of schism would pose a serious moral and spiritual dilemma, given that African worshippers tend to have considerably less ready cash at their disposal.

Saturday, January 28, 2023

Is Plucky Little England the Next Formosa?

A spectre is haunting Global Britain - the spectre of international property investment. With a cunning so subtle as to rouse the suspicions of Iain Duncan Smith, the Heathen Chinee are purchasing parts of our island home, under the convoluted yet transparent pretext that the said parts happened to be for sale. As chair of the Inter-Parliamentary Alliance against the Yellow Peril, Duncan Nayland Smith has discovered that the Heathen Chinee have not only been purchasing things that sound important to him, but have disguised their sinister plans with the use of offshore companies. It is of course inconceivable to the patriotic mind how anyone could indulge in such sinister and sneaky Chinanegans unless they had in mind some inscrutably insidious ulterior motive.

Friday, January 27, 2023

Colour Me Surprised

With the notorious want of tact which characteristically distinguishes the uncouth foreign from the more refined sensibilities of a Boris Johnson, a Suella Braverman or an Eric Pickles, a team of spies for the United Nations has chosen the week in which the Ministry for Wog Control dumped various recommended post-Windrush safeguards to criticise the Government's thirteen-year assault on black Britons. While disproportionately affected by investment in the welfare state for the rich, people of African descent also suffer from systematic disadvantage in policing, housing, healthcare, education and, of course, from such pragmatic British decencies as the principle of guilt by association and the de facto criminalisatoin of rap music. Even the timely squeals of an expenses claimant about the forthcoming Who Won the Holocaust Anyway memorial do not appear to have swayed the UN assets from their demoralising purpose; and naturally they refrained from taking into account what black Britons can achieve provided they are as brilliant as James Cleverly, as public-spirited as Shaun Bailey or as honest as Kemi Badenoch.

Thursday, January 26, 2023

Oppressed and Afflicted

Repentance and atonement are to priests what laws and taxes are to politicians; which is to say, strictly for the little people. With its failure to protect the young from abuse and its protection of itself at the cost of the victims embarrassingly exposed, the Church of England has learned the expectable moral lesson: an official document by its national director of safeguarding accuses the Church's victims of abuse and bullying. It is no doubt un-Christian in a survivor of priestly fun and games to deny forgiveness to the institution that facilitated the frolics; and it remains as yet unclear whether staff on the receiving end of the allaged bullying will be inclined to follow the precepts of the Sermon on the Mount and hand over cloak as well as coat to the litigious enemy. Certainly the heavenly indifference recommended by the Saviour is conspicuous by its absence in the ongoing and interminable debate over how far non-heterosexuals shall continue in their status as second-class Anglicans. The gays have not pledged themselves to celibacy and self-loathing unto death, and the gay-baiters have not offered up their churches as homosexual dating clubs; although doubtless each side's prayers for the other's redemption will be just as effectual as ever.

Wednesday, January 25, 2023

Matt Deserves More

I am sure we all condemn in the strongest terms the illegal and ineffective alleged assault on Matt Hancock. The well-known crook, hypocrite, profiteer and sniggering incompetent is not thought to have been hurt, which is only one of the incident's many regrettable aspects. Although there are at least a hundred and seventy thousand legitimate and understandable reasons for assaulting Matt Hancock, no reasonable person with any kind of moral compass would consider an assault which is merely alleged, and which takes place on public transport rather than in a cellar full of handy household implements, to be a workable solution. We trust that the British Transport Police and the enemies of the people will clear the matter up with appropriate promptitude, and we must hope that lessons will have been learned when the time comes for Matt Hancock to be assaulted again.