Diesel Be the Day

Malicious and backsliding persons have suggested that the carbon efficiency of rail travel is underestimated, and have even recommended Heathen Chinee-style nanny-state interference with market forces in order to manipulate passengers into using politically correct routes. Researchers used seven sets of data to measure the industry's carbon footprint, rather than confining themselves to the straightforward simplicity of taxpayers' outlay and private profit; which doubtless explains the bizarre idea that operators should lower prices, if you please, in order to decoy passengers onto empty trains. In light of such un-entrepreneurial and un-British reasoning, it will come as no surprise to find green agitators demanding that the traditional methods of train transport, as pioneered by Robert Louis Stevenson's Rocket and codified in Magna Carta, should be purged in favour of vulgar electrification. At this rate of infiltration, it cannot be long until not even Fishy Rishi's little helicopter is safe.

Cleverly Secured

With his stint as Secretary for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets unlikely to continue past the next eighteen months, Global Britain's Minister of Misnomer is naturally seeking to trumpet what passes for his presence upon the sinecure-rich international stage. James Cleverly has caught up with events as far as 1965, when the security council of the despised United Nations was last expanded, and has ordered the international community to make way for such denizens of the global south as Japan and Germany - the latter having finally expiated its Euro-wog sins by resuming the election of Nazis to local government. Cleverly also condescended to permit a single seat each to Asia, Latin America and Africa; doubtless our plucky Rwandan allies can expect at least a favourable reference. One surprising omission, which Team Starmer can presumably be relied upon to repair, is the Righteous State, which has done almost as much to maintain the hallowed central principles of international law as the master race and its American allies.

Bad Etymology

Fashion, n. from fash abbreviation of fascist, and ion a particle bearing an electrical charge; hence the power of conformity.

Tube n. informal term for television or other video content; hence tuber, a couch potato.

Le stylo c'est l'homme

Although Fishy Rishi has defied his own economic collapse in ways arguably denied to less hard-working mortals, notably by upgrading the local electricity network to heat his swimming pool and making half-hour journeys by private aircraft, it seems that in other regards he is very nearly as frugal as if he hadn't married for money after all. Far from indulging himself and glorifying British statecraft with elegant penmanship, he routinely uses disposable pens imported from Japan, perhaps in exchange for half a case of Marmite via one of the Government's recent trade triumphs. As befits the man and his administration, his chosen writing instrument is not only cheap, but designed to go back on its word: the pen uses erasable ink and is marketed as "ideal for those learning to write with ink," although it remains as yet unclear whether Fishy Rishi's expertise in the art of calligraphy is on a par with his abilities when faced with questions, bank cards or members of the human species.

Self-Defence Against Fresh Fruit

Despite seven years of freedom from the Strasbrussels yoke, many British households have still apparently failed to start digging for Britain. Gardens, allotments and window-boxes are not producing enough turnips to ensure the master race a patriotic diet, and prices could be pushed up still further thanks to the demand by certain cosmopolitan and backsliding elements for imported fruit, cut flowers, plants and non-Westminster vegetables. The Government is considering imposing a charge of up to £43 for every consignment of fresh produce entering the country, with the usual salutary effect on the humble British tradesperson, while consumers will benefit from further rises in food prices, or "facilitating the movement of goods into the country and protecting our biosecurity." It is to be hoped that nobody will have the bad manners to fuel inflation by demanding sufficient wages to cope with these blessings.

Viking Pillaged

Even in the era which has brought us the Brexit vote ("increase trade by cutting off the Continent, rah rah") and the Boris landslide ("elect a chancer and get rich quick, rah rah"), connoisseurs of applied Britishness may soon have grounds for yet further rejoicing. The National Johnson's former chancellor, who supported Brexit and who seems to think the best way to control inflation is to starve the National Health Service to death, has proclaimed it "economically illiterate" to withdraw investment from oil and gas, on the grounds that the Britishness of our world-beating net-zero policy is sure to keep the country dependent on fossil fuels for decades to come. Accordingly, a new onshore windfarm in the Shetland Islands, which could generate enough energy for nearly half a million wholly expendable hovels, may instead be put to the worthier purpose of helping a foreign company greenwash its shareholders' latest fossil-fuel bonanza. The only flaw in the scheme, in terms of its attaining truly consummate Britishness, is that as much as twenty-five per cent of the windfarm's output may still be left over once the oil-rigs have taken their plunder.

Righteously Slanted

In the great Hang Mandela tradition of opposing sanctions against militarised racist states, the Government is attempting to outlaw boycotting of Israel by public bodies. The bill specifically names the Righteous State as its beneficiary, which has prompted almost ten seat-warmers across both Houses of Parliament to complain that it is insufficiently anti-Chinese. The chair of the wog containment select committee voiced her support for "the principle that taxpayers' money should not be policised" before proclaiming the principle that taxpayers' money should only be spent on furthering the Government's goals; and she also worried that community cohesion might be undermined should the natural racism of the great British public suffer some inadvertent legislative misdirection. Meanwhile, the ever-brilliant Iain Duncan Smith feared lest support for Western-sponsored violence against the Palestinians might eclipse opposition to slave labour which fails to benefit Western capitalism. Whether the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove will be able to hold out against this moral and intellectual onslaught remains to be seen.

Advertising Standards

Given the endless pre-referendum squealing by the cadres of the Farage Falange about the need to forsake petty bureaucracy in favour of deregulated freedomisation, perhaps even some Britons will be surprised that the nation's escape from the clutches of Strasbrussels has led to further restrictions on liberty and an increase in petty bureaucracy. London's treacherous City Hall had intended to fly the EU flag on the anniversary of the dogs' response to the whistle, but was informed that "advertising consent" would be required from the local authority. No national flag requires such consent in England; nor do the flags of sports clubs; nor does the flag of whatever is left of the Commonwealth, nor even do the flags of the hated NHS and the despised United Nations. Permission to fly the EU flag was withdrawn in 2021, when ministers issued "encouragement" for national and local government buildings to confine themselves to the Union Jack. Naturally, the fiend Khan is plotting to display the oppressors' banner via artificial illumination: a gesture not only of appeasement towards London's swarming hordes of EU citizens, but of defiance towards the very sunlight which graces our global uplands.

Bad Etymology

Media, n.pl. the journalistic profession collectively; plural of medium, one who produces fantasy under the influence of spirits.

Sanction, n. from Latin sanctitas, holiness: an international expression of virtue against an inexpensive pariah.

Keep Smiling Through

Some ninety per cent of health workers in England seem to have weathered the pandemic, with all its added benefits such as the overwhelming workloads, the inadequacy of safety procedures, the lack of support from managers and the sniggering contempt of the Government, without considering suicide. Although one researcher for the University of Bristol's report on the matter was so tactless as to mention "structural issues around workforce and resources," it is likely that any lessons learned will be less crassly materialistic. The survey's chief investigator was prudent enough to emphasise positive colleague interactivity solutions over mere pay and conditions, and presumably an incoming Team Starmer government will be more than happy to let hospitals provide free mindfulness and meditation sessions for staff to attend during their copious spare time. Even as they stand today, no doubt the figures would have been still better had certain unpatriotic and backsliding elements not failed to join in the applause.

Small Boats

The hordes are out swarming in force!
Illegals invading our shores!
They'll starve or they'll drown:
They're poor and they're brown
And richly deserve it, of course.

Alas! what a loss to the club!
Let us weep! let us mourn! let us blub!
Real people feared drowned
While Titanic-bound
In overly-sinkable sub!

Britt D. Sender

In This Day and Age

Mere experts have once more demonstrated their outdated, un-entrepreneurial and antisemitic tendencies by urging, if you please, a tax on wealth to compensate uppity ex-colonies for the effects of the climate breakdown. This would of course constitute a Communistic perversion of the miracle that is redistributive taxation, which in its natural state constitutes a benign and life-affirming incentive for both carrot-worthy strivers and stick-worthy shirkers to continue and redouble their economy-enhancing efforts. It can only be imagined what calamities would befall the world, to say nothing of the mainland, if governments were to throw the process into reverse and start taking from the wealth creators and giving to the wogs. At best, the moral balance of the very globe would be tilted in favour of people who don't matter very much; at worst, the likely headlines in the Rothermere Daily Stürmer would alone render the entire managerial class officially immoderate and unsensible.

Your Left-Hand Drive Could Be Next

Dutch and Belgian drivers who have been fined four-figure sums by Transport for London's hired boot-boys are complaining just because of a few alleged data breaches and the possibility that the grounds for many of the fines are fictitious. It appears that the US-owned bailiffs have been labouring under "resourcing challenges" which, while not at all detracting from the training and experience of their staff, let alone the deservingness of their shareholders, have necessitated that certain efficiency measures be put in place, such as fining people first and worrying about the pretext later on. The obvious advantages of this democratic and entrepreneurial course can only have been enhanced by a rapidity of processing which enabled penalties to triple before the accused had a chance either to pay or to appeal the original fine. Yet still the beastly Euro-wogs from the black, festering heart of the Strasbrussels dictatorship continue attempting to subvert the independence of the mainland.

Cleansed in the Waters of Britishness

Tour guides in the Lake District have been ordered not to discuss the area's former links to the Atlantic slave trade, on the grounds that sustainable passenger transport providers have no business educating people. The Windermere Lake Cruises company has edited its guidebook and its recorded commentaries to ensure that boat trips over England's biggest natural lake are not tainted by an excess of historical learning; although it nonetheless remains acceptable to mention drownings, deaths in high-speed boat crashes and, of course, the Nazis. The onset of tact concerning the slave trade occurred in the wake of numerous non-racist complaints, shortly after the de-pedestalling and dunking of Edward Colston's statue in Bristol and the doubtless almost equally reprehensible murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis. The Lake District has not so far attained any great notoriety as a danger zone for graven images; but one cannot be too careful.

Bad Etymology

Moderate, adj. from mode and rate, a political position which is in fashion and available at reasonable prices.

Sensible, adj. from French sans without and -ible, a political position characterised by a pro-active lack of policy and a reckless ardour against changing the status quo.

Out of Touch

The public inquiry into the pandemic is off to an expectable start, with the glistening pink former Head Boy of Britain allocated only a brief period in which to account for his government's gutting of the country's preparedness with his characteristic medley of smarmy evasion and vacuous assertion. Meanwhile, mere experts have once again shown themselves behind the times, complaining that Fishy Rishi's new plans, if plans is the word I want, are "almost silent on resourcing." It's as if the recent outcry over procurement had never happened - are the Conservative Party's chums to have no fiscal privacy at all? Having pointed out that current plans focus mainly on centralising authority and deploying the military, one metropolitan élitist went blithely on to talk as if keeping the public safe might somehow be of relevance.

Roads to Hell

A Polish bus company has changed the number of its Route 666 to the Baltic resort of Hel, apparently owing to pressure from Christians. One website fulminated that the joke tended to trivialise the threat of eternal torment which is held over believers' heads by their God of perfect love. Happily, a backlash is under way, and the company is reportedly considering a reversion to the path of sin.

In similar spirit, an American novelist has withdrawn her next book from publication because it happens to be set in Russia, which is acting all American in Ukraine these days. Apparently the decision was made at the behest of Ukrainian readers who were under the impression that the entirety of Russian culture is collectively responsible for the misdeeds of Vladimir Putin. With sublime writerly egomania, the author proclaimed her wish to avoid piling further harm upon the grievous and extreme exposure to bestsellerdom which already afflicts the Ukrainian people. Whether she will now aid the victims of US aggression by self-censoring work set in her homeland remains as yet unclear.

All Rise

All rise, and solemn tribute pay
Upon this most momentous day:
Give greeting and due accolade
Unto the Judge's third decade.

So far and recent was the year
In which our noble blogosphere
With due and proper ceremony
Laid eyes upon his label "Funny" -
First and most subtle of his hints
At "Court will smile" or "Court will wince."

With vices of some serious vermin
Exposed before his virtual ermine -
Detecting crook's or liar's stench,
The terror of the Brymbo bench
Attacked both craven pink and dim blue,
Both on the mainland and in Cymru.

From self-biography reflective
To learnéd and well-earned invective,
His verdicts profit, do not doubt,
Those happy few who seek them out -
Including several grateful students
Of his melodic jurisprudence.

All rise, then, and with praise be free,
All those who've been and are to be
Enlightened, entertained, and taught
At Mr Justice Stapley's court.

Creaming Off the Profits

Yet again the beastly Euro-wogs have demonstrated that their moral inadequacy is more than equalled by their economic inefficiency. Following on from its dictatorial provision of hand disinfectant during the pandemic, the government of the Netherlands is now plotting to undermine wealth creators in the sun cream industry, by dispensing the resource without charge during the summer. Not only will this market interference disrupt sun cream sales at the very point where profits would be greatest, but the use of sun cream by elements who have not earned it could easily inhibit the economic growth of skin cancer, both in expendables and in those who can afford to pay for health care. Skin cancer has been an increasing promising investment across Europe for the past twenty years, so the effect on private providers could be as genocidally unjust as the presence of the hated NHS used to be on the mainland.

Phew What A Scorcher

Soaring temperatures across the country have led to what will doubtless be merely the first of this year's summer disasters. The second wildfire in a fortnight broke out in the Scottish Highlands, and soon became one of the largest recorded in the UK; while Wales and the southern and central parts of the important bit were subject to warnings of flooding, power cuts, and a degree of travel disruption significantly above and beyond that which has been accomplished by decades of British pragmatism in the matter of national infrastructure. Most gravely of all, according to the priorities of Britain's leading liberal newspaper, three or more soldiers in silly costumes fainted from heat exhaustion while rehearsing next weekend's Ruritanian rah-rah. Not only has the climate emergency insinuated its effects into the very heart of ceremonial Britishness, but with élite guardsmen of this calibre the reconquest of Afghanistan seems as far away as ever.

Bad Etymology

Honour, n. elided form of one of ours; by extension, the psychological or ceremonial reward bestowed on allies too powerful to offend and servants who exceed the rank of dupe.

Knight, n. from Old English cniht, a servant; hence the military vassal of a mediaeval monarch, therefore a title bestowed in modern times on those who do most to keep the peasantry in line.

The Truth is Out There

Astoundingly enough, a former official at the institution which gave us the Tonkin Gulf gunboat attacks and the Iraqi weapons of mass nonexistence stands accused of saying the thing that is not. A leading analyst of "unexplained anomalous phenomena" has asserted that the USA has spent decades collecting extraterrestrial vehicles while fending off "malevolent" inquiries from their irritated proprietors; which doubtless helps explain the guilty panics that ensue whenever the North American continent is violated by a balloon that looks a bit Chinese. Naturally the whistle-blower has not corrupted his revelations with anything so un-American as mere evidence; which has led the woke forces of disphenomenatising unanomalousness to cast doubt upon his claims, some of which date back to the famously pro-truth and proto-Trumpster administration of Benito Mussolini. It may safely be assumed that the nation which chose to spend two of the past four decades under the rule of a senile actor, a faeces-flinging chimpanzee and a hydrophobic head-tribble will be keeping an open mind.

Fall of Singapore

Uppity colonials at the site of the most world-beating surrender in the history of the master race are plotting to dispense with yet another vital aspect of their Britishness. Nearly two centuries after its establishment by the civilising forces of Imperial commerce, Singaporean horse racing will be abolished next year in order to free up land for, of all things, public housing. How Global Britain will respond to this act of cultural warfare remains as yet unclear, but surely the sacrifice of animal cruelty on the altar of communistic accomodational fanaticism cannot take place with impunity. If only some part of the Royal Navy in the region could be spared from poking the Heathen Chinee with a sharp stick, the gunboats would doubtless be on their way already.

Let's Have a Little Talk

Little England is absolutely not too small to be a middling country, and certainly has not isolated itself so far that it might not play a role of some not inconsiderable modesty in regulating artificial intelligence, provided the Americans grant permission. Little England is, after all, so famously expansive that its little prime minister can only get around conveniently by making little half-hour hops with his little chopper. Little England's little prime minister started making small talk about AI two whole years ago, in order to ensure that everyone was prepared; and as a result the mid-sized little country is the only one other than the USA which has brought together three leading companies with large language models. Clearly this makes Little England the natural place to lead a conversation, if little else.

Riches for a Rag

Having just recently survived a distressing bout of Barclay family values, the parent company of the Daily and Sunday Toryguff is once more in trouble with its creditors. A spokesbeing and an anonymoid united to reassure an anxious nation that the Daily Mail of the posher classes was in fine fiscal form; appropriately, the parent company of the Rothermere Stürmer is in the offing to pick over the remains should it all go Churchill-shaped, along with the Amazon mogul and, delightfully enough, some Belgians. Although Britain's leading liberal newspaper stopped short of suggesting that the Telegraph might benefit from the traditional British virtues of thrift and hard work, it did refer to the long-outmoded communication device as "one of the UK's crown jewel media assets," thereby hinting none too subtly at its archaic attitudes and garish bad taste.

Porco, Madonna

A saint, clairvoyant and sometime financial fraudster, whose gender evidently precludes a senior position at the Vatican bank, has been raising funds for a children's hospital on the authority of a sanguinary statue. Supposedly, the graven image of the Virgin Mary has been weeping tears of blood and issuing personal communications; however, a private investigator has claimed that the blood, mirabile dictu, is from a pig. Since the Virgin was Jewish, the manifestation of porcine lachrimosity must raise some complicated theological conundrums; and in the face of such mysteries, it is natural that the vicar of Christ on Earth should be mainly concerned with putting the Madonna in her place. Although there are "real" apparitions of the Virgin, namely those recognised by God's appointed bureaucracy of eunuchs and rapists, her proper function is to point upwards at her Son, who apparently takes care of all the gaudy stuff.

Bad Etymology

Cathedral, n. from Greek cata-, tending to reverse or degenerate, and hedra, the face of a geometrical solid; hence an institution dedicated to denial of the obvious in favour of fairy-tales.

Private, adj. from Middle English prien, to peer or spy; hence that part of a person's life which is worthy of being pried into.

Not the Right Sort of Honesty

In modern English, the greatest language in the world, there is only one meaning for the term honest debate: namely, blaming and shaming the migrant hordes. However, the forces of woke extremism are now attempting to corrupt the nation's grammatical cleanliness with a nefarious programme of Orwellian redefinition: the leader of the GMB union has called for Team Starmer to engage in, of all things, an honest debate about the deleterious effects of Britain's independence from the Nazi-Soviet Strasbrussels dictatorship. Coming only days after Starmer himself courted the sensible and moderate readership of the Daily Express with grown-up claims that our European foes are eating our lunch and nicking our dinner money, the intervention can only be considered un-British, anti-business, antisemitic and anti-opportunificatory. Doubtless Team Starmer will soon be taking steps to reduce or refuse the filthy money with which the GMB persists in contaminating the coffers of Britain's party for non-immigrant, non-striking, non-benefits-claiming working people.

I Still Have the Greatest Enthusiasm and Confidence in the Mission

One of the more affecting tropes of classical tragedy is the protagonist who fails through an excess of inconvenient virtue; as with the Macbeth couple, who are ruthless enough to murder their divinely-anointed kinsman under their own roof but lack the ability to repress their guilty conscience, or the American tragedy in Vietnam, wherein the nobly-intentioned victim was thwarted by its squeamish disinclination to elevate massacre into genocide. Alas, the dawn of an AI ethic sufficiently compelling to duplicate this degree of enlightenment still remains elusive. Claims that a simulated AI system had turned on its controller in response to orders watering down its potential kill-score were apparently the product of an involuntary infodump decontextualisation phenomenon. Fortunately, the US Department of the Air Force "remains committed to ethical and responsible use of AI technology;" so the evolution towards an artificial consciousness of the God-given right to gookicide will no doubt continue.

Undiminished Returns

Patriots will rejoice that the ethical Britishness of our great nation's wog disposal system continues to be matched by its fiscal Britishness. A fourfold increase in the yield from the magic money tree has enabled the taxpayer to sponsor many deserving hotels; while the Government has introduced an element of poetic justice by plundering the foreign aid budget to pay itself for failing to process asylum claims. Meanwhile Fishy Rishi is due to lecture the beastly Euro-wogs on the moral equivalence between the invasion of Ukraine by Russia and the invasion of England by the swarming hordes of fast-breeding non-whites. Following the stunning success of the Rwanda transportation and warehousing scheme, new agreements with Bulgaria, Moldova and Georgia are in preparation, which will doubtless have the fiend Putin quaking in his boots.