Entente Contraire

Having previously flounced out of negotiations and blamed the beastly French, Team Starmer may now condescend to give the Euro-wogs another chance at agreeing a collective wog-bombing agenda. Recent eructations by the Trumpster and his head-tribble may have concentrated minds on the Continent, although on the mainland His Majesty's Government remains decisively opposed to excessive independence from Washington. Talks broke down in November, apparently because the master race once again wanted to be in the club without paying the membership fee; other factors may also have been involved, although it remains as yet unclear whether recent British triumphs of military planning were among them.

Not the Right Kind of Toxic

Team Starmer is once more empurpled with righteous indignation; this time because the Farage Falange candidate in the approaching Manchester by-election has received the endorsement of the Reverend Tommyrot Yaxleyson. Despite their shared concerns about living on an island of strangers, the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange does not approve of his reverence, whose social media presence and rabble-rousing potential threaten to distract the great British public from those of the Caudillo himself. Nevertheless, Team Starmer has sought to associate them, proclaiming that Yaxleyson's endorsement "shows who [the Falange candidate] really is and what he stands for;" which raises the intriguing question of who Team Starmer imagines its own Minister for Wog Disposal really is and what she stands for. One would surely have to be a very unpleasant sort of antisemite indeed to believe that Team Starmer considers guilt by association a valid charge only when it happens to be expedient for Team Starmer.

Gangster Diplomacy

With typically sinister subtlety, the Heathen Chinee have commemorated the visit by the CEO of Team Starmer with eleven executions. In defiance of all civilised values, the objects of the exercise had been found guilty of involvement in gang-related activities including "intentional homicide, intentional injury, unlawful detention, fraud and casino establishment," rather than political protest, melanin content or anything else that would be considered criminal among the friends of His Majesty's Government in Saudi Arabia or the USA. Since the CEO of Team Starmer denies any need to choose between the Trumpster and the beastly Euro-wogs, it is unlikely that he has many qualms about a détente with the Heathen Chinee, however dim a view they may take when it comes to fraud. It is to be hoped that the Trumpster and his head-tribble do not choose to regard such statesmanlike equanimity as condoning Beijing's most blatant disregard for American values since the onset of the global warming hoax.

Rentiers' Rights

Those who maintain that there are no significant differences between Team Starmer and Britain's four or five other right-wing parties will once more be confounded by the latest announcement on housing policy. While the Conservatives and their Liberal Democrat accomplices were entirely uninterested in ensuring that homes were fit for human habitation, Team Starmer intends giving slum landlords barely a decade to clean up their act. The benefits of these new and robust standards will be palpable for working people who rent their housing, provided they have sufficient pluck and gumption to rent it to others. Team Starmer's in-house estate agent proclaimed that leaving tenants to rot a bit longer would mean more time and certainty for the real people; presumably because the new standards are so replete with British robustitude that not even a Farage Falange government would have much inclination to lower them.

Selektion

Let our forgetfulness and mists
Of history elide
The Roma, gays and Communists
And other chaff who died.

Where due expediency exists,
Let memory abide;
Let all remembrance that resists
Be Holocaust denied.

Rabbi Benjamin of Gaza

Sane Enough For Some

The latest and least auspicious defection to the Farage Falange from its malformed and retarded parliamentary twin seems to have caused a brief moral lapse by the latter, which chose to snigger at Suella Braverman not on racial or sexual grounds, but on those of mental illness. Self-evidently, Braverman is neither poor enough nor Muslim enough to be considered Just Plain Evil; but the implication that the Conservative Party had been looking after her mental health was dangerous enough to bring about a rapid retraction. A show of concern for mental health in the workplace is about as likely to lure back the Farage Falange demographic as a facility for foreign languages or a preference for history over rah-rah.

Meanwhile, the nation's other main purveyors of Conservative policy frowned and tutted their disapproval. Something at Team Starmer's Ministry for Wog Control huffed and puffed about British values as if addressing a school assembly; while a spokesbeing for the Farage Falange proclaimed that it went without saying that Braverman could never have been diagnosed with a mental health condition: she is, for goodness' sake, a barrister with a Cambridge education. So self-evident was this reasoning that any assertion to the contrary was a gross affront to those patriotic millions whose robust common sense and unerring contact with reality have got the master race and the Farage Falange where they are today.

Support For Our Boys

Despite Team Starmer's repeated proclamations that Britain has no need to choose between European partnership and American vassalage, it seems the beastly Euro-wogs remain ungrateful for the nuance. The freedom of movement of some plucky little patriots has been curtailed by the French authorities, despite the incursion being named after Mr Churchill's personal victory over Charles de Gaulle. The cadres in question are led by a disciple of the Reverend Tommyrot Yaxleyson, whose recent endorsement of Team Starmer's assault on asylum has done so much for the Government's approval ratings. Nevertheless, the Ministry for Wog Disposal has yet to comment on the matter; presumably because Team Starmer's policy-makers at the Farage Falange are too busy making flags and knitting socks to issue the appropriate guidance.

Pacific Intentions

Unlike Iran, the United Kingdom, or even the Palestinian Free State, North Korea possesses an independent nuclear deterrent; hence the War Department in the kingdom of the Trumpster and his head-tribble has elected to treat the Democratic Republic with an appropriate lack of casual contempt. Under the pretext of protecting the homeland from the looming threats of Canada, Denmark and the enemy within, the Pentagon predicts a more limited role for the World Cop in deterring the poorer, less populous and less industrialised half of the Korean peninsula from unauthorised re-unification with the other half. Rather, the Pentagon's Asia-Pacific concern will concentrate on protecting Taiwan from the Heathen Chinee, whose history of military aggression over the past half-century has been practically the equal of North Korea's own.

Yet Another Irish Question

Even in the midst of being starved, massacred and partitioned, Ireland has rarely been among the more grateful beneficiaries of British imperialism; and the possibility of a board game based on the Troubles has elicited an expectably dour response. Though not yet ready for sale, the game has been advertised on the website of its US-based manufacturer, whose company president defended it on educational grounds: nobody under thirty in America can be bothered to watch a documentary, let alone pick up a book, so history must be told in more engaging ways, such as a game involving two hundred and fifty-nine "rich narrative cards" and two hundred pages of instructions. Nevertheless, a victims' rights organisation in Northern Ireland has protested that the game oversimplifies the issue, and that its existence could re-traumatise any survivors who see it marketed. Happily, assuming that the game's educational ambitions survive its developmental rigors, it seems unlikely to become much more engaging without also, perish the thought, becoming rather less historical; so those who live long enough to be re-traumatised may well end up relatively few.

Schrödinger's Cuts

Another Farage Falange local authority has been sorting things out and getting things done with near-Starmerite straightforwardness and efficiency. Having previously published a timetable for the closure of five care homes, the Lancashire county cadre is now squealing that it never actually intended to close the care homes actually, and also that the care homes will receive investment, and also that no decision about the care homes has yet been made. Five day-care centres are also subject to "review," and the obvious course of action would be for the council to save money for the upkeep of one or two of the cheaper old folks' homes by closing all those facilities for over-diagnosed shirkers who ought to be out stacking shelves or joining the army. It remains to be seen whether the Farage Falange intends quite so moderate and sensible a solution as that.

Escape to Alcatraz

It's always the way. No sooner had the deal-detecting gaze of the Trumpster and his head-tribble been fleetingly diverted from the security of the homeland than some dirty, mangy dog took unfair advantage, becoming apparently the first coyote to swim to Alcatraz. Besides being made without the blessing of ICE, the journey seems also to have been accomplished without the aid of ACME, whose technological innovation and mastery of the laws of physics so elegantly resemble the Trumpster's own. This no doubt accounts for the fact that the coyote arrived cold and wet, but not squashed, scorched, macerated, pulverised, or about to undergo an involuntary rockward descent from an unsafe altitude. The animal is assumed to have come from a nearby island or else from San Francisco, perhaps in the belief that a former prison is better than a future one.

Global Trends May Affect Britain, Claims Shock Report

Officers of Britain's national security agencies have apparently duped so many ecological activists into sleeping with them that even our more military intelligences have begun to suspect that climate breakdown might perhaps be a Bad Thing. A hard-hitting report, cautiously submitted by MI5 and MI6 bigwigs via some protective sock-puppets at the Department for Enduring Floods and Renovating Airports, notes that the collapse of global ecosystems could harm British national security even though it is British. The report charitably verifies what mere experts have been saying for decades, and radically recommends that somebody ought to do something about it. Specifically, it advocates fostering resilience and preparedness, presumably via the expedient of increased funding for the right sort of people at Britain's national security agencies. Those of us who have not the lonely privilege of service can only stand and marvel at the perspicacity.

Signs in the Sky

Geomagnetic storms of an intensity not seen since the Bush chimpanzee was in the White House may cause the aurora borealis to become visible in some of the more excitable provinces of the kingdom of the Trumpster and his head-tribble. A couple of months ago the aurora was visible in Texas, and powerful geomagnetic storms can disrupt satellite communications and other infrastructure commonly supposed to be the work of God or government conspiracy. It is to be hoped that local witch-doctors will remember their responsibility to interpret the phenomena in an appropriate manner, as a sign of divine approval for traditional family values and shooting dissenters in the face.

It's Tough at the Top

With all that's going on in the world today, it can be difficult to keep in mind those unfortunates whose circumstances no longer rate major headlines, and yet who continue to suffer all manner of inconvenience. Therefore it is to be hoped that some thoughts and prayers can be spared for the victim of the Gaza crisis, who faces a seemingly endless succession of unpalatable choices. On the one hand, his far-right foreign sponsor has set up a hilariously named "board of peace" to oversee the territory's transformation from bantustan to beach resort; on the other hand, his far-right domestic allies are demanding a military junta to oversee its immediate and humourless colonisation by the master race. On the most superfluous hand of all, despite a ceasefire in which only one side has ceased firing, the Arab Untermenschen wilfully continue in their recalcitrant refusal to die out fast enough. Oh, the humanity.

Not All Fellow Travellers Go the Distance

Faced with the Trumpster administration's apparent willingness to start a war within NATO, a handful of Republican senators have had sudden attacks of scruple, in some cases not even coincidentally with their impending retirement from the wreckage they helped to complete. One dissenter went so far as to compare the Trumpster unfavourably with President Biden, proclaiming that a military attack on the white people of Denmark would be even worse than cutting short the war against the brown people of Afghanistan. Another suggested optimistically that annexing Greenland would do what domestic criminality could not, and bring about an end to the Trumpster's presidency; though whether a Vance presidency would constitute a significant improvement remains as yet unclear. Still, in straitened times one must take what one can get; and although the Trumpster and his head-tribble have yet to meet their Stauffenberg or Zhukov, a bit of whining among the Schachts and Papens may at least be a start.

Primitive Ways and Repellent Methods

While those in more civilised regions trust to prayer, the profit motive and occasional injections of sunlight and disinfectant, researchers in Uganda may have discovered a merely practical measure to prevent disease. Experimental treatment of traditional cloth wraps with insect repellent cut rates of malaria by two-thirds: a result which, lest further funding be correspondingly reduced, one researcher hastened to describe as a "business opportunity." The insecticide used in the experiment is "dirt cheap;" so it is fortunate that so few of the larger business opportunists care much about preventing malaria in Africa, or it wouldn't stay cheap very long.

Insufficiently Prized

While much has been made of the material and mineral reasons why the Trumpster and his head-tribble might wish to take over Greenland, little attention has been given to the possibility that one or both of them might believe it belongs to Norway. The latest Nobel peace laureate, who seems well worthy to stand with the likes of Kissinger, Obama and Bojaxhiu, has apparently attempted to placate the prizeless pair by offering her medal for the Trumpster's bling collection; but the gesture was quickly undercut by the Nobel organisers, who ungratefully proclaimed that medallionisation does not automatically imply laureatability. Doubtless this explains why Venezuela's tireless democrat is yet to be given a role in her country's mugging, despite a level of sycophancy that would do credit to a British prime minister.

Our Family Values

Despite fourteen years' stewardship of the nation's health by the Conservatives and their Liberal Democrat accomplices, the rate of women dying during or soon after pregnancy has risen by a fifth. Not even the omnipresent eagerness of our lords and masters to breed more Britons for soldiering and shelf-stacking has brought about any obvious concern for the well-being of the nation's incubators and brood mares, despite a pledge by a sometime minister for medic-bashing to halve maternal deaths by 2030. Similarly, despite the well-known British absence of institutional racism, death rates were higher among black and Asian women; and despite the infallible British instinct for fair play and helping the underdog, those in the poorest areas were twice as likely to die as those living among the real people. Despite everything, there still remain some who profess to be shocked.

Slippery Morals

Whatever its ethical flexibility in defending sex pests and collaborating with fascists, the Church of Rome has rarely been afraid to take a hard line against artistic freedom. A Catholic diocese in Germany has sinned exceedingly in thought, deed and image with a television broadcast which not only implied that childbirth through an intact hymen can be a messy business, but used a female performer to represent Baby Jesus. The expectable squeals of righteous indignation erupted from the expectable schools of theology, and the diocese duly expressed repentance for its deviationism and incorrectitude. It is certainly deplorable that believers in Christ should be asked to contemplate the idea that the offspring of a god and a virgin, with power over the living and the dead, might have a touch of the alien about it.

Foot and Mouth

Far-right politics makes for fragrant bed-fellows, and the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange has duly snuggled up with a foot soldier in the person of his fellow grifter Nadhim Zahawi. Sacked almost as often as Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring, and rivalling Kwasi Kwarteng and Fishy Rishi in the abbreviated-chancellor stakes, Private Zahawi is proof positive that the Farage Falange will accept even former asylum seekers provided that their honesty and competence are such as to qualify them for high office under the National Johnson. His move to the Farage Falange, the nation's major party of migrant-bashers, capital-coddlers and Trump-suckers, will greatly discombobulate Team Starmer, also the nation's major party of migrant-bashers, capital-coddlers and Trump-suckers, and will lay to rest for all time any rumours that the Falange is barely distinguishable from the Conservatives, also the nation's major party of migrant-bashers, capital-coddlers and Trump-suckers. According to the strutting Caudillo, Zahawi's contribution to the cadres will be his experience in government: a claim which unfortunately shows up the Falange's demonstrated incompetence in financial matters, since Rachel Reeves or the Liberal Democrats could provide the same experience and would almost certainly come cheaper.

An Innocent Abroad

That dedicated public servant, Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring, has commenced his latest rehabilitation by refusing any apology for continuing his association with Jeffrey Epstein past the point where he should have known that it was no longer to his personal advantage. Lord Mandelbrot was sacked as sucker-up in ordinary to the Tangerine Emperor once it became clear that Team Starmer had waved his appointment through without proper vetting for embarrassment - an understandable enough mistake given that Lord Mandelbrot had only got himself sacked two or three times before. As for Epstein's victims, the blame for their troubles lies with Society and The System, so Lord Mandelbrot has graciously condescended to draw a line under the whole ghastly business and to await with all due dignity his inevitable reappointment. At least the world is now aware that he never did anything genuinely inexcusable, such as suggesting that skin colour might be a factor in racism.

Children of God

Despite the modern taste for overextended fantasy sagas full of sex, violence and po-faced moralising, it seems the nation's youth are turning to the Bible in ever larger numbers. Having been deprived of the Christian education that made atheists out of their forebears, they apparently see the faith as some sort of counter-cultural force: so few of our lords and masters these days are the kind of people who favour eternal torment for their enemies, let alone believe themselves to possess the secrets of the universe and a monopoly of virtue. As always, the Bible's catalogue of arbitrary commandments and blatant inconsistencies, no less than its slavering recitals of punishment and massacre, should make for an admirable schooling in the ways of the world.

Treason, Betrayal and Lies

Doubtless owing to the malignant machinations of the beastly Euro-wogs and their asylum-seeker accomplices, the Farage Falange still appears to be suffering one or two local difficulties. Having promised to lower taxes while improving public services, several Falange-run authorities are now raising council tax by the permitted maximum of five per cent; although in the spirit of the January sales one of them is considering a bargain rate of 4.99. Fortunately, most Farage Falange voters are presumably those with sufficient Britishness of intellect to believe that the country could become more prosperous by cutting off its major trading partner and selling Marmite to Japan; so any electoral consequences will most likely be negligible.

Legitimate Force

Astoundingly enough, the Trumpster's Christmas crusade does not appear to have made Nigeria safe for Christendom, let alone retaken the holy places from the clutches of the infidel. One of the Bush chimpanzee's handlers famously proclaimed that the World Cop doesn't do body counts, and the Trumpster and his head-tribble seem set to continue that relaxed tradition. Britain's leading liberal newspaper is even unclear as to why the US chose to target the district that was wog-bombed, despite the area's retaliatory capabilities being underdeveloped and its population almost entirely Muslim. On the other hand, the terrorist group that was targeted does seem to be using bandit-like methods under the pretext of protecting communities from bandits, in stark contradiction of governmental values everywhere.

Royal Justice

However much Team Starmer may concur with the Trumpster concerning the final abolition of international law, it seems our own judicial Britishness remains as efficient as ever. Under the previous rabble, the Ministry for Profitable Incarceration leased a prison from the Duchy of Cornwall, which is the estate charged with the upkeep of the Prince of Wales. Doubtless respect for the honour of His Royal Highness was what prevented either side of the bargain from ensuring that the place was at least slightly less radioactive than the then-future Andrew Mountbatten Windsor, Gentleman. In fact, the Government had known for several years that the prison held high levels of carcinogenic radon gas; but since lung cancer is too good for sex offenders and not quick enough for asylum seekers, even the Ministry for Profitable Incarceration is unlikely to use the building much for the remainder of the ten-year lease. The last staff and inmates were only let out in 2024, so the Ministry for Profitable Incarceration is also facing lawsuits from ex-inmates and prison officers over the possible risk to their health. Fortunately, the great British taxpayer is on hand as always to make sure that neither His Majesty's Government nor the Duchy of Cornwall is unduly inconvenienced.

Watchdog Bares Yet More Empty Gums

Another moisture provision profiteer has been found wanting, if only in performing its admittedly secondary function of providing moisture to paying customers. South East Water recently had to warn its captive market off using its product for two weeks, having refrained from burdening itself with regulatory red tape such as testing and filtering. The company's chief executive blamed the water, the customers and the regulator, which has no power to impose further sanctions; and the company itself is so efficient that it recently had to beg investors for a handout of two hundred million. There might well be serious trouble in store were it not for the fact that publicly owned utilites are contrary to the national religion.

Improper Attire

Our great and conquering nation has always had its share of amateur militarists, but the majority are generally content to deploy their talents on social and mainstream media or, in particularly abject cases, at the Ministry for Wog-Bombing. It takes a special sort of warrior to forsake the armchair HQ, put on a fake uniform and some purchased bling, and attend a Remembrance Day ceremony in the guise of a Royal Navy admiral. Whether from mental health troubles or sheer idiocy (they are not, of course, mutually exclusive), someone did just that last November, and has now received a fine and a judicial telling-off for showing disrespect to those who served. Fortunately for the seriousness of the proceedings, the offence took place in Llandudno rather than at the London Cenotaph, where the posturing presence of the National Johnson, the Reverend Blair and the rest demonstrated, as always, a more profound disrespect than any prankster could hope to achieve.

Sovereign Rights and Petty Legalisms

In its usual sure-footed and statesmanlike fashion, Team Starmer has proclaimed itself not entirely clear on the Trumpster administration's plans for Venezuela. While it is self-evident that Venezuela's right of self-defence is neither as absolute as Ukraine's nor as sacred as that of the Righteous State, certain questions remain as to whether military aggression and colonialism are against international law when the White House doesn't care one way or the other. For the time being, a spokesbeing was extruded to clarify that Britain had not been informed of the assault and therefore had neither the right nor the inclination to hold any opinion on the matter; save that the business of setting out a democratic future for Venezuela's oil and minerals is "for the Americans now and for Venezuela," presumably in that order.

Business as Usual

Has the head-tribble lost its mojo? Are its radioactive defecations into the tangerine cranium blocked by constipation? Few other possibilities can explain the apparent fact that the Trumpster has commenced the new year with a very ordinary Latin American resource grab. Even the kidnapping of the Venezuelan leader and his wife is hardly unprecedented: George Bush senior, as prim and prissy an old-style Republican as anyone could wish against, did the same with Manuel Noriega in Panama almost forty years ago, and on the same gossamer pretext of a war on drugs. While there will doubtless be relief in some quarters, there will indubitably be a price to pay should any suspicion dawn that the head-tribble no longer rules and that the Trumpster has begun to act like a normal US president.

Capital Growth

Patriots will rejoice to see that His Majesty's Government's favourite Islamic fundamentalist head-choppers remain as zealous as ever in their implementation of British values. During the year just gone, the House of Saud supplemented its moderate rampage in Yemen with a sensible massacre of alleged drug traffickers and various others, the quantity of executions exceeding the impressive record set during the year before. Rights organisations and other malcontents have carped and criticised as ever, and some have even claimed that the House of Saud's dedication to law and order undermines its modernising efforts. In light of modern Britain's intensive concern with decapitating human rights, this is surely a grave injustice.

Royal Discretion

Whatever lessons our Mother of Democracies may have learned from the case of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, Gentleman, it appears that Norway has yet to absorb them. The son of the local Crown Princess is to face trial on charges of illegal sneak-filming, domestic violence and four counts of rape, though he apparently denies everything except a minority of the violence. On the mainland, of course, the idea of putting Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor on trial was always a self-evident absurdity: the Crown Prosecution Service can hardly be expected to turn the monarch's relative into a mere subject of inquiry. Instead the matter was dealt with internally, with a few Ruritanianisms lopped off the mode of address and a certain enforced economy of accommodation. As a result, not only has the taxpayer been spared the expense and prurient temptations of a trial; but the nation's overstretched and under-resourced women's health and rights organisations, unlike their Norwegian counterparts, have not been inconvenienced by a sudden surge in business.