Spawning Malice

Advertisements by a pregnancy advice charity have been terminated by Transport for London on the grounds that they could bring the police into disrepute. The adverts request people to lobby their parliamentary expenses claimants in favour of civilising the country's Christian abortion laws, and feature plain and factual accounts of women investigated or prosecuted over the ending of their pregnancies. Although the charity points out that the campaign is quite devoid of the blood-spattered hysteria which characterises the pro-coathanger congregation, there is undeniably a clear implication that the Metropolitan Police may have been acting in accordance with the law. One can only imagine what seismic levels of culture shock might result if that were to get about.

Vexatious Legalisms

Given that Team Starmer got where it is today by smearing anti-racists as racist, and that it clearly hopes to stay where it is today by letting the Farage Falange set the agenda for the next four years, few will be surprised that it has felt obliged to issue an apology to the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange and his non-grown-up wannabes in the Conservative Party. Team Starmer's figuratively gutless attorney general went through the rite of appeasement in response to squeals of indignation at his having implied that a vulgar rabble of law-breaking nationalist race-baiters might somehow be legitimately comparable to a race-baiting rabble of vulgar nationalist law-breakers. In accordance with the patriotic reading of international law, whereby the legality of an action depends not on the action itself but on who performs it (see the case of the fiend Putin's illegal aggression versus the Righteous State's sacred self-defence), it follows that race-baiting, law-breaking, nationalism and even vulgarity are all very different matters when practised by the master race as opposed to a bunch of beastly Euro-wogs.

Wesley Needs You

In accordance with Team Starmer's policy of Change™, the Secretary of State for Profitable Healthcare has urged medical staff to be content with a pittance and some words. Resident doctors, who were previously called junior doctors in order to justify keeping them on minimum wage and Amazon-warehouse working conditions, are considering strike action over Team Starmer's continuity-Conservative pay award, and Wesley the Wideboy would really rather they didn't. In a further demonstration of his in-touchness with the right sort of people, Wesley's plea was published in the Murdoch Times, though doubtless without the least idea of courting support from the First Family when the time comes to defenestrate the Dear Leader in the name of yet further Change™ to more of the same. Had he submitted the piece to the British Medical Journal, after all, it could have been peer-reviewed, with potentially embarrassing results.

Perfidious Persia Put in Her Place

That wily old negotiator Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring has exerted his hobnailed powers of persuasion upon the mad mullahs of Iran, who still have the temerity to imagine that their country has some sort of sovereign right to generate its own energy, and may even hold a sneaking belief in the doctrine of nuclear deterrence. Whether by way of appeasing the Trumpster and his head-tribble or merely from his own innate suavity, Lord Mandelbrot eructated a long, loud public gloat about the weakness of Iran and its proxies (allies are for the higher cultures) and then proclaimed that he and the Trumpster could not accept a weak nation strengthening itself, because Heaven forfend that British values should verge upon sympathy for the underdog. The mad mullahs, who treacherously responded to the Trumpster's reneging on a previous agreement by acting as if that very same agreement were no longer in force, seem to have greeted Lord Mandelbrot's diplomacy in a similarly unconstructive spirit.

Stab in the Back

Antisemitism is an insidious plague. It can start in the most ostensibly innocuous fashion, with mild disagreement as to whether a particular genocide is or is not being carried out with an alacrity that might arguably be considered indecorous; and then before you know where you are it turns out that you have in fact spent years mentioning noses, rats and octopuses with ever more incriminating innocence. Indeed, so subtly has the pestilence spread that a former prime minister of the Righteous State is now complaining that the Netanyahoo administration's war crimes are unprecedented in their lack of discernible goals, proper planning or realistic chances of success, and that in recent weeks (though evidently not before then) the number of unprofitable casualties among the Palestinian Untermenschen has verged upon the monstrous. It comes to something when even the elders of Likud seem ready to forget their protocols and start poisoning the wells of moral cleanliness.

Throw Away the Key

In yet another sign of our morally destabilised times, the spouse and helpmeat of a recently-ejected Conservative councillor has protested that a legal prison sentence is too harsh; although there is some reassuring residual consistency in the fact that the sentence happens to be her own. Having reacted to the Southport child murders in accordance with civilised Western values (viz. by calling for large numbers of unrelated persons to be deported or burned alive), the unfortunate lady faces incarceration for two years and seven months and has now been refused leave to appeal against the sentence, even though she pledged to play the mental health card that has gained so many genuine criminals their luxury flatscreen not-guilty verdicts.

Of course the sentence is unjustifiable. However legal it may be, a prison term for putting words on social media is ridiculous, and the presence of such a penalty on the statute books almost certainly owes less to His Majesty's Government's urge to protect minorities than to His Majesty's Government's habitual largesse towards human warehousing profiteers. A properly vengeful system would punish incitement to racial hatred with community service at the beck and call of the community incited against; which would lead to the pleasing spectacle of the Conservative Party, the Farage Falange and a sizeable portion of Team Starmer cooking and cleaning for suspected refugees.

Sink the Mayflower

Our island of strangers may soon be subject to yet another influx of economic refugees. Those subjects of the Trumpster and his head-tribble who lack the entrepreneurial gumption to have been born rich are seeking relocation in their thousands, apparently under the impression that Team Starmer's plans for immigrants are more hospitable than a concentration camp in El Salvador. Team Starmer's Secretary for Wog Disposal has pre-emptively eliminated a substantial number of claims with new and higher requirements as regards the ability to speak English; it remains as yet unclear what proportion of the swarming hordes will be wealthy, white and cisgender enough to count as valued allies rather than verminous aliens.

Redundancy is What We Do Best

Consequences continue oozing forth from Team Starmer's capitulation to the beastly Euro-wogs, which may now result in the sale of some forty facilities built by the previous administration for cargo carriers to park for days on end while enjoying the lack of unelected Strasbrussels bureaucracy and the democratic substitution of British red tape. At least one such haven of buccaneering free trade may have to be demolished altogether, and the Government is casting around for companies willing to take the others off its hands. Patriots will no doubt rejoice at the nation's capacity to derive so much trouble and expense from even a coy little baby-step in the betrayal of that portion of the British people which believed the mainland would benefit by cutting the Continent adrift.

Gone the Right Way

It appears that the long tribulations of the Maily Toryguff may soon be drawing to a heart-gladdening close, despite the saga featuring such paragons of fiscal Britishness as Nadhim Zahawi and the barking brothers Barclay of Sark. A consortium is buying the former newspaper for some four hundred and seventy-six thousand guineas, apparently under the impression that it has a chance of doing well in the realm of the Trumpster and his head-tribble. What form of evolution the Toryguff might be required to undergo before it can be sold to a country containing so substantial a population of militant nostalgics, self-pitying paranoiacs and functional illiterates remains as yet to be discovered.

Let Them Eat Praise

Teachers, nurses and other traditional targets of ministerial humour have reacted with their accustomed ingratitude to Team Starmer's latest derisory public sector pay awards, which start at one-tenth of a percentage point above the rate of inflation and rise all the way to slightly less than two percentage points. Wideboy Wesley Streeting proclaimed that Team Starmer would never be able to reverse the Conservatives' vandalism in under a year, which is certainly true enough: at current rates it could take up to a quarter of a millennium. In order to ensure that this pledge at least will not be broken, Team Starmer has very prudently ensured that the pay rises will not be fully funded, so that the proper recognition of public sector staff's outstanding work will entail painful decisions whose consequences can then be blamed on freeloading nurses and handout-guzzling teachers before being duly resolved in accordance with the national religion and the legitimate interests of private profit.

Lowe Humour

Despite his recent ejection from the corporate cadres of the Farage Falange, it does not appear that the brilliant Rupert Lowe will soon be invited to cross the Commons floor. There is no place in Team Starmer for the wrong sort of racist, and Lowe has been caught on video cavorting practically at the pinnacle of the hierarchy of the unaccepted. He may have stopped short of career suicide by making a parsimony and/or circumcision joke as opposed to criticising the Righteous State; but the auspices do not appear favourable for his being welcomed into the ranks of those whose desire to distinguish themselves from the Farage Falange is arguably more moderate and sensible than his own. Nor can he have done much good to his prospects of securing funding for a new Real Provisional Not Just A Protest Party Lowe's Legion Limited Company. Even his compounding of the general hilarity by explaining the joke may yet prove insufficient for Lowe's rescue by the great British sense of fun.

Orange Free State

Even the staunchest protector of homeland values would probably admit that not all immigrants are the same: there are the decent ones who work hard and play by the rules, and then there are those others. By the grace of God, those who steal jobs and commit crimes usually turn out to carry a telltale mark which provides a handy warning to the discerning patriot; and some such subtle clue is doubtless what has enabled the Trumpster and his head-tribble to eructate the tangerine vapours of their compassion upon the grateful heads of some white South Africans claiming racial discrimination. The matter has provoked one refugee agency, attached to the Episcopal church, to dissolve its partnership with the federal government; although given that an Episcopal bishop has already been caught offering a public prayer for mercy towards the Trumpster's victims, it seems unlikely that their association could have continued very happily in any case. Still, as another Christian agency pointed out, the prompt and efficient processing of the persecuted Afrikaners does demonstrate that the government is capable of screening and aiding those refugees whose melanin content is not so excessively Hamitic or Hispanic as to result in unacceptable administrative difficulties.

Hot Property

Investigators of a small fire in the ungodly hours at a house owned by the CEO of Team Starmer have so far not denied that the blaze resulted from a minor demon turning up to claim its due. There seems little purpose in such coyness and reticence, given that no self-respecting devil would care to fence a soul so manifestly undersized and so fragrant with the territorial secretions of corporate capitalism and the Farage Falange. In fact the CEO of Team Starmer is no longer living at the house, but is reportedly renting it out in order to keep starvation at bay now that he has to pay for his own football tickets; so the likeliest cause of the fire is a sudden and inadequately controlled surge of mammalian warmth when the current tenants took up residence.

Calling Names

The United Mexican States have filed a lawsuit against Google over the Trumpster administration's unilateral Murcanisation of the Gulf of Mexico. Since only part of the Gulf is over continental shelf belonging to the kingdom of the head-tribble, it follows that only that part can be legitimately re-christened by the head-tribble's quasi-divine decree. Nevertheless, for all Google Maps users in the realm of the Trumpster can tell, the new name has been imposed upon the entire Gulf, to the incalculable detriment of educational standards and geographical knowledge among the head-tribble's serfs and subjects. Patriots in the former Republic will no doubt be relieved at the lack of precedent for a nation of united states inflicting humiliating defeat upon an arbitrary colonial government headed by a monarch of German extraction and questionable cognitive ability.

Those Who Truly Support Peace

Squeals of moral outrage are forthcoming from the EU after the leaders of Slovakia and Serbia disobeyed orders and attended Russia's military parade, which was also and purely incidentally a commemoration of the Great Patriotic War and not in any way related to recent military parades which have taken place elsewhere in honour of Mr Churchill and other fighters for peace. Russia's military forces are engaged in an illegal invasion of Ukraine, which the EU deplores because it is entirely dissimilar to the Righteous State's illegal rampage in Gaza, the West Bank, Lebanon, Syria and Iran, which the EU is facilitating. The actions of the Serbian and Slovakian leaders in appeasing an authoritarian gangster régime in a country much larger and more powerful than their own certainly bear no meaningful resemblance to the diplomatic efforts of Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring in crawling up the Trumpster's non-speaking sphincter, primarily though not exclusively because the actions of the Serbian and Slovakian leaders are unlikely to bring material profit to Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring. Above all, the Great Patriotic War is nowhere near as good an excuse as the Holocaust, because the victims of the latter were retrospective cadres of the Righteous State and the victims of the former merely Communists.

Always Put One in the Brain

After several years of cruel and unusual punishment by botched lethal injection, it looks as if the Christian state of South Carolina has taken up cruel and unusual punishment by botched firing squad. Rejecting the quick and easy Genickschuss as practised by the comparatively humane and efficient Nazi and Stalinist régimes, the Christian state of South Carolina insists upon its executioners aiming at the heart. In at least one case, penitential projectile dispensation operatives appear to have confused the heart with the pancreas, the liver and the lung area, with prolonged and presumably indecorous results. Whether the Christian state of South Carolina will be trawling its more homicidal school student bodies for recruits to the custodial cardiac arrest trade remains as yet unclear.

Culture Shock

Since the Trumpster and his head-tribble don't believe in history and don't know what art is, one or two difficulties are understandably emerging as regards collaboration between art historians inside and outside the Land of the Free. At least one Dutch museum is debating whether to lend items to its US counterparts in the face of funding cuts and the Trumpster administration's ongoing purge of all that is improper, divisive or ideologically anti-American. Works held at the Mauritshuis include Vermeer's improper Girl with a Pearl Earring, in which the bling on display is notoriously austere; as well as Rembrandt's un-American Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicolaes Tulp, which depicts an image of the one true God being dissected in the name not only of science, but of education as well. Yet more ominously, the museum is located at the Hague, where non-white war criminals occasionally get their come-uppance; and although there is as yet no record of an orange felon being put on trial there, it would hardly be surprising if the head-tribble found caution advisable.

Bash the Bats, Other the Otters

Given the ministerial sneers and sniggers that have emerged from Team Starmer about allowing bats and newts to stand in the way of homes for hard-working British families, it was perhaps inevitable that the Government's own analysis would indicate the presence of no such problem. The proposed planning and infrastructure bill is intended to roll back the green crap not because environmental legislation hinders infrastructure projects, but because landlords and construction firms tend to have a more profitable time when they have to obey fewer rules. Presumably the lesson learned by Team Starmer will be to emulate their recently ejected Conservative models and refrain from commissioning any impact assessments that might place disreputable motives in disrepute; which given Team Starmer's likely motives would indubitably mean considerable efficiency savings on impact assessments. Then again, if mere evidence or the lack of it were a significant factor in our mother of democracies the Labour Party would never have undergone its antisemitism crisis and subsequent ideological cleansing, with fiscally disadvantageous consequences to all sorts of sensible and moderate persons.

Reform Begins at Home

Doubtless owing to some dirty work by immigrants and the like, the Farage Falange has somehow been deceived into giving the appearance of having said the thing that is not, and has thereby incurred a backhanded social media tribute from a parliamentary expenses claimant whose own Dear Leader promised change so as to deliver more of the same. Although the strutting Caudillo has repeatedly preached upon the perils of working from home, which causes unacceptable levels of idleness in the little people, his company has advertised for at least one regional Gauleiter with an offer of "home working with occasional travel." Of course, such non-ideological flexibilty of approach may simply indicate that the Falange is at last proving worthy of a permanent place in the mainstream of British politics; but it does rather go against the straightforward, no-nonsense demeanour in which the strutting Caudillo and his accomplices habitually trick out their nonsensical crookery.

Our History, Our Values, Your Service

Now wave the British bunting and put on your forties togs
To celebrate the plucky chaps who beat the beastly wogs:
In darkest days they stalwart stood and bravely bore the brunt,
While Communists were basking on the balmy Eastern Front.

Some celebrate the workers in the early days of May,
But British values favour those more given to obey:
Who'll always do the proper thing no matter where they roam,
And aid a genocide abroad or break a strike at home.

Take pride in our professionals who always need new toys,
And properly repay those Attlee-voting conscript boys:
They fought the fiendish Fascists in those gallant days of old,
And that's why you should rah-rah and do just as you are told.

Victor Britton

Religious Liberty

Even hideously mutated, radioactively diarrhoeic head-tribbles have a sense of humour, and the specimen squatting atop the Trumpster has never shown itself lacking in that department. The latest jolly jape to be defecated into the tangerine tribble-transporter's cranial cavity has caused some indignation at the Vatican, which apparently believes that the foregathering of some peculiar old men in scarlet dresses to elect one of themselves official deputy to the Deity is not a fitting subject for mockery. Equally solemn offence will doubtless be taken at the idea that the Church of Rome could ever be properly represented by a wealthy authoritarian sex pest with a penchant for persecution, a dislike for women's rights and a stern moral attitude towards the private lives of others.

Naming and Shaming - Now in Colour

Change with stability is the watchword of the moderately sensible, and the proposed improvements to the education watchdog's procedure for driving head-teachers to suicide are clearly no exception. Rather than a hierarchy of four crude value judgements comprising one or two words each, the new system will be a hierarchy of five nuanced value judgements comprising one or two words each, accompanied by a colour coding system with, as one would expect, a red card option for the convenience of journalistic lynch mobs. Despite the fact that there could potentially be eight to ten such conveniences per school inspection, the National Association of Head Teachers has reacted with all too predictable ingratitude, filing for judicial review and calling into grave question the status of its members as genuine working people.

There is No Such Thing as an Unarmed Arab-Feeder

Unless it fell victim to the habitual treachery of the Palestinian Untermenschen, a ship carrying humanitarian aid to Gaza has been drone-bombed and crippled in the sacred name of the Righteous State's self-defence. Humanitarian aid is not permitted in Gaza, because in the honest and disinterested view of the Netanyahoo régime it is used for nefarious and terroristic purposes; hence a fortunate section of international waters has apparently had the honour of being temporarily declared a legitimately defensible outpost of Greater Israel. In reporting the glorious outcome, Britain's leading liberal newspaper is considerate enough to remind its readers that the cleansing of the Gaza ghetto was provoked by the attacks of October 2023, which self-evidently were not provoked by anything, and only an antisemite and a traitor to liberal values would dare to assert the contrary.

Braced for the Big One

Mere scientists have computed that there is a fifteen per cent chance of a major earthquake off the west coast of the USA within the next fifty years, and a little less than a thirty per cent chance by the end of the century. The region has long braced for such an event, whatever that may mean; in Standard English it usually denotes something along the lines of being intermittently conscious of a potential disaster in waiting while squealing with indignation at any taxes that might help to mitigate it. Anticipating such populist peer reviews, the researchers note that the anticipated earthquake's effects would be similar to those caused by the Heathen Chinee climate hoax, only considerably less subtle and insidious. How far the availability of abortion or the gratuitous non-transportation of undesirables to concentration camps in El Salvador may affect the Deity's decision to whip up a cleansing tsunami remains as yet unclear; but forward-thinking residents of Washington and California will doubtless be mindful that Canada is not far distant and is set to become increasingly temperate where not altogether submerged.