Due Process

One of the fundamental British values is, of course, that prison sentences should always be longer; and the Secretary of State for Wog Control has zealously enforced that value in the case of a Nigerian asylum seeker with schizophrenia. Originally jailed last October and scheduled for release eight months ago, the man withdrew his claim for asylum shortly before he was due to get out, so the Home Secretary kept him in jail pending deportation. Lawyers then told the Home Secratary that he hadn't understood what he was signing, so his claim for asylum was reinstated and the Home Secretary kept him in jail pending deportation. Three months ago a tribunal granted him immigration bail, but since no suitable accommodation was available the Home Secretary has kept him in jail for vagrancy. Since there seems every chance that continued detention will worsen his mental health, it is to be hoped that the culprit will eventually take the hint and not force the Ministry for Wog Control to undermine the dignity of the State still further by pressing the Palestine Action charge of unspecifiable terroristic hanky-panky.

Wretched Refuse

Remarkable as it may seem, there is at least one respect in which the race-baiting faction of the British political establishment (viz. the entirety of the British political establishment) differs materially from its envied and emulated counterpart in the United States. To wit: the Trumpster administration has deported seven whole migrants to Rwanda, which is seven more than His Majesty's Government was ever able to manage. Doubtless with the benefit of some polite perspectival adjustment courtesy of the nice people at Immigrant Curtailment and Ejection, three of the seven have expressed a wish to return to their own countries while the others ask nothing better than to take advantage of the accommodation, healthcare, and training opportunities which the Rwandan government claims to provide. No less than the British political establishment, the United States government largely begrudges providing such things to its own citizens, let alone to the unauthorised bearers of debilitating foreign melanin. But never let it be thought that His Majesty's Government has resigned itself to falling behind in the migrant-bashing race: the Ministry for Wog Disposal has brought in moderate and sensible economy-growing measures to prevent asylum seekers spending their pittance on luxury goods as well as on various selected necessities.

Just Pursuing Orders

As His Majesty's Government prepares to recognise a Palestinian state, albeit without recognising any right of such a state to self-defence, independent policy-making or its own airspace, Team Starmer has further demonstrated its moral fortitude by supplementing the empty gesture with an empty half-gesture. Representatives of the Israeli government will not be invited to a forthcoming biennial rah-rah for the international arms trade in London; but Israeli arms companies will be permitted to attend, in accordance with the sensible and moderate doctrine that governments are no more than middle management protecting the real people against their rebellious serfs. As when the beastly French implied that the Righteous State is subject to rules, the ban has elicited squeals of righteous indignation, this time alongside an intriguing reiteration of the Nuremberg defence that political decision-making and military professionalism should be subject to a strict and unyielding apartheid.

Burning Priorities

As might be expected given the past fourteen months of Change™, Team Starmer has confirmed that it will continue the Conservative policy of throwing money at a renewable energy supplier whether or not the energy it supplies is actually renewable. Aptly named after the villain in one of the sillier James Bond films, Drax has already been fined twenty-five million for pushing inaccurate data; so now that a further investigation has begun, His Majesty's Government is naturally concerned to compensate the company for its falling share price by allowing it to fleece the taxpayer for as much as seems convenient. A spokesbeing proclaimed that Drax will need to behave more sustainably in future, although it remains as yet unclear what sanctions and penalties will be imposed should it decide that on the whole it would really rather not. After all, Team Starmer didn't get where it is today by worrying about whether private corporations tell the truth.

Thanks for Your Great Glory

Two children have been killed and fourteen injured, along with three adults, in a Mass shooting in Minneapolis. A gunman apparently fired a rifle through the church windows as the ceremony was being conducted, while the Deity to whom the congregation was grovelling sat serenely back as usual and twiddled His omnipotent thumbs. The state governor was forthright in brushing away talk of thoughts and prayers, and does not seem to have been mindful of the just and holy doctrine that children too are tainted with Original Sin and that everything will be all right in the end for some people.

Barracking in Beirut

The Trumpster administration's ambassador to Turkey and special envoy to Syria has done his monarch credit with an outstanding display of sledgehammer imperial diplomacy. After a meeting with the Lebanese president, the indignitary lectured a roomful of noisy journalists with schoolmistressy sternness, ordering them not to become "animalisic" and proclaiming that the whole miserable story of regional obstructionism towards the Pax Netanyahoo can be attributed to lack of proper deportment in the Press. While organisations representing journalists, photojournalists, editors and the Party of God breathed the flame of the righteously indignant, the Lebanese government quietly dropped coals with an expression of regret at "remarks made inadvertently," implying that the poor half-wit just couldn't help himself.

Not the Way We Do Things

While Team Starmer continues to make uncompromising moral noises over the ongoing final solution to the Palestinian problem, the Dutch foreign minster has merely resigned over his government's refusal to impose sanctions against the Righteous State. In the Netherlands as in the United Kingdom, an uneasy coalition of centre-right and hard-right has formed a caretaker administration until the far right is ready to resume its rightful place; but the stakes for the Dutch foreign minister and his colleagues are arguably somewhat lower, as their term is only until October and not until 2029. Meanwhile the shade of Anne Frank is no doubt relieved that her modern counterparts in the Netanyahoo administration have been spared further inconvenience.

Their Natural Inclinations

It is no doubt a measure of Kemi Badenoch's intelligence and sensitivity that she is surprised at the levels of racism and sexism in the openly racist and sexist party which she campaigned to lead. Women rise in the Conservative Party by marrying rich and tacking hard-right; members of ethnic minorities rise in the Conservative Party by tacking hard-right and acting up to the thuggish, greedy or dim-witted stereotypes with which the party is comfortable. Badenoch, who apparently aims to cater for same angry white male Farage Falange demographic that preoccupies Team Starmer, has previously dismissed suggestions that the country is institutionally racist, and now claims that "there are people out there who will ... throw whatever kind of mud at you and they will hope that it sticks." In the Conservative Party it seems they will do so even when mere reality has shown you to be a liar, a hypocrite, an immigrant and not terribly good at your job.

Gathering Dust

The Resurrectionist goes plying
Without ado his simple trade;
Material is always dying
And got with nothing but a spade.
Edward Gorey

Concerns are rising about the novelty trade in human remains, on the grounds that certain entrepreneurial souls are acquiring bits and pieces illegally for sale. In cases of recent death, such practices may annoy those survivors of the deceased who are atavistic enough to equate dead meat with human beings; and this very superstition seems to be the reason for the legal loophole that permits human remains to be possessed or sold even when illegally exhumed. British justice looks sternly upon the use of the living as chattels, although their material living conditions may be bought, sold and despoiled at the convenience of whoever can afford it. By similar reasoning, dead bodies are not considered property under UK law and cannot be owned or stolen; on the other hand, it is a crime to desecrate a grave because that would mean vandalising real estate.

Our Civilising Influence

Although the Kingdom of Siam never received the full benefits of western colonisation (Britain and France preferred using some of it as a buffer zone to spare one another the risk of unprofitable conflict), British values nevertheless appear to have made a healthy contribution to the Kingdom of Thailand's national culture. Thailand's various patriotic statutes serve much the same democratic purpose as Britain's laws against terrorist offences known only to the Government, and a former prime minister's dynastic heiress is awaiting a verdict on her alleged and thoroughly British offence of showing undue respect to a neighbouring country. Meanwhile, not only has the former prime minister himself been exonerated of lèse-majesté, but the courts have taken ten years to reach the decision. Obviously this does not quite measure up to the British system whereby the powerful are held to account posthumously or not at all; but it's a commendably plucky effort.

Or Else With Knobs On

Only twenty-two months into the Righteous State's final solution to the Palestinian problem, and mere decades into its illegal occupation of the territories, Britain's Minister for Lesser Breeds has joined an international chorus of huffing and puffing over the latest stage of the cleansing. The Netanyahoo régime's ambassador has been summoned and subjected to actual words over plans to colonise the West Bank and attack Gaza City, which may yet provoke His Majesty's Government to issue formal recognition of a Palestinian state. Obviously, an independent Palestine's right to self-defence would not be quite so sacred as Israel's, its legitimate security concerns presumably ranking somewhere between those of Iran and those of North Korea; while veto power over who could form its government would remain with the Righteous State and its paymasters in Washington. If that doesn't focus the Netanyahoo's mind on ceasefires and two-state solutions, His Majesty's Government may even be pushed to huff and puff a bit more.

Compulsory Paganism

State schools in Texas cannot yet be compelled to display the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Several Christian states have attempted to enact such a law, and Texas is the largest and latest to fail, at least until the god-bothering howler monkeys of the United States Supreme Court are required to jabber out a ruling upon the matter. Campaigners for the repeal of the First Amendment cite the founding influence of the Ten Commandments on the US judicial and educational systems, whereby the Fifth Commandment prescribes capital punishment, the Second Commandment praises the Statue of Liberty and the Lincoln Memorial, and the Tenth Commandment proclaims the merits of aspirational consumerism in a competitive market. Even so, thanks to the Satanic machinations of that very same judicial system, it remains non-compulsory even in Texas to display before schoolchildren a document that implicitly endorses slavery and explicitly lists wives as possessions of their husbands.

Peace in our Taiwan

Anyone who fails to vote the Trumpster and his head-tribble a third, or even a lifetime, term as Murca's Monarchs will be guilty of gambling with the liberty of plucky little Formosa. We have the Trumpster's word that he has Xi Jinping's word that as long as the Trumpster remains in office the Heathen Chinee will refrain from taking back the province where Chiang Kai-shek set up his glorious tin-pot dictatorship. Defenders of democracy and enthusiasts for a Pacific war have traditionally taken a dim view of Heathen Chinee hopes for reunification, although China's claim on the island is of slightly more recent vintage than the Biblical title deeds which the YHWH property agency granted the Righteous State. Nevertheless, Xi also allegedly told the Trumpster and his head-tribble that the Heathen Chinee are very patient, so even a lifetime term may not provide sufficient security to put the arms trade at risk of recession.

Their Nasty-Clothes Stolen, the Dunce's Cap Remains

One or two Conservative expenses claimants have apparently developed some sort of allergy to looking silly. The problem has arisen because of a social media campaign by the boffins at jolly old headquarters, attacking Team Starmer for not treating asylum seekers badly enough; when in fact Team Starmer, as befits an avatar of Change™, is treating them exactly as badly as the Conservatives did. Consequently the all-important Farage Falange demographic is almost exactly as enamoured of the Conservatives as it is of Team Starmer, which is so embarrassing for both of them that even some Conservative MPs are beginning to suffer vague inklings of unease about their gravitas - and this less than a decade after the Brexit vote, and only slightly more than half a decade after electing Boris Johnson their leader, and a scant three years after electing La Truss as his successor. Perhaps intimidated by these quicksilver intellects, the party chairbeing agreed that the offending advert was a matter of concern and then proclaimed that it would not be deleted.

Political Politeness

You should never kick a centrist on the shin,
For that would be an antisocial sin:
To make him yelp and shout
While hopping all about
Is surely not the proper way to win.

You should never smack a Tory round the chops,
For he only wants low tax and bigger cops;
And when you slap his jowls,
His squeals, complaints and howls
May make him doubt that he is quite the tops.

You should never kick a centrist in the gut;
For it isn't a polite way to rebut
His ever-present urge
To have another purge
Of those who fail to cheer the welfare cut.

You should never punch a fascist in the face,
For he only wants to save the master race;
And when you up and slug him
It is liable to bug him
And put him off his patriotic pace.

You should never kick a centrist in the crotch
As it limits his capacity to watch
For immigrant attacks
By making him relax
His necessary vigilance a notch.

You should never hurt these democratic souls
Nor bludgeon them with nasty weighted polls;
But vote and be delighted
At how they're all united:
How moderate and sensible their goals.

Samuel Grimsnipe

Navigational Error

Fiendish machinations are afoot to ban traditional Mercator cartography and substitute an ideological woke map of the world. Despite the racial handicap of being born near the festering heart of what would one day become the beastly Strasbrussels dictatorship, the sixteenth-century Flemish cartographer Gerardus Mercator attained sufficient cultural objectivity to create an image of the world which put Great Britain at the centre and kept the little peoples in their place. Now the African Union is supporting a campaign to replace Mercator's map with one based entirely on mere territory, as opposed to moral and civilisational magnitude. The implications of a map which confines itself to depicting crude physical space speak for themselves: if this primitive and xenophobic tendency is not soundly defeated, children of the future could grow up believing that the European Union matters more than England Herself, or even that Westminster is less important than Nigeria.

Lords Reform

Having squealed and whined their way into vast numbers of local council seats, many patriotic cadres of the Farage Falange have found themselves disinclined to cope with the workload; hence it is only natural that the strutting Caudillo should squeal and whine for them to be placed in the House of Lords. Many peers dutifully bank their stipend while showing up nearly as often as the Caudillo himself holds surgery in happy little Clacton; and by the nature of our Mother of Democracies the Falange is eminently suited to rub ermines with such titans of public service as David Cameron's hairdresser and the nice young lady who did something unspecified to oblige Boris Johnson. As Team Starmer's resident constitutional expert, the Minister for Wog-Bombing and Profitable Genocide has dismissed the idea: partly on the peculiar grounds that the Caudillo wants to fill the Lords with his cronies, as if the Lords served any significant constitutional purpose other than precisely that; and partly on the moderate and sensible grounds that the Caudillo is an apologist for Tsar Vladimir rather than for the Trumpster and his head-tribble or for the Righteous State. Even so, the minions of the strutting Caudillo must surely be entitled to one or two places at the trough, if only in recognition of their extensive contributions to Team Starmer's rhetoric and practice on immigration and asylum.

Pray Notice, O Posterity, Mine Humble Unpretentiousness

Some of the literati are taking the business of writing for the ages to another level, and incidentally giving at least one each of their opera a chance at escaping the AI plagiarism machine. Specially written texts are being preserved in a special room in the public library at Oslo, to be locked away for eighty-nine years. Of course it's deeply humble of the Authors to imagine that there will still be readers by that time; let alone readers who can be imagined and catered to nine decades in advance, and who are worthy of such special attention.

Distractingly Dignified

Almost fifty thousand public institutions have courted controversy, accusations of un-Britishness and possible terrorist status by snubbing the king as if he were an actual public servant. Whoever was leading the Conservatives at the time of the accession charged the taxpayer several million to provide pictures of the old duffer wearing resplendent Ruritanian togs and a constipated expression, to be displayed for the patriotic edification of local council workers, university staff and students, hospital staff and patients, and the shirkers and idleness police at employment emporia. According to one Conservative sycophant, the idea was to remind the great unwashed of the "example set by our ultimate public servant," in the hope that they would go and do likewise on a slightly smaller budget and with slightly fewer personal attendants. A little over two-thirds of institutions showed a sensible degree of interest, viz. none whatever; and the current administration is very charitably refusing to disclose which organisations did and did not take up the offer, on the grounds that justifying a decision either way would distract them from their work.

Denied Three Times

Well, here's a novelty: a Christian youth pastor has been arrested on suspicion of child molesting, and it has only taken a decade and a half for the matter to come to light. Churches such as those of England and Rome, where it is considered gentlemanly to wait until the suspect is dead and his protectors either ga-ga or sufficiently close to retirement that stepping down means little more than the chance to make a funny in the House of Lords, will be shocked at the unseemly haste of the proceedings. Among other heavenly games, the suspect allegedly persuaded his teenaged charges to accept kisses on the mouth because that was how the Saviour did it; although whether he could qute chapter and verse on the methods and techniques of messianic osculation remains as yet unclear. Guilty or not, it seems he is melanin-challenged enough to merit due process and a presumption of innocence, and the statements of his fellow Christians have provided a fine object-lesson in brotherly faith: they had dumped him months before he was arrested, they last heard of him fifteen years ago, and he was never really one of them anyway. Their thoughts and prayers, for all the good those will do, are with the victims; it would hardly be Christian to waste any on the accused, especially in a church community where abuse has had almost no place at all since the last time somebody was caught at it.

Swarming Hordes

Large delegations of British parliamentarians have done their bit for the nation by shutting down a nuclear power plant belonging to the beastly French. Strong in numbers despite their famous lack of backbone, the representatives of the people's will blocked the water intake that cools the reactors. All four of the plant's reactors eventually had to be shut down, thus demonstrating the inefficiency of state-owned energy providers when confronted with true democracy.

Politically Satirical Menu Items

As befits all true followers of Almighty God, the Trumpster administration does not scruple to persecute its own. Numerous unfortunates who voted tangerine in the belief that only the unworthy immigrants would be targeted have suffered an icy awakening, including one vendor of political patties who runs a chain of Trumpster-themed burger emporia in Texas. To the felony of outstaying his welcome the miscreant added that of allegedly marrying a woman but possessing no proof of cohabitation, so the authorities can't even be certain that he enforced her obedience or prevented her undergoing forbidden medical procedures. According to the restauranteur, about ten per cent of the charges against him are true; which is at least ten per cent more truth than the minions of the Trumpster and his head-tribble usually find necessary.

They Come Over Here, Read Our Epitaphs

Patriots with legitimate and understandable concerns about the state of British academia will rejoice that the Ministry for Wog Control has not rested content with merely refusing university access to beastly paying foreign students. A Canadian researcher who has lurked in London cemeteries for over a decade is at last about to be cleansed from our shores after she failed to renew her visa during a thirteen-week hospitalisation. The Ministry for Wog Control has pointed out that medical conditions and a desire to remain are not exceptional circumstances, although the latter is presumably becoming rarer in the face of ever-escalating levels of British hospitality, tolerance and decency. Perhaps most fatally for her own case, the invader has said in public that Government policy is "at odds with their own and Prime Minister Starmer's priority of attracting and retaining highly qualified professionals." Surely the time is long past when anyone with genuine respect or sympathy for British values would conflate the Government's stated priorities with its real ones.

They Still Have Much to Learn

Black ingratitude over the transatlantic work ethic is once more rampant in the Caribbean, where the island of Grenada is emulating beastly Barbados, back-stabbing Belize and treasonous Trinidad by openly subverting the British royal family. Like other nations in the increasingly insubordinate Caribbean, Grenada is pushing for reparations over the slave trade, just because the British royal family happened to be involved in it; almost as if hereditary privilege might somehow imply hereditary responsibility, in defiance of all proper royal precedent. In equally grotesque defiance of all proper democratic practice, the government and opposition of Grenada have now united over something other than wog-bombing or selling off public assets for private profit, and have agreed to amend the constitutional pledge of allegiance. Rather than swearing loyalty to the British monarch and their heirs and successors, citizens will now be required to pledge themselves to, of all things, their own country.

Pork Britannia

Astoundingly enough, despite several years' rule by the Bullingdon Club's glistening pink porkers, and despite the current prevalence in the nation's life of the Farage Falange's fatted squealers, Britain's supermarkets have somehow managed to remain full of toxic pig meat. In a fine example of culinary Britishness, customers are being protected against food poisoning by bumping up the risk of bowel cancer. The apocalyptic erosion of our national character by the decrees of the Strasbrussels health-and-safety dictatorship apparently never got around to British ham and bacon, in which carcinogenic nitrates are still at world-beating levels nearly ten years after the Hamas-run World Health Organisation vindictively declared them unsafe. Given that the CEO of Team Starmer looks, acts and speaks like something carved from a rather poor-quality but nevertheless thoroughly boiled block of solid pork, there seems little doubt that this eminently patriotic situation will be allowed to contine for the foreseeable future.

Unprovoked

In a thoroughly Free World™ definition of an unprovoked attack, a Texan game hunter has been killed by a South African buffalo, despite his intentions towards the animal being no more than to shoot it dead and have his photograph taken grinning over its remains. He had as yet not even wounded the buffalo, so there was really no excuse for the pre-emptive charge. Apparently the South African Cape buffalo has a murderous and alien culture which results in several deaths among the people trying to kill it for fun every year, leading to a reputation more fearsome than any other species on the planet, including the great white shark, the salt-water crocodile, the king cobra and the gun-toting twit.

Her Pedigree

She isn't from Nigeria, she'll fight who says she is;
And those who contradict will feel her fist upon their phiz.
She has no hint of kinship with those fiends from foreign lands;
She's let her passport lapse just so the whole world understands.

She never has gone near the place, in fact she'd rather die;
She couldn't find it on the map and wouldn't care to try.
She may have been to Lagos, but it doesn't really count;
For sixteen years of childhood is a very small amount.

Unlike the common immigrant, she knows her proper place
As fully paid-up runner in the British master race:
She's working for prosperity and finding ways to win,
While bricking up the entrance that allowed her parents in.

Mike Tiberfoam

It Takes One to Smell One

Conservative councillors in the north of England have suddenly noticed some of the cutbacks in local services, and are squeaking with righteous indignation. A very large rat was discovered inside someone's home, and the local representatives of the sub-verminous party made haste to disassociate themselves from any social conditions that might have helped to bring about its appearance. As always, it seems to be mostly the fault of the filthy plebs and their feckless low-income choice of lifestyle, which causes the rats to seek more prosperous pastures among the hard-working families. Since all the relevant cutbacks must self-evidently have taken place within the past thirteen months rather than during the decade and a half of steady prosperity which went before, the Conservatives will doubtless leave no stone unturned, no opponent unblamed and no minority unsmeared in rooting out the culprits.

Summer of Love

Doubling down on one's crimes is the privilege of those who will never stand trial. When the USSR doesn't collapse, declare war on the USA; when Vietnam proves recalcitrant, assault Cambodia as well; when your genocide in Gaza needs a boost, try and start World War III with Iran. In a similar spirit of repentance and humility, the Church of Rome, whose record of nurturing the young makes Epstein-Maxwell Youth Services, Inc. look like something from Benjamin Spock, has declared a Jubilee of Youth. Accordingly, more than eight hundred thousand bags of buzzing hormones assembled outside Rome yesterday for a rock-star rah-rah with the Pope, which climaxed a week of church-approved festivities. Among the more spiritual of these were the assembly of two hundred confessional booths at the Circus Maximus, so that the devout could grovel to the god of Leo where their forebears were thrown to toothier lions; and a video message from la ducetta Meloni in honour of the close and long-held bond between the Church and Fascist Italy.

Prevention of Prevention of Prevention of Prevention

In the wake of the glorious victory against abortion, and doubtless in anticipation of further triumphs against divorce, equal pay, and speaking without being spoken to, the Trumpster administration has ordered the destruction of almost ten million dollars' worth of mostly female contraceptives. Acquired by USAID before its abolition by the Trumpster and his head-tribble at the beginning of the year, the murder weapons are in storage in Belgium and apparently scheduled for destruction in France, but the Belgian and French authorities are dragging their feet. Two international organisations have offered to purchase and distribute the instruments of ovicide themselves; but the Trumpster administration has refused, presumably out of the same concern for the American taxpayer that gave rise to all those tariffs. A State Department spokesbeing was at pains to reassure that no condoms or HIV treatments were at risk; so the ladies can at least be comforted by the White House having discovered that HIV can affect heterosexual males.

Moral Pressure

In the face of Team Starmer's reluctance to inconvenience the moisture provision profiteering industry (beyond threatening to give it another half-decade or so to think about things), a handful of expenses claimants have taken decisive action by urging Thames Water to do better; and in writing to boot. Twenty-seven MPs whose constituents are in the company's sewage distribution and bonus payouts sponsorship area have delivered a letter to Thames Water's director of executive motivation to demand that the private corporation behave like a public utility, or else suffer continuing disapproval. Given the famously tender conscience of private corporations in general and of the moisture provision profiteering racket in particular, this will doubtless prove almost as effective as such gestures usually do.