Sacred Size

Christian humility and quasi-British efficiency have combined potently in Barcelona, where the brown Lego magnum opus of the Venerable Antoni Gaudí is still under construction after a hundred and forty-three years. The tallest tower of the minor basilica of Sagrada Familia has just been made slightly taller, thereby making it taller than the previous tallest church in the world. The building, which is expected to take another decade or so to finish, has modestly refrained from claiming the coveted ecclesiastical title, despite having no other architectural or spiritual merits that the Associated Press considered worthy of mention.

Some Victims are Better than Others

Once more the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange has brought his hobnailed common sense to bear upon a sensitive subject, eliciting predictable ingratitude from the beneficiaries. Victims of grooming gangs who do not share the strutting Caudillo's opinions as to the remit of the Government's inquiry have received the same treatment as British citizens who do not meet the strutting Caudillo's idea of Britishness: he has simply decreed that they are not what they claim to be. Few would deny that when it comes to making false claims about oneself the former commodity trader and self-proclaimed man of the people knows whereof he speaks; but the women concerned do not seem to be taking his tough love in a very constructive spirit. Despite the fact that all the strutting Caudillo wants is a laser-like focus on rampant and randy foreign darkies, the women have demanded an apology for, of all things, ignorant and untrue statements, as if the Farage Falange had ever been inclined to give out any other variety. Perhaps significantly, no less a thug than Lee Anderson felt the need to temporise on the matter, declining to support his Dear Leader unequivocally even while proclaiming that the gals might benefit from a bit of grown-up conversation.

Another Subtle Shift

Although the great British nation cannot afford such luxuries as infrastructure, social housing or the National Health Service, there are always funds to spare for wog-bombing and migrant-bashing. Hence Team Starmer has followed up its sudden realisation that inappropriate racism is neither legitimate nor understandable with yet further change from Conservative policy to Conservative policy. The previous rabble were plotting to shunt asylum seekers from hotels to military barracks while denying that this would cost more; Team Starmer is plotting to shunt asylum seekers from hotels to military barracks while proclaiming the extra cost both nonexistent and a price worth paying. Apparently the idea is to restore public confidence by pandering to appropriate racism, though it remains as yet unclear whether the great British public or its common-sense embodiments in the Farage Falange will appreciate the nuance.

Our Only Error is Modesty

From breakfast clubs to genocide, the achievements of His Majesty's Government have been so spectacular that the great British public hasn't noticed them. Thus Wideboy Wesley Streeting, the Secretary of Sales for Health, has won widespread praise for his response to the recent deplorable events in Caerphilly, wherein he delivered constructive criticism of the Government's advertising. In its well-meaning zeal for austerity, migrant-bashing and rowing back on the green crap, Team Starmer has assumed that voters will rah-rah such measures purely on their merits; alas, many a managerial idealist has been crushed by the consequences of such otherworldly utopianism. Fortunately, the CEO of Team Starmer may still be able to save the situation provided he confines the Government's racism to practice rather than rhetoric and confines his sloganeering to words of two syllables or fewer.

Poverty Turbo-Propped

It's always edifying to see true British values in action, and the nation's most successful corporate war profiteer is once more doing us proud. BAE Systems has celebrated the forthcoming Remembrance Sunday rah-rah by retiring the commercial aircraft type that delivers humanitarian aid across eastern and central Africa. Having recently announced record profits thanks to the Russia-Ukraine war and the Righteous State's rampage against the Arab Untermenschen, BAE Systems is seeking to capitalise on global instability through Britain's ever-expandable wog-bombing industry; and since there are few more reliable destablising factors than poverty, starvation and disease, the company is doubtless to be congratulated for its joined-up approach to commerce.

Cancer Cured

His Majesty's Government has reacted with understandable caution to the nagging of mere scientists about the health risk from processed meat. It was ten years ago today that the World Health Organisation classified the chemicals in processed bacon and ham as leading to inceased likelihood of bowel cancer, and some experts have so far forgotten their place as to recommend that the Department for Profitable Healthcare should take, of all things, bold action to put compulsory warnings on the packaging regardless of the effect on corporate profits and future directorships. Predictably, a ministerial spokesbeing was extruded to proclaim that it was all just a theory; one can only imagine the cost to His Majesty's Government, and to Wesley the Wideboy in particular, should the public suddenly wake up to the idea that bland yet persistent pink pigflesh might have unpleasant and even dangerous effects upon the unwary consumer.

Hardly Unusual and Only Briefly Cruel

Justice has been visited upon a heinous felon in the Christian state of Alabama which, given the ongoing shortage of drugs for lethal injection, has resorted to suffocation by gassing. Those who object that the eighth amendment to the constitution of the United States forbids cruel and unusual punishment were reminded that this does not amount to a guarantee of painless death; although the federal judge who made the ruling did at least have the good grace to acknowledge that death by suffocation may involve "discomfort, panic and emotional distress." Fortunately, the case against this particular felon was unencumbered by the testimony of mere experts, and his melanin content was appropriate to the constitution's relevance being at best debatable.

Eco-Warriors

Should the Trumpster and his head-tribble finally forsake the pacific zeal of the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation, the remnants will have only themselves to blame. An offensively woke cabal of retired senior officers has called for investment in renewable energy both domestically and overseas, on the patently simple-minded grounds that increased global stability would constitute less of a threat to national security than its opposite. The group even goes so far as to hint that military budgets might be better expended on such things than on the kind of new toys with which ministries of war customarily facilitate the supreme sacrifices of their plucky little servicepersons. Governments in the Free World, assuming they pay any attention at all, will most likely be somewhat disturbed at the endless naïvety of the military mind, which still seems to imagine that any NATO member's national security planning ought somehow to be concerned with national security.

Diplomatic Economy

In light of the pressures facing the British taxpayer, His Majesty's Government has very prudently decreed that the expense of inflicting the Trumpster, his head-tribble and their slimy little henchman on Scotland during the summer should be borne entirely by the Scottish taxpayer. The Trumpster and his head-tribble were accommodated at a cost of some twenty-one million, while putting up the vance-poxident cost a perhaps unduly flattering seven times less. His Majesty's Government is framing the visits as holidays; and since the Trumpster seems to have given most of his time and attention to his golf courses this presumably counts as more appeasement diplomacy, evading punitive tariffs by nodding along with the Trumpster's own view of the event. Meetings with the president of the EU Commission and with the CEO of Team Starmer constitute a purely incidental detail for the Trumpster and his head-tribble, so naturally they are equally if not more incidental to His Majesty's most allied and obliging Government. Equally, the fact that Scotland elected only twenty-one Labour MSPs and only one from Labour's policymakers at the Farage Falange surely indicates that Scottish taxpayers need to learn some hard lessons about grown-up politics and legitimate concerns.

Category Error

Christian pressure groups in Australia are understandably concerned at the threat of new laws to protect the vulnerable and gullible against abuse and exploitation. Testifying before a parliamentary inquiry into cults, advocates of the true faith pointed out that laws targeting trans-bashing, gay-baiting, the promulgation of myths and conspiracy theories as infallible truths, and even the extortion of money through emotional blackmail would be very dangerous from a theological perspective. While it is regrettable that persecuted Christians seem as reluctant as ever to abide by their Saviour's injunction to rejoice and be exceeding glad, it's certainly reassuring that some have progressed far enough to admit that the only substantive difference between a cult and a real religion is population size.