Not Who We'd Care to Admit We Are

Legitimate and understandable as some concerns may be, especially to people who are worried about living on an island of strangers, there still have to be limits if economic growth is to be sustained, the Righteous State successfully defended and the beastly foreigns kept from our sacred shores. Thus the CEO of Team Starmer has proclaimed, in the wake of yesterday's far-right rally, that the English flag is not to be surrendered to those who would use it as a symbol of violence, fear and division. The CEO of Team Starmer famously has a house full of English flags, none of which are symbols of anything but pride in tolerance, diversity and respect for anyone who doesn't argue that skin colour might be a factor in racism or that something which looks like a genocide, sounds like a genocide and has been extensively advertised by its perpetrators as a genocide might in fact be a genocide. Meanwhile, in an encouraging victory for law and order, the Metropolitan Police arrested twenty-four out of the hundred-and-something thousand non-supporters of Palestine Action who were present.

O Ye of Little Faith

It is a truth not quite universally acknowledged, that the vast majority of Christians have not read the Bible, do not follow the teachings of Jesus, and have no real belief in their own or their loved ones' prospects of Paradise. They do not love their enemies, they do not forgive those who sin against them, they do not rejoice at being slandered and persecuted, and they do not do good to their persecutors. The widow of the late lamented Charles James Kirk is no exception: her ignorance of the Gospels is such that she appears to believe Jesus was sent to bring families together, and she seems positively irritable at the fact that her husband has been so promptly and painlessly transported to Heaven. She showered effusive praise upon the Trumpster and his slimy little henchman, and pledged to continue her husband's spiritual yet palpable warfare against the different and the disobedient; and in this at least she has faithfully emulated her Lord and Saviour, who promised to rain fire and brimstone upon the unworthy, and whose Father set up an eternal concentration camp for everyone He disliked.

Tough Choices

For the true British patriot, there can be few choices tougher than that between racism and banging people up; yet Team Starmer and its policy-makers in the Farage Falange have somehow contrived to impose exactly that cruel dilemma. Prison officers sponsored to migrate from overseas are to be expelled from the mainland because their wages aren't high enough: an outstandingly British arrangement which could remove a thousand staff from His Majesty's criminal warehousing and retribution service just as thousands of terrorists are supporting Palestine Action. Since bringing back the death penalty for practically everything will presumably have to wait until British law is no longer encumbered by human rights, it remains as yet unclear whether Team Starmer's solution will be compulsory carceral service for unemployed teenagers, or recycling all the luxury hotel space which is soon to be vacated and filling it up with less heinous criminals than the average asylum seeker.

Wales and Gnashing of Teeth

It's all kicking off again at Bangor Cathedral, where the previous culture of being almost interesting has run into a bit of a hangover. Management has decided that the old régime of sex, booze and bad language must be atoned for in the traditional British manner, by sacking a lot of the little people and reducing the wages of the survivors. Since poverty and obedience apparently have no place in Wanglican Christianity, the choir responded to the penance with a protest song and then walked out. Such irreverence was all the more traumatic for taking place during the solemn and sacred rite when a dead Palestinian fundamentalist magics Himself into cheap wine and wafers; and the choir has been suspended for a month to meditate upon its transgressions. Management also recommends that everyone pull together for the sake of the Gospel, which might well fall into disrepute should expendable Christians fail to accept their martyrdom cheerfully enough.

Mysterious Oversight

Thoughts and prayers will be reverberating through the celestial switchboards, presumably as effectively as ever, after an ally of the Trumpster and his head-tribble fell victim to a tragic misinterpretation of the Second Amendment. The unscheduled projectile absorption incident has already elicited the usual pieties about violence having no place in the country of the weekly school shooting, the Immigrant Cleansification Executive and the proposed occupation of various cities by National Guard peacekeeping forces. It remains as yet unclear whether there were fine people on both sides of this particular assassination attempt, but the state governor has pledged that "those responsible will be held fully accountable;" so doubtless Baby Jesus will have questions to answer about why He failed to find an expendable into whom the bullets could be redirected.

Flab Trimmed

It's all very well to whinge and whine about food banks and zero-hours contracts, but today's tough economic circumstances can lead to genuine hardship even for those who aren't little people. Since he paid his dues by driving the economy through the floorboards and setting the stage for the Brexit calamity, George Osborne's time has been spent slithering sadly from sinecure to sinecure, and he is now not even expected to collect a windfall payment from the take-over of the investment bank which he favours with his glistening presence between bouts of online rah-and-blah alongside the equally appealing husband of Yvette Cooper. In laudable accordance with the investment bank's duties towards its stakeholders, Osborne is to move into a part-time role because everyone has agreed to let him spend plenty of time out of their company.

Giving Something Back

Researchers have discovered that rich people who profited by the transatlantic slave trade also contributed to the hardships inflicted on poor people in Britain. As believers in the virtues of working hard and playing by the rules, slave traders invested time and money in the workhouse system, whose inmates earned moral redemption by producing textiles and caulking for slave ships and their merchandise. One researcher noted that profitable incarceration in the workhouse system might be linked to profitable incarceration in modern prisons and wog warehousing emporia, although more work will be required to certify the legitimacy of the comparison. Doubtless with his funding in mind, the same researcher proclaimed that "we can't tell the story of British welfare (sic) without acknowledging its deep entanglement with empire and slavery" while wagging a circumspect finger at those who would suggest that some varied and slightly divergent schemes of forced labour for the profit of a wealthy few might have anything significant in common.

More Border, More Force

Since whipping an island of strangers into world-beating shape is necessarily a military concern, it's only natural that Team Starmer should be considering the use of military sites for wog warehousing. Deportations are being unnecessarily delayed; partly because the Conservatives and their Liberal Democrat enablers sacked most of the civil servants responsible for processing asylum claims, but mostly because the asylum seekers who run the deep state don't wish to give up their family values and their luxury hotel suites. Team Starmer is determined to remedy the situation, and has extruded the Minister for Wog-Bombing for a burble about setting up military boot-'em-out camps to purify the race even sooner than originally promised. Astoundingly, this seems unlikely to satisfy Team Starmer's policymakers in the Farage Falange, who would prefer to see the migrant menace concentrated in specially manufactured steel canisters. Presumably this option will come under consideration once Britain's economic growth has taken off and the country can afford to import the requisite items and pay landlords to set them up.

Old Men in a Hurry

As is only to be expected given its status as one of the largest and least accountable child abuse machines in modern history, the Church of Rome is itching to attract more young people. To that holy end, the Pope is about to canonise a teenage internet coder who died in 2006, alongside a youthful activist who died a century ago when his loving God blessed him with polio. The more modern saint is credited with having miraculously healed two people after his own funeral; the implication presumably being that any physicians who treated the beneficiaries were either unqualified or incompetent. Since idolatry is a sin, various bits and pieces are available for the pious to view in reinforcement of their faith, if also in defiance of the Saviour's clear injunction that the law and the prophets should be enough for anyone. Shockingly, the nascent cult is already being ruthlessly exploited by actual criminals, who are selling purported relics online as if faith alone could make them authentic.

Honest Don

So confident in their power are the Trumpster and his head=tribble that they remain unintimidated even by certain objective facts, provided the facts are sufficiently crude and impolite. Hence the reversal of the Orwellian re-branding which was imposed upon the Pentagon after the glorious victory at Nagasaki, in preparation for the purely defensive era that began with the genocidal assault on Korea and continued through Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, various crusades in Latin America and the Middle East, and threats of nuclear war over Cuba. Thanks to the head-tribble's messy economic policy, the idea that in certain contexts US military aggression might be considered aggressive had already begun to dawn even upon a few journalists; and no doubt the Department of War's reversion to its original rubric will precipitate further surprises.