Rolling In It

Rolls-Royce, that iconically British manufacturer of luxury vehicles and wog-bombing power, has just announced record profits and a substantial splurge for the shareholders; so naturally its chief executive considers this an opportune moment to demand a handout from the taxpayer. The money would be for a new commercial jet engine, which the company apparently hopes will enable it to break into a lucrative new market before the AI slop centre bubble bursts. Happily for the nation's new-found economic efficiency, Rolls-Royce is also building a small blanched radioactive pachyderm in Wales, for which the taxpayer has been charged two and a half billion and which is expected within five years to start making money for Rolls-Royce.

Safeguarding History

As usual, the greatest military heritage in the world is facing existential threat. A golden ram's head which was liberated by Britain's plucky little servicemen in 1874 now resides with the Royal Artillery, who are denying access to researchers and seem less than enthusiastic about following the example of certain museums and loaning looted artefacts back to the peoples they were stolen from. Partly the restrictions are for economic reasons, as the presence of civilian eyeballs near a military trophy cabinet would precipitate a rise in insurance premiums that could ill be afforded by a government which may soon be forced to conquer Russia and China in self-defence. But scarcely less important than money is the issue of national security. We all know that the best air force in the world can't keep its own bases secure enough to protect its aircraft from being chromatically terrorised; imagine the nation's peril should the best army in the world tempt the lesser breeds with a sight of the spoils of Empire.

Diplomatic Priorities

Apparently the Trumpster's and his head-tribble's choice of their ambassador to France is proving almost as brilliant as Team Starmer's recent choice of ambassador to the Trumpster. The beastly French summoned the great man over some comments made by the State Department about the demise of a fascist in a street brawl, but the great man had better things to do and sent an underling instead. Expectably for a Trumpster appointee to high office, the ambassador is a tax dodger related by dynastic marriage to the imperial family; he is also a real-estate mogul with, one presumes, some time-consuming personal commitments as regards obtaining advantageous access to vacant lots in Gaza and Greenland. The beastly French have responded to the missed meeting by allowing him even more time to himself; but the extent of the ambassador's and the State Department's gratitude is not as yet a matter of public record.

Gallery Rogues

Doubtless emboldened by the judiciary's recent quibbling over the Palestine Action proscription, another terrorist cell has committed an outrage in the Louvre. An unflattering picture of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, Gentleman, was placed on display by activists of Everyone Hates Elon, a protest group specialising in the persecution of wealth creators, askers of genuine questions, tellers of forthright truths, and other repositories of real Britishness. It remains as yet unclear how far the beastly French intend co-operating with the mainland in bringing the conspirators to their merited imprisonment without trial; but since the group's very name is a slander upon the man who epitomises the moderate and sensible ideals of extreme wealth and linguistic automation, it seems unlikely that His Majesty's Government will be minded to leave the atrocity unchastised.

Corpus Sancti Francisci

No crazy cult is this we serve,
Nor marred with superstition's taint
While scientific arts preserve
Some patriotic bits of saint.

He gave his wealth to feed the poor,
And so in honour of his fame
We venerate these leavings; for
We have no plans to do the same.

Samuel Grimsnipe

Historical Decency

Some fetters to be auctioned in Scotland were used by beastly Arab slave traders around 1780, a mere century before their evil doings were halted by a coalition of the virtuous including the British Empire, whose own slave trade was no longer around to provide a moral example of how it should be done. The auction has been condemned as profiting from oppression, in ways that the retention of the Crown Jewels self-evidently does not; and the only suggested solution appears to be public interest stewardship, which sounds suspiciously difficult to translate into either patriotism or economic growth. Even so, the ethical-historical debate is no doubt encouraging. Since many of our great nation's public buildings and much of its statuary are linked in one way or another to the Atlantic slave trade, and since practically all of our remaining tatters of prosperity are linked in one way or another to human rights abuses in the present, nothing could be more British than to erupt in righteous indignation over the legal sale of an antique symbol for hard work and playing by the rules.

Not the Way We Do Things

Someone has made an anonymous donation worth over two and a half million pounds towards repairing the water pipes in Osaka. Admittedly, the gesture is a quixotic one - the money is in gold bars, and is enough to pay for the renewal of about a hundred and thirty-third of the city's antiquated system - but the donor's apparent obsession with mere infrastructure over the needs of moisture provision profiteers is surely a dangerous whim. City officials are stunned, as well they might be, at such anti-business and un-British conduct.

Without Prejudice

Thames Valley Police have arrested a pop-eyed purple manbaby from Norfolk and have subsequently released it upon its own congnizance. Officers are carrying out searches at various addresses, but although the suspect is from an immigrant family it is not thought likely at this point in time that police will find it necessary to implement any clandestine evidential augmentation measures. Since the alleged offence is the comparatively minor one of misconduct in public office, rather than anything so heinous as displaying words or being noisy in a manner liable to discombobulate His Majesty's Government, a lengthy period of imprisonment without trial is also not deemed necessary at this time. In view of the suspect's family connections, financial resources and racial profile, it is only fair to remind the public that contempt of court is a Very Bad Thing when committed by little people.

Tiger Economics

Those who rejoiced at Team Starmer's moderate and sensible rowing back on the green crap will doubtless be further gladdened by the continuing improvements wrought by the climate catastrophe. Tropical diseases are making their way into southern Europe; and the Asian tiger mosquito, which transmits the excruciating chikungunya virus, is likely to find a comfortable home among the real people before very long. The prolonged and severe joint pain which results from infection may impede shelf-stacking, soldiering and breeding little Britons, but could still prove beneficial for the economy in the long run, as it will provide a useful incentive for health industry customers to pay for the expensive vaccine. It is to be hoped that Wideboy Wesley Streeting and the other grown-up guardians of the nation's health will be sufficiently far-sighted to make the appropriate investments.

Who Could Possibly Have Foreseen It?

There is no pleasing some people, and various local authority malcontents who squealed with indignation at Team Starmer's proposed postponement of council elections are now squealing with indignation at the cancellation of the said postponement. The chair of the District Councils' Network even implied that a government which unilaterally endowed the Righteous State with the legal right to inflict collective punishment on civilians might have a less than altogether secure grasp on issues of law. Although several council leaders did shrug the matter off as a more or less routine fiasco, others are waxing indignant, having somehow failed to plan for the possibility that Team Starmer, of all the empty middle-management suits in the world, might proclaim a decision and then, in short order, be induced to decide otherwise.

Performative Virtue

Recent objections against actors pretending to be people they're not have been taken to a new level by a theatre audience in western Germany. An actor delivering a climactic monologue as a right-wing agitator was heckled, pelted and nearly assaulted by spectators who were apparently expecting something more anodyne from a play subtitled The Beauty of Killing Fascists. Doubtless those employing Nazi disruption tactics against what they presumably considered degenerate art were motivated by the best intentions, and will pass on their stage rage with alacrity when the polite young men from AfD arrive at their homes for a chat about what is only common sense.

A Cunning Stratagem

With the Heathen Chinee military suffering a degree of emotional instability after recent purges, the kingdom of the Trumpster and his head-tribble is stepping up its efforts to preserve liberty, truth and plucky little Taiwan. The ever more hilariously-named Central Intelligence Agency has reached out to its little yellow brothers in the hope of recruiting a traitor or two, and has shown uncommon cultural sensitivity in recording its propaganda videos in Mandarin. Beijing has removed several high-ranking officers from their posts on grounds of corruption, so it is to be hoped that sufficient numbers of useful Heathen Chinee will be aware that the risk of such persecution in the kingdom of the Trumpster and his head-tribble is considerably lower than the risk of being fatally shot by the racial purification militia.

Marching Back In

Look not at Mandy nor at me,
For that would not be fair -
Look over there instead, and see
That savage Russian Bear.

We may not like to integrate
With dirty Huns and Frogs;
But all must now co-operate
In fighting bigger wogs.

Our Brexit days were way back when,
So now we wish to be
Inside the good old club again,
If not to pay the fee.

Manly Scrapper

Seamless Britishness

In yet another political manoeuvre designed to defeat the Farage Falange by becoming the Farage Falange, the Ministry for Wog Control is to institute punitive measures against those who cannot make up their minds to be British. Starting on the eve of the Manchester by-election, people with dual nationality will be denied entry to the country unless they either have a British passport or pay a fine of £589 in return for a certificate of racial acceptability. Any foreign-born children of British citizens will also be treated as Euro-wogs by default until they demonstrate the proper degree of fiscal patriotism. Nevertheless, while this ministerial master-stroke has prompted an outcry from British expatriates resentful of being treated like immigrants, it remains once more unclear whether the Farage Falange will condescend to be appeased.

Transformative Moderation Within the Bounds of the Hypothetical

Whatever its troubles on the electability front, Team Starmer remains determined to push through its agenda for change; hence the announcement by Wideboy Wesley Streeting that years of below-inflation pay rises for NHS personnel are to be moderately and sensibly transmogrified with a below-inflation pay rise for NHS personnel. Since so many frontline NHS workers are immigrants, the imposition of another de facto cut will win over yet more Farage Falange voters with legitimate and understandable concerns about costs to the taxpayer; while the Labour membership's vision of Wideboy Wesley as a prince in waiting will be healthily tarnished by association with an unpopular parsimony. Displaying their usual skewed sense of priority, the unions have shown little appreciation for these subtleties, even though the pay rise is below the rate of inflation only from the limited and doubtless borderline-antisemitic viewpoint of current reality. When considered alongside a rate of inflation that is purely anticipatory and unencumbered by vulgar actuality, the Streeting largesse in fact stands quivering on the verge of the noticeable. Let's hope he hasn't gone too far.

Draped in Decency

Being a mere six hundred and seventy-seven million in debt, a Labour council has decided to increase the merriment of its taxpayers by dispensing grants of £500 for "community groups and parish councils" to put up flagpoles and fly the union jack and the cross of St George. The gesture is all the more sensitive in the wake of recent attempts by local patriots to burn asylum seekers alive in the name of those very same rags of rah-rah; and the excuse that the idea is to reclaim their symbolism for the nice people might sound less threadbare from a party whose leadership hadn't spent the last year and a half protesting that they are too deporting more wogs. One resident whose mosque was daubed for St George opined that the council "has no idea what it’s doing" - which, given the leadership's Island of Strangers rhetoric, seems more than a little uncharitable.

The Pleasure Without the Pain

It appears that not even the potential pleasures of a migrant-free zone are enough to persuade Europeans to risk detention, interrogation and summary execution by entering the Kingdom of the Trumpster. The number of Americans travelling to Europe also fell last year, although it remains unclear how far this was due to the threat of war over Greenland or to the belief that the continent had gone Muslim. Many of those forsaking the USA have opted instead for the United Arab Emirates, where an atmosphere of arbitrary government and capitalistic fundamentalism can be enjoyed without excessive risk to life and limb.

It Seemed So Commonsensical

Britain's liberation from the Strasbrussels yoke continues to throw up all manner of surprises, and the latest is that exports of farm products to the EU have declined by some forty per cent. According to the president of the National Farmers' Union, among the beastly Euro-wogs "there aren’t empty spaces on the shelves with a label saying 'waiting for British products'," which is typically unhelpful of them. Hence, contrary to all the most patriotic forecasts by the Farage Falange and its fellow travellers, it seems that cutting off our biggest and nearest trading partner has not as yet proved a particularly rapid route to national prosperity. Doubtless the straightforward British pragmatism of a future Farage Falange administration will speedily resolve the paradox.

Even Change Can Go Too Far

We are all aware by now that nobody who worked closely with Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring had the slightest idea that anything might possibly be amiss about him; and such innocence is particularly poignant in the case of the Minister for Poverty and Workfare, who dispensed some moral advice today. Since Lord Mandelbrot is too generous a beneficiary of the taxpayer's money to be considered a scrounger or a shirker, the minister and hurriedly-former ally recommended a voluntary refund of the payment he received as a reward for being sacked. Others are going further and calling for the resignation of the CEO of Team Starmer and even of the prime minister, Morgan McSweeney; but the Minister for Poverty and Workfare balks at such rashness. The idea of penalising a government functionary for being a serial crook is dangerous enough; but the idea of resignation on grounds of incompetence is well beyond the boundaries of the moderate and sensible.

Leaden from the Front

As is well known in moderate circles, one of the more sensible and sustainable ways of helping a national economy is to cut back on fripperies like public health. Accordingly, in the Kingdom of the Trumpster and his head-tribble the representatives of the real people have voted to cut spending on replacement of lead drinking-water pipes. Some have protested that any savings will be more than wiped out by the cost of the impact on health, as if the Trumpster and his head-tribble would allow anyone but the little people to incur expenses of that kind. Lead poisoning lowers children's intelligence, stunts development and causes higher blood pressure in adults; so from the electoral-religious point of view the policy is all advantage.

Don't Collide Your Bosons Before Counting Your Beans

With bluff British practicality very much to the fore, His Majesty's Government has extended the political establishment's brain drain to the less fiscally sustainable industry of scientific research. No country that holds education in such casual contempt as the United Kingdom can afford to care very much about science, and successive administrations have shown understandable wariness towards a discipline that concerns itself at best with mere facts, and at worst with expensive technologies that have little or nothing to do with either profitable population control at home or profitable wog-bombing abroad. Despite this self-evident common sense, young scientists are actively and perversely seeking to turn themselves into migrants among the Heathen Chinee or, worse yet, among the beastly Euro-wogs, rather than remaining to participate in the coming paradise of salesmen, soldiers and shelf-stackers.

Economical with the Climate

Given that His Majesty's Government has previously pledged more help for poorer countries in dealing with the climate catastrophe, it will come as no surprise that Team Starmer is once more rowing back on the green crap even though the Trumpster and his head-tribble have done the same. Having promised to help triple climate-related finance to the global plebs, our nation of plucky little pragmatists now plans a real-terms cut of some forty per cent. Doubtless the money saved will find a worthier use, whether in augmenting Palantir's incentives to improve the NHS or in providing appropriate bonuses for hard-working water company executives. True, Britain's security services have warned that the consequences of ecological collapse may not be entirely confined to the lesser breeds; but patriots of the Team Starmer calibre can hardly be expected to fall in with such flag-folding pessimism as that.

Fratelli d'empietà

Church authorities in Rome have ordered the decapitation of an angel in a fresco after an amateur restorer made it look like Giorgia Meloni. The worldly visage was scraped off overnight, and the Church has steered refreshingly clear of any pieties about not wishing to be associated with fascism, demagoguery or the "politics of division." Instead, the local cardinal proclaimed that sacred images should not be inappropriately exploited while their copyright belongs to Vatican Incorporated; while the parish priest complained that the rabble had come to view the icon rather than for the magical chunterings, like people attending a Nuremberg Rally for the torchlight instead of the speeches.

Unreliable Partners

Just when it seemed that the beastly Euro-wogs might be prepared to make themselves worthy of wog-bombing alongside the mainland, a potential crisis of conscience has been precipitated by the perfidious French. An investigating magistrate has summonsed two people over alleged attempts to hinder the delivery of humanitarian aid during the recent pacification of the Palestinian Untermenschen; one of the pair belongs to a group which even the Biden administration found too violent and extremist, although the Trumpster and his head-tribble have lifted the sanctions that were imposed. All this will gall the lily-white conscience of the CEO of Team Starmer; partly because it once again implies that some sort of choice must be made between partnership with the beastly foreigners and servitude to the kingdom of the Trumpster, but mostly because it also implies that activities on behalf of the Righteous State may be considered potentially criminal, rather than merely morally unacceptable enough to do absolutely nothing about.

Oh, Mandy

A shocking business, this:
Who ever would have thought,
With previous like his,
That Mandy could be bought?

He'd leg-hump the rich set
To statesmanlike degree;
Who could have known he'd get
Into bad company?

'Tis conduct far below
The standard we'd expected
Of anyone we know
From office thrice ejected.

Greer C Palmer

Life Goes On

Regardless of the unfortunate events in Minnesota, shootings at the other end of the Kingdom of the Trumpster seem to be proceeding much as usual. An attack on a Mardi Gras parade in Louisiana bore none of the virtues that distinguish your average fortnightly ICE assassination: none of the victims has died, video evidence is apparently to be considered evidence, and the Trumpster's local goon has branded the whole business horrific and unacceptable. In an equally routine and reassuring development, the said goon also urged thoughts and prayers as a cheap and convenient alternative to public health and gun control.