Reasonable Force

From a practical eugenic standpoint, it is expectable enough that those who manifest aggressive concern for the purity of the master race should take an equally robust attitude on family values; and so it has proven in the case of those who used the Southport child murders as the pretext for a pogrom against immigrants. Just over forty per cent of those arrested over last summer's spontaneous outbreak of patriotism had previously been reported for offences such as sexual assault, domestic abuse, bodily harm, stalking, breach of restraint and non-molestation orders, and generally not sparing the rod. A spokesbeing at the Ministry for Wog Disposal proclaimed the abuse suffered by women and girls a national emergency, but was oddly reticent about whether the culprits might have been led to such behaviour by legitimate and understandable concerns.

Cornerstones Must Know Their Place

Some people just can't take a hint, and despite several decades' special residence in the lower intestine of the White House and twenty-one months of unequivocal support for the Righteous State's final solution to the Palestinian problem, a foreigner with a funny name still seems to believe that international law applies to the master race as well as to the little people. The UN human rights commissioner has placed himself and his organisation in imminent peril of arrest, detention and a fourteen-year sentence on terrorism charges by stating that the proscription of Palestine Action is, of all things, disproportionate and unnecessary, despite the ongoing democratic crackdown on anyone using or displaying the words Palestine or action in a manner conducive to being arrested. Fortunately, a Team Starmer flunkey was on hand to reinforce that cornerstone of British democracy which is the right to protest as long as the police permit it and the Government doesn't mind; which has indubitably clarified matters no end.

Passing Gas for Fun and Profit

The wonders of private enterprise are on energetic display at British Gas, whose owner has decided to induce an artificial shortage next winter in order to boost its profits. Centrica wants to flog off its stored gas because energy bills are too low for comfort, so that the company has made a mere five hundred million in the first six months of the year. In a spectacular paroxysm of corporate Britishness, Centrica has also demanded a handout from the Government while denouncing a rival company for lack of financial resilience. Those who can't afford to heat their homes when the cold weather returns are presumably expected to warm themselves by glowing with grateful admiration.

We Don't Do Soft Power

After the roaring success of their efforts to continue and intensify the Conservatives' assault on the domestic poor and unwell, the grown-ups of Team Starmer are preparing to give foreign shirkers the same salutary treatment. Fishy Rishi used the pandemic as an excuse to cut the aid budget from a profligate seven-tenths of one per cent of national income to a princely five-tenths of one per cent; the grown-ups of Team Starmer intend cutting it to a prudent three-tenths of one per cent. A government impact assessment, prudently published just before the House of Expenses Claimants toddles off for the summer, indicates that cuts to spending on health and education will tend to have a detrimental effect on health and education; this of course is contrary to household budgeting, the national religion and the common sense of the past four and a half decades, and would therefore most likely be disregarded even if the proceeds from these particular cuts were not to be spent on wog-bombing.

Strength of Feeling

The pain of those unhappy lands
Doth make us wring our sweaty hands;
Our beady little eyes grow damp
To see a concentration camp.

As suffering grows more profound,
We make a disapproving sound;
But even though we do no more,
Our allies go on as before.

Intolerable though it be
To witness such indignity,
Still by some cruel whim of fate
Events remain indelicate.

Samuel Grimsnipe

Antisemitism in Antwerpistan

Present-day Belgium is, of course, a sad shadow of that plucky little nation whose involuntary role in the Schlieffen Plan precipitated Britain's glorious victory in the war to end almost all wars. Yet even the country's current sorry status as home to the festering capital of the Strasbrussels dictatorship is arguably a minor matter compared with the latest moral nadir, whereby the kingdom that once showed the Congo what private enterprise can do has revealed itself as yet another pawn of the insidious Palestinian Untermenschen. Two Israeli citizens have been briefly detained in connection with allegations of war crimes; and although they were released in time to prevent too many Holocausts being shrieked about this week, it does seem that the Belgian authorities have awarded themselves extra-territorial jurisdiction over alleged war crimes even when the allegations happen to concern the hallowed self-defence of the Righteous State. Whether His Majesty's Government intends having the kingdom of Belgium detained under the terrorism laws remains as yet unclear.

Good Business is Where You Recognise It

Vexatious legal controversies, whereby western corporations and the government of Israel are occasionally considered not to be above the law, have thus far hindered the exploitation of Palestinian reserves of natural gas; but an expert argues that if Palestine gained international recognition the Righteous State would have no motive or legal right (sic) to prevent the Palestinians joining their fellow Arab Untermenschen in carrying out their acknowledged racial function. Hence it appears that governments which formally recognised a Palestinian state might redeem the inherent antisemitism of their action by benefiting the fossil fuels industry and reducing the necessity for Israel to prevent aid getting through. What moderate or sensible person could fail to desire so economically viable an outcome? It is greatly to be regretted that some such considerations were not pointed out to the Third Reich before its own business model became fiscally unsustainable.

Policing By Consent

Northumbria police, who last year destroyed evidence on the off-chance that Team Starmer might keep the fiend Corbyn's pledge to hold an inquiry into the violence at Orgreave during the miners' strike of 1984-85 (a pledge rendered all the more keepable now that any senior officers involved are presumably too dead to face retribution), are mounting their own investigation into their own destruction of documents which might have been relevant to any case against themselves and which were therefore left in their own exclusive care. Doubtless, as always, those with nothing to hide have nothing to fear, and all the right people will be appropriately reassured.

Benign Condition Observed at White House - No Need to Panic, Medics Claim

As if all the nonsense over the Epstein files were not enough, the White House has now spawned a conspiracy theory about the Trumpster's legs. The official role of court physician is of course being squatted in by the Kennedy brainworm, so the Trumpster is understandably inclined to seek personal medical advice elsewhere. The royal physique has been examined by one Sean Prettybeard instead, and it seems the Trumpster's legs are subject to swelling which, if left unattended, might obliterate his bone spurs and with them all public record of his heroism in saving America from Vietnamese aggression. In ordinary mortals such swelling results from the veins lacking the necessary entrepreneurship to carry blood to the heart; but matters of mortal circulation hardly seem relevant when the patient's physical entity consists entirely of a super-sized fluorescent orange bladder inflated by the toxic flatulence of a rabid mutant head-tribble. Fortunately, treatment for chronic venous insufficiency can include such all-American pastimes as walking and losing weight, so even should the head-tribble take the diagnosis seriously it shouldn't cause anyone too much bother.

Cleaning Up

Those efficient people at Southern Water have joined other moisture provision profiteers in imposing a hosepipe ban, although doubtless some flexibility exists for consumers whose gardens can get by on raw sewage alone. In fact, so flexible are Southern Water that they have responded to a government prohibition on executive bonuses by awarding their fattest boardroom felid a double-cream fuck-the-plebs. A spokesbeing was extruded to proclaim, presumably with a straight face, that the wage inflation was merited because Southern Water have been doing such a wonderful job lately, and also that it wasn't really a bonus anyway because it was part of a long-term incentive scheme, actually. Whether any of the little people will be able to escape their thousand-pound fines under the rubric of tubular aqueous distribution systemics remains to be determined.

Values Can Go Down as Well as Plummet

Since the national religion forbids the stimulation of economic growth by putting money into the hands of those likely to spend it, His Majesty's Government has settled for a homeopathic remedy. Uncontrolled gambling did much to bring the country to its present lamentable pass, so more uncontrolled gambling should be just the thing to cure it. Accordingly, some of the tens of millions saved through the latest round of poor-bashing and cripple-kicking have been spaffed at an advertising agency in order that the little people may be induced to join in the fiscal frenzy. Simultaneously, Team Starmer has announced its intention to deregulate the casino and remove even the pitifully inadequate safeguards that were introduced when Jeremy Corbyn caused the 2008 meltdown; so nobody need fear the red tape that might prevent their losing as much as market forces require.

Useful Allies

There is still much that isn't known about the data breach by the Ministry for Wog-Bombing which led the Conservatives to slap a superinjunction on the issue, thereby preventing our free, fearless and cantankerous press from either reporting upon the matter or reporting that there was a matter upon which it was forbidden to report. It is unknown, for example, how far the data breach was due to the habitual Conservative preference for loyalty over competence; or to the British establishment's happy relationship with the Babbage calculatification engines; or to some enterprising employee at the War Office hoping to incentivise the Taliban to clear a few thousand potential immigrants out of the Government's way. In any event the affair went about as well as anything has gone during the few dozen Conservative administrations of the past half-decade; and thus the present Conservative administration has been left with the task of apologising for the admission of several thousand Afghans into the country without the Farage Falange being asked what it thought about the idea and without any immediate prospect of deporting them all to Albania. On the bright side, the cost has been on a scale "which makes a material difference to government spending plans," so Team Starmer now has several thousand new excuses for its plans to take money from the poor.

Painful Swellings in the Great American Groin

Like many mediaeval societies, the southern United States suffers from endemic plague; and the Christian state of Arizona has confirmed a recent death from the pneumonic form of the disease. The woke scientific mind virus remains active enough for blame to be laid upon the Yersinia pestis bacterium rather than upon Iran, the Heathen Chinee, or the Deity's wrath concerning excessively free and easy attitudes to female bodily autonomy; and citizens have even been warned against the perils of excessive contact with rodents, insects, wild dogs and other natural-born vectors of Trumpsterism. Doubtless the head-tribble, with the aid of its court physician the Kennedy brainworm, is already working to ensure that such elementary medical errors are not repeated.

Important to Humanity

Presumably in order to help absolve itself of being the educational, scientific and cultural wing of Hamas, UNESCO has added one of America's more spectacular cultural achievements to its list of world heritage sites. Two Khmer Rouge prisons and a killing field are to be ranked as a fitting twentieth-century contibution to the catalogue of human aspiration that includes the Great Wall of China, the Taj Mahal and Angkor Wat. Despite the official Hollywood recognition of the Cambodian catastrophe, the selection may well be controversial; not least because, unlike the colonisers of America and the Righteous State, the brutal communists of the Khmer Rouge did not aspire to genocide. They were not trying to exterminate the Cambodian people, merely to deliver them into a redeeming agrarian utopia: a patriotic urge akin to the British establishment's penchant for rewriting the history of the Second World War and kicking out the wogs, and having rather less in common with Marx and Lenin than with the more otherworldly reaches of Buddhism. It was doubtless this lack of appropriate ethnic cleanliness that prevented the Khmer Rouge being fully accepted into the international community until after its officially brutal communist régime acquired a measure of legitimacy through its heinous removal by the communist Vietnamese.

Let's Purge Again

Fifty-nine Labour backbenchers are courting expulsion, deselection, charges of antisemitic hate crimes and illegally refining weapon-grade uranium, and dismissal as "noises off" by accusing the Righteous State of ethnic cleansing in Gaza even though the Righteous State has repeatedly demonstrated, by word and deed, its intention to carry out ethnic cleansing in Gaza. The extremists are also demanding that illegal settlers be treated as criminals and that Britain recognise Palestinian statehood even though that might induce the beastly French to do the same. In response, the grown-ups at the Ministry for Wogs and the White House extruded a spokesbeing to shrug that Britain is committed to recognising Palestinian statehood, but only when Britain dashed well pleases: His Majesty's Government is awaiting the point of maximum impact, recognition of which will presumably be left to the Pentagon.

Another Monolithic Conspiracy

Sending people back where they came from may be no more than common sense, but property is a very different matter. It seems that a secretive and treacherous cabal is negotiating with a foreign power, and a party to the Strasbrussels dictatorship at that, regarding the possible return of the Parthenon sculptures to their country of origin. A lusty band of patriots, including the race-baiting historian David Starkey, the doll-eyed woodentop John Redwood, and the forty-nine-day blunder Liz Truss, has dispatched a stern letter to the Prime Minister, to the British Museum, and to the Secretary of State for Cultchah, Propaganda and Rah-Rah, demanding that any such negotiations be called off lest the beastly Euro-wogs forget who won the war. Whether the missive is in green ink or purple ink remains as yet undisclosed; as does the brand of lavatory paper on which it is inscribed. Still, in all fairness it must be acknowledged that the continued presence of Starkey, Redwood and La Truss in public life shows convincingly that present-day Britain does not have so many marbles left that it can afford to deport those few it still retains.

Gummed Up and Watered Down

Once more the moisture provision profiteering watchdog has deployed the gentlest gingival pressure and a dignified dry-humping of well-trousered corporate leg to steer a miscreant onto the path of righteousness. The latest penitent is South West Water, which has generously condescended to do its job in lieu of paying a fine for breaking the law. After two years of investigation, the regulator found that the company had not installed the proper equipment to prevent illegal sewage discharges, had not properly dealt with the sewage under its care, and had not adequately monitored its treatment works; but since the investigation was at the taxpeyer's expense there seems no good reason to burden real people with excessive financial obligations that might interfere with the next round of boardroom pay rises. Clean water ideologues are complaining as usual, apparently influenced by the antisemitic and dinosaurid dogma that corporate crime should be punishable; nevertheless, the Home Office has not so far announced plans to proscribe them as terrorists.

Loyal Toast

British nationalists in Northern Ireland have drawn criticism for adding effigies of refugees to a bonfire. The pyro-patriotic display, which seems in little danger of being considered a hate crime by the state to which the artists pledge their loyalty, will be part of the annual commemoration of a military victory by a rather tolerant seventeenth-century European immigrant. Even the Demagogic Unionist Party, which was tolerant enough to enter an informal coalition with Theresa May, has condemned the display on the grounds that bonfires should be "positive cultural celebrations" about the smiting of the Papist scum.

On a Departed Polecat

The heatwaves this year have been driving me mad,
The barometer's due for another foul hike,
And I'm still throwing off that infection I had;
But the day Tebbit died on cannot be all bad.

While current disasters continue to spike,
With few compensations to help one feel glad,
The day has an aspect it's hard to dislike
When Tebbit has finally got on his bike.

Samuel Grimsnipe

Fired

Russia's transport minister has been sacked and apparently shot himself, although the order in which these events occurred remains as yet unclear. If he was dismissed after committing suicide, it would be a tribute either to Russia's quasi-British efficiency levels or to Tsar Vladimir's talent for rubbing it in. The sacking may have been connected with disruption to the air transport network resulting from an exchange of drone strikes with Ukraine at the weekend; while the suicide may have been connected with Russia's lack of a proper disposal system for non-viable political careers, such as the House of Lords.

Temporary Exile

A felonious immigrant who voted for the Trumpster and his head-tribble so that they could deport more felonious immigrants is crying betrayal because the forces of the Trumpster and his head-tribble are deporting a felonious immigrant. The voter in question spent a quarter of a century working and paying tax in Los Angeles, lacking legal residency status but accruing substantially fewer criminal charges than many on Team Trumpster. With characteristic treachery, the Biden administration gave her a work permit last year, whereupon she voted for the Trumpster and, in accordance with the art of the deal, was detained by government agents when she went for an interview about obtaining a green card. She is now being held pending deportation to Canada where, once the planned North American Anschluss is complete, her US citizenship will presumably be assured in any case.

And Soft Refreshing Rain

A downpouring of the divine mercy upon a Christian indoctrination camp in Texas has led to questions about the wisdom of the Trumpster administration's recent entrustification of weather warnings to Providence rather than science. Nevertheless, it appears the Christian state of Texas has been steadfast in its faith: despite having prayed for a different outcome, one adult relative of a nine-year-old victim proclaimed himself thankful that she was killed with her friends while having the time of her life; and although the disaster area is known as Flash Flood Alley because the soil is so thin, the chief elected official stated that the county doesn't do warning systems. The Trumpster has not so far claimed credit for all lives spared, but the administration is "working with" state and local officials, so presumably it won't be long. In the meantime, prayers from the White House are ongoing; apparently not even the White House is claiming any longer that thoughts might be involved.

Avignon in the Himalayas

Tibetan Buddhism may soon enter the amusing theological territory mapped out in Christendom during the late fourteenth and early fifteenth centuries, when a disagreement emerged over whether God was a Roman or a Frenchman and two or occasionally three different men simultaneously claimed to be pope. A similar situation of mutual quietism may arise with the forthcoming fifteenth Dalai Lama, as the incumbent's paperwork regarding his reincarnation seems to be commanding scant respect among the Heathen Chinee. The blasphemers even have a separate selection ritual, involving a ludicrous superstition whereby lots are drawn from a golden urn in Beijing before the Party gives approval to the latest embodhiment. The Christian kingdom of the Trumpster and his head-tribble has responded with threats of sanctions against any Heathen Chinee who compound their country's sin of overthrowing a feudal theocracy by interfering with the due and holy process of metempsychosis. Nevertheless, the fourteenth Dalai Lama has specified that his successor may be an adult and will be a native of a free country: both conditions which may hinder the Trumpster's candidacy despite his famously robe-hued complexion.

Buccaneering Buoyancy

Plucky little P&O Ferries entrepreneur Peter Hebblethwaite, who summarily sacked hundreds of workers from the master race and replaced them with cheap foreigns, received a pay rise of at least fifty-five per cent that same year despite his obvious contempt for the little people. Hebblethwaite informed a parliamentary huff-and-puff that he accepted the bonus after due reflection despite having committed the Truss-and-Trumpster error of doing the quiet part out loud and despite having suffered a similar dearth of adverse personal consequences. He also, despite being asked whether he was robbing his staff blind, bragged that some of his workers were so sustainable as to be paid less than the legal minimum wage: a claim which the company had denied. At present P&O's accounts are coming in nine months late, after a major accountancy firm resigned the job of auditing them despite the self-evident probity on show.

Larva Labour's Lost

Even in the realm of the Trumpster and his tribe, it seems that parasitic flesh-eating maggots are not universally welcome. A government scheme is afoot to flood the dating market of the New World screw-worm fly with artificially sterilised males: a family planning initiative which might profitably be applied to the Trump and Musk breeds if some means could be found of extending their sterility from the intellectual to the reproductive. The romantic method of pest control is more effective and less pollutive than using chemical insecticides, and is therefore being tolerated by the US government only because it helps the planet-eating parasite that is the beef industry.

Outside the Bounds of Humanity

Contrary to all recent precedent and the interests of the Righteous State, a judge has ruled that it is unlawful and unconstitutional for police to arrest, detain, handcuff, photograph, fingerprint, DNA-sample and threaten a person with strip-search even when that person is accused of antisemitism. Nottingham police arrested and processed a not altogether uncoloured protester five years ago on suspicion of racially or religiously aggravated offence against public order, and a judge has imposed punitive damages even though the arrest was made on the basis of a single denunciation and on no other evidence. Nottingham police have indicated their intention to appeal the verdict, presumably on the grounds that the protester in question has placed themselves outside the epoch-defining he/she lavatorial dichotomy and is also not a fascist, and is therefore beyond the protection of the law.