Sunshine for Business

Good tidings about the climate calamity have emerged from the Continent, where the recent heatwaves caused a significant spike in excess deaths among the perfidious French, the beastly Belgians and the dreadful Dutch. Most of those who died were over forty-five, and the worst affected were those over sixty-five; so moderate and sensible economic planners in Britain will rejoice at the prospect of future heatwaves dispensing with those among the master race who are perilously close to collecting what remains of their pensions. The largest increase was in domestic demisements: another good sign for the mainland, where homes designed to withstand colder and wetter weather will turn into ever more efficient death-traps as infrastructure profitability becomes ever more sustainable and power cuts deprive the surplus population of what little cooling ability they currently possess. Casualties among the wealthy, the air-conditioned, and those with significant financial interests in perpetuating and exacerbating the climate calamity appear, as usual, to have been negligible.

Deeply, Sincerely and Economically

We can concede today
Our predecessors' shame:
They're decades dead, so they
Can rest content with blame.

We'll barely spend a bean
In fiscal recompense:
Our nation's conscience clean
At minimal expense.

We've made the moral leap,
Said sorry for their crime;
For talk is always cheap
And gets more so with time.

Layton Doolittle

Blasphemous Bishoprics

Members of the Society of Saint Pius X have been getting themselves up in fancy dress and indulging in a ritual-filled ceremony, which sounds nearly as redundant as being strong in the Lord and the power of His might. Since the ceremony included the unlicensed ordination of bishops, the participants are automatically excommunicated despite the Society's extensive and friendly associations with fascists and Holocaust deniers. It has long been known that the Christian clergy have trouble keeping their hands to themselves; but while the Church of Rome's attitude to picking the taxpayer's pocket or sexually abusing a dupe has generally been tolerant, using hands alongside the magic words is a very different matter.

Not Very Sporting

Once more the forces of Western civilisation have been outsubtled by the devious cunning of the Oriental mind. According to a report by a "geopolitical consulting firm," the closure of the Strait of Hormuz has done less harm to the Heathen Chinee than to countries that have been more moderate and sensible in joining the rush for renewables; and China has also benefited from its insidious communistic habit of maintaining strategic energy reserves, viz. a planned economy, in defiance of all true religion and natural morality. According to one expert, the fiends do not even wish to replace the Kingdom of the Trumpster as "a Middle East hegemon or provider of security (sic) for the region;" presumably because they intend to continue their fiendish weaning away from dependence on fossil fuels, and because they have no national traditions of democratic idealism and good intentions gone astray to keep them fighting in the absence of such crass and worldly motivations.

Flu Right Up

War is a notoriously unpredictable business, and even the World Cop by the grace of God is not entirely immune from its little whims. The most obvious recent example is Iran's wholly unforeseeable disinclination to lie down and be conquered for the glory of the Trumpster and his head-tribble; and the latest manifestations of the influenza virus are proving just as inconsiderate a foe to the greased and tattooed Secretary for Crusades. Presumably in consultation with the Kennedy brainworm, Saint Pete removed the mandatory requirement to vaccinate new military recruits; and now, mirabile dictu, influenza has broken out among the rookies despite their being crowded together under physically and psychologically demanding conditions. Not even the greased and tattooed Secretary for Crusades went quite so far as to make non-vaccination compulsory, at least for the moment; so the military leadership have been un-Christian enough to re-implement the vaccine programme after obtaining the necessary permission from on high. There is talk of a new type of vaccine that would be immune from the current delays in the manufacturing timetable; whether its utilisation will be deemed compatible with Murca, its Freem and its Demoxey, let alone with its very own Baby Jesus, remains as yet unclear.

The Better Part of Valour

Despite Israel's famously sacrosanct right of genocide, which includes sharing with ICE the right to murder American citizens with impunity, the Netanyahoo administration has felt obliged to take due precautions against the remote possibility of one day being subjected to the same laws as the lesser breeds. The Righteous State's latest rampage in Lebanon, which according to Britain's leading liberal newspaper has been going on since an apparently unprovoked attack out of a clear blue sky, has raised concerns about the Arab Untermenschen potentially seeking redress for alleged (sic) war crimes. Therefore the Righteous State has placed in the hand of the Lebanese government a piece of paper, whereby the latter signs away its citizens' right to indulge in any such antisemitic and underhanded activity. By way of concessions in return, the agreement is "designed to work towards an end to fighting between Israel and Hezbollah" until Israel feels like starting it up again; which is certainly a hopeful sign.

Sink the Boardwalk

Venetians irritated by the co-opting of their city for last year's wedding of a mogul and a newsreader are set to be further exercised by a visitation from a Trumpsterite squillionaire and his football-field-length yacht. As a campaign funder and therefore an ambassador, the great man apparently intends inflicting the United States quarter-millennium upon the entire coastline of Italy, presumably to demonstrate whose foot the boot is on. There are fears that he may feel inclined to shove his six-deck personal inadequacy compensator into the historical city centre during one of its most revered festivals, which celebrates the end of a devastating epidemic. In a sponsor of the Trumpster and his head-tribble, who employ the Kennedy brainworm and who recommended injections of detergent and ultra-violet light as Covid cures, this does arguably demonstrate a modicum of comic timing; but despite the common status of Venice and the USA as former republics, it remains as yet unclear whether the city will be mollified.

Permissible Curiosity

Inquisitive media types who ask questions about foreign business bungs to the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange need not fear immediate deportation once the junta has been elected. The former Minister for Richard Desmond, who now serves the Falange as financial dogsbody, has magnanimously asserted that such questions are not unreasonable, which rather contradicts the strutting Caudillo's snippy insistence, ever since he came out of hiding, that they are very unreasonable indeed. The former Minister for Mural Extirpation, whom Britain's leading liberal newspaper has chosen to indulge in his risible claim to the title of shadow chancellor, did take care to corroborate his generalissimo's assertion that the public don't mind. He even said trust me and in all sincerity in the same sentence, as one does when speaking a clear and unvarnished truth.

Hierarchy of Righteousness

British parliamentarians are no doubt shocked, shocked, shocked at allegations that His Majesty's Government did nothing to prevent a genocidal military assault even though it was condoned by a wealthy ally and the victims were fiscally insignificant. According to a human rights investigator, the Ministry for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets was aware of the Ethopian government's support for a Sudanese militia's mass killings, but kept quiet about it for fear of annoying some of Whitehall's favourite Islamic fundamentalists, who support the Ethiopians. A senior official at the Ministry suggested that the estimate of sixty thousand casualties at the city of El Fasher last year might be too high, only to be informed that the number did not include those starved or bombed during the preceding siege. Apparently His Majesty's Government decided to exercise a diplomatic modesty rather than glorying in the moral purity of the enterprise, since even near-Israeli levels of carnage do not necessarily indicate a correspondingly sacred right of massacre.

Hot Tips

Nearly two-thirds of the population of Europe has been exposed to temperatures approaching the kind that kill great scads of expendables in the global south every year; though it remains as yet unclear whether the air conditoning and refrigeration of the real people were unduly affected. Europe's own expendables and those of the master race on the mainland were advised, as usual, to keep calm, carry on, and take simple measures.