Painful Swellings in the Great American Groin

Like many mediaeval societies, the southern United States suffers from endemic plague; and the Christian state of Arizona has confirmed a recent death from the pneumonic form of the disease. The woke scientific mind virus remains active enough for blame to be laid upon the Yersinia pestis bacterium rather than upon Iran, the Heathen Chinee, or the Deity's wrath concerning excessively free and easy attitudes to female bodily autonomy; and citizens have even been warned against the perils of excessive contact with rodents, insects, wild dogs and other natural-born vectors of Trumpsterism. Doubtless the head-tribble, with the aid of its court physician the Kennedy brainworm, is already working to ensure that such elementary medical errors are not repeated.

Important to Humanity

Presumably in order to help absolve itself of being the educational, scientific and cultural wing of Hamas, UNESCO has added one of America's more spectacular cultural achievements to its list of world heritage sites. Two Khmer Rouge prisons and a killing field are to be ranked as a fitting twentieth-century contibution to the catalogue of human aspiration that includes the Great Wall of China, the Taj Mahal and Angkor Wat. Despite the official Hollywood recognition of the Cambodian catastrophe, the selection may well be controversial; not least because, unlike the colonisers of America and the Righteous State, the brutal communists of the Khmer Rouge did not aspire to genocide. They were not trying to exterminate the Cambodian people, merely to deliver them into a redeeming agrarian utopia: a patriotic urge akin to the British establishment's penchant for rewriting the history of the Second World War and kicking out the wogs, and having rather less in common with Marx and Lenin than with the more otherworldly reaches of Buddhism. It was doubtless this lack of appropriate ethnic cleanliness that prevented the Khmer Rouge being fully accepted into the international community until after its officially brutal communist régime acquired a measure of legitimacy through its heinous removal by the communist Vietnamese.

Let's Purge Again

Fifty-nine Labour backbenchers are courting expulsion, deselection, charges of antisemitic hate crimes and illegally refining weapon-grade uranium, and dismissal as "noises off" by accusing the Righteous State of ethnic cleansing in Gaza even though the Righteous State has repeatedly demonstrated, by word and deed, its intention to carry out ethnic cleansing in Gaza. The extremists are also demanding that illegal settlers be treated as criminals and that Britain recognise Palestinian statehood even though that might induce the beastly French to do the same. In response, the grown-ups at the Ministry for Wogs and the White House extruded a spokesbeing to shrug that Britain is committed to recognising Palestinian statehood, but only when Britain dashed well pleases: His Majesty's Government is awaiting the point of maximum impact, recognition of which will presumably be left to the Pentagon.

Another Monolithic Conspiracy

Sending people back where they came from may be no more than common sense, but property is a very different matter. It seems that a secretive and treacherous cabal is negotiating with a foreign power, and a party to the Strasbrussels dictatorship at that, regarding the possible return of the Parthenon sculptures to their country of origin. A lusty band of patriots, including the race-baiting historian David Starkey, the doll-eyed woodentop John Redwood, and the forty-nine-day blunder Liz Truss, has dispatched a stern letter to the Prime Minister, to the British Museum, and to the Secretary of State for Cultchah, Propaganda and Rah-Rah, demanding that any such negotiations be called off lest the beastly Euro-wogs forget who won the war. Whether the missive is in green ink or purple ink remains as yet undisclosed; as does the brand of lavatory paper on which it is inscribed. Still, in all fairness it must be acknowledged that the continued presence of Starkey, Redwood and La Truss in public life shows convincingly that present-day Britain does not have so many marbles left that it can afford to deport those few it still retains.

Gummed Up and Watered Down

Once more the moisture provision profiteering watchdog has deployed the gentlest gingival pressure and a dignified dry-humping of well-trousered corporate leg to steer a miscreant onto the path of righteousness. The latest penitent is South West Water, which has generously condescended to do its job in lieu of paying a fine for breaking the law. After two years of investigation, the regulator found that the company had not installed the proper equipment to prevent illegal sewage discharges, had not properly dealt with the sewage under its care, and had not adequately monitored its treatment works; but since the investigation was at the taxpeyer's expense there seems no good reason to burden real people with excessive financial obligations that might interfere with the next round of boardroom pay rises. Clean water ideologues are complaining as usual, apparently influenced by the antisemitic and dinosaurid dogma that corporate crime should be punishable; nevertheless, the Home Office has not so far announced plans to proscribe them as terrorists.

Loyal Toast

British nationalists in Northern Ireland have drawn criticism for adding effigies of refugees to a bonfire. The pyro-patriotic display, which seems in little danger of being considered a hate crime by the state to which the artists pledge their loyalty, will be part of the annual commemoration of a military victory by a rather tolerant seventeenth-century European immigrant. Even the Demagogic Unionist Party, which was tolerant enough to enter an informal coalition with Theresa May, has condemned the display on the grounds that bonfires should be "positive cultural celebrations" about the smiting of the Papist scum.

On a Departed Polecat

The heatwaves this year have been driving me mad,
The barometer's due for another foul hike,
And I'm still throwing off that infection I had;
But the day Tebbit died on cannot be all bad.

While current disasters continue to spike,
With few compensations to help one feel glad,
The day has an aspect it's hard to dislike
When Tebbit has finally got on his bike.

Samuel Grimsnipe

Fired

Russia's transport minister has been sacked and apparently shot himself, although the order in which these events occurred remains as yet unclear. If he was dismissed after committing suicide, it would be a tribute either to Russia's quasi-British efficiency levels or to Tsar Vladimir's talent for rubbing it in. The sacking may have been connected with disruption to the air transport network resulting from an exchange of drone strikes with Ukraine at the weekend; while the suicide may have been connected with Russia's lack of a proper disposal system for non-viable political careers, such as the House of Lords.

Temporary Exile

A felonious immigrant who voted for the Trumpster and his head-tribble so that they could deport more felonious immigrants is crying betrayal because the forces of the Trumpster and his head-tribble are deporting a felonious immigrant. The voter in question spent a quarter of a century working and paying tax in Los Angeles, lacking legal residency status but accruing substantially fewer criminal charges than many on Team Trumpster. With characteristic treachery, the Biden administration gave her a work permit last year, whereupon she voted for the Trumpster and, in accordance with the art of the deal, was detained by government agents when she went for an interview about obtaining a green card. She is now being held pending deportation to Canada where, once the planned North American Anschluss is complete, her US citizenship will presumably be assured in any case.

And Soft Refreshing Rain

A downpouring of the divine mercy upon a Christian indoctrination camp in Texas has led to questions about the wisdom of the Trumpster administration's recent entrustification of weather warnings to Providence rather than science. Nevertheless, it appears the Christian state of Texas has been steadfast in its faith: despite having prayed for a different outcome, one adult relative of a nine-year-old victim proclaimed himself thankful that she was killed with her friends while having the time of her life; and although the disaster area is known as Flash Flood Alley because the soil is so thin, the chief elected official stated that the county doesn't do warning systems. The Trumpster has not so far claimed credit for all lives spared, but the administration is "working with" state and local officials, so presumably it won't be long. In the meantime, prayers from the White House are ongoing; apparently not even the White House is claiming any longer that thoughts might be involved.