Peak Precedence

With their characteristic focus on the vital issues facing their adopted country, the Trumpster and his head-tribble have pledged to re-name North America's tallest mountain after one of the USA's early imperialists. Despite being an anagram of denial, the peak's current name was officially ratified by a member of the nominal opposition and must therefore be erased from the page of history. William McKinley, the president after whom it was named by a sycophantic gold-digger in 1896, had the bad taste to fight in the Civil War rather than pleading bone spurs or cheering the racist insurgency from the sidelines; but he was a friend of Rutherford Hayes, who sneaked into the presidency despite losing the popular vote, and he pursued a colonial war of aggression against the Hispanic Untermenschen, which led to the usual triumphs of democracy in Cuba, the Philippines and the Republic of Hawaii. Perhaps even more usefully in terms of averting the head-tribble's wrath, McKinley was an enthusiast of tariffs; and when shot by a libertarian he also managed to make considerably more efficient use of the bullets than a mere bleeding earlobe.

Hornet Swatted

In one of the more optimistic developments of the current catastrophe in the Middle East, some minions of the World Cop have managed to shoot down one of their own wog-bombing resources, apparently thanks to the negligence of some trigger-happy Houthis. The good guys with guns were aboard the USS Gettysburg and evidently had the wrong address, perhaps led by the fog of war to mistake the multi-role combat aircraft for a civilian airliner or something similarly heinous. Poetically enough, the Gettysburg is part of the USS Harry S Truman Carrier Strike Group, named for the aircraft carrier from which the friendlily-fired-upon took off; and also, of course, named for the president who deliberately increased American casualties in order to turn a conventional war nuclear.

Conscience Money

From the time of St Paul until now, it has been the privilege of Christians to re-write the teachings of their Saviour; and the late Archbishop of Canterbury has duly utilised his CEO's privilege to improve upon the Sermon on the Mount. Rather than giving alms in secret, as commanded in Matthew 6 i-iv, his grace has augmented his comedy turn in the Lords with a donation in his own name to the Children's Society; which, given the reasons behind his belated resignation, provides further insight into the theological subtleties of the archiepiscopal sense of humour. Alas, the Children's Society has declined to be in on the joke.

We're Safe For Now

Since the innate superiority of the British political vocabulary dictates that "overpopulated prison" is a contradiction in terms, patriots will rejoice that record numbers of protesters are being morally reformed this humbug season. Objectors to Zionist genocide and to the profitable destruction of human civilisation in general have alike received record sentences, so that incarceration for climate activism has joined wog-bombing and migrant-bashing among our more healthily growing industries. This seems jolly fortunate given that, according to Britain's leading liberal newspaper, at least two of the climate activists managed to throw tomato soup over a painting at the National Gallery rather than over the glass covering in front of it. Doubtless others among the fiends in our dungeons are possessed of still more sinister superpowers.

Our Mandelson in Washington

Whether it goes under the influence of an alcoholically demented chimpanzee or a tangerine trash-can driven by the defecations of a hydrophobic head-tribble - wherever America goes, there must the heirs of Blair sycophantically follow. Thus it is that the World Cop's re-election of a several-times-disgraced right-wing crank has brought about the latest recrudescence of Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring, this time as ambassador for the World Cop's clapped-out comedy sidekick. The CEO of Team Starmer has pronounced that sucking up to the Trumpster constitutes hard-headed realism, in virtuous contrast to any antisemitic sentimentality about single markets and freedom of movement. The current choice between Europe and the US is therefore as false a dichotomy as the choice between Europe twenty years ago (viz. staying out of the Iraq quagmire) and the chimpanzee's America (viz. plunging into the Iraq quagmire); and, after all, Winston Churchill never felt he had to choose between allies. In fact, Churchill's disdain for the beastly Euro-wogs was precisely why he took a favourable view of their working together with each other rather than with the master race: he thought Britain's rightful station was among the superpowers, not in equal partnership with lesser breeds. In a similar tradition of greatness among the English-speaking peoples, Lord Mandelbrot himself has already parroted the National Johnson's blithering rah-and-blah about having our cake and eating it, and has thereby made a fine rhetorical start towards the coveted Faragean photo-opportunity in the gold-plated lift.

Royal Justice

Dedicated endurers of news about the royal family may recall that, as a consequence of his part in the Epstein-Maxwell-Giuffre scandal, his grace the Duke of York was relieved of his public responsibilities. Doubtless the punitive element in this was acutely perceptible to the Duke's refined aristocratic sensibilities; and his latest little indiscretion is set to bear similarly bitter fruit. His alleged involvement with an agent of the Heathen Chinee means that the his grace will not have to attend the Firm's pre-Christmas bloater, thereby inflicting a further excruciating reduction upon his annual tedium quota. Meanwhile, the Heathen Chinee themselves have strongly denied expecting to find intelligence in the House of Windsor.

Transports of Apathy

As with such other triumphs as shale-fracking and the poll tax, driverless buses have been tested on the provincials and found wanting. A pioneering service between Fife and Edinburgh is to be withdrawn because its driverlessness has been excessively augmented by passengerlessness. Even the endearingly British fact that driverless buses require twice as many human crew aboard as driverful ones has proved insufficient to tempt the meatware aboard. Since the standard British solution to public indifference is Whether They Like It Or Not, the termination of the service is naturally a delay rather than a setback.

And Another

God and the Second Amendment have brought their usual degree of concern with child welfare to the Christian state of Wisconsin. A pious establishment ironically named Abundant Life has suffered nine casualties including three deaths, bringing the year's total of American mass shootings one closer to the magical five hundred. Presumably God and Baby Jesus will soon be thanked because there were only nine, with appropriate mortals scapegoated for forcing that limit on Heaven's mercy.

Still Employable

It's an ill extinction event that blows nobody any good, and the climate catastrophe may yet prove a blessing to the Christian states of Texas and Florida. The cooking of the Caribbean has enabled the spread of the mosquitoes that carry dengue fever, an inconvenient and sometimes fatal complaint which is likely to prosper everywhere vaccines and other preventive measures are considered un-American. Readers of Lord Dunsany will rejoice that one of the world's less sustainable species has even now not entirely lost its usefulness.

Fratelli di Sangue

Like the British royal family, the mafia and some of the more endearing popes, the modern Italian state values blood ties above all, and so has granted citizenship to the Boris Johnson of Buenos Aires because of his immigrant background. This has prompted indignation on behalf of people resident in Italy who may work, pay taxes and enrich the culture of the Republic as much as they please, but who are denied the honour of citizenship because they or their parents were born abroad. In Italy as on the mainland, the belief prevails that the worth of an individual depends less on their deeds or their potential than on the presence or absence of a few shared gobs of genetic gunk. It is fortunate indeed that this idea is shared only by patriots and family-values touts, and not at all by racists.