Clot Peacemaker

Acid political humour is not a quality one immediately associates with the current government of Pakistan, but Islamabad has displayed a pleasing strain of sarcasm in nominating the Trumpster for the Nobel Peace Prize. Previous American winners include Henry Kissinger, for not ending the Vietnam War, and Barack Obama, for not having done anything much beyond not being George W Bush; the Trumpster's nomination is supposedly by way of payment for his alleged role in defusing the recent military exchanges between Pakistan and India, which the two countries' respective independent nuclear deterrents inexplicably failed to forestall. Doubtless the nomination has nothing whatever to do with detoxifying the head-tribble's defecations during this week's lunch date between the Trumpster and the Pakistani army's chief of staff; nevertheless, the Indian government, along with at least one humourless Pakistani TV host, has taken an uncharitable view of the matter. It remains as yet unclear whether His Majesty's Government, with its chancellor from the CTRL-C CTRL-V school of literary achievement by delegation, has any plans towards a Literature nomination for the author of The Art of the Deal.

Ursa in Suburbia

British sporting values have received short shrift in the Baltic, where Lithuania's association of hunters and fishers has protested the government's termination order against a brown bear which wandered into Vilnius. Despite being only two years old the animal was apparently unable to orient itself by smartphone and lumbered harmlessly about the suburbs for a couple of days, whereupon the government issued a permit for it to be shot. This was far too distasteful a prospect for the squeamish shikari of Lithuania; on the animal-loving mainland, by contrast, where personal attendance at the demise of wild animals is considered unsporting, the sentence would obviously have been gassing or else dismemberment by a pack of hounds.

Before a Fall

Health and safety zealotry appears to have resulted in the removal of a Pride flag from a Derbyshire high street. A Christian bookshop had complained about it, in the usual Christian spirit of welcoming everyone without necessarily respecting their rights, and amid globs of unctuous piety about freedom of conscience; but the town council denied that the flag's removal owed anything to the exercise of these great British liberties. Even the county authority's recent take-over by the flag-purging cadres of the Farage Falange was apparently not altogether a factor. Rather, the town council took down the Pride flag "due to a strong belief someone would put themselves in danger by removing it themselves" and thereby render the council at risk of paying damages with money that would be better spent filling potholes, arming the police, and processing denunciations. What the town council's plans may be concerning statues that someone might injure themselves vandalising, or bookshops that someone might singe themselves martyring, your correspondent would not presume to guess.

Imperfect Integration

Even as Team Starmer assists the Trumpster and his head-tribble in shaping the new world order, NATO values appear conspicuously absent among the ghastly leftists who have seized control of Spain. Not only has the government turned to mere experts for an explanation of the recent peninsular power outage; it has slavishly parroted those same experts in ruling out the possibility of a North Korea-facilitated antisemitic Russo-Iranian cyber-attack. There seems also a distinct disinclination to view the blackout as an opportunity to row back on the green crap, despite Team Starmer's clear example in going all-out for a national grid of blanched radioactive pachyderms powered by sustainable uranium. It is to be hoped that the recent progress on the Gibraltar Question may do something to mitigate the Continent's cultural determination to cut itself off from the mainland.

Fetch, Boy

Readers of a certain age will recall the characterisation of the Reverend Blair, at the outset of a previous Middle East massacre, as the poodle of chimpanzee chief executive George W Bush; and the CEO of Team Starmer has scampered eagerly to ensure his own pride of place in the White House kennels. When the head-tribble temporarily lost control of the Trumpster's tiny hands and let some documents fall to the ground, there could never be any question of the emperor, in the ongoing prime of his vigour, picking up after himself. At the same time, anyone else attempting to grovel at the tangerine feet ("not that any of you rushed to," sneered the favourite) might have undergone protective disassembly by heavily armed security staff; hence the CEO of Team Starmer was once more saving innocent lives, actually. Just as he is only facilitating genocide abroad to make the world safe for democracy; and just as he is only kicking cripples at home to make Britain fit for working people to learn financial self-reliance; so he scrambled to scoop up the Trumpster's droppings purely for the protection of others.

Wailing at the Wall

Representatives of the Righteous State and the rightists among the nations are huffing and puffing with moral indignation because, even with all that has gone on over the past fifty-eight years, some people still seem to think that rules apply to Israel. A security agency at a Paris airshow told four Israeli companies to remove some weapons from their stands; the companies refused to comply, so the stands were walled off behind a partition. In a further treacherous effort to divide the master race against itself, four Israeli stands which complied with the rules, including one belonging to the Ministry of Cleansing itself, were allowed to remain open. The sinister historical parallels will be apparent to anyone among the virtuous minority not yet controlled by Hamas: we all know what use Hitler made of office furniture.

A Well-Regulated Militia

Despite the Trumpster and his cohorts loudly and repeatedly denouncing political opponents as traitors and abortionists as murderers, and even despite the ready availability of firearms across the Land of the Free, it appears that someone in Minnesota may have suffered some slight loss of perspective on the situation. Two Democratic politicians and their spouses have been shot, with one couple killed and the other seriously injured; and the suspect allegedly had a list of targets including reproductive health clinics and coathanger-unfriendly politicians. Perhaps because the Democratic trumping of the birthday emperor's famous bleeding earlobe has provoked a measure of genuine chagrin, the White House has managed thus far to refrain from any overt gloating.

Still Not Getting It

On the eighth anniversary of the Grenfell Tower fire, a statement from the survivors' campaign group wonders what it says about the country's values that those who facilitated the disaster are still carrying on profitable careers in the housing sector. Given how many of those responsible for the Iraq débâcle have stood trial at the Hague, and the quantity of sackcloth and ashes that characterised Cressida Dick's career after the assassination and posthumous slander of Jean Charles de Menezes, and the moral fibre and sense of honour which our lords and masters displayed over Aberfan, it is remarkable that the question should need asking. The country's values are for the benefit of the right sort of people; if the lower orders wish to avoid unsafe accommodation, they can render up their humble thanks for Team Starmer's plans to repeal the Vagrancy Act.

Slightly Less Assisted Escalation

So irritated is His Majesty's Government by Israel's excessive self-defence against the Palestinian Untermenschen that Team Starmer has denied providing military assistance in the Righteous State's latest assault on Iran. Nor has the RAF thus far been assigned to pacify the Great Satan's unprovoked and antisemitic retaliation, despite the free world having been forty-five minutes from nuclear doom since approximately the turn of the century. Instead the usual restraint on both sides has been called for, whereby Israel stops short of deploying its nuclear arsenal while Iran stops short of developing a deterrent. Doubtless the effect will be as salutary as ever.

Turncoats Need Not Apply

Ever since the greatest armed services in the world yet again fled Afghanistan with their tails between their legs, a priority of His Majesty's Government has been to prevent those who collaborated with the forces of Western civilisation from getting any strange foreign ideas about a lasting and mutually fulfilling relationship. Like the Conservatives, the present administration will condescend to spare an occasional activist the Taliban's tender mercies provided the activist can get their case into the national press; but Team Starmer's Ministry for Wog Control has radically increased the rate of refusal for asylum seekers from Afghanistan so as to ensure that British jobs remain open to British workers. Fortunately, Team Starmer has displayed no particular inclination to repair the vandalism wrought upon the legal system by the Conservatives and their Liberal Democrat accomplices, so there is every chance that this particular example of British fair play will continue unabated into our glorious future.