Pork Britannia

Astoundingly enough, despite several years' rule by the Bullingdon Club's glistening pink porkers, and despite the current prevalence in the nation's life of the Farage Falange's fatted squealers, Britain's supermarkets have somehow managed to remain full of toxic pig meat. In a fine example of culinary Britishness, customers are being protected against food poisoning by bumping up the risk of bowel cancer. The apocalyptic erosion of our national character by the decrees of the Strasbrussels health-and-safety dictatorship apparently never got around to British ham and bacon, in which carcinogenic nitrates are still at world-beating levels nearly ten years after the Hamas-run World Health Organisation vindictively declared them unsafe. Given that the CEO of Team Starmer looks, acts and speaks like something carved from a rather poor-quality but nevertheless thoroughly boiled block of solid pork, there seems little doubt that this eminently patriotic situation will be allowed to contine for the foreseeable future.