Economic Paralysis

Team Starmer has continued the Conservatives' programme of cutbacks to global healthcare initiatives, because more money is needed for wog-bombing and because raising taxes on those who can afford to pay them would constitute an unpardonable breach of post-ministerial career prospects. Complementing this moral case is the undeniably pragmatic fact that unhealthy wogs are usually easier to bomb, particularly when the defender of civilisation is armed with the sacred right to attack hospitals with impunity. Even so, the sensible moderation of the policy has not forestalled certain little ironies in its execution, as when the polio virus appeared in London less than a week before the UK withdrew funding for polio eradication among the lesser breeds. Whatever else may be lacking in the talent puddle that is Team Starmer, the Britishness of its comic timing remains resolutely undiminished.

Up For A Tumble

Since there are now only a few billion human beings too many, a small portion of the excess has naturally been looking into how best we may export our overpopulation to other worlds. These vital researches indicate that spermatozoa tend to lose their sense of direction in low-gravity environments, which could result in wasted effort and some tragically disused females if priapic pioneer propagators like Elon Musk were to try splattering their genomes across the universe by the old-fashioned method. Then again, while the contraceptive properties of free-fall may be rigorous they are not perfect, and dumb luck will inevitably favour certain individuals in even the giddiest circumstances.

Gagging Order

India's Muslim-baiting government bids fair to surpass even Team Starmer in sycophancy towards Israel, as the Central Board of Film Certification has blocked the release of a film about the cleansing of Gaza. The Voice of Hind Rajab features vérité audio from a phone call by a five-year-old child whose death somehow or other occurred during the bombing (the terms killed and IDF are both studiously absent from the report in Britain's leading liberal newspaper). Apparently the Indian government is worried that exhibiting the film would harm its relations with the Righteous State, but it seems doubtful that any war criminal has much to fear from The Voice of Hind Rajab. If vérité audio of a child's death is what is needed to induce qualms, it was probably too late in any case.

His Rightful Place

America being a Christian country and thus enamoured of graven images, the grounds of the remains of the White House have been graced with the remains of a statue. The original was thrown into a Baltimore harbour during anti-racism protests, and a replica unum has been constructed out of the fragmentary pluribus. The subject of the statue is Christopher Columbus, whom the Trumpster and his head-tribble have acclaimed as "the original American hero." Given that Columbus had a habit of sailing to other people's countries in order to enslave them, and that his geographical knowledge was such that he mistook the Caribbean for India, there seems little reason to dispute that assessment.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

No statesman can prosper without learning the correct lessons from history, and having already waved aside medical confidentiality, national security and intellectual property rights in the interests of private profit, His Majesty's Government could hardly be expected to hold the taxpayer's financial data particularly sacred. Accordingly, the Financial Conduct Authority is going to spend the next three months throwing taxpayers' money at Palantir in return for the privilege of giving Palantir access to some eminently saleable information. The company, which is named after a highly selective surveillance device in a fantasy universe where virtuous races combine to wipe out an evil race, was founded by a sponsor of the Trumpster and his head-tribble, and has supported Team Starmer's ideological brothers in both ICE and the sacred Israeli military. Victims of the Post Office scandal will doubtless join other patriots in rejoicing at the news that yet further functions of the great British State are to be entrusted to a corporate profiteer; especially if they know what's good for them.

Extreme Times Demand Innocuous Fiddling

Concerning the question of whether the plebs are poor enough, it is natural and predictable that Team Starmer's chief adviser should be the executive chair of a supermarket chain; yet the latest advice about what might be done to mitigate the effects of the Persian Crusade may still breach the bounds of what is moderate and sensible. Writing in that bastion of the honest and impoverished, the Murdoch on Sunday, the prosperity champion proclaims that he has requested Team Starmer to give its gracious consideration to a purely timid and temporary limit on oil profiteering. Few measures are more suited to Team Starmer policy than hopelessly diluted versions of those which should have been implemented decades ago and intensified with each new stage of the climate catastrophe; nevertheless, given Team Starmer's well-known ideological indulgence towards water profiteering, even the suggestion of a consideration may still be sliding a little too far towards the un-British and the antisemitic.

Breeding Will Out

In NATO and the special relationship alike, America's military subordinates are still scrambling to formulate their responses to the Persian Crusade. His Majesty's Government is so annoyed at the vagaries and insults of the Trumpster and his head-tribble that it is stepping up its collaboration in the war crimes, amid much stern finger-wagging at the mad mullahs for not sitting still and taking their medicine quietly. The Trumpster has also rebuked Japan, South Korea and Australia for dragging their feet on the march to World War III, provoking Australia to respond that it has in fact capitulated to every demand, actually, and has even signed a statement demanding that Iran behave itself. Such diplomatic robustness is surely an encouraging indication that, somewhere deep inside, the great Convict Commonwealth still retains the guts of the Pom.

Liberty With Truth

Since advanced and civilised countries are run on the basis, or at least the excuse, of pseudo-economics, it is doubtless an encouraging sign that Madagascar's new government is to be run on the basis of pseudo-science. Ministerial appointments will be conditional upon a polygraph test, in which candidates will have to show themselves liars no more than forty per cent of the time. Assuming that polygraphs could actually detect lies, this would constitute a substantially more rigorous vetting process than was ever imposed upon the National Johnson or the CEO of Team Starmer, let alone upon the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange, whether by their respective parties and corporations or by the great British public. Fortunately polygraphs cannot in fact detect lies, so the Malagasy measure is purely for show and therefore legitimately democratic. Whether it will prove as grown-up as claiming that a major capitalist economy resembles a maxed-out credit card, or implying that such an economy incorporates a fixed quantity of jobs which migrants can come along and steal, remains as yet unclear; but it is indubitably a valiant effort.

Relationships Are Our Specialty

Ominous noises are emerging from Cyprus, whose president has threatened an "open and frank discussion with the British government." Anyone lucky enough to be acquainted with our great nation's debate over migrant-bashing will be aware of the intimate relationship between open and frank discussion and kick 'em out, and the Cypriots' annoyance at being caught up in the Persian Crusade seems to augur a similar moral equivalence. Although His Majesty's Government retains bases on the island for convenience when wog-bombing the Middle East, it doesn't seem to have occurred to the master race that the Trumpster and his head-tribble might attack Iran, let alone that the mad mullahs might feel irritable enough to retaliate against anyone conniving at such an attack. Naturally, the beastly Euro-wogs are poised to take unfair advantage of the situation, and have announced their intention to favour the interests of Cyprus, a mere member state, over those of His Majesty's Government and its sovereign American territories.

Memory Holes

Proposals are being considered for the re-use of graves, which at the moment takes place only in London and the Church of England; the latter presumably because the only mouldered corpse that Anglicans need revere is the corpse of the Church itself. Recommendations for improvement include an increase in the time limit before graves can be re-used; and the extension of protections on military graves, whose contents are Government property and cannot be interfered with. It will be a melancholy day for British patriotism when the rotted remains of our glorious dead become just as indistinguishable as the rah-rah megaphoned by those who first fed them into the meat-grinder.