Not the Right Kind of Toxic

Team Starmer is once more empurpled with righteous indignation; this time because the Farage Falange candidate in the approaching Manchester by-election has received the endorsement of the Reverend Tommyrot Yaxleyson. Despite their shared concerns about living on an island of strangers, the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange does not approve of his reverence, whose social media presence and rabble-rousing potential threaten to distract the great British public from those of the Caudillo himself. Nevertheless, Team Starmer has sought to associate them, proclaiming that Yaxleyson's endorsement "shows who [the Falange candidate] really is and what he stands for;" which raises the intriguing question of who Team Starmer imagines its own Minister for Wog Disposal really is and what she stands for. One would surely have to be a very unpleasant sort of antisemite indeed to believe that Team Starmer considers guilt by association a valid charge only when it happens to be expedient for Team Starmer.

Gangster Diplomacy

With typically sinister subtlety, the Heathen Chinee have commemorated the visit by the CEO of Team Starmer with eleven executions. In defiance of all civilised values, the objects of the exercise had been found guilty of involvement in gang-related activities including "intentional homicide, intentional injury, unlawful detention, fraud and casino establishment," rather than political protest, melanin content or anything else that would be considered criminal among the friends of His Majesty's Government in Saudi Arabia or the USA. Since the CEO of Team Starmer denies any need to choose between the Trumpster and the beastly Euro-wogs, it is unlikely that he has many qualms about a détente with the Heathen Chinee, however dim a view they may take when it comes to fraud. It is to be hoped that the Trumpster and his head-tribble do not choose to regard such statesmanlike equanimity as condoning Beijing's most blatant disregard for American values since the onset of the global warming hoax.

Rentiers' Rights

Those who maintain that there are no significant differences between Team Starmer and Britain's four or five other right-wing parties will once more be confounded by the latest announcement on housing policy. While the Conservatives and their Liberal Democrat accomplices were entirely uninterested in ensuring that homes were fit for human habitation, Team Starmer intends giving slum landlords barely a decade to clean up their act. The benefits of these new and robust standards will be palpable for working people who rent their housing, provided they have sufficient pluck and gumption to rent it to others. Team Starmer's in-house estate agent proclaimed that leaving tenants to rot a bit longer would mean more time and certainty for the real people; presumably because the new standards are so replete with British robustitude that not even a Farage Falange government would have much inclination to lower them.

Selektion

Let our forgetfulness and mists
Of history elide
The Roma, gays and Communists
And other chaff who died.

Where due expediency exists,
Let memory abide;
Let all remembrance that resists
Be Holocaust denied.

Rabbi Benjamin of Gaza

Sane Enough For Some

The latest and least auspicious defection to the Farage Falange from its malformed and retarded parliamentary twin seems to have caused a brief moral lapse by the latter, which chose to snigger at Suella Braverman not on racial or sexual grounds, but on those of mental illness. Self-evidently, Braverman is neither poor enough nor Muslim enough to be considered Just Plain Evil; but the implication that the Conservative Party had been looking after her mental health was dangerous enough to bring about a rapid retraction. A show of concern for mental health in the workplace is about as likely to lure back the Farage Falange demographic as a facility for foreign languages or a preference for history over rah-rah.

Meanwhile, the nation's other main purveyors of Conservative policy frowned and tutted their disapproval. Something at Team Starmer's Ministry for Wog Control huffed and puffed about British values as if addressing a school assembly; while a spokesbeing for the Farage Falange proclaimed that it went without saying that Braverman could never have been diagnosed with a mental health condition: she is, for goodness' sake, a barrister with a Cambridge education. So self-evident was this reasoning that any assertion to the contrary was a gross affront to those patriotic millions whose robust common sense and unerring contact with reality have got the master race and the Farage Falange where they are today.

Support For Our Boys

Despite Team Starmer's repeated proclamations that Britain has no need to choose between European partnership and American vassalage, it seems the beastly Euro-wogs remain ungrateful for the nuance. The freedom of movement of some plucky little patriots has been curtailed by the French authorities, despite the incursion being named after Mr Churchill's personal victory over Charles de Gaulle. The cadres in question are led by a disciple of the Reverend Tommyrot Yaxleyson, whose recent endorsement of Team Starmer's assault on asylum has done so much for the Government's approval ratings. Nevertheless, the Ministry for Wog Disposal has yet to comment on the matter; presumably because Team Starmer's policy-makers at the Farage Falange are too busy making flags and knitting socks to issue the appropriate guidance.

Pacific Intentions

Unlike Iran, the United Kingdom, or even the Palestinian Free State, North Korea possesses an independent nuclear deterrent; hence the War Department in the kingdom of the Trumpster and his head-tribble has elected to treat the Democratic Republic with an appropriate lack of casual contempt. Under the pretext of protecting the homeland from the looming threats of Canada, Denmark and the enemy within, the Pentagon predicts a more limited role for the World Cop in deterring the poorer, less populous and less industrialised half of the Korean peninsula from unauthorised re-unification with the other half. Rather, the Pentagon's Asia-Pacific concern will concentrate on protecting Taiwan from the Heathen Chinee, whose history of military aggression over the past half-century has been practically the equal of North Korea's own.

Yet Another Irish Question

Even in the midst of being starved, massacred and partitioned, Ireland has rarely been among the more grateful beneficiaries of British imperialism; and the possibility of a board game based on the Troubles has elicited an expectably dour response. Though not yet ready for sale, the game has been advertised on the website of its US-based manufacturer, whose company president defended it on educational grounds: nobody under thirty in America can be bothered to watch a documentary, let alone pick up a book, so history must be told in more engaging ways, such as a game involving two hundred and fifty-nine "rich narrative cards" and two hundred pages of instructions. Nevertheless, a victims' rights organisation in Northern Ireland has protested that the game oversimplifies the issue, and that its existence could re-traumatise any survivors who see it marketed. Happily, assuming that the game's educational ambitions survive its developmental rigors, it seems unlikely to become much more engaging without also, perish the thought, becoming rather less historical; so those who live long enough to be re-traumatised may well end up relatively few.

Schrödinger's Cuts

Another Farage Falange local authority has been sorting things out and getting things done with near-Starmerite straightforwardness and efficiency. Having previously published a timetable for the closure of five care homes, the Lancashire county cadre is now squealing that it never actually intended to close the care homes actually, and also that the care homes will receive investment, and also that no decision about the care homes has yet been made. Five day-care centres are also subject to "review," and the obvious course of action would be for the council to save money for the upkeep of one or two of the cheaper old folks' homes by closing all those facilities for over-diagnosed shirkers who ought to be out stacking shelves or joining the army. It remains to be seen whether the Farage Falange intends quite so moderate and sensible a solution as that.

Escape to Alcatraz

It's always the way. No sooner had the deal-detecting gaze of the Trumpster and his head-tribble been fleetingly diverted from the security of the homeland than some dirty, mangy dog took unfair advantage, becoming apparently the first coyote to swim to Alcatraz. Besides being made without the blessing of ICE, the journey seems also to have been accomplished without the aid of ACME, whose technological innovation and mastery of the laws of physics so elegantly resemble the Trumpster's own. This no doubt accounts for the fact that the coyote arrived cold and wet, but not squashed, scorched, macerated, pulverised, or about to undergo an involuntary rockward descent from an unsafe altitude. The animal is assumed to have come from a nearby island or else from San Francisco, perhaps in the belief that a former prison is better than a future one.