The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, May 13, 2025

Orange Free State

Even the staunchest protector of homeland values would probably admit that not all immigrants are the same: there are the decent ones who work hard and play by the rules, and then there are those others. By the grace of God, those who steal jobs and commit crimes usually turn out to carry a telltale mark which provides a handy warning to the discerning patriot; and some such subtle clue is doubtless what has enabled the Trumpster and his head-tribble to eructate the tangerine vapours of their compassion upon the grateful heads of some white South Africans claiming racial discrimination. The matter has provoked one refugee agency, attached to the Episcopal church, to dissolve its partnership with the federal government; although given that an Episcopal bishop has already been caught offering a public prayer for mercy towards the Trumpster's victims, it seems unlikely that their association could have continued very happily in any case. Still, as another Christian agency pointed out, the prompt and efficient processing of the persecuted Afrikaners does demonstrate that the government is capable of screening and aiding those refugees whose melanin content is not so excessively Hamitic or Hispanic as to result in unacceptable administrative difficulties.

Monday, May 12, 2025

Hot Property

Investigators of a small fire in the ungodly hours at a house owned by the CEO of Team Starmer have so far not denied that the blaze resulted from a minor demon turning up to claim its due. There seems little purpose in such coyness and reticence, given that no self-respecting devil would care to fence a soul so manifestly undersized and so fragrant with the territorial secretions of corporate capitalism and the Farage Falange. In fact the CEO of Team Starmer is no longer living at the house, but is reportedly renting it out in order to keep starvation at bay now that he has to pay for his own football tickets; so the likeliest cause of the fire is a sudden and inadequately controlled surge of mammalian warmth when the current tenants took up residence.

Sunday, May 11, 2025

Calling Names

The United Mexican States have filed a lawsuit against Google over the Trumpster administration's unilateral Murcanisation of the Gulf of Mexico. Since only part of the Gulf is over continental shelf belonging to the kingdom of the head-tribble, it follows that only that part can be legitimately re-christened by the head-tribble's quasi-divine decree. Nevertheless, for all Google Maps users in the realm of the Trumpster can tell, the new name has been imposed upon the entire Gulf, to the incalculable detriment of educational standards and geographical knowledge among the head-tribble's serfs and subjects. Patriots in the former Republic will no doubt be relieved at the lack of precedent for a nation of united states inflicting humiliating defeat upon an arbitrary colonial government headed by a monarch of German extraction and questionable cognitive ability.

Saturday, May 10, 2025

Those Who Truly Support Peace

Squeals of moral outrage are forthcoming from the EU after the leaders of Slovakia and Serbia disobeyed orders and attended Russia's military parade, which was also and purely incidentally a commemoration of the Great Patriotic War and not in any way related to recent military parades which have taken place elsewhere in honour of Mr Churchill and other fighters for peace. Russia's military forces are engaged in an illegal invasion of Ukraine, which the EU deplores because it is entirely dissimilar to the Righteous State's illegal rampage in Gaza, the West Bank, Lebanon, Syria and Iran, which the EU is facilitating. The actions of the Serbian and Slovakian leaders in appeasing an authoritarian gangster régime in a country much larger and more powerful than their own certainly bear no meaningful resemblance to the diplomatic efforts of Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring in crawling up the Trumpster's non-speaking sphincter, primarily though not exclusively because the actions of the Serbian and Slovakian leaders are unlikely to bring material profit to Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring. Above all, the Great Patriotic War is nowhere near as good an excuse as the Holocaust, because the victims of the latter were retrospective cadres of the Righteous State and the victims of the former merely Communists.

Friday, May 09, 2025

Always Put One in the Brain

After several years of cruel and unusual punishment by botched lethal injection, it looks as if the Christian state of South Carolina has taken up cruel and unusual punishment by botched firing squad. Rejecting the quick and easy Genickschuss as practised by the comparatively humane and efficient Nazi and Stalinist régimes, the Christian state of South Carolina insists upon its executioners aiming at the heart. In at least one case, penitential projectile dispensation operatives appear to have confused the heart with the pancreas, the liver and the lung area, with prolonged and presumably indecorous results. Whether the Christian state of South Carolina will be trawling its more homicidal school student bodies for recruits to the custodial cardiac arrest trade remains as yet unclear.

Thursday, May 08, 2025

Culture Shock

Since the Trumpster and his head-tribble don't believe in history and don't know what art is, one or two difficulties are understandably emerging as regards collaboration between art historians inside and outside the Land of the Free. At least one Dutch museum is debating whether to lend items to its US counterparts in the face of funding cuts and the Trumpster administration's ongoing purge of all that is improper, divisive or ideologically anti-American. Works held at the Mauritshuis include Vermeer's improper Girl with a Pearl Earring, in which the bling on display is notoriously austere; as well as Rembrandt's un-American Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicolaes Tulp, which depicts an image of the one true God being dissected in the name not only of science, but of education as well. Yet more ominously, the museum is located at the Hague, where non-white war criminals occasionally get their come-uppance; and although there is as yet no record of an orange felon being put on trial there, it would hardly be surprising if the head-tribble found caution advisable.

Wednesday, May 07, 2025

Bash the Bats, Other the Otters

Given the ministerial sneers and sniggers that have emerged from Team Starmer about allowing bats and newts to stand in the way of homes for hard-working British families, it was perhaps inevitable that the Government's own analysis would indicate the presence of no such problem. The proposed planning and infrastructure bill is intended to roll back the green crap not because environmental legislation hinders infrastructure projects, but because landlords and construction firms tend to have a more profitable time when they have to obey fewer rules. Presumably the lesson learned by Team Starmer will be to emulate their recently ejected Conservative models and refrain from commissioning any impact assessments that might place disreputable motives in disrepute; which given Team Starmer's likely motives would indubitably mean considerable efficiency savings on impact assessments. Then again, if mere evidence or the lack of it were a significant factor in our mother of democracies the Labour Party would never have undergone its antisemitism crisis and subsequent ideological cleansing, with fiscally disadvantageous consequences to all sorts of sensible and moderate persons.

Tuesday, May 06, 2025

Reform Begins at Home

Doubtless owing to some dirty work by immigrants and the like, the Farage Falange has somehow been deceived into giving the appearance of having said the thing that is not, and has thereby incurred a backhanded social media tribute from a parliamentary expenses claimant whose own Dear Leader promised change so as to deliver more of the same. Although the strutting Caudillo has repeatedly preached upon the perils of working from home, which causes unacceptable levels of idleness in the little people, his company has advertised for at least one regional Gauleiter with an offer of "home working with occasional travel." Of course, such non-ideological flexibilty of approach may simply indicate that the Falange is at last proving worthy of a permanent place in the mainstream of British politics; but it does rather go against the straightforward, no-nonsense demeanour in which the strutting Caudillo and his accomplices habitually trick out their nonsensical crookery.

Monday, May 05, 2025

Our History, Our Values, Your Service

Now wave the British bunting and put on your forties togs
To celebrate the plucky chaps who beat the beastly wogs:
In darkest days they stalwart stood and bravely bore the brunt,
While Communists were basking on the balmy Eastern Front.

Some celebrate the workers in the early days of May,
But British values favour those more given to obey:
Who'll always do the proper thing no matter where they roam,
And aid a genocide abroad or break a strike at home.

Take pride in our professionals who always need new toys,
And properly repay those Attlee-voting conscript boys:
They fought the fiendish Fascists in those gallant days of old,
And that's why you should rah-rah and do just as you are told.

Victor Britton

Sunday, May 04, 2025

Religious Liberty

Even hideously mutated, radioactively diarrhoeic head-tribbles have a sense of humour, and the specimen squatting atop the Trumpster has never shown itself lacking in that department. The latest jolly jape to be defecated into the tangerine tribble-transporter's cranial cavity has caused some indignation at the Vatican, which apparently believes that the foregathering of some peculiar old men in scarlet dresses to elect one of themselves official deputy to the Deity is not a fitting subject for mockery. Equally solemn offence will doubtless be taken at the idea that the Church of Rome could ever be properly represented by a wealthy authoritarian sex pest with a penchant for persecution, a dislike for women's rights and a stern moral attitude towards the private lives of others.