Who Could Possibly Have Foreseen It?

There is no pleasing some people, and various local authority malcontents who squealed with indignation at Team Starmer's proposed postponement of council elections are now squealing with indignation at the cancellation of the said postponement. The chair of the District Councils' Network even implied that a government which unilaterally endowed the Righteous State with the legal right to inflict collective punishment on civilians might have a less than altogether secure grasp on issues of law. Although several council leaders did shrug the matter off as a more or less routine fiasco, others are waxing indignant, having somehow failed to plan for the possibility that Team Starmer, of all the empty middle-management suits in the world, might proclaim a decision and then, in short order, be induced to decide otherwise.

Performative Virtue

Recent objections against actors pretending to be people they're not have been taken to a new level by a theatre audience in western Germany. An actor delivering a climactic monologue as a right-wing agitator was heckled, pelted and nearly assaulted by spectators who were apparently expecting something more anodyne from a play subtitled The Beauty of Killing Fascists. Doubtless those employing Nazi disruption tactics against what they presumably considered degenerate art were motivated by the best intentions, and will pass on their stage rage with alacrity when the polite young men from AfD arrive at their homes for a chat about what is only common sense.

A Cunning Stratagem

With the Heathen Chinee military suffering a degree of emotional instability after recent purges, the kingdom of the Trumpster and his head-tribble is stepping up its efforts to preserve liberty, truth and plucky little Taiwan. The ever more hilariously-named Central Intelligence Agency has reached out to its little yellow brothers in the hope of recruiting a traitor or two, and has shown uncommon cultural sensitivity in recording its propaganda videos in Mandarin. Beijing has removed several high-ranking officers from their posts on grounds of corruption, so it is to be hoped that sufficient numbers of useful Heathen Chinee will be aware that the risk of such persecution in the kingdom of the Trumpster and his head-tribble is considerably lower than the risk of being fatally shot by the racial purification militia.

Marching Back In

Look not at Mandy nor at me,
For that would not be fair -
Look over there instead, and see
That savage Russian Bear.

We may not like to integrate
With dirty Huns and Frogs;
But all must now co-operate
In fighting bigger wogs.

Our Brexit days were way back when,
So now we wish to be
Inside the good old club again,
If not to pay the fee.

Manly Scrapper

Seamless Britishness

In yet another political manoeuvre designed to defeat the Farage Falange by becoming the Farage Falange, the Ministry for Wog Control is to institute punitive measures against those who cannot make up their minds to be British. Starting on the eve of the Manchester by-election, people with dual nationality will be denied entry to the country unless they either have a British passport or pay a fine of £589 in return for a certificate of racial acceptability. Any foreign-born children of British citizens will also be treated as Euro-wogs by default until they demonstrate the proper degree of fiscal patriotism. Nevertheless, while this ministerial master-stroke has prompted an outcry from British expatriates resentful of being treated like immigrants, it remains once more unclear whether the Farage Falange will condescend to be appeased.

Transformative Moderation Within the Bounds of the Hypothetical

Whatever its troubles on the electability front, Team Starmer remains determined to push through its agenda for change; hence the announcement by Wideboy Wesley Streeting that years of below-inflation pay rises for NHS personnel are to be moderately and sensibly transmogrified with a below-inflation pay rise for NHS personnel. Since so many frontline NHS workers are immigrants, the imposition of another de facto cut will win over yet more Farage Falange voters with legitimate and understandable concerns about costs to the taxpayer; while the Labour membership's vision of Wideboy Wesley as a prince in waiting will be healthily tarnished by association with an unpopular parsimony. Displaying their usual skewed sense of priority, the unions have shown little appreciation for these subtleties, even though the pay rise is below the rate of inflation only from the limited and doubtless borderline-antisemitic viewpoint of current reality. When considered alongside a rate of inflation that is purely anticipatory and unencumbered by vulgar actuality, the Streeting largesse in fact stands quivering on the verge of the noticeable. Let's hope he hasn't gone too far.

Draped in Decency

Being a mere six hundred and seventy-seven million in debt, a Labour council has decided to increase the merriment of its taxpayers by dispensing grants of £500 for "community groups and parish councils" to put up flagpoles and fly the union jack and the cross of St George. The gesture is all the more sensitive in the wake of recent attempts by local patriots to burn asylum seekers alive in the name of those very same rags of rah-rah; and the excuse that the idea is to reclaim their symbolism for the nice people might sound less threadbare from a party whose leadership hadn't spent the last year and a half protesting that they are too deporting more wogs. One resident whose mosque was daubed for St George opined that the council "has no idea what it’s doing" - which, given the leadership's Island of Strangers rhetoric, seems more than a little uncharitable.

The Pleasure Without the Pain

It appears that not even the potential pleasures of a migrant-free zone are enough to persuade Europeans to risk detention, interrogation and summary execution by entering the Kingdom of the Trumpster. The number of Americans travelling to Europe also fell last year, although it remains unclear how far this was due to the threat of war over Greenland or to the belief that the continent had gone Muslim. Many of those forsaking the USA have opted instead for the United Arab Emirates, where an atmosphere of arbitrary government and capitalistic fundamentalism can be enjoyed without excessive risk to life and limb.

It Seemed So Commonsensical

Britain's liberation from the Strasbrussels yoke continues to throw up all manner of surprises, and the latest is that exports of farm products to the EU have declined by some forty per cent. According to the president of the National Farmers' Union, among the beastly Euro-wogs "there aren’t empty spaces on the shelves with a label saying 'waiting for British products'," which is typically unhelpful of them. Hence, contrary to all the most patriotic forecasts by the Farage Falange and its fellow travellers, it seems that cutting off our biggest and nearest trading partner has not as yet proved a particularly rapid route to national prosperity. Doubtless the straightforward British pragmatism of a future Farage Falange administration will speedily resolve the paradox.

Even Change Can Go Too Far

We are all aware by now that nobody who worked closely with Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring had the slightest idea that anything might possibly be amiss about him; and such innocence is particularly poignant in the case of the Minister for Poverty and Workfare, who dispensed some moral advice today. Since Lord Mandelbrot is too generous a beneficiary of the taxpayer's money to be considered a scrounger or a shirker, the minister and hurriedly-former ally recommended a voluntary refund of the payment he received as a reward for being sacked. Others are going further and calling for the resignation of the CEO of Team Starmer and even of the prime minister, Morgan McSweeney; but the Minister for Poverty and Workfare balks at such rashness. The idea of penalising a government functionary for being a serial crook is dangerous enough; but the idea of resignation on grounds of incompetence is well beyond the boundaries of the moderate and sensible.