No Price Too High

Dark forces are trying to disunite our island of strangers by stirring up rage about asylum seekers, so naturally the Ministry for Wog Control is going to take yet further decisively noisy measures to drown out any rage about squillionaires. The ministerial expenses claimant for locking 'em up and kicking 'em out has proclaimed that the swarming hordes could be made to pay for the privilege of detention and processing via seizure of whatever jewellery, cars and money in the bank they may have sneaked into the country. Dispensations might possibly be made for jewellery with sentimental value, assuming some reliable method could be developed for gauging the sincerity of the alien and primitive sentiments in question. Even so, despite the British tolerance inherent in such measures, it seems unlikely they will prove adequate to the all-important task of securing the Farage Falange vote. With a cold snap already upon us and winter drawing near, patriots will surely wonder why Britons should have to struggle with their heating bills while asylum seekers get to keep their gold teeth, their hair and the clothes they stand up in.

How Dare They Dump on the Real People

Free enterprisers in Oxfordshire have created a buccaneering open-cast landfill with waste stacked ten metres high. The cost of clearing up could be exceed the council's entire annual budget, and the local House of Commons expenses claimant for the Deputy Conservatives is spluttering with righteous indignation at the injustice of it all. Although environmental catastrophes are excusable and indeed meritorious when caused by the right sort of people and in the right parts of the world, it seems that the perpetrators of this particular rollback of the green crap have been unduly stingy with their directorships.

Signing Slightly Off

Even the most rabid and radioactive head-tribble has to sleep some time, and the suspicious similarity of several signatures on official documents has prompted concerns that the Trumpster's controller may occasionally be dozing at the dashboard. While blaming the anomaly on subordinates, technical errors and (inevitably) the Democratic Party, spokesbeings proclaimed that the Trumpster's hand did in fact sign each of the papers, but cunningly refrained from specifying the source of the muscle movements. The documents in question include pardons for a sex pest, a tax-dodger and a political thug, so it seems most likely that the head-tribble assumed the Trumpster was pardoning himself and therefore excreted identical signatorial impulses into the cranial cavity several times over. In any case, patriotic Britons will be gratified to see the uppity colony reverting to a rubber-stamp monarchy on the good old mainland model.

Yellow Press Peril

Although immigrant taxpayers are notoriously unwelcome in our precious NHS and other public services, there has never been much difficulty with an occasional utility or media outlet being taken over by corporate tax-dodgers. Team Starmer has relaxed the restrictions on foreign governments owning British newspapers; but with the everlasting sale of the Maily Toryguff matters have finally gone too far, as the only buyer willing to pay the asking price has been forced to withdraw from the bidding process in the face of calls for investigation into its links with certain beastly foreigns. Part-ownership by a sheikh in Abu Dhabi and a Ukrainian-born oligarch may be just about acceptable; but the consortium in question also consorts with the Heathen Chinee, whose slant on free speech and human rights the denizens of the Toryguff rah-and-blah room clearly found intolerably lax and liberal.

Toxic Reactions

Not content with hesitating to support the Venezuela vendetta, Team Starmer has further offended the Trumpster administration by handing the contract for a new generation of blanched radioactive pachyderms to a British manufacturer. Team Starmer plans, if plans is the word I want, to reduce carbon emissions by putting two and a half billion or so into new uses for the nation's copious reserves of sustainable uranium, and the head-tribble's local mouthpiece proclaimed the Trumpster administration extremely disappointed that the money is not being utilised for the benefit of a US company in which the Trumpster administration may soon have a stake. Instead the money will go to Rolls-Royce, which Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring evidently did not have time to hand over to the Trumpster during his brief ambassadorial stint.

Sacred Heart

As long ago as 2023 the Vicar of Christ was bold enough to caution his flock that apparitions of an immaculately conceived miracle-working pregnant Iron Age virgin are not always real; indeed, it even appears that some may be contrived merely in order to separate fools from their money without any resulting communion between the money and the Vatican. An alleged mystic with a cardiac surname has foretold the Church's taking over by communism; which would be heartily unpleasant for an institution accommodated by Mussolini, indulged by General Franco and ruled by the Venerable Pacelli. Blood on a supposedly weeping statue of the Virgin was claimed by a private investigator to have come from a pig, although why God could not have made it appear that way in order to test the faithful remains as yet a holy mystery. Fortunately the Church, whose Saviour promised two thousand years ago that His second coming would occur within the lifetime of His contemporaries, has lately tightened its rules against the blandishments of false prophets.

Poodle Whines

While His Majesty's Government has no objection to abetting the occasional genocide, it seems there are limits. British intelligence, for whatever that may be worth, has paused its sharing relationship with the World Cop in the Caribbean, apparently because the Trumpster administration's policy of replacing due process with extrajudicial assassination in alleged drug-smuggling cases might one day prove a source of embarrassment. Further qualms may arise should the Trumpster and his head-tribble decide upon a pre-emptive strike to forestall a Venezuelan invasion of the United States, as a Royal Navy officer is serving as navigator aboard one of the ships in the Trumpster armada. There are even rumours that the head of the FBI recently kept a pledge in Team Starmer fashion by promising to protect the job of a particular spook and then promptly abolishing it, causing incredulity among British intelligence officials who hadn't yet caught up with the idea that the chap in charge of a national political police, let alone a Trumpster appointee, might tell an occasional fib.

Lizard Droppings

As the hurricane season draws to its end, the loving God of the United States must needs have recourse to other means of chastising His chosen people. Despite the Trumpster's tariffs, Canada has somehow managed to export an Arctic blast of record low temperatures which, besides refuting yet further the Heathen Chinee hoax of global warming, is likely to cause a polar plunge across two-thirds of the Free World. Not even the sacred realm of Ronald of the Saints is to be spared: residents of the Christian state of Florida have been warned to beware of falling iguanas, and weather experts have emphasised that the threat should be taken seriously. Indeed, less three years ago God chastised a man for practising yoga by allowing him to be injured by a plummeting iguana; so it would be imprudent to doubt that He means business.

The Cause

Because in our great game they were the pawns with which we scored,
We'll wait around a while and try to keep from looking bored;
If volunteer, if conscript, when they joined us in our fight,
They truly earned their pittance if they died for what is Right.
In their remembrance we'll invest a minute - make it two -
Because they gave it all for us, not for themselves or you.
We'll stand here looking sombre in our poppy-pimping suits
And tolerate the breaking-off from filling of our boots,
In memory of those who served their Government and Crown
By helping keep the profits up and hold the rabble down.

Gloria Stead

Political Football

It may safely be assumed that Team Starmer is preparing to purge the Football Association of Ireland from the international sporting community, given that organisation's passing of a resolution against the Righteous State. The resolution approves submitting a formal motion to ban Israel from European club and international competitions, on the grounds of failure to implement a proper anti-racism policy and of usurping the footballing prerogatives of the Palestinian Untermenschen. Such self-evidently absurd and antisemitic objections cannot help but inflame the indignation of the Trumpster and his head-tribble, whose kingdom will be co-hosting next year's World Cup and who have doubtless already supplied the Israeli team with the weapons and body armour necessary to sweep aside all opposition until the final against the team from Trumpsterland.