What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

No statesman can prosper without learning the correct lessons from history, and having already waved aside medical confidentiality, national security and intellectual property rights in the interests of private profit, His Majesty's Government could hardly be expected to hold the taxpayer's financial data particularly sacred. Accordingly, the Financial Conduct Authority is going to spend the next three months throwing taxpayers' money at Palantir in return for the privilege of giving Palantir access to some eminently saleable information. The company, which is named after a highly selective surveillance device in a fantasy universe where virtuous races combine to wipe out an evil race, was founded by a sponsor of the Trumpster and his head-tribble, and has supported Team Starmer's ideological brothers in both ICE and the sacred Israeli military. Victims of the Post Office scandal will doubtless join other patriots in rejoicing at the news that yet further functions of the great British State are to be entrusted to a corporate profiteer; especially if they know what's good for them.

Extreme Times Demand Innocuous Fiddling

Concerning the question of whether the plebs are poor enough, it is natural and predictable that Team Starmer's chief adviser should be the executive chair of a supermarket chain; yet the latest advice about what might be done to mitigate the effects of the Persian Crusade may still breach the bounds of what is moderate and sensible. Writing in that bastion of the honest and impoverished, the Murdoch on Sunday, the prosperity champion proclaims that he has requested Team Starmer to give its gracious consideration to a purely timid and temporary limit on oil profiteering. Few measures are more suited to Team Starmer policy than hopelessly diluted versions of those which should have been implemented decades ago and intensified with each new stage of the climate catastrophe; nevertheless, given Team Starmer's well-known ideological indulgence towards water profiteering, even the suggestion of a consideration may still be sliding a little too far towards the un-British and the antisemitic.

Breeding Will Out

In NATO and the special relationship alike, America's military subordinates are still scrambling to formulate their responses to the Persian Crusade. His Majesty's Government is so annoyed at the vagaries and insults of the Trumpster and his head-tribble that it is stepping up its collaboration in the war crimes, amid much stern finger-wagging at the mad mullahs for not sitting still and taking their medicine quietly. The Trumpster has also rebuked Japan, South Korea and Australia for dragging their feet on the march to World War III, provoking Australia to respond that it has in fact capitulated to every demand, actually, and has even signed a statement demanding that Iran behave itself. Such diplomatic robustness is surely an encouraging indication that, somewhere deep inside, the great Convict Commonwealth still retains the guts of the Pom.

Liberty With Truth

Since advanced and civilised countries are run on the basis, or at least the excuse, of pseudo-economics, it is doubtless an encouraging sign that Madagascar's new government is to be run on the basis of pseudo-science. Ministerial appointments will be conditional upon a polygraph test, in which candidates will have to show themselves liars no more than forty per cent of the time. Assuming that polygraphs could actually detect lies, this would constitute a substantially more rigorous vetting process than was ever imposed upon the National Johnson or the CEO of Team Starmer, let alone upon the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange, whether by their respective parties and corporations or by the great British public. Fortunately polygraphs cannot in fact detect lies, so the Malagasy measure is purely for show and therefore legitimately democratic. Whether it will prove as grown-up as claiming that a major capitalist economy resembles a maxed-out credit card, or implying that such an economy incorporates a fixed quantity of jobs which migrants can come along and steal, remains as yet unclear; but it is indubitably a valiant effort.

Relationships Are Our Specialty

Ominous noises are emerging from Cyprus, whose president has threatened an "open and frank discussion with the British government." Anyone lucky enough to be acquainted with our great nation's debate over migrant-bashing will be aware of the intimate relationship between open and frank discussion and kick 'em out, and the Cypriots' annoyance at being caught up in the Persian Crusade seems to augur a similar moral equivalence. Although His Majesty's Government retains bases on the island for convenience when wog-bombing the Middle East, it doesn't seem to have occurred to the master race that the Trumpster and his head-tribble might attack Iran, let alone that the mad mullahs might feel irritable enough to retaliate against anyone conniving at such an attack. Naturally, the beastly Euro-wogs are poised to take unfair advantage of the situation, and have announced their intention to favour the interests of Cyprus, a mere member state, over those of His Majesty's Government and its sovereign American territories.

Memory Holes

Proposals are being considered for the re-use of graves, which at the moment takes place only in London and the Church of England; the latter presumably because the only mouldered corpse that Anglicans need revere is the corpse of the Church itself. Recommendations for improvement include an increase in the time limit before graves can be re-used; and the extension of protections on military graves, whose contents are Government property and cannot be interfered with. It will be a melancholy day for British patriotism when the rotted remains of our glorious dead become just as indistinguishable as the rah-rah megaphoned by those who first fed them into the meat-grinder.

Shanks' Penny

While it would hardly be true to say that Team Starmer never rushes into anything, one must do it the justice to admit that the things it does rush into tend to be moderate and sensible activities like purging progressives, throwing the nation's resources into climate-wrecking infoslop hubs, or appointing Lord Mandelbrot the Infinitely Recurring ambassador to the Kingdom of the Trumpster. When it comes to anything dangerous or extreme, such as genocide prevention, wealth taxes or profiteer curtailment, Team Starmer has resolutely refused to be hasty; and its response to the economic ramifications of the Persian Crusade is no exception. No commitment has been made by the party of working people regarding the likely jump in energy prices on top of the current overcharge; but every penny that makes its way from public pocket to private profit will now do so under scrutiny from something called Michael Shanks, which is doubtless a great comfort.

Sensible Triangulation for Moderate Criminality

Since the CEO of Team Starmer has proclaimed that the mainland will not be drawn into the wider war in the Middle East, we may doubtless be assured that Team Starmer is considering means for aiding and abetting the wider war in the Middle East without unduly risking its own interests. Several of the lesser breeds have indicated their unwillingness fo participate more directly, but Britain is "looking through the options;" while the CEO of Team Starmer made sure to concur with the Trumpster and his head-tribble about the re-obliteration of Iran's military capability and the need for the region's famous security and stability to be re-established. Team Starmer's attitude to the cleansing of Gaza has already demonstrated that His Majesty's Government has no particular problem with war crimes, and no doubt Team Starmer will be happy to sit back and derive what profit can be derived provided the Persian Crusade proves genocidal enough.

A Vital Trade

We thank you, O great British mother
(And trust that our thanks are enough),
For giving the world yet another
Consumer to squeal for more stuff.

We thank you for all new meat plying
Meat's route (though it's sometimes a chore)
To rot via breeding and buying:
God knows we can always use more.

Patty Rishon

Exceptional Circumstances

British prosperity creators in the vicinity of the Persian Crusade are showing their staunch Blitz spirit by fleeing to the European Union; although a few of them have said they will condescend to take up residence on the mainland provided the Government lets them dodge their taxes for another couple of months. Despite the Persian Crusade having been operative for all of a fortnight, Team Starmer has so far shown little sign of caving in, even though it would require little more than a change of wording in the travel advice issued by the Ministry for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets. Meanwhile it is to be hoped that opponents of the Persian Crusade are appropriately grateful, since they have escaped general denunciation as traitors, antisemites, useful idiots, or minions of the mad mullahs precisely because of the unusual inconvenience which this particular Crusade is inflicting on wealthy tax dodgers.