Don't Collide Your Bosons Before Counting Your Beans

With bluff British practicality very much to the fore, His Majesty's Government has extended the political establishment's brain drain to the less fiscally sustainable industry of scientific research. No country that holds education in such casual contempt as the United Kingdom can afford to care very much about science, and successive administrations have shown understandable wariness towards a discipline that concerns itself at best with mere facts, and at worst with expensive technologies that have little or nothing to do with either profitable population control at home or profitable wog-bombing abroad. Despite this self-evident common sense, young scientists are actively and perversely seeking to turn themselves into migrants among the Heathen Chinee or, worse yet, among the beastly Euro-wogs, rather than remaining to participate in the coming paradise of salesmen, soldiers and shelf-stackers.

Economical with the Climate

Given that His Majesty's Government has previously pledged more help for poorer countries in dealing with the climate catastrophe, it will come as no surprise that Team Starmer is once more rowing back on the green crap even though the Trumpster and his head-tribble have done the same. Having promised to help triple climate-related finance to the global plebs, our nation of plucky little pragmatists now plans a real-terms cut of some forty per cent. Doubtless the money saved will find a worthier use, whether in augmenting Palantir's incentives to improve the NHS or in providing appropriate bonuses for hard-working water company executives. True, Britain's security services have warned that the consequences of ecological collapse may not be entirely confined to the lesser breeds; but patriots of the Team Starmer calibre can hardly be expected to fall in with such flag-folding pessimism as that.

Fratelli d'empietà

Church authorities in Rome have ordered the decapitation of an angel in a fresco after an amateur restorer made it look like Giorgia Meloni. The worldly visage was scraped off overnight, and the Church has steered refreshingly clear of any pieties about not wishing to be associated with fascism, demagoguery or the "politics of division." Instead, the local cardinal proclaimed that sacred images should not be inappropriately exploited while their copyright belongs to Vatican Incorporated; while the parish priest complained that the rabble had come to view the icon rather than for the magical chunterings, like people attending a Nuremberg Rally for the torchlight instead of the speeches.

Unreliable Partners

Just when it seemed that the beastly Euro-wogs might be prepared to make themselves worthy of wog-bombing alongside the mainland, a potential crisis of conscience has been precipitated by the perfidious French. An investigating magistrate has summonsed two people over alleged attempts to hinder the delivery of humanitarian aid during the recent pacification of the Palestinian Untermenschen; one of the pair belongs to a group which even the Biden administration found too violent and extremist, although the Trumpster and his head-tribble have lifted the sanctions that were imposed. All this will gall the lily-white conscience of the CEO of Team Starmer; partly because it once again implies that some sort of choice must be made between partnership with the beastly foreigners and servitude to the kingdom of the Trumpster, but mostly because it also implies that activities on behalf of the Righteous State may be considered potentially criminal, rather than merely morally unacceptable enough to do absolutely nothing about.

Oh, Mandy

A shocking business, this:
Who ever would have thought,
With previous like his,
That Mandy could be bought?

He'd leg-hump the rich set
To statesmanlike degree;
Who could have known he'd get
Into bad company?

'Tis conduct far below
The standard we'd expected
Of anyone we know
From office thrice ejected.

Greer C Palmer

Life Goes On

Regardless of the unfortunate events in Minnesota, shootings at the other end of the Kingdom of the Trumpster seem to be proceeding much as usual. An attack on a Mardi Gras parade in Louisiana bore none of the virtues that distinguish your average fortnightly ICE assassination: none of the victims has died, video evidence is apparently to be considered evidence, and the Trumpster's local goon has branded the whole business horrific and unacceptable. In an equally routine and reassuring development, the said goon also urged thoughts and prayers as a cheap and convenient alternative to public health and gun control.

Entente Contraire

Having previously flounced out of negotiations and blamed the beastly French, Team Starmer may now condescend to give the Euro-wogs another chance at agreeing a collective wog-bombing agenda. Recent eructations by the Trumpster and his head-tribble may have concentrated minds on the Continent, although on the mainland His Majesty's Government remains decisively opposed to excessive independence from Washington. Talks broke down in November, apparently because the master race once again wanted to be in the club without paying the membership fee; other factors may also have been involved, although it remains as yet unclear whether recent British triumphs of military planning were among them.

Not the Right Kind of Toxic

Team Starmer is once more empurpled with righteous indignation; this time because the Farage Falange candidate in the approaching Manchester by-election has received the endorsement of the Reverend Tommyrot Yaxleyson. Despite their shared concerns about living on an island of strangers, the strutting Caudillo of the Farage Falange does not approve of his reverence, whose social media presence and rabble-rousing potential threaten to distract the great British public from those of the Caudillo himself. Nevertheless, Team Starmer has sought to associate them, proclaiming that Yaxleyson's endorsement "shows who [the Falange candidate] really is and what he stands for;" which raises the intriguing question of who Team Starmer imagines its own Minister for Wog Disposal really is and what she stands for. One would surely have to be a very unpleasant sort of antisemite indeed to believe that Team Starmer considers guilt by association a valid charge only when it happens to be expedient for Team Starmer.

Gangster Diplomacy

With typically sinister subtlety, the Heathen Chinee have commemorated the visit by the CEO of Team Starmer with eleven executions. In defiance of all civilised values, the objects of the exercise had been found guilty of involvement in gang-related activities including "intentional homicide, intentional injury, unlawful detention, fraud and casino establishment," rather than political protest, melanin content or anything else that would be considered criminal among the friends of His Majesty's Government in Saudi Arabia or the USA. Since the CEO of Team Starmer denies any need to choose between the Trumpster and the beastly Euro-wogs, it is unlikely that he has many qualms about a détente with the Heathen Chinee, however dim a view they may take when it comes to fraud. It is to be hoped that the Trumpster and his head-tribble do not choose to regard such statesmanlike equanimity as condoning Beijing's most blatant disregard for American values since the onset of the global warming hoax.

Rentiers' Rights

Those who maintain that there are no significant differences between Team Starmer and Britain's four or five other right-wing parties will once more be confounded by the latest announcement on housing policy. While the Conservatives and their Liberal Democrat accomplices were entirely uninterested in ensuring that homes were fit for human habitation, Team Starmer intends giving slum landlords barely a decade to clean up their act. The benefits of these new and robust standards will be palpable for working people who rent their housing, provided they have sufficient pluck and gumption to rent it to others. Team Starmer's in-house estate agent proclaimed that leaving tenants to rot a bit longer would mean more time and certainty for the real people; presumably because the new standards are so replete with British robustitude that not even a Farage Falange government would have much inclination to lower them.