What We Do Best

Although efficiency levels in the best armed services in the world have attained such depths of Britishness that wog-bombing on a major scale has become a little inconvenient, the nation's plucky little entrepreneurs continue to do their part in keeping the world safe for war. Leaving aside the many, thoroughly decent transactions that don't go on the record, British arms dealers have commemorated the mainland's recent World Cup glories by exporting almost three thousand million's worth of weapons to the no-nonsense régime in Qatar. As one would expect from so vocal a defender of peace and democracy, more than half Britain's total exports went to violent authoritarians, including Whitehall's favourite Islamic fundamentalists at the head-chopping House of Saud. Sales figures for last year are more than double those of the year before, and exceed even the heights of helpfulness which the master race achieved at the height of the Syrian civil war. Naturally, arms sales are restricted in the event of a clear risk that civilians would be targeted, as opposed to human shields suffering collateral damage; although it is unclear whether the present administration retains the Blairite system of clearly and unequivocally labelling ordnance that is not to be used for war crimes unless absolutely necessary.