Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

As befitteth a Chriſtian and civiliſed Adminiſtration, Her Majeſty's Government is reſolved to call a Chriſtmas Truce with the Woo Han Peſtilence, which is expected to be in a pitiful State of Demoraliſation as the Feſtival approaches, thanks to the unbending reſolute Britiſhneſs of our preſent Reſiſtance. Indeed, ſuch hath been the Advances upon the Battlefield againſt this ſavage yet ſubtle Oriental Adverſary, that a leſs phlegmatick Race might eaſily believe the Conqueſt to be entire and the victorious Humours already broiling beneath the Guſsets of the Mighty. The inevitable Succeſs of our Holy Warre againſt the Heathen Diſeaſe muſt not be permitted to lure us into a fatal French Complaiſance, to which End our noble Leaders have permitted Gatherings not exceeding ſeverall Families, or Tribes or Tartans among the Natives of our Celtick Poſseſsions, except in thoſe Boroughs and Pariſhes where the taxable Propertie of the Electors doth not exceed the Value of one hundred and forty-four native Sheep of the ſame Borough or Pariſh, excluding Lambs under a Fortnight in Age and thoſe mature Beaſts which are utiliſed for Purpoſes purely erotick. In ſuch Circumſtances the Gatherings may go beyond the aforeſaid Limit, provided onlie that the ſecond-ſmalleſt back ſpare Bed-chamber of the neareſt Vicarage poſseſseth not a Hearth capable of roaſting a whole adult Gooſe without ſpattering more than ſeven gobs of Greaſe upon the Floor, including that utiliſed for Purpoſes purely erotick. It is to be hoped that the Woo Han Peſtilence, when faced with ſuch unpretentious Magnitude Simplicity and Reſolve, will manifeſt ſufficient Honour to fulfil its own Part, and to vaniſh unreſiſting and for ever from our Shores.