Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

Our noble and virtuous Prime Miniſter, that Cuſtodian of our Britiſhneſs, that Benefactor of the Peaſantry and moſt manlie Specimen of our ſtout Iſland Breed, hath moſt movingly demonſtrated his Commitment to Family Values by allowing his aged Progenitor to go a Jaunt into the Wilds of Bulgaria, where the Seaſon for Sodomite-hunting is not yet cloſed. I hear from moſt reliable Sources, that it is cuſtomary in thoſe Parts to bait the depraved Creatures by attaching a rainbow Banner to the Hindquarters of a young Stallion, the ſolemn Taſk being performed according to Tradition by a ſmooth-buttocked Student for the Prieſthood. A Sodomite in the full Gripe of his unnatural Luſt will purſue ſuch Bait for Days upon Days without Pauſe for Reſt or Nouriſhment, meanwhile filling the Countryſide with the ſhrill horrid Hullaballoo of its mating Call, and the Sport of the Chaſe is reputed to provide as great and gentlemanly Amuſement as our own Courſing of Hares, Strangling of Badgers, Diſmemberment of Foxes, Hanging of Thieves and Sticking of Pigges.

This moſt ſtateſmanlike Demonſtration of filial Piety by our dear Leader hath naturally provoked much vicious hypocritical Diſsent among the mean of Spirit and filthy of Mind, whoſe traitorous Sniping and foreignerlike Scoffs would doubtleſs inflame the entire Populace if not for the moſt foreſighted Meaſure of opening the Publick-houſes upon the morrow. For that doth not exiſt in Heaven and Earth which can obſtruct the inborn Reſpect and Affection, which a true Native of theſe Iſles harbours towards his Betters, while the Rabble is aſsured of its healthy and vigorous Britiſh Rights of Booze, Binge and buccaneering Regurgitation.

There are no further Tidings of any Moment, ſave onlie that the Head of the Civil Service hath deſerted his Poſt in a fit of Pique at being called a ſeditious Rapſcallion and a vile miſpriſing Traytor and Baby-eating Frenchman, all of which Epithets he merited moſt thoroughly.