The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, June 29, 2020

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

In order that the common Folk remain mindful of their Obligation to breed back the Work-force and Cannon-fodder ſo inconveniently loſt to the Peſtilence, our noble Prime Miniſter hath yeſterday publiſhed an improving Portrait of himſelf with Buttocks majeſtically elevated in Performance of the Act of Generation. However, his preſent Whore being occupied with the Care of his lateſt Baſtard, and the Ladies of the Court being occupied with Chapel-going and ſome frilly Trifles for the Archbiſhop, and the Serving-wenches being naturally without the requiſite Preſence and Dignity, it was neceſsary for the noble Gentleman to aſsume the Miſsionary Poſition over a Knot-hole in the Floor, which had foreſightedly been planed ſmooth of Splinters and thoroughly greaſed with the beſt quality Lard. I am informed by reliable Witneſses, that our gallant Leader roſe moſt adequately to the Occaſion, proclaiming with his accuſtomed good Cheer, that the onlie better Fit would be the ſevered Head of a well grown Pigge, ſuch as he and other Men of Deſtiny would employ at the Univerſity during those Times of hard Famine when other Porkage was not to be had. In Emulation of a great Stateſman I have attemped this Method myſelf, but have found the Pigge, like many among the Peaſantrie, to be ſomewhat ſluggiſh of Motivation once deceaſed. As for the Prime Miniſter it appeareth the Knot-hole was commodious enough, ſuch that the Archbiſhop and a bevy of charitable Ladies on the floor below were much inconvenienced by the Ejaculations coming down from above, and when they raiſed their Eyes to Heaven were covered thoroughly in Confuſion.

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