Won't Somebody Think of the Zygotes?

Long known for its innocent joy in the righteous pleasures of rough justice, the Christian state of Ohio is preparing yet another demonstration of its reverence for non-expendable human life. The state legislature is already considering a bill to criminalise the abortion of any foetus with a heartbeat, which the governor has threatened to veto. Accordingly, the local moralists are now proposing to extend the definition of "human" to every blastocyst and womb-tumour in the state, without consideration for such socialistic death-panel non-issues as the cause of the pregnancy or the risk to the fleshly incubator. Such a definition would of course classify abortion as murder, which is still a crime in the United States provided the victim isn't an undesirable and the perpetrator lacks the immunity conferred by membership of a law enforcement agency or the Second Amendment Adventists.