Our Common Values

Daveybloke, the Cuddly Conservative, has further enhanced his New Labour credentials by throwing a sop to the far right. Daveybloke, who thinks a German accent is a jolly funny thing, informed a conference in Munich that multiculturalism had failed in Britain because of the deplorable fashion for "hands-off tolerance" of other people's ways of life. Daveybloke also pledged to cut funding for Muslim groups that failed to respect Lord Ashcroft's idea of basic British values; no doubt an extensive catalogue of such government-funded groups, with the price of their members' houses, can be found in the Daily Mail and other informed sources of similar rectitude. Daveybloke blamed Muslim radicalisation and domestic terrorism on the immigrants' sense of alienation, rather than anything the British state might have done to upset them. If only they could learn to be British first and Muslims after the style of Baroness Warsi, there wouldn't have been nearly so much trouble over the Reverend Tony's crusade for democracy in the Middle East, which Daveybloke's party supported even more uniformly than the Parliamentary Labour Party.

Labour, which spent much of its recent régime trying to find the courage for open agreement with the British National Party, responded with a very loud Nick Clegg moment in reverse, condemning in opposition what it embraced in office. Even Jack Straw, not the most wog-friendly ex-minister in the world, felt able to get away with calling Daveybloke's remarks ill-timed and ill-judged. Of course, Daveybloke's domestic staff have been quick to pour scorn on any hint that Daveybloke is reverting to traditional Tory wog-bashing. A spokesbeing said that Daveybloke's speech had been "in the diary for months" and hence could not possibly have anything in common with the English Defence League. Baroness Warsi blathered that Daveybloke could not be a right-wing extremist as "has made it clear that he wants to unite Britain around our common values", which clearly do not include the Islamic virtues of learning and compassion for the poor.