Donaldus Vult

Those notorious hotbeds of anti-American subversion, the Navy Times and the Stars and Stripes, are seeking to undermine the Persian Crusade by insinuating that the crew of an American aircraft carrier might have reason to ask what their country can do for them. The whims of the Trumpster and his head-tribble have kept the USS Abraham Lincoln at sea for nine months, during which the crew has had only two days ashore and living conditions aboard the ship have allegedly deteriorated to levels which most patriots would consider worthy only of ethnic and fiscal inferiors. There are even reports of people attempting suicide, which must be particularly galling for a régime so gallantly battling a country that once conscripted suicidal ideation in its own fight against that great American ally, Saddam Hussein. Fortunately, the greased and tattooed Secretary for Holy War has waved away all such concerns as fake news, and the US Navy has proclaimed itself satisfied that the crew has access to all amenities including the religious; which certainly ought to settle the matter for anyone inclined to believe them.