Flushed Out

Three-quarters of England's major sewage outlets are off limits to the public, even when the latter are not celebrating the latest heatwave by trying to drown themselves. Such is the delirious Britishness of the situation that major designated walking trails are unable to follow the rivers for which they are named; and in keeping with our fundamental values, there is no statutory right to ninety-six per cent of the rivers in the Anglo-Cymric Agglomeration of Nations. It is likely that the situation will change once the country's wholesale conversion into an infoslop farm necessitates the further privatisation of rights and socialisation of liabilities; for the present, landowners are fortunately available to exert whatever prerogatives their consciences allow.