You Have the Right to Remain Violent

From the Land of Lincoln comes an encouraging sign that at least part of the United States Constitution is still as robust as ever. An Illinois federal judge who was installed by the Trumpster and his head-tribble during their primary sequence has ruled that a state ban on assault weapons is so egregious a danger to property as to warrant invoking the anti-Christian nuclear option of equal protection under the law. Since there is no evidence that property crimes are linked to gun control measures, the judge was careful to suggest such a link and thereby give it legal validity, while asserting the constitutional right not only to bear arms but to bear the arms of one's own personal choice, presumably in a well-regulated militia of one. Americans may have voted away their rights to medical care, bodily autonomy, freedom of religion and protection from the climate catastrophe; but their rights of school massacre, assassination and civil war look set to stay gloriously uninfringed.