Kept Down

With symbolism subtle enough for any number of Great American Novels, an apparently injured bald eagle rescued at the site of a Civil War battle turned out to have a truly patriotic malady. Discovered on the ground and unable to take off near the battlefield memorial of an early Confederate victory in Missouri, the living symbol of the greatest country in the world was found to be uninjured but too fat to fly, having dined to excess on raccoon in what was presumably an automotive serving. Unfortunately, the local veterinarians' insistence on rehabilitation somewhat compromised the Murcan-ness of the national bird's inability to take wing thanks to its exploitation of the crushed coon.